The 60th Gopher State Roundup in Bloomington, MN

My name is Kelvin Daniels. I'm an alcoholic

that obnoxious hello that everybody just heard is what we do at my Home group and and there's a lot of people here supporting me tonight. So I've got a lot of friends from the Dakotas and and people that have come here to support support Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd save me, but I'm nothing without this. So if for those people that came over to support me, if you guys could just give a just stand up real quick. So I'd like to guys have you guys recognize.

Herschel Walker,

I look more like a fat Vin Diesel.

Anytime you get this, anytime you get asked to go somewhere, you always end up hearing things from from people. People always say, well, we're going to pick you up at the airport. And so I spoke in Kentucky last weekend and the, the guy when, when you hear North Dakota

and I show up in Kentucky,

it is not what you expect that they're expecting something more of an Ollie or spend looking not Tyrone. And,

and, and my, my, my new friend Mark Marks, my host for all of you that have hosts, you guys kind of lost out because you didn't get Mark. He's the man. And Mark said, well, what, what you know, I, I've never met you before. What do you, what do you look like? And, and I've quit. I've quit trying. You know, I've started describing myself in the correct way. Look for a guy who's full of fear, self, ego,

lust,

and, and, and trying to hide it underneath some kind of false confidence that comes across as friendly and you'll see me. And that's kind of what I've ended up being. I've ended up being this person that all my life I've always been this guy that's that's always tried to put something out in front of people that wasn't really true. Because I was really afraid of what I was.

And if you got to know me for what I really was, you would not only not want to be with me, you wouldn't have anything to do with me.

And it, it's intimidating. I've, I've heard people be honest up here this weekend. And it's, it's intimidating to be in front of people that you've, that you've watched from the time that you were young in sobriety and then you get to talk next to them in a convention like this. And it's intimidating to to see people that you know, are, are spiritually light years ahead of where you've ever planned on being. You know, and, and the stories that some of these speakers have, I mean, you hear somebody.

All I have to say is is is if you missed last night,

go buy some discs. OK? Because it means

and if and if you missed earlier today, the same thing and, and and it and it's unnerving enough. But when you have a guy you sponsor that's with you, come up to you after the second speaker last night after Scott spoke, he goes, man, what are you going to do?

And I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes Teresa and then Scott, he goes. You have to make stuff up, man.

And, and so I thought I'd tell you about the the time I survived the drive bys in North Dakota's.

Our Dr. Bys aren't quite like your drive bys. They're more like drive by yellings.

Your mom's fat

and

that's more what we have A

and, and the reason why we don't have more gunplay in the state is because if you're not a member of the NRA, we ask you to move out. And,

and so when I, when I started looking at this stuff, I've been in this position my whole life of trying to match up and, and try to try to outdo and out be better. It's I've spent my entire time listening to your story for about 15 seconds so I can figure out a way to one up it and try to sound better than you are, try to be better than you are. And I that happened from the time I was young until the time I I was riding with my first sponsor in the car and. And he goes, oh, man. Did you watch Jay Leno last night, Janet Jackson

on there? And I'm like, oh, yeah, man, she looked really good. And he goes, yeah, she was wearing that red dress. And I'm like, oh, yeah, it was really hot. He goes, you idiot, She was wearing a black dress. You didn't even watch Jay Leno. Why do you have to always lie? And

he loved me into sobriety. Lots of hugs.

And I'll tell you,

I came to my first Gopher State roundup in May of 1997, and I was on probation at the time. I don't

and I and it's one of those things where I should have never been able to come here. I should have never been able to show up at this event. I had been given this lady named Jackie and, and Jackie had a 70% violation rate. So if you messed up, you were gone. Jackie just sent you back. And, and because of the work I was doing with a sponsor at the time

that he told me, I had to go in and shake her hand, you know, and he said I had to thank her for her time and all. I remember when he said that

was what do you mean thank her for her time? I pay probation fees. I'm not thinking this lady for anything. And

And he said shake her hand and and I and I did what I was told and I put my hand out and she tried to reach underneath the desk. I thought she was gonna shoot me. And

as a result of it, I had, I had five felonies hanging over my head when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. And by the time I was almost three years sober, Jackie looked at me and she said, you're not a criminal. And I'm looking around and I'm like, who is she talking to?

And she said with all the stuff that you've been doing in Alcoholics and I'm sure they've never seen anything like it before. She said we're going to run all those felonies concurrent on a deferred imposition, a sentence, and we're going to run everything back dated. And you don't have to say it's your felon.

And that started by being able to come to places like this and do things like this. And, and this is some of the small action that I took initially. This place has a special place in my heart because of it.

And I'm not, I'm not the guy that should be here. I'm not the guy that should be anywhere besides where people like me go. And I didn't know where I was going to be because when I was a kid, I just felt awkward. I felt funny. I felt disconnected from the world around me. It seemed like everybody had something going on that I didn't. And for my earliest memory, I remember having this hole in my gut. And it's the kind of hole when you look at me, you look through me,

you kind of hole when, when when you look in my direction, I don't matter.

And some of those speakers talked about, you know, their family life and things like that. I grew up in a very abusive home. I grew up in, in, in the kind of place that that it felt like there was conditions and everybody, any bit of love that seemed to come out from them. And there was a lot of physical abuse and there was a lot of a lot of emotional abuse. And I was one of those people that that if you when I started seeing the well meaning people and they started trying to dig into all that stuff,

it was it was always one of those types of things that,

that I was always trying to figure out something to play the game. So I was always going to tweak this here or turn that there or do something else. But all I know is, is that that there was a piece of me missing and I didn't know what that was. When I came to alcohol synonymous, I found out everything that was ever wrong with me. I found out that I was restless, irritable and discontented by my nature, and that I would be that way until I found the solution of alcohol by the time I was between 12 and 13 years old.

And this restlessness when when I say I'm restless, I've just got this

thing in me that I just know what's going to be better over there. And I just know what's

they've got something better going on. And, and my sponsor gave me the best example of it ever heard. If you ever watch a dog lay down, they circle and they circle and they drop. I'm a dog that can't find its spot. I'm always looking for something better. And Speaking of dog, I know some people have been teasing me.

I have a Shih tzu with me this weekend and I know when you look at me I do not look like a Shih tzu owner. I should have rottweilers in pitbulls and things called like crush and cannibal and killer.

Her name is Lily and

my wife and my daughter in Kansas City, MO this weekend. And, and my daughter is a, is a gifted young athlete and, and she's playing on a, on a boys premiere soccer team. And,

and I didn't know, you know, apparently some of you got asked two years ago. They called me like 18 months ago. So apparently I was more available than you, but I didn't know 18 months ago that I was going to be speaking at Gopher State. So I, I said, yes, absolutely. And then this tournament comes up and and we don't have anywhere to take the dog because everybody, as you can tell, is here.

So my wife asked me to bring the dog

and I went. I can't bring a Shih tzu to go for state. What are people going to think?

So Matt, the dog whisperer staying in the room, he's one of the guys have been blessed to have in my life for over six years. And, and, and, and the other guys that are staying there too with Adam and, and Rory and all of them and, and, and they've all been taking turns taking the dog for a walk, which is really cool, especially if you're a single guy, because apparently girls like cute little dogs.

And she has a little like pink vest thing that has a little clip on the top because the collar doesn't will hurt her little neck. And

they they're like, I'll take the dog for a walk next, you know, so they're all like volunteering. They're getting in line rock, paper, scissor to see if you do it next. And during

during Curie's talk this morning, I came up to her before it started. I said, listen, my daughter starts playing at 9:10 AM this morning, your talks at 9:30. If you see me looking at my phone, I'm paying attention to you. I'm just getting updates on the game. I'm sorry. And she goes, if you see you pull your phone up, I'm going to lay you out in front of everybody and ask you why you're on your phone in a a meeting.

And then she smiled and I went, you know, so be happy to know that they won the first game this morning, 2:00 to 1:00. And she she hit the go ahead goal and and scored in that game

and the the second game they lost three to five.

And tomorrow they have to play a team from Texas.

I had a kids from North Dakota get to play kids from Texas. You know, I mean, it's they're going to get killed. I mean, we have snow on the ground like 17 months a year, you know, I mean, it's it's crazy. And they're like year round the dodge and rattlesnakes and scorpions. I mean, if they're not good with a soccer ball, then you know they're going to get bit. And

I just know that, that, that it's going to be really funny sitting through, sitting through the rest of this thing, knowing that I am where I'm supposed to be

because Teresa gets up here and I'm complaining about it. You know, I'm complaining about the fact that I got to miss this great thing. And it's, you know, the third highest rank ranked national tournament in the country. And, and it, I should be there. And, and, and I'm complaining. And Theresa says that her dad, she gets an ICU call and, and her dad's going in. She doesn't know if he's going to make it another 24 hours, but she came to go for state. So I quit complaining and

I came here,

but this restlessness that I've felt my whole life doesn't seem to get fixed. It just just just grinds on me and I don't seem to be able to reach out and find exactly I'm supposed to be. And, and on top of that, I have this irritability about me. I have a tendency to talk to people through my teeth a lot when they're not doing my will. And, and if if people, people I, I just, I notice things that that they they're getting paid twice as much money doing half the work I am. I just know it and I'm getting screwed by

everybody and I just, I just, I just feel like this inside and what I need is a drink when I'm like that. But when I'm, when I feel this kind of just tightness in my body and I just can't seem to do that. And it, and it doesn't go away when you get sober and you get into a a because it translates from talking to you through your teeth to people to sharing at them in meetings, you know,

you share directly at them because you're going to make sure that they fix it, you know, because you do everything right and they don't.

And, and I have this discontentment about me, this discontentment that I seem to feel is

even if I get the things I want, they're not enough,

no matter what it, and I'll explain it to you in, in, in two ways. First thing is this, they said there's what 8400 people registered. I know that there's a bunch of them not watching me tonight.

That hurts my feelings.

They were here for you, Saint Paul, because he was the main Saturday night. Speaker And I'm about the escalator and I hear these guys going. I don't know if we're going to go to the 10:00. Speaker I don't even know this guy. Paul did a great job and they were going to go play hacky sack, you know,

and I fine

discontented. And

the other form of discontentment I have is in relationships with people

and I have rules on how you're supposed to treat me. It's treat me like this, act like this towards me, do these things for me, be this, be that, be this, be that. And they try to start doing that and they get close and I change the rules and I require more of them. And I and I and I, they get closer, they close and I change the rules and I require more of them again. And before I realize it's such a separation between me and the people in my life that there's no way possible that they can manage the void. And they're looking at me wondering when is enough enough. And I'm looking down at them wondering if if you just love me more, if you just did the things that I would ask you to do

would get along just fine. And I emotionally wear people out. I destroy people's lives because of the requirements that I place on them. I didn't know what that was until I got an alcoholic synonymous. They told me I was playing God. I had no, I had no idea what the things I was doing was were. I had no idea what they were. All I knew is is that I seem to not be able to connect with people. And this is before I ever took a drink and before I ever took a drink. I am sitting there

and I'm going through this whole entire thing and I just feel so much. I'm so sensitive. I'm so, so perceptive of what things seem to be. And my perception is my reality. And I come here and you tell me I have a perception problem. So therefore my reality is a problem. And there is nothing about me that is true or real. And I don't know what the hell I am. And I've been like that my entire life. And I was like that into sobriety because I didn't understand what it was to be literally loved

until I got here. And I always thought you were shining me on, and I always thought you were going to change the rules. And I always thought it was going to come up a different way.

And that's never been the case. I have been loved in Alcoholics Anonymous in ways that I never thought possible. And, and there's some friends of mine here from Wisconsin and I got asked to speak in Eau Claire and when I was in 6th grade. Now, here's another thing. You know, if you're referring to things from 6th grade and you are damn near 40, that you have had resentments. And

I am in 6th grade and I had this and, and, and I'm this kid that has trouble with keeping his own personal space. I am this kid that has trouble with with, with just being still where I am because I'm I don't have a drink and this restlessness that I have and this irritability they have and all of these things, all these parts of pieces of me that are so

just maladjusted in the environment that I grow up in. I don't know how to handle relationships with people.

So as a result, I'm in trouble a lot. As a result, I'm not the kid. First of all, if there's anybody in here as an educator, do not punish a kid by taking recess away if they are anything like me. Because now you've just taken their only physical release and you've left them even more bottled up than they are. And what they did is they made me copy the dictionary every day. So I didn't go to, I did not go to recess from 2nd to 5th grade except for like 3 times.

And what that is, is when you do, and I say three times because they keep giving me a chance.

That's like

taking this pack of wild dogs that has been caged up and dropping a steak there and going, ah, don't touch it. Of course, if you put me out in that environment, I'm going to lose it. I'm going to react the way I've always reacted because I'm doing all of these things and I don't know how to connect. I don't know how to be where I am. And as a result of it, by the time I'm in 6th grade, I am just crazy. And I'm sitting there in this environment and this teacher,

and I'm going to leave his name off in case he ever comes in so I don't have to make amends for blasting him

what is called Mr. N. And Mr. N went through and he said nobody here has to give anybody a Valentine that doesn't want to. It's Valentine's Day and we're going to have a Valentine's decoration box set. And we're going to have, we're going to have this contest. And whoever gets the best contest is going to get this box of chocolates. And so I go through and I just throw myself into this because I want to win because I'm competitive. And I take this box and I put the slit in the top and I put GI Joes on it

with Kung Fu grip and guns and it's going to be shoot me Valentine, You know, I mean, I got this whole thing figured out, right? So I go up there and I put everything down and I go home and I've got resentments in 6th grade and I am telling my mom that I am not giving one to them and one to him and one to her. And she says to me, Kelvin, come on, how would you feel if nobody gave you a Valentine?

I will tell you exactly how that feels.

They said go. I got up and I ran and I dropped all the Valentine's and all the boxes all the way around the whole entire classroom. And I got back to my box and I picked it up and it was a little light. I took the top off and there wasn't one, not even from the teacher. Not even the teacher gave me a Valentine.

And I was crushed. And I don't know how you handle things like that.

I just cried and I ran out of there and I and I'm destroyed. And this is sitting with me and I tell this story in Wisconsin, in Eau Claire. And the following Valentine's Day, I get a FedEx package at my front door. And I opened this FedEx package up and it is full of Valentine's. I mean, it's like they took they, I know they went to the detox, you know,

and,

and, and they put, they there was, there was Valentine's. I didn't even recognize the names, you know, but it was just full. And, and they didn't get like big cards. They got little kid Valentine's, you know, like the ones that have, have like little pictures on it. And they gave me the little candies that have little things on it that taste like chalk and crap, but it's a good idea. And, and they, they were,

they fixed that in me. You fixed that in me. And I, I don't know how to handle things like that. You fix that in me. You repair things in me that I didn't even know could ever be fixed. You repair things in me that were broken for so long. I didn't even know. I just thought they were going to be that way forever. You make those things better than me.

And by the time I'm getting into school and having these problems and doing all these things, I just, I'm, I'm, I'm an untreated alcoholic. I have alcoholism and I have something wrong with me that later on I did not know how to describe until I got here. And what I learned was this is that when I take a drink, I seem to get thirsty.

And by the time it's a year later after this Valentine's incident, I get a chance to start this drinking deal going great

and I and I take this drink and I don't, I get thirsty. I have something in me that just requires more and I don't seem to have an off switch and I don't know when to stop.

And I come to alcohol synonymous. And I find out that's called the phenomenon of craving and that and that later on and when you're in 7th grade and 6th grade and you've got these things going on, you, you know, we're in North Dakota. You can't drink every day like you can in LA or the barrio or the Bronx or wherever else everybody else drinks when they're three. You know, I mean, I, it, it's not every day at this point in time in my life. And by the time I get to the point that it's like that, I start looking like a guy with a drinking

problem because I'm drinking in the way that people drink when they're like that. I drink with it, with this, with this fierceness. I drink with this unquenchable thirst that doesn't ever seem to shut down.

And by the time that that this has a hold of me and I'm really going heavy in it. I, I have people telling me you should stop and I don't know how to stop. And, and I'm starting to suffer consequences and I start suffering the kind of consequences that you kind of, that you suffer when, when you grow up angry and I, and I got to hurt you before you hurt me.

And and this, I'm in a gym class, we're playing wolf football and I and I and I go and I'm, I'm going to park it, you know, And I swing and I strike out and the teacher laughs.

So I hit the teacher with the bat,

which makes me sound gangster, you know, It was a plastic bat

and all he got was some welts. But you do go to see counselors after the situation like that.

And, and I and I'm, and

these things are starting for me. I'm starting to have to go see people that are trying to start telling me to change my behavior. And I don't know how to change my behavior because the only time I seem to feel OK is when I have a drink or something else in my system. And I've heard people say, I've heard drugs described as outside issues this weekend. I've heard them described it. People talk about singleness of purpose. Somebody said weed and there was 15 judgmental people that stood up and go. That's against the significance of purpose. I don't think we can go to NA

and they freak out and it's a part of my story. And I'll tell you what I one of my friends, Don said I'm going to get in trouble. He said I will take drugs out of my story as soon as you alter the big book and take them out of Doctor Bills or Doctor Bob's and Bill Wilson's and.

And I use everything. I will use anything to get out of my head for a short period of time. I will take anything that I can. And I will try to fill this hole in me that is gaping and I can't seem to get a handle on what it is. And all you do is keep telling me to stop because I look like a guy with a drinking problem. And you think if you remove alcohol from me that I will straighten out, that I will be OK. And I'm not. I am not OK when I don't have something in me

and the consequences start piling up by the time I get it late into high school and get into college and, and,

and I there's they're starting to get worse and they're starting to get bigger. And I'm starting to experience things that that would make normal people stop. People with a drinking problem would stop when their mother looked at them and said

when she looks at them and she says that she's ashamed she ever gave birth to you when you are no longer her son.

When you hear that and you have a drinking problem, you might want to straighten up. When you start waking up out of blackouts covered in blood and you don't know where you've been the night before or where you who's it is because it's not yours, that's enough to stop when you start doing things.

Washing machines look a lot like toilets. They have a lid and it goes up.

Corners look a lot like a bathroom,

and if you pee in a corner, you can always say that. At this point, I always know if there's al Anon participation at a conference because the drunks, they, we laugh and the al anon's get this kind of furred brow and they go, I got to clean that up,

you know, and they, they relive a moment, they relive a moment and, and you can always tell in this moment that that's the case. And I and I love when there's al Anon participation for a few reasons. One, if you can go out right now into this beautiful hospitality area and you can tell without having to look at the sign which one of those

snacks and treats are provided by Al Anon and which ones are provided by a A. The Al Anon ones are all handmade

and their cakes in their cookies and they're great. And the alcoholic ones are the cheapest cookies that you could ever find that somebody bought on the way here because they forgot and somebody called and yelled at them. You can always tell always. And, and, and you start doing things like this and you can see the Al Anons. They, they, they're there, right? And you can tell which ones are sponsored or not because the ones that are not sponsored in Al Anon, when the drunks come in with these crappy little cookies and you know that they're like

from home because they're in a Ziploc baggie and they just threw some in. And the ones the Al Anon's that aren't working a program, they'll be like, come here, you can have my cake here. Don't tell them it's yours

and the ones that are sponsored. Like get your own cake.

Maybe if you were more responsible and did some things, listen to your sponsor, perhaps, maybe, maybe put your head out of your butt, you could probably get a cake

and you can tell who they are. And I and I love Alan on cake and cookies, man good.

And the consequences pile up and they keep piling up and they keep getting worse. And I start rationalizing my behavior. I start saying things like

you're part Irish. When you drink whiskey, you are supposed to beat people up. It is part of your heritage.

Anybody who drinks tequila goes to jail. That is completely OK.

And I don't realize what what these things are, is this obsession of the mind, this other thing that's wrong with me that I can't seem to figure out why I keep drinking again when I know the consequences are looking at me. When I know I've got jail time and felony time and prison time. I know I have these things right here looking me in the face. And I can't seem to stay away from a drink long enough so that those things cease to exist. That I keep getting in trouble and I keep having bad relationships and I keep burning things to the ground. I keep losing jobs and I keep losing friends and my family doesn't want me and my life goes to hell and I can't, I can't stop.

Regardless of what it is in any way, shape or form that you tell me the consequence will be,

it's this little thing that tells me it's going to be different. It's going to be OK. It's because of this, it's because of that, it's because you're with them. It's because you're with her. You know, if you wouldn't have done this, if you wouldn't have been here. And it just keeps telling me over and over again. And it drives me to the point of insanity. And so I look not just like a person with a drinking problem. I also start looking like a crazy person. And I start looking like the kind of person that that you don't want around your family. And I start looking like the kind of person that you don't want

want to be around anyone that you care about or love. And people start distancing themselves from me.

And

I got to the point before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous where I'm losing touch with reality.

And if this has ever been a thought that has happened in your head, I'm sitting there and I'm nineteen, 1920 years old, somewhere in there. And I get this idea after watching a movie that I must be possessed by demons. And so I start cutting myself to let demons out of my body.

If that is your rational thought to try to fix the reason why you have, why you won't quit drinking, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Because that makes sense to me. To me, it makes sense that I'm supposed to lay my flesh open to let something out of me because I can't quit no matter how much I try.

It's ridiculous. That type of stuff looks like a crazy person. So they start sending me to psychologists and psychiatrists, and I had to take an MMPI. And anybody who's taken one of those, you know exactly what the questions are. They ask you the same 4700 questions

in three different ways, and they start asking you things like are you sad? No. Are you depressed? No. Do you have things of unhappiness? Maybe

do you have times we're not as happy as other times? Doesn't everybody? And before I realize it, they've taken off the layers enough where I, I have to eventually tell the truth and the results of of that and psychologists and psychiatrists, they tell me that I am borderline schizophrenic. And I don't know what that really means. If you're much this much more schizophrenic, you really are. If you're this much less, you're not. You only hear voices sometimes, you know, I don't, I don't really get that. They tell me that I have an authority disorder,

that I'm a DD, ADHD,

whatever would be bipolar today,

you know, And of course you look a little bipolar when you get here. I mean, you just took away the only thing that keeps me going when I'm up here. And if you take it away, I'm really down here and I'm just up and down. I'm a roller coaster and you throwing stuff at me and I look like a crazy person. And what I am is somebody who's suffering from alcoholism. What I am is somebody that desperately needs a solution of some type of power in their life. And alcohol and the other things that I do are the only thing that seems to fix it.

But I look like this other people.

And so anything that anybody ever says to me has something to do with me stopping drinking or me stopping doing this or stopping this behavior and quit beating people up and quit hurting people and quit this and quit that and, and, and, and they keep adding to the list.

And I don't know what's wrong.

And by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was AI was a wreck. I was a real piece of work when I got here.

I walked into my first meeting on a Thursday. I hadn't showered since Sunday.

I was working construction. I'm not coming out my work boots for the better part of a week. At times. I'm I'm dirty and I'm filthy. I live like an animal. I'm collecting for drug dealers. If you owe people money, I'm coming. I'm the guy showing up at your door. And I'm emotionally, I'm mentally unstable and I don't seem to have a soul. And I'm hurting people for money.

And I'm doing things to God's kids and seeing things done to God's kids nobody's ever supposed to see or do.

And I had demons and I had things in my head that I didn't think would ever go away. I had things in me that were broken. I think I ever get fixed. And alcoholic synonymous repairs those cracks. It fills those voids and allows me to live free.

And I didn't think that was possible.

And I came to that first meeting and there was a guy there named Francis. And I show up at the cool newcomer time, you know, 759 and 58 seconds for the 8:00 meeting. And as I'm walking up to the door, he's like pushing the last smoker down the stairs. And he puts his hand out and he says, welcome. People don't welcome me at this time in my life. I'm not welcome anywhere. I'm drinking 1/2 gallon of Kharkov a day,

putting any any drug, any pill I can put into my system and anything else that's laying around.

I am, I am, I, I am completely out of touch of reality.

And the thing that's funny is, is, is that I heard people talk about their drinking and I would automatically, completely just shut them out if it didn't seem that they drank the way I drank. They must not be a real alcoholic, you know, And I, I would listen for those differences. I would listen for those little things that people would say and and people would talk about wine coolers or Zima.

I am like what? I do not drink wine coolers or Zima unless there is nothing left

and

then I will and they will be delicious.

Bartles and James is the best.

And this guy take, I go down the stairs and, and this guy named Kenny gets up and he starts sharing his story and, and, and it's the first time I've ever heard anybody say anything that resembles what's really going on in me. It's the first thing that anybody has ever said anything that made sense to me.

First thing, he started talking about how he felt. He started talking about not being able to quit drinking.

And it wasn't like the other people that were involved meeting people in my life that were sitting there trying to tell me to stop and to change these actions and change these things about myself that I can't control. And I got up and I ran out of that meeting and I didn't even wait for it to get over. He got done speaking and I just got up and I, I bailed. I bolted and I grabbed that first drink and I threw it down. I grabbed the second one and my brain did not shut off.

You know, when Theresa talked about feeling betrayed by alcohol, being betrayed by this thing that

that's supposed to have her back and supposed to be there, when she said that, I just kind of. Yeah, yeah, I get that. I know what that's. I know what that feels like when you when you just desperately want your mind to shut down for just just a little bit, just just long enough so you can feel like you can breathe for just a couple of minutes, please. And

it's not shutting down. And the only thing going through my head is you're a loser. God, you're a loser. See, just a few weeks prior to this night, I'm out on a reservation in in Belport, North Dakota,

and my car is gone and I get up in the morning and I need something bad and I'm sick and I'm not doing good. And they say, Oh yeah, they'll be back. They'll be back. They just went to go get stuff

and a guy comes out of the backroom and he takes a couple pieces of bread and he puts them on top of a quart jar and he grabs his pine saw out from underneath the underneath the sink and he pours this pine saw through the bread. It strains down to the quart jar because that's how you purify pine saw. I don't know if anybody knows that, but you put bread on anything and it makes it OK and consumable. And, and he pours his pine salt through the bread and it goes into the courtyard. And then he hands it to the guy next to me, and that guy takes a swig off of it, and the guy next to him takes a swig off of it. And I don't see him pass off,

pass out or fall down or do anything. So I grab it and I just tip it back.

You do not drink pine salt because you need minty fresh breath. You know, you don't do that. You drink it to get something to just shut this off. And I'm sitting there in this night and I'm going. You drink Pine Sol a couple weeks ago, man.

Your family's disowned you. You threw away everything positive in your life. You're going to go to prison. You beat people for money. You're an animal. You don't even shower. You stink, your piece of crap, your garbage. And that's the only thing going through my head over and over and over again

non-stop. It just won't stop. And I make a decision that I'm done drinking and I won't I, I call in sick to work that night because I know if I go to the shop on Friday that, that there's going to be booze there. Because every Friday, see if the kind of place that I work is the kind of place at this point in time that, that you can functionally work as an alcoholic. So if you're going to work Saturday morning, we only get the 8 gallon keg. You know, we get the pony keg if you, if you have to, if, if you don't have to

Saturday, you get the 16 gallon keg and that that's that's acceptable. And re drink every, every single Friday in the shop. And I, I detox over that weekend and I'm throwing up blood and bile and I'm having hallucinations and I and I go into to a seizure and I fall out of my bed and I'm screaming for God to kill me. Just don't let me wake up. Just kill me. And I wake up in the morning and I'm mad at God again. See, that's the problem with somebody like me. When I come to alcohol synonymous, you start telling me I have to have a spiritual solution. You start telling me that I

have this God of my understanding and there is no way possible that that's going to work for me because he only works for good people

and I'm not good people. I'm an animal and I'm crap. I'm letting demons out of my body by laying open my flesh for God's sakes. What the hell?

There's no way possible he wants anything to do with me

and I can't have that in my life. And it's not for lack of knowledge or lack for trying. My dad is Southern Baptist,

right? If anybody has ever been somewhere that is Southern Baptist, they make a joyful noise. They do things that are cool. They got a band, you know, they got drums and a guitar in a church. And it's a really cool place. If you're a kid who can't sit still very much because your parents are going shut up and they're hitting you like this because that's what you do to your kids in church when you're there to celebrate God. And,