Steve L. from Redondo Beach, CA speaking to the 5th Tradition Group of Denver, CO

Steve Lamb alcoholic It's good to be here, it's good to be sober. I I didn't notice an introductions did did they ask if anybody was new? Is anybody in the 1st 30 days

Welcome back. All right.

Well, for Matt and anybody else that just couldn't raise their hand, you are welcome. And Alcoholics Anonymous,

I really want to thank Patrick for inviting me out to share with you. It's an honor and privilege to share anytime an Alcoholics Anonymous and and you all have been great. Got picked up by Topher and Heidi, got taken to the hotel room and then for a special treat, they sent out Stuart and Marcus. And it's a special treat really for me because I think it's always wonderful if the person who's driving me around

has to blow into an alcohol interlock device.

Yeah, not only not only to get started, but periodically as we're rolling.

And I got to tell you, I did ask him, you know, I want to make sure that if if for some reason, you know, Stuart and I aren't watching, you know, and and Stewart just kind of takes a nip in between driving and he blows hot. This thing isn't going to shut off on the freeway or anything, you know? But he assured me that's not how it works.

But I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and if you're new, I want you to know a

it wasn't that way when I got not at all. My experience as it grows on. In fact, I really didn't like Alcoholics Anonymous when I got here.

I got here July 27th, 1996. That's my sobriety date. So I'm the same year as Amy. That was a great talk that Amy gave. I really, really love that talk. And I got here because I got a DUI. Nothing nearly as dramatic as Amy with a wedding gown and the driving, but I drove drunk all the time. And I finally got a DUI and the judge sentenced me to go to six a a meetings in six months.

I thought it was excessive

and I didn't know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous other than that I'd heard this vicious rumor that y'all don't drink an alcoholic synonymous.

I don't want to not drink, so I don't want to go. And I didn't go until I had about 5 weeks left to do 6A a meetings. And just so you understand how this Alcoholics mine works, I'm thinking, Oh my God, that's more than one a week. Who could possibly go to like more than one meeting? I mean, you know, in the greater LA area at the time, there's probably 2025 hundred meetings a week, but I got a busy social calendar. I don't know how I could possibly fit you in again. I'm not going to Vegas like Amy, but I'm, you know, I'm a happening guy. You know, I got things going on and, and so finally I start going

to AAA July 27th, 1996. And this is a beautiful facility. I mean, you have carpeting, you have padded chairs. It's wonderful. But I got sober in Hermosa Beach and I got some sober in the Hermosa Beach Illinois Club, which is now it's kind of upscale a little bit. The painted it white and got some new chairs. But back then it was kind of this

really kind of a poop brown color, not only the floor, but the walls to see everything brown. And then there was these folding metal chairs that were kind of half broken Canada one side. And it was kind of a rough room. And I walked in there July 27th, 1996. And I came in these double doors. They have a coffee bar where you're supposed to go before the meeting. And then after the meeting, you go into the main meeting hall. I'm about 5 minutes late. I walk in

and to my left there's a counter where they have the literature

and some cookies and there's two people up there and they're doing birthdays. And in Southern California, the birthdays all the time and they celebrate them with cakes. And I don't know anything about birthdays. I don't know anything about AAI. Took a look at you. You take a look at me. There's a chair right next to the coffee making machine to my right. It's not supposed to be there. It's supposed to be a trash can there. I sit there,

you know, separate from you, as it's as far from you as I can possibly get.

And there were nice, lovely people in that meeting room that morning that there were some empty seats and they were waving at me and patting the seat. Come on, come on. No, no, it's not going to happen. I'm not moving. You can't make it. And the reality is I'm terrified. But I'm giving you, hey, back off. Look, you don't want any part of this. You just go about your business. You do your thing. And they were. And what was happening was, by way of example, somebody like Marcus has given somebody like Patrick a cake for some ungodly period of time.

But they didn't have a cake that morning. They had an inverted Styrofoam cup. So Marcus is in the back of the room with this inverted Styrofoam cup. He puts a candle on it and he lights this molten inferno of candle wax and Styrofoam. And then he cuts it like it's the Olympic shirt torch, you know? And he and he reverently walks it up the aisle and Patrick is waiting with anticipation. And then you all sing happy birthday off key. By the way, I'm not judging. I'm just saying it was pathetic.

And then Patrick blows this monstrosity out and thinks, Marcus for the cake and I'm new, but that ain't a cake. I mean, it's not even a pastry, you know? And,

and, and so this is, this is getting to be a level of weirdness. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. And then Patrick thanks Marcus. And he starts telling us all things you're not supposed to talk about. You know, we're not, we don't, we don't talk about doing this stuff. And, and he's talking about it and he's talking about recovery and, and people are laughing and I'm not laughing.

I'm not laughing because I am brand spanking new. I have not had a psychic change. I have not had any close to a conversion experience, no spiritual awakening, no spiritual experience. I mean, I'm just pissed off.

And then they start sharing.

And that morning and every morning,

there was a guy named Dick Dolma. She died with 15 years of sobriety. Was a lovely man. He helped a lot of people to include me, but I didn't care for him, anybody else for a long time. And Dick was a retired fire captain. He was totally lit up for a A and he was slightly deaf. So he shared the same way every morning. And they would call on him. And I didn't know because I'm thinking, I'm not going to be here long. You know, I've seen Marcus, I've seen Patrick. This is lame. I'm not going to participate. I don't know about you, but I get tired. I've been busy, so I'm going to take a little nap. I slumped down in that folding metal chair. I crossed my arms. I shut my eyes. I figured it'll be over eventually.

They call on Dick and Dick does what he does every morning. Hi, my name is Dick and I'm an alcoholic.

Now when you're half asleep and way over on the chunky side in a folding metal chair, you're just like flailing all over the place. And I'm grabbing onto the coffee machine and, and people are looking at me like you did, Sir. And they're laughing and they're chuckling. They're saying welcome to Outbox Anonymous. And I'm like you, you know, I mean, I hate you people. Now you're now they're laughing at me.

This place sucks. And you go on tell your sad, pathetic tales. And finally the meeting is over and I get up to leave and I go to leave, but somebody says we're going to say a prayer. OK, I've been to, I can do this no problem. But then the people on my left and right, they grab my hands.

Ooh, you know, I mean this physical contact thing, you know, I mean, I, you know, I, but I, I don't want to make a scene.

So we said a prayer. I don't know if it was the Lord's Prayer,

could have been the Serenity Prayer. We could have some kumbaya. I have no idea what the prayer was, but it was finally over. And I go to let go, you know, catch and release. I'm leaving. But in Southern California, they don't let go. And the next thing I know, my arms are rocking back and forth and I'm in this perverted Daisy chain with about 50 to 70 people and they're all going keep coming back. It works if you work it. And I'm thinking, OK, Boo, Boo. I mean, I, I'm just, you know,

I think I've just gotten into the lower regions of hell. I mean, this is just, I can't,

I, I don't know. I just, I couldn't believe how lame this was. I mean, you don't, you'd exceeded my expectations. I'm walking out the door. Somebody's got a phone list, a meeting directory. Somebody shows me a big book, says here's a big book. It'll save your life. I'm like, I don't think so. I got a complex set of social issues. I mean, it's just a book. And, and frankly, it's not even that big. I mean, a big book is like a coffee table book with pictures and stuff in it, you know, but he's like thrilled about this book. And then somebody else says, do you got a sponsor? I'm like, I don't even watch NASCAR, man.

I'm just I'm beating feet and I'm trying to get out of here. And I got to tell you mad.

I was in that meeting almost every day for three years

and I have no explanation for it other than God's grace. But it didn't feel like it at the time.

It didn't feel like it at the time, and I'm here to tell my story and my experience. I'm not an authority and Alcoholics Anonymous. I wasn't appointed. I wasn't anointed. I'm just the alcoholic telling his experience, just like Amy told her experience

and my experiences. I'm hearing people saying things like, hey, just don't drink and go to meetings. Meetings, meetings, meetings. Meeting makers make it 90 meetings in 90 days. Hey, don't worry about any of that crap. Just go to meetings. So I'm going to meetings, 123 meetings a day. Now, there are people in the rooms that are talking about

sponsorship. They're talking about this thing called the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. They're talking about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the 12 steps contained within the big Book. But I have selective hearing and I'm, you know, I'm physically sober. I don't want to, I don't want to overreact. You know, I don't want to get over sober. I don't want to overdo it. So I choose not to hear that stuff. And what happens to me is I'm getting progressively worse. People are talking about being restored to sanity. I feel like I'm going nuts. I'm going to these meetings

and people are talking, I'm hearing every second or third word and all this white noise is going on. I'm a Jackass at home, I'm a Jackass at work, I'm a Jackass at the meetings. The old timers are telling me, lamb, just sit in the corner. Don't bother anybody. And for God sakes, whatever you do, don't talk to any newcomers. You know, I mean, it was that bad and I couldn't understand what was going on. I now realize I was suffering from untreated alcoholism, or more accurately, you were suffering from my intriguing. And I got to tell you, I've been around long enough to

that there are members of Alcoholics Anonymous. They adhere to the third tradition. They have a desire to stop drinking. They go to meetings. Like I can take an Advil for a headache and they're fine. I'm just telling you that's not my story. That's not my experience. And if you're new, Alcoholics Anonymous is experiential. You're here to have your experience. The steps are a series of spiritual exercises. They're designed to allow each one of us individually to find, develop, and maintain a conscious contact with a God,

or a higher power if you prefer, as Amy said,

of your own personal understanding and experience so that you can live and move and have your being out there. It's that simple.

Because the problem isn't stop and drink. All of us have periodically stopped drinking. The problem is staying stopped,

so I don't know what's going on. I'm out of my mind. I'm a trial lawyer by trade. I go to do some depositions. I'm back in Pittsburgh, PA.

I'm supposed to be there all week. I get done around midweek, Wednesday or Thursday,

and I go back to my hotel room and inside my hotel room I have an honor bar. An honor bar. I'm a newcomer. I have no honor, but they give me this thing they call an honor bar and it's a mini fridge that's packed

everything I want, need. I mean two by two by two by two. It's got bourbon, Scotch, gin, you know, a lot of, a lot of beer domestics imports, no tequila, which kind of pissed me off, but a lot of a lot of good stuff. And I want to drink

and I want to drink. And I, and, and I've been around Alcoholics Anonymous long enough to have heard my story and to get the powerlessness aspect and to realize that to drink is to die. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. Not too much of A wuss. And I'm scared, but I haven't gotten a solution. So I'm looking at the Honor Bar and I want to drink. And I have this feeling the 12 and 12 in chapter 5 calls it anxious apartments. Every alcoholic I've ever worked with talks about this feeling of separation,

that I'm different than you, that you can't possibly understand. Am I the better then or less than every single alcoholic has it and I've got it there. I've got this anxious of partners

and I love the big book. I love the 12:00 and 12:00. We're talking about this earlier, but there's a

there's a series of talks that was given by a guy named Chuck Chamberlain. The old timers know about this. It was put in a book called The New Pair of Glasses. He put it put it forth in 1975 from Palamesa. And it's just one man's experience in Alphonse Anonymous.

But my sponsor had me in addition to the book and the 12:00 and 12:00, I listened to and read that book

and it changed my life. And there's only one drawing in the book. It's a simple drawing. It's a circle.

Chuck draws a circle

and inside it he puts all the people, plants, animals in the universe. Life. Good God, whatever your concept of a higher power is all the people, plants and animals inside the circle of life.

And then to the left, Chuck draws a stick

outside the circle

and he separated by and I'm separated by a thin line that he identifies as ego or conscious separation from God. By the time you get to the 11th step, you're looking for conscious contact. I'm new. I'm pacing back and forth in this hotel room. I'm looking at this honor bar. I have conscious separation and I'm going out of my mind. So I'm trying to distract myself. So I turn on the TV and I'm watching television. I'm going back and forth between religious TV and porno. Religious TV

and porno.

Like you've never done that, Heidi.

I'm not saying it was a good plan. I'm just saying it's all I got. And frankly, it's not working because I'm getting confused as to who's doing what to whom. I'm sorry, but it was, you know, I'm a new guy. And, and finally I opened up the honor bar and I, I drink everything in the honor bar except the alcohol and I drink the soda water. You know, I drink the soda like the sugar soda, then I drink the, the, the diet soda. Then I drink the fizzy water.

Then I drink the flat water. I drink tonic water, tonic water. I mean, it serves no point without gin. It's bitter. It's sour. Your face almost caves in. You can work through it. But unlike tequila, you don't go anywhere but get pissed off, you know? And I'm pacing back and forth, but I don't drink.

And you can call it the dumb luck of the alcoholic. We talked about normality earlier. Normality called it seconds and inches. I believe it's a grace of God. It's that moment,

that moment when I either do or don't do something. And I went downstairs, I got in a car, I went to the airport, flew back home to Los Angeles. I got up the next morning and I'm a newcomer. I developed a plan on the plane and I'm thinking it's a good plan. It's a really good plan. And I've been in the Army for a long time. I was in the Army for about 13 1/2 years. I got out as a lawyer, but I started it when I went through inventory and Airborne school and I went through Ranger School and Special Forces and I spent quite some time

forces and a lot of security clearances. And when a guy in the Army, I had what we call a go back and the go bag is a kit bag. And inside the kit bag I had weapons and demolitions and 13 passports. And these are items that I should have relinquished and turned in in 1993. But I wasn't any close to being sober at that time. And I didn't think about it as stealing. I just thought this could come in handy one day

and today's the day. It's the fall. It's in the fall. I got about 100 days Stark Raven sober and I'm opening this kit bag and I'm not going to I'm not going to go Columbine or anything like that. And I got rid of the weapons in the demo, and I also got rid of the passports, but I need the passports to execute my plan.

My plan is this, that these have different identities and different photographs on it. And I take my blue tourist passport that most people have, and I'm going to fly to British Columbia on my name. It's important to leave the country on my name. Then I'm going to start flipping passports and identities. I'm going to head over to Europe for a couple weeks. I'm going to come back to British Columbia, and two or three weeks after that, I'm going to head down to Costa Rica. I've got some former associates of mine. They're doing some rather interesting marketing and distribution down there.

That's my newcomer plan. Now I have a wife,

I have a daughter. They're not part of the I don't think about them. I'm selfish, I'm self-centered, I'm self seeking and they're not part of the equation. People been talking about doing geographics. I'm thinking I'm just making a career change and they're not involved. They're not involved and it is just not part of the equation. So I lay all this stuff out and I lay out the blue tourist passport and the 13 passports that I should have turned in and those 13 passports are all current. They have not expired. My blue tourist passport has expired.

So I'm just out of my mind because I'm I'm thinking I can't execute this very simple but brilliant plan.

And the reality is this is pre 911. This is 1996. I could have phoned a British Columbia on my driver's license. I didn't even need my passport. But I'm I'm so messed up. My friends from New York called it scuba diche. I just couldn't. I was just

and, and I, I started crying. I'm sitting on the floor and I'm crying. And what I heard looping through my head was one of these sick, pathetic, mean spirited AA sayings that they say in Southern California. I don't know if you do this in Colorado, you look pretty refined. But back there they say if your ass is falling off, put it in a bag, take it to a meeting.

I'm like, I don't even know what that means. I mean, you know, talking like a hefty double wide, you know, I mean, it's a

but apparently has something to do with me going to a meeting. So I go to a meeting and I get there that morning and I'm at a meeting and there's a guy named Jim who became my grand sponsor. I detested this guy

and because all he talked about was the book in the steps. That's all he talked about. And that morning he was talking about sponsorship and he basically said something to the effect that if you don't have a sponsor and you need a sponsor, come see me after the meeting. I'll help you get a sponsor. So I'm thinking naturally people have been talking about, you know, choose wisely. There'll be like an interview process. You know, I'll go talk to him. I'll, because I got a complex set of social issues, right? I go talk to Jim. I say, Jim, I heard you talking about, you know, a sponsor. I've been around about 100 days. I thought it's time for me to get a sponsor. He says, man, you are pathetic. He grabs me. He takes me outside.

He introduces me to my sponsor, Michael. He says, Michael, Steve, Steve, Michael Sponsor Sponsee,

go with God. And he walks away laughing and this is not funny. You know, this is not funny. And I don't know, I don't and and and I'm like, and this is this is this is wrong. I mean, this is just so wrong on every front. I mean, again, I should be able to choose. There should be a selection process. I mean, I don't even know this guy. He's younger than I am and and he's talking. He's all excited because he's got a live one. I know the feeling. He gets out of card and writes his name and his phone number and his address on the card. He says

ask me two questions. Always asks us two questions, guys, I suppose he says, do you have a big book?

Yeah, I got a big and I'm thinking, no, no, no, no, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna be, I'm not gonna, I'm not, I'm not gonna do this. Do you have a big book? Yeah. Do you have a 12 and 12? Yeah, I got a 12 and 12. And I'm thinking this is so not happening. This is not happening. It's not, it's not happening, you know, and I don't know this guy, he's younger than me again, and he's got this lazy wandering eye. It's like drifting off. He won't even focus on me. And, and by the way, it was weird that morning, but when we did sexual inventory and he said we're gonna bring God into it. And then he's looking. I'm like, where is he? You know, 'cause I don't know what he's looking at,

but he says, look,

you're going to need those books. Bring to my house 6:30 Monday night. Everything in my body scream no. But I heard myself say OK,

and if you knew, that was my first step in Alcoholics Anonymous. I always knew I was countless over alcohol. I'm the kind of guy my wife sends me out to get milk and come back three days later,

you know, I meet Topher, things happen. The crazy thing is I come back and I got the milk and I'm like, hey, baby, I got the milk. What's the problem? She knows what the problem is. It's alcoholism,

you know. Amy's husband knows what the problem is, but I don't know. I'm suffering from a delusion.

And I just don't get it.

But my life is unmanageable. I'm always thinking things are going pretty well until that morning when I finally even in the pathetic laneway that I did. I asked Amanda Sponsor

and I met with him every Monday night and I brought my Big Book and I brought my 12:00 and 12:00 and we read the Big Book page by page, word by word, line by line. When we got to a prayer, we said the prayer, We got to a step, we worked the step, and we augmented it with the 12 and 12. In particular in relation to step 6:00 and 7:00, because there's not a lot in the Big Book on that.

And I didn't realize it at the time, but it saved my life.

And if you're new

and you're thinking this doesn't work, my experience with the steps is if you do the steps, the steps will do you. Attitude is optional. I was completely convinced that this wasn't work. I was just desperate enough to suspend my disbelief long enough to take action sufficient to have an experience. And every person that I've known that's known has had the same experience.

So we're working the steps, we're meeting every Monday night. And I want to, I want to talk about some of the steps a little bit more specifically, but particularly for for Matt and maybe somebody else is relatively new. Just to give you an idea. I don't like to spend a lot of time on my drinking, but to give you an idea what my drinking was like towards the end, Again, I'm a trial Lord by trade.

So to prepare for trial and the way I prepared for trial was I drank beer and I shot tequila. That's how I prepared for trial and it was very effective. The beer was kind of like a basic food group. The tequila was an accelerant. And what would happen is I would drink beer and I would shoot tequila and I would kind of get in this meditative trance. And what I would do is I would see the courtroom laid out in front of me and I would see myself picking a jury, making an opening statement, presenting all the evidence, examining witnesses, cross examining witnesses,

making a closing argument. The jury would go back and deliberate. They would come back. They would rule in my favor, all while drinking beer and shooting tequila. I mean, it was magic. Just magic.

The problem with it is somewhere after the jury would come back in my minds eye

I pass out. So what I would do is before I started this process, I would set

345 alarm clocks at three to four minute intervals all around the room because one's not going to wake me up

next morning. Third, fourth, fifth, one goes off. I get up, I'm knocking them all out. I shower, I shave it, put on a suit and tie, go to court. This particular morning that I'm thinking of, I'm in Los Angeles Superior Court. It's the trial court. My client is a guy named Brian, he's out from New York. He's a kind of a high finance guy and it's a civil matter. So it's a commercial case. It's money, somebody else's money. We're picking a jury and the judge tells me and the other lawyer and our clients, you know, I know this is a commercial matter. I know there's a few $1,000,000 involved, but I know you've had some

discussions that have not been fruitful. But you are going to time my courtroom up for three, 5-6, maybe seven weeks. It's just a matter of money. So while the lawyers are picking a jury, I would like the clients to continue talking settlement, especially on the brakes, say OK, no problem. So I'm picking a jury. Around 11:30, Brian tells me he's got a settlement. He's very excited, several $1,000,000 to his favor. The judge puts it on the record and dismisses us. And Brian looks at me and he says, this is great. This is great, man.

You know, I'm really excited. You know, I get to go back to New York. But I, you know,

it feels like we should celebrate. And I know it's early, but you want to have a drink. And I'm like, absolutely. You know, I totally want to have a drink.

OK, fine. So he takes me down to the Grand Avenue Bar. Grand Avenue Bar is kind of a high end bar attached to the Biltmore Hotel, kind of a snazzy bar. Now, I drink beer and chew tequila primarily at home, but the bars that I go to often have sawdust and other things on, and they're not like this kind of bar. So we walk into this kind of bar and Brian has the bartender take a dusty bottle of cognac down from the back of the bar. He puts it on top of the bar and he brings out two large Brandy sniffers and he plunks them down

and he pours the uncorks it and he pours a shot

into each Brandy sniffer.

Now, when you put a shot in a tequila glass, if you're a good bartender, it goes all the way to the top so that I got to lean over and you know, because you don't want to spill any, but you can definitely see the tequila. But when you put an ounce of cognac in a Brandy snifter and you can really hardly see it, you know, it's it's kind of sad and lonely and and you got to look around because it's like they're just kind of hiding in the bottom. You can kind of see the amber look, but it and I'm looking at it and Brian can tell I'm confused. He says you've never,

never had cognac before. Like, no, I've never had cognac before. Now he's buying. I'm not stupid. I'm drinking.

But Brian says, look, there's there's a whole process, there's a protocol, there's a procedure to this. So pay attention, like, OK, I'm game. So you want to take the Brandy snifter and you want to cup it in the base of your hand so that the glass is touching the bottom of your hand. That way the heat from the palm of your hand will go through the glass and it will warm up the cognac and it will release the bouquet of the cognac.

I'm thinking you don't need to do this with tequila, but you know, OK, I mean, apparently this is so I don't know cognac, OK. And then he says,

right temperature. You want to bring it up to your nose. Don't snort it. Don't sniff it. Just allow the vapors to waft into your nostrils so you can appreciate the bouquet.

And I'm thinking like, we're we're gonna drink this stuff, right? You know, I mean, I mean, you know what? And then he says you want to back it down and you want to bring it up to your lips, though. Don't, don't drink it. Don't even sip it. Just allow the cognac to drape across your palate

now. By now, my, my eye is twitching,

my teeth are itching and I'm just kind of rocking back and forth in anticipation, right. And now Brian, he's very sophisticated. He's erudite, you know, he's he gets the Brandy snifter and he shows me, you know, and he does it and it's beautiful. It's beautiful. And he says, OK, lamb, it's your turn. Like my, I love my turn, my turn. I love my turn, my turn, my turn, my turn. And I get it. I twirl it around picking up. How warm does it need to be really? You know, some I'm going to bring it up and I'm going to let it waft and bam, I shoot it just like tequila. It's gone.

You know, he looked at me and I looked at him. I don't know who was more surprised. He says, man, what are you doing? That's like $200.00 a shot. I just reverted to the alcohol anthem. I said, I'm sorry,

can I have another beer? You know what I mean? I, you know, I just, so I start drinking beer and he's doing what he's doing with Kanye and he's a very gracious guy. So after, you know, I've had three or four beers, he says I want to have another drink. After I'm on my 4th or 5th, he says I want to have another drink. Pay attention. He shows me the whole thing again. I go to do the whole thing and I shoot it again.

And then he gives me that look, that look where he realizes that I am constitutionally different than he is,

denying bodily and physically different. He hasn't read the book. He just knows.

He knows. And he says, you know, I'm a

I'm gonna take off. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna come back. And then I'm gonna finish my drink. I'm gonna go back to the hotel. It's about 1:00. So it's 4:00 back in New York. I'm gonna tell them the good news that I'm flying out later tonight. Now this is, he's now an ex client. I'm gonna have some splainin. He goes to the bathroom. I'm drinking my beer and I look over his cognac.

Bam. And I drink that and I go to the bathroom. I come back out, he's arguing with a bartender, you know, 'cause somebody has stolen his cognac. And I remind him that I'm a trial attorney. I start interrogating people in the bar, like Denise. And I mean, look at that face. You know she'd drink it

and but he's not stupid. He's an ex client. He's an ex client and that's how I drink. And if you knew that's my chapter 3. I can't control and enjoy. I just can't not do it. I don't know if it's a smell, the feel, the color, the texture, the anticipation, but when it's game on, it's game on

and game off doesn't occur until go down.

So now we're back and we're meeting every Monday night and we're working the steps and we go through and we do, you know, we read the 1st 4 chapters are devoted almost entirely the 1st 2 steps. You know, I've reviewed this. I, you know, I always knew I was powerless over alcohol. I got that my life is unmanageable. I affirm that with Michael, I mean, I'm sitting here talking to him. If it was manageable, I wouldn't be talking to him. He asked me if I, you know, if I believe that it's possible that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And I said it's possible. I've seen some of you guys. You seem like I don't think it's going to happen,

but I accept that it's possible, he says. OK, well are you willing to turn your well in your life over the care and understanding of God?

I'm like, yeah, that's going to be a problem.

And the reason why it's going to be a problem is because there are Alzheimer's that are telling me, you know, find God, find God. It's all about God. Find God, find God or die. And I'm thinking, you know, I don't not only do I not want to find God, I'm hoping he doesn't find me. You know, I mean, I did some bad stuff and there could be some deep, dark smoking hole with my name on it. And and I don't want any part of that.

And

he took some time with me

and he pointed out and Amy talked about it. You know, it says God over 100 times in the big book. It also says higher power twice, universal line three times, creative intelligence, all metaphors for this essence or being that we're hoping that will each individually get into contact with once we work the steps, if we don't already have it because of some religious background that we may or may not have or spiritual background that we may or may not have. And what he explained to me was

it's a word.

And if I can abandoned my old ideas and understand that the word God no more defines or limits this essence or being that we want you to get into contact with, then the word Topher defines or limits him. It may help you to find him, but you certainly don't know him. You certainly don't understand him

and unless you're Heidi, you really haven't experienced him.

So that helped me a lot and I, but I asked him, I said, how will I know if I've done a third step? He said, well, a good general indicator is if you start writing your 4th step because this is something you're going to do your whole life. I said, OK, so I'm working on this force thing. And I want to tell you there's a lot of guidelines and programs and things that we talked about this tonight, workbooks, but my sponsor had me to do it out of the book. And he pointed out page 65. He said there's three columns there and you'll notice in those three columns they don't even have complete sentences.

And I've heard all these people who are saying that they were right in their life story. They had 233 ring binders. They've been working on their four step for, you know, like a year and 1/2. He told me it should take a few weeks.

And he told me, look, I just want you to write down the resentment. I want you to write down the the people, the institution, the principal

for the 'cause just write down the cost to two words should be sufficient, you know, for the condition or how it affects you. You're talking about self esteem, pocketbook security, ambition, personal relations or sexual relations. You can, you can abbreviate those. You don't have to write the full word and on the 4th column and there isn't a fourth column, but in the book, in six and seven, it says looking back at our list, turning back to our list, we look for mistake, fault and blame

in relation to the cause and the condition. And he stopped me here because I don't know what they do out here in Colorado, but in California, you hear a lot about the 4th column

as my part. That's where we're going to look at your part, My part.

And because he knew some of my story, he said, look, I want to tell you, Lamb, that's a perfectly good shorthand, but I don't want you to think about it that way. And the book never uses the words my part.

What it says is mistake, fault or blame. And the problem potentially with my part is if you're a person, for example, you'll say you're a woman that was raped.

You're raped when you're 35 or 40 years old. Ten years later, you come into Alcohols Anonymous, the facts of your being raped, where you went to the grocery store late at night, you had to park far away. By the time your groceries are done, the lights were dimmed. You went out to the car, somebody attacked you from behind. They pushed you to the ground. They beat you up. They raped you. They took the groceries. You reported it, but they never found them. You don't even know what he looks like. You come in Alcohol's Anonymous, and your sponsor tells you, well, we do a four step,

you know, and we write down our resentments.

You want to stay sober. So she says OK on game. I'm resentful at the rapist, the 'cause he raped me. What does it affect? Everything. Self esteem, pocketbook, ambition, security, personal relations, sexual relations. My life is shot through that. I had to sell the car. I can't go to that grocery store anymore. I'm afraid at night and I'm afraid of men. But other than that, life's going good. OK, 4th column. My part, what they'll do is she'll focus on

the cause. What's my part in the rape? Oh Gee, should I not been there at night? You know, was I?

It doesn't say that. It says mistake, fault or blame as to cause the second column or three condition and you're always going to have a mistake, vulture blame and cause your condition. And I'm like, OK, I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. I'll go with it. So I go write my inventory. I do my resentment inventory. I do my fair inventory, self sexual inventory. I come meet with him. I got my papers. I sit down, I'm going to read my inventory

and I'm going to read to you. The first person on the inventory

goes like this. I'm resentful. At 2 words, my father, the cause 2 words, deserted me. Now Michael was prepared for a long talk. I explained to him, it's not written down, but I explained to him that my father deserted me when I was about four or five. He went to Vietnam. He didn't come back. He didn't die there. He was in the Air Force. He went over there. He flew around with him for a while. He joined an outfit called Air America. He got tied up with the CIA. He met a Thai woman. They got married, I believe, before he divorced my mom. I didn't hear from him for 8/10/12 years.

I'm not sure what, but he deserted me. I've got a stepmom, I've got a half sister who's out of my life for a long time.

OK,

what is the condition? What is it affecting? Everything. Self esteem, pocketbook security, ambition, personal relations, sexual relations. My life is shot through it. You know, what happened to me was I was four or five years old. I love my father and in my mind I, I exposed myself and he abused that. So I can't love anybody. You can't. I have to have a wall of insulation between you and me and me and you

and I. I just can't trust anybody.

That doesn't make for good marital relations, friendly relations or work relations.

OK, mistake, falter, Blaine. All right, the 'cause I don't have any relating to the cost. How about the condition I come in now, Fox Anonymous. I'm 37 years old. By the time I write my inventory, I'm 38.

What's going on? Am I selfish? self-centered, Self seeking? No. Dishonest. No. How about the seven deadly sins? Pride. Greed. Lust. Anger. Glutton the enemy Sloth.

You know, I write down, I write down anger because I was angry for a long time, but really now as I'm writing this, it's just kind of a dull, I hate the SOB type thing, but I want to humor my sponsor. So I write down anger residually