The Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Copper Mountain, CO

Derek jealous of my hair.

I'm thinking he talked to my wife before that because I'm sure she loaded them up on some of that stuff.

Well, hi, I'm Brian. I'm an alcoholic

and as a direct,

as a direct result of taking and continuing to practice the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not had a drink since March 6th of 1993. And,

and I'm telling you, that is a miracle and,

and it's all due to God and Alcoholics Anonymous good sponsorship. Umm,

my mom loves Alcoholics Anonymous. She loves that you brought her son home

and so does my dad, rest his rest his soul. So I'm really grateful to be here. I'm like a little bit, well, I'm not even a little bit anything. I'm a lot nervous. And there's a lot of my heroes sitting in this room. Last time I was at Fox was 12 years ago. We were spying to start Nephots up in Maine, Took everything, brought it up there. And so we're also pregnant with my daughter who's here with me. I, I want to say you guys are amazing that, I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how grateful and honoured I am that you asked me to speak.

Then you would invite my wife, which allowed us to, you know, fly our kids in with us and be able to spend the weekend with our family here. It means a real lot to me. I mean, it's, I can't even tell you. And I'm, I'm hoping I know God's going to speak through them. And we did some prayer and meditation in the morning downstairs and I know I need to get out of the way. I, you know, I come here to bear witness and I'm telling you, I am so blessed. I have such a blessed life. And I'm looking in the room, I mean,

Murray. And then I'm looking at Mary there. And let me tell you about Mary Thayer. I met that woman 17 years ago in Maine. She's beside my wife. She knows me the longest. And she just came up to me and said, you know, I've never heard your story.

And I'm thinking of it because we're just friends, you know, I'm sure she's heard pieces of it.

And Tama, Juanita, Tony, so. And I did have a guy come up and say you need to give a shout out to me. His name is Jeff from Arizona, so

a real knucklehead.

That's my shout out.

I'm Stalin. So if you come up and thank me or you know, say anything nice to me after, if you either just inclined to and you know, or your sponsor demands out of you, I want you to know, and I know you already know this, but I want you to know that that this is a gift from God. Anything that has given to me has been through God. So you're not thanking me, you're thinking God and I know you know that, but I need you to know that I know that. I truly know that

any time I've put self will into my recovery it is gone amok. So anything good is through the blessings of God. So I just want to say that

on the flip side, if you're out there on the patio and you're going like, wow, what was that?

That's not like a bad case of untreated alcoholism. If you do that,

all right, you're judging in God.

And we don't do that in AA.

OK, so I'm officially off the hook. So I, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1992

and I didn't come a willing participant. My professor sent me to you. I just gotten done spending six years in a federal penitentiary and I was in an IOP. It was an IOP. It was, it was, well, I don't know what it was, but it was intensive outpatient to me. And part of that was I was supposed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. And I was going to this program at Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night, 6:00 to 9:00 PM. And it was my first introduction to the possibility that I may have a problem with drugs or alcohol.

And I was a master at hiding my alcoholism behind my drug addiction,

which really, really stymied my recovery. But so I would go to these things. And I realized I had to have a sheet signed and I realized really early

that if you, nobody's in charge in a, a, so you know, so I would just sign the sheets, you know, and, and when I end up violating and going back to prison, the, I remember my, my professor asked me said, So what meeting do you go on Wednesday nights? And I was slipping up to always have my meeting list with me. He called me on the phone. I was checking in and I whipped it out and I said, Oh, I go to the Wednesday night and I, he goes, oh, when's the last time you were there? And I looked at where I'd signed it and I gave him today. He says, that's weird. That meeting has been closed for six months.

See my

the delusional thinking around my alcoholism, I was never in denial. I mean, there's that's never been a vocabulary for me because denying means I know something and I'm just denying it. I was delusional. I really could not see the truth,

just couldn't see it. I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I was too young to be an alcoholic. I was too short to be an alcoholic. I was too. I could just invent all kinds of reasons. I have crooked eyes. You can't be an alcoholic if you have crooked eye. I don't know. I just invent stuff. Did not want it because alcohol was the only thing that made me feel OK about me. Like it was great hearing John on Thursday and hearing Aaron, I mean Aaron, like he is an alcoholic. I mean, he really, he described alcoholism really well.

And alcohol did for me.

What? And it worked every time. It just linked everything up. And the idea that I would give that up was just like, not even on the table.

So I grew up in California. I grew up in a town called Stockton. And there's nothing really. I mean, there was trauma in, but that's not why I'm alcoholic, OK? But there was stuff. My mom was the alcoholic in the house.

And the only thing about that that's interesting that I brought into recovery was the dialogue between my mom and my father, 'cause my mom would come home and I was a latchkey kid in the 70s. So my mom would come home and she would say she'd cook his food and then she'd say I'm going to the bar with the girls were back in an hour and my dad would have an argument. So you're not going to be back in an hour.

You're never back in an hour. And there'd be a big fight going on. And as a young kid, I would listen and it would kind of scare me. It was always like, So I'd always back up a little bit and then my mom would go

and then about an hour later, two hours later, 3 hours later, my dad would get in the car and go get her and drag her out of the bar. And then they would have a fight. And the only thing I would hear through the wall was my mom didn't love us. My mom was weak.

She had no willpower. And so I brought that dialogue of my dad's opinion of my mom's alcoholism into recovery.

And I resented my mom immensely. I disrespected my mother. I resented my mom. I didn't want nothing to do with her. I thought she was weak. She had no moral fiber. And when I learned, when I started to go through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and, and it pained me. But what I learned was my mom was as powerless as I was and that she believed every time. She believed it in her heart and in her soul that it would be different when she went to that bar

and I judged her and I punished her for that.

And my dad died a year ago. Even to his death, he did not understand alcoholism even though I tried to. I tried to explain it to him so many times. And finally about, I don't know, Ken, I remember Kenny. Ken W is my sponsor. I don't know if you know him from Silverton and Tucson. And Kenny would tell me things like, you know, you need to just let your dad think you got willpower. Like, why? Why? I kept trying to convince him it was God. You know, he believed you guys gave me a lot of willpower. He was so happy for the willpower you gave your son, his son. And even to his

day, he believed that. And you know what? He doesn't have to understand it, he just doesn't. And so nothing really happened except that I was a guy who never fit in. And I always blamed it on being short. I always blamed. I was always the smallest in my class when I grew up in a rough neighborhood. Stockton, CA is not a place. It's a place you want to be from, I guarantee you that. And I always was scrappy. I was one of those scrappy kids and I would fight at the drop of a hat and I never want to fight. I wasn't a fighter, right? I mean, I was like, I'm cursed, really. I wasn't a fighter and I'm not a lover. I mean, what am I,

you know? I mean, it's so not fair, right?

I was. But I would always, I would always like, I remember my brother when I was a young kid, he would put boxing gloves on me in the summertime and he would rope off the grass and he would have me fight neighborhood kids. He was four years old to me. He'd always whisper in my ear like, don't cry and don't leave.

If you cry or you leave, I'm going to kick your butt and say like that you said more things. And so if you would beat me down, I would, I would just like chase you outside and jump on your back. I'm the type of guy who would bite you in the ear, you know, and grab on your leg. And and I and I brought that fight into my recovery. The idea of surrender is just foreign to me.

I ran away from home at the age of 12, stole a boat. My brother was 16. We got we hit a sandbar. They came and got us my first introduction to the juvenile facility and I didn't have to go in. But I mean, it's just introduction to this is where you're headed. My parents at the age of 14 did my first geographical for me.

My brother, my oldest brother who I ran away with, they kicked him out and he went to go live with someone else. And at 14 I was an only child. My dad worked at IBM and they got an opportunity to move to Tucson and they took it. And I know today even they even told me they wanted to Get Me Out of Stockton. They thought that that was the problem.

Where I live is never the problem. Who I am is always the problem. And so my parents did a geographical I moved to Tucson and I remember as a 14 year old kid thinking that's it, I'm going to start anew. I'm going to start fresh new friends. I'm not going to do anything. And within six months, I was doing the same old thing.

And my mom was an alcoholic. And so if I went to keg parties and during high school, I was given the green light to stay there and sleep in my car. And I think that's beautiful.

My mom was like, she'd rather have me passed out in my car parked on the side of the road then driving home drunk.

And so I drank and I drank alcoholically pretty much from the beginning, though I could not see the sideposts. 18/19/80 I moved out of graduated from high school. 1980 I moved out and I moved in with four guys. It was when Aaron was talking. I'm like, that was my story. I mean, there's four of us, but we were all Alcoholics and we destroyed that house and I got kicked out six months later. And that became this whole three-year run. And I was a daily drinker for three years and I was a daily drinker because you know what, I work hard and I deserve to drink. But I would, I would say things like

I had a buddy named Steve who would drink in the morning

and I would always look at Steve and I'd say, yeah, if I ever get like Steve, I may look at my drinking,

but I'm smoking enough weed in the morning to cripple a baby giraffe. But I'm not like,

like I'm not drinking in the morning,

so I'm thinking I'll have a problem. But around 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon, I'm thinking that's all I can think about. In fact, on the way to the liquor store from the job site, just knowing I was going to go to the liquor store, just knowing it, I would get a sense of relief just on the idea that I'm heading there. And the closer I got to the liquor store, the better I felt.

Now I couldn't identify that as alcoholism, but I can tell you that's alcoholism. I mean, just knowing it. Drive up to the drive through liquor store, 216 oz buds in a bag and then a six pack, which was ludicrous because I always went back or I went out that night.

Then I started doing a lot of outside substances. You know, I did a lot, a lot of outside stuff and started dealing drugs. I became a drug dealer and I was addicted to the drugs I was dealing, which is not a recipe for success.

It's just a, it's destined for failure. And I'm really good at telling people what they want to hear. So I started burning drug dealers all over Tucson. I might go to, I'd go to like 5 different guys and say, look, I know you just gave me an ounce, but I got some more common. I fronted this out and I would play this game. And I did that for about a year and a half. And I started, you know, at the age of 21. I was, I was really tired at the age of 21 playing this game. I was constantly in motion

and got to a place one night and if you looked at my life from the outside, you would have thought it was OK. I mean, I had a fiance,

I had a Pinto.

I mean, it didn't. It wasn't running, but I had it.

I lived in a house

as dealing drugs. I thought I was somebody. I'd go to the bars, you know, and I would go to the bars down with University Arizona and I would I would burn frat boys, you know, I would like sell them stuff that wasn't real. And I was playing games and I was getting out of control. But inside I was dying inside. I would you know, I would look in the mirror and just knew I was a fraud. Just know it. I'm a fraud. I don't what's going on. And I was getting so desperate and so like, and I'm not a depressed guy. I'm not one of those guys who's ever really gone into a depression. I've never been a guy. I mean, maybe when I like 13 or 14, when I would listen to songs

like Seasons in the Sun or some crazy, you know, maybe for a little bit. But I'm not full of angst. I've never been that way. I've always been kind of positive. I've always liked my glasses always full, and even when I don't even have a glass, my glass is full. Even when there's not even anything near a glass around me, my glass is full. I've always been able to be positive but this night was different and I got really depressed and I was going to check out.

I was really just going to check out and I took my roommates car and I just cut off a piece of hose and I went out to die. And I

think about this and I talk about this because, you know, at the age of 21, like people come in Alcoholics Anonymous so young today and it's such a gift because at the age of 21, I was done. Like I was done. I was drinking data. I could not control the amount of alcohol I drank. I would start drinking. I would say, I'm only going to go to, you know, the Wildcat house for an hour and I would be there to shut down. You know, I'd be passing out all over the place. I was a train wreck

and I was done this night and I went out to the desert and I started pumping fumes into my car.

And, you know, like my kids are here. If you see me with my kids, like I'm so blessed I didn't have a, my daughter wasn't born until I was 40 years old. Like I never thought that was on the on the card. I didn't think it was on the table. And I'm thinking how close I would be to miss it all if I'd gone through what I was going to go through that night.

And I was writing letters and I and I hadn't had a selfless action or really a selfless thought in at least two or three years. And I started to write a letter to my mom. And this is, I mean, God spoke to me this night. It was real clear. Like, you can't do this to your mother. My mother had buried my brother Chucky died in 1967 of leukemia. He was two years older than me. And I watched what that death did to my family. I watched how my mom buried her pain in a bottle and my dad

buried his pain in work.

I watched how that just ripped us apart and how painful that was. And I kind of knew it, but I knew it really that night. I can't have my mom find me in a car. And when so I came out of the car, I just unplugged it and I and I still, you know, I remember like it was out in the desert. If you're, you know, this is Tucson out in the desert. And it was

like November, so it gets really cold. And I walked all night trying to figure out what I could do to fix my problem. And if you're going to fix a problem, you got to know what the real problem is. And see, I'm really notorious at not really knowing what the real problem is and what the real problem that I could see was. I just didn't have enough money. It wasn't that I was drinking every day, that I was robbing drug dealers. It wasn't that I was, you know, I owed 10s of thousands of dollars to people. Wasn't it wasn't any of that. It was. I just didn't have enough money. If I could just get money,

I was making 7 bucks an hour painting houses. I knew that. I mean, I did the math. It ain't going to work. And so I drove into town and I robbed the bank

and it was plain as that I didn't have a plan. It's not like I, you know, like I love watching copper Robert shows where they plan everything. I wasn't my gig. I had my roommates car for one and I had no gun. I had a note at a pen and I, I did park about block and, and, and this is how it went. I was 5 foot one about 90 lbs. That's a real about what I weighed maybe 95 on a good day.

I was really kind of strung out and I

walked into the bank and I wrote a note and the note said I have a gun because I want and I don't want to cause a commotion. So I waited in line because I think you should just wait in line if you're going to rob a bank. I mean, I don't want anyone knowing I'm robbing it because I think that the lady behind the counter could have definitely tackled me and beat me to a fault. All right?

And I said this, I have a gun.

I have a gun. Give me $50 or I'll kill you. That's what I said.

Whatever.

And it was kind of like, you know, walking up in like, hip and they're like, hey, lady down here. And so

she gave me $50. She slid a $50.00 bill. And then I ran. And I remember, I remember like having this freezer, which we looked at her and I'm sure her eyes were like, you're an idiot.

And I ran and I got to my roommate's car and I drove to 711. I got a 12 pack of Budweiser. And I just, I remember drinking two or three, four real quick. I mean, just, and I just got,

and then I realized I got to do something different. So I went all the way across town and I robbed another bank an hour later and I got arrested. FBI told me, they said, you know, we were doing a bank robbery seminar at that bank when we got the call for the first one you did. And we got out. We closed shot. We went across town. As we're driving across town, you drove and must have crossed paths and robbed the bank we were doing that seminar at.

They were really worried. They had like some mastermind, you know,

I'm sure until they read the note and they're like, OK, come on.

And then I went to work the next day. You know, I remember I went to work and got this guy Dave who was working with, he was an engineering student at University of Arizona. And he really smart guy. And he dropped out and I had brought him right into all the mix of my madness. I mean, I was doing everything with him and I destroyed this guys life. If, if, if, if the first second. I don't think that I have power over other people in the sense of he got sucked right into my madness and I destroyed this man's life

and he asked me the next day, he said. He said they saw it on the news.

You know 17 year old Rob's bank, That's what they call me. They said it was 17. I was insulted.

I was 21. Are you kidding me? I couldn't grow facial hair. I mean, I probably looked 17. So

he asked me, he said because he knew I was hurting financially and I played it off. But I and I'm like, I'm like the actor, man. I'm like, so Jekyll and I'm so different, you know, like I nobody believed it. Nobody. And then about six months later, I just take my boss's van and drive into town and rob another bank during lunch hour. And and I really believe in my mind that that this is just never going to end. Like, whatever, you just need money, Just go get it. How cool is that? You know, like you just go get money. They'll just give it to you. I mean, they don't even ask. They just all got to do is say you got a gun like Boo. And they just like, OK and.

Completely clueless that I was really making the FBI pretty angry and

and anyway to make a really lame story, right? I mean, come on, $50.00 and I got arrested. I got arrested two weeks later and well, here's what happened. This type of guy, just a description of the guys I run with when I came home after the second bakery about two weeks after the third bank robbery and this again, this is 6 months later. So I got three bank robberies in six months. My picture comes out in the paper. I wasn't doing my name. It was just a pitch like 88 crime. If you know this guy, he's wanted for three bankruptcies. And my roommates in there like pot smoking haze had clipped it out and put it on the refrigerator.

I'm assuming they did that before they started smoking weed that night. But they whatever they they clipped it out and I came home from work and I did what I did. I brought my booze, I put in the refrigerator and that picture was there and my knee started to buckle and I composed myself really good

and I just like, I brought it out, I just ripped it down. I said, what's up? What's up with that? And they're like, dude, man, some dude's running around town robbing banks. Looks just like you.

I'm like, all right.

And so I didn't do anything. I didn't run and go on the run to go to Mexico. I'm in Tucson. I'm like really close. I could have. I just didn't think. I didn't think

inability to really see the truth. I was just so blind. I'm so crazy. I can't even believe today when I tell this story, how really insane my life was.

And then I got arrested two weeks later and my dad bailed me out. My mom and dad bailed me out. They got me a lawyer and the lawyer told me the truth. I was going to go to prison for 10 years and and two weeks before I went to trial for that bank robbery, I robbed another bank.

I told you, I'm not a quitter.

I mean, when you're 21 and you think you're going to jail for 10 years, 30 is like ancient. I know there's a bunch of young guys here. 30 is like old like that. You don't think you're going to live past 30 the way I was running my life. So I was just like, yeah, you know what, who cares? Three in the bucket might also just do one more. What's the use? And and that was a I can't even tell you. I didn't have enough time to tell you how. I mean, I did a really good makeup job and I got a dye pack in. It blew up in the parking lot. It was a nightmare bank robbery. But I got away with it on a Friday because I know I'm going to party all weekend.

I know I'm going to get through the weekend before they look at the tapes and do anything. I know that

and Monday they arrested me and I went to prison and I did nothing in prison. Nothing. The better my life. I didn't go to any AAI, didn't go to California, I didn't go to therapy. I didn't do anything in prison but learn how to make wine and make connections. All you know, federal prison like notorious for making connections around the world. And so I just didn't do anything but play the game. And some of that was to save my life. When you're 5 foot one and you weigh 95 lbs and you're going into a federal penitentiary, like you learn to get along and you learn to play the game.

Anybody watch Game of Thrones is my new favorite show. A guy was totally playing a Game of Thrones way back before they even invented it. Man, I was like,

I wasn't like Tyrion. I wasn't that small, but I was still like, I learned.

I have no idea where that came from. I didn't look. I prayed. So don't even judge me. I'm so off the hook. So nothing. I get out and I think I've been up 28 years old. I think I'm just going to, I think I'm just going to start my life over and I'll do nothing. There was no such thing, Tom. I told me this. There's no such thing as a gate conversion. There's no such thing as guys going to, you know, like not drinking or not partying for eight, five years or 10 years, whatever. But truthfully, I wasn't even sober. I was barely sober when I left

this idea that I'll change my life. And I got out and they told me the conditions, here's the conditions, you have to stay on parole. And I violated them all because I'm not alcoholic. So I'm going to drink. I won't do drugs, but I won't drink.

But when I start drinking, I I'm a blackout drinker, man. I don't know what happens when I drink. I go places,

I wake up in places I don't know. So I went back to prison for a year, and the only difference between this last one, So after seven years in prison, the only thing that happened was my mom. And This is why I love Al Anon. My mom was in a bowling league. My mom never really entered Al Anon, but I'm telling you right now, a lady in Al Anon who is on my mom's bowling league told my mom the truth.

She made

my mom's business her business. She told my mom the truth and she said you were killing your boy, stop saving him.

I never know who this woman is but this woman saved my life because my mom wrote me a letter and said you cannot come home. I love you too much to watch you die in my house.

And when I made amends to my mom,

I went into resentment inventory hating my mom and how dare her not pick me up. I'm 20, I'm 28 years old, how dare her not save me, right? I went in inventory that way came out owing her a huge amount of amends when I saw my mistakes, how I realized that I made my mom do that when I saw the truth and I made amends on my mom and she I'm never telling her and this is what she told me and I and I to this day, it's still like when we say we're not regret the past. I got to tell you I'm not there yet with this because I still regret making my mom do this. I still there's still a regret around this

is my mom told me is I made amends to my mom and I was like four or five months sober and I asked her if I told her what I was going to do blonde. I did the whole mends the way Ken had told me to. And then I said, is there anything you want to share? And she said, yeah, I got lots to share.

And I sat down and my mom's a talker. And she during this process told me, she said, you know,

it was harder to write that letter to you than it was to bury your brother Chucky.

And that's not dramatic for my mom. That's like legit in your face truth. Like that's the truth. And I couldn't get, I couldn't understand four months sobriety. I could not wrap my head around that. And I asked her, I said, what do you mean? Like, I don't get that. She said, Brian, when Chucky had cancer, when he got leukemia, we gave him to the doctors and said, you know, fix our boy. Like please fix our boy, but with you.

With you. I'd put the letter in the mailbox

and then I go pull it back and I put the mail. And it wasn't until your father put his hand on my shoulder and said let him go.

And a lie. I brought in Alcoholics Anonymous for a while initially was, you know, once you just get off my back and leave me alone because I'm not hurting anybody but myself.

And so I ended up at this New Beginnings treatment center in downtown Tucson. And I'm not alcoholic. And I got to be there for four months and they tell me I can't drink and I can't use drugs. And I said, so I can do. I can not drink for four months. I cannot do drugs. I have $60 to my name

of 29 years old

but I'm not alcoholic. I have $60.00 in my name. That's it. I got no bank account. No I got the clothes on my back. I'm homeless, live in downtown, an Oracle and Grant right next to the no tell motel. Quality neighborhood.

That's not where I planned on being. I grew up with a pretty decent home, always had things. Now I got nothing the first day out.

I walk out and I end up in a liquor store. The first day I got to go look for a job. From 8:00 to 5:00, I find myself in a liquor store and it's not even really a thought. I mean, sure, there's a little bit of rationalization going in there, like I don't want to be back until 5:00. I haven't had real alcohol in a year. Who are they to say I can't drink? I'm not alcoholic, of course I can drink. Got a bottle of vodka and went across and got in a brown paper bag and went across to the park with all the other winners and started talking about how wrong society was.

Took a few shots and it was magical. It the angst and the just the uncomfortableness, the restless herbal and discontent that was just reaping through my veins. It all went away. It was like the fear of what am I going to do?

Once I start drinking, all that fear goes away. Man. I'm like I got the world even though I'm homeless. I got nothing going on. Once I put some booze in me, man, I'm the master of my universe and I'm all good. And, and I, I drank a few drinks and I shut it down. I did that for three days and the 4th day I didn't want to come back on property without booze because I was when I came back on, it was a lockdown. I would think about alcohol all night. Like why didn't I bring some back? 4th day I brought it back. I got drunk, went to bed at midnight.

They breathalyzed me at 1:00.

My professor came on Monday and instead of sending me to prison, he told me something that was magical. And even to the even to the day, the last day I talked to him, I was about six years sober 'cause I'd call him every year on my anniversary and say, Hey, Tim, because he told me something. He said, I want to sit you down. I remember he called my name over the PA. They said Brian Perkox to the to the front office. I brought my little commissary, you know, my my cosmetic, you know, shampoo and toothpaste. I don't want to do powder. And I have my little bag here. And he says, what's that? And I said, well, you're going to lock me up. You know, this is my stuff. He was once you sit on,

I said OK, he says. Look, I've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for seven years,

and I'm going to tell you something. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm going to give you a break. Like sending you back to prison for another eight months is not going to fix you. You keep thinking you're a drug addict, and you may be, but you, my friend, are an alcoholic.

And I'm going to recommend to the Parole Commission that you go to a A and you have to go every day you're here. And if you miss one meeting, if you get one write up at this halfway house, if you don't do what they ask you to do, I will violate you. And I don't even know why I'm giving you this break, but I'm going to do it. And I don't even know if the parole Commission is going to be OK with it, but I'm going to do it.

And I started to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I started to go to this place called the Northwest Alano Club in Tucson. And I used to take the bus there, which was insulting to a guy of my stature. I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm Shorty pee man, Come on. Are you kidding me? I take the bus, you know, I'm a gangster, you know, like I didn't tell anybody. I only got $50 on the on my bank until my wife found out. Then she's like, you need to start being honest with people. You know, I got on the bus to go to the meetings. And I tell you, I was so afraid to go to a A, but I went to a A,

I had some magical ones where I met Ken, Ken W, my sponsor. I met him in those meetings.

I, I didn't like them because there was, in that meeting there was like 3 different groups of people. There was people who were talking about four steps in a Mens and big book and inventory and God and that stuff. And there's another group in that meeting we're talking about just don't drink and go to meetings and just don't drink, go to meetings and sometimes you go to topless bars. And then there's another guy, another group, and they were talking about therapy and teddy bears and

look,

I'm a the path of least resistance. This looked like work. That's too Foo Foo for me. But these guys going to clubs and, you know, like not drinking, I could do that. I underestimated the power of alcoholism. And so I just underestimated. And so I hung out with these guys. I did nothing for my recovery. I did nothing in Alcoholics and I was, but I went to a lot of meetings. I went to two meetings a day.

I was a meeting maker. I made it to meetings.

What happened is at 9 months I started going insane. I got a job at a treatment center being a jockey, which is like, wow, weird, huh? And don't even like horses. I didn't like horses that much. And I went there and and I was going to two meetings a day. Nine months I went, I started dealing drugs in Alcoholics Anonymous. Don't do that.

It's not a good job for a newcomer.

And then I drank. Two weeks after my year anniversary, I drank

three months 93 from March, from January to March, I mean late December to March, I was drinking every day while working at a treatment. So I was, I was drinking every day and I would get up and I'd say that's it, I'm not going to do it again. And after the second AM eating, I would find myself at a bar. I'd drive back drunk to this treatment center, sneak on property and go in, lock my door.

It was crazy. It was insane. From March 1st to March 6th, I thought about nothing but killing myself because a A didn't work. Or I could rob banks in Phoenix and then go to Vegas and be a poker player.

Now you laugh. But I'm telling you, with that thought in my head, I would have took that one. On March 6 of 93, a guy walked into my trailer, a running partner of mine, an A, a what I call my a, a road dog. Everyone has one. And him and I were running hard together and he pulled my card. He said to me, how long have you been sober?

And I was insulted because it had my year anniversary three months ago. So I'm like, I thought it was a trick question, but deep down I knew he knew people around me were watching me die. And he said what everybody else was saying. He says, look, man, how long you been sober? I'm like, dude, you're at my anniversary. No, how long? And I started to get up because I was going to bow up to him and I started to get up and he got in my face and he's not a violent guy and he's all tattooed up, but he's like a, he's like a Buddhist. I always started as a Buddhist. He's like an angry Buddhist at this moment, you know which I don't know if there is some, but he would definitely he he looked like an angry

got in my face and he said to me,

I love you like a brother. I'm not going to watch you die.

How long you been sober? And I completely surrendered on that day. I don't know why. On March 6, I truly believe there's two major surrenders that have to happen. Surrender to the bottle. And then I have to surrender my will. And on that day, I surrendered both. I just, I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I was scared. And the guy who owned the treatment center, I thought he was going to kick me out. And I was like, where am I going to live? I'm homeless. My parents don't want me. And he called me up. He said you can't work for me. I said, I know that Ted. And he says, but you can be a patient if you'd like

to be. I went from driving the vans to the meetings

to being a client within a day

and I had a choice. I didn't have to do that. I could have left

and I remember my wife's in the room today. I remember sitting on the couch and I wanted, I wanted to run so bad. I wanted, I did not want to sit in the circle and say I'd been drinking

and people held on to me, man, People held onto me. I was. So I would have died. I would have been, I know I would be dead. And I sat through that

scariest thing I ever did. Get real. Be authentic

just to be authentic. I'm a failure. I failed one more time. OK, we love you. Let's go. And I got Ken. I remember I was two days later, March 8th, I got I went to an AM meeting and I asked Ken W to be my sponsor and I knew I needed him. He wasn't a big like out there kind of guy, you know, he was just a common like run-of-the-mill solid member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He was solid and he was spiritual. He was my age. He was 29.

I was about ready to turn 30. I just turned 30. He was born the same year. He had seven years sobriety. I had nothing.