The Connect the Dots group in Las Vegas, NV

Hi everybody. My name is Tara Ross and I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi, I'd like to thank Bob for asking me to come and share my experience, strength and hope with you tonight. And I'd like to thank the Connect the Dots group for a few things. A warm welcome like to thank John for reaching out and getting me here safely. And I'd like to thank Eric.

It's no coincidence the topic that you kind of picked and you'll hear why. And most of all, I would really like to thank

newcomers who got up and stood and got recognized because

I don't have that where I come from. I'm originally from Long Beach, NY and there are a lot of newcomers in New York. And there was a lot of work to be done. I live in Sedona, AZ now, not so much. So I would be lying if I didn't say I was filled with a little bit of envy when you all stood up.

And also congratulations to everybody who's celebrating an anniversary. And it really does work.

So I'm going to just start at the beginning and get to the good stuff, which is the joy of recovery. I did not come from an alcoholic household. I didn't see drinking, didn't see drunks. Came from a very, very nice household. Loving parents provide a very good life for me.

I was tortured every day at school when I was young. I was the tallest kid in school. I had no hair on my head and my teeth were black from Tetris cycling I was given as a baby.

And I pretty much got told every day you're ugly, you look like a boy, why don't you brush your teeth? And I believe I was born with this illness. There's not a doubt in my mind. I would come home from school and my mom would say, so how was school today? Tara and I would say, fine,

there's something wrong with that.

I, I ended up

around 4th grade, I think it was. I was on the bus, somebody stuck a wad of gum in the little bit of hair I had. I went into some sort of rage out, I don't know. But when I came to, a couple of boys had bloody noses. Everybody backed away from me. They thought I was crazy and nobody picked on me ever again.

You would think that was good. It was worse. It was worse being totally invisible.

I wasn't invited to any of the birthday parties. Nobody sat with me in the cafeteria. Nobody played with me on the playground. That has nothing to do with why I'm an alcoholic, by the way.

But I want you to know how I picked up my first drink. And so anyway, I escaped into books I read incessantly. I wanted the world to go away. And I believe if I was living in an alcoholic household, I would have been drinking in grammar school. I just hated my life. And you know, I also had this thing about me that it was just never enough.

And I wish I could pass around one picture from my childhood album of this little girl

at Christmas in front of the Christmas tree with everything a little girl could possibly hope for. I mean, I had the dollhouse, the high heeled shoes you strapped on, the baton, the doll that was as big as me that walked, you know, that bike with the raccoon tail and the bell. And if you looked at me, you just knew. If you looked at that picture, it wasn't enough. It was never enough.

So anyway, when I was 12 years old I was sitting in gym class

and the most popular girl in school.

I'm not going to say her name. I used to, but I'm not going to say it now.

Little petite thing that all the boy, you know, all the boys loved her. She was a cheerleader, of course, played the flute and, you know, I played the Viola.

But she turned around to me and she said, do you want to come over my house after school today and drink beer and smoke pot?

And I'm telling you right now, if she would have said a bunch of us are going to stick up a bank, we need a lookout person, do you want to come? I would have been there.

God's honest truth. It was the first time anybody asked me to do anything and you bet I was showing up and

I kind of thought there was a hidden agenda and I didn't really not trust her. But let me tell you something. I believe that alcohol saved my life.

I believe it with every fiber of my being. I was already thinking of killing myself by that time

and the magic happened that first day. There was number thought into what alcohol was going to do to me. There was number thought as to what, you know, smoking. I didn't even I had no clue what any what was going to happen to me. But it was magic, and I do believe it saved my life.

Everything changed from that point on. You know, I started hanging out with the cool kids in school.

I started selling pot. You become real popular when you're selling pot. And I mean, I had a forgery business on the side for kids to get, you know, notes from getting out of school.

And there were consequences right from jump street. I mean, I went from being a straight, a perfect attendance student to straight FS

and from the 2nd semester of 10th grade, I was no longer allowed to go to a homeroom. I had to sign in with the attendance officer, Mr. Bermudas and I became very good friends over the years because I was truant so much and

I ended up

I was engaged in 12th grade.

Insane. I know made sense at the time and to the only boyfriend I ever had. And,

you know, I would like to say just because I was hanging out with all the popular kids and everything that

all the damage that was done to myself esteem was wiped away. But it really wasn't. And the clearest way of letting you understand that was I caught my first husband cheating on me, right, like two months before this big, big, you know, wedding. And I married him anyway because I really believe that 19 You're lucky anybody wants you. And so we moved to Long Beach,

which at that time literally had a bar on every corner. It's a little Barrier Reef island that's struggling

right now,

and I had never drank in a bar. I mean, the drinking age was 18 back then, but I drank at the golf course, I drank at the sump, I drank at the park or at the beach. I'd never been in a bar in my life.

I moved across the street from 2 Bars and what I discovered very quickly was that at 4:00 in the morning, a lot of guys are interested in you.

So it was basically like, what the hell am I doing with this idiot? For, you know, and

alcohol turned me into a woman I never thought I would be.

I, I became an unfaithful wife

within a year after being married. And you know, I'd like to say that that was hidden and on the sly, but I'm the kind of drunk that would introduce you to my husband. I brought him home and put him to bed. And then I was making out with somebody at the same bar

1/2 an hour later in public in a very small town painting place. So

it got to that point where there was a lot of shame, there was a lot of degradation as a woman. And,

you know, I get on the train to go to work in the morning, and I'd stumble off the train. By the time I got to Manhattan, they had bar cars then and smoking cars, and I'd be in even worse shape coming home. And, you know, I started working in Madison Ave.

and, you know, in a lawyer's office. And I was the one that they had in the, you know, cute little executive clothes greeting clients. And by the end, they had me locked in a backroom with my own stereo with the doors closed because I was coming in ripped jeans and combat boots and just out of it. And what ended up happening was

I ended up getting divorced. No, no kidding. And then I met somebody else in a bar, of course, and married him six months later.

And

boy, the first couple of years of that marriage were was just full on. He was an alcoholic and drinking from the time he was eight and his whole family was alcoholic. So I just thought I, I was OK. And he ended up going away to a rehab in 1986. Nineteen 86, my sober dates, August 24th, 1986. He went to a rehab. I didn't know what a rehab was.

I didn't know what Alcoholics Anonymous was, never heard of it. And I flew out to Minnesota for Family Week

and saw the doctor Martin Chalk Talk videos. And, you know, they told me I should go to Al Anon, and I went to Al Anon and I didn't really relate. Now I'm going to tell you that, you know,

God will use whatever he can to get us here.

And for the first couple of years of my sobriety, I would share that I came to a A to be a supportive wife to my poor alcoholic husband. I'd come to open a a meetings so I could be supported. And the truth of the matter is, is my biggest character defect then and today. And you know, if you live my life, it's it's a no brainer. You know God bless you and I mean that

I jealousy and insecurity are huge for me.

Trust is huge for me. And so I went to AAA to check out the woman that was going to steal my husband from me.

God used my biggest character defect to get me in the doors of a A

and I was delusional about that for a lot of years because I really told myself I, you know, be in a Good Wife. And what ended up happening is I'm coming to these open a A meetings and something's happening. You know, something's just happening and I'm feeling better when I leave the meeting then when I went to the meeting and you know, I would share at meetings and I'd introduce myself. Hi, I'm Tara. I'm a concerned person 'cause that's what they called us in the rehab. You know, we were concerned persons and people just roll their eyes, you know,

and

so I had heard about this group conscious thing and I was like, they're like, does anybody have anything that they'd like to? I'm like, oh, me, me, me. Yes, Tara, you know, what can we do for you? And I was like, well, I know that you have these secret a a meetings for people who are real Alcoholics, Like, and I know I'm not an alcoholic, but I feel better when I come to a a could we take a vote if I can come, even though I'm not an alcoholic? And they will like mother of God, he is a meeting list. You can go wherever you want to go. There's plenty of them. Anyone, anytime here,

you're welcome here anytime. I mean, I just didn't have a clue. I didn't have a clue. But like I told you, as a straight A student for a lot of years, so I was going to be the good little straight AA person and I get a sponsor. I got a sponsor. I get a Home group. I got a Home group, got a commitment. I got a commitment. 90 meetings in 90 days, 90 minutes, sit in the front. I sat in the front,

I went to Sober Club men's, I went to AAA international conventions. I saw Joe and Charlie.

Didn't get it, but I saw them

and what ended up happening was three times in 19 years I was suicidal.

The last time I really had a plan and

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I'm doing everything. How come I'm not happy? Joyce and Free? That's a bunch of crap. I was creating more chaos in my life without a drink in me than I ever did out there causing more harm.

I ended up having this beautiful daughter and

that's really awesome. She's awesome. And at 17 years sober, my husband, who I married, that I met in the bar at six months, we were both sober 17 years. And we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and we took my daughter on a cruise with us and went to Disney and it was amazing. And a couple months later, he drowned body surfing during the hurricane in Long Beach.

And

yeah, everything can change in an instant, you know,

And the power of God

and the power of AAA is so amazing. You know when they say you don't have to ever go through anything alone again? I remember flipping out when I was new that I had to go to motor vehicles sober. I don't know what like, motor vehicles is like here. And they've come a long way in New York now, you get a little ticket with a number, and they have nice benches for you to stand on. But back then, you'd wait on the line for two hours and they tell you you were on the wrong line. You know, it was,

I mean, I couldn't even go to the supermarket without getting loaded, you know,

couldn't at the end walk across the street to drink at the bar without having something to walk out the door. You know, it stopped being a choice. And so anyway,

I didn't have to get through that alone. And I remember, you know, there have been times when I have felt the presence of God so strongly. It's just undeniable and irrefutable. And I will stand here and tell you that the last thing I wanted to be the solution in any way, shape or form in my life was a God of my understanding.

I fought it tooth and nail. Anything but that anything. I mean, I was like, can we have a group conscious to end with the, you know, serenity prayer? Because I learned the hour father and catechism and you people are telling me this isn't religious. Why? You know why we sang the Alfada. I learned the serenity prayer in AI think we should say that prayer. You know, like I really was against it. But I have felt the power of God and the presence of God many times. And when my husband died and I was in the hospital, I collapsed on the floor and I, I

literally felt God holding me. I mean, I literally felt God holding me. And these guttural screams were coming out of me. It sounded like a wounded animal. I remember. And they were trying to shoot me up with tranquilizers. And I'm like, get away. I knew if I went down that rabbit hole, I wasn't coming out. But I felt God hold me and say, I'm here. I love you. You're not alone.

The people in AAA are going to help you through this. And so, you know, I went from the beginning of having somebody volunteer to go to motor vehicles with me, which was really sweet, to having two women in my life. My sponsor, who was like a surrogate mother, and my daughter called her JAMA. And her Aunt Beans, who was my closest friend in New York at the time, had to go tell my daughter that her father died

and they were able to sit in that car and bear witness to this little girl's pain.

And I will never, ever forget them for that because they loved her so dearly, you know, And I didn't have to go through any of that alone. I ended up,

you know, they'll say you won't regret the past or wish to shut the door in it. And that's come true in every single area of my life. Anything that I regretted before can be used for good today. But I do have a regret that I'm probably going to die with. And that is when my daughter lost her father. She lost her mother too.

I didn't pick up, but I ran. I ran to meetings, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran. It was like I couldn't bear my pain and her pain. And she was only 9, you know? So I till this day I can't look at pictures of her at 9:00 because I realized what a baby she was and she was fending for herself a lot of the time. I mean, she had friends and family looking after her, but she needed her mom and her mom wasn't there.

And

that's a really hard one for me. I've made amends to her so many times that she's like, Ma enough already. I forgive you. Will you forgive yourself? You know enough with the amends on another, right? OK, you know,

so I just, I just have to accept it, you know, that it was what it was. And

so anyway,

you know, everybody said after you got through the first year, it'll be OK, you know, once you get through the 1st birthday, the 1st anniversary, the first Christmas and Valentine's Day. And so I was holding on to that for dear life, you know, and the anniversary of his death passed and nothing happened.

And I was even worse the second year than I was the first year because I was holding on to that so dearly.

And then came the mission.

The mission to find the one

that was gonna fix it. And

oh God,

I was with my first boyfriend at 15, got married at 19, was married, divorced and remarried by 23, was married for 20 years. Do you think there was any dating going on here? No, there was not. Not dating. I didn't know anything about dating. And I lived in this small barrier island where my husband was a detective at the time, so the whole Police Department was looking out for the two of us. So there wasn't a guy around who was going to ask me out. There were a lot of loaded guns in Long Beach

and so you know, I tried match.com.

If any of you have had success, God bless you.

That was not my experience.

So,

oh, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. So anyway, you know, I became obsessed with this. I I mean, you talk about a mental obsession. I would be in Starbucks getting a cup of coffee. If somebody said could you pass the sugar? I'd be like, is he the one, you know, like it didn't matter what where I was, it was always and I'm always looking for signs from God. You know, my friend Miriam, we had a moving company God. And she said, Tara, every time you see that truck, it's not a sign from God. You know,

I was like, oh, I was. I'd see two seagulls flying together and a third one would join them. And I go, that's it. It's the time, you know,

my poor friends. Oh my God, my poor friends. So anyway,

then something really good happened to me, although it's not going to sound like it's really good when I tell you what it was, but it was really good at the time. I got involved with this guy from a A

now

he actually was a really nice guy with a really big heart and my daughter loved him.

One small problem, he started smoking crack.

Now let me tell you something. I try today not to judge people, and it's not from any spiritual place. Anytime I judge something, I end up doing it and I end up having compassion.

For people who act that way,

I didn't mention that the guy I started dating was a newcomer

and I had 19 years of sobriety, which wasn't really sobriety at all. It was insanity.

So I went from not having alcohol in my home, not having my daughter ever around anybody who was drunk, to having this man smoking crack in my house, in my car, my daughter saying what's wrong with him? Something's wrong with him. He's he's acting funny.

And now my mission was I got to get him sober so that we can live happily ever after.

I'm driving around to crack houses. I mean,

my sponsor of God, have you 7 or 18 years at the time sat me down and said, Tara, if you do not stop this. And let me mention when I say about judging people, I was the one who when a guy went to go after a newcomer girl in my meeting, I stood between him and them and said, you want to get to her buddy. You're going to have to go through me first. I mean, I was like,

and here I am doing it. And now my sponsor is like

JAMA, you know, who loves my daughter and me. And she's like, if you don't stop this, I can't, I can't sponsor you anymore. I I can't, I can't do this with you, Tara.

No problem. See ya

how I hurt that woman after all she'd done for me for all those years. But it was, it was good. It all works out good in the end, because it always does. So what happened to me was

I'm, I'm living this way for a little while. And then he says the best thing he ever said to me that changed my life. He said, you know, TA, I'd never want you to lose your sobriety. But I wonder what it would be like if we got high together

and every hair on my body stood up. My whole body started humming and I intuitively knew it's this close

and I had some sanity to think of my daughter at that point. She already lost her father, and she's really going to lose her mother.

I had been at a Fellowship of the Conference Spirit in New York, which is a big book weekend, and this woman, Val, had come from Virginia.

And as out of my mind as I was, she said something that got through to me and I asked her for her number. Didn't call her, but I asked her for her number.

But I kept a number. I called my best friend Michelle, who was in Texas at the time, and I'm in New York, and I told her I'm going,

I'm going. I know I'm going. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I know I'm going.

God spoke through her and said, do you still have that woman Val's number? And I said yes. She said, get it now. You're going to call her right now. I'm on the cell phone. I go, all right, I'm going to hang up. She goes, do not hang up, go in the house. I want to hear you calling her. This woman travels all over speaking. She sponsors I don't know how many women. She's a busy lady. She picks right up.

I don't know if you Remember Me. I met you. Sure. It's hard. Fucking so. She's like, I remember you, honey, what can I do for you? I've got to die.

She's like, what's going on? I'm like, so I'm like, you know, spilling the whole story out. And she asked me a very peculiar question. I mean, I'm going to die, you understand? And she says to me, have you ever read the big book? And I'm like, have you been listening to me? I'm sober 19 years. Of course I've been to big book meetings. She goes, that's not what I asked you. She goes, have you gone through the 1st 164 pages? I'm like, and in my head I'm like, what's so special about the 1st 164 pages? I didn't. Even

164 is a very important number to me now. I recognize it. Then I didn't know what she was talking about and I said no, I guess not.

She said, well, what are you willing to do? And I said, I am willing to do anything. You ask me to do anything. So she said, OK, this is what we're going to do. You're going to call me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning at seven, 6:00 with 7:00. She got up an hour early for me and I'm going to read that book to you word for word. If there's an instruction, are you willing to do it? Yes. If there's a question, are you willing to answer honestly? Yes,

yes, yes,

we really do have the power

to save lives. And Alcoholics Anonymous because God worked through that woman to save mine.

Those words came so alive to me. The experience I had going through the steps out of the Big Book has forever changed me.

You know, when I was drinking, I go to bed and I say, you know, if there is a God, please just let it be over. Please just just take me, let it end. And then I wake up in the morning and open my eyes and go, oh crap, I can't believe I have to do this again. And I curse God for not taking my life.

It's really, really scary when you think in the same thing without A drinking you and you go into meetings every day.

It's like, what else is wrong with me? Something else is wrong with me. A A doesn't work for me.

So when she asked me if I was willing to do all that, I said under one condition. She said you're starting with conditions already. I said just one. If I do everything that you tell me to do, everything this book says cross every T dot every I. And if this doesn't work for me, I'm telling you right now I'm going to every meeting I've ever been to holding up that book and said I did this perfectly and it doesn't work. She said we got a deal

because she knew she knew the truth. The truth is, and how many meetings end? Keep coming back. It works if you work it. What does that mean? It works if you work it. I wasn't working the program of recovery that was passed down to us at all.

I was working the fellowship. And I thank God for the people who loved me. They loved on me. They can't transmit what they don't have, you know. But this woman saved my life. And

what a blow it was to find out that my mind was the problem.

I mean, really, you know, there's a line in the book that I so identified with, and I can't quote it perfectly. I'm not a quota, but it says something like

we were certain that our intelligence, backed by our willpower, could rightly control our lives of something like that. And that was me. Like, I'm smart and I have more willpower than anybody. I know when I set my mind to something, I get it done. And it just baffled me that I couldn't be happy.

It baffled me, you know, I was so stuck in the beginning on the second step where it's where it says came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore society. I was so fighting that came to believe in the power part that I didn't even see the restore us to sanity part at all.

Son, I go wait a minute, don't have to be insane to be restored to sanity. Bingo. Like I didn't even get it. The problem centered in my mind

and what what just kept coming to me over and over. And everybody's experience may be different, but at the beginning of that book, over and over again, what I really got was that I was beyond human aid, beyond human aid, beyond human aid. It said so many times in the beginning of the book. And guess what? My God was what they told me. It could be a group of drunks. God, you people were my higher power. Well, when I realized how sick I was and how powerless I was, and then I'm beyond human aid. I'm like, wait a minute,

you're all humans and you can't fix me.

Was I willing to turn my will in my life over to God at that point? You bet. There was no hesitation, there was no question about it, and I had the most amazing third step experience.

She was on the phone with me across the country and I was curled up on the floor in a ball sobbing, sobbing when I made this covenant with God. And it is a covenant,

you know, And it's not even about me.

Relieve me the bond itself, so I can do your will. Take away my difficulties, set victory over them. A bear witness to those I would help. Of thy power, thy love, thy way of life. The only reason I'm here is to bear witness.

I had many kind of attempts at Third step experiences, but it was like boxhole praying. You know, like when I say I created a lot of chaos out there. I would do things like this to fill that hole in my soul that I know today is a spiritual whole that only God can fill. But I look for everything out there to fill it. One of them was shopping.

Oh, I was good at it. I almost lost my house.

I was insane over that. My electricity is getting shut off. I have a baby at home, and I'm showing off my $300.00 pocketbook. And when people are looking at me in horror, I'm like, what? You don't like the color? Like, I didn't even get it that there was anything wrong then. Like, didn't you just have your electric turned off? I'm like, yeah, but it was a great deal

insane, insane what I was doing, you know, So I would go to God when, you know, it would hit the fan and like, oh, God, please, I've tried everything. Help me with my money. Or I was also a size 24 at one point. Tried to eat it away. Oh God, please help me be thin. I will give God little pieces of me that I couldn't handle at the time

and I used to say it felt like

jumping out of a plane and kind of hoping when I pull the ripcord that something would happen.

But this third step experience that I had, the best way I can describe it as I jumped out of the plane with no parachute at all,

and I made a deal with God. If you can straighten out this messed up mind, I'll spend the rest of my life working for you.

My life is no longer my business.

Whatever you say, I'll do

I let go? Absolutely

immediately started doing a fourth step. I never saw the need to do a four step before this point.

I really didn't. I mean, honestly, I already knew I was a thief. I already knew I was an unfaithful wife. I already knew I was a, you know, procrastinator. Like, what do I really need to find out? And I tell you, it wasn't like I was hiding my defects from you. Everybody knew all of them. I'm like an open book. So what's the point? Well, when you read the book, it makes perfect sense. I just turn my will and my life over to God and there's a shit load of stuff blocking me from that power. And I got to find out what's blocking me. And I look at it like a pipe,

you know, He is God, He is me. There's his pipe, and it is jammed up with so much stuff. I need that power. I want that power.

I gotta get rid of that stuff. So I was excited about doing my 4th step. I wasn't afraid

I and when it I I was as thoroughly and rigorously honest as I possibly could be when it came time to do my fifth step. If that would have said to me, put on your most comfortable sneakers and start walking to Virginia, we got a long talk ahead of us, I would have done it. The gift of desperation. The gift of desperation.

I wish I had a magic wand to hit people with. The gift of desperation, you know, I was so desperate.

So I flew out to Virginia, spent a weekend with her, and that was magical. She invited God in and God was right there in the midst of us. And as thorough as I was,

God just worked through HUD like shine a light on a deeper truth than I would have been able to see on my own. And what happened was kind of like, I can only describe it like that first step experience when you concede to your inner mouth self that you're a real alcoholic. It's like, Oh,

well, I knew all those things about myself, but by the time I was done with my fifth step and all those character defects, it was like, oh, oh,

you know, like who wouldn't want to go to God's, have him take who? I mean, I was like, I wanted God to take him from me immediately. She was so brilliant, So brilliant. She sent me up to her son's room for that hour because we did everything it said. The only thing I didn't do is take a book off the shelf. I know a lot of people actually find a shelf, put it up there, take it down. There was no shelf in the room.

But

before I went up to the room, she did say to me, I know this probably one thing you're not going to want to let go of. And we both knew what it was the relationship.

And she said to me, honey, whether you ask God to remove that or not, I'm going to love you anyway. It's OK. And I'm sitting here doing a little dance inside going, yes, I don't have to let go of the relationship. That almost killed me,

but then she said the best thing ever, she said. But it says in the book, if there's something you're not willing to let go of, we ask God for the willingness.

So I go up to her son's room and I look at the clock in his room because I know an hour is an hour. It's not 59 minutes. It's not a, you know, 61 minutes. I'm going to be by the bug cross every T dot every I and I went through and I reviewed everything and I did everything it said, went through all my first four steps and searched my heart and I'm done. I'm good to go. And I look at the clock and I got 10 more minutes to go,

like 10 more minutes to go. And all of a sudden her words came into my head.

If there's something you're not willing to let go of, you ask God for the willingness. That instruction, I believe saved my life because I hit my knees and I said, God, you know how bad I want this? You know how much I care about this man? He's a good man. Carly loves him,

but if he's not of you,

this is not of you. I'm willing to let it go. Please take this obsession from me. Please let me be free of it. And immediately

I hear from God. You may think I'm crazy, but God talks to me sometimes. I heard delete every message because you see, I didn't have any voice mails when my husband drowned. And I always regretted that I didn't have something to listen to. So I saved all the good ones before he picked up the crack, you know, and it and God told me to delete them and I picked up my phone and sobbing like a baby. I didn't even have to listen to them one more time. Hey TAC, delete. Hey babe, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.

All gone.

That saved my life. I was willing to let go of the one thing God gave me, the willingness.

I came downstairs and I shared with my sponsor what my experience was, and I said, I have a question for you, though.

I said, why didn't you just tell me that I wasn't allowed to see him when I went back to New York? You know, I would have listened to you. I would have done anything, He said. Why didn't you just tell me that?

And she said. Who am I to rob you of the one experience that might bring you closer to God?

We quit playing God in our lives and in others.

I'll never forget that

I proceeded on, started writing my A step list, started making some amends. If there's one loophole in the big book for me, and I'm going to say it because it's the truth,

9th step, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. I was amazed before I was halfway through. I still have amends to make. I pray for the willingness for some of them. It hasn't come. I wish I I wish I could say I checked off everyone on my list. I have not,

but I believe I have one of the most powerful

9th step stories I've ever heard.

Remember I told you my first husband cheated on me two months before the wedding and I caught him. While obviously I knew who she was,

I had hatred and bitterness coursing through every fiber of my being for this girl. I blamed her for my marriage breaking up. I blamed her that I became an unfaithful wife. I blamed her for everything and I used to pray to a God I didn't believe in. Please do not let her ever cross the street in front of me when I am behind a moving vehicle because I will mow her down and I will spend the rest of my life in jail. I would have. That's how much I

hated this woman. Hated her. Oh, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about how much I hated her.

So I got sober in August, my first New Year's Eve. I'm going to an AA sober New Year's Eve dance

and I walk into the door and I just paid my 10 bucks and this gorgeous, beautiful, I didn't think she was that beautiful back then, But she comes up to me and she says Tara, and I'm like, yeah, she has tears in her eyes. She goes, you're the last person on my immense list. She was three years over three years younger than me, and she was already sober five years. She said, I'm Lisa. I am so sorry

for what I did. I'm an alcoholic. It doesn't excuse it. I know I caused you paint.

Let me tell you why. Face to face amends are important because if she would have sent me an e-mail, I would have told her where to go. But I could not deny the sincerity in that woman's eyes for the pain that she caused me and how sincere she was. And she said, can I hug you?

We hugged

and every ounce of hatred drained from my body. In that instant, I was free. I was free.

Do I feel better after making amends? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But we get to set other people free.

And God is so funny. Oh my God, he's so funny. I'm going to one of those international conventions I was talking about and I'm online at the airport and who's there. But Lisa,

she comes over to me and she said I'm not doing so good,

really. We start talking, she goes, would you be willing to sponsor me? I need help.

I came to love that woman that I despise with every fiber of my being.

That's the power of amends.

I love the instructions on pausing throughout the day and paying attention and watching things that might creep up.

I love that I wasn't rendered pure as snow as soon as God came in and removed a lot of my character defects, because I think if I was rendered purists now, there wouldn't be a woman who'd want to even talk to me.

It's my humanness and it's the fact that I still struggle with some things and that I turn to God to try and get through them that makes me useful to other people. Not my perfection.

So I have to watch the things, jealousy, insecurity, I don't have to watch for them. They're like right in my face. I'm like, really, God, how is this useful to anybody? Because it's certainly not useful to my poor husband. I'll tell you that, you know, But I watch and I and I review my day and prayer, meditation, Oh my God, how exciting is it? How exciting is it that we get to improve our conscious contact with God?

Like this isn't as good as it's going to get.

One of the principles that made my four step list was that pain is the touch tone to spiritual development. I'm like, really? It's got to be pain. God, come on, who made this up? Like why can't I just want to be a good person? I just want to be generous in giving and loving and why can't that be enough? It has to be pain. Well, it always is for me,