An Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book workshop in Plymouth, UK

OK, Welcome back.

Take a reading from the Big Book, page 6. The remorse, horror, and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable. The courage to do battle was not there. My brain raced uncontrollably, and there was a terrible sense of impending calamity. I hardly dared cross the street lest I collapse and be run down by an early morning truck, for it was scarcely daylight, and all like place supplied me with a dozen glass surveil. My writhing nose was stilled at last.

A morning paper told me the market had gone to hell again. Well, so had I. The market would soon recover, but I wouldn't. That was a hard thought. Should I kill myself? No, not now. Then a mental fog settled down. June would fix that. So 2 bottles in oblivion. I'll hand you back over to him. My name is Tim and I'm an alcoholic. Tim

OK, let's just imagine a scenario. This is your morning. You wake up,

your brain is racing uncontrollably. There's a terrible sense of impending calamity. You don't dare cross the street in case you collapse and you're run over by an early morning truck.

And then you phone your sponsor and your sponsor says, just roll the tape forward.

You have a mind which is racing uncontrollably, okay? And you're supposed to sit back soberly and roll the tape forward and imagine what the consequences are and make a rational decision that drinking would be a really, really bad idea.

When I get to this point, I am way past the rolling forward of tapes.

It does hot. It does not work.

But before we get on to that, I want to talk about the physical. The physical craving

is a bit in the doctor's opinion. It says

we have suffered alcoholic torture, must believe that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life number one, that we were in full flight from reality #2 or were outright mental defectives at #3.

These things were true to some extent, in fact to a considerable extent with some of

some of us, but we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete. And this is my problem as 9 1/2 years so. But I've been sober twice as long as I drank for,

and I wasn't sure that I was an alcoholic anymore. I thought, well, perhaps I drank the way I did because I was young. Perhaps I drank the way I did because I was stupid.

Perhaps I drank the way I did because I was just out of control emotionally. Now I've got a life. Why wouldn't I be able to drink normally? Just, I mean, not that I didn't want to get drunk. I mean, I would still want to get if I was going to drink again. I still get drunk every night, but not I wouldn't overshoot

when I was drinking. Pretty much every time I wanted to get drunk,

but I always got more drunk than I intended to.

The first half, the 1st 3/4 of the evening was, was, was fine. It took away the anxiety, it took away the loneliness, it took away the depression. But I always, always overshot. People say sometimes, sometimes in recovery, you hear things and if enough people say it, it's like, it must be true because enough people are saying it. Then you start saying you think, well, if I'm saying it, it's definitely true.

And one of the things they in these people in recovery say is I drank because of the effect.

Well may be true for the first rank. The first string had a staggering effect on me.

I'll come back to that in a second, but OK, we're looking at gin and tonic #16 what effect did that have? None

I I would sit there with. I remember when I was about 18, sitting there with a pint glass full of a little cocktail of my own devising pint glass, gin,

Creme de Mont and Creme de cacao. So chocolate, mint and gin. It was my, it was my. After eight I would call it

and I would drink it. I would, I would drink it down. And I remember my friend Adam saying The funny thing is, is had absolutely no effect on you

and he was ripe. So I was drunk already before I had it. The first drink. This is true. The first drink gets you drunk. I was drunk on the first string and after a few it was like water.

There was this very slow

blurring and then at some point I'd be in blackout or passed out, but I didn't feel any affection. The 14th or the 19th drink. I was just drinking

and I've got to ask myself, well,

the physical craving doesn't doesn't affect the past, it affects the future. If I drank today, what would happen?

And it is a question I need to ask because I see people at 10/15/20 years sober drinking again. Sometimes on the back of the idea, especially people that get into recovery young, there is the belief sometimes that you drank the way you did because you were young.

I need to be convinced that if I drank today,

what always happened will always happen. And every time I drank, if drink was available, if I could, if the supply was secure, I would overshoot. And this was on a good day, This was on a bad day. This was Uno in. I remember having an amazing holiday when I was about 19. It was at one of those little oases in my drinking which was just it was a sensational 6 weeks

in all around Europe with with someone. We were drinking every night, but I would get drunk

and it was sensational. We was, you know, we'd be sitting on a campsite overlooking Florence one day and another town in Italy the next day. There's amazing, amazing weather, amazing scenery below. And you get drunk and you overshoot and you go into the this, this, this dark, tight, narrow place and rage starts to bubble up and you're arguing with someone. You are having this amazing time with 15 minutes.

Why did I? I knew I wasn't stupid. I knew if I went on to the third box of wine I would go to that place, but I went there anyway. I went there despite how it made me feel.

It wasn't because of how it made me feel, it was despite how it made me feel. Why? Why would I? Why would I do the same on my exactly the same On my 18th birthday I massively overshot, ran away from all the people I was with and threw up everywhere. I did not intend to do any of that.

The fact is, once I've had a drink, the whole decision making process gets turned off and I just want more

and nothing can,

nothing can interfere with that. And if you try and get in my way, you're toast.

I don't care who you are. I don't care how much this is going to hurt you.

You're in my way. And I remember a time when I was about 2021 and because of of my family history, my mother's sensitive around people that drink more than is entirely good for them. And I remember creeping down to the larder to get another bottle of wine at about two or three in the morning. And she's a light sleeper. And she barred my way

and I just totally freaked out at her. And I did not. She was a frail old woman. I mean, she was in her. She's in her 80s now. She's small and frail and frightened looking. And I was a monster. And I knew this was against everything within me to be like that, but I just had to have

more.

And I know I'm like design like this with all sorts of other things. I know that mechanism is still there because I started smoking again. I stopped smoking cigarettes once about a year sober. I started again when I was I said cigarettes there just in case, thought it was something else. So at 7 years I started smoking again and it wasn't anything, it was cigarettes.

And

with I mean,

it's not like anyone doesn't know

what cigarettes do to you. It's lack of information ain't the problem there. And I was convinced that because I'd given up easily at the age of 21, a cup, that I had a couple of difficult weeks. But basically I gave up and it was pretty plain sailing. I thought if it gets bad enough, if I decide I want to stop, I will stop. And I tried every day for seven years to stop and I just couldn't. And I watched my father die of lung cancer

throughout this, going out for a fag every 10 minutes.

So when I'm in it, once I've started, nothing is going to get through it.

When I looked at my smoking,

I wasn't in full flight from reality. I knew exactly what I was doing and I looked back at my drinking and in a sense I knew exactly what I was doing.

This could be maladjusted to life. Explain it.

I was mile adjusted to life, greatly maladjusted to life before I started drinking and by the time I got to the end I was about as maladjusted as you can get. But in those brick, in those rare times when everything was going my way and I was happy and I was content, I still did the same thing. It's not like the drinking calmed down then it actually took off and was even worse at times.

So I cannot blame the amount that I drank on being messed up.

Doesn't work. That's why it says this. Is this this answer That there's something physically different about our satisfies us where nothing else will?

And I am convinced that if I drank today, I don't know how long it would take, but I'd be off to the races. And because of, you know, it took me 7 years to stop smoking off the back of one cigarette.

I remember when I started drinking again after a period of sobriety in 1991. I was drunk for a year and a half. I do not know where it's going to go.

So the problem is not having the first drink or drug. So when it says on page 23 that the problem of the alcoholic centers in the mind,

as Chuck would say, it really helps to know what the problem is. The problem is, in my sober mind, by definition the first drink

I'm taking stone cold sober.

And The funny thing is,

yeah, drink

helps it. It comes writhing nerves, whether your nerves are writhing because of the alcohol from the night before. That was certainly the case with me. I would be recovering the next day through to I was a recovering alcoholic or through my drinking. I spent every day trying to recover from the time before. And as soon as I was recovered at about 4:00, I'd have about half an hour

when I could get stuff done

to keep my life ticking over. And then I would need. I'd been such a good boy for about half an hour, 45 minutes, but now I need a reward. So I would start again and my writhing nerves would be calm,

but as if there's a funny old thing that happens to someone like me.

Sometimes you go to meetings and people talk about, you know, hungry, angry, lonely and tired or

these sort of extreme emotional states. And if you get to, if your emotional state gets too extreme,

you're going to drink again.

I want to tell you about the, the last day that I drank alcohol. I got up in the morning. I phoned some a, a people. I think I spoke to my sponsor that day. I remember reading on the tube on the way to the lunchtime meeting about step 6:00 and 7:00.

I was about a month sober, but I was reading about step six and seven. It all seemed very interesting.

I agreed with it and I got the meeting and there was some old girl in the chair and she trotted out her story. I didn't think much of it really,

but you know, I recognized that she needed to be there as much as I did and she had a right to tell her story. And I was told to share a meeting. So I shared beautifully

and basked for the next 1015 minutes, imagining

the impression it must have been made that someone so new in a A could be could have picked up such wisdom

in such a short time

and how they would be telling people. You know, Gene, there was this newcomer today and he just blew my, the humility in him, it just blew my mind.

And once I got bored of that, there was 10 minutes of the meeting to go

and I thought, I, I, I'm not really fussed to listen to the rest of this. I, I, I hadn't actually heard any of it by this stage. I I just judged and listened to myself and I left the room

and I was going to be going to 3:00 Heinz St. and then 630 Notting Hill. I walk out onto Ladbroke Grove and I walk up the road and I thought, you know what, I fancy a pint.

And the very next thought was

I'll have a pint.

Absolutely nothing going on. And there was this, there was this sense that it talks in Jim's story about a vague sense that I wasn't being any too smart. But there was this, there was this feeling. There's this feeling that comes over me just before the 1st drink when I think

there's power in this somehow.

So I'm going to. It's like trying to, it's the thought of riding something and taking control of it. I'm going to give it another go. Let's see if I can master it this time. And it's incredibly exciting because you think this time, all of you, all of you lightweight, having to go to these meetings. You don't get to have this kind of fun. You don't get to have this kind of excitement and this rush. Cut this chemical. I get this chemical rush before

I've had the first drink,

and by the time I've had that chemical rush, the first drink is going to happen. I'm drunk before I'm having the first drink

and I'm drunk on the idea of my own power.

And I had a pint and I had another pint and I could almost feel the horns growing out of my head. And I went to the off licence and I bought a bottle of something stronger and I drank it sitting on the side of the road opposite the Serbian church with all these people coming out of the meeting waving at me. And I held my bottle up proudly because I'd shown them I I knew that I was superior to them. I was king of the world,

sitting opposite that church with the bottle in my hand. That's how I thought. I felt king for a day.

I thought what I do now

doesn't know anyone who drank any more.

All my friends were sober in AAI thought I don't know what I need to live in this up a little bit. I need to, you know, if you're not having fun, you need to create your own fun. So I threw myself in front of a car

and I run over, arrested, blah blah blah blah blah.

I was not

particularly

upset that day. I was actually, I I quite enjoying AAI, wasn't particularly unhappy. I had a job, I was going to be studying, starting to study again in a few weeks. I was living with my sister paying about £30 a week.

I, I had friends, it's kind of OK.

So what I know from that is

kind of being OK will not keep me sober. There's something else going on surface. I don't drink again because of surface emotion. And there are a couple of little bits here. Jim's story on page.

Page 35

So Jim is Jim's got sober in a a He's a good bloke, He's nute says here. He's an intelligent man. Normal, Normal so far as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. He did no drinking until he was 35. In a few years he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be committed. On leaving the asylum he came into contact with us

and there's this story about how he slips and there is no indication anywhere here that it's coming is he's having a perfectly normal day. People say it, the only sign is I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss, but nothing serious.

People say, oh you see, I've got resentment for unresolved resentment problems with his boss. That's why he drank.

I'm not going to ask you to put your hands up. So how many of you have been irritated at something so far? This today?

Yeah,

I've been irritated by about 15 things so far today, partly because I'm staying in the Copthorne.

No, it's a, it's a lovely, it's a lovely hotel. But if if he drank because he had a minor irritation, boy am I stuffed.

He didn't drink because he had a minor irritation.

Something else going on.

I only look at Bill's story on page 15. My wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm that the idea of helping other Alcoholics to a solution of their problems. It was fortunate for my old business associates remained skeptical for a year and a half, during which I found little work. I was not too well at the time and was plagued by plagued

by waves of self pity and resentment.

This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. This gives me a lot of hope as it tells me that you can have you can be plagued with waves of self pity and resentment and stay sober

and you can have a perfectly normal day, a little irritation with your boss and get drunk. So it's got nothing to do with what's going on on the surface. It's got to do, I believe, with something far deeper.

I saw this program on on on the television a few years ago about earthquakes,

and it was about how they were devising these computer simulations of what's going on with these tectonic plates far below the surface of the Earth. And you've got the the these land masses rubbing up against each other. And this tension gets created. And at some point the tension becomes too much and it snaps into a new position. And as these two plates snap into a new position, that's what creates the earthquake on the surface,

Something deep below the said. This tension builds and builds and builds, and then it repositions itself. And meanwhile, you know, cities are destroyed.

And they were trying to tell with these computer models, they're tracking back this sequence of earthquakes that had run across northern Turkey over 100 years.

And

they kept running the computer model saying, with what we know now,

could we have predicted each of these earthquakes? And they fine-tuned it and fine-tuned it and fine-tuned it until they got it right. And they said, OK, this model will now predict,

is accurately predicted where these earthquakes had happened.

We're going to run it again, see where the next earthquake is going to be. And the result came up, the earthquake. The next earthquake in northern Turkey, according to them, was going to be bang in the centre of Istanbul.

The only thing they don't know is when it's going to happen.

It could be tomorrow or it could be in 50 years time.

And deep down within me, my whole life was this tension which was demanding some kind of relief.

And I couldn't tell when it was going to blow, but at some point it was going to blow. And it talks when when Fred on page 39 to 43 is is he's slipping as well. And they prophecy, they prophesied that at some time his mental defence would give way against some seemingly trivial excuse.

They don't say when it's going to happen, they say that it's going to happen.

And with Jim, he makes a start on the AA program,

but he doesn't complete it.

And it says for a while all went well. And you look at Fred, same thing, amazing life. For a while all was well. And you look at, you look at Fred's, you look at Fred's slip

quite as important. I know that's a bit.

Where is it? Where's the slip? In this frame of mind? I went about my business and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks and began to wonder if I had not been making too hard work of a simple matter. One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government Bureau. I have been out of town before during this particular dry spell, so there was nothing new about that. Physically I felt fine. Neither did I have any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well,

I was pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. And then he has a drink.

There is something interesting about Jim's story which I think does explain why he has a dream, and I'm just going to read it out.

Just say Jim gets drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story,

I'm going to read it in a particular way that isn't normally read. I came to work on Tuesday morning. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss but nothing serious, and I decided to drive into the country and see one of my prospects for a car on the way. I felt hungry, so I stopped at the roadside place where they have a bar. I had no intention of drinking,

I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months Aya was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk. He has the drink and says. That didn't seem to bother me, so I tried another

identify with that.

I identify with that because

I don't know about you, but I think I'm fascinating

at the centre of my universe

and people in a I've been told my whole life I was selfish and my mother would say it was. I was growing up yourselfish and I

I couldn't even get near that. It just it was so objectionable. I just look so I couldn't even begin to take that on board. But this self, this self centeredness,

um, this is the test. If you want to know whether you're self-centered, it's not a moral judgment, OK? It's not, it's not a bad thing, It's not a good thing. It's just a thing. If you want to tell whether you're self-centered, ask yourself what proportion of the day you're thinking about any of these five things. Okay, number one, what do they think about me

#2 what do I think about me?

How am I doing

the third thing?

What did you do to me?

How dare you do that to me?

The fourth thing, What I want? What

if you're feeling bad? What would make me feel better?

If you're feeling good, what would be the cherry on the cake

and what do I need to even break even for the day? So if I'm thinking about what you think about me, what I think about me, how you treat me, what I want and what I need, I'm self-centred is just a fact.

Um,

I can't survive for long on my own

because the tension of having me stuck against my own face becomes too much. And I, I know this is someone else's image, but I'm going to use it, you know, an alien, that face hugger thing which sticks to your face. I'm like that with my own life that all I can see is me. And sometimes it'll be a, you know, in a good way. And I will be filled with grandiosity and this sense of smug superiority.

And I'm going to the A, a group which has got the the true message. Everyone else is getting it wrong, but we're getting it right.

Or I can be having a terrible timeline. I'm full of self pity and I just wanna die. But whatever it is, it's me, stuck to me.

And when I have a drink,

it falls off

and I can breathe again. It's like someone's turned the oxygen back on.

That's why I drink, because it's oxygen. It gives me something I need in order to be able to live

and unless I find that sober

I will drink again,

which is why it says this is the first time. It really connects

the the mental side of this.

The fact that when I'm stone cold sober,

left my own devices, a drink will always seem like a good idea at some point or another. It connects this to the spiritual solution. It says whether such a person can quit upon a non spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not.

It's all connected, that

spiritual disconnection

that is fixed. I'll drink again. If I get connected,

I'll stay sober.

And sometimes people say, well to get and stay sober you need you need to work the steps. Seems like a pretty uncontroversial statement to say in a strong group like this. You need to work the steps. You say it's a uncontroversial no,

that's only controversy about that. But how do people stay sober until they finish them if the steps keep you sober? How do people stay sober until and whilst they're working the steps? And people do regularly who will come in here and they connect.

That's how it works. Now for me. That process has to be you got to keep the momentum up. If you don't keep the momentum up, that little connection you get, which is just enough to keep you sober at the beginning, will not be enough. But connection is what it's all about.

The thing that I realised

on the 24th of July 1993

was that after I was released from the cells, I was picked up from walking up the street after being released from the police station by another member of A A who happened to be passing. He took me to a meeting.

I realised that if I slipped I may never come back

and I realised that not with my mind. It happened at some cellular level and I knew the game was up

and I had no reservation anymore. I didn't. And a funny a funny thing happened as well. I didn't care how I felt

anymore.

All I wanted, all I wanted was to be sober and I didn't care what my emotions were doing. If I've got any condition on this, if I can stay sober, as long as,

you know, I get the job, I get the house.

As long as I don't want to kill myself,

as long as any of those things, it won't work. It won't work. So I'm placing a condition on it

and look at steps two and three now.

One of the problems Where are the steps?

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Sanity, by the way, for me is

not having the first drink,

not not wanting the first drink is not having the first drink. That's the only sanity I need to be restored to. I mean, I was pretty emotional and all over the place when I I got here, but it's not what the step is about.

Restoring us to sanity

came to believe that a power, grace than ourselves could restore us to sanity. One of the problems with these scroll things up is you look at them and you think that's the step.

Oh, it says steps, which would lead you to think

that those are the steps, those 12, those 200 words on that.

To me, they're not the steps, they're a summary of the steps. It says some are in the forward to the third edition, the 12 steps that summarize the program. So the program is a lot more than the 12 steps in a in Step 2

is a lot more than what it says on there.

Just like if you got a recipe book,

if it said you know cheesecake, you know recipe two cheesecake, you would not be able to go and make a cheesecake on the basis of the word cheesecake.

I'd love to see you try.

The word cheesecake is a summary of what you get when you take the and you follow the instructions for how to make a cheesecake. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Is the result of taking Step 2,

but the actual step itself. In the book there are several elements to it, and it starts off on

page 44.

If a mere code of morals are a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophers did not save us, no matter how much we tried.

And it was pretty clear what it was pretty clear. I was told when I was new that what I needed to do was learn how to connect with everyone else, become part of the world. And as I gave to the world, the world would give back to me. And once I was connected with you,

I would never need to drink again because that would supply me with all of the stuff that drink promised and sometimes delivered. The feeling of health, happiness, harmony, Lovejoy, peace, and connection. That if I could live a certain way, if I could live in accordance with these principles, I would get that health, happiness, harmony, Lovejoy, peace and connection and everything I've ever thought I wanted. The relationships, the jobs,

the money. I'm pretty simple. That's what it boils down to. Good sex, money,

few friends to have a laugh with. I didn't want those things in and of themselves. I wanted them because I thought they would. They were the delivery system

for health, happiness, harmony, Lovejoy, peace and connection. So

say so. Well, you just need to do the. You just need to live in this particular way and you'll be alright.

And so I got to ask myself, well, why don't I just go and do that? Why do I need it? Why? Why do I need these types? Why don't I just go out into the world, connect with the world, give to other people, be selfless, you know, just take part and then the world will deliver up to me everything that I need to be OK

in the family I failed to grow up in.

I had an example in my dear old mother of how not to live and I had an example in my father of how to live. My mother is what they call a neurotic. My father would say that on her gravestone is just going to have the name, the dates, and then the two words what if?

Dot dot dot. Because every 3rd sentence she started had the words What if with some an

full of worry. And if when you got to the point that you could not stand being in the presence of this anxiety, in this worry and this fretting and this planning any longer, you would leave the room and she would follow you in case you left it behind. Because she wanted to share her experience, strength and hope with you.

Constantly monitoring the entire universe,

looking for defects, pointing them out and adjusting everything in 1000 minor ways.

And she was miserable and on her own.

And my father, my my my father's two favorite phrases were first of all to my mother. Oh, ye of little faith. And it might never happen. I wouldn't think about it if I were you as it he he wasn't a frightened man. He had No Fear. He had no anxiety. His attitude was will probably never happen. And if it does be all right,

when he got cancer, he said, Oh well.

His last words to my mother were but a good run, haven't we?

So I had this example my whole life

of how to live. Who did I turn out like?

I did not turn out like my father.

What this tells me is my problem is not lack of information. My problem is the inner total inability to live right even when you tell me how to live right.

My problem at any one point is either lack of information or it's lack of power. If I don't know which is which, give me the information. See if it works. If I'm just as stuffed, once you've given me the information, I know my problem is a lack of power. It's a lack of power is my dilemma. The next question is,

well, where? Where am I going to find this power?

And

a lot of people spend a lot of time in a, a talking about God or what they refer to as the God thing or having a, as they put it, a problem with God, which I always think is a very grand statement. God, which is this sort of

being that fills the universe, and you, this tiny little person, have a problem

with the spirit that fills the universe. Like, okay,

it's kind of comical when you think about it,

and I don't think

you need concern yourself with God in Step 2

at all. Not really.

The first thing in Step 2 is to say, am I with the right bunch of people?

Am I with people who are candid enough about the ways in which they are broken that I know that I am you and you are me?

Once I got that connection, we're in business,

then I can say, have any of you got I love the I don't like quoting from the book, but I like the four, four phrases power, peace, happiness and a sense of direction. If I can find people who have in my Home group power, peace, happiness and a sense of direction and you were as broken as I currently AM,

then I have to believe that power is available to you. Because if you're like men an information wasn't your problem, but lack of power

was your problem and you have found power.

I have to believe that power exists.

And I remember thinking sitting in a room in Ifield Rd. in August 1993, which was a joist of recovery meeting, which is very much like one of the the road to recovery last night. And one thing I did get from from from that

was that there were clearly people in that room who had power, peace, happiness and sense of direction. And there's a little, little bit of logical algebra where you say

either these people are telling the truth collectively or they are lying collectively.

And something told me at a deep level, I wasn't so sure about the people 2-3, five years. So, but some of the people ten, 20-30 years sober, I believed there was a woman called Sue who was 30 years sober in 1993. She's known variously as Plumps did Sue and Angry Sue.

She was a tough old. She was a tough old bird. I remember phoning her up from a phone box at the end of the road and I phoned. I'd phoned everyone else

and you only found Sue when you were seriously in trouble. She was never the first person you found. She was always, she was the one you phoned. She was the one you kept in your back pocket. You always need to keep your powder dry when you're in trouble. You you always need to keep one person to call. When all else fails. And I call turns I want a drink and she said go and have a drink. Then a As for people that want to stay sober and she put the phone down

and

I phoned back

and I said it's me. And she said, I know.

I said I don't wanna drink but I think I'm going to anyway. And she said now we're in business and we had a conversation. It was all right.

But her and a bunch of other people, Maureen and Reid and some great, great people just exuded this piece.

And I believed them. I didn't believe all the people that ran after them and parroted them. I didn't believe any of them. But I believe Maureen and Sue and Reed and a couple of other people,

and some of these were bright people. The other possibility is that they've they've tricked themselves, that they believe it, they're telling the truth, but they've tricked themselves. But these these were not stupid people. I had to believe that power was available to you. So when it says on page 47, you know,

came to believe that there was a power greater than ourselves,

I could see that power. I could see that in your eyes.

There was just something there.

The logic is this. If I can see the power working, if I can feel it, if I go to a meeting in pieces, you talk gibberish and I feel better at the end, I can feel that power. I feel that I know I'm going to be fine, at least until the end of the day. I can feel that power if I know what the channels are,

if I know the groups I go to, the work that I do in a A, the sponsorship of other people,

the prayer and the meditation.

If I know that that invokes the power that makes the power flow. There must be a source. You can't see the wind, but you can see its effect on leaves on trees.

Something must be making those leaves move. And an interesting question is where did that wind start?

And it's the same with God.

I don't need to know what God is or who God is, or where God started or what came before God, or why there's a war in wherever

irrelevant. My only concern is do you have power?

Either I believe you, I or I don't. Which is why I think the biggest thing that we have to offer in Alcoholics Anonymous or any other 12 step fellowship is authenticity. Because without it, Step 2 is dead in the water. Because people were coming to me with solutions

my whole life, but I didn't identify with them, so I couldn't accept them.

The last question,

the Step 2 proposition, Either God is everything or God is nothing.

Um, sounds like a pretty abstract question, but what that means to me in a very concrete sense is

if that power is available to you,

kind of has to be available to everyone, why would it be available to some people and not others? Do I think I'm different? Why do I think I'm different? Make a list of the reasons you think you're different and then look for people in your Home group and