The Soul food roundup in Mobile, AL

Thank you, Sir. My name is Zach and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 11th, 2008. My Home group is also Big Easy group. She told you about where we meet. So if you're ever in New Orleans, please come and see us. And

I'd like to thank Marcia and Glenn for asking me here. It's always an honor to be asked to do anything, you know, that didn't happen that often in my life. And also thank you guys for the workshop. It, it helped me and I know it helped a lot of people here. And I know that the red bird lives in the tree,

in the Willow tree. See, even I can't remember it. And that's that's why we have cleared clear cut directions. I am from, I am from Iowa.

I grew up there. However, I don't know, five years ago, maybe even a year ago, maybe two years ago, if you asked me where I'm from, I'm, I'm going to tell you, you know, I'm from around, you know, I've been a lot of places. I, you know, I don't want to tell you like I'm, I'm ashamed where I come from. I want to be something I'm not,

you know, and it's, it's always been like that. It's always been the biggest thing for me about coming up here and speaking. Anytime I speak in a meeting is what are they going to think of me? You know, I just did a fist step last night with a guy. And every time I sit down with a guy or with somebody else, that huge fear comes up of what are these people going to think of me, you know? And, and I guess for so long in my life, it's because I felt like there was me

and the rest of the world, you know, there was me and then all these other people who didn't understand.

And from a young age, I was one of these kids that was running around. I was getting in trouble. I was, I guess, you know, probably if I was born five years ago, they would probably put me on some Adderall or something or Riddle it. You know, I was just, I was a crazy kid. My parents really had no control over. And the teachers always said, he's so smart, he's got so much potential, but he just doesn't listen, you know, and this is 5678 years old. And it's not so much that I, that I don't listen,

says I don't really respect anybody, you know, and I don't really care about anything anybody else wants. I just care about what I want and I want it now, you know, and that's the beautiful thing about alcohol. It gives me what I want right now. And I get, I get afraid. I get afraid in life. And I know what will take that away immediately, You know, I know that a drink will take that away. And, you know, if I, if I don't have a solution, that's what I'm going to go back to. And I, I, I liked what was said earlier about

I forget sometimes, you know, I forget and I tell people all the time that the problem is life. But really when we, when we get down to it, the problem is that alcohol is right there, you know, and if the, if I'm not persistent on this path, if I'm not enlarging my spiritual life, I'll go back to what worked for me for 25 years. You know, I took, I took my first drink, I think when I was 13 years old.

I was,

I was with a good friend of mine, Jeff, and we're in his basement and we had

lime flavored vodka and Mountain Dew. And we mix that all together and we were listening to Iron Maiden and like pushing each other around and just jumping around. And I mean this, it was a blast. There was nobody there but the two of us, but it, I mean, it was amazing. It was, it was like magic, you know, and I woke up the next day and I had vomit all over my shirt. That's a that's a recurring theme early on in my story, before I learned how to drink properly. You know,

I, I had vomit all over my shirt and it wasn't like I thought,

I can't wait to do that again. But it was

that was a hell of a time. You know, that that was a good time and I didn't become a daily drinker from that point on. But I do think that how some people never crawl or how some people cross this invisible line they talk about. I don't think I ever crossed the line from the jump. I drank to get drunk. You know, the second time I got drunk, we found this little squeegee bottle with some alcohol in it. Me and three friends got all drunk,

drank it up, got on a what do you call that? You jump a trampoline and we start jumping up and down with boxing gloves and punching each other. You know, we're, we're brilliant kids from Iowa, you know, and, and we do that and we get off the trampoline and all I can think, I don't know it at the time. I don't realize what's going on with me, but all I can think is we need to go to his house. I bet his parents have liquor and we still have this squeegee bottle and it's empty. We should fill it up, you know, So we did that. And that was the first time I got

and I, I sat by the toilet and, you know, during high school, I was that guy on Monday

making plans with people. OK, what are we going to do on Friday? You know, I wasn't drinking on Mondays and Tuesdays, but it's, it's all I could think about. It consumed my week. OK, maybe we could go down to this little station and get that homeless guy to buy us something or who's got a fake ID or how can we get it? You know, that that constant thought of alcohol, of getting drunk was there from the beginning. You know, and I got in a lot of trouble in high school. Like I said, I have a, a, a little problem with authority.

So I would talk back to teachers and I would tell them what I thought. Because here's another thing I learned about myself early on is that I'm smarter than everybody else, you know, and that's, it's, it's, it's a painful, painful world when the other people don't realize how much smarter you are than that. No, it's, it's just, it's, it's a terrible place. And it's, it's very lonely when you're, when you're misunderstood. And so, you know, in, in high school, I'm getting,

I'm getting things like a friend and I have to go before a disciplinary board every Friday,

you know, and we have to talk about what we did during the week and how we didn't screw up from getting in trouble drinking. I get a, a drunk driving when I'm 17 years old and that's an honor. You know, we had a little club in my high school, me and two other guys, we got drunk driving in high school. That's cool. You know, I, I left high school, I got a little, I would have told you 10 years ago a scholarship,

but what I got was invited to play football at this college. And

you know, I'm always trying to make myself better than what I really AM. And so I went to the school and I played football. And what happened was I was second, third string. I wasn't playing and I, I couldn't deal with that. And so I told everybody, the school is too small. I'm leaving this place, man, screw them. And what, what the real deal was, I, I couldn't be the big shot,

you know, And what I did was I ran around and I listened to some bands and I thought I was real cool. And I took lots of LSD and I, I was expanding my mind because I'm creative, you know, I'm, I'm an artist and I'm also a bohemian, right? That's what, that's what you call yourself when you don't really have a place to stay, when you just sleep on people's couches and like, use their money. You're a bohemian,

you know? But I've come to find out is I was a loser,

you know, and, and keep in mind, I was, I was smart this entire time, you know, I, I was an intelligent person. But instead of going to class, I'm going to get drunk all night and I'm going to do what I'm going to do. And, you know, I've long since abandoned the idea that I,

I would drink like other people, you know, that that wasn't ever an issue. It was OK, how can I make this right? You know, from 19 to 21, I found this nice stuff they make in bathtubs in Iowa that you put in your nose. And it helped me to drink. And I could drink for long periods of time and not black out and not get in fights. And I, I found, you know, I found that mix and that that was a great thing. But then then I found myself hooked on that. And this is how I think. I'm not a drug addict. I just put that,

you know, and then what I tried after that is I would try to work all week, smoke dope during the week because it's from the earth and it's natural and God wanted us to smoke it, you know, So I smoked that and I just get drunk on weekends. But what started happening is those weekends turned into, well, I might get drunk Sunday night

and then, you know, we might as well start on Thursday. So then it's Thursday to Sunday. Then it's whatever to whatever, you know, And I, I did all these things to, to try to, to try to make things right. I tell myself I'm only staying at the bar till midnight and it would be midnight and I would look at my watch and say, well, I missed midnight. It's twelve O 7. I'm going to leave at 1:00,

you know, and then it'd be one O 9. Well, I'm going to stay till 2.

Yeah. Oh, it's 220. So I'm going to stay till

three, you know, and I, I kept doing that over and over and I went to a city where some friends of mine who actually cared about me pointed out that Zach, what happened to you? You weighed like 155 lbs. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm normally like one 9200 and you, you look like shit. You know, why why don't you do something with your life? So what I did is I went back to that university where I had where I had played football and I went back there in a spring and I met a

who kind of became my, my running buddy, you know, not just imparting, but in football as well. And he got me to a point where, you know, I, I bulked up and that, that following fall, I started, you know, I was on the, the first team. I was playing defensive end and we had a very good team. So here I am really believing I'm the big shot. People are congratulating me after the game and I've got

young guys coming up to me and saying things like, man, Zack, you're so cool. I wish, I wish I could do what you do. And what they meant was like

eating a bunch of mushrooms after a game or snorting an 8 ball of cocaine and drinking until Monday. And I just I remember, I'll never forget. I was I was in this house, in this basement, This guy said to me, said this to me. And I thought, what why? Like I just I just felt, you know, I was loaded. But I felt that tinge of this isn't what he should be looking up to, you know, this isn't who he should emulate himself

after. And

that didn't matter. I just, I just kept drinking. I kept, I kept doing those things. And you know, I, I should mention that I grew up in a, a Catholic household. I went to Catholic schools all my life. So, you know, you when you're, when you're an alcoholic like me, you, you have to have a scapegoat. You have to have somebody to blame it on. And so a whole church, a whole organization of people is good, you know, but it starts with the parents. So I could blame my parents for making me go to this Catholic school and not allowing

to go to high school with my friends. You know, I can blame them because it's never my fault. Nothing is ever my fault. And it was said earlier tonight, I didn't learn until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous that none of this out here is real. You know, any problem that's going on is right here inside of me. And I still to this day have problems with that here and there when I'm not spiritually fit. Here's how my mornings go. I wake up and I think I should probably pray

and I think, no, I'm going to go to the bathroom, smoke a cigarette, make some coffee. And then I think, God, you're, you're a horrible writer. You shouldn't write today. And I think you know your your girlfriend's mad at you, even though she hasn't said anything. And I think you why, why are you even going to work? They're screwing you over anyway. You're only getting two jobs. And now what happens in in a, in a good world when God's working is my phone rings and it's some sick bastard on the other end saying,

Hey, Zach, man, you aren't going to believe it. I got kicked out of that treatment center again and I told myself it wasn't going to happen. And I don't know what to do. And I just talked to that guy and I listen and all of a sudden I think, God, all that shit you said to him, that's pretty good stuff, man. Maybe you should go and pray. Maybe you should go and meditate, you know, and I and I go do those things.

But anyway, so I, I left that university and I, I went to be a little more of a bohemian, I guess. I,

I got invited to go teach English in South Korea and I went over there and I just, I ran through every job I could and I was a, I was a terrible teacher. I smoked hash and got drunk and played with kids, you know, that kid. I mean, the kids had fun because I was like, and I was like an 8 year old and, you know, over there things were happening and I, and I just, you know what, what I thought was that if I could just stop

all of these problems from happening, if I could stop all of the consequences from happening, then things might be OK. And I was talking with my friend Ken outside about this earlier is I never went to these other cities or these other places thinking I'm gonna stop drinking and life's gonna get better. What I thought was I'm gonna get to this place and I'm gonna meet cooler people that understand me and party like I do and are creative and bohemian like I am. And we're gonna run off into the sunset,

you know, and, and that, that's what I thought. And you know, to this point, I hadn't been to an, a meeting. This puts me at what, 27 year old, years old, 28 years old in South Korea. And I get a bunch of money that I made from, from teaching and I, I was, I was in the, the hash selling business. And I, I, I had about $10,000 and I went and traveled for six months in Southeast Asia. And I can tell you,

people say I wouldn't trade my best day

drunk from my worst day silver. Like I would not trade those six months for anything. I mean, if it was beautiful, it was absolutely beautiful. And I'm reading all this Eastern philosophy, right? You know, I'm waking up in the morning and I'm, I'm, I'm smoking a big joint and I'm doing push-ups under the cold shower. And then I meditate for like 15 minutes and I come out of that and I think

I'm so spiritual or something like that.

But I really think at that point, you know, maybe it's about 1-2 in the afternoon because I've been up for like 1/2 hour and I think

I'm not going to drink today. You know, I'm going to have a good day. I'm going to go see a temple. I'm going to go rent a little moped or a motorcycle. I'm going to do some cool stuff. And what happens is maybe I go do those things. But about 6:00, seven o'clock, whatever time, it doesn't matter. I start thinking to myself, and this is the delusion. This is the mental blank spot.

I've known since I was 13 years old that every time I pick up a drink, I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to black out. I can't predict what's going to happen. I might be with the most beautiful woman in the bar. I might be with the ugliest man in OPP. Jeff, you know, I cannot predict with accuracy what's going to happen once I pick up a drink. But I will believe this. I will tell myself I'm going to go have a couple of these good beers and I'm going to eat a real good meal

and then I'm going to go home and read. And I would believe it and I'd have that one beer and I might nurse that beer for 1/2 an hour, the whole time thinking how good I'm doing. I think that's kind of part of the mental obsession too, you know, thinking how great I'm doing. Look at I've been drinking this beer for 1/2 an hour. I've got it this time.

Maybe I should try it again, you know, So I have a second beer, man. Well, I did real good on that first one. Maybe I can drink this one in 15 minutes and then, you know, two or three beers, it's done and I'm out till the morning. And that, I mean, that was six months of my life. Every day I woke up like that. Every day. I still believe that same bullshit. You know, this is the same guy. When I was 20 years old, I, I tried to stop drinking and just smoke weed. That's how I used to get silver.

I thought sobriety was you just smoke weed all day.

I really, because I never crashed cars when I was stoned. I never fell off roofs or got in fights when I was stoned. You know, I didn't realize that, you know, it's hard to get silver when you're high. I just, I couldn't, you know, I'm smart, but I, I couldn't like I couldn't, this is serious. Really. I could not put those two things together, you know, So I'm, I'm going and I'm on my little high kick and I think I'm going to make a real nice meal, you know, maybe invite a lady over and maybe hang out with my friends who I've, I've heard and

make some spaghetti. And the way I make spaghetti is you take like some mushrooms and onions and butter and green Peppers and you need red wine to put into that before you then put the red gravy into all that stuff. So I go to the store and I see like,

you know, these little dinky bottle of wines like this and it costs, I don't know, say 399. Well, then I look at the big handle of Ernest and Julio Gallo and think, well, that's 699. Why the hell would I spend 399 when I could get this for 699? I, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm good, you know, I'm smart and frugal. And so, so I buy this handle and I go home and I pour my little bit in there and I think, well, shit. Well, one glass of wine. You're not a wine.

You like, like cocaine and vodka. You know wine. Wine is like wine is like weed. It's from the earth. It's good for you. You know, grapes.

So you know what happens? I drink that whole bottle of wine. And you know, when I left, when I left South Korea, I had been kicked. I was the only person I knew who was kicked out of a bar in South Korea, in Busan. I mean, I don't know, I I thank God some days that I'm a blackout drinker

because there's lots of stuff people come up and tell me when I go out to hear some music, like, hey, man, you remember that time at No. And I don't even don't even tell me about it. I don't care. Like, did I harm you? No. OK, we're good, you know, And so I get kicked out of there and and you know, I think what terrible people, you know, I'm the one who's bringing all these people here. I'm the one selling hash to their bartenders. Why would they pick on me?

They do this to me. And I thought I need to go to a place where I can drink. Like I drank and had the freedoms that I had overseas. And I thought I should go back to the United States because I've been writing at this time. And by writing, I mean, like, getting drunk and writing, you know, poems and stuff on stuff, on bar napkins, like brilliant insights when you're really high. And then you look at them the next day and they are so brilliant.

But, you know, I thought everybody in the world had to read these things. And I, I'd be at the bar reading them to people whether they wanted to hear them or not. I still do that sometimes. It's just a little better quality, you know, But I, I thought, I thought I should go to, to school for this, You know, I should, I should study writing, but.

Where can I go in the United States that isn't the United States? Where can I drink and carry on like I have been? And I thought, man, New Orleans,

I thought I will, I will go to that country. You know, that should be an interesting place. That's, you know, I've, I've never, I've never been to New Orleans before. But what I know about New Orleans is drunk, you know, that's, that's what I know. And I, I got to New Orleans and, you know, it took me about a week to start hating Bourbon Street. But for that first week, man, I was drunk seven days straight, four days straight, something like that

on Bourbon Street. You know, I'm in a hostel because I don't make any plans before I go anywhere. I just move there, you know, And so I'm staying in this hostel. And what I don't realize is that Mardi Gras is coming up and they have all the beds. So my bed is going to be gone here pretty soon. So I I managed to get myself kicked out of there for insulting some French girls early on in the morning and, you know, telling them they should drink vodka while they're trying to check in at 8:00 AM. And

I decided to go out to California

because I don't realize it's cold in New Orleans in January. You know, I didn't, I didn't know that either. So I go out to California, I come back to New Orleans and I didn't go to school my first year. I didn't go to school my second year. And the third year I finally got everything in order to go to school. I got it all in the works. And I was at this old bar called, It's not there anymore, but it doesn't matter. It's called Lounge Lizards, I think something like this. And,

you know, it's like 8:00 in the morning and I'm thinking, who the hell is calling me at 8:00 in the morning? So I pick up the phone and I said, who the hell is this? It's like, Zach, this is Joanna, your, your administrator from University of New Orleans. Like, oh shit. She said, did you realize the class started two days ago? And I thought, no, I thought that started like next week or something. You know, and I just, I, I got to school and

because I have this problem with thinking I'm a Geneius.

And the only way for me to actually believe that is to put everybody else around me down to judge every single person around me so that I can feel like I'm OK, so that I can feel like, you know, I am somebody. And that's, that's what I did in that program. You know, I, I read people's stories and I thought, I thought

this is a piece of shit. She's a piece of shit. She can't write. He can't write. And

you know, I, I basically made fun of people and I, I had my friends on the side, the people who did the same kind of stuff I did. And,

you know, by this time I'm in New Orleans, but I'm not getting away with the same stuff. I'm getting arrested and I'm going to jail and I'm waking up in jail and I'm, I'm sweating and I, I've got, you know, those nasty Gray pads with pubic hair stuck in the side. And like, you know, there's 15 people in a cell the size of this table and it's just, it's disgusting. And I'm in there and they, they don't even have a Bible in there. They had like 1/2 a mislead torn in half. So I'm raising like songs of something and just,

you know, God help me and praying in there and let me get out of here and I'll never do this again, you know. And I'm in there for a couple days and I get out and there's a quickie Mart across the street and I've got, you know, 8 bucks, 12 bucks left in holding. And I think I'm going to go over there and get a sandwich, maybe buy a crackhead, some chicken or something so I can be a good guy, you know? And I go over there and maybe I buy a lady a gallon of milk

and maybe I have just enough left for 24 oz beer.

And I buy that because you know what? I need a break, man. I was just in jail. I need, you know, I, I, I need, I was, you know, and, and I believe this. And the cycle goes on over and over and over again. And I,

you know, I get thrown in jail more times. I, I insult people. I was, I was at a party and there were a bunch of the graduate students from my program there. And one of the ladies who's a professor who had just published a book, I went up to her and I said,

I said that book. That's, that's Chiclet. You know, it was like, I'm just rude, mean shit that I should not have said. And I said some other stuff in a blackout. And I, I vaguely remember people kind of ushering me off to the side. And no, you can't take any beer out of that beer tub or the bathtub and you need to go. And I got in a car accident that night and I was at a stop sign and this guy hit me and I remember

sitting on the ground

and thinking, I just gotten arrested a week before. Umm, if I go to jail again, I'm screwed. And I get in my car and I take off and I get the hell out of there. And I, you know, I ask, I ask what can I do? And I was so scared that I went to some a, a meetings. I went to some a, a meetings in Metairie, which is like the suburb. And I, I went there because I didn't want people in New Orleans to think I was an alcoholic. You know,

I'm serious. Even though the whole French Quarter knew, everybody knew I was an alcohol, you know, but I was ashamed. It wasn't so much, I'll tell you, I'm an alcoholic in a bar. The shaming part is saying I'm an alcoholic. I want to stop and I can't because how many times did I wake up and tell myself I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this. And you could have given me a lie detector test. You know, it wasn't just some, you know, to please somebody else. I did not want to drink anymore

and I couldn't not not drink.

And so I got out of jail that time again after a week. That's a long story I won't go into. And that Lady, I told that her stuff was chick lit. I went up to her at the bar of all places and said, you know, I said some really mean things to you and I'm sorry and I don't want you to think I'm an asshole. And she just looked right at me and said, well, you are an asshole,

you know, and I, and I thought that I really thought, what, what a bitch. And, you know,

I got, I got an opportunity to go to Prague, to go to the Czech Republic for,

what do you call it, a scholarship that I was given for writing. And I was a month sober when I left for Prague. That means you just smoked dope and go to lots of meetings. And so I was a month sober before I left for Prague. And the plan was that I was going to go over there and write a book about Hurricane Katrina, you know, interviewing people from Europe. Like, they give a shit,

you know? And so I, I fly to Iowa 1st to see my family, and then I'm going to fly out of Chicago. And I'm in Iowa for one day and I'm drunk. And I don't know what happened. I was sober, you know, and I go to Prague and I'm drunk for seven months. And don't get me wrong, it's still fun sometimes. It's still a blast. What sucks is waking up. What sucks is being sober. I can do all right. Being drunk, I'm pretty good being drunk. I may offend a lot of you and I may wake up

remorse and hurt and pain, but I have a solution for that. More alcohol. I made this. I made this decision, you know, and maybe it wasn't a decision. Maybe it was a moment of clarity, maybe it was something. But I knew that I was either going to have to be drunk the rest of my life or I was going to have to do something because I could not be sober. Being sober sucked. Waking up and you got 2 beers and a thing of honey, you know? And if I'm not going to drink, I'm squirting the honey down my mouth. And if I'm going to drink, I'm drinking all the beer and walking down

shop and then walk into the other one because I'm embarrassed. And I went to some meetings over there in Prague and I've been to some meetings in New Orleans. And I favored these meetings at the clubhouses because at the clubhouses, nobody was really telling me what to do. Nobody was, you know, they were letting me talk about pick up a month shift and just, you know, one month's over. Got to work on all that coffee drinking and weed smoking and cigarettes smoking. You know, that's like

that. That's, that's what I was doing.

And so I was in this meeting and I was scared to go to it. They had meetings at noon and at 6:00 PM and they were in the basement of some building. And I'd, I'd go up and see the sign and I'd see all the people in there and I would just be ashamed. And I walked down into that meeting finally one day. And I sat there and I knew from going to enough meetings that, you know, if you're new, you just shut up. You know, you just be quiet. And I want you to think that I know what I'm doing.

And I'd also read the Big Book about five times by now, mostly stoned. I have roaches in there and stuff. But I, you know, I had read it and I could quote things from them. And I'm the guy. And this guy drives me absolutely nuts. The guy, you go to the treatment center and he's been there 20 times, you know, and he knows, he knows the Big Book. So you can't tell him anything. You know, you can't do anything. That's me. Like I know everything

except how to stop drinking.

I can quit. I can tell you phrases, but I can't not, not drink. And as I'm in this meeting after a couple weeks, maybe I say a word, this guy comes up to me and these guys are taking me out to dinner, right? And they're telling me all these sick stories like I've just told you. And they're telling me, you know, how they did the same shit that I did and they were just like me and the same kind of pain they had in the morning. And it was read earlier tonight, this guy came up to me

and he showed me on that first page, you know, how many thousands of men and women have recovered? And that was the first time somebody said to me, he said to me point blank, I have recovered from this. I'm like, wait a minute, You don't even, you don't think about, you don't think about drinking at all. He's like, no, you know, a fleeting thought will come here and there. I'll smell some weed in the air and think that smells good. See a big glass of foam on a beer. Oh, that looks pretty good. But it's not that constant thought

because what's even worse for me than thinking about drinking is sitting in a meeting and thinking about not drinking, Thinking about what am I going to do when this happens? What am I going to do if she leaves me? What am I going to do if my book never sells that I haven't written, You know, and you know, and, and I'm thinking, I'm thinking all these things because I'm way far ahead in the future. And what this guy did, his name was Matt. His name still is Matt. And.

Please forgive me. And you know, Matt said. How about you come here tomorrow night and we'll sit down and we'll, we'll read this book together.

What do you mean? Why? Okay. And so I sit and I, I start reading through the doctor's opinion and I start reading through some other stuff. I start reading through there is a solution more about alcoholism with him. And they do this trick. They have, you know, meetings at noon and at six and on Friday night they have a special meeting where they have people go and talk about a step. And, you know, I've been reading with him for a couple days. He said. Zach, you're going to go to that Friday meeting and tell everybody about the first step.

Oh, OK, Well, I know the first step. The first step is that you're you're powerless. You have a phenomenon of craving, which is

once you put the drink in your body, you can no longer control what's going to happen. You have to drink more. But you also have this crazy mental obsession

that tells you it's going to be different this time, that tells you you need it, that tells you it wasn't that bad, that that gets you into that metal blank spot, you know, And he showed me those same two questions. If when you honestly want to, you find you can't quit entirely or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. So I left there. Oh my God, I really taught those people a lot. You know, they all knew it. I was the newest guy in there the whole time I was there. People would come in and out and I'd I'd be telling somebody with a week. All right, man, this is what

got to do. You're like, God, how do you have nine days? Well, I've been doing this. I've been reading with this guy and I asked Matt.

I like Matt, why? You know, he's got a beautiful Czech girlfriend at home. This guy can play guitar at different clubs. He's a real cool guy. Why are you coming here and meeting me? You know, I said why, Why do you want me to call you tomorrow at 2:00? You know, And both of these reasons are he's like, I'm not doing this because I'm under any delusion that what I'm doing is going to keep you sober. I'm doing this because I have to stay sober because I have to enlarge my spiritual life, you know,

and he took me through that book and he got me started on a four step and he was going to be leaving the country. And they, they tricked me over there. You know, I wasn't really, there weren't new people that I could sponsor or do stuff with, but I'd make coffee and people would come in town, tourists would come in town and I didn't sleep anyway, so it didn't matter. I take people out and I'd show them the city, You know, when I was reaching out to people and I had, you know, if you go into a meeting in another country, chances are you've been sober for a while. And so I got these people from all

world telling me this shit and I'm just, well, I'm telling them lots of things too. I'm probably talking more than they are, but they let me talk, you know, they let me ramble, just like I tend to let guys do sometimes in my car. And, you know, so he took me through that four step and I wrote it all down. And I was on this beautiful island and I was looking at the castle in the background and I started to see, you know, this sounds all romantic. It wasn't that romantic. It sucked. There were

people coming by and paddle boats, like smoking joints and drinking beers and I'm like these motherfuckers, all right, How was I dishonest? Oh God, I'm a hypocrite. I do that exact same stuff, all right, self seeking. I want everybody to respect me, all right. Afraid. I'm afraid I'm always going to be alone.

And I wrote the same thing over and over and over and every single resentment I had a part in. Well, Matt ended up leaving the country before I had an opportunity to do a fist step with him. But he was sponsoring another guy who had three months sober. And there was a guy there who had 10 years sober. And Matt said you can choose anybody you want to do this fish step with. And I remember and I, I don't, I didn't think about it at the time, but looking back on it now, even just writing that something had shifted a little bit where I cared more about somebody else

myself. Because I took that guy with the three months thinking it might help him. John's already been through tons of fist up with guys. He's never done a fist up. Or maybe I thought, well, he'll be less hard on me. But what, you know, whatever, I did it with him. I did some, you know, I did that six and seven step in the hour it takes to do it. I wrote down my amends and then I started going all around the city making amends with the kids I was teaching in Prague, making amends to everybody. And I get mad on the phone one day,

man, I made like 6 amends already. He's like, what the hell, You're the Jesse James of a man's or what are you doing over there? You need to, you know, talk to somebody before you make the amends. And I, I thank God I hadn't really heard anybody. I didn't great make great amends. But I leave there and I'm feeling pretty damn good. I'm about 3 months over and I'm still on the phone with Matt and I'm talking to him and I'm back in Iowa and I know I'm going to come back to New Orleans. And he's saying, Zach, you got to go out there and give this away like it's burning

in your pocket. You know, Zach, you need to do this. And I'm sitting around and I'm doing a little bit of nightly inventory, but not really. And I'm calling him and I'm going to meetings. And you know what? These people in Iowa, they're doing it wrong. Can't believe it. They don't do it like they do it in Prague, you know? And I'm pissed, really. I think I just wanted to get hired drunk. But what happened is he's telling me all these things and I'm not really doing these things. And I tell him,

Matt, I feel like shit, man. I've made amends to my parents. I've made amends to other people. I thought after doing all this stuff, you're supposed to feel better. He's like, come on, Zach, we've read this book together. We've done this stuff is like, this program is not designed to make you feel better, you selfish bastard. It's designed to make you useful to others. And I thought, you selfish bastard, how dare you say something like that to me? You know, terrible man 11 step Matt Howe is an asshole,

you know, resent him. And what happens is I'm at my parents house. I find some weed. It's in one of these little dugout boxes. I've got bad Angel on this shoulder, bad Angel on this shoulder. And I'm I'm putting it in there and I'm thinking don't do this sack. It was harder for me to quit weed than alcohol. And I know that's an outside issue, but that's just my truth. It was harder. Don't do it, don't do it. Don't.

And I tell you I smoke that until the whole box was gone and then I'm cleaning out the one hitter with a hanger and smoking like paint and resin and, you know, smoking all that and I'm dying. I'm three days

high and it's 7:00 in the morning and I've got nothing and I go out to my dad's fridge and there's beer in there and it's Bud Light and I've got this big ego problem which saved my ass. Maybe God wasn't ready to take away that character defect because what happened was I thought, I want to be able to tell these fine people in Mobile, AL. My last beer was this beautiful Pilsner Raquel in the Czech Republic with a big head on it and I did not drink that beer. Swear to God, my ego saved me and I went straight to a meeting,

you know, and I was sick as shit when I got to New Orleans. And they weren't doing it right in New Orleans either, you know? And I'm yelling at me. And so I'm telling them they're killing people. I'm all this. And what happened was I'm doing this at a meeting one day and these three guys come up to me. And my sponsor likes to call it this pocket of enthusiasm that is here, that's right here in this room, you know, And these three guys come up to me and like, you need a sponsor. You're pretty sick. I mean, they said that in not so many words, but, you know, so I asked this guy to be a sponsor