The topic of Steps 8 and 9 at the Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Copper Mountain, CO

Nine, I'll read. Step eight, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make to make amends to them all. Step nine, you can all join in if you want to help out. May direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Our first panelist is Chris N from Solid Foundations, Littleton Co Please help me. Welcome, Chris.

I have Brady. I'm Chris

say I'm a grateful member of Al Anon, but that's not always true and I try not to lie from behind the podium.

I did come into Al Anon April 8th of 1994.

Thank you. And the reason I know that date specifically was because I was able to look back months later and when my girlfriend and I had come in together apparently we couldn't sign our own name so we signed for each other, which is a pretty good indication of how I was operating before I got here.

I also haven't found it necessary to drink or take any mind altering chemicals since a hoodie concert in the fall of 94. I don't remember the exact date but I do have the T-shirt still.

So I've been doing this deal a while and

you know, the toughest part I have about getting up here is to not tell you what I want to tell you because there's a lot of things you need to know and, you know, tell you what my experience has been and, and let God speak through me. So what I'll do is just try and stay focused on the the 8th and 9th step. The first time I was working on my list, I had a friend ask me because I've been working on the list for a while,

how long is your list? And my response was, well, I've known a lot of people.

And I said that flippantly. I didn't didn't realize what that really meant. And what it really meant was that when I got here, I believed that if you'd been present in my life, I'd harmed you in some way because I wasn't worthy of being anywhere or in anybody's presence. If I had taken up oxygen that you were more rightly deserving of, I had harmed you. I don't feel that way anymore. That's one of the gifts of having made that list And and

going over that list with the help of a sponsor,

a lot of help of a sponsor because I owed everybody everything when I got here. We'll talk about

my 9th step, my course as I'm going through the list and you divide it up into who you're willing to make amends to and who you're never going to make amends to. I made the comment to my sponsor that I'm willing to make amends to everybody except for my sister because I'm currently punishing her for bad behavior. And I don't want to have to do that today. But it's fine because she's traveling with the carnival, so I won't have any opportunity to see her and have to make amends to her. So we'll just put her on that never list. And

I won't take editorial freedom and say, well, the next moment she called. But within a relatively short amount of time, like a week or two, I got a call from my mom that said, Hey, your sister who's traveling with the carnival is in a town real close to where you're working and she'd really like to see you.

That's great. That's awesome. And of course, immediately called my sponsor and said, what do I do? And he said, well, my suggestion is you go there and the first thing that you do is you make your amends to her so that you can enjoy the rest of the time that you spend with her. And I thought that was a great idea. So I, I drove to the town she was at and, you know, she met me at the gates to the carnival and, you know, we had some time to talk and of course didn't make the amends then. And then we got on the, the Ferris wheel and of course, she worked there. So we were on that Ferris wheel for like an hour.

We're just going in circles, just the two of us in our own carts. And I didn't make the amends then. And I mean, I was basically there for about 8 hours hanging out and hadn't had an opportunity yet to say, you know, I was wrong. And as I'm leaving, of course, I'm like, you know, I cannot go home and then call my sponsor tomorrow and say, didn't have a chance. You know, So literally as I was walking out the gate, you know, I turned to her and said, you know, look, I, I've been wrong and I was wrong and,

and the manner in which I've treated you is unacceptable. Is there anything I can do to make that up to you? And we were able to, you know, I was fairly new. And she said, no, it's good. And I'm like, no, no, you have to give me a reason. Now I've been, listen, I've been thinking about this amends for months and you have 3 seconds to give me a real answer. She didn't,

you know, but our relationship changed at that point, which was really kind of cool. It's since gone full circle. She's, she's,

she's made some choices in her life and,

and it's, it's, it's, it's changed. You know, it hasn't been rainbows and butterflies since then with my sister. She has some issues that she's working through and and sometimes I'm not a part of that relationship anymore. Through her choice, not mine,

I'm no longer punishing her for bad behavior. Today when I call, I ask her how she's doing and I just listen and I don't tell her what she needs to be doing differently or how she needs to fix it.

In that same time, when I was out there being an evangelist for Al Anon,

I was trying to tell my mom what she needed to do and how she needed to be different. And she very clearly pointed out to me that she knew what recovery was. She knew where it was. And if she ever needed it, she would go find it. And would I just shut up? And, and I did, you know, I, I made the amends to her

and, you know, in, in our, in the book and I looked at the book before I came up here and I realized that I had enough time that I could just basically read what it says about the 8th and 9th and that would take up all of my time. But I didn't think that'd be very good.

You know, I, I did become amazed before I was halfway through, you know, people asked, you know, what happened and when did it happen? And at some point, while I was making those direct amends to people,

I became worthy

or a worthwhile human being just because I was. And I did clear away the wreckage of my past

wherever possible and whenever possible, you know, unless to do so would injure them or others. And I didn't get to make that call. You know, my sponsor was the one that was able to talk those things out with me and let me know in those situations where now you don't get to go make amends to her

over dinner at a nice restaurant. That's not going to be a good plan. So, you know, that's been the thing for me is having that sponsor in my life.

Just recently, my sponsor went through a pretty traumatic year. He lost his mom and his dad in the same year. And I realized I'd been around quite a while and I hadn't made amends to my dad. And my dad was the man that I hated.

At 12:13 and 14 years old, I plotted his death. I had diagrams

not of how to kill him, that was the easy part. But how do you get rid of the body without evidence was the tough thing.

And this was a man. I was make amends to him when I got into the military. I worked out for years just so I could come home and kill him

with my bare hands because that seemed a little more personal. And, you know, I got to go home. I mean, and it became time. It wasn't a, you know, God's will. And I was walking down a street and he stepped out of a coffee shop. And it was, you know what? It's time for me to make amends to my dad's

and I didn't. I was looking here in here for the directions on how to do it. And

you know, I've heard a lot of people talk about a lot of different ways and how they explain what they're doing. You know, and I, it took me a while. I went, I went home to visit and it took me three or four days before my dad was sober enough and coherent enough that I felt it was actually going to be an amends to somebody that would was conscious enough to hear it. And, and that's not my judgment. That's just, I mean, my dad drinks and that's all that he does. And I didn't, you know, I wasn't going to fax in my amends to him. I wanted him to at least be aware that I was talking to him. And and, you know, the fact that it took three or four days

is kind of painful. It's part of my family history. But I was able to say to him, you know, I didn't show you the respect that you deserved. And is there any way that I can make that up to you? And

you know, his response was I didn't, I didn't show you the respect that you deserved either.

And in our relationship changed,

it didn't change immediately and it didn't, you know, he's still, he still does what he does. My dad drinks and that's, that's what he does

every day. At some point, he decided that the world owed him something and he's been out to get it ever since then. And, you know, a lot of our conversations end with me just walking out of the room,

but I don't tell them off and I don't tell them I just have to leave the room because I've been in arguments with my dad before for an hour when I completely agreed with him and he decided to argue. And it didn't matter that I was in complete agreement with them. And, you know, but that's that's been a gift of this program for me, that I'm able to

have a relationship with them that I didn't know that I could ever have. And I love my dad. I know today that he did. And he's doing the best that he can with the tools that he's got. And and that's all that I can ask of him. And, you know, I'm forever grateful for that. On that same trip, I was able to make amends to an old classmate that, you know, was something I hadn't thought of in years and years and years. And and the cool thing about those that kind of amends for me was, you know, she laughed at me when I made the amends. She was like, Oh my God, I don't even. Oh yeah, I do

that. She's like, I didn't even think about it 10 minutes after it happened. But as a result of my humbling myself and going to her, she was able to share with me that after I'd left that school, some things that happened in her life and her our entire class had shunned her. So my reaching out to her some 15 years later was a big deal in her world. And it ended up having nothing to do with the fact that I tore her sweatpants playing flag football in 6th grade,

you know? So, God, you know, I got to be the messenger of, you know, she had no right to be shunned by anybody.

And that was awesome. I also got to make amends to my little brother on that trip,

you know, and my little brother is,

he's a cool guy. He's an awesome dad.

And I was able to just say to him, you know,

because, you know, you don't talk about emotions, you don't talk about anything with my little brother because he's, he's macho. He's the guy. And you know, but I was able to sit down with him and say, you know, are we good? Is there anything that, you know, are we good? Because I don't want there to be any, anything between us

other than,

you know, that we're brothers. And

today we have a relationship where he's able to look at me and say, no, we're good.

And you know, I can't. I didn't, I didn't come here for that stuff. You know, I didn't. I came in here to get my girlfriend's mom sober. You know, things were going pretty good for me when I came in the doors. It was months after I'd been here where I realized I was sitting up at bed at 2:00 in the morning thinking about how she'd screwed up her life when I realized I had an issue. You know, I suffer from the family disease of alcoholism, and I'm powerless over alcohol. You know, I can't drink it and not feel the effects either. You know I can't.

I can't have power over other things

today. I'm powerless.

I'm going through some stuff in my life that's not fun stuff, you know, today, Happy, joyous and free for me.

You know, I'm not skipping down the sidewalk singing a jolly tune. I'm going through some stuff that's that's not fun stuff, Some clinical stuff, you know, clinical depression, chronic fatigue. I'm, I've got some foreclosure going on. I got some bankruptcy going on and

you know, and the difference for me today is I'm OK as a result of those things happening. I'm not a failure and I'm not a worthless human being. I just got some crap going on that sucks and

and I came through the doors with a pretty girlfriend and a good job at a brand new motorcycle and a brand new car and I was miserable, you know, and today I got the exact opposite going on and I'm still OK. I didn't even know that that was possible to be OK with all of this stuff.

You know, I had a Tuesday happen about a month and a half ago that wouldn't had there was enough bad stuff happened that day that it would constitute most people's bad year,

you know, And I put a call into my sponsor, you know, and we had to wait until the next day until I got to talk to my sponsor. And I couldn't have done that without the tools of this program and being in these rooms for as long as I haven't. I'm forever grateful for that. It's just been an incredible journey. And it's not all, you know, rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes it's, sometimes it's life. As a result of this program, I got to,

I got a job not too long ago and, and I was kind of, I wanted more responsibility. So my boss gave me the problem child in the company that he was a, he was a Mexican gangster and that's what he was. He didn't talk to me. He didn't look at me for about the 1st, I don't know, a couple days we worked together. It took me about six weeks before I actually got him to to crack a smile

And, and I, and I, I mean, that's what he was. He has an AK47 at home. He wore a bandana. That's, and

I'm a hillbilly from northern Minnesota and

took me about six weeks to get him to crack a smile and we worked together for about 8-9 months, 10 months. And I got fired from that job ultimately because,

you know, I'm, I had a driver's license and a green card, and I expected my boss to treat me like an employee, not a slave. And he didn't appreciate that, so I had to go.

And that that Mexican gangster that I started working with that didn't smile and didn't talk to me and nobody wanted to work with because he was angry and he was mean.

He called me about four months ago now

and I'm just like, hey, how's it going? And he's like, it's so bad, so bad. And I'm like,

what's going on? And his 12 year old son had been diagnosed with cancer and the doctors had just told him that he wasn't going to make it. And they gave him three to five days

before I got here. I wasn't the guy that he would have called. I was the guy he would have hated because I was a control freak and I was a jerk all of the time because you weren't doing it the way I thought you should be doing it. And Alan gave me the gift that I got to be be there for him. And I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what to do. But I knew that when he called and gave me that information that I needed to go and I was able to say, wow, that sucks. Where are you?

You know, and he said, you know, we're at Children's and if, if you could find some time to come down,

I'd appreciate it. And I was like, I'm on my way. I'll be right there. And

you know, I can't ever give that back. I can't ever give that back to anybody. It's

that's the gifts that I get from coming through the doors of being able to be there for somebody else and be of maximum use to God and my fellows. And today, you know, I don't, I'm not, I don't come through. I don't go to meetings for the newcomer. I go to meetings so that I can have this life so that I can not live and feel like I used to live and feel, you know, and if, if something I'm doing or saying help somebody else, great. But I'm still here as a recovered member. I've recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Absolutely.

But I got to keep doing this deal or I go to an unhappy, dark place and I don't want to go back there. It sucked and this is a much better place. It's been an awesome conference. The honesty from this podium was always, always incredible and I appreciate it. Thank you.

Jeremy V from Primary Purpose Group in Costa Mesa, CA. Thank you.

I'm Jeremy. I'm an alcoholic

and, you know, it's an honor to be here at this conference. And, and

I've been coming the last three years, kind of a strange series of coincidences, as many things in sobriety are, of how I got here. You know, a phone call from a friend in New York told me a name, a speaker tape, the guy on the speaker tape and Mark, you know, had a huge influence on this. And, and then that year my, I got my girlfriend pregnant and the baby was due at the time of the week of my, my normal annual men's retreat.

And I thought, you know what, maybe I should go and check out this, this retreat out in Colorado. Got a couple of guys together. We came out and then and it was just kind of a, you know,

it renewed my curiosity, my interest, my excitement, you know, for Alcoholics Anonymous at the time, my sobriety dates January, not January, July 24th, 2002. So it's usually around the week of this conference is I'm, I'm taking that next year, you know, and so I'd be coming up on 11 years this year.

I found out about that around seven, 7-8 years. And, you know, it's, it's,

it's just, it's just been remarkable, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous and, and what I, you know, did I do everything perfect from the time I came in? No, you hear, you know, primary purpose group think, oh, this guy's going to be a big book thumper. And I just love those people because I love the enthusiasm. I love the truth about it. And, and I've seen what it's done in my community. I, I, I, I was one of the Co founding members of, of one of their books study format meetings in my community.

It's had a ripple effect there in our meeting is about, it's about 120 people. Average age is probably about 22, you know, and, and so a lot of you know, we got guys pick them off one at a time. They join the group. You know, our core group is getting bigger and bigger.

They're staying sober, they're taking chips, their lives are being recreated. You know, they're, they've got power back in their life. And it's just an amazing thing to be involved in Alcoholics Anonymous in that level, you know, and part of partially due to this, this conference and this fellowship in particular. So

getting home from this conference last year, you know, I celebrated 10 years of sobriety, you know, and, and I got home to, to a note on my kitchen counter that I had, that the girlfriend had become a fiance and then I had had a,

you know, a ten month old daughter. And I got home to a note on the counter saying I needed to find a new place to live, you know, in a house that I paid all the bills. And, you know, and basically, you know, I said, how could God do this to me? Someone explained, Hey, this is not a failure of God. This is a failure of you to live a life,

you know, based on self will. This is a failure of Jeremy running the show. And it was very clear to me and evident and speaking about 8:00 and 9:00, you know, a lot of times the, the, the eight step, you know, it's like if we make the list, we make the list, you know, a couple sentences about it. And it says we make a list and then we prepare to, you know, you know, take care of this wreckage, which is accumulated out of a not from our drinking, but it says from efforts to live a life based on self and run, you know, I was like, Jeez, you know, so.

I'm going to actually quote quote something out of the 12 and 12 which you know, says step 8-9. You know, we're concerned with personal relations. First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we've been at fault. Next, we make the vigorous attempt to repair the damage we've done. And this is a part I'd always missed out on. And 3rd, having thus cleared away the debris of the past, we considered how with our new found knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.

I thought, man, you know, and I said, OK, you know, with this girl. Yeah, I done, I've done a lot of damage. She's obviously on the list, you know, and, and a sponsor kind of pointed this, I,

we went through it out of this 12 and 12 and pointed this out to me. And I thought he said, I said, well, you know, I know what my immense list is. It's here. It's these 15 names. And he's been watching me around the rooms of a, a, you know, for the last year. And he said, well, what about that time that this guy came up and talked to you and you kind of just, you kind of dusted him, like maybe you were better than him or, you know, you're, you've got more time or you, you think you know, more. And I said, you know.

Oh, and,

you know, and, and and, and, and in that list from 15 people went to about AI don't know

607080 people. And what it was is I had to look at how I interacted with people, how I treated people because failures on that big level with that relationship. You know, it's very obvious. But what about how I treat the guy at the, at the coffee place, how I treat the guy at the car wash, how I, how I treat the convenience store, how I treat people in my Home group that are doing the best that they can. You know, they're doing the best that they can with what they know. How do I look down on them? Look down my nose on some spiritual hilltop

and look at these people. Or do I or do I have love, tolerance, kindness helps show that, you know, am I, am I worried about this in, in, in every relation with every human being, you know, And so that eight step where that list is, it's it's it's really become like instead of a list, it's like a tool that I can you know, we made all I'm willing to make amends of these people. I go over my sponsor. Not all of them do I do I own amends to, but it's like AI can look at this relation. Look how I affected, you know, how I affected this person, how I harmed this person. What was my interaction here?

And hopefully, you know, I've got 11 years, surprise, almost 11 years sobriety. And, and I mean, I am a, I'm a, I'm really deficient in the, in the area of relations, even even here amongst you all. And so, you know, and then the, the last paragraph of that we should avoid extreme judgments both of ourselves and of others involved. We must not exaggerate our own defects or theirs. A quiet, objective view will be our steadfast aim. Whatever, whenever our pencil falters,

will can fortify

and cheer ourselves by remembering what AAA experienced in this step has meant to others. It is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God.

So all of a sudden that a step, that stupid list

has become this catapult, this trampoline, this springboard, that if I, if I can effectively use that, it could really start to end the isolation between you all me, me, God. It's just, you know, I'm a seeker. And that's another way I think I can get a little bit more relief and a little bit more power and become a little more useful, you know, to, to those around me. And

you know, and as far as the 9th step, as far as the 9th step go, I mean, I,

I could sit up here and tell you nine step stories for two hours, you know, and make people, I don't cry that much. I feel like I don't fit in cuz I don't cry that much. But I could probably I could probably get some tears may make some other people cry and tell you these stories, you know, But but and it's weird because it in the last three speaking things I've done, I've the day of. I have some I have this thing with this lawnmower that I sabotaged on community service at this airport when I was 16

that the guy on the speaker tape talked about becoming consciously aware. I forgot that my initial list, but this was 16 years later, I'm contacting this airport like, Hey, I need to make this right. I broke your lawn mower. You know, no one will call me back. They probably thought I was crazy. Well, the day the day of, I got these emails, you know, God bless you. Come visit us, you know, all this stuff. And then I was asked and I was speaking somewhere that night. The last time I had this girl who I destroyed her life and

I hadn't seen her in three years and I was with my daughter

and I was riding with a friend to go buy some jeans at some fancy store which I would never go to. And she worked there. You know, I didn't know how to, I got her number and I, you know, now I got a four, you know, form that I can make amends and I, you know, I did that. But, and I was speaking that night today I'm, I'm in between the potluck and this, I'm laying in my room and I get a call from a sponsee and I just want a nap. You know, I got my eyeballs feel like they're popping on my head. My throat's dry. I got a headache. I'm peeing non-stop. I can't like this altitude thing. I just

take a break. This guy's calling me. I don't want to talk to him. I answer the phone as a guy, but sponsored for last four years. He's got a sponsee that just took a year yesterday and he's calling me to let me know that he was very excited because from our first meeting, he was concerned about the money that he owed and and he was calling me to let me know. I wrote the final check today, man, and I feel and I feel great, you know, and, and it was like, and now here I am speaking,

you know, and so

I'm an experienced guy, you know, I love getting an experience in AI Want, I want to be able to come here and twist around the words, explain things more eloquently, sound better, smarter, more advanced, a better student. It's not me. I, my, I bumped my head against the wall. I go the other direction. I bump my head, I go, I'm a seeker, I'm curious. I, I just, that's how I work in a, a, you know, and another quick immense story, you know, and this is current stuff. I I don't talk about, you know, this is current stuff and, and

two weeks ago,

prior to June 10th, right, June 10th, June 9th, I called my buddy Charlie in Texas. I'm telling, hey, you know, seven years of sobriety. I got a phone call on a Sunday night. Hey, your dad was just killed in a car accident. I hadn't had a chance to make amends to my father. OK, Now this is almost four years later, you know, and I barely, I just had a chance to do it two weeks ago, but wrote a letter, you know, I went to the garage and dugout his ashes out of the zip lock bag in some box I stored somewhere.

And I called Charlie and said, hey, Charlie, you know, I'm going to climb this mountain. I put my lottery thing in in February. My date they gave me was June 10th. I'm going to take the ashes. I'm going to take this letter that I wrote to this man that can't be seen.

I'm gonna make my immense the dad, my dad on top of this mountain. So Mount Whitney, you know, tallest mountain in America, it's symbolic, whatever more spiritual, it's the tallest one, you know, and

so I, you know, and so I'm, I'm going up there, it's 100° and out on the, you know, zero elevation. Start going up. So I, I like, you know, I'm gonna pack light because I want to move fast. So I leave my gloves behind, you know, I leave my gloves behind. Well, actually Charlie said why June 10th? I said that's the day I was awarded through this lottery system of thousands of people.

Did you have any idea that that was a birthday? You know, that's Doctor Bob Supply today birthday to a a little God shot there, you know? Great. So I left my gloves, right? It's hot. I don't need gloves. It's 100°. I leave my gloves and we're going up. All of a sudden it starts snowing, you know, and it's, the winds are 40 miles an hour. Yeah, everyone knows 14,000 feet, the elevation, you know, the the weather can change. And my friend lives with me. He had two gloves and he only had one walking stick. So he said hey, I'll give you my one glove

and I'm going to have and I'll put my hand in my pocket and I'll use my walking stick. Said man, feel great, you know that? That's great. And then at least I have one glove and we can just keep switching hands and we'll be all good. Not more than like 2 minutes down that path, there was a glove laying in the path and it was the, the opposite hands, the hand I needed.

I thought, you know, here I am coming here to make these amends to my father. My father was a mountain man. He was a sailor. He was climbed mountains, he raced across oceans. He did all this stuff. And here I am doing this, Amanda, I'm doing, I'm doing the best I can in a, a, to take the action to, to get that contact, you know, and then there was this glove, you know, and I just said I knew it. So that, that's my dad, you know, he put the glove there, whatever, but I just knew it, you know, and I went to the top and I threw the ashes and everyone's looking at me and a couple of guys up there.

But I did, you know, doing the work. I'm getting the results,

you know, and I love the speaker said last night without help, because I love that without help. I got to have help. I got to have I got to be transparent with a group of men, you know, my with my little home groups there. I got to be accountable. I got to know what's going on, you know, and for the first time, I'm not that I'm not that guy on page 73 that leads a double life. You know, that I'm presenting a stage character at the podium in my Home group. I

talk to smack. I'm not that guy. I'm praying, I'm meditating every morning. I'm making amends. I have guys in the steps. I have, you know, I'm I'm in doing a A

and it feels great. My attention, my anxiety, my stress, my stuff is going down, you know, and I feel like I'm live, I'm living, I'm happy, I'm joyous, I'm free, you know, and I'm so excited for for my life today, for Alcoholics Anonymous, for those people around me, the relationships, I'm probably screw a few more up, but you know, I'm, I'm figuring it out, I'm working on it. But it's, and it's such an honor and a pleasure and, and, and, you know, to be asked to come up here and, and, and maybe, you know, breakdown the barriers between you all, you know, I'm just,

it's just amazing. So thank you.

Thank you.

Derek M from Denver, Thursday night, Denver, Co.

My name is Derek Mountain. I'm an alcoholic.

I've been a sober and active member of Alcoholics Anonymous since September 29th of 01 and my Home group is the Denver Thursday Night Group

and you guys look beautiful from up here.

I'm glad to be here.

It just occurred to me that it was nine years ago on this panel that my, what is now my wife spoke and, and

started this train of discovering that she was the woman I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. And, and I love you guys. I think the committee for everything that you've done and all the panelists that have spoken and will yet speak and the speakers that have spoken and will yet speak. And this has been a fantastic weekend so far.

So it's, it's only through sponsorship and in looking in hindsight that I've been able to piece together the pieces of my life before alcohol, during alcohol, and since alcohol. And it's through that sponsorship out of the big book that I've I've discovered that I'm a spiritual thief and that I've been looking for power in any number of things for as long as I can remember.

And when I was young, that was in books. I love to read, I love to escape. I love to imagine that I was in some other place in time because the place and time that I was in right here, right now

was horrible. And it was all in my head on the outside, everything looked for the most part, OK. I mean, there was alcoholism, there was, I was raised by a single mother. But there, there was love, There was, there was clean clothes, there was food. But in my mind, I was separate from and I was less than and I, I just didn't simply add up. So I escaped in books. And as I grew older, I discovered that I could escape much faster, much easier, into a bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

And that took me to a deep, dark place in which I was ripe

for a spiritual awakening. My spirit was ready to be awakened. I was willing to go anywhere and do anything to not be the person that I had become. And I started to grasp onto this belief very early on

that God is deep down within every man, woman, and child. And I've been looking out here. I've been looking everywhere but within me and within you. And if lack of power is my dilemma, and if power resides within me and power resides within you, then why not do a fourth step? Why not start to look at how it is that my resentments and my fears and my sexual conduct manifest themselves in my life and in my relationships with you and cut me off from you?

And I start to recognize that every time I harmed you, whoever you happen to be, that I was cutting myself off from that power just a little bit more. And I carried this shame and this guilt and this remorse for many, many years. And I don't know how many hundreds or thousands of mornings I woke up with this, this foggy or clear recollection of what I had done the night before and felt this shame and this guilt and this remorse and approach the person with an apology

so that they would let me off the hook, so that they would not think less of me. But none of that made me feel any better. None of that made them really feel any better. And especially towards the end of my drinking, they would say, yeah, yeah, you know what? Why don't you just go on over there? I've heard it enough,

but I go through this inventory and I sit down on my fifth step in and I start to get clearer and clearer on the harm that I've caused.

And, and I know that the 8th step is coming and I've done my 6th step in my 7th step and, and I pretty much have a list for my, for my amends in my 8th step. But there are people that were on my first eighth step, especially my first eight step that I had no resentment against that I needed to add to that list that I had that I was very clear I had harmed. OK. And and got to do a little bit extra digging to get clear on the harm with my sponsor so that I would not approach them and cause more harm in the amends.

And there was for sure some trepidation in approaching these people,

but I thought I was very excited and I was, I think I was at the beginning to do at least those, those three or four that were just weighing on me the heaviest. And, and I sat down with my sponsor and we went over the harm. And I said, you know, I, I went over exactly what I was going to say so that I would not bring their, their faults into the, into the picture. And, and I went out and I made them and I felt better

and I rested on my laurels because this is, you know, this is what I do. I'm a good friend. Used to say I'm a good starter and a bad finisher, right? I can do the Sprint really well, but I'm not in for the long haul. So I made these three or four, I felt great. And then I went about my business and, and I was sitting down with my sponsor one night and he says,

how are your men's going? And I said, you know, they're OK. And he said how are your financial amends going?

And I owed a lot of money and I said well I'm willing but I've got such and such bills and and XYZ is going on. And he just smiled and said, why don't you go pray about it?

And so I did. I went up to my apartment and I, it was, it was like the size of this stage and, and I, and I earnestly prayed about it. And I, I had before this had little burning blades of grass that were showing up in my life in which I could recognize the power of God showing up in my life, mostly through you. But I went up and I earnestly prayed if there was any way that God saw fit that I could start freeing up some money, if it was $5 at a time or $20 a time, to start making this reparations, to start giving them back their money. It was not my money

1st place. And a couple of days later I, I got a letter back from the, the City and County of Denver clerk's office. I showed up here with two felony convictions and I had two felony cases that I was paying reparations on per the judge's orders. But I was doing like $20.00 a month on one and $20.00 a month on the other. And I, and I'd gotten this letter and it said it was a receipt really is what it was. And it said at the bottom, balance owed 0.

Now, I've prayed on Tuesday, if you see fit, to show me the way to make these amends. And on Thursday, I get this receipt back from the city and county of Denver. And I called up the clerk's office thinking there's been a mistake. I do not immediately think God has answered my prayer. I think there's been a mistake. So I call and I talk to the clerk and she says, well, you're not going to believe this. But the judge, the very judge who had locked me up many, many times, has waived my fees and fines because he's seen the progress that I've made in Alcoholics Anonymous in society in reaching out to the Denver drug.

And, and by now I'm ecstatic. And I said, can you please do me a favor while you're in the system to look at this other case and tell me what my exact to the penny balance is so that I can make a conscious effort to really pay this down. And she said, well, you're not going to believe this, but you owe 0 on this case as well.