Portland Harbor Group in Portland, ME

My husband S going to speak after me so I just want to make sure I don't suck up the whole time because that's who I am. I'm really selfish and I like all of you to pay attention to me. Just kidding,

not really.

But it took me a long time to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and that I was an alcoholic. Who wants to admit that when you first come in here? Probably none of you. Or maybe, I don't know, I was not one of them,

but it's

I'm going to let God step in here at some point. I'm just going to sort of go through the, you know, my experience and hopefully my strength and hope will definitely come through my higher power so that one of you can hear something. Or if not, I just get to remind myself why I'm here and what my purpose is.

But yeah, I mean, I had a very, I was around alcoholism my whole life.

And I was introduced to AA when I was 16, but had really no idea or desire to join or be part of

a, because I wasn't as bad as all of you and I didn't have the same stories as all of you. And my story, you know, so unique and I was just so different,

which really didn't end up being the case. My experience was, was more just for me to be able to pass that on and hopefully to have another woman identify with it. And then we could, you know, build the solution through God together. That's sort of what I found now,

but my experience with drinking and where I really started to find out that I was powerless over alcohol

came in when I was,

it was back in 2010 and I had like thrown this huge surprise birthday party and it was a cocktail party in Harpswell. I don't know if any of you know where Hartsville is, but it's like this really little place and it takes, it's like 1/2 an hour away from town, which is where like a Hannaford is. So it's not very classy. It's not like exciting. But no one did what I wanted them to do that night. So I drank at them.

And I got so intoxicated at 20 that I wound up at a bar and left my 15 year old brother at this party

that I was his, I was his kin at this point. And I, I don't remember anything for the next few days because I was withdrawing from alcohol and that's, and that still wasn't enough for me. And he was really scared being left home alone

with all these other people who he had no idea who they were. But

I did slow down on drinking at this point. And I was just controlling it. I was kind of like the guy in the big book who, you know, had this engagement to be kept. And so he's not going to drink until, you know, the 25 years later and the carpet slippers come out and then he's off and running and doesn't even remember anything. So that's kind of how my story goes is I start to control, try to control my drinking. But

the last time, you know, my last run was

me trying to control my drinking and it it couldn't happen anymore. Like I couldn't not get drunk and I could not get drunk to the point of blacking out and not remembering things. And at this point, it was the last straw for the place that I was living. And I was told that I even needed to do the 12 steps or find another place to live. Well, finding another place to live look really great and doing the 12 steps did not.

And so who wants to hear that you need a spiritual solution?

Probably none of us, because what does that even mean? Like, what are you meaning a spiritual solution? Like I got this, I'm doing it

and and so I'm still not really admitting that I'm powerless over alcohol. I'm really not getting it. I don't want to but I'm doing it anyway. I'm going through the steps and it's on my 4th step and I'm writing resentments about my boyfriend who's controlling my drinking and telling me that I cannot have X amount of drinks because he doesn't like the way I behave.

Red flat, you know like. So I'm starting to realize like oh and how did I get into this for

relationship in the 1st place? Let's rewind. I was blacked out when we met. He had just gotten out of jail from an OUI knight in shining armor. Like hello like hey let's hang out. Like you are exactly what I want.

Until our relationship progressed this way and we. I did not say sober throughout this entire relationship, but he was mad at me for my drinking. Yeah, well,

so, you know, I'm like, I'm reading all this to my sponsor and she's like, you are totally one of us. Like what? Like I like, you know, do 'cause we are self diagnosed, we have to have a desire to self drinking to come in here. So she's like, do you at this point have a desire stop drinking? I was like, yeah,

I do. And it's funny now, but like, I was so

a gung ho on controlling and like being in power, like being powerless for me was not something I was willing to admit.

And and so, you know, and I have, I have a lot more experience that I could share. Like, you know, I got arrested at 15 for shoplifting. That could have been a red flag,

you know, whatever, just all sorts of things. But

funny story is that my five year class reunion was last week. And so I think like now being an AA, like, oh, maybe I have a purpose to go here. I could make some amends or I could show up. And the last time I talked to some of these women now that were in my class was another party I threw that girls were not doing or you know, men, whatever. People were not doing what I wanted them to do. And so I like lack of power has always been my dilemma. I just never realized it.

So I threatened them all with a butcher knife and told them all to get out of my house. But what I really meant was staying and have fun. But what I was doing was not that. And then when they weren't doing what I wanted them to do, which I'm sure was probably confusing, I, I, you know, I took the knife on myself. And so that scared, you know, a lot of my 15 year old friends and, and now they won't talk to me. And I, you know, I'm sitting there like, oh, yeah. And like, with a clear frame of mind, like, I probably really harmed those people. And it's probably best that

I don't try to make an amends to them and back off.

But

like so so I definitely am powerless over alcohol. My life absolutely became unmanageable and, and when I, you know, finally got in here, I,

I was hopeless. I was realized finally beaten down and, and it was a spiritual and emotional hopeless for me. I didn't, you know, I didn't have one of those like low bottoms. I didn't really lose. All my family members were kind of distant at that point anyway. And,

and I didn't have a lot to lose. You know, I had a car that I had for a long time and I was still driving that. So I didn't, it was more like internally, it got to the point where I was just broken and I was really alone and I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody. And

because I had shut them all out again, because I, that was kind of my goal at one point. I was like, well, if I don't have to deal with you, I'll be OK. And so I kept you all out here and I never knew my truth and I could never talk to you about my truth because I was so delusional, because I continued to believe my own lies. And

and this is where my God came in. And it's, you know, my God, conscience was like, right all the way down in my belly.

And it was this little voice and it said, you need to call the one person that you don't want to call. And this one woman was in a A and she had a spiritual solution and she was sponsoring women. And she, every time I'd come to her with my problems and my woes, she'd say, wow, you know, like you should always have the silver, silver lining. I don't even know what it was 'cause I didn't even get it. But I called her and you know, I'm like, I am, I am hopeless, I am powerless. I don't know what to do. I can't move on.

Like I was to the point where I couldn't even like get in my car to go home because I was like, and I was leaving a meeting. This is my whole point. And I was just like, I don't know what to do. I I don't know what to do. She's like, well, first of all, you definitely got alcoholism and second of all, you need a sponsor. So these are all things that I still am like why do I keep getting directed to this program?

And she was like, I have a number for you. Call this woman, meet up with her for coffee and and let me know how it goes.

So I met a brother for coffee and she didn't tell me any of what I wanted to hear. She she definitely explained a spiritual malady to me and how I I was very selfish and that I continued to do things based on self and it put me in harm's way. And then I had a choice whether or not I wanted to do that anymore.

And I, I, I had never heard that before. I just thought that in what I didn't realize was that was all insanity is. I thought that I was stuck in that cycle. And I thought that by me doing the same things over and over and over again that eventually I'd get a different result. But it, it never was going to happen.

And so she offered me a different way to live. And so I ended up switching sponsors shortly after I went through the steps with her. But

but that was my first like reaching out for help and asking to live in a different way. And my, the first little light of hope that I found in this program and the first woman that I was able to be vulnerable with and to really like breathe again, like I, I was OK.

And so the second time that I went through, I went through a little more thoroughly.

And this is what I really, this is what I, you know, pass on and this is what I love.

And in our second step, we really talked about how it's a cornerstone and, and that upon this cornerstone, we're going to build an arch to walk through. And I love metaphors

because I need visuals and I need clear cut directions or else I'm going to mess it up.

And so, so I could get that I could get this step one was like my solid foundation

and that my cornerstone would be God. And, and this idea of God, however big, however small, whatever, whatever, whatever. I I, I mean, that could go on for a long time,

but she directed me like I could have spent a long time on Step 2 and what God is. But she's like, write down a few things now. Oh, good. OK, yeah, I can do that

and my God ideal has changed. But what has remained the same for me is that I believe in it, and that I'm willing to believe in it,

in that without that, my life found on self will is going to get me those same results. And I'm unwilling to live that way again.

So

we proceeded on to step three. And, and also in Step 2, like I, I got a whole bunch of new ideas, a bunch of new ways to live life. Like I wasn't going out on a vengeance anymore. I was starting to gain a purpose and much more relaxed and calm. Like her husband laughs now, but he's like, when I first met you, you were off the wall erratic. Like you, no one could be around you. You're just so loud

and and he's like now you know, like you take a breath and you're calm and and that's great because that person was not me. That was like a character that if you know, just

that I need to put on to keep you out here and today I don't want to do that today. You know, I try really hard to be vulnerable and, and to share a lot of the things that are going on with me, even if that's saying like, I'm embarrassed and I was wrong, which I have to do often with my husband because he's also in this program. So,

you know, he tells me all the time, like, stop trying to be so cool. You're not. I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm not Like, I don't know why I need to be. You know, why do I try to be cool? It's 'cause I'm scared.

And so in order for me to really let go of my will and my, my thoughts and to have God direct me, I have to, you know, continue to surrender. And that's all part of step one. I think all the steps are kind of intertwined, but I have to really, you know, think about what, what it is that I, who it is I want to be. Because the reason I got in here was because I crossed all of my own moral lines.

So I I will never do this. I'm doing it then. I'm doing it often. Well, I will never do this on a Friday and then I'm doing it on a Friday. Like I just never had any guidelines in my life or, or knew how to live. I was, yeah, I was a mess. So that's why the God idea really works for me because it's baseline clear cut and and I agree with them.

And so

in my first step, there were some things in there from my past, in my childhood and things that I mean when I was really young, like 5, that I didn't even realize I was doing

that I was, I was really ashamed of. And before I even started writing my 4th set my sponsor

told me a lot of her fist up stuff and I was like yeah OK I have all those same things

so I am absolutely alright to write about this and see what my truth is. But before that I was really scared and I didn't share some of those things with my first sponsor and I didn't realize and I was lucky to to get back into it so quickly because because I I do believe had I not been able to share that I would have been sick still. Because any secret I keep is just something for me to build off of.

And again, like I pain is my motivator. I do not want to be in spiritual pain anymore.

So,

so I go through my, you know, my resentments and I'm mad at a lot of people and I have a lot against myself, a lot against the actions and, and the woman that I was. And,

and the truth most of the time was like, I just wasn't being who I wanted to be. I wasn't, you know, I, I was selfish. I was trying to get my way over and over and over and over again and it just never happened.

And then fears. I had a lot of fear and every time,

umm, you know, we got, we got down to the, the core of them. And it's like fear that I'll drink and if I drink I'm to die and if I'm to die, I don't know and that there is no God. So every time my baseline fear was that there is no God, There's not a plan for me and I'm screwed. Well, if I trust and rely upon God, is that real? No. And did I ever? No,

so, so throughout this process, it's all about gaming,

that trust, but the higher power is trying to live a different way. And, and again, it's something I believe in, something I try to practice often, daily, you know, in all situations. And I'm starting to see that I am able to do that now.

And in my ask for my sex inventory.

So on my first sex inventory, I, I was very bare bones about it. I was like, Oh yeah, you know, I had these boyfriends, whatever.

Well, one of my sponsor explained to me that it was how I conducted myself as a woman

at a whole lot of people

and the Harms Done column. I caused a lot of harm

to many different people, to men and women, to even, you know, to my father and that, you know, that's some serious truth to to start to see. But if I don't see that, I'm not going to be able to, to not live that way. So

in, in looking through all that, like I and, and all I really had to do was copy and paste the nine questions and just change the first name like it was all the same. My contact was over and over and over over.

But

what I thought was really cool after that was I got to make a sex ideal of who I wanted to be and what I was looking for in a relationship. And I have a pet owner ideal now. I have a employer ideal, I have a sponsor ideal. I have all sorts of these ideals that I'm able to live my life by and they're ever changing, you know,

but again, without some like consistency and structure in my life, like

I'm a mess and,

and I love, well, I don't love, but my character defects come up often for me. I don't know about anybody else, but for me they are really sometimes blatantly obvious. And it's always when I'm in pain that I'm willing to look at them.

But I I was also told that the more I practice them, the last five can remove them. And so sometimes it takes me 47 times to practice the same character defect until I realize that I need to

ask for it to be removed. But humility is one of my big character defects. I have a lot of

pride and for me to get humble and for me to get humble with somebody else and for me to get humble with God is just, you know, and that's what that fifth step is. It says admit to yourself, to God and to somebody else the exact nature of your wrongs.

And sometimes I, I don't those three parts,

they're, I don't know, sometimes I feel like they're optional, but they're not. And so

and

yeah, step seven, yeah. So that humility for me has just been something.

I if God absolutely removed all of my defects that were detrimental to society, and I'm grateful for that. But there's a lot of other things that sort of made me up. You know, I had a lot of, like I said, like pride. Like I am constantly thinking about how you're thinking of me.

That comes up for me all the time. How is this person viewing you in this situation?

And some of the big things for me that come out of that I

are, you know, selfish and dishonest and abandonment and loneliness and fear and, you know, all these things just like they, they'll come up now. And I, I didn't even realize that they were there. And a lot of them came up at my wedding. I had a lot of unresolved resentment against my dad and I had no idea. And I had already made amends to my dad. And so

even in recovery, I went right back to that little girl who was defensive

and I was protecting myself again. And I was unable to be vulnerable and have humility and just say like, I'm scared, like I'm embarrassed or, you know, just those simple conversations as and I was trying to protect myself.

And so, so I'm really grateful for, for all of these experiences to, to keep me growing, to keep me learning, to keep me

getting rooted in my truth. And, and a lot of the time, my truth is my God

and becoming willing to make amends.

I like I said, I need a lot of my men's pretty early on

and and now like I'm at a point in my relationship with my dad where, you know, he's unwilling to hear an immense from me from my behaviors on my wedding day.

But As for my relationships with my mom and my brother and even, you know, ex boyfriends and their families, like I never realized in like I said, in the harms done category, like who who was affected by this? There was a lot of people in some of those relationships that I

really had no idea, like parents or, you know, at a Christmas party. And I was really embarrassing.

And so did it go out to make events to all of them? No. But some of them I felt like I had really directly harmed and, and I've been able to make amends to them and be part of their life. And that's a huge gift.

And, and I think that making amends and your character defects like

to be vulnerable and humble, to admit your wrongs to these people, you're less likely to start practicing those same defects in, in your current relationships. And I think that that's really special that we're able to do that

because that's that's where a lot of the magic happens is families can be put back together, relationships can be built, new ones can be built.

And, and all of that is God's work.

And step 10 is just a cool little way to wrap up four through 9. And sometimes if I'm really on it, I can just go right through it and I don't know any anybody an apology. But do I do that all the time? No, sometimes it takes me a couple of days to realize that. But there was, I have a really cool step 10 story that

again, all this humility and pride and I

one of my character defects is my looks. And I've been told I have looks that can kill,

which at first was kind of funny for me and now being in recovery, but that's not the woman who I want to be. I don't want to give you a dirty look and and make you feel bad because then that makes me feel bad for practicing that. So

I felt my face can torque towards this woman and she's a she's a mutual friend. She's a friend of mine, but she did not have the right answer to when my wedding was. And I was like,

what you should know. And

and so that night it came up like I owe her an apology. I don't want to be that person. And when I called her about it, I was like, you know, I, I feel so I owe you an amends. I don't want to be this person. I want to be loving and kind to you and honor our relationship. And she's like, I didn't even realize that you did that.

I was like, oh man, you know how hard it was for me to be that horrible and like that humble to you,

but it was good because I need to, I needed to clean that up or else I I wouldn't be able to sleep that night and instantly like that for I mean, that level of truth is so important for me today because that's just another one of those secrets. I would have just continued to act upon it, had no idea.

And. And yeah, I love like, I've,

I'm homeless right now. I'm Home group list, I should say. And so like, I'm starting to get connected down here in the Portland area. And it's pretty cool how I don't really have to do much. Like there's women in my life who just come in at exactly the right time. And I was just asked to facilitate a woman's retreat on Step 12.

And so I, I really love step 12. I love

there's three parts to it and I love that in order to have had a spiritual awakening, we had to be asleep at some point. And to practice all of these principles in our affairs, we have to start to know what they are. So that's why you go through the 12 steps. With each step there's a principle. And so her and I are going through this and, you know, we're really excited and we're fired up about it and

like how how to practice these principles in all of our fairs because I find that it's so like, I love working with other women. I love sponsoring other women. I love connecting with fellow women in this program

and it it's just awesome to have that mutual relationship.

But to practice them in all of our affairs where no one's looking is sometimes a different story. Like am I always picking up the trash when I miss the trash can? You know, simple things like that are getting the giving money back

when somebody gives me the wrong change. But just being aware that those

are part of me now

is such a miracle because that definitely wasn't who I used to be and I had no idea how to do that.

But

right about at the end of time and I just want to say thank you to Krista for asking me to come and share. And hopefully you guys heard God tonight and hopefully I wasn't too much in the way. I don't know.

Thanks.

All right. Yeah, My name is Nate. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for the invite. Appreciate it.

Yeah, on. I know I don't have to stick to the fifth step for a full half an hour, but it's, it's pretty random really. I actually just had a had a chance to do like a, a makeshift 5th step with my sponsor today. I didn't plan it so that I could have something awesome to talk about either. It just happens. Like that's what happens when I'm actively working a program. Like I let some some stuff go, you know what I mean? Stuff that came up in nightly reviews that I didn't want to process thoroughly. And the stuff sticks around, you know? So that's what I do. I process it, you know,

and it doesn't have to be like a big sacred thing for me today. Like my sponsor now lives in Texas. So we just get on the phone, you know, we cut out half an hour and we do it and I move on. You know, I see what's going on and, and I move on. And most importantly, like, I take that that stuff to my higher power, you know, like without, without looking at that, without looking at like, what am I glaring defects in this stuff that's going on with me that's eating me up enough for me to like, you know, need to write it out thoroughly.

And then like, what can I be with God's help? Like, the sky is not even the limit for me, you know, And I guess that's

a lot of what recovery has to do for me today is that I'm a human being. Like every, as far as I can tell, everybody in the room looks like a human to me. So I think we're all in the same boat. And but that's kind of like what I never wanted to be, you know, never wanted to be human. That was my whole deal. That's why I pump stuff into my body as much and as long as I did. I didn't want to feel human. I didn't want to feel human emotions. I didn't want to do human things. And I certainly didn't want to feel human guilt. You know, that was a big piece of what drove me

was the guilt that I felt and

not just guilt, but I can believe whatever lie I need to when I'm on something And and if I'm, if I'm getting drunk And obviously, like my story is, it is a lot like a lot of other people's, you know, like I, I wasn't too picky, you know, like if I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety and guilt and frustration and nerves, if there wasn't like a like booze around, I wouldn't be picky about what I put into my body. You know, like I was going to Oh no, I'm just AI just drank,

right? I'm all set. I'll hold off on your dry goods because I'm respectable alcoholic. You know what I mean? Like that was that was not my case. I did everything and anything that I could get my hands on, you know,

wasn't picky ever.

And but yeah, I mean, I think, you know, the, the 5th step is, is huge. And for me, I even felt it today. And I swear to God, I've said this every single time I read inventory to another man. This is so stupid. I don't even want to read it to you, you know, because I get so much truth. Like the way that I was, that I was, that I was brought up and taught to, to write inventory as a four column deal, where by the end of it, I'm embarrassed because it's so obvious, you know,

like I get to look at, you know, the first two columns I can bitch about, you know, like I can say this is them and This is why and blah, blah, blah. And then I get into like, what does it affect? You know what I mean? Where's my myself esteem, my emotional security, my financial security, my pride, my ambitions, all this stuff. And then, you know, I get into the point where I get to flip it all around, you know, and first time I wrote inventory, I didn't, I didn't have the experience of looking at a fourth step. It was like I got a chance to basically just bitch about everybody I was mad at.

I did two column inventory my whole life before I got into AAI didn't even know I was doing it. You know what I mean? I was just mad at everybody and This is why and you need to hear about it so you can end up on my arms done list because I stole your Peace of Mind by bitching in your ear. You know, like that's what I look like. Like I constantly I get mad at people. I rally the posse and I want them to be on my side, you know, because that's like a part of my alcoholism. Also, I'm manipulative and I want to make sure that you hear my version of the store before you hear there so you can be on my side, you know, and and I'm talking about this stuff as like,

I didn't know that had anything to do with alcoholism when I first got here, thought I had a drinking problem. I thought I drank too much and I needed to come not even here, but I thought I needed to go to rehab to like stop doing that. Like end of the story really. That was my my take on it, but not the case so much for me.

You know what the fear of what people thought of me drove me for a lot of my life. And it still does to some extent. You know, I'm looking around, I'm seeing familiar faces. I, I got, I got a chance to speak earlier in the week and I'm like, these people already heard me. They're bored out of their minds. They're going to leave,

but that's OK. I don't blame you if you do, but all the same, like

All in all, if I'm vulnerable, I'm all right. You know what I mean? I'm going to tell you guys like what doesn't work for me, why how I'm broken, you know, like how much of A failure I've been in certain areas of my life. And I swear to God that stuff connects me with some people, you know what I mean? Maybe not with everybody, but the people that really need to hear it. Like that's how I connected with the people that have guided me through this program, you know, was seeing their vulnerability and seeing that they were, they were broken. You know what I mean?

Like all of a sudden, I don't have to be all these things that I'm not. I'm allowed to come into a A and tell you how busted up I am. And I need help, you know,

and if, you know, unfortunately, like for any of us that aren't at that point, why would I touch a step? I wouldn't,

you know, I mean, and that's just in all fairness to the deal, like like the 12 steps of AA were not on my, you know, my punch list. When I first checked into detox, it wasn't the case for me. I thought I needed to go there, dry out, get, you know, sober or whatever that even looked like and, and just stopped doing what I was doing and go back and like show everybody how great I was doing. Basically. That was like my thing, you know, I wanted to

to make sure I put my life together so that I could go back and say look how good I did. That's what I I'm going to bounce here. But like that, that was my DL2, like when I first,

but I was still a little sick after my first trip through the steps and saw, you know, I got to my list of all the people that I had harmed that I needed to go and make amends to, you know,

wow, like just a forewarning. If your list is way along with people that you probably really don't need to see, you might want to check it out one more time with your sponsor because that was the case for me. And I say that because there were a lot of female names on that list. Then I wanted to go check in with, you know what I mean, to like see, so they could see how good I was doing. And you know, boy, you got the busted up version of me. You should have the best of me now, you know.

But anyway, yeah, so Needless to say, as soon as I like had this monstrosity list

and and I got a chance to share it with a sponsor and he's like, yeah, we're going to cut this by about 3/4. Like you're going to basically ruin more lives if you go and do this. So let's just let's get to the stuff where you really did harm. And and that was another thing, like I don't have the luxury of like saving my own skin at the at the cost of other people. I did that my whole life. You know, I remember literally like being in so much emotional pain over the things that I was doing that I would kind of overflow and I would need to like, basically just

vent it on someone, usually the wrong person, you know,

have all the stuff going on. And I tell the person, probably the one that didn't need to hear what I was about to say, I'd tell them and basically like drag them down with me so that I could feel a little better, you know, And this program has taught me that that's not the way that I do things. You know, it can't be like unless I want to get right back into the spiritual sickness that drove me here in the 1st place, I can't do that. I can't let continue to hurt people and pretend it's OK

because there's no more delusion for me these days. Like when I heard someone. It's real and it's raw and it's obvious

and I feel like a phony and all like I'm saying this because that's usually how it progresses. You know, by the end of like 15 minutes of feeling that guilt that I hurt someone, I'm a phony and I don't belong in a A and I'm not qualified to speak here, you know, like that's just how myself destructive mind plummets downward in a hurry, you know, and what that really is is me not being honest. That's really all it is. I think that's so simple. You know, like anybody knew that I work with, I always tell them like, if you can just be honest, even with me

and yourself, like you've got a fighting chance at being of doing this. You know,

I think that's true. You know, for a lot of us, most of us, anybody that that can have the capacity to be honest is like, you know, you hear all the time, like honesty, open mindedness and willingness will keep you around. You know, I good luck with the honesty. You know, like I said, like that's important and if you can do it, it's awesome. You know, like I could be as honest as I could be when I was when I was first coming around. It's not the honesty that I have in my life today. I can tell you that, you know, it's a lot different for me these days because, you know, as I've gotten

more and more awakened to who I really AM and what's acceptable for me, things have changed. You know what I could do my first year of sobriety would probably kill me nowadays if I tried to do it, you know, and that's OK. Like I needed all of it. I think we go through everything we need to go through to get to where we're going. I'm a firm believer in that. Like it all happens in pieces because if I had gotten like, and it's going to keep changing, that's the cool thing. Like I don't stand here and say like, wow, I'm glad I've experienced the greatest level of truth there is because it's not true, not even close. You know, I know for a fact that like I

much more to go through and things that are going to be revealed in my life and that's exciting to me 'cause like there's no finish line in a a there's no end result. It's basically like if I get to die, you know, clean, and I mean soul clean, you know, like if I die with nothing on my conscience, I've done well, you know, I mean, there's really no other end result for me anyway. You know, I just need to

to treat every day as though as though it's my, it could be my last, I guess you could say.

And I don't deal well with like having things on my mind that I'm going to try to like forget about. Can't do it, you know, and before I, you know, go all over the place with this stuff, I just want to just back up here and tell you a little bit of like where I came from prior to realizing I was spiritually sick, because you know, that that was the case for me as a young as a young child. You know, I don't know, like I hear a lot of different versions and ways that people say it, but like there was a discomfort about my life. That's the best way I can think to say it. There was a discomfort about me

being alive that I would never tell you about, would never show. But I,

I overcompensated in a lot of ways as far back as I can remember, you know, because like just being me and being like who I really was was not, wasn't good enough, you know, and I always needed something more. And obviously like my, my craving for something different, something more, something exciting when I was a kid, it just turned into my use later on, same thing. I found stuff that jacked me up quicker, you know, I found booze, I found drugs, I found all this stuff

that used to look like me going to fun town. I've heard my friend give this version of it. Like when he was a kid, he used to obsess for months about going to fun town and then it would happen and he's already freaking out that it's almost over. On the trip there, you know, it's so true. Like that was me. Like I'll plan the party, plan the party, plan the party, the parties happening and I'm just depressed because it's almost over, you know? What are we going to do? Like and I'm the guy that just won't let it go. Like I drink until my body shuts down. You know? I'm the guy that it's like 2 days later, people have gone on with their lives and I'm still chasing that dream

Friday night and it's Monday morning now, you know what I mean? And that's what I do. That's how I drink. And that's not normal. And whatever that word even is, I don't pretend to understand it, but I know people that can go in it, believe me. Like I don't pretend to understand it. Like I know people that can go out on Friday and I get hammered, have a great time, maybe even do some, some some like stuff that wouldn't sit well with me and they're OK. They go on with their lives. They stop drinking. Like they claim to have a hangover next morning. For me, that meant you needed to drink more, you know, like I never dealt with hangovers. I didn't understand why people did.