The Absecon Speaker Group in Absecon, NJ

Speakers, Bobby, everybody,

thank you.

I

make sure this is on.

I think we're good. You might want to check it. Hi guys, I'm robbing an alcoholic, recovered alcoholic and I

thank Annie for opening that up and keeping it real simple for us. And it's an honor to share this, this event with, with Annie and with all of you guys and with Chris and, and the, and the team here. So I, I do want to start with thank you guys. I know it's it, it takes a lot to start a new meeting and find a church and get through all that and, you know, get people out here. And you also, you know, obviously did an awesome job and got a lot of people out here tonight. And

I'm excited about this new meeting. I know it's whenever there's a new meeting, I'll call it's anonymous. It's exciting, but definitely, definitely a little pocket of enthusiasm here, which is awesome. And

I don't know what else we're going to talk about. I guess we'll wing it. I wish I could get 5 minutes and, and sit down, let you guys talk. You guys are stuck with me for an hour. So we'll see how this goes. I always say I don't know. We're going to talk about, let me talk about the same thing every time, but try to leave it to the, the sphere of the universe and, and God and just ask him to whatever he sees fit to, to have me share with you,

to just have that come out to remove me from the room and remove me from, and my ego, you know, from the whole situation. And, and try to just show up tonight in a spirit of helpfulness and see how I can be of helpfulness to you guys in any way. And, and, and that's just by sharing with you what you guys have shared to me. It's just my turn to, to give it back to you. And, and that's how we go around around and Alcoholics Anonymous.

So we're definitely going to talk a little bit about the malady, the spiritual malady that we call alcoholism

and talk a little bit about how that showed up in my life. In fact, we'll probably talk about how it shows up in my life today and we'll talk about how these steps show up in my life today. And, and hopefully I can bring you a message of hope. I do believe that every meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous is just meant to, to spread a little bit of hope. You know, that's what we're all doing here. We're either here to, to find some hope or we're here to, to share a little bit of hope. And, and so I,

I'm so grateful the Alcoholics Anonymous was here when I came in and, and somebody took the podium and shared some hope with me. And sometimes I think that we don't see how big that is. You know, when we show up in service in a A,

we show up in any way at all. There's all kinds, you know, it's funny, we come in here and we're broken and, and, and then we try to kind of work ourselves up through the ladder in a A, to be a service member and make coffee and, and clean out ashtrays and, and help people park their cars. And that's like the highest level service you can get to an A, A is maybe make some coffee, you know, show up at some business meetings and move chairs and tables around and, and thank God,

you know, if we had some hierarchy thing, it's so funny with this, It's funny how we operate. It's like when I'm out there, first of all, I'm drinking, I'm making up some kind of story that I, that I can drink more than you and I could drink you under the table any day. Then I then the alcoholism gets so bad and, and I'm suffering from this, from this alcoholism. And I start lying. I tell you, I don't drink that much. I really can't drink that much. I just drink a little bit

and then the game is when we get here, then we start talking about we drank more than we really did

because that makes us sound better. You know, I drank way more than you. My sponsor could beat up your sponsor and I I meditate. How long do you meditate? 20 minutes, Me 25. You'll get there. And it's so funny. It's just like we have all this ego that comes into play and

the end of the day, it's about two Alcoholics at a kitchen table, big book open, you know what I mean? That's what it's all about. And, and I'll come out here and do things like this because I owe Alcoholics Anonymous a debt that I, I get chills. I don't know why every time even even comes to my thought, a debt that I could never repay Alcoholics Anonymous. What I owe you guys is so far beyond driving a couple hours. Come out here and talk to you guys. It's just, you know, I wake up every day and I know that there's a debt,

alcohol synonymous, and I need to get back today in any way that I can. And, and if that's from here, from a podium talking to you guys, so be it. But on a good day, it's a kitchen table with the New Girl. You know, that's, that's where I love to be and that's what I I is. And, but it's the love that we share in this room too. It's that energy that we all have. It's the energy that we give to each other. We come into a A and we're broken and, and, and, and

and we're lost

and, and we feel hopeless and that that states of hopelessness of mind and body and spirit. And that's why we talk about being a recovered alcoholic because today have recovered from that state. Today, today I've recovered from that state. I, I was removed from alcohol on January 7th, 1997. And for that I'm forever grateful. Like I said,

I was still in a hopeless state of mind and body for a very long time. Just removed the alcohol. That's it. And and today I know that it's not about just removing the alcohol

today. I understand that this is not about making meetings, not about holding on to my chair till midnight. It's not about just not drinking and come back tomorrow. It's certainly not about faking it. I don't know if you're new and I don't know who's new here, but if you're new and somebody tells you it's OK to just fake it, it just run away from them. You could run away screaming like

but Ron for the hills. This

they told me to fake it when I tell I make it when I first came into it would have killed me if I didn't tell somebody the truth finally would have killed me. I've seen people die I have buried friends and I love to death and that that wanted this bad enough. We talk about well, they don't want it bad enough. That's a bunch of BS2 and I don't want to get on a, on a soapbox about that, but I've I've buried friends that wanted this badly, wanted this so bad they died over. I buried friends that wanted this so bad they

their lives because the insanity of wanting to get sober so badly. And then sanity of the obsession that comes into the physical allergy they can't stay away from and they're jumping off point where you can't see your life with or without it. And they want it so badly they can't stand it. They take their own lives. That's what this disease does.

And so we come in here and and it's not about, it's not about pretending like I got this. It's about being transparent and telling somebody the truth. It's not getting hooked up with the sponsor, somebody that you can tell the truth to. And that's my experience. And when I first came in,

I'll tell you a little bit about what it was like when I first came in. I was, well, no, I won't tell you my age then. You can figure out how old I am now. But I was, I was young and

I was a 7th grade dropout. I had children I didn't have custody of anymore. I had parents and family that want to speak to me. I had jaundice, I had failure to deliver. I was yellow. It was £89. I was the doctor in detox said a couple Advils would probably Take Me Out. I was done. It was my last stop, you know, and,

and I come to

and I've tried everything I can to fill that hole that that malady that we talk about, the hole in the soul that we talk about in AI. It's something that we can all relate to. If we're transparent and honest with ourselves long enough, we can see that the truth is the insanity of it. We don't know why we did it. Well, the truth is we just did it. We were just Alcoholics and, and, and I put alcohol in my body no matter what, under any and all conditions. That's what I do. I don't have a reason or excuse for. I just do it

and, and, and I,

and I can't not do it on my own. I can't not stop. I can't, I, I want to with everything in me, every fiber in me, I want to just not do it anymore. I have to come in here and I have to do a lot of work to just not do what I so desperately already don't want to do. I want to do it, but I do I, I would, I would, I would show up in my mom's house one time. My mom lived out in Washington state, Idaho, Washington border, and I,

I hitchhiked out there. Well, actually I'm not sure. I came to in a bathroom in a truck stop in Montana. So how I got to Montana, I'm not sure, but I, I had talked the rest away from Montana. I came to an arrest stop in Montana 'cause I don't know about you, but I, I just came to in funny places often and from a very young age. And I just figured out from there and, and try to figure out if it had any kind of rhyme or reason. So I come to and there's rest stop in Montana and, and I'm not real sure what I'm doing there. So I asked them the, the guy and he says, I don't know. You've been in the bathroom a long time,

know you're in there. I don't have a purse or wallet or anything with me and any bag or anything. So I figure, well, Montanas close to Washington, that's why my mom lives. I'm probably going there. So head in that direction. And so finally get out to her house and I am beat down to the ground. I this this spiritual malady I know nothing about. I'm certainly don't plan on showing up at my mom's doorstep and saying, hey, listen, ma, here's the thing. I had the spiritual malady.

It's killing me.

We got to find a spiritual solution for this month and that's not my game plan. I don't know anything about a spiritual malady. I just know I am. I'm a mess. I am just not right. I have just not been right for a very long time. I don't know what normal looks like. I don't know what being right looks like. I don't know what comfortable looks like. I don't know anything about it from as long as I can remember. I just don't feel quite right. I just can't fit in with you. I'm just not as pretty as the pretty girls and I'm not as smart as the smart ones and

I'm just don't fit in anywhere. And I have to find something to mask that because God forbid I'm not going to walk around saying, well, I just act a little funny because I feel a little uncomfortable inside, you know, No, I walk around saying screw off a few and and that's that spiritual malady, this mass with anger and and ego and all this stuff. So I'll find anything to fill that void, right. So from from a very young age, I would find,

I would find attention.

Tension would fill the void. I don't know if any of you can relate to that. But even in 3rd grade, if I could just get enough attention to me, if everybody would just look at me and feel OK and, and, and then I would need attention from the opposite sex that would make me feel better. And I it comes to find out that there's not enough attention from the opposite sex to make me feel better. But I would do a hell of a time trying to find enough attention from you

and it could be sex or shoes or whatever it could be. If fork, it doesn't matter. I just need to fill something from the outside. And that's a definition of a spiritual malady,

trying to find something outside of me to fix what's wrong inside of me. Today I know that that is not

my solution. Today I am

clear on the fact that nothing outside of me has to change in order for me to be OK. Nothing has to change for me to be OK. Nobody has to change in order for me to be OK. Doesn't matter what it is, if it's financial insecurities, I don't need finances to make me OK.

Nothing has to change in the outside. I need to have a reliance upon the sphere of the universe. I need to do some footwork to change that but nobody else has to change if it's resentments towards other people, they don't have to change. Bless them. Change me. It's about you don't have to change in order for me to not have a resentment towards you. Something in my spirit has to change. That's why we stay in this 1011 and 12 and and we'll get there jumped ahead, but

it's staying in that spirit of self reflection that we do in 10 and 11

and helping other people turning away from me and into you and 12 that keeps me walking on that, on that beam. And the beam is love. That's all it is. We're just trying to stay in this beam. It's transferring energy of love to one another, which is what we do now call synonymous. We look at it like that or not. That's all we're doing, helping each other out, holding each other's hands. So we're just trying to figure this out together. We may have sponsors and sponsees and stuff like that because we need somebody to be accountable to. We need somebody to be spiritually accountable to.

I need somebody to hold my feet to the fire. I need to hold my own feet to the fire and I need somebody that can look at my inventory and tell me the truth and all that's good and, and we need to have that,

but no reliance upon human aid. It's about being relying upon the the sphere of the universe. And the Big Book tells us that

a full reliance upon the spirit of the universe will solve all of your problems. That means all of them. That means every problem I have can be solved by relying upon the spare of the universe.

That means that when I think that I can control it and manage it and figure it all out, that's when I'm screwed. When I when I let it go, whatever, just whatever. Show me, direct me, God, shine the light, show me the way my path is usually just lit up by you is I help others shine their light and that lights my path. And that today I know is the truth. I know that my truth and my solution is and a God that lives deep down inside of me and and there's nothing I can put into my body or

into this ego or anything else that's going to fix what's wrong. There's just nothing that can do it. I can only meetings won't do it. And we love our meetings and meetings are great and this is great and I and I and I love meetings, alcohols and honest. I love all AAI

was never real snobby when I was out there, so I'm not real snobby in here. I will go to meetings at the at the mission, I'll go to meetings and clubhouses all over the country and I'll I'll go to fancy meetings. It doesn't matter. Love Hall of a a I just love you guys. I love going to meetings.

It's not going to cure my alcoholism. Not going to do a thing for my alcoholism of a spiritual malady in which only a spiritual solution can can fix. That's it. And but I come here so I can find new people to work with. I come here so that we can share experiences together. I come here so we can hook up in unity. I just can't. I just can't use meetings to to to treat my alcoholism. Only God can treat my alcoholism.

That's why full reliance upon God is what the book tells us to do. The book tells us that self centeredness is what's going to kill us.

It doesn't tell us lack of meetings. It doesn't tell us that we have to go to more softball games or more a, a bowling events, all good stuff. I go to all them. I like to plan them. We have a good time. We have barbecues and pull the cues and, and we're dancing and, and, and we're having a good time in a a it's not going to, it's not going to treat my alcoholism that I have to do with God and with these and these 12 steps. I have to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. So there's steps I have to do that

required in order for me to have a spiritual awakening, for order from me to walk in the sunlight of the Spirit and show up today and be able to hook up with you. I have to treat my alcoholism with God

and and I'm grateful that somebody told me that one day and and I'll go back because this is what I do. I start a story and then I jump a hags. I get them on this tangent about it, but I'll go back and tell you that I hitchhiked to my mom's house and in Washington

as I always do that Then afterwards I always get that well, what happened with your mom's house? Why do we care if you went to Montana? I, I forget to finish my stories, but as I'm passionate about the solution part, but sorry, I, I hitchhike from Montana to my mom's house and I get there

and I know that what I'm going to tell her is this time I'll do anything. I'll do anything. Mom, listen, here's the deal. I get it. I am, I'm done. I am done. I will do anything you tell me to do. I will never drink again. And, and I am imagining it, my walk up there, I'm going to get there and I'm going to tell her mom, I'll do anything to not drink again. I promise. Tell me where to go, what to do, what to say. I'll go to one of those places you told me about. It doesn't matter. I'll do anything to not drink anymore

and then she'll give me a sandwich and a shower and a warm bed and she'll tell me I can go ahead and sleep it off and get some rest in the morning. We'll go to one of those places and she'll help me out and we'll get this done. And and I mean it,

and I mean it with all my heart because this time I'm going to tell my mom with all my heart about how I'm never going to drink again. Because I if you hook me up to a lie detector test, I would have passed with flying colors because I meant it. The book, the big book talks about moral convictions galore. I have moral convictions galore. I I want to be a good sister. I want to be a good daughter. I want to be a good mother. I want to be, I want it to be a Good Wife. I had a husband and two children and,

and, and they said to me, one day,

either you stop the drinking or you got to go. So you can't do this to this family anymore. I looked at my husband and I said, can I borrow the car, please? So I clearly got to go. I boss choice and a drink. I lost the power to have choice and drink. And that's a spot that that we get to as Alcoholics. That's where it took me, but we share that same kind of spot. And then we get to a place of surrender. I get to a place of whatever and, and, and it's not a bowing down. It's a it's a

my hands up in the air and I surrender, but my alcoholism takes me to this place. So can I just borrow the car case? I got to go and I and I want to go back. I would just go trying to find myself, whatever that means. That just means that I've lost choice and drink. Then I come in here and what I have to do? I have to tap into some power. I have to tap into some power because I've lost a choice in that in in drinks. So I better tap into something now that they can,

that, that can get me through that. And

so, so I, I was almost going to forget again. So I get to my mom's house, I'm walking up the yard and I can envision being safe and, and protected. And all I've ever wanted was to feel safe and protected.

And I get there and I see my mom. She's doing dishes in the window and there's windows on the whole house. And it's up on this mountain. It's like a Six Mile

dirt Rd. Up to her house and I walk up this dirt road and I get up there and she's doing dishes and she sees me and I walk into the front door and I see her leave the the the, the window to go down to the door. And she gets down to the door and she locked it.

And she would go throughout the house locking every dorm window in the house.

And I'm outside like a maniac just knocking and banging on windows. This Ma, if you let me in, I promise I'll quit. This time

I walked back to town. I find a bar. I, I, I, I don't feed myself into a couple drinks. I use the phone. I call my, the house. My sister answers. I said, just let me in the back door. Just sneak me in, give me a sandwich or something. My sister said. Now Ma says when you're in town, nobody's safe. She said we should be scared because you've showed up again. And she hangs up. That's where my alcoholism takes me. Not my bottom. Has nothing to do with my bottom, but that's where it takes me.

And I would go on from there with no use for other people and. And so my point to that is

I have the conviction to do it. I just can't pull it off. I just can't do it. I just cannot pull that off on my own. I would, I'll skip ahead. I would come to December 6, 1997. I would come to and, and I would typically come to do whatever I have to do to get well. And I would come to in this particular morning. And this is how I know that that me getting sober has nothing to do with me.

Some kind of grand plan for all of us. By the grace of God that we sit here tonight. None of us should be here since my turn to yap away. But none of you guys should be here either. It's a grace of God that we get to say here tonight. We should all be out robbing somebody or

in in jail something we'd be lucky to be alive

and and by the grace of God. I come to in this particular morning, never having any relationship with a higher power, knowing nothing about a God, not ever talking to a God before, never been into a church, never prayed in my life. I come to in the particular morning and I'm sick, I'm shaking. Convulsions of starting seizures will start next. I know the drill. I'm I'm Naked, I'm beat up a little bit. I don't know what to do.

I come to and and I get on my knees and I say, God, please don't let me die like this.

God, please don't let me die. I just don't want to die. Just don't let me die. Just help me.

I know nothing about that didn't come from me. That just came from this place that it was God's grace. And I would call, I would use the the I would find a phone and I would call the 411 to, to the operator to the the Chris says they sell for one every time I ask them, but I would call the operator and, and, and I would ask for help and the operator said, we just give phone numbers here. We don't. We don't really help people like that.

And I would tell her, I don't know anybody. I don't have any friend, I don't know anyone.

I said, I just know I'm dying and, and I just know I need help. And she got me to a hospital and their detox nurse got me out. So she found out where it was and and she was an alcoholic synonymous and and she showed up outside of her work duties, showed up and found me and wrapped me up in a, in a, in a sheet

and took me into a detox. And for the grace of God from that day to this one, I haven't had to put a drink in my body since.

And that's the miracle of it. But the, the true miracle of it is that I can live free from that, that I can live with, with freedom from all that. The miracle of it is not that I haven't put a drink in my body in 16 1/2 years. A miracle of it is that

I'm not fighting a drink. The miracle of is that I can live with joy today that I can. It's about how free I can be today. The miracle is that

a drink doesn't look much more than ketchup to me today. I'm The problem's been removed. I don't have to swear off of it like the book tells me. It's just the problem has been removed

as a result of doing the work that's required to get there and then continuing that work in 10/11/12. So I had a woman one time

that told me the truth about that. She told me the truth and she had the the courage to tell me the truth. And that's why I honor you guys when you have the courage to tell somebody the truth, when you answer your phones for the newcomer, when you show up in the truth. And that's what it's about today. It's about me being able to just be transparent and vulnerable in front of another human being and allow her to have permission to just tell me the truth. And this woman, I didn't give her permission. She just told me the truth. So if you do that, that's OK too. I.

She told me to shut up. She said we're sick and tired. You come to these meetings and whining all the time. For God's sake, just shut up. And I told her she wasn't allowed to say that. That was not allowed in a A. I've been in a A for almost two years and you're not allowed to tell people shut up. And, and you have to let me come and you have to let me have the coffee and somebody has to let me sleep in their couch.

That's the way it's been working for a couple years and it's working so far. So tell me, shut up if you want, but you're an AA so you can let me slip on your couch. And she said that's not how it works anymore. She said we're sick of you sleeping on her couches and we're sick of you borrowing money and whining and crying, complaining and, and she says just shut up. She said we can't help you get your kids back. She said, why don't you tell the truth for once? Nobody took your kids away.

You sold your soul for a drink of alcohol. You sold your soul for the next drink. You gladly gave up your kids for a drink,

she said. You gave up your family for a drink. You gave up your dignity.

You compromised all your morals for a drink

and I was as far removed as I'm ever going to be from alcohol and I was still compromising my morals from untreated alcoholism. I don't know anything about how to fix this, this hole that's inside of me. I still feel uncomfortable. I'm still out of my skin all the time. I'm still so uncomfortable where I'm at

and I want to kill you or myself at any given moment for two years, I'm sitting inside of a A and I want to kill somebody or myself, I'm not sure which. I'm at the jumping off point sober and I think that there's no excuses left for me. You don't. The talk in my head

is you don't even drink anymore and you're a mess. They told me when I came in, just stick with the winners. You'll be fine. None of you guys wear name tags. I would appreciate it. Maybe at this meeting we could start wearing them, but at the time and still a little bit, my pickers kind of broke. I don't know if you guys relate to that, but I didn't really come in with my pickerel. You know, perfect if I could pick the winners. I probably want to have been in homeless in that situation. So I don't know who the winners are. So they tell me they're in service,

just hang out in service commitments. The winners hang out in service in a a So it got into service. They told me that's what to do. And I and I hung out with the winners and those a winners. I didn't drink. It's not true. I am. I was sleeping with the guy who was the head of the service committee and his wife was over there and she was always starting drama with me. And I'm like, no, you don't understand. I don't drink. I got a six month ship. I'm good and I'm a winner today. So are you. We're all good. I'm as far removed from a drink as I'm ever going to be

and I'm out of my mind, causing harm, causing chaos, causing wreckage and sobriety. Out of my mind. No excuse for it anymore because I didn't understand about the spirituality and the spiritual solution. I just thought. So I went to a lot of meetings and hung out in service. Today. I know that's not the truth today. I know that the winners are the ones that show up with a car full of new guys, a car full of new girls. The winners are the ones that quietly are doing step work on a Friday night that we don't even know about.

The ones that I, I surround my space with today are the ones that just feel good to be in their space.

The ones that just feel good to be their smile so pretty like Becky's. And I remember when when Becky's space wasn't so good to be in. And then, and then she comes to light and watching that watching, being able to be

in service

is hands down the highlight of my life, right? I, I'm always looking for that next thrill, that next thing that, that next adrenaline rush, the next high, the next drink. And I come in here and I and I'm broken, I'm lost and I'm constantly searching for my home and someplace to feel comfortable.

And I come in here and I do some work that's required and I have a spiritual awakening and all of a sudden I'm in love with you guys. All of a sudden I'm home. All of a sudden I'm like, oh, I'm home here. I'm so good here. I want to spend Christmas with you guys. And sometimes it's pushing it with you guys, but usually you let me come over and

Annie's let me for Thanksgivings, right. But I come in here and I find my family and I find I find my comfortable spot and and I find out where I'm OK and and and I'm not lost anymore. Everything ever looked for see in that in that morning in that hotel room in South Philly when I came to and I asked God, please don't let me die. See, God was all I had left. I didn't have anything else. And and and an alcoholic like me. I just have to be left with nothing else to to to know that God

all I need is all I got better use them and by the grace of God, it's God's grace that gets us here and and I come here and and and suddenly I I I find myself having these experiences one after the next and they continue the only way that I know and I don't know what what anything except for in 16 years from from that day of of working through these steps until this one. I've never stopped helping new girls. My kids are

or my daughter's with me and, and, and she grew up with just a, a, a steady flow of new girls coming in the house and doing stuff work. That's what we do and she can take over If I got to go do something and you know it. This is how how I know to keep giving it back is the only way that I get to have a new experience with it. I sit down and do a third step prayer with the New Girl. I now have a new experience with the third step.

I sit down and and and do a a fist up with a New Girl

and I start to see that light come back in her eyes. I start to see her lighten up. I start to see a girl that came in just like me

see because we're because we're all the same in that way. We come in with the same brokenness and we have the same kind of hope. And, and I and I see her come in broken and thinking she's different than everybody else, just like I did.

And I start to see her be transparent and get vulnerable and get honest and, and, and do an honest fist step and do the work that's required. It's hard work, but God doesn't make too hard a term. It's not that hard. We just do it doesn't feel comfortable all the time, but we walk through that uncomfortability and and the other side of it is something far more greater than we could imagine. The book talks about

when, when looking back in the times that I put my my life into God's hands, far greater things happen than anything I could have planned. That's my truth. That's my experience.

I, I will shortchange myself all day long when I put my, my life into God's hands, far greater things happen than I could ever imagine. The big book tells me that none is my experience. I sort of change myself. I remember I called my mom up and I said, Ma, I got a job. You want to believe it? I got a job. There's a cash register. They don't, they keep it locked, but they let me near it. And, and they, they give me a paycheck on the books, you know, and I'm going to get one of those bank accounts in my name and,

and, and, and, and a real driver's license. And I got a job and I'm so excited. And she said, I'm so happy for you, Huh? What are you doing? I said, well, I said it's a Taco Bell and, and they let me cut the onions. And she said, OK, well, I hope it gets better, but if that's as good as it ever gets for you, OK. And see, that's what I would have said when I first got sober. Just give me a job cutting onions and and and maybe not be physically sick anymore.

This is what I want out of being sober.

Nothing to do with I didn't know about what it be like to be recovered, to be in recovery, not just sober. I didn't know anything about that. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't even,

I didn't even imagine that I could live in a place,

a piece. The promises that are in the book, that the book talks about these promises.

It's kind of funny talking under Jesus. Can I just say that it's just, I feel like he's looking at me.

So there's these promises in the book and they have nothing to do with outside stuff. They have nothing to do with material belongings. They have nothing to do with with our jobs. They, they have to do with with this. Once you're rocketed into this 4th dimension,

you've had a spiritual awakening and you're, you're, you're living in the sunlight of the spirit.

Once you've entered into that dimension there, it's about for me today. I know that it's about the fact that I can lay my head on the pillow at night and just go to sleep.

For a screwball like me, that's a really big deal for me to not be running around in my head with all the regrets and all the the trying to figure it all out.

God knew what he's doing. He gets me into a program that says, you know, to figure anything out. There's nothing to figure out. The big book says nowhere Figure it out or get somebody to help you figure it out. The big book says it's all been figured out for you. Just trust God

asked to walk in God's will. It tells us that's all that we need to do. It's already been figured out

to be able to live in a place in a space of of kindness, to be able to feel your kindness, to be able to appreciate you, to be able to appreciate your love and what you bring to the table, to be able to honor you, to be able to live in a place of serenity. It says that you'll know. You'll know peace and and serenity.

It says it will be safe and protected. It was one I just didn't even believe. But you'll be safe and protected.

I do anything in the world to feel safe and protected for a moment to feel safe and protected

against a choice in drink. Just feel safe and protected inside these rooms with telling you the truth to feel safe and protective. When I do a fist up when I work and sit down with my sponsor and I tell them the truth about what's going on around this stuff and I, and I'm safe there to, to, to be given a life where

I can provide that for other people. And just

again, to see this, this, this, this light go on in the girls eyes. When we sit down, we do a fist up and I see her broken and she absolutely the highlight of my life, right. The big book says it's the shining part of her life. And that's absolutely my truth today. I, I see girls friend of mine just got married, a girl I've been sponsoring for years. It was broken and and and and just couldn't look you in the eye. And, and, and she was a scared and frightened little girl like I was. And,

and the other day she, she walked down the aisle,

beautiful little Princess getting married and, and the light is on and, and, and those kind of joys. The, the book says it's an experience you must not miss to see people recover the experience you must not miss. It's what keeps me going. It's what it's everything that I have purpose for today. Today I show up in this life and I wake up in the morning and I have a purpose for me that's big enough.

That's all I ever got out of this recovery thing. That's big enough

to be able to show up today in life with purpose, with meeting, to have that joy of living back, to be able to be present and show up today and just be present. To, to, to watch my kids grow up or to sit there and listen to them tell me a story and be able to show up, be present right here, right now. The person in front of me, be the most important person in my life because you're in front of me right now. And to be able to show up without all the noise in the head.

Couple days after my, my first footstep, that noise started to, to, to simmer down a little bit. And I and I had this moment where my kids, the twins were

little and they're playing in this ball pit at McDonald's and, and I was watching him play and I was laughing. And I realized for the first time ever that I was a present, that I was just there, that I was watching my kids playing. I was feeling their joy and I was laughing because they were laughing. I was connecting with another human being. And then I wasn't stuck with me. I was, I was actually showing up and being present today. That's the kind of miracle that it's all about. Nothing to do with how long I haven't drank. The fact that I can show up and be present today.

It's the fact that sometimes, for a little bit, I can get me off of me. I can get ego away from me long enough to care about you.

I can. That's why the book says that self centeredness is what's going to kill us. Doesn't say Jack Daniels or crack cocaine is going to kill as it says self centeredness is what's going to kill us. Because I will obsess about me all day long. And then I'll obsess about what you think about me. And then I'll obsess about what I should do about what you think about me. And then I'll obsess about what you should do with your own life and not worry about mine. And then I'll make a list of what that is you should do with your life. And