The topic of Steps 6 and 7 at the Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Copper Mountain, CO

Nice Defects of Character 7 humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings and our first panelist today is Nicole W from the Maximum Service Group of Redmond, WA.

My name is Nicole William and alcoholic Hi and my Home group is Maximum Service Group of Alcoholics Anonymous and we meet in Kirkland, WA at 7:30 on Sunday nights. And if you guys happen to be in our area of the woods, please come and join us.

I have a sponsor and I have an active sponsorship relationship with her. And, and that's important for me because I didn't always have that. And Alcoholics Anonymous, I had somebody that I wrote down when there was a sign in sheet

and I had somebody that I called when my, you know, what was falling off and when things got really bad. But I didn't have somebody that I took my stuff to on a regular basis. I didn't have somebody that knew everything about me because something about me, something in me. You may relate to this still wants to look good in a a

So I was, you know, I was asked to do this and I thought about it and I thought, well, you know, I'll talk about the first time I did 6:00 and 7:00 because I don't want to talk about the fact that,

you know, two years ago at almost, I think I was almost 15 years sober or a little over 15 years sober. I was having an experience in Alcoholics Anonymous where I was dying and I was in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and

and I didn't want to tell anybody because I was afraid of what you would think of me and the reputation I had built in Alcoholics Anonymous.

So I was quietly managing my life through the steps.

And I don't know if anybody knows what that's like, but I think that there's a real pervasive problem, at least in our area and Alcoholics Anonymous of it's the wolf in sheep's clothing. It's it's learning to manage my life and my feelings by using the steps. And I've neatly removed God out of the situation because I am self selfish and self-centered and I am managing my life and I'm managing my feelings and I'm using the steps to do it. And that is not the program of Alcoholics Anonymous,

not the way that I've been taught. And what happened is is that it's kind of baffling powerful. And I'm going to meetings and I'm sponsoring a bunch of people and I've got mucho service positions because I like to be busy and I'm a girl who does bill when she's busy because I don't have to focus on the fact that, you know, like I'm not happy Joyce and free anymore. And I'm not saying that I didn't do this thing in the beginning and I did the steps when I first got into a A and my life changed from the inside out. Absolutely there was a change in revolutionary change in my thinking

and the way that I approach life. But somewhere around the way, as a very good friend of mine says, I went back to sleep and

I was running around in a a doing a lot of action and the well was dry, like it was all coming from me. And I was wondering why I was like, so like I like a sponsee would show up and I was praying that they wouldn't show up. Like that's the only prayers I was saying at the time was like, God, I hope they don't show up. And

I know you laugh because you said the same thing. And, you know, and so I, I neatly removed God out of the equation and Nicole was living

in our own world and she's managed her own life. And yet at the same time, like if you call me in a meeting, I know what to say. I know how to sound good. I've got the lingo down. I'm still going to meetings, lots of them. I'm still involved, really involved in Alcoholics Anonymous at several different levels. And if you ask me, I'm doing really well. And you know,

the gift of the God in my life, the gift of my life was that I met somebody. And so I always wanted to be, I wanted to be married. I wanted to have kids. And I got to about 38 years old and I really thought it wasn't going to happen for me. And I lived alone for the great portion of my life and my sobriety, I tend to prefer it that way. And I met this man and he was,

he was everything that,

that I wanted, that I'd prayed for. And you know, luckily he's, he's patient tenacious because at first I broke up with him twice before we ever went on our first date. And

because I'm like, really freaked out about this. I'd rather chase you around and prove why I deserve to be with you. And when you come to me and you're very direct and say I want to date you, I'm like, I don't know what to do with this. Like, I'm sorry, what? And so, but you know, through a course of events, we ended up getting married. And it was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me because

I didn't realize how much I was trying to manage my own life and my character defects because I lived alone. And that was my solution. My solution was I would go out and be at the meetings and I would be one thing and then I'd go home.

And that's how I managed. You know, nobody knew that I had a hard time getting out of bed. Nobody knew that, you know, all the things that I didn't know and I had forgot were alcoholism. I started to think that there was something else wrong with me

because I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink since, you know, first six months of my sobriety, I'm over 15 years sober. I don't think about drinking. You know, I'm I'm acting out in a lot of other ways. But you know, like that's not alcoholism, right? We don't talk about that. Nobody wants to talk about what's really going on, you know, and it's those defects of character, right? And so,

but I'm managing those, right? And how I manage those is that I'm one way here and then I'm another way when I'm by myself. And I spend a large portion of my time by myself when sponsees aren't coming over or I'm not at a, a,

you know, I can work from home, which is a blessing and a curse for somebody like me, because it's like, well, why shower? And, you know, when I work at home and I'm in my pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon and when you're married, they want to live with you. And, and so then, you know, they come home and they're like, today you're going to shower. It's like, well, maybe we'll see. You know, like, and The thing is, is I didn't realize like the, it was so pervasive and, and the, the delusion was so great. It's like I'm sober, like there's nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with me. And I'm going to meetings and I'm sponsoring people and and I won't go so far to say as I'm passing on the sickness, you know, like I have good intentions,

but I have nothing to give because the well is dry. Because I'm trying to teach you how to manage your life through the steps though, let's be clear, right? I'm still in the big book and

I'm about 5 months,

five months into this marriage and the phone rings. And that's why this, you know, like coming here is like, I'm so grateful. And this is such a, you know, like

powerful thing for me as a friend from Colorado called and, and I thought it was because

they want to give my number to somebody, you know, and want to know if it was OK. And what happened is, is the same thing that's happened to me anytime that I've gotten help in Alcoholics Anonymous. Anytime actually, God sent me somebody is like, I had no intention of asking for help. And the help was offered, you know, and they said you want to work the steps and I had no intention of working the steps ever again, Right. I've done that several times.

Clearly I am OK. And, you know, but I'm crying every day and, you know, I'm starting to do that thing where it's like we, we're doing, I'm acting one way at home. And then he and I are going to our Home group and I'm starting to feel like a fraud because I'm acting another way in public, you know? And I don't want anybody to know about how totally insane I am outside of the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous

and Depressed,

you know? Because really what happens for me is like selfish and self centeredness turn into two things for me, unchecked depression and rage. And I can handle the depression OK 'cause I, you know, it's like I've lived with it my whole life. The rage was a whole nother ball of wax for me because I was like,

I'm too, you know, like that's not spiritual. Like rage is not spiritual. You know, like when I'm about ready to beat you with my 9 iron because you know, we've had an altercation on the road and this has happened, right? Like the nine irons, the easiest to get out of your bag 'cause it's the shortest besides the wedge.

You know, like I think these things through. I'm a thinker. Umm, you know, like, I don't know what to do with this because I can't go, I can't go to my a meeting. Talk about that. You know, what will they think? You know, and in my area, you know, I, I'm one of the ladies that, you know, there's not a lot of ladies in my area on our side of town that have a lot of long term sobriety in the big book. And so like, you know, what about them? Like I'm not worried about me. I'm like, what about them? You know, And it's like, I'm probably about

either take a drink or blow my brains out, you know, or ruin my marriage. And what happened is that, you know, I got honest with this person and said, listen, I'm worried that I'm not going to be married much longer. And we're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. And this is not what I thought it was going to be, you know, And

we work those steps again. And,

you know, here's the deal. It's like, I'm not saying it's not about alcohol for me, but like it was about my alcoholism. And my alcoholism is that, you know, is the, are those character defects, those defects of character that, you know, whatever I, I, I have a list, but it's all selfishness and self-centredness. And, and what happened is, is like, I got so sick that I didn't think that I was selfish and self-centered anymore in, in really in the way. And it's, yeah, it's funny. But like, here's the deal. I work very hard not to be selfish

and I'm exhausted. You know, I won't take the last cookie. I'll make sure that you get what you need. Like, because here's the deal. I got to a place in a, a where I wanted to look well, instead of being well,

and that will kill you. You know, it will kill you whether slowly or quickly. And, and and so, you know, like I had to kind of self centeredness that, you know, somebody was loving enough to explain to me is like, I am centered in self. It's not, you know, I rush in front of you because trust me, I will not rush in front of you, get in line, but I will judge you when you do. Like, like to be clear, I have no tolerance for people cut in line.

And you know, and I won't take the last of this and I'll make sure that I try to get you what you need and whatever. And, and all the while there's strings attached and there's judgment involved

and, you know, and, but I'm OK because I'm sober. I'm OK. I've got service positions and sponsees and, you know, and, and

we work these steps and I and I did four and five because that's, you know, where I get that list of, you know, like defects of character. And,

you know, and then it was time for six and seven and, and, you know, I can write inventory. I can even get to, you know, the 4th column and, and do OK, you know, and pray about it and get that it's six and seven that really, you know, one, it really trips me up because it's like this much in the book. And so the deal is, is that I think, you know, like I assigned the, you know, like, well, we talked about how the first step's so very important because there's like over 43 pages, right? You know, I even do the thing where I show the sponsees. It's like, here's all the steps and here's the first step and here's the rest of them, you know, like,

and then we have this much for six and seven and like, it's like no big deal, you know, and it's a very big deal because this is, we're talking about things that I cannot get rid of on my own root and branch. I'm not sure if it's in here or the 12 and 12. It talks about, you know, root and branch like, you know, like I, I, I whacked at those branches for 15 years, you know, and the roots were still there and they just kept going deeper and deeper. And I kept thinking, you know, clearly there must be something else wrong with me,

you know,

And then it's the trips to the doctor and whatever. And, you know, and really what's wrong with me is alcoholism,

you know, and, and selfishness and self centeredness and, and, and I want to manage my way out of that. I can tell you that there's days where I'm still a little irritated that I can't manage my own life, that I can't I, that I can't get rid of the selfishness and self centeredness on my own, that I, the, the extent to which I have to rely on God. I feel a little bit pathetic some days, you know,

So we get to that list and, and you know, and it doesn't look much different than probably any other list I've ever written or,

you know, probably any other list that we've all written. And, but it was like the question was asked of me. And then, you know, do you, here's the deal. Like I, and I want you to think about this because the other thing is, is like I'm a real good student and I've, you know, done this for a while and whatever. And I really like to know the I'm a know it all. I like to know the answer, yada, yada. I like to look good. Like I'm, that's just, you know, part of who I am.

Like it the question was posed to me and then asked for me to wait for a week.

You know, don't answer right away.

Do you really want to get well,

like, really well, like, not just look well, not just, you know, like, really well, like happy Joyce and free. Well, because I had gotten to a place, and I don't know that it was a conscious thought, but like, newcomers would talk in the meetings about, you know, happy Joyce and free. And I think part of the thought was, oh, yeah, that's just the crap we tell you, right? The happy, joyous and free, the happy, you know, horse, you know what that we tell you until you can get to a place where you know, you don't want to drink anymore and you can, you know, take these steps and learn to, you know, manage well,

you know, there really is no happy Joyce and free here. And and, you know, I I'm happily wrong in that case. I'm not, you know,

not happy Joyce and free all the time. And I'm still, you know, learning to I had to get a relationship with a God I could do business with. That's what I was told, you know, and and a reliance and and six and seven was, you know, The funny thing is, is when I was asked to do this, I went to look at the 7th step prayer. And there's something about that that made me laugh because I looked at it and I read it and it's like,

you know, my creator, I'm now willing that you should have all of me grant me strength as I go up from here to do your bidding. And I was doing in my head, and I was like, that's not all of it. That's not all of it. And I looked at it in the book and it's like, oh, yeah. I conveniently glossed over the part where it says, I pray now you remove every defective character

which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows, right? Like

conveniently remove the part of like where God removes those defects of character. You know,

I can't do it

like, no matter how hard I try. If I could have done it, I would have done it by now. If I could have figured out a way, I would have my own meeting and my own group. And I would be teaching you all how you could, you know, find better living through management of your own life. And I'm happy to say that that that that meeting does not exist, at least from, you know, for me running it. And you know that these steps do work, you know, and that, you know, I'm really grateful to be here,

you know, with people that I love and that I trust. We're all, you know, we're

family here and my family is here. And

thanks, Jeff, for asking me to come do this. And I've sufficiently given myself cottonmouth, so I'm going to sit down. Thanks.

All right. Our next panelist will be Heidi H from More About Alcoholism in Boulder, Co.

Hello family. My name is Heidi Huff and I am an alcoholic.

My sobriety date is December 10th, 1986. And by the grace of God, actually I should say through the grace of God and with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have been sober. And it's not by anything else, not by my own doing, not by my own thinking, not by my own anything that that I get to stand here today.

What a ride this has been

and

thank you Jeff for asking me to share. As usual, I don't know what I'm going to say to you, so I'm going to talk for a second and give the Spirit of God a chance to show up for me here.

One of the things I, I,

well, this portion of the steps has to do for me is with is that there's this like a portion where we begin our house cleaning, which actually begins in Step 3, which we heard, you know, some of us at 8:30 this morning. And we talked a little bit about step three. And there's this idea in this, in the step three in the prayer, that I'm going to turn my will and my life over the care of God, not so as I feel better, but so that I can better do his will.

And then I'm going to turn, have my difficulty's removed for me

once again, not so as I feel better, but so that I can demonstrate and bear witness to his power, not Heidi's power. And that begins this portion of the jury journey where we go through the process of the steps 3456 and seven.

The very first time I I ever underwent the process of step six and seven, I had to tell you it was a blip on my radar. I had no idea. And when I first got sober, I was trying to win a bet. So I wasn't

didn't mean anything to me. I just said, my sponsor said you go home now and you do the end of Step 5 and you say this, you get ready for step 6 and you say you're ready. And then you do step seven and then you call me. And I went and I did it and I did it blindly. I didn't have any idea that there was going to be anything to it. And as far as I was concerned, the very first time, I didn't know that there was anything to it. I just went through it. But something happened.

I didn't know it till, you know, a few years later, but something happened. And what happened was, is that my mind began to change.

I began to get a different outlook on the kind of person that I was and my conduct. I got to, I got to come face to face with the idea, am I really ready and willing? And,

and as I began to look at that,

I began to have, you know, other changes in my thinking and in my outlook.

Most recently, and it was over the last couple of years, I've been having what I call walking into the dark room. And lots of us have that, you know, some And I, and, and I got to tell you too, my life is great. I have a good life. I have a good job. I have a happy husband. I like my husband. This is a good thing. I like my kids, I like my friends, I like my life.

You know, things are, you know, really good,

but spiritually there's some dark places that, you know, I've begun to uncover and have not been able to quite identify and articulate. And I found this out through going through steps four and then going through steps 5. And, and I've and I've shared this with other people, but there is some other little obstacle that I could not place my finger on. And I knew I was staring at it. I don't know if any of you have ever had that experience before. Well, I know a few of you have, and I know a few of you in this room.

But but what it looks like for me when I'm doing, when I'm at step six, I have just completed Step 5 and I am now holding in my hand, You're going to like this image maybe because this is what it feels like for me is I have this heart and it's a real heart and it's a bloody dripping mess.

OK, I have shared my inventory with somebody, but I have not given it to God yet.

And when I'm there on step six, I have this meaty mess and I agreed to myself and do whatever. I'm sharing my inventory with it. Yeah, my inventory is pretty objectionable. Once again, I can't find much redeeming in there. And what am I going to do? Am I going to just sit here and hold this bloody mess or am I going to move on? And so when I move on, I move into the step 7, which is a prayer.

And if my experience with prayers is the next thing I do is assume and trust that God has given me what I need

through that prayer and I get to move forward,

sometimes that's easier said than done. Sometimes it's easier to say that prayer and think you're walking when you're not. And one of the things that I've that I've come to find out is I have been in entertaining a practice, this idea that maybe I should mind my own business more often. And I have entertained this idea that maybe I can learn something from keeping my mouth shut more often because I've never been sorry for something I haven't said.

And,

and that's a good thing and it's a good intention. But what's happened is, is I've, I've noticed and it was brought somebody in this program helped talk to me through this this morning because I was trying to get to this obstacle. And what's occurred to me is that I have been using this to hide so that I do not have to go through the hard, heavy stuff of anything that's confrontational,

anything that might cause me some pain,

anything that might cause me spiritual angst. And so I can wash my hands and go, OK, it's your deal. I've done my job,

you know this, and this is all at 26 years of sobriety now. I haven't got to the place where I feel like I want to die or I want to drink or blow my brains out. But it's not a fun place to be and I could easily get to that place.

It doesn't take, but you know, a few extra thoughts that I don't even notice there and it just slips and slides right on in.

But the good news about the 7th step is, is that it doesn't end with the prayer. Not only is there still still more action by the steps that are followed for me, but the other thing that gets to happen is that I get to find out. This is the question I always had. How do I know if I'm really ready and willing? I mean, I think I am, so I'll say that I am, but what happens next? Well, the next thing that happens is usually an opportunity to see if I'm really ready and willing.

Will, you know, rear its head in the form of

something that I am selfish in my conduct or dishonest or fearful. And the reaction that I have to that will show me how ready and willing I really AM. And I will get to take myself again through that prayer and remind myself I'm giving all of myself to God, Not just the peace I want,

not this the piece I like, but every little nook and cranny, every fiber, every cell, every spear, every part of me is the goal. The goal is to give all of that to God so that he can decide what's useful and what's not. My job is to move forward. My job is to try to pay attention. My job is to do his work and carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I believe is that that you know, do not have to suffer any longer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body

that I get to carry that message. But I can't do that if I continue to hide. I can't do that if I continue to not put the one foot in front of the other. I can't continue to do that if I try to make it somebody elses fault that I don't want to put one foot in front of the other. I can't go out and carry the message or move through that seven step and the 6th step if I continue to say the prayer but not really believe it.

And I've had enough experience that I that I've evidence and, and I know deep in my heart that if I've said something to God,

he's given me the power and he's given me the tools, I get to pick them up and move through that. Step six and seven are pivotal forming like all the steps are important and these are pivotal,

enable me to be ready to move through the rest of what I've got to do. And the rest doesn't mean that I end. It means that I begin because the real work of this program is carrying this message. And if I'm not fit, if I'm not straight and what I'm looking at, then I'm not going to be able to do that.

I think I'm done.

That's it.

All right. Our next panelist comes to us from the First. Thanks. First group of Montgomery, AL and that's Corey.

Hi, my name is Corey Long. I'm very enthusiastic, grateful member of Al Anon. Hi, I want to thank the committee for asking me to do this. They gave me my choice of steps and the one I, the ones I wanted were not available and the one I didn't want was which was six and seven, which is pretty much a good sign for me. That's probably the one that I want

the and it's just so funny to me that I get exactly what I need, even if it doesn't show up the way that I want to.

One of my character defects that I was so proud I've overcome was this whole thing of the finances. And I've turned those over for God. And one of the folks that are with us got an extra banquet ticket and I said, hey, should we give this to someone? And somebody said, well, you going to pay for it? And my right out of my mouth was, well, no, they gave it to us. It's extra,

yeah, no, we're giving it back. But that's my defective character. I think I'm so good. And then God will give me the opportunity to look

at what really is going on.

I got here on September 18th, 1998, my two-month wedding anniversary. I said this yesterday. I waited darn near 36 years to meet Mary, the perfect man. And when I did it, he was a raging alcoholic. But there was nothing wrong with me. And I believe that for a very long time that there was nothing wrong with me. And as long as I was comparing myself to an active alcoholic, I looked pretty darn good. And that's who I was comparing myself to. So when

I saw the steps and they said, and I and I saw

six and seven entirely ready remove those defects of character. I didn't have any defects of character. So that really wasn't going to be an issue for me. And then humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. I had none of those either. And I didn't really have a relationship with God. So there was really not a whole lot of reason for me to worry about those two steps. And I don't know if it's like that out here, but where it's what it's like in my area or it's what I hear in my area sometimes that makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck is everybody's terrified of four and five.

And man, I've done four and five. Yes. And I hear very few people in Al Anon talk about 6:00 and 7:00 and 8:00 and 9:00 and 10:00 and 11:00. But by gosh, I'll carry that message. Now, I don't know what message you're carrying, but I'll carry one. And I said at the meeting I got my sponsor at, I had said, I haven't worked the steps, but I'm carrying the message. And what I heard her say was when it got around to her and we don't believe in crosstalk about darned if she didn't crosstalk at me. She said to me, honey, you are not carrying

message, you are spreading the disease. And I heard her say, shut up. And it hurt my feelings and I went home in tears and I said to my husband, she hurt my feelings. And he said, what are you going to do? And out of nowhere except God, I said, well, I'm going to ask you to be my sponsor.

Wrong thing to say because then he's in my ear. Have you asked? Have you asked? Have you asked, have you asked? And this is where we were when I got a sponsor and I had about I used to say it was a year of my husband's sponsoring me and Al Anon he was in a a, it turns out it was about six months, but it felt so much longer than that.

And I'm a helper. I like to help. That's that is one of my assets and it's one of my defects of character. And I think there's a very fine line for me from where I go from being caring to being a caretaker. And he had gotten sober and I believe when he and I married that he and I ceased to be he and I and we became a we and we should do everything together and we should think the same and we should act the same and we should want to do all the same things. And so when he got sober and he started working the steps

and I was going to al Anon meetings because I was not working the steps, I was going to meetings, he decided that he wanted to start exercising. And what I heard was we needed to start exercising. And so I was going to help him exercise. Now his exercising was running. So I think up in my head the best way I can help and as I can buy a bike and I can ride beside him and I'm going to ride with him as he's running, but I forget I'm dealing with an alcoholic. And So what started out, and we were going to run 2,

three times a week. Within a week we were trading for a marathon, which is 26.2 miles. And I'm helping him and he's jacking in my ear and yakking in my ear. If you got a sponsor, you got a sponsor, you got to sponsor. What step are you on? What step are you on? What step are you on? Those questions are incredibly annoying. If you do not have a sponsor and you are not working steps, at least they were for me. Don't want to talk about that. And I'd heard this woman talk about working the steps, and I'd heard her talk about defects of character, and I heard her talk about turning things over to God

and umm, and that was an interesting concept to me. But I was not turning anything over to God because I had this idea that God

had this list. We had the good girl list and the bad girl list. And I thought I was on the bad girl list. I was on the goofy girl list.

I was not on the bad girl list because I'm goofy not and I just exaggerated sense of how awful I was and how horrible I was. And you know, can you bottom this? I'm so bad. And I had all these ideas, but they were all myself, imposed ideas, selfish and self-centered. It was all about me. I was always thinking about me in comparison with you or where I was or how awful I was. And she was talking about the steps and talking about this relationship with God, and I wasn't doing anything

God. So looking at six, becoming entirely ready to have God remove these characters, defects, a character. And yeah, one, I don't have a whole lot of them and I'm not doing it. And about six months, you heard me say yesterday, I suddenly realized that I was looking at the problem. I was my own problem.

And so when when can't ask me one last time, you know, what are you doing about a sponsor? I thought, I'm going to have to kill him. My that was my option. I'm just going to run him down with the truck. And that was my idea of how of where I get six months into meetings and not doing anything. And I asked this woman

and she said yes, and she take me through the steps. And so she took me to the steps. And when we got to six, she had me read step 6, became entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. And I said, OK, what do I need to do? And she said, read the step again, became entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. What do I need to do? Read the step again. Became entirely ready to have God.

God removes the defects of character. That was stunning because I'd heard people say in meetings while I'm working on my defects of character,

well, if I'm God wants me to have these defects of character because I'm still working on them, I thought, well, if I have them, then I'm supposed to get rid of them. And I had this idea that I couldn't go to God and ask Him to remove the defects of character until I had already taken care of them. Does that sound like insane thinking? It was. It makes no sense to me today. But I thought I couldn't go to God because I needed to get good before I could go to Him and ask Him to help me.

And having done the four and five, I had this list of defects of character. And she said, are you entirely ready? And of course, what are you going to say to your sponsor? No, I'm not entirely ready. I said, yeah, I'm entirely ready. And she said, OK, we'll see.

I thought one, that's an odd thing to say to me. But what happened was these defects of character started popping up. This whole idea of minding my own business, staying in my own hula hoop, not worrying about what my husband was doing. I was constitutionally incapable, constitutionally incapable of checking the bank account to see what he was buying on a daily basis. My defective character of control,

my defective character of controlling the finances. And she said, are you willing to have God remove that? And I said, yes, I am.

Every single day. I was getting on the computer checking the bank account and I was rationalizing and justifying it and defending it. Will I need to know how much money we have in the account so I know what bills to pay? No, I didn't. I was given the opportunity. And she said, and I said, all right, I am tired of looking at this stuff. She said then you perhaps might be entirely ready to have him remove these defects of character. She said, what you need is willingness. It's not you removing and it's the willingness to have God do it. And so I said, OK, so now we're going to do the humbly.

Do you know, I was looking this morning, I was thinking about this and doing a little meditation about it. In our literature, it says at step 7 is the 1st place we actually ask God for anything.

One, what's the problem? Two, what's the solution? Three, I make a decision. Four, I do the inventory. Five, I share it with somebody else. Six, I become entirely ready. Seven, I ask God to remove those defects of character.

And she said humbly is not humiliation. He's not wanting you to humiliate yourself. He's asking you to just humbly come to him and ask for his help. He wants to help you, but he's not coming anywhere. He's not invited. Ask him to help you. And I had to look up the definition of what did humbly mean and humbly just means I know my right place in the universe. And for me early on, it was there is a God and it's not me. When I got here, I would have told you I believed in a in a, in a God. I would not have described it as a power greater than

myself, Power as great as myself perhaps, but not greater than myself. Because he could take care of the big stuff like the Middle East. I would take care of the little stuff like my house, my husband, my money. And I had to become entirely ready to have God. We move those defects of character. And I can't force myself to change. I can only ask him to be with me. And what happened for me is the biggest, one of the biggest things that I held on to the longest time was the finances. You know, I am supposed to be responsible for

finances. God wants me to be responsible. I'm supposed to be mature adult, and I used all the language that I had learned in Al Anon to sound really good to justify, rationalize and defend my control of the money.

And what ended up happening was God put a man in my life who I absolutely, positively adore. My husband, his manner of dealing with finances and my manner of dealing with finances or a completely different ways of dealing with finances. And one of the things that happened early on as he came to me and he said I need to learn to be financially responsible. I'd like a credit card.

Talk to my sponsor about it, said OK, that would be good. I'm entirely ready to have God remove all of my defects of characters. I'm asking him to remove my shortcomings. I have to take some action. For me, it's always about the action. What does that action look like? Because it does it does you mean no good for people to say, well, let go and let God? What? What does that mean? What that means is I let go, I let God, Kent says, I I've talked to my sponsor, I think I need a credit card. I say, OK, I'm not happy, I'm not comfortable, but I say, OK, he gets that little credit card

within a month. He's it's got like a $500 limit. He's maxed that out and I'm like, how do you do this in a month? How do you do this in a month? He said, I don't know. All right, we got to do something different. Constantly working towards this idea that God's in charge of my finances and I'm saying it, but I'm not all the way in yet. I guess I'm not all the way in. I'm not out, but I'm not all the way in. Couple years later, I'm ready to work on the finances again. I'm still doing the work and I'm like, OK, get another little credit card

that maxes out. So we come up with a plan. I come up with a plan. I'm good at plans. And the plan is he's going to get an allowance and he can do whatever he wants with the allowance. I'm not He's got his own account. We deposit the money. I don't check the account. It's his to do with. I'm taking the action. I'm still asking because I'm still having the fear and I don't know why I thought that once I gave this this

financial stuff over to God, I wouldn't have the fear anymore. The truth is I had the fear, but I didn't act on the fear. I didn't constantly ask him what we spending stuff on. Occasionally I would say things to him like, wow,

that's a really nice gun safe. How'd you get that? Because I know how much gun saves cost and they're not anywhere in his budget. And he said to me, God love him. He said, I bought it on layaway. Now, my husband is the king of instant gratification. And I thought, yeah, that's interesting. But what I learned to do, because I was asking God to remove my defects of character and my shortcomings, the ones that stood in my way, not his mind. I was taking that stuff to my sponsor. I was not taking it to him. And I took that stuff