The No Nonsense Group's Fourth Step Sex Inventory Meeting in Pasadena, CA

Well, it's down there and I'm an alcoholic.

Good to be in a meeting. My sobriety birthday is May the 29th of 91. My sponsor is Jimmy Moss. I'm a member of the non absence group.

I was just thinking about

when I was lead all of our meetings every day, all the time, you know?

Anyway, thank you, Robert, for having me. I

wrote this format many years ago at my original Home group. We've tweaked it a little bit. Time slot on Thursday nights at the open door that needed to be filled. And I was wondering how to get the people over there. And Dennis suggested that we make the topic sex. And the following week the room was packed.

West Side Alcoholics are kind of like Bunny rabbits. We kind of want to do it. We're going to hump it all the time. And it's a good thing that this meeting is not about that. And what I had to figure out when I got sober is some of this part of my life that I use as an excuse to keep getting drunk. And part of the insanity of my alcoholism

is I'm I'm getting ready to get loaded. And I don't think so. And I don't believe it and I don't even know it. I don't recognize it because like the doctors opinion says, this has become the only normal life I got

to live. You know, it gets to a point in my drinking and thinking, well that's all I'm really doing is thinking about drinking or drinking so I can keep thinking. And I don't really want to change because the disease is controlling my lot. And people, well meaning onlookers, including a a people come up to different types of people like us and try to rally us around the idea of not drinking. And it just doesn't work for a guy or a guy like me unless

there's a complete and total surrender.

And it's kind of what I had to go through in order to really accept the things that I couldn't change when I was able to do. The inventory was my original sponsor. And much unlike other people who come to a A, there was no secrets list for me. I wrote everything down, you know, all of it, the wee, wee stories, the gay shit, all of that. It all got wrote down,

and the reason why I did that is because I don't want to keep doing that

and I didn't want to leave and I didn't believe that I would be able to stay. And that was before I read the entire book. Something in my soul was connected to the steps I took, and I don't know how that really started, except for the fact that I needed to begin when I got here. And I really don't encourage anyone to stay stuck at the beginning fighting the process

because that's not a successful step one. And you're never going to get through this part of the inventory, honestly,

You know, and I've sponsored a lot of people for a lot of years. I didn't just start sponsoring last Friday. I was sponsoring, then after rehab I got sober in before I even took the steps

and I and I did that and didn't have not one fucking problem with that.

In my mind, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do,

and then I had no idea what I was telling those people to do. But you know,

part of what went on there is

what Larry T talks about at our Home group a few weeks ago. And it wasn't, it didn't satisfy me just because I was sober at Warm Springs. You know what satisfied me as I actually gave a shit about it and tried to share it with someone else

because I could get sober if my mother hit her purse in a different spot, but I could never stay sober

based on the sobriety that I got when I came here. I couldn't do it the way you guys did it. And So what happened basically as I met this guy at my original Home group and you know, he basically walked me through these questions that Robert just read. And one of the things, and I'm so grateful that we changed the format to where the chairperson reads it every week because it gives me an opportunity to reflect a little better

because I'm familiar with the way Robert Reed's. And I like

emphasis over here when he says, but this is only a half truth. And

you know, it depends on us and our motives and if we are sorry for what we have done

and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven. And I don't know about you, but I've done some fucked up shit in sobriety and and I hang out with people who believe in forgiveness. And when I'm hanging out by myself, there is no forgiveness. Get the crucifix ready. I'm going up

and I and I and I live,

I live with spiritual giants who practice forgiveness because they work the steps. They're not trying to work each other. And I know that, you know, there's some stuff that had come up recently for me and what I had to look at and, and my part and, and all of that, which what we do, you know, I just refuse to believe that I continuously harm others with 21 years of sobriety and I'm just locking out on a daily basis and not getting dropped. I don't believe in that.

Mistakes included. You know, I just don't believe that I'm just fucking everybody over every day and I'm just looking out at the end of the day, sober

for two fucking decades. I'm just too nasty and sloppy to get away with stuff like that. I need these things that we are supposed to do. Another part that stands out for me is where it says

we avoid hysterical thinking or advice. And I don't know about you, but when I used to do speed, everything was fucking hysterical. You know, everything was kind of, you know, intense, like taking off my shoes. You know, it's like a really like a big deal. I remember the first time

did that form of alcohol

in another community called another thing and I was telling the guys last night after an incident that took place at the house. I just, I just remember like talking about everything that was on my fucking mind.

Whatever I thought about, I said it when I got high off that shit.

Everything I'm saying is what I'm thinking, man. And I'm in connection with the universe, you know, and one of the parts about the universe that I often forget is my life is can end physically

when I'm all done being in touch with realities. Yes, part of it is to fucking die,

and I hate to be more of it, but you know, we're all going to die.

You know this program is not about living forever.

You know, it's about being fearless and thorough from the very start.

And when I don't write down these things and answer these questions and share this information with another human being with 21 years of sobriety, I'm in danger of losing my recovery. And I understand that today. And it's not like a threat or, or, or or a weird ass like omen or anything. They base all this stuff,

they base all this stuff on the facts out of our experience.

And I want to be a part of the we that cares. I want to be a part of the we that takes the steps. I want to be a part of the we that actually makes amends and pays back the money. I want to be a part of the we that actually doesn't have to be going we every day in order to make it in a A

and a part of the insanity that I see in a lot of my friends and I've even slipped into it from time to time. We talked about it a little bit last night in the book Studies that if, if, if somehow

I convinced myself that I'm really sober, that that somehow is going to turn into me automatically stands over.

And I believe that this work and this inventory is more of a tangible, factual,

actual thing that keeps me sober more than me just being sober. Which means I got to do it no matter how long I've been sober. I don't know if you can understand what I'm saying. I guess I'm trying to focus everybody or interest you and stay. Leaving is a bitch. You know, staying means we're coming up out of that ditch.

And emotionally, I was trapped sexually because part of the way I got loaded after I would run out of food stamps and money, you know, is to offer myself to the community, you know, to get loaded. And, you know, I came here with a lot of names and wreckage and faces, you know, because I, I couldn't hear who did why and how much money. You know, I could, I couldn't remember a lot of that stuff,

but the actual ability to answer the question about whether it was selfish or not was very fucking easy to answer. And I hear and see people trying to play around with this stuff and not really be keeping it simple. One of our good friends kept a resentment against one of our friends who's still here about the idea that should be coming up out of these questions. It's not an Etch A Sketch situation

that whatever I come up with after I answer these questions and I read them with my sponsor, that's the idea that I work toward in order to not be dishonest or selfish when it comes to my pursuit for sex. And I wanted it to be something interesting because when I try to go out on a date with somebody or I'm trying to have sex and get a piece of ass, for some reason, I just envision like,

props,

some things coming out. A lot of guys call it game. And I want, you know, Mirage to take place so I can really prove to this person that we finally have sex. And that's trickery and bullshit. And I've learned as old as I am, you know, that most people can see the sham. In fact, if somebody is willing to kind of wedge up with that and be a part of that, then they're just as fucking dishonest as I am.

Especially, you know, and I've learned that, you know, if I watching myself and my friends, I've learned it based out of our experience. You know, I'm not up here just monologuing,

you know, and, and and and cataloging these things. The way the book outlines it is just part of sobriety for me. I'm no longer being brainwashed by my sponsor to cooperate with living behind the motives of the big book. You know, it doesn't take my sponsor an hour and a half to go over work with me because I'm not sitting there

Hemming and hawing, acting like he really don't know what the fuck he talking about.

You know, I've learned how to cooperate with this stuff and that's what I wanted to share or convey. The night man is if you're a newcomer, I would suggest doing with a lot of people have to do with time sober. Get used to practicing cooperation.

You know, one of the things that one of my sponsees does, and I know he does it because I have to start doing it and I could see it,

is you start making listening to your sponsor a good thing

instead of something the fucking bitch and debate about

and go and lay in the bed for hours after being instructed. You know, start wanting to change that and and make listening to your sponsor a good idea.

Notice I didn't say ideal because a lot of this should he be saying don't seem like a come from God, but nevertheless it's not coming from me. And my higher power is a humility junkie.

You know, my higher power gets off on humility. He's like smoking that shit every day.

And and so I'm one of his little bitches that goes out primarily and tries to push humility, you know? And since I can't do it the way my ego wants to, I try to stick with the way that you guys tell me to how to do it, how to practice humility. Answer these fucking questions, man. Here's another one real quick. I'm almost done,

it says. We reviewed our conduct over the years past

and that connects me to another part of the inventory on the in the other part of the book where it says I already know it by heart, I'm not going to look it up. I just don't want people to think I'm trying to be a guru. It says we reviewed our fears thoroughly in that part of the inventory. I mean, they really want me to

see and feel and like, rather than think and know like I really have to look at stuff because left to my own devices, you know, my story is I see things the way I want to see them so I can do what I want to fucking do.

And a a has just screwed that up for me. And I've made it a part of my life to like see the shitty shit that I don't want to fucking deal with and then write about it and talk to my sponsor and share it with my sponsees, the ones who I trust their direction that they live in and, and, and move forward. They had a quick trip

and and that's what I had to do with these questions. Man, if you're new,

all I can share is that

part of the insanity is that that I, I start believing that I don't have to do it the way it's outlined. I I want to tweak it. I want to put a spin on it. I want to add style

to my sobriety and stuff.

All I'm saying is that that shit is a dead end St. man.

Thinking about a couple of things today, I've had to.

I've had some things change, you know, moving out of this apartment and moving into this fucking closet.

And I, you know, I and I was thinking to myself, you know, musing that I really, I really need more removal of self centeredness and self will and and selfishness. I need more of that to be removed

and I'm just really grateful that I'm not confused about that.

Some people are,

you know, it took me about 10 years of sobriety and I and I didn't realize it until I heard somebody else share it. It's like, you know,

I, I can't spend a whole lot of time talking to myself.

So it's very unhealthy.

And I know some people like, get off on it. And I see even people like moving their body while they do it. And, you know, I'm at 21 years sober. I'm very uncomfortable with talking to myself.

I lose. I see people like like gaming with it and having a great time with it tonight. I just think it's really, really a bad idea

just be talking to myself about all this bullshit instead of being open for somebody else. And that's what I see at the end of my share here and on page 70 is like when the most powerful part of this thing is not not getting through the guilt and the shame of the circumstances that I don't want to share with anybody. Like, the most powerful aspect of this is what I started with when I alluded to Larry. And it's like,

how is this going to benefit somebody else? How am I going to be able to share my experience with another alcoholic?

You know, How am I going to be open and ready to help somebody walk through these questions, man, instead of just tripping off of the weight of the questions? What am I answering this stuff honestly enough to be a channel for my higher power to use for me to help another guy or gal get through this stuff? And I don't think that the answer to that question is in my pitch or my mood. It's in the people that are in my life

when my grand sponsors, not in grand sponsor is down there telling my landlord that this man helped me stay alive,

stuff like that.

When I take these almost 30 calls a day from the other side of the country and people are asking me and guys like Robert and stuff about these questions about their sobriety as a part of their writing assignment, but they ever come.

You know the proof is in, you know over half my sponsee is having over five years of sobriety.

You know, that I'm connected to that, that I haven't really initiated any of it

disprove in my life today besides all the things that I want to say,

you know, and I'm really grateful that Alcoholics Anonymous is based on facts out of our experience. And we're not just sitting around here theorizing so we can look good and feel better that we're picking your fucking ass up because we know what we're doing,

you know? And we're helping you out because you fucking need it.

You know that. We have these meetings because we care.

No, we listen to our sponsors because we don't want to go the fuck back out there.

And if anybody wants to be the opposite of that, so be it.

I ain't gonna go to jail for kidnapping.

You know we don't. I don't believe in practicing felonies today. Kidnapping is a fucking felony, man. He used to tell me, and I'll close with this if I didn't want to get with this information so that I could best help somebody else. You know, a new person. Come here.

He would reach across my stomach in that vocal and open that door and tell me to get the fuck out of his car

and I would close the door and reached out into my bag to pull out my step work and start reading it.

You know it was an option. That was the option.

No go or stay.

And I'm really grateful that AA is that way, because as a manipulator, I will vacillate and and, and and and navigate to everything but the fucking truth

and live this way alive, you know, I'm a real alcoholic. So anyway, I'm grateful to be here. And the inventory is just another part of walking through fear, you know? And I have to learn how to practice that in order to stay here.

And I'm just really grateful to be a part of this. Thanks a lot.