The Primary Purpose group in Oslo, Norway

Best man at my wedding is Matthew,

but I'm Brendan. I'm an alcoholic

on earth. Thank you for asking me to speak tonight and it's good to see a few familiar faces. I was here once or twice before back in 2009. So it's been a while since I've been here and happy to tell you a little bit about who I am and what my experiences as an alcoholic, both as a active alcoholic drinking and also just

physically sober but not doing anything to change, and also a recovered alcoholic. And what is the difference? What did I do to get there? I

forgive me if I take pauses. I haven't spoken in for 30 or so minutes in front of a group of Alcoholics before in some time, and I got sober. In the United States, this is the more customary format, but since I've been in Oslo, it's much more of just the reading from a book and sharing for a few minutes at a time. So I'll try to just give you something worthwhile to listen to for this time together.

This is just my own experience. I'm not an authority on Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous. I'm not the president, thank God,

of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not an expert. This is just my own experience, and a lot of my experience comes from doing it wrong, and I'm trying to cite some very clear examples for you to show you, hopefully what not to do. You don't have to waste years of time and going out in the jungle of active alcoholism to arrive to the same conclusion. If you're here now, you can stay sober now and never ever drink again. Relapse is not a mandatory.

It's not cool, it's not interesting. There's no value there.

Knuckleheads like me sometimes have to relapse and destroy everything and burn it down into the ground before we get the solution. That is, read a little bit today in our Chapter 5 from the Big Book, or maybe embodied by the membership of those to the left and right of you. But you don't have to drink again. There's nothing out there,

you know, I'm an alcoholic, as they describe it in the big book, which means that when I drink, I can't control how much I drink. And I've tried believing I've really put some time and effort into trying to control this thing. And by definition, if I'm trying to control it, it means it's out of control. I've seen another groups of people who drink and they don't seem to have a problem, just stopping if there's a problem.

My wife is a good example. She will drink maybe 3 glasses of wine, Oh my Lord, 3 glasses of wine and not feel good the next day and goes, Oh my God, I'm going to just cut that out. And then six or nine or 12 months will go by until she has another glass of wine, maybe for her birthday or for Christmas or something. That is Chinese to me.

There's other people I grew up with in California, which I I'm from San Francisco, not Los Angeles.

Is that a big deal? Not really. Not really. But I read the SMS saying Brennan from Los Angeles, and no offense to any Angelenos, but it's like saying someone who's from Bergen is from Oslo. It's just, it's not true.

So I'm from San Francisco and I'm, I'm very grateful I was born there.

But I know some people in the Bay Area of California who can drink a lot. And from the outside you might think, well, wow, there, there may be a potential alcoholic and maybe they are. Time will tell,

but when they have a good reason, like they're getting behind on work or their spouse says hey, she really cut that out, or maybe they drink a little bit too much on Friday or Saturday, then they can just stop. And I wish I was in that class. I really wish I had that ability to drink to the edge and then stop when I want to, but I can't.

The truth is, and the truth is often very humbling. It's not pleasant to admit, but the truth is that when I drink, I tend to black out.

I tend to get fired from jobs. I tend to get arrested. I tend to go to psychiatric hospitals where they lock the door and prevent me from leaving when I want to. I tend to spend lots and lots and lots of money on booze, on women, on cars, on plane tickets. I tend to drink and then wake up in a different house

or a different city.

I can't find my phone. I can't find my wallet.

I'll shit in my pants on the subway downtown heading Uptown. I'll puke in my bed and then just roll over because I'm not sober enough to clean it up at that time. I'll deal with it in the morning, which is usually the afternoon when I come to in this stinky, disgusting bed. Now, any one of those things you would think would be like,

that's a problem. But for Alcoholics of my variety, we tend to make do we think, well, that's just the price you pay

for having a nice time. Or well, at least I at least they released me from jail. Well, at least I'm not at that job anymore because they don't know what a great worker they're losing. There's always some excuse, but it's never. Maybe I should look at the drinking like I know I should,

but I can't really fathom a life without the drink because I've been sober every time, every time before I picked up the first drink. So being sober is like, that sucks. Sobriety sucks. And if you're a real alcoholic, you know exactly what I'm talking about. People who get sober and are like, this is great, I love it. Oh my God, look outside. It's sunny, happy, joyous, free, blah blah blah blah. I don't identify with you.

To me, you're not an alcoholic of my type.

Alcoholics a my type. They get sober and like this sucks. When when do I feel better? God damn it, this is not fun and we need something else than just physically staying sober. Our message in Alcohol is Anonymous is not don't drink

or hey, you're an alcoholic, stop it. You know, it's, it's so much more than that. And I need something to replace my whole way of thinking, my whole way of being, my whole way of doing life than just quitting drinking. Quitting drinking is essential, but it's a it's a beginning. It's a start. The Big Book says we think a man is unthinking if he believes that sobriety is enough.

Now, I don't like hearing shit like that because it forces me

to realize how little I'm doing to really go for this thing. Surrender. I don't know about you all, but I'm not a big expert on surrendering. Like 100% in. I'm about compliance. I'll do the bare minimum and then the rest just leave me alone. I don't want to put all my chips in, that's too big of a risk. I'm too scared, I'm too selfish, I'm too much of A egomaniac.

If I put everything in, that means I'm really committed, like I really have to do it. Then I'm a responsible.

I want to have like a backup plan. I want an exit somewhere. I want some kind of excuse not to do the right thing. But a A is like no half measures of LS, nothing like 50% = 0% in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm like, well, why not 50? Why can't we have it be 50 = 50? It's like, well, because it just doesn't,

you know, my father was an alcoholic. Does that make mean alcoholic? No,

does it does it mean I'm more likely to be alcohol an alcoholic? Maybe, but when I get that information about the family tree, it's just a waste of time for me, because for me it's like, why am I an alcoholic? Why was it him? You know, like I become like heck, you pro trying to find out like the answer of like what is the culprit? And I found like, who cares?

Why am I an alcoholic? It's like, well, why not? Why not?

I know people who have both parents who are alcoholic. They don't drink at all. It's just not an issue for them. People who neither of their parents is an alcoholic, they're worse off than I am. They are fucking insane. So it's not about who's your mom or your dad or what they did. Who cares? Let's talk about you. You know, that's what my sponsor's about. He's like, well, that's nice, what about you? Let's talk about what you did, how you lied, how you destroyed everyone and everything in your path.

Like your dad has his own sponsor,

his own recovery. It's none of your business. And that's very humbling because I want to blame someone else. I don't want to be responsible. So I drank, like many Americans, I guess at that time. I was born in 72. You drink when you're like 14. You know, you're not legally allowed to drink, but you find access to booze anyway 'cause you want it. You just feel like it's fun. And for the first seven years, eight years, it was fun. You know, there was no consequences. It was utopia.

You drank, you had a party, you met girls, you played rock'n'roll, you drove all around the Pacific Coast, and it was nice. There was no consequences yet. But when I moved to New York City in 1990, consequences started happening. The, the, the brakes were then released, and I found that I was now drinking more and more and more and having to lie more and more about how much I'm drinking. Which maybe is not a big deal, but it's an early warning sign if you're always

lying about how much you drink. Like, if it's if it's not a problem, just be honest. Yeah, I had three bottles of wine by myself at home last night. Never would say that. Oh, I had a couple drinks, maybe three. It was always this vague. Oh, I can't remember because it's such a no big deal. It was a huge, big deal.

I would drink before going out to a party. I was always the first one there. If there was free booze, I would always close that party down and I'd always find somewhere or someone else to drink more with afterwards. It was just a necessity. It was not

to have fun with other people. It was a twisted act.

I started losing jobs in my early 20s. Again. The arrogance and the ego justified that. Well, they don't know what a genius I am. I just can't be bothered with these little people.

Not that well, maybe it's because you're supposed to open the store at 7:30. You didn't arrive there until 1:00 in the afternoon because you're out until 7:00 in the morning. You know, that kind of behavior was normal. That's it's amazing how quickly that kind of stuff becomes normal.

What we think is really cute and acceptable as an alcoholic,

but I thought Alcoholics Anonymous was for old people like my dad, who and I didn't really get what you did here. I thought it was,

you know, coffee, folded metal chairs and some church basement somewhere where you sit around and talk about the good old days. You know how fun it was when he got to drink. But now, alas,

you can't. That's what I really thought it was. I didn't think anyone actually wanted to be there or that being a sober alcoholic was not about just not drinking. I didn't get that. I didn't think anyone below, you know, 45 years old would ever go to Alcoholics Anonymous meeting until I met someone who was 28 and she was seven years sober. And I went, OK, well, that just challenged my prejudice about what we do here.

So I went to a meeting with her. I went to the Second Ave. Clean and Dry meeting and the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

If any of you have been there, it's like CBGB's. It's like tattoos, leather jackets, guitars like the Ramones, and they're all like under age 30. I'm like, these are Alcoholics who don't drink. I just could not believe that. I thought you were all just putting a very elaborate spectacle on for my benefit. But I would come in and out from time to time because I thought it was very entertaining. I thought the stories were very colorful.

I thought the people were very interesting, but it wasn't for me. It was like a free show, you know, or maybe you give like a dollar, but it wasn't like something I was like participating in. I was just sort of, you know, checking it out

in case I need it.

But then I tried coming back in 96,

you know, I was getting thrown out of my apartment. I had a relationship on the rocks and I was out of money and I couldn't work. So now I'm like, well, I kind of have a motive. I didn't really think it was drinking, though. I just thought I'd need to like, get back on track, you know, it's gotta get, get get my shit together. Let me know. Look at this alcohol thing maybe. But I really think I need this, like therapy. I need to talk about myself and how I feel, you know, and like how awful my life is that none of you really grasp. So I have to tell you how deeply

painful it is forever. And if I talk about it enough, then you'll understand. And then you'll treat me differently when you're around me because that's what I need. I'm not going to change. You have to change because I'm now in the room.

I didn't do any of the steps. I didn't get a sponsor, but I talked about it a lot because I read it on the banners and I heard how it works the beginning of each meeting. So I thought I was a real authority, you know, on like analyzing it like an English teacher. I could just circle a word and then that word and talk about it, you know, really in depth. And that lasted for about four years. And my life did get better. I got back to work. I got a new relationship. I was making more money. Now I'm like rocking and rolling now. I'm busy now. I don't have time to go to those stupid A a meetings. I mean,

what are they gonna tell me? Don't drink. Got it. Got it. I don't need you know. I know that

believe in a higher power. No,

it's all suggestions. I don't have to, right? It's all suggestions. It's just like optional, all this getting better stuff. So I'm just not going to do it. But, you know, if I need you, I know where to go. You know, I'm in control now. Thank you very much. See you later. And I was doing my own little thing for about nine months and then someone said, Brendan, would you like a glass of wine? Of course. Sure, why not? Didn't even think about it. There was no like warning bells, even though I've been to about 1300 meetings by that point. It doesn't matter.

Just going to meetings is not a defense against the first drink. Thinking it through is not a defense against the first drink. Knowing how awful scientifically alcohol does to the human body is not enough of a defense against the first drink. Remembering some nice story that someone did on their ten year anniversary three years ago on a Saturday night in the Lower East Side is not a defense against the first drink. Having a phone number in your pocket that you don't use is not a defense against the first rank. All these things that I heard from some people in a a very selectively,

I thought was like my program, and it did absolutely nothing.

Within three months, I was drinking every day. I had a scholarship to go back to school. Lost that.

Got engaged, burned down a house in Connecticut, lost lots of jobs, lots of money, got arrested in a foreign country, which is always exciting.

Was in a psychiatric unit twice. You know, all these nice things that you would think, well, that should like, you know, drive you back to a a no. Are you kidding? It's not like I get to choose when I'm done,

you know? Thankfully, after four years, somehow

on December 29th, 2005, I came back. Was I was that day worse off than any of the other four years? Not really. It was kind of average,

but for some reason, and I don't know why and I don't really care for some reason, when I came to that day after a 5 day Bender beginning in San Francisco with a layover in Vegas and then ending up in New York City, I somehow had this thought. Go to a meeting today and I obeyed that instruction and I haven't had a drink since and I knew when I came back

I couldn't do it. The same old same old. Like I've gone to meetings where I sit in the back, check my phone for messages while the meetings in progress dodge getting a sponsor and never share participate and that's where it got me. Was a four year relapse and I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in that bullshit anymore.

I really want to get better. I want to get on with my life. And I heard people saying, well, it's an arm's length from the next drink. Wrong. That is such hokum. You can either be an arm's length from a drink or 12 steps from a drink. 12 steps is leg to that door. I'd rather it be over there, remove the problem and then get on with the rest of your life. And I got really excited about that because I was broken, like inside broken, like there's nothing

left. And I was terrified that I couldn't even do it. Now that I really wanted to get sober,

Can I do it? Do I have the strength to do it? Do I have the willingness to do it?

Do I have the humility to do it? I don't know. And when I have sponsees that are like that, I'm like, you can do it. If you're not sure, but that honest, I'm sure you're going to be fine. The ones you have to watch out for, the ones that know everything, by the end of their 30 days, it's like, whoa man, slow down, slow down.

So I got an old school sponsor who is all about the Big Book. You know, I'm going to teach you how to do the steps out the Big Book. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is the only book in Alcoholics Anonymous that shows you how to do the steps. So it's kind of important. I learned to get into that book and I heard people talking about it and quoting it, and I did not even realize how appropriate it was to my life. I was like, wow, that's in the Big Book.

That's actually helpful. I thought it was just this boring old fashioned book from the 30s with, you know, old fashioned language.

It's like, no, this is a tool kit to help you live your life without a drink a day to time and then you never have to pick up again ever. Well, I thought it was just like, you never know, like anytime in the future you might drink again. It's like, that's bullshit. Like, do you think that's all we have to offer that kind of roll the dice? Are you serious? What meetings have you been going to? So I had to go to new meetings and meet new people who actually had stuff going on. And it was very intimidating because I'm like, it showed how little I knew.

And I don't like to admit what I don't know. I like to think I know everything. Maybe some of you can identify. I hear laughter and nodding heads. You know, it's like I, but it's like my inability to just say help me, teach me, show me is very scary. It's not something I do very easily. It's a muscle I have to practice all the time. So I got this guy, John F, who could not be more different from me on the outside,

but on the inside we were the same person. And

he took the time for free over coffee at his house on the phone to just show me how this whole thing works. And that kind of stuff is happening all over the world now. Collection on this. People are changing each other's lives. It doesn't make the headlines of any newspaper or blog sites or in our call or anything like that, but it's the most important thing going on

in many ways.

And he showed me how to get involved, to do the steps only as a way to be of better service to other people. It's not about just this constant inventory or debate about what is a higher power, but instead about being more useful to other people, not just in Alcoholics Anonymous, but just in your life. And

it doesn't mean that my life has been perfect,

you know, or always awesome. Like, yay, sober. Please don't get that impression. Sometimes being sober is very, very difficult, at least for me, very challenging. God is not Santa Claus and God is not some errand boy for Brendan's master plan.

Life is very mysterious so I can do things half assed and things can work out.

Wow. But things I can do everything right and a total disaster.

Life can be very unfair.

Life could be very painful. And at least how my sponsor describes it to me is, well, when you were drinking, Brendan, you're kind of like -50 like you're subhuman. Like, not even, you know, like you're just a lying, selfish parasite like this disgusting scumbag. But now you're at zero. You're like everyone else. So it's not really any big deal that you went to work on time and did a good job. That's what you're supposed to do.

Or if you are honest with your spouse, that's what you're supposed to do. If you help someone who is in need, that's what you're supposed to do. Like I thought like, well, where's my reward? It's like, the reward is that you get to do it, period. But that also means now you get to be fired from jobs or promoted from jobs. You get to be married or divorced. You get to go into debt or pay off your debts. I mean, now you're in life. It's not like you have some kind of guarantee where? Well, now I'm sober. Life's working for me, baby. Oh yeah,

that's not how it works. But no matter what those up and downs are, what those ups and downs are, I can handle it without drinking. That's the difference. And that's huge. Like when I was out there,

someone could like, bumps, a stranger could bump into me on a subway on the East Side of Manhattan and that would like catalyze me towards a Bender for 10 hours and that would lose my job the following day. Now it's like I've gone through so many horrible things that I never thought, how am I going to get through that? But you just get through it a day at a time. It's amazing. And other people are doing it as well. It might be family issues, it might be health issues, it might be financial issues. These are all things that we can learn from each other

in the body of the Fellowship about how to get through life sober. The book is great about getting you there, but the Fellowship is also important to show you the day-to-day stuff. The meeting before the meeting, the meeting after the meeting, talking to people between meetings, all that is really important stuff rather than just quoting pages 58 to 60.

I'm married, my wife is Norwegian, we have a beautiful daughter

and, and we're going through the process of this highly bureaucratic, slow, frustrating at times immigration department in Norway. It's extremely annoying. I won't bore you with the details during this time. If you're really interested, I'd be happy to tell you afterwards if you want, but it's it's a real practice in, it's really not

in my power to do anything more than the tiny thing that I can do. It's just how it is. If you're married to a Norwegian, it's not an automatic residency if you have a daughter, it's not automatic residency. If you've worked here before, pay taxes here, employed Norwegians, none of that makes a God damn difference to the immigration department. So it's really like, you know, but it doesn't mean I get to drink, doesn't mean I get to be a jerk off when I'm in contact with UDI, doesn't mean that I get to lash out. It's just how it is,

except life on life's terms, not unlike my terms. It's just life's terms like that's how it is. If we want to relocate here permanently, these are the hoops we have to we have to jump through and it takes a long time.

I do service at the Wednesday Big Book study group at the Lutheran Church. I helped start it six years ago with four other people. It's still running. It had five guys and then we now have like 15 people

on a regular basis. And it's great, you know, to see this meeting have a life of its own.

I have 3 sponses. Some of them call all the time. And sometimes I have to call them and be like, are you alive? What is happening with you? OK, thanks. But

they they they helped me stay honest because when I'm going through the book with them or I'm giving them some, you know, very interesting a a advice, inevitably whatever they're going through makes me go, God, I that's a great suggestion about do a ten step more often. Well, I should click. I should really do that myself. You know, I mean, I talk about my sponsor and it's like, yeah, that's how it works.

We help, we get a lot of help by helping other people. I always thought I have to feel ready and then I'll help you. That's not how we do it in a a it's like, just get in the car. Well, where are we going? What do you care? Get in the car. Let's just go. I said we're going to the meeting. Well, who's speaking? Who cares? Get go. We're going to meeting. Just do it. We'll do a service commitment. For how long? Who cares? What have you got going on? You got nothing going on on Wednesday night. Just do it, you know, just do it. And then over time, you start to learn why that's such a great thing. Because inevitably in your future,

there's going to come a time when a storm is coming.

It might be a relative gets ill, you get fired from a job, you get into an argument with a loved one. It might, it also might be that you get a raise, you get a promotion, you you arrive. But some point there's going to be a storm. And that's going to really test how strong your design for living really is. Not theory, but like the truth, the real stuff. Now, that could happen tomorrow. That could happen next year. I don't know. None of us know, but we have to be ready

and that's why we do all this stuff now to get ready.

Never know when it's going to happen. Life is messy, it's unpredictable and it's so much more than just the meeting. The meeting is one hour of the 2024. Like what are you doing those other 23 to get ready? I know I don't do enough as I know I could. I always fall short. I always try to do better, but it's tough. You know, it's, it's tough when you have 8 1/2 years sober,

you have a beautiful family, you're, you have a nice home, you have, you know, food on the table, electricity is working fine.

To have that same burn

that I did when it was the first couple weeks.

So for me, like the service commitments, which get me to meetings regularly whether I like it or not. And also Spawn sees that I'm accountable for to some degree because they're going to call. They're going to call when I'm watching that rerun of Law and Order that I think is so important to finish. Like it's really important to pick up the phone. Like just pick up the phone and try to talk with them, listen to what they have to say. I don't know what they're going to say or what they're going to ask, but I have to just be there.

And by doing that, I, I remember what it was like on a more

experiential way. And I'm very, very grateful that I don't have to live like that anymore, that we don't have to live like that anymore. That the problems with my life today are so much more interesting than where's my phone or who are you? Which apartment is this? How, what am I going to tell my boss to get out of this one? Like those are not interesting problems to have today in life, but that that was the nature of my life for about 30 to 33 years.

So,

umm, it's a wonderful program. It's a wonderful opportunity to not be limited by the prism of alcoholism, to not be worried about when am I going to drink or I'm going to walk home? Am I going to pass by a liquor store or a bar? Is that going to be a temptation? If you really are practicing these 12 steps with your heart fully, you can go anywhere in the world without having the temptation to drink again.

That's what we offer here. If that's of interest to you, you're in the right place. You know, that's definitely of interest to me. Like the the jokes in a a that's not enough. The slogans. This is not enough. Like walk the talk. OK, How's that going to help me when I'm like, reaching for the Stella Artois? I need something stronger than a slogan. I need a higher power. Now that higher power tends to make people recoil.

Doesn't have to. It could be anything that you understand

that makes sense to you. It makes sense to me in my life. It doesn't have to be your understanding. Like if someone believes in God, Jesus, Buddha, whatever, that's their business. Find something that works for you, a higher power that works for you. Key thing is that it's not you. It's within you. It's a part of you, but it's not, you know, be careful of alcoholism. Like I sponsor myself,

you know, don't do ISM, you know, I sponsor myself. I self me. You know, alcoholism is present. You know, it's not alcohol wasn't it's alcoholism.

So try to find someone else who knows more about staying sober than you do and listen to what they say and then do it. You know, my sponsors, I'll finish with this. My sponsor is a big fan of. How about right now?

Yeah, I really think I should do a four step. Great. How about right now? Oh, you mean after we get off the phone? No, like right now or after we finish lunch? No, right now,

no powerful stuff because like I know in my experience, writing the 4th step probably took about

45 minutes, but I thought about it for like a couple months. You know, the thinking, the worrying, the, I don't know, think about me. I'm working on my four set. No, you're not. You're thinking about your 4th step, Brendan, that's all you're doing. You're stressing about your 4th step, but you're not working on it. You could do it in like an hour. Some people do that. They're like, OK, here's some, here's some pen and paper. I'm going to make a pot of coffee. I'll come back in an hour, see how it's going. And if you don't get it perfectly, no big deal. You're going to do this again anyway. So just like get it out there, like get on with it.

Don't do the 4th step, the four step program. Do all 12 step four and step nine. People tend to like freak out. And it's like just keep it simple. These are tools to help us.

I'm, I'm told I can suggest a topic.

So I guess

what I'd love to hear from all of you is your experience of the difference between the AA program and the AA fellowship.

The two are interrelated, of course, and they're, they're both very helpful. But I think especially for those that might be new to understand the difference between those two, I think is really valuable because I know when I was new, I thought, well, this is it. It's all the same. And then I relapsed and I nearly died with the misunderstanding that this is not it.

This is a part of it, but it's not it. So, and the book is not it. It's part of it, but it's not it. So if you can help us with your sharing, talk about that, great. If you have something else that you need to talk about instead, of course, do whatever you need to do to not drink today. But thank you very much for giving this opportunity to share some of my flaws and my disease and my recovery. And

thank you.