At a Big Book Study Weekend in Adelaide, Australia

So how do we how do you actualize the juice?

How do you get the power to live, The power to change your own life,

the power to become different?

The power to free you from resentment and overwhelming, paralyzing fear?

The power to come out and play and be free,

and consequently the power not to to be placed in a position of neutrality from alcohol so you can protect it.

The problem that I face and most of his faces is a problem of of too much of me.

When I was brand new I just I just started praying to God, but I don't really believe in God yet. This had I had to pray in God to pray, I had to pray for consistently for a period of time and then observe what was happening in my life till I eventually developed some kind of faith. And it was a process.

But I'm new and I'm just starting to pray and I'm going to I'm going to meetings and I have a sponsor and I'm doing what my sponsor asked me to do. And,

and I go to this meeting one day and a guy corners me, this guy named Joe and he's an old timer and a A. And he,

Joe says to me, he says, I heard what you shared in the meeting. And she said, kid, you need to take Step 3.

And I, you know, this day of the 12 steps on the wall on the wall of the meeting hall. And I look at, I read step three and we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. And

I'm not, I'm not only don't I understand God, I'm not even sure if I believe in God yet. I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't have a God. I don't have none of that. And I told Joe that I said, Joe, I can't take step three. I don't, I don't really believe in God. And Joe said, you don't have to believe in God to take step three. And I said, well, it's kind of what it says. And he said, no, no kiss. He says, listen, kid, trust me, if you'll turn your will and your life over this chair. And he points to a chair in the Alano Club. He says, I guarantee you an instant miracle.

So I thought, what the hell? OK, I turned my will, my life over the chair. What's the miracle? And he says, oh, the miracle would be your life's no longer in the hands of an idiot. And I didn't get mad. I guess I was surrendered enough and demoralized enough that I just thought, yeah, that'd be right,

because I got it. I knew that I'd been destroying myself. I and if you're anything like me, whoever's watched you and the worst decisions you will make are sober.

Whoever has watched you the last year or so would easily come to the If you're running your life oneself will drunk or sober

and people are observing you, it easy to come to the conclusion whoever is making decisions for this person is out to destroy them. And yet from inside me it never looks that way because of my ability to justify and rationalize it. I've had some great mentors over the years. There was a guy named Dale who was an old timer when I got sober and he eventually died of cancer. But he was a great member of AA. And Dale cornered me one time after a meeting. And he says, listen, he liked me,

was kind of a Gruffalo guy, but he kind of really liked me because I did a lot of service and he really respected that. And it came up to me, says, listen, kid, I'm going to tell you some stuff. If you'll buy this, it's going to save you a lot of pain and a lot of grief,

he says. Kid, I want you to know that if you're explaining something, if you're defending something, if you're justifying something or rationalizing some kid, I want you to know you're wrong because you never have to defend, explain, justify or rationalize what's right.

And he told me that that's been 30 some years ago that he told me that. And I've never found an exception to that yet. It's the chattering. It's, it's when I'm doing something that is is out of line that is against what I should really be doing that I got to have the conversations have to start coming in my head to defend my position and explain it to myself. You never have to explain what's right,

but you will always have to defend and and justify and explain anything that's contrary to your very nature.

And this thing we talk about really

it's God's will is simply to align myself to be doing what I should have been doing all along

rather than being in conflict with life itself.

On page 60, it starts this section on, on step three. And and my sponsor, my first sponsor was like a fanatic about this section of the book. I mean, he was not big on on much else, but he's big on this 60 through 63 had me read it over and over and over again. And, and I start, you know, I'd read it and

I don't really get it. I mean, I don't, I don't see it. And I'm going to read some of it and see what we'll talk a little bit about my, the things that handicapped me. It says our description middle of the page, our description of the alcoholic, which we, we touched on a little bit. Page 20 and 21, the, the chapter more about alcoholism, the doctor's opinion. They could all be part and parcel of the descriptive. There's several descriptions of alcoholism,

the chapter to the agnostic, which we just touched on a little bit, and our personal adventures, our experience

before and after. Before and after what? Before and after drinking? I don't think so.

I don't think my experience at times after with just not drinking wasn't it wasn't that good. I think it's before and after having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps

on our personal adventures. Before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas.

A that I was alcoholic and I could not manage my own life.

Period.

No exceptions,

no no afterthoughts or caveats. It doesn't say anything and, and I think,

I think a lot of us, I know I did. I think I unconsciously thought that my life was only unmanageable as a result of my drinking,

that surely sober, going to meetings with a clear mind, I'll be able to manage my own life.

I mean, why not?

And

I think a lot of us, I know this was my experience. I had to have that second

and more than one, but at least that major second surrender where, you know, I, I get broken by my absolute failure, controlling and enjoying my drinking and it brings me to my knees and I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm surrendered by the bottle. And then in abstinence,

years into sobriety, going to a meeting every day, I'm surrendered by life itself. It my absolute failure

to make things OK, no matter how much effort I put into them,

that I could not manage my own life, period. Not just my. My life, truthfully, is more unmanageable sober because it's sober when I start having the problems with the emotions and all the crazy thoughts and the jobs and the relationships. And it's sober where my life is the most unmanageable because I don't have the benefit of anesthetic.

Two, that probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism. You didn't have to sell me on that. I had tried everything that came up on the radar. And three, that God could and would if he were sought.

Well, I don't know.

I don't think most of us know that till we seek him for a while.

I think that is the, I think the, the proof is found in the actions.

And then it says being convinced of those 3 propositions, we were at step three. And what are those 3 propositions? Aren't they really the essence of step one and step 2IN in? In my experience with all the guys I sponsor who have difficulty with step three, they don't really have difficulty with step three. Their difficulty is in step one and Step 2. If you fully concede your innermost self and you get the AB CS, you get step one and two.

Step three is automatic. In in step three it says we made a decision. Decision comes from a Latin word, scissor, a meaning to cut.

It's the same root word as the word scissors, or the word incision, when a surgeon will cut into a patient. When you make a decision, you have literally cut away the alternatives. And if you're alcoholic, which means you have a terminal illness, you're going to relapse yourself to death or maybe in abstinence, blow your brains out and you can't manage your own life. In other words, you can't fix yourself.

You can't arrange your life enough to make you happy and OK sober

and no human power. You've done everything. You've gone to the doctors, the psychiatrists, the hospitals, the treatment centers,

you change jobs and relationships in towns and did everything that was possible. And no human power could have relieved your alcoholism. Well then there is either a power greater than you and all of that that's going to solve your problem or you're screwed.

You're basically you're back to the other choice, going on to the bitter end, just trying to blot out the pain of your intolerable situation with with relationships and sex and medications and anything you can get your hand on to, to blunt the emotions till it be eventually die.

So effectively,

all the decision, all that, all the alternatives have been cut away. I am at Step 3. There's nowhere to go.

There's nowhere to go even if you're like me and you're an atheist. It's it's and it's not so much I may not even believe in God, but I believe in the idiot that's been run in my life. I believe I got to get away from him and it's and it's odd, I think that most of us move closer to God by moving away from ourselves.

It's it's it's like everything we're going to talk about the next couple pages that's designed to bring me to to the step to Step 3 is not about God

S about how messed up I am.

Because if you're desperate enough and out of alternatives enough, you'll try. God,

where else you going to go?

So being convinced, and this is back to our innermost self

because the word convinced is a very strong word, this is not. Can you kind of intellectually see this is deep down in you being convinced? We were at Step 3, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that and just what do we do? Great question.

I thought it meant maybe I should go to church. I thought maybe, well, it means I guess I should pray.

It's so much more than that.

Well, the book says, OK, here's we're going to start talking about it. The first requirement is that I be convinced. There's that convinced word again, deep down in me, Convinced that any life, or that my life in particular, run on self well, can hardly be a success.

Is that true?

Is that true

on that basis? What basis? The basis of Maine running my life on self? Well, on that basis,

I am almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though my motives are good.

Umm, my motives are always good,

and yet I'm always the guy that's having the internal conflict with life itself. I'm the guy having the the the arguments in my head with people that aren't in the room.

I'm the guy that's in, that's in conflict with life itself.

Each person, Most people try to live by self propulsion

in that kind of I love that the picture in my mind that comes about when I think about that it was almost as if I would get sober and while I was in treatment, I was like I was like a balloon that somebody's blowing up until it's blown up really well and then I get out of treatment. It's like letting the balloon go on so and the propulsion I would just.

And I'd run out of gas. It's time to drink.

You know when you get to the point the everything you've just crazily brought into your life and done it in the shines were awful. All of it. Self propulsion. Most people try to live by self propulsion, and this is a beautiful analogy Bill creates. He says we're we're like an actor who wants to run the whole show

now. It doesn't say he's not the director,

it's an actor, it's not the leading character. Matter of fact, it doesn't even say the guy has a speaking part. It's just he's just one of the guys in the deal, just one of the guys. But yet this, this guy who just has a little bit part in this play, he's trying to tell

the other people what to do. He's trying to forever arrange the lights.

He's telling the spotlight guy, you know, she put the lights more on me. Maybe

that's what I would say. I mean, you know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be telling him to put him more on you. I mean, why would you do that when the when you when you know where the real center of the universe is?

My mother one time

told me I wasn't the center of the universe. I was just a little kid. And I just. I placated her. Yeah, Mom. But then I thought, I looked around and I turned around in a full circle and I thought, But I am.

We're trying forever to arrange the lights, the ballet, want the dancers dance more around me, the dance, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in my own way. If only my arrangements would stay put, if only people would do as I wished. Oh my God, this show would be great, wouldn't it? It'd be great. Everybody, including myself, of course, would be pleased. And life would be wonderful.

Well,

I'm reading this. My sponsors got me reading this part of the book over and over again, and it's written in the third person. I tell the guys a sponsor to to read it in the first person, to change it to I instead of we because I'd read it and it's written in the third person. And I thought they were talking about some kind of people out here somewhere.

And I couldn't see that was me. I couldn't see that I was the actor trying to run the whole show. Now I could go to a A meetings and see that there were people in a A doing that. I could go to the business meetings of my Home group and see there was a lot of people trying to run the whole show and tell people what to do there. There's people at work doing that,

but I legitimately can't see that it's me. I can't see it.

And isn't it odd? I could be doing the exact same controlling, manipulative actions as these people are doing where I can see obviously, that they're trying to run the show. Yet when I'm doing it, it doesn't look to me like I'm running the show because this is the right way.

I'm not running the show. I'm just trying to make things nice here for everybody. I mean, because I'm, I'm that kind of, I'm always thinking of others, just trying to make things. It would be better for everybody. Everybody, including myself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. Don't you see? This is better for you too.

It's good. It's good and I can't see it.

I can't see that I'm running the show because I think I'm right.

They had one of those days

that often we have

just, you ever have one of those days you just wake up with a little angst. You just wake up like on edge, sort of, you don't know why, just wake up. And he just had that feeling like there's some crap going to happen today and you got to watch for it. You got to watch. And if you watch for it, you, it's odd how you find it. And I went to work with just kind of little edge, little uptight, little

angst and got to work. And we had this working as a cashier in this store and we got a whole truckload of merchandise in that all had to be priced and put on the shelves. While I'm over there busting my ass, put price in his stuff and put it up on the shelf. The other two guys are just, they're sitting behind the register drinking coffee and telling jokes and stuff. And I'm just glaring it down, putting up that stuff, you know,

and the customers are coming in and they're coming over and interrupting me

as I'm working. These customers, they all want help. They want attention. I get crap. I'm nicer

pricing stuff. I'm like a like, there's a spring in the pit of my stomach and it's just getting tighter and tighter and tighter. The boss comes through, doesn't he hangs out with the two idiots that are doing nothing and doesn't even notice what I'm doing over here, doesn't even appreciate they're using me. I know it

pissed getting angst up

the end of the day. I'm just uptight. I get off work and I'm kind of in a hurry because I'm I'm the secretary of this rush hour group and I got to stop and get some Styrofoam cups for the meeting and and I'm meeting a new guy there. So and I don't want the new guy to get there before me because they'll never sit in the right place. And I got to get there before him and I, and I'm kind of on this mission from God, you know, to get there before the new guy and get everything set up. And I'd stop at the grocery

door and I get in that 12 items or less express line with the Styrofoam cups. And I'm in line and I'm behind a woman that's got 15 items. I've counted them twice.

What I really wanted to do, I wanted to go back to the office and I wanted to bring the manager. I wanted to bring him right here. I wanted to make him count the 15 items underneath the 12 items or less like so he could see the travesty that was going on in his store. But it had slowed me down. I'm in a hurry, so I just tighten that spring up a little bit more.

I get out in traffic now I'm in a hurry. I'm afraid that new guys going to beat me there. Now I'm angst up pretty good. I get, I get in this

heavy traffic behind this woman and there's a big gap between her and the cars in front of her because she's going 5 miles an hour below the speed limit and I feel like my head's going to blow up and she must be deaf because I'm hitting the horn. She didn't even hear it. There's a one point in there. I just, I thought this insane thought that thank God, I just think insane things. No do them all the time. The thought was

I should floor it, I'll push us both into oncoming traffic. We'd be killed, but she'd see.

But I don't do nothing. I just angst up a little more. I get to the meeting and the guys there, he beat me. The new guy beat me there. And you know where he's sitting? He's sitting in the back of the room. I get up here, sit up here. Right up, right in the front, right in front. Got him sitting right in the front. Laid out all the literature. I mean, I I can lay out some literature too. I'm telling you,

I waited patiently for the perfect two people to chair this meetings. One of those meetings where they had a chairman and a Co chairman. Chairman took the first half of the meeting and the Co chairman took the second-half. And I wanted to get the right two guys that are going to lay the message of Alcoholics Anonymous out for my new guy told the one guy said we're not going to we got a new guy here. We're not going to read chapter 5. We're going to read chapter 3. And he said, yeah, cool. And it's all in place. It's going to be good. I can picture this new guy getting his

mentioned in my name.

They started the meeting off. They read chapter 3. The chairman says, anybody have anything they want to kick us off with? And some guy starts talking about shooting heroin. Well, he's not even done talking. Another guy jumps in and some old guy and cuts him off says you can't talk about that here. This is alcoholic synonymous. Well, somebody else jumps in and tells that guy he can talk about whatever he wants to talk about here. And it's like the meeting from hell. I mean, it's like, and, and all, the whole, the whole fantasy of, of the new

getting the chip and mention in my name is just like just dissipating like smoke in the wind. And now I'm pissed. I'm the only one, I'm the only one here that gets it. I'm the only one here. All these other people are assholes. They don't know what they're doing. And I'm, I'll tell you, I'm fed up. I'm tired. I'm tired about being the only one that cares. And I'm, I'm ready to, I'm going to quit Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm going to quit these stupid people. And I go home and I, and I've been conditioned

like Pavlov's dogged call my sponsor before I go to call my sponsor. And he says, well, read page 60 through 63. And I get to the bottom of page 60 and says we're like an actor who wants to run the whole show, is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, the rest of the players, the other employees, the customers, the people in the grocery store, the people in traffic, the people sharing in the meeting in his own way.

If only my arrangements would stay put, if only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Everybody, including myself, would be pleased.

And it was like a veil lifted and I just sat there and I thought, Oh my God, that's me.

That's exactly what I've been doing all day long

now. It's it's, it's amazing to me that I could go through life being that guy, causing myself problems, quitting jobs, alienating myself from people, ruining relationships, doing being that guy and never know it.

And I never until that moment, I'd never even peeped it.

And not because I'm not a dumb guy. It's just the greatest trick the ego ever does is to convince us it doesn't exist. It hides behind a smokescreen of justification and chatter that a way it talks to me in my head. I'm not running the show. I'm this is going to be good for everybody. Do you ever notice you can't remember when you get resentments? Do you ever try? I have this thing inside me. I don't want to just get a resentment just because

person hurt my feelings. I have to take it to a global level. I mean, I, you know, I'll resent somebody in a a because they're doing something's out of line. And and I'll take it in my mind to the level where they're going to destroy Alcoholics Anonymous, where it's like now it's not, it's a crusade. I mean, it's, you know, I, I got to make it global.

The amazing ability to justify stuff is amazing. And the alcoholic mind,

the book says in trying to make these arrangements, our actor may be sometimes quite virtuous

in the in this desperate need to arrange life. So I'll be better in this desperate attempt to play God, I may be quite seemingly virtuous. I may do it in a manner that's kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self sacrificing. I can do it all that way. But if that doesn't work,

I can be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. I, I, it doesn't because don't, don't screw with me here.

This is important. This is important.

You don't see it, but this is. You don't get it. You're stupid. You're stupid. You don't get it. This is important

and I always try the first approach that I always try the kind considered patient, generous to get my way. I'll try a little little sugar, little sugar, get my way. Because if you get your way, being kind, patient, consider it. Oh my God, you got your way and you kind of looked almost humble doing it. It's that's a hat trick. That's beautiful. That's like a win win. I got my way and I looked good getting it. Wow,

does it get any better than that?

But don't screw with me,

because I'll go and I'll talk crap about you behind your back until I'll get everybody on the same page and they'll be against you because you're against me.

I'll turn. I'll just, I'll go out of my way to turn people against you

because isn't it all about me and this obsessiveness for me to get what I believe secretly is going to make me different and me happy and me better?

So what the books is what usually happens.

The show doesn't come off very well,

and it's not like I ain't trying.

I think. I begin to think life doesn't treat me right. I decide to exert myself more.

When all else fails, get a hammer. It's the only tool in my tool toolkit prior to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I become, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious as the case may be, whatever will work because I just need to get my way. Still, the plate does not suit me. It knitting I

may be somewhat kinda at fault. I am sure other people are more to blame. As a matter of fact, if you ever hear a person with untreated alcoholism say that, well, I might be wrong, it's only because they absolutely sure they're not and they're just trying to look humble.

I'm sure, I'm sure that if you, just if you would, only if you would, life would be great.

I'm convinced of it.

Why is that?

The book says he becomes angry and dignit and self pitting. What is my basic trouble? That is a brilliant question I'd never stop to ask myself. I think my troubles you. What is my basic trouble? And then here's the third delusion that the book talks about. The first two delusions keep me from staying sober, and this one will keep me in a state of emotional angst and depression

and unhappiness

for sometimes for decades sober until I can't take it anymore. And then what? I drink again, get on medication or blow my brains up or surrender and do this.

Am I not really a self seeker even when trying to be kind? Am I not a victim of the delusion that I can rest with AW like in wrestle rest, satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I only manage well?

That delusion in some of us runs deep into our consciousness. The idea that if I just get all my ducks lined up in a row, if I got everybody kind of looking the right way at life, if I got the right people loving me the right way, not like those other people screwed it up. If I got the right job, the right house, the right prestige, the right notoriety,

surely, surely, surely then

I will have rested satisfaction and happiness out of this world through all this management and effort on my part.

The problem with that

and the reason that that's a delusion, If we could be objective about ourselves and we could step back from ourselves as a demographic and looked at ourselves in almost a scientific view. I don't think that you could find a demographic on the planet of people that have ever spent more money,

more time, more effort or obsessive energy on trying to make themselves satisfied and happy as we have.

And the end result is I'm saying to someone, would you please sponsor me?

Absolute failure at Let me tell you something, if I could rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world, I'd have done it.

And I'm not talking about some of you are thinking, well the drinking got in the way.

The best way to understand the second-half of step one is to manage your own life for about 5 years without drinking. If you don't go insane and you don't ruin your life, you will come to that second collapse that involves the second-half of step one.

I came to that.

I came to an incrementally, but I came to it at great depth when I was a little over four years sober.

When I was by the time I was four years sober, I

I'd never worked the steps out of the book. And here's the the dangerous part I thought I had.

I did two inventories. The first one was the common inventory of its time where you just write about 30 or 40 pages of all your secrets and everything you're ashamed of

and you dump it on somebody.

I did that and I get to tell you nothing changed. I did a second one where I didn't know what else to do and I I did. I answered the 30 some questions in the chapter 4 in the book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions and wrote about a page on each of the seven deadly sins.

And I tell you, nothing changed.

And then at four years sober, I'm suffering from untreated alcoholism. I, I'm, I'm, I'm going to 15 meetings a week. I got, I'm a DCM. I'm on 2 convention committees. I got two hospital and institution commitments every week. I'm sponsoring guys, I have a commitment at my Home group. I mean, you couldn't get any more involved in activity and Alcoholics Anonymous than I was. And I'm dying here. I can't outrun myself anymore.

And I'm at that place where the Chuck Chamberlain talks about where you get to a place where you can no longer put anything between you and you. And there you are.

And I cannot run myself anymore. And thank God I I'd been to a Joe and Charlie weekend. And one of the, one of the things that aggravated me about that weekend is when they were talking about step four, they were saying things and I thought, and I'd sit there and go,

oh, I didn't do that. Oh, that's not what I did. And I started defending myself. Well, what I did was actually better than that. I did. And but I knew inside me that I hadn't really done it. I knew it. And one of the hardest things to do is, is when you have the kind of ego I have, even though you're dying and you're fighting depression And, and by the time I was four years sober, I'd already been through nine jobs in four years. That speaks volumes of untreated alcoholism because I'm always the guy

it's leaving.

I'm the guy who's always alone.

Then I can't run anymore and I, and I knew it.

I knew I hadn't really done Alcoholics Anonymous. And I had a guy that I sponsored who right about this time he asked me said, would you help me do a four step? And I just been through the Joe and Charlie thing. And I, I sat down with him and, and we went through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we did line by line and just what it said, write something, list something, pray something, realize something. We just did everything it said

and I got to watch that guy change

and it was perfect because right after that it was going to be my turn.

I hope the guy I sponsor that was sober newer than I was do this before I ever did it and it was brilliant because the the Hindus have a saying that the student doesn't learn the lesson till he becomes a teacher. I learned how to do a four step help in this idiot learn how to do a four step,

and I learned it in a way I couldn't have learned it if I was trying to figure it out for me. But it's odd when you're looking because you care about somebody else. You see it differently, don't you?

And I was. I learned how to do a four step by helping a guy do a four step

when I was about a year sober. I got down on my knees and I,

you know, the book says we thought well before taking the third step. I said before saying this third step prayer. And I think I thought well, but the truth was I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't even under I'd read this part of the book dozens of times. I don't even think I understood the words really and what they meant to me personally. I don't think I got it. Isn't that odd that you could say a prayer over and over again, not really even understand it?

And I got down on my knees and I said the third step prayer on page 63 and I'm going to read it. If you want to say it along with me, feel free. You don't have to.

These are the formal terms of surrender.

God Ioffer myself to Thee to build with me, and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Of thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always.

Well,

I didn't do what it said after that, which is we started once on this house cleaning. Not too long after that, I wrote the I wrote the 30 some page, the almost 40 pages of crap.

But at the 10 months after I said the third step prayer were very painful. I, I tell you, there were times in in the next 10 months where I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It was horrible. Within no time at all, after taking this prayer, saying this prayer on my knees with another member of a, A, I lost my job.

And this, this was the job that I thought I was going to have all my life. It was a, to me, it was a career. And not only did I lose this job and I'd lost jobs before, but this job was important to me. And I lost this job. And then I put out resumes and I could not get a job anywhere in this venue. And I even stretched it out to sort of related fields could not every door was closed, every single door.

Now I'm getting scared because I don't have any savings really and I I'm a pretty much a paycheck to paycheck kind of guy. And now I don't have a job and I can't get one. And I'm scared at the same. Right after that my roommate moves out. Now I'm living in a 2 bedroom apartment which I'm only paying half the rent and half the utilities with a roommate and a job. Now I got no roommate and no job. I got homelessness coming at me

and I don't know if I can weather homeless sober.

I, I got this girl I'd been dating and she dumped me, went and dated, started dating somebody else. I started going through these emotional roller coasters that were just bizarre, I mean, very erratic, where I could just be sitting having a cup of coffee. Nobody said nothing to me. Nobody's done nothing. Nothing's happening. And all of a sudden this ball of emotion would just rise up and I just sit there and I just start sobbing and I don't even know why.

And I felt like I was losing it.

I felt like I'm having a nervous breakdown here. I got to tell you something.

There's a thin line between nervous breakdown and surrender

it. They're almost identical.

God's trying to move me into a collapse that will change my life.

And I don't know what's going. I went to my sponsor and I told him, oh, I said I can't, I'm getting worse. And he said, you know what he said to me? He says that crazy stuff people say. He said, oh, you're right on course.

I

for what? A train wreck. What are you talking about? Right on court. My life's falling apart. The wheels have come off. I'm dying here. I'm going to be living in this in the in an alley somewhere and within two weeks.

And she just smiles. Oh, you're going to be OK.

What's making me so sick? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

What's threatening my very abstinence?

What's happening?

No,

here's the problem. When I got down on my knees and I said to God, hear God, here I am for you to build with me and to do with me as you will. God took that literal and he started building with me and he started doing with me. And I was like an old burnout house that somebody's trying to rehab. You got to tear a lot of crap out in order to make room for new stuff.

Here's the problem. The problem is God has not presented me the blueprints for my approval

building and doing. And he don't he don't call me up. If he called me up, he had the decency to call me up and said, oh, hey, Bob, Bob, that job, that's a nowhere job for you guys. Don't have a hard time staying sober doing that. You, you don't want to stay there. He said, we're going to move you over here, Bob, and you're going to eventually learn this other business and and it's going to be very good for you. And you're going to build a big corporation over there and you're going to make a lot of money. You're going to be able to retire very young and be set for life.

What would that be OK for you?

He doesn't say that. He just takes the job.

The fetus said to me, oh Bob, we got to get your roommate to move out because there's a guy from Florida moving to town and you and you and Greg are going to be roommates for a couple of years. And you guys are going to do a lot of 12 step work together. And you're going to you're going to Co start another 12 step fellowship. And now it's going to help a lot of people

and you're going to do a lot of service in the community and it's going to take your program to a new level. Would that be OK for you, Bobby? You didn't say that. He just took the roommate. Vita said that girl you're dating, she's going to be drunk within six months. Bob, you don't want to be emotionally tied into that. But he didn't say that. He just took her out of my life. And if you would have said, you know, you've been, you've had some emotions that have been pent up in you for years

and we got to cook them out of you.

But he just started doing and building with me exactly what I asked him to do.

And the problem is, I don't understand what's happening. If I knew or if I really trusted God, I should have been cheering what was going on. I should have been just going go, God go. Because everything he's taking from me is, is to make room for more, for a better life.

What's making me sick? It's my will. It's my judgment. It's mean, afraid I'm not going to get my way. And that's why in the third step, when we make the decision, we it's will. First we make a decision to turn our will to surrender. My will. The word surrender comes from 2 Latin words Sir, meaning above and render meaning to go back to I'm giving back to above

what

what I got. I'm giving myself back to God for him to build with me and do with me. And in other words, if you're really sincere about the decision in step three, you're really taking a position where you're going to from now on, you're going to try to make your life none of your business. It's now God's business. Well, that's that's very that just that makes people like me crazy. What do you mean it's not my business?