The topic of sponsorship at an Acts of Recovery Conference in Haddonfield, NJ

Red button.

Yeah, OK.

Hi, I'm Robbie. I'm recovered alcoholic.

Hi, guys. I was so glad to get the spot right after lunch. I don't know. That means that you're not antsy for lunch. And if you fall asleep, it might not be my fault. You might be full. We'll see. So I was told that I don't need to be near that You can hear me on this. Can you hear me? That is so cool. You can hear me?

How about now?

That means that to stand here,

okay,

so it's an honor to be here today. I have to tell you that, you know first, and before I get into anything else, I, I really need to try, you know, like Anthony was talking about and thank you to Anthony and to Claire, wherever you guys are. It, it was so good to to be here and, and get to hear your inspiration and, and hope and thank you to the committee who invited me here today. Thank you to you,

all of you, Danny and, and Chris,

it takes a lot of work to put these things on. Like they don't just put themselves on, you know, just like say everybody come out and then, you know, it just magically happens. It takes a lot of service work. And and so it's a pretty cool thing to be involved in and to be a little bit of a, a part of something like this is definitely an honor. And I don't say that lightly. You know, it truly is an honor to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. And,

and Anthony touched on that too. You know, there's no way I can pay you all back

for the things that you've done for me and the ways that you have showed up for me over these years.

God saw its fit to remove me from alcohol on January 7th, 1997. And for that I'm forever grateful. And I'm grateful for a loving God that I brought His grace and mercy upon me and and removed me from alcohol in that day. And then I'm grateful for you guys who brought me to that God and and showed me how to find that and showed me a spiritual experience and, and how to get to that.

I clearly would have no idea. And you know, I have no nothing to do with anything. I got nothing to do with why I'm here.

I certainly didn't come to and January 7th, 1997, I didn't come to and think, well, I'll go to that Alcoholics Anonymous thing or they seem to be having fun in them basements. And

I've never really heard of Alcohol Anonymous. But one time I stumbled in a church basement drunk. I, I don't even remember how it happened. I probably called a, a hotline or something, I don't even know. And I went to this church basement and there was about five guys sitting around

discussing whether or not bumper stickers broke a tradition. And

I am out of my mind. I'm going to kill myself at any given moment. And I don't understand how talking about traditions and bumper stickers is going to save my life. I got to go. And so so that was the only picture I ever had of alcohol exonomous. And thank God, you know, thank God that, that the path and the journey brought me back here and, and brought me to,

to you guys again who showed me that we're having a fun time doing this. We were having a good time. We were not hiding out in church basins. We were showing up and we're having picnics and barbecues and, and

events like this and, and showing up in Unity and, and, you know, running around like Anthony was talking about. And I got sober in cars too. I seem fitting since I lived in them prior.

Seemed about right. Just keep on traveling around in the cars

and I would go somewhere they to get in a car. And so where we going on your business? All right. And I remember one time we showed up at a detox meeting in in in in Philly and they said you're going to go in there and talk to them about how you got well, I'm so I'm so not well, I'm a mess. I feel so part of them. I don't know the driver. I don't feel like I'm connected to you much, but that might get that guy in the wheelchair in the back throwing water. I like him,

I get down with him. I can't talk about anything

and they said just just try. So I'm already stripping down.

Thank you.

SO

I would have nothing to do with how I would arrive here,

how I know that I have nothing to do with it today. I going to talk a little bit about sponsorship this afternoon. Hopefully I'll remember to touch on. That's my topic, right? I get sidetracked sometimes and I'm sure I'm only here to talk in sponsorship to. I know a lot about really, really bad ideas on sponsorship.

I I went through 13 sponsors in my first year. I'm not even kidding. I didn't count them. Somebody else did. And they're like, you got to do something,

change you before you change your sponsor. And I didn't know anything about that. I wanted to be in a relationship because I came in, you guys told me don't change anything, right. So, and I should still be in a relationship. I usually have somebody that has my back. I usually am hooked up with somebody that can carry me through and bless you. And so if I wanted to be a relationship, I, I found a sponsor that was totally cool with being relationships newly sober. And

I, if I wanted to

not do any work, I could find sponsors that would bless you, sponsors that would tell me it's OK, just hang out in the fellowship, right? So we're talking about having a good time in a A and, and we certainly are. And I, I found myself one day similar to what Claire was speaking about and Anthony touched on as well, You know,

I'm in these double digits, as they call it. You know, I don't know what it was maybe ten, 11-12 years old or something like that. And, and, and I feel like I'm dying from untreated alcoholism. And, and I feel like I'm just trying to tread water and, and like I have all these balls in the air and I'm trying to juggle and I'm dropping them and I, it just can't, can't keep up. And I can't quite

put my finger on what's missing.

But I'm having a good time in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm the area director and chair and of, of Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey District. And, and I'm doing, you know, I'm a special committee chair. So I'm putting on picnics and barbecues. I'm sponsoring a ton of girls, sponsoring a ton of girls. And, and I'm taking girls to meetings all day long. And, and I'm hanging out in the fellowship and, and, and The thing is,

I don't have that excuse that I just never heard about the solution. I knew about it,

you know, I knew better. I did. I, I don't, I don't have that story that nobody was talking about it. Everybody was talking about it. The truth will haunt an alcoholic, right? Truth is haunting me. I know the truth about it. I had suffered from untreated alcoholism when I first came in. For quite some time I sat in these chairs and, and, and I held on and, and, and I tried to make it till midnight and, and,

and, and that was only because there was a midnight meeting and that was my favorite place. They were nuts, right?

And I fit in the midnight meeting and, and you know, I had this amazing family, this amazing family, these these parents that love me. I had a mother that loved me to, to, to no end unconditionally. Her only fault she ever had was that she loved me no matter why. And the only thing was that we just didn't know what I was suffering from.

I wouldn't know what I was suffering from until I finally came in here and, and, and shut up long enough to sit down and do this work and, and someone explained what I was suffering from. I didn't know

when I first came in now called song. Somebody told me that if your mom and dad are both non alcoholic then it doesn't run in your genes so you're not. But you can have coffee if you want. And

I thought, all right, I need coffee and a place to sleep and I'll hang out here. So I figured I was probably schizophrenic and multiple personalities. I don't know if anybody can relate to that, but I think that I'm actually not. And if you guys find out that I'm not real alcoholic, I'm actually just completely nuts

and and it probably has schizophrenia that you guys won't let me have the free coffee anymore and let me sleep in your couch and, and give me this unconditional love that Anthony was Speaking of. We found out that it wasn't a real alcoholic. And and because I I thought maybe didn't run in my family. So what happened was,

you know, my mom, she just didn't know what I suffered from and I wouldn't know what I suffered from. My mom tried everything. I don't know if you guys can relate, but you know how we just try different things, right? My mom should, God bless her, she put a big bow on a pony one time and brought me this pony. And so maybe that'll get you off the the, the stuff. You know, I think, I don't think a horse is going to do the trick.

My God, I'm out of my mind and

and I don't know anything about the spiritual malady and I just know that I don't feel OK and I don't know if you get that, but I just don't feel OK. That restless ear won't discontent that the book talks about. It's just for me, all I knew. I don't know about a spiritual. How do I just knew that I so didn't feel okay ever. I just felt icky and and and I had so much

self loathing and and that's my my daughter and friend that's late. Hi guys,

for the recording, my daughter has showed up like

now. I love you guys. It's really an honor when when my kids come. Thanks for bringing her. So I don't know what I suffer from and, and I just know I got this case. If I got to go, I just, I can't fit in. I got to go all the time. I just, I can't be here. I can't stand this. I can't be alone and I can't be with you. And, and, and when I, when I put anything into my body and I would start with attention, I would start with sex.

I, I, I would, I would move to, to anything else that worked. And I found alcohol in that and that, that comfort went away. I didn't really, I don't know if I felt OK because anything changes so far. I didn't really give a rat's ass. If you guys can't like me or not, doesn't it matter? The fact that wasn't pretty enough or, or thin enough or smart enough, you know, for, for 7th grade didn't matter to me. I, you know, and, and that's that that self, not ego is everything's. Tell me it's all about me. And, and, and

that was taken away and, and I would learn to chase up for a long time. The deal is that today, this here, this, this here. What we're doing Alcoholics Anonymous, that takes that away. That gives me that sense of comfort. Everything I've ever searched for is right here.

I came in here broken and lost,

suffering from this, this hole that was a size of Texas, this, this just trying to find something to put in it, that spiritual malady. Just trying to find anything I can to put in that hole, make myself be able to come out and play and hook up today.

The book talks about that. That will seek the most sort of the places on earth to find approval and companionship.

And I'll do that today suffering from untreated alcoholism. And I would do that out there. I would find myself living in the streets of Camden and, and, and, and new work in New York City, you know, 131415 years old, just in and out of treatment centers, living on streets with this great family to go home to. And really I just want to find some approval from them out there anywhere I can get. But the problem is I wake up with those four horsemen again and again. I would come too with this bewilderment and how they get here again.

How did this happen,

this frustration? I just can't stop. And, and the book talks about if you're honest for yourself or even a moment, you can tell yourself the truth. And that is that you have no idea why you do it any more than your family knows.

My, my family would look at me and say, she's such a sweet girl, why does she do it? Why don't you just come home? I would have

and, and I'll just go into this briefly, but I was about 15 years old. I go to the hospital, I give birth this little baby girl and she was amazing and she was beautiful. And, and I had no idea like how it would change something fundamentally inside of me. And I would vow that I would spend from that moment on, I was 15 years old and already threw in and out of treatment centers. My mom would, I could hear my mom. I'd overhear her just saying

there's no use, there's nothing left we can do. She's just going to die that way. Let her go to my dad. And then I gave birth to this little girl and I thought, now I have purpose and I have life and, and I have unconditional love and I and I will chase this. I will chase his love of approval and companionship here. And I'll do anything to take care of this little girl. And I would find myself taking her the most sort of places on earth. And that's where alcoholism brings me, right?

And I come in here and I find out that anything I've ever been looking for, you guys have.

And it's that, it's that comfort that I'm just OK here. It's that it's that, you know, that post, that post spiritual experience, that post spiritual awakening, that post set aside a prayer. Where is Claire? You still here?

She's outside,

so it's interesting. Someone came to me, so we'll skip back ahead. So I, I, I go through the steps and, and, and I find a sponsor that tells me the truth. So we talked a lot today about telling the truth and,

and, and I've seen a common denominator in that, in that message that's coming across and, and telling the truth about alcoholism and telling the truth about the solution. And, you know, we're, like I said, we're having a good time doing this thing. It's a, it's a hell of a journey. It's, it's a good time, we're having fun, but we're serious when it comes to getting through this work and, and, and doing what's required. It's required work. You know, it's not a fellowship just to hang out in and maybe do this work or not. It's a fellowship to support the

people that have done the steps that want to come together and support that support one another in this work that we're doing. It's required in order to have a spiritual experience, a spiritual awakening. And, and what happens is, you know, I found somebody that finally told me the truth and God bless her. And, and, and God love all your women out there that are, are telling the truth and showing up and answering your phones and sponsoring new girls and, and, and, and taking them through the work and listening to fist UPS and, and,

and you men that are doing it too.

So that we need good women. We need, you know, strong sponsors, raise strong sponsors and, and, and, and, and we need the women showing up like you guys are doing. And it's beautiful to see you guys doing it and, and, and,

and telling the truth, you know, and not being so concerned with how we feel. So I had this woman come up to me in Northeast Philadelphia at a woman's meeting. And I was a couple years sober and out of my mind and I,

I got enough pregnant and detox, I think, and and that wasn't going so well. And and he had left and there was a big shocker, right? I had went to my mom and I said I'm pregnant with twins and and their father left. She said not the nice man you met in detox.

How did that happen? It seems so nice

when you were throwing up and and he was holding your hair back and nice guy. So

I

so I'm going to meetings and, and I'm crying about that. I'm pregnant again and I'm scared and I am, you know what I mean? I show up here. I'm a scared and frightened little girl. I showed up here angry and miserable and telling you guys often and stealing your coffee and throwing chairs when you talk about God, you know, and, and you guys would do the chanting and the circling up and the thing with the God and, and, and it looked very cold like to me and,

and I wasn't going to be swept into all that, you know, And then, and I remember telling a guy, you're going to take my, my car, my first born child, my checkbook, make me move to that compound in Montana. I know AES got one 'cause you get through the chanting and the praying and he said, Rob, you only got none of that stuff. You don't have a checkbook.

He's talking about checkbook. It's like you don't have a car. You don't even have cuts at your first ward. We we don't have anything

that we want to take from you. They said, in fact, you pretty got you pretty much got nothing that we want. You're pretty much a miserable mess to be around and your energy sucks. We, we put up with you anyway in the hopes that someday you'll do this work. And, and so I just had a resentment there. But so,

So what happens is this so this woman, she she comes up to this meeting and she says

she said shut up.

And, and, and something inside of me, I felt that energy of this is serious. Is I know I'm gonna die. I've taken away you. This is this thing has taken away the only solution I've ever had to this thing called living. I don't do it. Well, I don't like myself very much. That's why I don't like you. And, and I feel so much more hopeless than I did when I walked through these doors

because now I stopped drinking and I still can't stop

Insanity, the the chaos that that deep hit inside of me that just feels like a dark cloud of loneliness and despair. I can't stop that. And I don't drink.

How do you explain that?

And she said, we explained that as alcoholism, it's untraded and it's OK, we have a solution to that. And she said, if you would just shut up, we don't, we don't give a crap about about your pregnancy, your ex, your, your, your, your, your kids that got taken away. We can't help you get them back. She said, I can't help you get your kids back. She said, but if you shut up and do this work and, and, and you sit down with me, I can show you a way to freedom

from all that crap. She said I could show you a way to freedom. She said I could show you away to, to peace.

She said if you do this work that's required, you could have a spiritual awakening and as a result you could go and show other girls and, and, and and, and you could get well and you could live in a place of freedom. She said you could lay your head on the pillow at night with a sense of ease and comfort. She said you could lay your head in the pillow at night and you could just fall asleep just like that, without shame and remorse and guilt and all that going through your head. You could stop contemplating

suicide or killing other people. You could stop or you just be a piece.

I don't know anything about that. But I would have done anything for it, right? I would have done anything just to feel a moment of peace, just to feel OK, just for the icky to go away and that despair and that hopelessness. And that's why we say that we recovered. I recovered from that kind of hopeless state of mind and body. I don't have that today.

That's what I've recovered from today was that hopeless state of mind and body that that I look at that woman like a scared and frightened little girl that I was. And I said just show me. I'll do anything for it.

And she said, OK, there's some work to be done and it's not going to be easy,

she said, but God doesn't make too hard a terms, right? Just sit down, do this work. I'll guide you through it. I'll hold your hand through it. We do this together and you don't have to do it alone. And I've already been through it, right? And that's how we know and we're looking. And if you're new and, and you don't even know how to pick a sponsor, that's how we know. First of all, like Claire, I think had spoken about earlier, if there's an energy that comes off as somebody that that's that's walking in the sunlight of the spirit, there's a light that shines in them. There's a peace to them.

There's some serenity. There's a place where there's a space where there's no chaos and drama and, and they're not gossiping about other people and you just like to be in their space. Just share your space with me. I like being in your space. There's a lot of us that, that have that. There's a lot of people in this room tonight that, that, that I just want to share space with you because your energy feels good to me. And I know that that comes from the, the fact that you're walking hand in hand with God

and you're, you're, you're, you're falling. You're, you're seeking a God that I'm seeking.

And we may not, we may not

always get it right. You know, I don't always get it right. And I know that for sure. And, and, and I and I talk to God, talk to God this morning on my knees as I do when I wake up on my knees

humbling myself before God. Please show me light the past, show me the way. And I don't know that I'm doing your will. I'm seeking it. And I don't know that I'm doing it, but I know it pleases you that I ask

and, and I seek that God and then I hang out with people that seek that God and, and, and, and my sponsor and, and, and whoever takes me through this work and I'm working with is that person that's also one, it's kind of important that's also done the work.

That's, that's a good requirement and,

and, and it's had a spiritual awakening as a result. And then can show me that way through there, you know what I mean? And, and today I believe that in that sponsorship relationship, you know, the only thing I ever need to look at is can this person still take me to places of growth spiritually? It's only thing I used to think, can this person still afford to to to to pay for my cigarettes?

Can this person continue to babysit and give me rides?

They're starting to not give me enough.

And today I know that the truth is, and I've changed sponsors, you know, throughout the years,

but typically not, you know, my, my sponsor today tells me the truth and, and, and even more importantly, he knows the truth in me. He knows when I'm lying. And that's what I need is somebody that I can be accountable to. So we talk about sponsorship. To me, what that looks like is somebody that I've given spiritual permission to tell me the truth

no matter what. And we have a spiritual partnership where he can tell me the truth

and I'm required to tell him the truth

and whatever that truth is, it's OK. And, and because I've given him permission to tell me that and, and, and how I, and just talk to me about how I'm showing up today

and, and, and get me current and keep me current with this work. And that's what he does. And, and I'm not here to debate the men with men and women with women. My sponsor is a male and, and, and that's OK. That's my experience. That's what that's, this is working for me. It has been working for a very long time. And I don't know that I'd recommend it to the, the newcomer. I, I, I, I went to him with 10 years over and, and I didn't need to. I keep a really, really, really strong network of

guided, God directed, God inspired women in my back pocket. I have a network of women that are absolutely amazing and I can talk to them about anything that's that needs to go to a female with but my sponsors.

He's that one person that that can see the truth through me and, and, and I've given permission to and, and that's what I need today. And, you know, and today we have the sponsorship family and, and you know, and again, I'm not here to be controversial. I don't know much about this whole, you know, let's not be friends with their sponsors or I don't want to sponsor be my friend or, you know, vice versa. And, and that might work for whoever from my experience is, it's just

I can't listen to a woman's fist up and sit down and have the most intimate conversation she's ever had in her life

and ask her to open up her heart and to tell me the truth and to sit there and invite God in and,

and to have that experience with another woman and then say, I'm not your friend.

It's just not my experience,

you know, and my sponsor today, he put my hand in God's hand and, and, and now it's between me and God to work it out, you know, and, and, and, and I'm, I'm and, and, and we walk shoulder to shoulder, all of us together. And a sponsor that guides me, that's God directed and God guided, but at the same time, he's put my hand in God's hand. And now it's my turn to go help you women. And that's it.

But if I have something that I need him to go there with me, he'll hold my hand and go there with me because it's my friend too. That's how come he can know me so well. I've had

my relationships with my sons. These are the most closest, most intimate relationships I've ever had. I've never known anything like that. I came in here when I came in here when I was telling you about that day, I called 411.

I came to in a hotel room be in and battered and naked and I couldn't remember the last thing I could remember and naked. I went to a phone somewhere and I found and I called Formula One and I said, I'm I've been out longer than I usually had because I've been shaking really bad. The convulsion start and I, I typically will go into seizures next and I know the drill and I'm in bad shape and I've been out a while and I have nothing. I need a drink in me. And so I found a phone and I called the operator. I called 411 and I said I think I'm dying,

See, because I had nobody. I had no phone numbers, she said. We just give phone numbers here. Is there somebody's phone number you want? I said no, I don't know anyone. I just need help. I think I'm going to die,

so I go to that from coming here with no friends. You see, what happened was I find myself alone and that's not what makes me alcoholic. And, and, and, and God blesses all. God's grace is with us. Whether that's the kind of poem you had or not doesn't matter.

It doesn't make you have to hit a bomb like that. Like when I talk about that, I need to always, you know, just put out there as well that you don't have to get to that place. It's this place in, in internally and here. It's a spiritual holiday. It's that whole, it's that, that pit, it's that, that, that common thing that we all share, which is that hopelessness and that despair and, and, and, and then we share this surrender,

this bottom. It takes us to a moment of surrender. And that's that place that we share a moment of surrender, that time that in the depths of her soul, we surrendered. It's surrendered and gave up. And that's what we, we share that brings us on this journey together.

And, and, and we all have that in common. We know what we're talking about. And if you don't know what we're talking about, if you don't know what I'm talking about with that, that's OK. Just get with someone, you know, if you don't know what that's like to to have that kind of despair and then and then get to a place of surrender

and it's OK. Just tell somebody the truth about that. You know, that's why we're here. I know that's why I'm here

actually recover your awesome and this is so cool and and and I love these things and it's always an honor to come do these things, but I'm just here showing off to see if anybody needs to talk about that

needs if anybody needs to talk about the way their feelings over if somebody needs to talk about. I don't know what that moment of surrender really looks like. I haven't been there,

or it was. I've fallen so far away from that. I need help,

you know, and that's why most of people here today, you know, had a spiritual awakening or here because

if you're suffering, we're here to say just tell us about that. It's OK, Let's tell us about it.

You know, when I came in, they told me a lot about faking until you make it. And, and

I've seen a lot of people die that way.

And for a long time I pretended like I was doing really good because it's they said it was OK to just fake it.

I buried a man I dearly loved with all my heart a few years back and was just pretending like he was OK, not telling me the truth.

We bury our friends when we're faking it. It's about telling us another alcoholic the truth and that something happens in that magic of when two people come together for the purpose of recovery,

just telling another person the truth of where we're at. And, and I know for me, that's the truth today. And and so

and I know that that was God that day that I called for one. I didn't know anyone. I came to alone,

having nothing left to go to and, and nothing but God and I, I got on my knees and I said, God, please don't let me die.

And they brought me to you guys. And here we are, you know, and that's how come I know I did do nothing with it. And, and, and so we talk about sponsorship and we talk about my sponsors. And I tell you that I came here with no friends, no family to speak of. And, and, and, and I have the most amazing relationships in my life today. And, and, and you know, like in the Native American world, they, they talk about this, the definition of spirituality, being right with yourself, God and others,

right. So we get right with ourself, God and others and we stay right. And that's we stay right on that 10/11/12 and staying on that beam. And that beam is love and, and, and, and, but we have to be right with ourselves, God and others.

It's about our relationships today. And it's about how we show up for each other and, and in service, unity and recovery and, and, and, and so those girls that that I work with, I went to a wedding two weekends ago and, and I watched a girl that I've watched for 10 years can't get a day. I've watched her for 10 years in and out and out. She just can't get a day

and

2-7 years ago we went down to the church and watched her get married, you know, celebrating a few years now and her husband and little baby and they got married and and I stood there and watched that. And those are the honors that I have today. That's how come I still don't say let me let me listen to your fist at the biggest honor I could possibly have in this deal and then not sit stand with you at your weddings and stand with you in your court dates

stand with you when you have your babies. I I had another girl and I'll just talk about this briefly because it came to me and whatever flows on to me. So I had another sponsee that

had a similar experience as me as far as getting pregnant in early sobriety and stuff like that. And I went with her to the hospital to give birth to her baby three years ago. Last week is three years. We went to the hospital, knows her birthing coach, and I held her hand while she gave birth to the baby. That's the miracle. Those of us, the stuff we're doing doesn't have much to do with this hour or two that we're in here typically just talking this talk. It's all good. It's about how I'm moving my feet out there, though. It's about how I'm showing up for my girls. It's about how I'm answering the phone. It's about am I answering the phone when

calling? Am I taking the time? My sponsor tells me

the service work is only counts when it's inconvenient. If you're excited about it doesn't count. It must be inconvenient and

for it to count. But

and he tells me, are you spiritually mature enough to to do the service work without being found out? Do you need to tell anybody? Do I need to say no? I'm sorry, I can't make it. I'm doing step work.

Or can I just say I'm busy tonight? Do I need to be found out? Do I need people to know I sponsor a ton of girls

does that is that necessary and my spiritually mature enough to just show up

and help whoever is in front of me and I and I believe that that's what lights are past. That's my experience. My belief is and and what what God has shown me is that I don't have to figure anything out. The big book tells us it's already been figured out and the big big book also tells us you don't have to figure anything out. It's already been figured out for you. All you have to do is trust and rely upon the spirit of the universe.

That's it. That's all you have to do. Show up and rely upon the spirit of the universe to figure it all out. All you got to do is show up and do my work,

perform my work and perform it well. And, and that's my experience is that I don't need to find my path in what way that's going to take me. I need to light the path for the New Girl and that will guide my own path, wherever it's to be, It will be to where I can be of use on this and helpfulness. And, and I'll rest on my loyals, right? And my sponsor talks to me about all the time and I talk to my girls about it. And, and, and that just means that that I will

take stock in my, in my,

my past accomplishments.

I'll depend on past accomplishments to keep me well today. And we talk about needing to seek a new experience and, and, you know, and arrest my laurels. And, you know, just last week was that we were at the diner and I was like, I got this text, like, I have to go to do stuff, work and, and friends like, Oh, you don't have to go home. Like I don't have to go, 'cause I had a really long day, 'cause we were golfing in the rain and everything, the rain and the golfing, like, what am I talking about? When do I get to a place where I was golfing in the rain? I'm too tired to

park right like it's about not resting on that loyal that pass I've done I you know, I don't need to do it. I've come. So no, it's about showing up. No matter for me. I have to be responsible and being accountable and I have to be accountable to another human being and have to be accountable to God and and I get that there's there's no human aid in that. That's why I rely and depend upon the spirit of the universe is God that that guides me and directs me and I look for balance like the rest of you. I think we struggle with this balance thing and, and do I have too many

Swansea's and and then doing too much a A and service worker and not enough and always trying to find that balance. In my experiences. I can't find that. That's like saying I can be God and, and and figure all that out. I can't find a balance. What's that even look like?

The balance that I find

consists of a lot of Netflix and some someday home time. I could leave it up to me. I can't, I can't tell you what I think balance looks like. Just, you know, just like I can't tell. I can't tell you that I don't know what that looks like. I know that that I go to God in prayer and and meditation and I ask him to show me who he wants me to help and how I can be of service and how it can be helpful. And from there

it just goes. And I ate like a hot butter, hot knife through butter. I just go with it from there. And sometimes he piles tons of people for me to work with in my life. And, and there are usually times that I'm single and unemployed. I have tons of time and, and I don't go seek and that just comes to me in those periods And, and that balance keeps us that we're just dancing with God here, just dancing along, you know, and, and just walking shoulder to shoulder. I didn't even look at the time. Can one of you guys tell me when I'm getting close in time?

I think that was a guess.

3:30 What time do I go till?

OK, thank you. So, yeah, I don't know what that looks like. I just have to trust in that, that power of the universe. So what happens for me is this woman told me the truth and we're jumping back to that. But this woman, it's my, my, my first, we'll call real sponsor that took me through this work. She told me the truth and and she took me through this work. And I had a spiritual weakening and and as a result, I was out there helping people and doing tons of really cool stuff. And I was living out in California and we were hooking up

with, with, with a, a out there. We're doing some pretty neat stuff out there and having a good time. And I moved back here and, and, and, and I'm back in my old Home group that I, I, I got sober in and having a good time and, and, and I'm lost in it. I'm lost in it. And I don't know what to do and I don't want to tell anybody and

but I knew this is back to what I was talking about the very beginning. I knew a solution. I knew what God that was loving and full of grace and and that if I seek him, he will show me the way again. I know about that.

I just got a case of the Busy's and I figured if I was doing the doing the service work, that's where they told me the winners were. If I was hanging out with the winners doing service work and, and and and and making meetings and doing all that. And I know today that nothing, nothing

can treat my alcoholism except for a power and a source of I choose a call God. There's nothing else that can treat my alcoholism. I love the fellowship of a a it's not going to treat my I just can't use it to treat my alcoholism with

and I'm hanging out and and and I finally, I finally felt that

that thing creep up inside that just said

it's that the way my alcoholism comes at me today. It doesn't say, why don't you get loaded and live in a corporate box again? It'll be a good time. Doesn't say that to me. It says probably not even alcoholic,

probably don't even need this yet. Sober 23. Come on, you're just partying.