At a Big Book Study Weekend in Adelaide, Australia

I'm Bob, an alcoholic.

I have a friend who says when they speak in a, A, they say I'm here to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

I, I'll tell you a little story before we're going to, I got to, I want to lighten this up because we're getting into a very heavy part of the program.

Step 8:00 and 9:00.

A few years ago

I went to an alcoholic synonymous convention in Mississippi.

Now I don't know if you if you realize this, but we have what we call the Bible Belt in alcohol in the US, right? And the town I was in is about where it buckles

and

the nice people, I mean really and truly nice people. And this couple picks me up at the airport and they're taking me to the hotel where the, where I'm going to be staying for the weekend. And, and there are there what what is known as a

their Southern Southern Baptists. Now there's Baptists, there's Southern Baptist and there's Southern Southern Baptist. Now the Southern Southern Baptist can see the sins of the Southern Baptists and the regular these there's either Southern Southern Baptists. So they take me to the hotel. We get to the hotel and I'm checking in. They're standing there with me. Couple nice couple

and I they were very nice to me and there's a sign on the hotel registration desk that

that says adult X-rated movies available in the rooms

and I could I'm checking it out and I know that this this couple is watching looking at the sign with this angst. So there's a bit of me that's like a people pleaser kind of, you know, I want to miss score points with people, right? So I, I

watching them, looking at the sign, I call the manager. Excuse me, Sir, Sir, Sir,

he says. What's the trouble? I said. I want all of the pornography in my hotel room to be disabled

and he said disabled you sicko. We only have regular pornography in this hotel.

Yep.

So now we're approaching what terrified me the most,

the only really thing that scared me, almost to the point of at times feeling so overwhelmed I wanted to bolt out of Alcoholics Anonymous,

the 8th to 9th step.

And it's odd because I understand intellectually the significance of it. It's just, it's too big.

I, you know, I could listen to you tell your stories about amends and I you know, I thought, yeah, of course if I was you, I could probably make the immense. But you don't understand. I live like an animal on the streets. I mean, I, I stole as a way of life.

I mean, I just every single, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't steal. I I mean, if it was all petty stuff, I was the kind of guy at the, at the pub

that I'd be drinking and I'd run out of money. So when you went to the bathroom, I'd steal your change off the bar and drink your drink and move to a different part of the bar. And I get caught sometimes and it was very embarrassing. Or I, if you, I went down the street and your car was unlocked

and there was something in there to steal, I would just take it. It's not personal. I need the medicine, right? I must doubt. I'm not work. I'm down and out living on the streets. And there's a way of life. I, I, I can't tell you how many hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of packs of cigarettes I'd stolen. I supported my cigarette habit. Basically, I did this thing twice a day at minimum,

or I'd walk into a gas station or a bar or restaurant where they had a cigarette machine

and I'm unruly looking. I have hair down to about here that's kind of messed up in a long unkept beard. I think I fancied myself as ZZ Top tryout or something, I don't know. And, and I and I would, I didn't, I was not the kind of person you wanted in your establishment. And so I'd go up to the cigarette machine and I'd pretend to put change in the machine and then go crazy and bang on them. This machine ripped me until the manager would come out, open the machine up and give me a pack of cigarettes to get rid of me. Now I did that twice a day.

Now I get sober and I go to meetings and people are talking about immense. Remember one guy sitting meeting one time and and a guy said and you have to pay back all the money. I remember sitting there going, are you kidding me?

Oh, I started trying to do the math in my head. All the places I worked where I stole stuff, I not even counting the money that thousands and thousands dollars that my parents and and people at law. I started doing the math and I thought, Oh my God,

if if I got a good job, a good job and I worked for 50 years and used all the money I made, I don't think I could pay it all back. It was, it was overwhelming to me

and I almost bolted.

And I often would sit in meetings and feel like I was the only one that was like that here,

the only one that was overwhelmed because nobody else looked like they were struggling with this stuff like I was. And the fear was on me.

And this has been a condition in Alcoholics Anonymous since the very beginning.

In in a sense A A was actually founded on one man's eighth step

Mother's Day weekend 1935 a guy who was sober five months went to Akron on on his on a on a hope he had been hadn't turned a tap and worked and made a dime for a long time. He was in trouble financially and his wife was who'd been a debutante, came from a very wealthy well off family, was working

in a in a department store for very, very little money, just trying to keep food on the table and keep the lights on.

And he was, he hadn't made any money and he felt guilty and he went there to Akron and

was his big chance, this proxy fight that if he if they if they went the way they'd hoped, that he was going to be set back on his feet financially.

And the wheels came off and it came off so bad that he ended up in this hotel lobby of the Mayflower Hotel. And I've stood in that hotel. I actually chaired a meeting in that hotel lobby not too long ago. It brought tears to my eyes as we read the part of the book where Bill's based in the lobby

and he's all alone. There's no sponsor.

There's no one sober anywhere in the world. There's no one who believes what he believes except him.

There's no book,

there's nobody call, there's no, there's no guidance here. There's nothing.

There's just a belief that came from a spiritual awakening that he had in towns hospital and it's

I want to get off a little sidetrack. Most people think that

that the spiritual awakening that Bill had in the hospitals when he had his white light experience in the in the the wind from a halt, he says. I don't think that's it. Let's see if I can read this

after

After Bill had the epiphany experience the the what was often touted as his spiritual experience in town hospital, something else happened to him that changed the world

a little. Minor thing he talks about in his story

and we are here as a result of it. See people. The reason I believe this is that people for Alcoholics of our type, if you ever read William James, have been having these kind of epiphany experiences for for centuries and drinking again

and something will happen. And here Bill says this is after his spiritual supposed spiritual experience. He said while I lay in the hospital, the thought came

came from where? The thought came that there were thousands of hopeless Alcoholics who might be glad to have what has been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some of them. They, in turn, might work with others.

And an idea was implanted in Bill Wilson, an idea that would change the world. See these epiphany experiences that Alcoholics have their like, They're like hot coals. They're like embers. If you don't fan them by action they never burst into flame.

And Bill got into action the day he got out of towns hospital. The day here's a guy. This is a December 16th 1934. A man checks out of a hospital and starts doing 12 step work.

Most most there's a groups around the country won't let you do that. Oh no, you got to be you're sober. Well, I'm sure glad they didn't tell Bill Wilson that none of us would be here. And he believed he something woke up inside of him and it was a desire almost in one time. Bill referred to it as the magnificent obsession, the desire to help others. And here he is in this Akron

hotel lobby and is the wheels have come off his life

and he's scared and he even he's even thinking about drinking. He's watching and listening to the sounds flowing out of the the cocktail lounge in that hotel lobby. And he's all alone and there's, there's laughter in there. There's none in him

and the he remembered his commitment and instead of going into the bar, he went to a a phone and he started calling people and threw a bizarre set of circumstances when he was just almost out of change. He got to the this Reverend Tungsten knew of a woman named Heber Henrietta Cyberling. And when and he heard the Cyberling name, he kind of cringed a little bit because the cyberlings were were errors to this rubber

tire corporation. They were the people that owned all the big deal that he was there and just lost out on was from a company that was connected with the cyberlinks. And he'd, you know, he had all the all the fear that, you know, maybe they know that what happened about the, the proxy fight. I don't know. And he, not the cyberlings and, but he called Henrietta and Henrietta was,

was amazed because she had this friend who was a,

a washed up proctologist who'd finally came out. Everybody else knew he was a drunk except, but he thought nobody knew. And he finally came out and admitted to everybody was a drunk. And they all prayed for him and, and, and they prayed for help for Doctor Bob Smith. And, and all of a sudden they, Henrietta gets a telephone call and a guy on the other lens says, I'm a Rumhound from New York City. And I, I'm here 'cause I need to talk to another alcoholic. And she thought, Oh my God,

Oh my God.

And she said, wow, I'll call you right back. She calls the Smith residence and her and Ann Built, Doctor Bob's wife, are very close friends. And she says, and our prayers have been answered. There's a guy from New York who's here who can help Bob. I know it. I know God sent him

and and and said, well, that may be the case,

but Bob can't see him right now. He's taking a nap under the dining room table.

You got to love a guy like that, don't you? I mean, I do. I mean, I'm a napper, you know? I don't. I'm a napper. I just drink a nap. I mean, I, Yeah.

So they made arrangements for the next day and

Smitty, Doctor Bob's son, drove them there with with Ann and Bob in the back. And then Bob doesn't want to go. Oh, my God. But he just ruined Mother's Day. I mean, you know, he just was drunk. Oh, he came up with a pot. I love the way they say it. He says a Bob came home on Mother's Day with a potted plant and he was potted as well. And

and he was guilty.

And when you're guilty, you'll deal, you'll buckle under and do stuff you don't do. And he but he Smitty, his son sat and stayed at my house for a week and and just told us the story on several occasions and how you drove his dad And he could hear his dad in the back seat saying to Anne, please don't, don't make me stay in there and listen to that Yankee talk about my drinking more. 15 minutes. That's all I can take. 15 minutes, please. And he meets Doctor Bob meets Bill Wilson and they go into the library. Little, not a very big room.

Cyberlink Gatehouse.

And

it was hours later.

Bob didn't want to come out. Bob had never. Bob had been talked to about his drinking. He'd been prayed over. He'd been, Oh my God, he'd

he'd taken various pledges and swore to himself he'd never drink. And

but he went in there and to his amazement, Bill Wilson never once mentioned Doctor Bob's drinking, never talked about it at all. Bill Wilson had to unload the truth about Bill Wilson's drinking

and Doctor Bob sat there. As some of us have sat in early A meetings,

for the first time in your life, you're starting to make that connection. You're sitting there and you're not in your head.

And it's it's it's a refreshing in in the dank darkness of alcoholism, it is a refreshing light.

And he came out with his arm around Bill and he said to Anne and he said to his son Smitty, he said, this guy knows what he's talking about. And he said, he said, Bill, why don't you come and stay at our house? And Bill didn't have enough money to pay his hotel bill. So I'm sure he said, well, you know, if you insist I

anyone over any stated Ardmore house for street on art, the house on Ardmore St. for several months. And Doctor Bob, they sat there and they talked about spiritual principles and they talked about conversion. They talked about helping others and prayer and meditation. And Bill tried to interject this part about Immense and Bob, I would dig, dig his dug his heels in and he said,

jeez, I'm not, I can't do that, Bill. I'm I'll do everything else. I'm not doing that.

I've already damaged my reputation as a doctor in this community. Let's just let bygones be bygones and I'll do everything else.

And Bob wanted to go to a medical convention, an AMA convention in Atlantic City and went and he didn't even get there. He never did attend the convention. He got so drunk on the train and he stayed drunk. That kind of drunk that I do where you'd pass out, come to drink, pass out, come to drink, pass out, come, you know, and you do that for several days and he doesn't even he's in, in and out of a blackout. He's almost comatose by the time, by the time he gets on

train to come back to Akron. When they get to Akron station, they cannot wake him. He's so out of it. He's almost like an alcoholic coma. And I've been that guy. You can't even wake me up. I'm just so anesthetized by alcohol. The conductor didn't know what to do, so they just carried him and they set him on the platform. The Akron station and station master called his office secretary who came down there as she had come to rescue him on other occasions,

and they eventually got him back to the house on Ardmore St. put him to bed. He was a mess. It was a mess.

It came to very early in the morning on what at one time was believed to be June 10th, 1935. Now historians are starting to think it might have actually been June 17th. But regardless,

he came too sick,

shaken, wanting to jump out of his skin. As I come to after a long round the clock, drunk for many days,

nerves are shot, full of remorse, self loathing

and he says what day is it? And they tell him and he goes Oh my God no it can't. No, I'm scheduled to do a surgery this morning and his hands are shaking like this and he's a mess

and build building on what to do. You can't cancel. No, the guy that's been we've been putting it. Now we have to do this surgery. It's important. It's it's urgent.

So Bill takes him over to to Saint Thomas Hospital and they

or some, we're not sure if it was Saint Thomas Hospital, might have been Akron City Hospital. They took him over to the hospital wherever the surgery was to be and building what to do. So Bill gave him a sedative and and two bottles of beer just to try to calm his nerves enough that he could actually go in there and perform this surgery. Imagine being the patient

laying laying on the Gurney. Here comes your surgeon wreaking a beer with his hands shaking. Oh my God, we should build a statue of that guy somewhere. I mean, you know, jeez,

all it's we don't know what happened to the patient. I know two historians that went and searched the records at Akron City Hospital in Saint Thomas Hospital trying to find more information about this guy so they could track him down and, and, and, or try to find out what happened to him. All it says in the book is that he lived. But no. And we don't know if he whistled when he walked or not. We don't know. And Doctor Bob was a proctologist. So you can just imagine what all kinds of possibility. But the guy lived

and Doctor Bob, it was a quick surgery, evidently just a little

cancer surgery. They had to remove and and he

got out of that surgery Who's done early in the morning still or in the morning

and he disappeared

and Bill and his wife Ann assumed that he went on a drunk as I would have assumed. I mean, you get he had to give the guy a beard to steady his nerves and.

And he never came back that morning or that afternoon. His son told us that it was probably he thought it might have been close to midnight when his dad came home

and he walked into the house and he hadn't been drinking as everyone had feared,

and he looked different.

Something had happened to him and they discovered that he'd been out searching out every person he was afraid to face.

And one man finally became willing to go to any lengths.

You know, there's a, when it says any lengths there, that's what they're referring to. It's twice talked about in the section on step 8-9. It, it's been, it's been misinterpreted over the years. And now you go to some meetings, discussion meetings. You bring up the subject of willing to go to any lengths. You'll, you'll, you'll get the different view of it. Today it's out of treatment centers. Now it starts to look like, well, it means to try not to drink and go to meetings. It was originally meant, are you willing to really,

really do this?

Willing to go out and face all the people, pay the money back or you want to do all of that.

I think, you know, Father Ed Dowling says that he thinks he thinks so. Step 6 separates the men from the boys. And I understand what he's talking about, but I think this one does really, this is where we get to see, are you really willing to go, or is it just fantasy?

Are you willing to really push yourself aside to serve a way of life and a set of principles greater than you?

Tough, tough stuff.

Tough stuff

Doctor Bob did. He never took another drink again the rest of his natural life. He lived another 15 years. In those 15 years, Alcoholics Anonymous was cemented in place. In those 15 years, the estimates are that Doctor Bob personally helped over 5000 Alcoholics, who helped Alcoholics, who helped Alcoholics

and instilled in them the ethic of helping Alcoholics. And I would dare to say that

in some form or other, we are all here indirectly as a result of Doctor Bob Smith in one way or another, as a result of one man's finally willing to walk through the fear.

And, and that was pretty much the situation I was in in 1978. And I had fell into the hands of people who they, they weren't, they weren't big book technicians by any means, but they were very big on immense and they were very big on service. And they were the prayer going to meetings, service and pay the money back. Face the people you don't want to face. And they started encouraging me to do this stuff. And it was.

I didn't want to do it.

I was afraid,

but I did it. And it's OK to be afraid. It's even OK not to want to do it as long as you do it. It doesn't matter as long as you do it. There was a man who died a few years ago, Frank Honeycutt, and Frank was was such an amazing member of AA. He said something that I've carried all ever since. He said that Alcoholics Anonymous is not for those who need it.

And we all kind of get that. I mean, I bet you everybody in this room knows someone who's drinking themselves to death who needs a a, but they're, they're not here.

And Frank said something that was even more interesting. He said it's not even for those who want it.

And I thought about that over the years and I've watched it. That's really true. If you were to come and visit me in Las Vegas, I go to a detox down on Skid Row twice a week and this is the place you'll see the people who had been, who had the nice houses at one time and now they're living on Skid Row. This is the place where the people with the 10 years sober that drink again end up.

And outside the detox, there's this old oak tree. It's it's about maybe 4 feet in diameter. It's a big old tree and it used to have

these big rocks around the base of it that somebody put to make and they were painted white. And it kind of looked nice to have rocks around the, the, the base of the tree.

And men and women would sit and lay against that tree because the the detox is full and there's no beds.

And they would lay there and have seizures and there and go into convulsions and die. And there's been several people who have died. I eventually started calling it the dying tree.

And when when I go to the meetings in the detox and I see someone sitting against a tree, now they've taken the rocks out of there because there was a guy who actually went into convulsion and split his skull up open on the rocks and died.

I'll go and I'll talk to these men and women sometimes and they're very, they're very pathetic and they're shaking and they're coming apart at this seams. Men and women sobbing tears of sincerity tell me how much they want this. And they never get sober because Frank said it's not for those who need it and it's not for those who want it. It's only for those who do it

and they don't do it.

And we're big at that. We're I'm big at. It's the line in the book that says if you want what we have now, if it stopped there would be great because Oh yeah, again, I'll take two. I'll take two yes,

because and then it follows it up and says and are willing to and are willing to go to any lengths to get it. Well, that's not over correct. I mean,

and they're a package. You can't have you can't have what we have unless you do what we do.

But, and you can sit in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous with untreated alcoholism for decades until you eventually drink again or, or get so depressed you have to go to a doctor

or as some people do, commit suicide.

And it's tragic. And the only thing, the only difference between those of us that survive ourselves here and, and, and, and that eventually get free and have some reasonable comfort and happiness, not perfect, but reasonable. I mean, get really a pretty good life is not what we feel or not what we think or not what we. It's only what we do.

It's only the actions that I take. And I am so grateful that it's designed that way because one of my great fears is, is that I was, I had to become good to get this,

and I'm too stained to get it. If that's the case.

All I had to do was do what you do

and I started. They started walking me through the fears of some amends when I was brand new. I hadn't even done a four step yet and they got me making amends.

They had me turn myself into the courts back east and it was a horrifying thing. I, we talked about that yesterday

and, and I tell you, when you join a Home group and you get a sponsor, it's like you're opening the door, you're giving people an, a spiritual consent to butt into your business and you don't even know you're doing it. But let me tell you, they butt into your business. They start asking you questions, uncomfortable questions like so where? Where are your mother and father?

Or the back east? Oh, we talked to him lately. We don't talk at all.

Oh, she haven't made amends to them yet. It's not like that. It's just, I've heard I've done a lot of stuff to them and they won't have anything to do with me. And it's just the way it is.

Oh, so, so I think you should start making amends to your parents. You don't understand. It's too late for that. Maybe a couple years ago, before I sold my, the, the silver, that was my mother, the only thing she had left of her mother before I pawned that. Maybe before I I smashed the chair over the kitchen counter, swinging at my dad's head because he confronted me about something

and and I put that terror in him where he wasn't even comfortable around his. He was scared of his own son.

Maybe before I'd embarrassed him as much as I did.

Maybe then I could have made amends. But it's too late now. They've made it very clear that they're not going to take my phone calls. I'm not welcome in their house. They don't want to have anything to do with me. And you know, the people, they, it's like they nod their head and smile and listen and they didn't hear a word you said they didn't hear anything. That's nice. Well, here's what we want you to do. I just told you there's nothing to do. He said no. We want you to start calling your mother every week.

You don't. You don't understand.

They won't take the calls. And you know what this guy said to me? It blew my mind. He said don't call collect

I

that never would. I would have never occurred to me. I always called my mother collect and they'd always hang up. No, and I'm taking a charger and I called from jail, you know, collect reverse the charges they'd hang up. I remember the first time I ever called my mother and and I paying for the call. She answers the phone and the minute she hears my voice, you can hear the disdain and the fear that the animacy. Just what do you want?

And then then she there's a panic that creeps into her voice and she goes,

oh, you're you're not back in Pennsylvania again, are you? I said, no, mom, I'm in Nevada or you're in Nevada. Well, the operator didn't ask me to pay for the call. I said, no, mom, I paid for the call. Her voice like broke and shot up an Octa. She went. You paid for the call,

but she couldn't believe it.

Isn't that funny? self-centered people like me would that those kind of things never occurred. A little simple things and like never occurred to me, too self-centered

and she did not. It was not a homecoming. She was very one to get off the phone really quickly and people in AI said call her every week,

started calling her every week. They said I want you to send her little notes, little little cards and stuff in the mail. And they tell they were very adamant about this. You must never miss one of their birthdays, their anniversaries, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas. You got to send them a little gift. Well, I don't have any money. You're, you're going to, if you can afford cigarettes, you can afford a gift for your mother

in your father. I remember the first Christmas I'm working minimum wage. It was pathetic. I didn't know what to get him. I got my dad a necktie. I think it was like 6 or $8, some cheap little necktie, nothing neck tie. It was pathetic. I don't want to send this to him. My God, I'm so far behind with my father. If I bought him a brand new Bentley, it wouldn't scratch the surface of how far behind I am with my dad. You know what I'm saying? I mean

by Nick, this pathetic little necktie

people in aid, they don't listen to you. They just won. They're one way. Just wow. Good. That's he'll like that.

Oh, it's like, all right. I sent it to my dad and it lit him up for a moment, and then the wall came back down. Of course it did. Is to get my feelings hurt because they're not opening their arms to me. Listen. Listen to me, with what I put my parents through for all those years, if they would have welcomed me back into their life,

there would have been something wrong with their mental health. I mean, I mean, they shouldn't have welcomed me back. I broke their hearts over and over and over. I mean this. We're not talking once or twice. We're talking years of this

to the point where they physically cut me out of their life. And I found out through my sister that I guess they couldn't completely cut me out of their heart because my mother had to see a therapist and take medication

and my father slept 15 hours a day.

And I did that to them.

They became recluse as hostages in their own home as a result of me. They had once had a tremendous social life. They they were, they had a lot of friends and they would have go to parties and all kinds. And the last several years they just stayed home because they just were worn out answering the questions about me because everybody to ask, I hear your, I hear Rob's in jail. I hear he's in another treatments. They just got tired of it,

and so they became hostages to my bad behavior

and they became recluses, and they lived a lonely, depressing life. And I was the catalyst of all of that.

And I don't think there's an amends that could be made to them. And people in a kept persisting. And after it took a year of weekly actions and sending them gifts and cards in the telephone calls a year and they're still kind of holding me at arms length. But when I was about a year sober, they decided to come out to Las Vegas and eyeball me

because they don't think I'm they think I'm conning them. They're very skeptical about what I'm telling them on the phone and in the cards and stuff.

But they came out not not for a family reunion. They came out with this attitude. Well, we'll go and see. But I, he's probably still a bum who's trying to hustle us, trying to get back into the will, trying to whatever. But you know, even if he is a bum still, we've never been to Las Vegas. It will not be a complete loss. And they flew out to Las Vegas and I met him at the airport. I took him out to dinner with my sponsor and his wife.

His past his wife had passed away many years ago.

And my sponsor said he made a great suggestion. He said, why don't you invite him to your Home group? And my Home group was an amazing group. It was, it met in people's homes and there were some members of the group that were very successful. So these huge houses and there'd be like 60 people in a living room, you know, and, and they, people come an hour before the meeting started, socialized. There was a lot of camaraderie. And, and they had birthday cakes every week. They had a cake and and and

it was great. And in my Home group, I got to take my parents there and they got to watch me and see me with you.

And you know, my sponsor knew this. I didn't know this, that I'm never ever been better than I Wham when I'm with you.

They saw the results of Alcoholics Anonymous in the interaction in my Home group because it was like one of those kind of groups where there was a bunch of old timers and they laughed a lot and they picked on the newer people. I don't know if it is that way in a a where you come from, but it's like, Oh, you know, the newer persons having problems all and they just think it's funnier in hell. Oh, they just, Oh, lost your job, didn't you? Oh, this is going to be good. You're going to help people with that one

gambled away your paycheck. Oh, getting this surrender just beautiful. I mean, just, you know, they'd say crazy things to and

and then they got to see me. I ran with a pack of guys that were all sober within about six months of each other. And we did a lot of service together. We all, we seemed like this pack of guys and all of them stayed sober. Well, all the ones that continued to do it stayed sober. And we'd go to, you know, we go to two meetings a day. We do, we go to the detox, we go looking for newcomers. I mean, we were like Nazi 12 steppers. I mean, we go, you know, we're going to drag people into our Home group, you know, that didn't want to be there

and but they got to see me running with the guys I ran. And then there were new, there was some new guys there. There was actually a guy there that I was trying to sponsor and and I was picking on him and making fun of him because a a functions on the first rule of plumbing. The crap runs downhill, right?

I I remember watching my mother and father in the meeting and and watching them laugh.

It's stuff that we were laughing at

certain things that they they didn't get there were certain.

We have a bizarre kind of humor in AA where we laugh at stuff that normal, some normal people go

you, you peed on the Christmas tree and you think that's funny,

but we think stuff like that's funny, right?

But so some of the stuff, some of the humor they didn't get, but but they got some of it. And I remember watching my mother, there was someone in the meeting

that was very emotionally moved because they just, they just got their kids back.

And I remember my my mother leaned over to my dad, grabbed his hand and said, this is really good.

And I don't know that they ever understood AA, but they felt something here.

Before they left to go back to Pennsylvania, I was instructed to make my list of all the money and stuff I owed my dad and I

was overwhelming

and I was supposed to come up with a payment plan and present it to him for to see if he'd accept it. And it was going to be 12 1/2 years of payments to make this right.

When you're a year sober, 12 1/2 years is a lifetime. It was unbelievable. And I,

I want to do it. I didn't, you know, I wanted to pay him back, but I kind of wanted to do it by like hitting the lottery or something, you know what I mean? Then I could be the big, I'd come in on a limo and give him a check or something, you know. But the people in a a said you sold your integrity a nickel and a diamond a time and you'll buy it back a nickel and a dime at a time. You make the payments, you'll get more from the payment than the grandiose gesture.

And I, I sat down with my parents in the coffee shop or the hotel they were staying at, Stardust, and presented my plan to them about the 12 1/2 years of payments and asked my dad if there's other stuff that I don't know about, I can't remember tell me. And my dad looked at me and and said to me said, Robbie, we don't want you to pay back the money.

We are delighted that you seem to be on the right track. This is the first time in years that we really had any hope that maybe you were going to be OK. We just want you to keep doing this thing you're doing and just stay sober. And if you do that, forget about the money.

Oh man, I remember, I couldn't believe it. I just, I just hit the recovery lottery. I mean, I just got out of 12 1/2 years of payments. That's like a free house or something. I mean, it was amazing to me and I was so excited. I was, I was on my way. I left the Stardust and I was on my way to my sponsor's office to tell him the good news, man, I don't have to pay. This is amazing. And, and on the way over there, I'm thinking about other people I owe money to. I wonder if I could get them to see the light.

Like,

like my dad did and I walk into his office and I'm I'm on this pink cloud. This is amazing. And I told him my dad said I don't have to pay him. And you know what he says to me? He says it doesn't matter what your dad said, that's your debt. You got to make that right. You know, there are just times, you know, you got the wrong sponsor. I mean, it's just

I said, what are you talking? You don't understand. He won't take the payments. How am I going to pay him? And you know what he said? He says this to this day. He's an old guy. I'm taking him with. I'm going to take him to the Hawaii conference in November. He's a dear man,

he says. He's been saying this since I've been sober, he says. I don't know. But a way will be shown.

I don't know when a way will be shown. What the Hell's that mean? I don't know. You know, I wasn't even way. Will be showed. You what way? I mean, if I send my dad a little check, he ain't even going to cash it. You know what? What are you talking about? And he was right. Now I'm working as a running a cash register for not much more than minimum wage

in a retail store and it's the night. It's the 19th. Late 1970s. My dad had a hobby. My dad used to collect

all the United States. All the coins were made of solid silver up until 1964 and then from 64 to 69 they were made partially silver, certain coins and then they cut it off. There was no silver, has been no silver in the US coin since.

And my dad collected those and he also collected the old the war nickels that were partially silver and he collected the silver certificates and the gold certificates. And in 19781979 there was a lot of that stuff still in circulation. And I'm running a cash. It comes through the register every day,

every day. And I thought, oh, this should be very cool. I could. Maybe I'll talk to my boss and I'll see if I can buy this stuff out of the register and I'll put it aside thinking that, you know, one day I would have a nice little gift for my father. This should be very cool. Never the thought, never crossed my mind that was going to pay the debt with this. That would be ludicrous.

And I talked to my boss and he said sure.

And there's there's something that happens in alcoholic synonymous. It is. It is the essence of God's grace,

and it's a principle that Carl Jung first coined. It's called synchronicity, and what synchronicity is, is a picture of a universe that is the most loving and accommodating universe you could ever imagine. That from the moment of commitment to doing the right thing, even though it may be impossible, the universe will start shifting subtly