The 68th Duluth roundup in Duluth, MN

Good morning. My name is Barton. I'm a recovered alcoholic, and I want to thank the committee for the privilege of being asked to come here and speak. It is my least favorite thing to do in a A as well

and

I find it. I still find it funny when people say, you know, mellow guy or

and you know, we got to see a whole lot of Duluth. I went to the Zen garden, went to the Holly shop, went to he drives just like me as well. We

misdirections and I love, I drive like that and people complain and I go, hey, we get to see more than we normally would. And so I got to do that this weekend as well.

I especially want to thank all the people this morning that, you know, put all the pressure on me and said, you know, don't screw this up or

I gave up hunting this morning to come hear you. So, you know, I hate doing this and thanks for the pressure.

Or Alan on speaker said last night that, you know, we don't, we don't get to sit in, in first class seats, but we, we always have to sit in the back row of the, of the plane. And I went to pre book my reservations last night and there's no seats left on my plane. So I might be stuck here. And I don't think that's a bad thing because I really, I mean, I got to see a bald eagle, a porcupine,

the leaves turning and what a beautiful place this is. And, and the people, I mean, I was, I was here in Superior three years ago when I got to visit with old friends that I met. Then I got to meet so many new friends and many people just great. Made me feel really welcomed and comfortable because if I didn't, I'd be hiding in a corner somewhere. But you people really were able to help me to socialize and that's important. And thank you so much for that.

So this is this is a conference and

I find it important to not just tell my story, but share some of the things that are on my mind with a A as well. And one of them is a couple of you've heard us speakers say that we recovered Alcoholics and where I'm living now and, and even back in New York where I'm originally from. Can you tell

that's that's shield upon to say that you're recovered? And I find that I mean, I wish we didn't have to and, and, and people just respected the fact that we we used to be really sick

and we're not anymore. And that would just say enough, But it doesn't. And a lot of it is because some people have a sense of false humility to say that was still sick. And and that causes a lot of damage even in the outside world, you know, with the non Alcoholics, because we'll look down on enough as it is and, and to go to A to meet somebody and to explain that we don't drink because we're alcoholic. Or if we have to,

if an employee or something finds out that we're alcoholic, not because with telling them, but they just find out

and we just say, yeah, we're alcoholic. Well, they only have one picture of an alcoholic. But to say that we're recovered Alcoholics, that will put a whole nother light on it. You know, we're, we're not suffering anymore. We're not going to rob your money. We're not going. Whatever the things we might have done, we've recovered from that. We're we're better people today, You know, we don't suffer from this illness anymore, you know, and that's all it is, is an illness. It's not like that we're bad people. We just suffered from an illness that we don't suffer from anymore. So I think it's important to put it out there that we have recovered from it.

Newcomer. You know, there's not a whole lot of hope. I've recovered from a lot of illnesses

and recovery is very painful and I don't want to hear that I have to be in recovery for the rest of my life. And although that is some truth to that, but we do get to a point that we're recovered that we're not waking up in the morning pulling our hair out of our head saying I can't drink today, I can't drink today. You know, we don't the problems removed without any effect on our part just because we have a beautiful way of living

and and that's the hope for the newcomer that you don't have to struggle to not drink a day at a time.

You know, this problem can be arrested

without suffering. So I think that's really important. Last night

good old Facebook and you know, I don't believe everything that you read on Facebook. So I actually went to the a a web page and and looked, but I just find it really sad that I'll that I'll Grapevine that's coming out in October. The big headline and it is don't drink and go to meetings that almost killed me.

I couldn't. I was a person who couldn't not drink. And the best that a lot of people would tell me is just don't drink and go to meetings. And you'll hear it when I get into my story, how suicidal I became because I thought there was other things wrong with me because I couldn't just not drink and show up to a meeting.

I want to blow my brains out for that. So that's a horrible message to put out. And a A is putting it out in the Grapevine. And that, that that breaks my heart.

I

All right, I'll probably think of a few things. This will go along, but I'll get in. I'll get into my story.

Obviously, I said my personality is, is really shy. And you know, I, I felt like I didn't belong in this world from as little as I can remember. And I grew up in an apartment building in, in Queens, NY. And I look out the window and I would see the older guys, you know, standing on the corner and passing a bottle around and, and, and having a great time. My upstairs neighbor,

he, he overdosed from a heroin overdose and, and these were my idols,

you know, these people that were drinking and doing drugs. And oh, there's another issue. I wanted to talk about the outside issue. My Home group, my sober date is June 12th, 1995. And my Home group is Jaywalkers group in Sedona, AZ. And if you're ever in Sedona, please come visit or, or a small group or a big book study group.

We're a small, big book study group because it could take us a very long time to get through this book.

We read a paragraph at a time. The reader who reads a paragraph shares on it and then it's opened up for discussion until discussions over and then the next person reads it. So we don't get a whole lot of locals that are coming to our meeting. My wife and I started that meeting when we got there and, and that's my a Home group and I have another Home group for an outside issue. And I believe for me, I need to not half measure either one because half measures get me nothing. So I address both issues

separately.

I think that it's selfish to myself to not address both issues separately. I don't think that I get everything that I need. I think it's selfish to Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole for me to talk about other issues in an, a, a meeting because there may be somebody who's there for the first time that doesn't want to hear about other things and has a right not to hear about other things. And I think it's especially selfish to those other fellowships because they don't grow, because everybody's just hanging out in a, A and, and they carry the same message. They all use our big book,

umm, and, and if at least the fellowships that I go to. And if you don't have any meetings like that do like I did when I moved to Sedona and my wife, we started one it, it's really just that simple. And our, our, actually our, our CA meeting is growing tremendously because it, it didn't exist and we're carrying a message and people get to address that. So

off the soapbox about that. And so I am shy and, and, and my heroes were the people that were drinking and, and I would look out the window and want to be just like them. And

in fifth grade of school, we would go out for lunch and

those guys would be hanging out in behind the handball courts and the teacher would say, when we go out for lunch, stay on this side of the schoolyard. Don't go over there where those people are. Stay away from there. And of course, as soon as she would turn her head, that was beeline it right for where they were. And I started drinking that young and my school grade started to go down and I was about to get left back in fifth grade and my parents were moving and they had the first, what was going to be of many meetings about Bart and

the the school decides to promote me

and go to the new school. And that whole summer when we moved, I, I rode my bicycle, wasn't that far back to the old neighborhood and didn't meet any new friends in the new neighborhood and continued to learn how to drink more. And, and I really it became just an important part of my life. I finally became where I feel OK when I'm drinking. And

so that's why I did that whole summer and went back to

school in the new school, went to the new school and it was, it was day one and I was scared to death because I didn't know anybody there. And my parents had a little closet, the front door with, with, with alcohol in it. And I snuck into the closet and I took a bunch of swigs and got that ease and comfort and, and I went off to school and I made it through the day. And, and I believe that the only reason I made it through the day was because of that alcohol. And so that's what I did every day

now I became where every day I had to swing down some alcohol to to go to school. And eventually I found kids that were doing the same thing, you know, drinking at school. And

I drank different. You know, we after school, we would go out and get drunk and, you know, the kids would make it home and you'd find me, you know, laying in my own pee at the golf course and, you know, or starting fights with people I had no business starting fights with. And I was drinking different.

And at that young age, I was already saying to myself, you know, I want to be like everybody else. I just, I just want to fit in. I didn't know how to make friends. And I would do really stupid things when I drank and I didn't want to. I just loved what drinking did for me. But I didn't want to have the consequences that I was already having. And but they kept coming and eventually

I was asked at school because of the trouble. There was a woman who came from

like a alcohol and drug program, a separate school, and she would come in once a week. And I had to go see this woman.

And the second threat of my consequences was that if I continue to get in trouble, if I continue, if they found liquor in my locker, if I get caught, you know, drinking in the schoolyard or in the bathroom, that was going to be thrown out of school and put into Project 25 as a full time student. And now I had already met friends. And the only part of that that scared me was that I'd be going to a new school and have to meet friends again. And I don't want that to happen. But I didn't want to give up the alcohol either. So eventually I became full time student at Project

25

and there I didn't learn anything either. And the drinking started to get worse and the trouble started to get worse. And before I knew what I was on what's called pins, petition person need a supervision and, and now the courts, you know, my, my parents provided a very nice home, you know, even when they had separated and, and finally divorced and it was a nice home. It was, it was different. I mean I had a sister who died very young

and my mother became over loving, overbearing and my father became cold as ice and I assumed today that it was because they lost the child. Maybe it's just their personalities. They weren't alcoholic,

but

that's the kind of home I was raised in and has nothing to do with why I'm alcoholic. And

so I became a person of need of supervision in the courts for telling me now where I was going to live. And now I would be put in shelters in Brooklyn, NY. And in shelters, I would sneak out at night and I would go drink night training with the bums on the corner and, you know, and then sneak back into the shelters. And I would get caught. And then I would be put into, you know, a detention home where there was bars. And I just read that they had recently closed one of my regular juvenile jail Spofford. And

this is the things that I gave up

to drink. I gave up my freedom from an early age. I gave up a nice home from my early age just because I wanted to drink. I loved my mother to death. She would stand at the at the front door, 120 lbs soaking wet, my mom and she would cry hysterically. Please don't leave this house. I don't want to lose another child. And I would physically pick her up and throw away from the door and go out and get drunk. And you know, she'd either get a phone call from the Police Department, right? Come home a bloody mess or it was never good. And if she

my drinking, then, you know, night stands would go flying. And, you know, don't mess with my drinking. Don't address it. Just leave me alone.

So most of my my youth was being put into these detention homes because of my drinking. I went to a place upstate New York, Hawthorne, in, in I think it was 1978. And there I was there for 18 months.

And while I was there,

the the counselors would tell me the same thing that counselors at every place told me that I seem like a nice kid and if I just didn't drink, I would be OK. And I don't know about you, but when you're told if you just don't drink, you'll be OK, you don't hear another word after that because we believe that it's only when we drink that we're OK. So for some strange reason,

I realized how many birthdays and how many holidays I miss with friends and family because I'm being locked up in these places. And it may be the alcohol has something to do with it. So when I go home this time, I'm not going to drink, you know, like I was. I didn't say I wasn't going to drink, but I wasn't going to drink like I was. No more trouble.

So I came home and I went to the high school for the first day

and you know, mind you, all these years it hasn't been regular school. So I wasn't getting much of an education. And now they're throwing me back into regular high school. And I was called out of the homeroom and and put into the Deans office day one. And Dean sat me down. He takes out my records and he says, you know, going to be watching you and if you cause any trouble in this school, you're out.

Well, I knew that wasn't going to go over well. So I just got up and I walked out and I and I went home and I talked to my mother and I said, look, they're not giving me a chance at this school. I'm not going to make it. Do you think maybe I can call my father and, and go work for him and you guys could sign me out of school? And she said I'll talk to him. And they discussed it and they decided that would probably be best. So

when I spoke to my daddy, he said he would come sign me out of school and I'd work for him. And I, you know, he, he whose partners in in some stores and that he would put me in a store not too far from the house.

And, and I, I was really excited about that.

So I woke up day one for work and I felt like I had arrived. I felt like I'm going to make my family proud. I'm a working man. Life is going to be good, you know, put the past behind me. And I never felt better in my life. And it was, it was a cold October morning the week of my birthday. And I'm standing at the bus stop and

really excited about going to work. And a, a friend of mine comes over and he said, hey, your birthday's this week. I got a present for you. And he gives me a little bottle of Jack Daniels. And I put it in my coat. And I said, this weekend I'm going to celebrate my birthday. And then I'm a working man

and, you know, all good things. And it started to get a little cold at the bus stop. So I figured, well, just a little swiggle, warm me up. And then I'm on the bus and I'm getting really scared about going into work. So I proceeded to Polish off this little bottle of Jack Daniels and I walked into work for the first day and made a complete fool of myself and of my father. And that wasn't my intention.

My intention was to make my family proud and to do the right thing.

So I wasn't drinking to get over anything. I was drinking because of what I learned here, that phenomena of craving. You know, I took just an innocent little swig to get warm and set off that phenomena of craving. And that's the only way that I could drink.

The troubles got a lot worse, and they're really not important. But as I got older, the law troubles and everything proceeded to to also get worse with my age. And a lot of that isn't really important. But I guess around 1987 I was hanging out at a house.

It had some pretty bad nicknames. There wasn't a person in in

Queens that would walk near this house that was a regular civilian

and nothing good went on there. And one of the brothers there were there were four brothers that owned the house and two of them were away in prison and two of them were living home. And one of them wasn't really hanging out with us anymore. And, you know, we all own motorcycles and none of them ever left the garage because we were just too busy drinking. And, and Warren all of a sudden was showing up with new friends. He was going into the garage and starting his bike and taking off. And, you know, I was pretty close to Warren

one morning. I went up to and I said, you know where you've been going, what's going on? And he said, you know, I couldn't, I can't live like this, like this anymore. And I've been going to a A and I've been that's nice. Take these

you know, a a had been mentioned to me all these years, but you know, I didn't believe in God and God has written all over. So I I just totally ignored it. I was, I got here complete atheist

anyway, so I just shrugged it off. And

every once in a while I would talk more to Warren about it. And I had a, I had a pretty bad night and one night and, and I called Warren, I said, I think I want to go to one of these meetings. And he said, well, I'll tell you where there is one tonight that, you know, I think you'll feel real comfortable. I'm not going, I got to go to work. But if you really want to get sober, go to this meeting. So I wrote down the address and I'm sweating it out all day. Do I really want to do this shit? And

eventually I, I got in my car and I drove to where the meeting was and I got there really early and I parked the car and it was in a school. And I'm just walking around the school

scared to death. Really not sure if I want to do this second doubting it. And the guy sees me and he comes over to me and he says, are you looking for the AAA meeting? And I said, yes. And he said, come with me. I'm setting it up. So I just followed him in and still, you know, scared to death. And they see he starts putting up the shades and putting out pamphlets and setting up chairs. And, you know, and I'm just looking down, sitting one of the chairs. And he walks over and he hands me this little blue card and he says, hey, you want to read this? And I said, yeah, sure. So now people are starting to walk into the.

And I can't look anybody in the eye, so I'm just reading this blue card over and over and over and over. And the meeting starts and he says to read the preamble we have Bart. And my heart dropped right out of my toes. I thought he was just giving me something to do. I had no idea you had to read this out loud. And I spent what felt like the next five hours, but it couldn't have been more than 5 minutes planning my escape.

Because if this is what you have to do is read stuff out loud,

it's not for me. And I snuck out of the meeting and I got lost in the school and I couldn't find my way out. I had no idea how he walked in. And it was a nightmare. And I finally heard them talking and I I saw where the meeting was and, and I leaned out in the hallway and I figured when the meetings over, I'll just follow them out and I'll go drink myself to death.

And

the meeting ended and, and they came outside and a bunch of guys surrounded me

and started talking to me and said, hey, why don't you come out to the diner with us after? You know, we're all going out to the diner and we might go to movies after. And I had a million things to do, you know, a million excuses why I couldn't go with them and they wouldn't accept one of them.

So I ended up going to the diner with them and, and that was my

entrance into Alcoholics Anonymous and

life started to get good. I'll rewind a little while. I was hanging out at that house. I had married my first wife, the detox nurse, thinking that was going to keep me sober. That was attempt. That was attempt number one. I left that out.

We had now been divorced and

I met my second wife and her sister was in the program and I met a lot of their friends and we got married and we had a daughter. And you know, I swore

this daughter would never have a drunk for a dad. And you know, I'm going to make a go of life. And, and I didn't know how to handle all of these good things sober, not drinking. Life can get really good, but this drunk doesn't know how to handle any of those really good things without drinking. So one by one, I would throw all of those things out the window and eventually and I went on another mad tear

and I swore that a, A just didn't work.

And, and this tag got really bad. And

one night I was in a neighborhood that I really didn't belong in and starting a fight with some people that I had no business starting a fight with. And, you know, I was pretty lucky that they didn't cut me up and put me in a dumpster. And in this rage of anger that I was in, I ended up back in a meeting with you guys. And it was a meeting that I had never been in. And I thought it was in almost all the meetings in Queens and I was never at this meeting. And it was, it was called the Utopia Young People's Group. And there were a lot of young people there and they were happy

and laughing like we were laughing last night. Just love and sobriety and love in life. And I didn't get it. And they were going out to the city, you know, at night after it was we had a Friday night beginners meeting. And after the meeting, they go into Manhattan and they would go to clubs, you know, where, where liquor is served and bands are playing and they're just dancing and having fun and not even noticing that they're in a bar. And the time that I was dry, I couldn't do that,

you know, I couldn't walk into a bar and not want to drink, you know, and if I walked into a bar and I took somebody with me, we'd have to leave. And I would be selfish and say, I can't stay here. I'm really uncomfortable. And the only thing I could figure out was that they just weren't as alcoholic as I was. And that's why they could do this. But as I got to know them, I realized they were, and, and there was a guy, Audie, who was celebrating his one year anniversary. And, and Audie was, was on fire all the time and, and talking about God and talking about this program and, and he was

celebrating his one year anniversary and his sponsor was speaking for him. And his sponsor was absolutely hysterical in the way he was describing what it was like, very animated.

And I was laughing and I was having fun. And, you know, and that plays a big part in what we do here. And he really had my attention. And then he started to talk about being recovered. And then he started talking about going where anybody else can go without danger, living a normal life.

I tried that in a A and that ain't true. And he's lying. And I started to get really pissed off, and I mean, really angry. And I looked at Audie and I said, that just sponsor speaking, isn't it? And he said, yeah, I said tonight I think you should find a new one.

And and he said why? And I said I'm going to kill him.

And I meant it and already looked at me with a big grin on his face. And he said I'm sure he would love to talk to you.

So we set up a meeting

to meet with him the next day. And he had, he had owned a recovery store, store that sold coins and books and, and that kind of stuff. And, and that's where I was to meet him. And I, and I drove to where the stall was the next morning, planning on killing this guy. And he saw me park my car. He was standing out in front of the store and I watched him walk in and he went behind the counter 'cause he heard I was coming to kill him.

And he sat there for about two hours. We visited, he talked about what it was like. He went into all the real war stories. He went into talking about how bad he didn't want to drink and he couldn't not drink and, and, and you know, the consequences, the things that he gave up. For about two hours I sat there listening and go, Yep, that's me, that's me. And eventually I said, well,

how are you not doing that anymore? And, and how are you claiming you're recovered and you know that you can do all these things now.

And he just went, I'm glad you finally asked. He had me

and he said if we follow the 1st 164 pages as a way of life that are in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, that I would get all of those promises and even more. And I said, well, 5th grade was about as much schooling as I ever did. I never read a book in my life and I hear that book is pretty outdated and boring. I don't think it's going to be my first, but thanks anyway. And he he came around from the counter as I was walking out the door and he grabbed me at the shoulder. And he said, not so fast. I'll tell you what,

together, the only stupid question is the one you don't ask. And I live by that today, even for myself.

This is when you identify the things, we'll talk about them. We're going to get to a point in that book that you're not going to identify to a damn thing in it, and you're going to learn how to practice those things for the rest of your life. Fair enough. And when we read that book and we got into the doctor's opinion. Now, you people always told me these wisecracks, like, just don't pick up the first one. You won't get drunk. I didn't understand it, you know, but I learned this phenomena of craving,

Learn why I can't have just one drink. You know why my body is different than other people? Why the other kids were going home after getting, you know, drunk, but not like I got. And I couldn't pull that off.

And I felt relieved. I know. I finally know what's wrong with me. Well, he said. Well, let's keep reading.

And we got into the chapters where it talks about the problem centering in the mind and how a sick mind can't fix a sick mind.

The obsession to drink. I related to that. You know, I mean, I would, I would pace my, my, my carpet out trying to say, you know, I just can't drink today. I just can't drink today. And eventually it was blow my brains out or just take a drink and get that ease and comfort. So I understood what the obsession was and it scared the hell out of me. You know, I believe that every alcoholic has to hit the same bottom

that our bottoms aren't the jails,

the institutions, the loss of family. the IT was, it was discussed last night and it really hit me. All bottom is when we feel it in the gut, when we admit to our innermost self that were alcoholic. And in order to do that, we need to know what an alcoholic is. That's when it hit me, when I knew what an alcoholic was, you know, in, in when I was in that place for 18 months. I knew in my head that something's got to happen without this drinking.

You know, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time in 1987, I knew in my head and I knew in my heart that this drinking has got to stop. But it wasn't enough. When I finally read, started to read this book and learned what an alcoholic was, I knew it in my innermost self. I knew it in my gut. It hit me like the doctor said, you've got one day to live. You know, I was sick to my stomach and I was willing to do anything,

and that was my bottom. And I think that's the bottom that all of us have to hit if we're going to be desperate enough

to do the rest of this way of life, which is pretty sick in itself, being that this is such a great way of life and we need to and we need to have this kind of convincing to live it. But that's alcoholism at its best.

So we got into we agnostics and you know, the spiritual malady is our biggest problem and that we straighten out spiritually. We straighten out mentally and physically that we can't treat the the physical craving that'll never go away. We can't treat the mental obsession because a sick mind can't sick treat a sick mind. But the mind is fed by the spirit. You know, the mind doesn't think on its own. And you know, the speakers all, all, all weekend. And thank you for such a great job. I mean, my cup got so filled this weekend by

is the Spirit has to be healed for us to start thinking straight. And I had a problem with that because I didn't believe in God. But our second step is so beautifully designed in Alcoholics Anonymous that we don't have to believe in a God or a higher power to move on. We just have to be willing to believe. And I was so desperate that I would do anything. So I became willing to believe that maybe

there's something

and we discussed what the third step meant.

And I believe today that that's the most important decision that we can make in our entire life.

I, I became willing to bear witness of God's power, God's love, and God's way of life if it worked for me. I didn't believe it would, but I was willing to bear witness if it did work. And here I am. That's why I'm here bearing witness because it's not what I like to do, but I made that agreement in the third step that if it worked for me, I would do it. So that's how I get here.

So we did that third step.

We thought about it. Well, I thought about it well, agreed to do it. We said the third step and we got quiet for a little while and he handed me a pen and a piece of paper and he said write everybody that pisses you off. And I was like everybody

and everything and every place. And I did that. It was pretty simple. This is a very simple program. It's not easy like it says, but it is very simple. And I just rolled all of those things down. And he said, well, here's the fun part,

right? Why that was easy, mother. He said, just write it real short, just so you have an idea. And I wrote it. How does it affect you? And we talked about how it affects me and I wrote them down. And then where are you to blame in these? And you know, that part of the fourth step. And I'm a step worker and I, I continue to write a lot of inventories and it gets real clear to me more and more as I write them that in the beginning it was really difficult to put aside

what others had done and looked to see where I'm to blame. But today it's a lot easier. I don't have to point the finger. I don't have to live in column one and two. All I have to be responsible for is my spiritual malady. If I'm affected because of myself esteem, where am I to blame in that? If my pride is affected, where am I to blame in that? If my ambitions, where am I to blame in? That has nothing to do with column one and column two.

The book is pretty clear, but it's the hardest thing to do. Put out of our minds completely what they did,

where am I to blame in living Spiritually sick today, column three. That's where we're to blame.

I have amazing, you know, God speaks through people. And I had an amazing experience about a month ago. I do a big book workshop at a men's sober house in Prescott every Monday. I've been doing it for a little over three years now. And we were up to this, this part of the fourth step. And I had made a comment that there is no resentment, that we don't have a blame in nothing.

And this one guy says, well, I disagree with that. And how the hell did you get over that? Your best friend was shot by a drive by right in front of you. How do you get over that? And the only answer that I came up with is, I don't know right now, but we'll visit after the meeting because, you know, that's not something you can just come up with an answer. And we visited after the meeting, actually, I got involved with talking a whole lot of other people. And this guy wanted an answer. So he came over to me and he says, are we still going to talk about that? And I said, yeah, let's go outside and we'll discuss.

So we, we went through the 1st 3 columns and we, we, we, we did a fourth column and he got a little bit free, but he wasn't totally free. And, and we need to be totally free. And I got quiet and I said, God help me with this, please. This guy is going to die. He is such an unbelievable resentment of this that he, that he's not going to stay sober if he doesn't get free. God help me. And all of a sudden I yelled at the top of my lungs and I have no idea what I said,

but I just screamed in this guy's face and he started bawling like a baby. And he said that's exactly what my friend would have said to me. And he got free. God speaks through us. I don't know what I said, but whatever it was, it had something to do with it. His friend just wanted him to live on.

The guys still free today. We finished the rest of this fifth step this week

and went through the rest of the steps and, and, and he's ready to go out and show others. But that's, that's the power that happens here. You know, God works through us. You know, my third step was pretty interesting because, you know, we offer ourselves to God and I know I didn't offer much, but

but he uses whatever, whatever we leave him, you know, and I believe that, you know, my whole life I was told you're never going to be nothing, You're never going to be nothing.

You know, your piece of garbage, you're never going to be nothing. And now look, I'm up on a stage in an anonymous program.

It doesn't get better than that. Best job in the world working for God. It just doesn't get better than that. So I shared my fifth step with with with this sponsor and and I got pretty free and you know, I spent the hour

and in that hour I began to know

who I'm not and who God is. I was number longer atheist or agnostic.

I didn't understand God. And by the way, my third step prayer was God as you understand them and I don't. That's how I understood God, but I don't. 18 years later I still don't really understand God. But God is everything to me. God is everything,

everything and I and I just can't understand that, but I see him working all the time.

Did the 6th and 7th step, Fred did the 8th step, made that list of everybody at home. That was pretty easy. He just said, write everybody, you know, and then we'll figure out how you home them.

And that's what I did.

And I went out and made all the amends. You know, there were a lot of them that I couldn't find. And quite a few of them got put into my life that that first wife that I had, the detox nurse, she had a son. This woman was third, was 10 years older than me and she had a son that was 10 years younger than me. And

I was very abusive to both of them in my drinking and I was online at the bank and six foot four young man is standing in front of me and he turned around. I knew it was him. Got to put him in my life. And I and I, I said, Steven, I'd like to talk to you know, he knew exactly who I was when we leave the bank. Would you be willing to do that? And we actually got the hug after And I said, I really would like to talk to your mom. Here's my phone number.

And he ended up calling me back. And she said just stay out of her life. That's all she wants. Continue to stay out of her life. So I did, and that's how I made that amends. You know, not all of them work out the way we want them, but they work out the way they're supposed to.

I believe those, those promises are not the nights that promises. I believe they're the 8th and 9th step promises. They say, let's now look at steps 8:00 and 9:00 and then the promises are in there. And I got free in the eighth step. When I was willing to make all of those amends, the fears fell from me. I was able to make a living and, and, and act out, you know, normally in society,

all of those promises came true for me immediately when I was willing to do that in the eighth step.

What I did in the ninth step was got to witness them get free.

And I think that's what it's about. It's not a selfish program. I cause a lot of harm to a lot of people and a lot of people had a lot of hate for me and I got an opportunity to go out and set them free of that hate. And that's what I believe. The 8th and 9th step, that was my experience with it. There was a girl who, you know, when I was locked up on a regular basis, would come visit me and then I would come back out and be extremely abusive to her. And then I get locked up again and she would come and visit me and another one I couldn't find.