The topic of Step 3 at the Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Copper Mountain, CO

Hello everyone, my name is Tony Blankenship and I'm an alcoholic.

My my sobriety date is November 11th of 1998. My Home group is called an AA group. We meet in Santa Fe, NM on Monday night at 7:00 at the Salvation Army where sometimes it still smells like an alcoholic. You know it's like that odd smell of like pine Sol and leftover vodka. It's awesome and sometimes people will like share and I mean those are like the best shares. The guys that are drunk still, and I think it's the safest place to come is Alcoholics Anonymous if

drinking. So I did that a lot.

So I'm supposed to talk about it's funny, Jeff asked me to speak. So go talk to him. Anyway, I he asked me outside yesterday. He said he goes, well, you, you have a lot of good experience with the third step, right? I'm like, I've done it like, I don't know what does that mean? I've had a lot of good experience.

I

it's interesting. I I don't know why I thought of this when I woke up this morning and I was thinking right away

about what I was going to say. And I told Erica I wanted to be the last person to share because I wanted to look like the most spiritual person on the panel. I wish I was kidding. Like I'm not like that stuff goes through my mind. I like, I really want to look spiritual for people. I don't want to actually do anything spiritual, but I want to look spiritual

and and the interesting thing is like, so this, this third step says we made a decision to turn our own lives over the care of God as we understood him. And like, why would I want to do that?

Like what's what's the point? Like why would I even want to do that? And,

and what does that mean? Like what does that mean? And there's a, there's a part in the doctor's opinion. And, and I, I'll talk to you later about my opinion about the doctor's opinion, but he wasn't an alcoholic,

but he says something in there that was really interesting about something else, about a guy who's a person who's a psychopath, right? And I looked up that word and it says someone who has the inability to learn from experience.

And below that it says, you know, he makes many resolutions, but never a decision. And that's my experience with Step 3 over and over and over and over again. I'll make a resolution that OK, now, right now, all right, I'm going to do this, this. And it's like somebody shared this the other day about making, you know, Barton, Tom said that, you know, I'm going to make a bargain with God. So I'll make a resolution that I'm going to I'm going to change

and I'm going to do this, but I don't know that I don't have the power to do it. I don't know it. I don't know it until I get beaten down one more time, yet one more time again by myself will that I don't even think I have. I'm doing good. I prayed, I meditated today. I'm good. Like I'm, I'm running through life. I'm trying not to hurt people. And you know, and all throughout my day I'm trying to arrange things to suit me so I feel comfortable and I feel safe

and I don't even know it. I don't even know it. I'm asleep to it. It says somewhere in there and I don't whatever. Something about like we had to be convinced that any life on self will could hardly be a success. But what I'm not, I'm still not. I've been sober almost 15 years and I'm not convinced because I still do it all the time, all the time. I try to arrange it so it's going to make me comfortable and make me OK. Even meetings, your go to meetings, Alcoholics Anonymous and they don't share right?

Like, you know,

and you know who they are, You know, and we come and we come here and we're like, they don't do it right. We do it right. Like, OK,

whatever. I mean, and I get that. I mean, I still think that way sometimes, but I don't know where that where that came from.

I did pray.

One of the most important things, I think

every time I do a third step, I call my sponsor and he lives in Denver and there's a lot of times we're doing step work. It's on the phone

and we'll do this third set prayer together. And I'm, I don't know, I've never been a person who done a third step prayer and had this amazing bright light experience. I just has never been my experience. There's a little paragraph after the prayer, though. It says something to the effect of, you know, your own language, right? Your own, you know, it says. The wording was of course, quite optional.

That's what it says. And so every time I do it, and every time I do it with someone else,

I think it's important that I go out by myself somewhere where I feel safe and feel good. And, you know, for me, a lot of times that's in the woods because I'm a big, I'm a mountain biker. So I like being out and doing stuff like that. And I just have a talk like it says, expressing these things that we something like that, you know, and I just tell God, OK, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live this way.

And and you know what? And when I say it, I mean it. I do.

I mean it. And I think that's really important.

Umm,

there's another thing that goes on. It says that you know what I think, and I share this before yesterday was that I could have all the, you know, I got great philosophies. I asked me, I'll tell you they're great. I got all kinds of

principles that I want to live by and actions that I don't want to do. I got all kinds of just great. And just ask me, I'll tell you they're great. I can't do them. And though it says, it says, though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it's vital. It's life giving, right? That's vital, crucial. Like I have to make this decision. And it's not something that's made lightly. I think where they used to say that a, a right, like, well, there's three frogs and they're sitting on a log. You guys remember that

and one of them makes a decision how many frogs are left? I don't know why I turned into a Southerner when I told that joke.

Sounds like a joke you tell in the South. How many frogs are left? Well, three. That's not true because if I make a decision to jump, I got to jump. I got to jump. I believe three is an action step. It's not a it's not a mental step. It's like I had a, that word decision comes from a word with Latin, which literally means to cut. So I have to what am I cutting out of my life? What am I willing to let go to make this decision? What am I willing to go with? And if I'm not following up like right away

inventory, that decision doesn't mean anything because I did lots of every time I went to jail, I made a decision every time I got baptized a couple of times. Like I meant that like I was bawling. I mean, I had the Spirit just trying. I felt it in my heart. And I walked out of that church and was like, I went and got something to drink

because I didn't want to let go of something. I didn't want to do that if I only been talking 7 minutes. That is so awesome. I love that. I'm usually pretty long winded. That's true. That's true.

I'm going to read this. So this is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work.

I still don't believe it

because I still do it. Not all the time, not all day, not 24 hours, but in the places that I want to feel power, I do it. I do it. I'll tell you all about it

next. We decided

that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our director.

He is the principal. We are as agents. That's one who does business for another.

So it's not that

God does give us power. God gives us power. I have God-given power. It is my responsibility to go be an agent for God. I may be the only example of a spiritual life someone gets to see, and I can either be a good example or a bad one. That's it. And a lot of times I'm a bad one. I wish I wasn't.

He is the father, we are his children. Most good ideas are simple. In this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed through freedom. If you had a better speaker, they could tell you all about all the arch and the cornerstone and the keystone and I don't care.

I wish I did. I'm just don't. These are the third set promises, in case you were wondering. There are promises in each step. I believe that

when we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer

and I don't believe it.

I believe the Country Club where I work is my employer that paychecks my employer, that attention I get from you or from her, from my boss or from wherever. You're my employer. You're what? You're what makes me OK, right? And every time you say, Tony, you're OK and I go, no, I'm not. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

And it's like my sponsor said, well, why don't you go to God for that? And I'm like I am.

No, you're not

being all powerful. He provided what we needed. If we kept close to him and performed his work well established on such such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves. I'm still sort of waiting for that to happen.

Our little plans and designs, More and more, we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life as we felt new power flow in. And that has happened to me. And we have joined Peace of Mind. Yeah.

I lost my place. Jeff. Thanks. No, we, as we discovered we could face life successfully, we became conscious of his presence. That has happened to me. And we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. Thank you.

All right. Our next panelist will be Molina, A from a Really Works Group and Aurora, Co.

Hi, I'm Malia,

a grateful member of Al Anon and and and I very much am afraid of public speaking.

I

I've already started crying today so we're going to see how this works. But when I was asked to speak, I was a little bit in shock. And I just feel incredibly humbled that anyone would want to know what I thought

or or knew about this book. Because most of everything that I know about this book I learned here at this conference. And

so we'll see what we can do as far as adding to this conversation. I,

you know, can tell you how I've worked this step

hand on.

See what happens? Right

when I came into this program, I was

I was broken and I was feral and

I was suicidal. I was homicidal. I was behaving very badly and and and the possibility of me dying was becoming really quite apparent.

I

I hear a lot of times in in al Anon meetings that were people pleasers and I don't I just recently in part studying this step and I just suddenly found it somewhere is I don't believe I'm a people pleaser. I am a I am an approval sucker. I,

I might be nice to you, but it's not because I like you and

it is, it is because I am selfish and self seeking.

And

I found that before I got here, you know, I, you know, I would give my power or, or instead of looking for, for God and asking for his help, I would rely on people a lot of the time. A lot of the time it was my alcoholic or addict. Sometimes it was other people in my life. And the first time I worked this up with my sponsor, I did it very gingerly. You know, I heard

I can't, they say he can and, and maybe I should let him. And, and that's how I did it. I'm like, I can't. All of these thousands of people

say he can and I will give him this one little tiny piece at a time. I use the God box a lot and you know, and that was enough to get started. My sponsor actually had me do a couple of inventories so that I could go back again to the third step and, and get a better footing. I I inventoried my father and I inventoried myself and then I inventoried God to find out what my

my part was in in my relationship with a higher power.

And I found out that I was selfish than self seeking,

that I didn't trust

that that he cared for me and was looking out for me despite the evidence. And

yeah, and I needed to distinguish between what,

you know, what, what people say about God, what churches say about God, you know, different faiths say about God and what actually was happening in my life, the fact that I was protected

many times, even when I didn't believe that he was there for me. And so, you know, I came back to the third step and tried again. And I'll give a little bit more this time. And and that got a little bit better

as I read. I read this chapter now

this, this section on the third step over and over again in preparation for this because I was just super nervous. And I, I find it's funny because it's like it comes to the conclusion that we're selfish and self-centered, that that that we are the root of our own troubles and we apparently are supposed to figure this out before doing the inventory. And I'm like, wow, I didn't notice that.

A lot of things in this book I sometimes think are backwards. But I mean, I guess if I didn't notice it, it didn't. It wasn't that important at the time.

And

but I did have to realize that my life was was spinning out of control and I was going to die

before I decided, you know, could make the decision to turn my will in my lives over the care of God. I,

Yeah,

I, I, I proceeded through the steps.

I, I know that a lot of people, and I certainly did this for a period of time. You know, they, we do that 123 waltz. And today I honestly believe that if, you know, if I'm doing a 123 waltz, that I haven't actually taken the third stop because proof of the third step is taking a fourth step and proceeding with the rest of the stops. You know that it's not just making a decision, it's making a decision and following through with that. And

you know, I'd like to say,

you know, I'll kid about it is that, you know, making a decision is not me going and joining an unnery. And I have a friend who like the worst place they can imagine being sent to if, if they're forced to do something because of God's will, is that all they, you know, they're just like, please, God, don't send me to Africa. And,

and it's not that either. It's, it's bringing, you know, my, my will and my lives, you know, in line with God that I want what he wants. I I want what he wants for me.

You know, it might involve joining a nunnery. I don't know.

That might happen still,

but I found out like I,

I was already into my fifth step when I, when I, when I flunked my third step. And, and I was tremendously grateful that, you know, that we're not being graded and that, you know, if I'm screwing these up, then I get to go back and start over to the one before it. And I found that I had been relying on my some of my friends instead of my God.

And just like I had done with the alcoholic, you know,

and so I had to, you know, go back and make that decision again,

which isn't such a bad thing, really. Well,

today I understand that my higher power once, once great and wonderful things for me. And if I can continue to remind myself of all of the good things that he's given me, you know, I'm going to be you know, I won't be all upset about like, but I don't want to because I've already been given so many things that I could not have possibly imagined.

I

yeah, everything about the way this is written I think is backwards. But where it tells me that I should take this spiritual step with someone who's understanding after I just said the prayer. And

but that's OK. I'm I'm,

you know, if it weren't written like this, we wouldn't spend so much time studying it. I'm sure we would have gone. Oh, I already read that. So

one of the things that last year, last year, you might have seen me here, my hair was kind of messed up, as it usually is, and and I spent a lot of time crying. I was

very distraught over the things that happened at the theater in Aurora,

and I came

to this conference and found myself back on Step 2.

So I find that it's somehow appropriate that this weekend I'm here on Step 3.

And.

You know, if

which I can find

there's a power greater than myself that's going to restore me to sanity, then what else am I going to do but give my life and my will over to Him?

Really not that scary. Before I got here, I didn't have a life. I can't go back to to that. I was going to die and

you know, I can go back to that and I'll die. And

if I

and I need to remind myself of that frequently that

this book was also written for me,

believe it says so on page 18. And

and the only and alcohol is but a symptom. And when I wake up in the morning, my first instinct is to be a horrible human being. And and today, you know, I have to pray to get over that. And that's something I learned here last year, and it works. So

it's so important to do this work. If you haven't done it already, I would encourage you to do that. So thank you very much.

All right. Our next panelist will be Meg C from Green Light Tuesday in Denver, Co.

I'm Meg. I'm an alcoholic. Green Light is my Home group. We meet in Denver on Tuesday at 7:30 at between 13th and 14th on Washington Street, and we even meet at Panera before because we believe in fellowship. And suddenly lightheaded. There's not enough air up here.

I have experience with the third step and I have experience with it through a sponsor and I have experience feeling absolutely empty

inside when I was drinking.

I was raised, I was raised a Catholic and and I was raised that men were, you know, in power. And I, I remember being in charge and being like, I want to, I want to be a priest and they're like, but you can, I was like, what, why, why can't I like, what is my role? And like, so I always feel like I've had some some pull to some sort of spirituality

and and I was anxious. I was so anxious as a child and when I discovered alcohol and how calming

it was and how awesome I could feel by putting alcohol in me, it ate a hole in me. And, and the person that wanted to be a priest no longer was there. And the person that was trying to be good and you know, do the Girl Scout thing and go into and see old people in in nursing homes just disappeared. And I was, I was self-centered and Southwell Ron Ryan, I the way that I drank, you didn't ever want to be around me. And people asked me, they're like, why don't you drink? Because they know the person that I am now. And I'm like,

you don't want to know that girl. That girl is going to, you know, steal your wallet, help you look for it, steal your boyfriend, you know, you know, drown your sorrows with you, out drink you and continue on my merry way without even thinking about it. And there's a spider on the table. And now all I can think is that the spider is all over my body. I'm sorry. It's like I just itch. But I couldn't kill it because I didn't want to make it rain for you guys. And

I still have a squirrel brain. Like I still have the squirrel brain that gets so distracted when I'm sober.

And, and so when I, when I got sober, I had the sponsor that was like, you're going to greet. And I was like, no, I'm not. And she's like, you say yes to everything I say. I was like, I'll greet, you know, and I stood in a basement of a church in the, in a really shady neighborhood in Boston. And I, and I said, welcome, welcome to Cambridge young people.

And, and I met a lot of people and, and by having that willingness and by, by showing her

that I was willing to do that, we continued on on the steps. And so I was, I was powerless over alcohol. And so I was left without a power. And what was I going to do about that? And in Step 2, I found out that I was insane. I didn't really know that, but it, it made sense in hindsight, it made sense that I was insane with the way that I put alcohol in my body. And when I got to step three, there was this red book. And you know, I, I flipped through it and I read it and it didn't really, it didn't really work for me. And,

and my sponsors like, well, you're going to memorize this prayer and we're going to get down on our knees and we're going to hold hands and we're going to say this prayer. And I was like, that sounds weird. You guys are weird. Like I was weirded out from the beginning with how nice everybody was. All the phone numbers I got, the people that were willing to show me where the next meeting was and that I was going to kneel with my sponsor and hold hands was just bizarre. And so I,

I did it because I had, I had no other options.

I was told by people they were like, you're not an alcoholic. You know, you might have had a bad weekend, you might have had a bad time. And I'm like, I've been having bad weekends for about 6 years and I'm, and I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And so when I, when I was offered this way of life, I just, I just jumped in and it wasn't, it wasn't, well, maybe or no, I'm not going to do it the way that you tell me I was. I was just stupid enough to do what people asked me to do, and I was

just willing enough to get down on my knees. And so we met up at this church,

I think it was a Saturday afternoon and it was this big, beautiful church with this, the stained glass. And it looked just like the church that I had grown up in. And

they were getting communion was ending. First communion was ending. And all these little girls are running around in their white dresses. And I and I was reminded of what I was like as a child. And we sat in the back corner of the church and she's like, you ready? And we, we held hands and we got down on our knees and we set the third step prayer. And that was it. Like that was it. And, and nothing changed, but everything changed at the same time. And

I walked outside the church and you walk down the 20 stairs to the, you know, to the street and,

and she's like, we're going to meet in a week and you're going to bring your big book and a notebook and you're going to start writing. And I was aware that that by doing the third step, I was getting ready to do everything else. It was a commitment for me to continue on with the work. And, and it was just, it was just really interesting to, to leave and to, to notice how the sun was shining. And there was,

there was the serenity that I've gotten in sobriety is directly related to how spiritually fit I can feel. And

it's not, it's not related to. And I, and I started to feel that sense of ease and comfort at that point. And I started to feel that little bit of OK, everything's going to be OK. And

I've realized in again, in hindsight, that when I

got sober, I've actually found the serenity that I was looking for in the bottom of that glass every time I emptied it. And every time the voice is quieted down about how awful I was or what, what a piece of, you know, something I was. I am.

I felt a little bit better and I felt a little bit more comfortable in my skin when I was drinking. And I found that I can have that all the time

without drinking. And I found that that's easily accessible to me,

You know, as long as I'm maintaining my spiritual program and I've had the opportunity to sponsor other women and I've had the opportunity to do third steps in different places and, and they never look the same way. And, and if you haven't had the opportunity to share your experience, get through that work and share it with another alcoholic because it's just amazing to, again, get down on your knees. I've gotten down on my knees and and held hands with a girl and

in a park that was behind my house in the church that that shady meeting was at,

in a park by my new home here in Denver and, well, in Colorado. We're not Denver anymore.

And it's just, it's just interesting like what what it means to everybody and what everybody comes in looking for. And I and I use that third step prayer every morning and it's I'm not, I'm not, I don't wake up mindful and I don't wake up spiritual and I don't wake up knowing what to do every day. And,

but I automatically, I automatically, because I've just created a habit, I automatically just go into that third step and I, and at some point I get lost in the wording. Like I'll, I'll be walking and I'll be staying with stuff. And I'm like, where am I? And I just go back to the beginning and I get as far as I get and then eventually I make it through and it's the easiest way to to initiate my my meditation. And

when I,

when I was reviewing the third step last night, I was, I was thinking about the actor and I was thinking about how I like to control a lot of things. And people that know me know that I like to control things. I walked into orientation. I teach body mechanics at the hospital and I, I walk in and I was like, stand up. And I was like, sorry guys, I tell people what to do all the time, but stand up anyway, let's stretch. And, and I continued on with that and,

and I'm just, I'm just this, this force of, of self will if I'm, if I'm not looking for the opportunity, and I ask God every morning in my meditation,

then I may be the woman that he wants me to be, that I can see what he wants me to see and be the woman that he needs me to be and find the newcomer that may not know that alcoholism isn't a solution anymore. And I have many opportunities to be, you know, a spiritual being. And sometimes I fail and sometimes I need to go back and restart again. And the other day I had some jerk, you know, make me cry by 8:30 in the morning. And I like went in the bathroom and I was like,

OK,

are we going to do that again? Or can we, can we redo it? And sometimes like, sometimes I just have to make it to the end of the day and put my hat on the pillow and wait for another day to like be better at this. And, and it's just about the willingness for me, willingness is the key to, to finding the solution and finding my serenity again and again and again, because it's not, it's not a natural state for me. And so if you're new and you're just starting out or you're just trying to work on the third step, just try. And I love newcomers that are, that are like,

I'm just letting go and letting God and I'm like, OK, good, good luck. Continue to come to meetings, continue to talk to your sponsor and continue to go through the steps. So that hopefully years and years later was my experience that I found that serenity, but I, I had glimmers of it for a little while. And so if you haven't found that continue to work, it's, it's totally worthwhile and I'm glad I'm here. Thanks for listening.

Right. Our next panelist is Erica M from the Full Measures Group in Cedar Falls, IA.

Hi everybody, Erica Maynard Alcolic

sobriety date December 30th, 1996 Home group full measures speaker group in Cedar Rapids, IA. Actually, that's OK. We're just a hop, skip and a jump away from

Cedar Falls. Grateful to be here. Grateful to be asked to share anywhere in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I only have 10 minutes, so I got to talk fast because there's a lot to say.

I love it that our book says that we're at step three twice because that's just how I am. They tell us where it's step three and then they tell us what the opposite of Step 3 looks like, right? The actor who wants to run the whole show. I have a lot of experience with that and

and they tell us on page 62. So our troubles we think are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves. I had an experience at six months sober where I was stepless, hadn't worked any steps. I had a sponsor but she thought I needed

time. You know, work the steps. It's, it's the path to the solution. And don't wait for some magical time period to pass, please.

Because I was nuts and I was trying to do what you said to do. And and because I'd had a first step experience at two months sober where I saw that I had never had a couple drinks. And for me, for me, a couple of six or eight. So if I could just drink six or eight, I'd probably still be drinking. But I don't stop at 6:00 or 8:00. And,

uh, so my first step was really solidly in place at 25 years old because I saw that I had what you old people had the same illness and that I would never beat it. And, but I had an experience at six months sober. My son was 3 1/2. I was a single mom and I

and I put a little bowl of food in front of him and he threw the food and it landed, you know, both side down and and

something happened to me when that happened in this Ray dwelled up inside of me and I slapped him so hard that he fell off his chair

and he had a red mark on his face. And that's Erica without a higher power. But

my higher power was with me because something happened to me

and I was in the present moment, and I didn't make excuses for my behavior. And I saw my kid and I looked at him crying, looking up at me with those red eyes and looking at me like what's happening? You know what

I realized that there was nothing that that little baby could have done that could have caused that rage in me, that that rage had always been with me, always my whole life. My troubles arise out of myself. He is not the problem with me,

I am the problem with me. A A3 words or less. It's not them

really. Like really it's not

doesn't mean I don't think you are at time to time. I mean

sometimes I'm convinced. I mean I could get a petition sign. I mean, I could get a posse and I could get you on my side, and

left unchecked, I'll burn my life to the ground sober,

left unchecked, left unsponsored, sponsoring myself.

The third step says made a decision to turn our will in our lives

over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Turn, turn my will in my life.

I think that's a thing that I have to practice. And how do you know if you did the third step, will you complete 4 through 9? Right. Well, and then you have to do 10 because you take what you awaken with in four through 9 into 10 and you take that into 11 and then you carry that into 12. So isn't it really four through 12? And then isn't it really one through 12? Because every time I do 10, I'm doing one through 9. So

isn't it really all pointing towards a third step? All pointing towards aligning my will with God's will.

God cannot save me from what I want though.

God cannot save me from what I want. He'll let me do what I want to do. So I get to ask myself when I notice I'm in self. Because I don't notice. Sometimes a couple minutes, sometimes a couple hours.

I'm in self, I'm in fear. Sometimes I don't notice.

When I noticed that's my point of power, because I have a choice at that point to go on to the bitter end and do what I want,

proceeding to live backwards, which is evil

to myself. I thought it was you destroying me. I find out it's me destroying me so I can live backwards doing what I want. I got to ask myself if that really takes me where I really want to go.

Does that really take me where I really want to go? Self will doing what I want when I want.

Sometimes I'm like hmm,

just being honest. Umm,

or I get to accept spiritual help. This I do because I honestly want to and I'm willing to make the effort, which means I'm willing to work at it. I'm willing to take the actions. What is the spiritual action of that right? Sometimes it means I have to put pen to paper and do a ten step on paper. Sometimes it means I have to call somebody and practice step 10 and and talk to them about where I was selfish

or self-centered or full of fear. It always looks different and God continues to guide me.

I had to quit playing God. It didn't work. What that means to me is I had to quit assigning you roles and telling you what you need to do in my head because I may not say it out loud. You at least taught me some manners here.

But my problem is in my head. I'm delusional. I still can. I still can find myself in the position where I can't tell the truth from the false. Because my problem is those who do not recover, people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program,

Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. That is the problem with me.

The main problem of the alcoholic is in her mind, not in her body. Because I lie to myself about myself, 1st about alcohol and then about everything else, right? I lied to myself about myself. That is the problem with me still today because not only do I lie to myself about myself, I believe them

over much good evidence to the contrary. Don't do this Erica. Don't go that way. Oh, I got a better idea. Thanks for offering that. But good intuitive thought there. But I I think I got a better way. Oh my Lord. So what happens when I'm in self is that I I assign you rules in my head and I have this judgment against you. I think my will is my thought life, my judgment. I can turn that over to God where I no longer

consider what is right or wrong, good or bad, right. That's God's business, not my business. That's a management decision.

I'm no longer in management. So it's God's business what's good or bad, right or wrong, which means I can't judge you anymore, right?

I have this judgment machine that lives inside of me. It's quieter than it used to be, but it's still active. You know, it's still, I don't even have to put 1/4 in it. It just happens automatically. And, and So what happens is I judge you and I have an idea. You know the man of 30.

Fell victim to a belief. He had a thought and it killed him.

He fell victim to a belief.

Isn't that what we do? Fall victim to a belief? We have an idea and we go with it and it destroys things in our life. It destroys relationships. So I have a judgment about you that was wrong. I don't like that. You shouldn't do that. And then I punish myself by feeling bad all day and being mad at you. That makes a lot of sense. It's stupid, but I do it because I'm right. And man, I've been asked so many times by so many people that have, you know, my

sponsor, my people that have helped me with the traditions. Erica, why do you have such a need to be right? You might want to look at that.

And I prayed about it a lot and I've sat with it not trying to know the answer, you know, and it's because of this, I, I don't, I don't want to give my will in my life over the care of God. Really. I really think I have a better idea. It's a lie, but I'm willing to go with it. You know, I'm willing to try to destroy my life. So

I'm willing to suffer

to think something is true that is not and I'm willing to ruin my day around that.

We had to quit playing God. It didn't work. I had to quit assigning roles. I have to practice that, which means when I notice, I turn to God. I just had an experience Wednesday night and Tom, my friend Tom starts talking to my husband about smoking cigars. I'm like, Oh my God, quit talking to him about smoking cigars. And and he says, you know, you have a good husband. You should be nice to him. You know, you should really. And he's saying this stuff. And I said I'll be nice to him if you will,

Bleep, quit talking to him about smoking cigars. And then I'll be nice to you too. And I won't hurt you. And you know,

and I just I got and it's it's funny and I was kind of joking. I love Tom. I love him with my whole heart and and I love my husband with my whole heart. But there I got on the inside. You know, when something started that spring started turn on the inside. And I will tell you right now that I am the only one in my life that can intervene on behalf of God. I am it.

You cannot save me.

I'm the only one that can turn,

I can turn away or I can turn towards. And I kind of went with that for a little bit, a couple hours and then and then I went, Oh my gosh, I'm in such fear now. Am I in self centeredness? I'm in such fear. I don't even, I'm not, I'm not consciously aware of what this fear is. So I said the fear prayer, God, please remove this fear. Whatever this is, it's underneath this. I don't need to know. I don't need to understand what's going on for God to heal me, right? I don't need to know. Trust me, I know too much.