Hope and Happiness in Somerford, Bournemouth, UK

Cocaine or any specific drug. It is the disease of addiction. Could somebody please read the preamble?

With each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from their addiction. The only requirement for membership is desire to stop using cocaine and remind altering substances. There are no dues or fees for membership. We are fully self supported through our own contributions.

We are not allowed with any sex nomination, politics, organization or institution. We do not wish to engage in any controversy and we neither endorse or oppose any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay free from cocaine and all over my daughter in substances and to help others achieve same reason. We use the 12 steps of recovery because it has already been proven that the 12 steps recovery program works.

The format of tonight's event is going to be we're going to have a Home group member sharing 8:00. We're going to have food followed up by back-to-back shares from out of town speakers and then tea, coffee and fellowship after that.

So I'd like to hand you over to our first speaker, Home group member, Ryan. Thank you.

Right. Prepare to share fuel.

The thing is, I'll get so overwhelmed. I've never done this. I've done it once before and it was a nightmare. And I acted like the biggest tit and I suffered it for about five years after. It was deeply embarrassing and I should never have got up and done it because I wasn't even on the program. I wasn't using drugs, but I was two years clean. I probably wanted to kill myself.

I was probably at a Pornhub. It was just a nightmare. Everything about my life at that time sucked And, and I sounded good in meetings. Do you know what I mean? I sounded spiritual. I sounded well. And I suppose we were quite young at that time and, and I suppose some I thought I was somebody and some other people thought I was somebody and they soon found out I fucking wasn't.

It was deeply embarrassing. So if you get the opportunity to do a share and you're not working the programme,

be warned. You know, I mean, so anyway, my name is Ryan. I mean, I'm an addict. Yeah. I think the, the best lesson that I learned personally when I got into recovery, which was in 2000 when I when I got into recovery properly in April 2004, was I met my sponsor. He got put on me by some by some friends I had and he said start reading the book.

I started reading the book. It was like in one ear out here that I started listening to share C DS. It was in one ear out the other and I was just a mess. But over time

he started coming round to my bed sit and and he took time out of his work. He's a busy man and we started reading the big book together And probably the best thing that I've ever read. But I'm nothing is the doctor's opinion. Because for me it explains why I do what I do and why I do what I do is because I'm a drug addict. Because physically I'm different. I am not the same as my dad.

I am not the same as my sister

and it's like calling what you will, but it's like a hypersensitivity to drugs. So physically, if I put one in and this is like a beer, this is a stone, this is a bit of arrow in, this is a bit of Wiz, this is like whatever it is, a bit of puff. It kind of doesn't matter. But if I put it in my system, bang, that's it, I'm off. I can't stop it with my head.

I'm done. I'm fucked. And that to me, if I've got that, Does anyone identify with that as having a physical allergy? Yeah, but one mad thing to cheer when I when I when I got this, it was profoundly changing to me as a person. But equally it was I was bitterly.

Yeah,

profoundly upset

because then that what that lent itself to was you've got this kind of that or that decision and you are either going to, as it says, pick up the spiritual, like you're either going to do the steps or you're not. And if you don't, now you know, you now you know really what an addict is. If you don't, well, you know what that's about. You fucked and you're going to you. You are going to

still bikes of five year olds in the street

or

are we laughing at this?

So I'm in the shop with this guy. Yeah, and we're doing what we have to do, he says. You be the distraction. So I'm at the counter doing what I'm doing at the counter and he's got off on this kids bike.

It's fucking, it's not fully

and he's fucking awful.

And then I've gone out and you justify USA. I didn't take the bike

and me mate's there like, oh, this screaming up the road. And then I turned to the kid and he's and The thing is, you have so much thoughts. He had more spirit in him than I did me. And he's like, stop it, Fucking stop it.

He's balling his eyes. He's broken off, nicked his bike. And it's like, so I'm either going to live this life doing whatever it is that I have to do, Yeah,

or I'm going to have to get into the steps. And I came to, I came to Bournemouth and I think 1999 from the Midlands. So I've been in and out of the fellowship and I've never really done it. Yeah, the steps, I've never really got involved. So I suppose I was ready and it was my time and I started doing it. So I met my sponsor at that time and we started getting into the book. We started doing some readings and I made that decision.

So whether it was I'd had enough or not, I don't think you know, but I, I, I'd, I was, I don't know.

It's like my actions were showing me what I was doing. I started reading the book, I started getting into it. I started understanding what the steps were, started to have an experience with what they were. Me and Adrian at the time were doing this layer side stuff. And it's profoundly good, but it's also profoundly disturbing because you start having an open mind and you really can start changing if you embrace this thing. So we're doing that

and and I'll start to feel different. I started to feel different and then one day I did something so different from what I always do

is I phoned him up. It wasn't like we'd arranged for him to come round to do this thing. I woke up and I was almost in tears. It's like there was nothing going on. I didn't have to work. I was just like crushed as a person. And I saw him in my bed. Sit. I opened my eyes. There's fucking blood all over the ceiling. Do you know what I mean? It's just, it's a disgraceful place and, and I'm like

just like that crying and I'm like, God, please help me,

God, please help me. And it's like it's so embarrassing to get to that where I thought so highly of myself my entire life because I was quite a strong fella. I was respected in town. I used to be able to earn a few quid and it had come to this while I was crying in a bedsit, unemployable, horrible, just on the back end of a horrible habit. And I called my sponsor and that was, that was a defining moment for me.

I called him up and I'm like, I don't know what to do

at all. And he's like, there was this, there was this recovery house from one of the treatment centers and, and there were people there and he says go down there and knock on the door and asked to come in. And that was like, fuck,

Are you sure?

Like having to deal with whatever life was I found particularly hard.

And he's like, he's at work so he can come round and save me. Do you know what I mean? I prayed like, oh God. And and that was enough to Get Me Out of bed and phone him up. So I got changed, went down to this recovery house, knocked on the door and it was Rich Yell who was there in this house? And I said

like that. And he's like, you better come in,

have a have a cup of tea. And it was.

And it was very much like my first meeting and my first meeting I went to. It's like fucking orange air out here, like a orangutan. Just like fucking hell. Just everything was freaking me out. And I've gone into their house and it was like fucking hell, everything was freaking out. But the difference was, is I did it.

That was the thing. I did it. I just did it. That was the difference. I did it, I got through it. I didn't. My big fear was that I'd fallen on the floor and have a fit and I have to be. That was my big fear. Do you know what I mean? Feeling it in your neck and you just got holding it together and it's like,

and you just at a table having tea with a couple of other, you know what I mean? It's like, and he was really like, that's how, that's how, that's how I found myself drug free.

Do you know what I mean? It was like,

and we hadn't even gone into the body image issue, the fucking sex stuff for this time. This is me clean a fucking mess. Yeah, he's a disgrace. Anyway,

I was going to meetings. I didn't have a lot going on. I was probably going to meet in a day, maybe a couple of meetings a day. There was nothing else to do. And I sort of embraced it, did it, got a bit healthy, continue to do it. And then it was like, and now it's time for you to step forward.

It's time to do your homework

because all we've done is chatted. We just talked. You know, we went to the went to a golf course to do my step three prayer. And the mad thing about the golf course, I think it was Merrick Park and there'd been a murder the week before. And it's like, yeah, we can do this. Yeah, My husband, he's been his murder. And I was like getting off on this as a story to people. Just identify myself with like I was real. I was really a mess. I was really a mess

and it's time to do your own work and look at your stuff and really try some phoning him up and what? This is bullshit he's going on.

Yeah, it is. I know I'm going, this is insane. What I'm writing down is going. I know. And I'm like, this is bullshit. He's like, I know, do you know, and I expected him to go, no, do it a different way. Write something else down. And it was just,

I started to look at my life and it was fucking nonsense. Do you know what I mean? The herd that I felt was like

it was out of work. It kinda wasn't correct. It was just totally out of whack. I was really like, not balanced. And anyway, doing all this stuff and then it's like moving towards that Step 5. And I believed when I read the book that if you don't shine a light on every fucking dark

thing,

then you might use again.

Do you know what I mean? And I was like,

really? I believed it. And I was like, but fucking hell, man, come on. Is this what any lenses is it? Is it me sexual behavior?

He fucking arms to the people, the the you know, stuff like this and whatever you're if you, you know, sit with yourself for a minute or two and just think about your worst. It was that. It really was that, you know,

there you go,

one of the same and, and I remember and he's there again, he's coming round my ass. And it's impressed me so much more than anything else did This geezer, I was coming round my house. He was such an example. He worked, he's a good looking fella. He could have been off with birds, he could have been doing whatever he wanted to do, but he was coming round my house and he was helping me in a profound way. Do you know what I mean? He was so like, good meaning, well-intentioned,

the lovely man. And he didn't say fucking do this. So you're gonna die. Do it my way. You're fucked.

Get your head in the book or fucking kick your head in.

He was just so like, not like that. And that worked for me so well because if anyone's telling me like, you gotta do like you gotta do, it's like, I'm not doing it. Fuck you. Fuck off. It would never have worked. It would never have worked. And

where was I? It was Step 5. And it did impress me so much. It impressed me so much. Just

just how he was. And anyway, then we started like talking about this stuff, you know, he's like, they're nodding. And I can't remember much about it other than when it come to a couple of things

and it was only two. And for whatever reason, I detached an awful amount of shame and an awful amount of embarrassment because I'm a mum and I'm supposed to behave in a certain way. Men do certain things. Men do not do certain things.

Yeah.

And he's, you know, I'm not going to get into that. And safe to say it was like afterwards, he's like,

all right, fair enough. So, and now you need to have a bit of quiet time and think about what you've done, you disgusting little bastard.

And it was like, and he didn't say that, but he might as well have done because that's looking how I'm hearing it. And

and I go out into, you know, down to the beach, the great beach of Bournemouth, thinking how disgusting the man just, oh, let me go another homosexual experience or something, anything that I didn't do that right, but anything to make myself feel better. Just like I'm just dying, just sowing myself and painful and

and thoroughly exposed. Do you know, I mean, I really did put a light on everything, everything, everything, everything. And and then maybe like, I don't know, you know, I don't know what was up, what was happening. I was probably doing the same kind of thing maybe a week, maybe a couple of weeks after that. Then I had this thing where it was as if

it was just as if a hand is coming to my head, took the drink and the drug thing and just gone and launched it. And it is never

come back for me. And I I understand that as I did everything in that Step 5, absolutely everything. And I've done step fives, I've done step fours before. Like I said, I was in and I was out and I was in and I was out and I always used again. So I didn't this time. So something was obviously different and I was doing something different

and then we moved on through the steps anyway. And, and here I am, I suppose nine years or eight years or nine years later,

not fucking up a tabletop shit. Do you know what I mean? So, so I suppose like we can get into the steps. I'm not going to get into the rest of them, but they're brilliant. I in particular at the moment like a men like the step 10 idea, which is

anyone help me. What was it

continued to say? Personal inventory? Promptly admit your wrongs to your wife. It should say

in my case.

And it's like this year I've had to work that. Yeah. And it's like, it's not her fault. Believe you me. It's really not. She's lovely. And but I find myself getting, like, annoyed or I'm always doing the washing up or why don't you get up, like, do the kids today? And she does all these things. And sometimes I buy it and sometimes I don't. But I have to like, you know, write that stuff because if I don't, I'm the kind of person that will sit on it and think right,

or fucking wait,

we'll see.

You like that.

And you're like, and you know what I mean? You can really get in that place, you know, and then and then it's two weeks later and you're like,

do you know what I mean? She's walking around thinking, what's wrong with him? Poor lad, you know, you need a meeting or you need whatever you need. And it's just like, man, I really have to learn to do that. But the great thing about practicing it

is you reap what you sow Do you know what I mean? And it's like through practicing that quite hard for a year or don't mean highlights. It's been hard, but just practicing it regularly for like a year. Odd. It's it's pretty easy to do and it's a pretty sweet thing when I do it because I just don't we don't get into that kind of hate. We don't get into that hurt. We get into that, like

with each other. Do you know what I mean? That happiness, that kind of spontaneity,

well, you're not thinking it through. Do you know? I mean, you just don't hold on to stuff. And that for me is just, it's a great thing, you know, and I do that a lot. I'm also into the meditation. I just like sitting down breathing just because I like it, you know. So I suppose everyone is going to find whatever their thing is in particular that they like. But the thing that I've learned through going through the steps is I can only have a practice one thing at a time. Because when I started out, I thought if I do the 12 steps, I'm going to be cured. So that was soon wrong because I'm sick.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah,

so anyway, it's bloody good is what it is.

So just let me check my sheet.

Alright, So when I was new, yeah, I, I applied for some money. There was some money going around. I was like, yeah, I want to do this community spirited thing, apply for some money. Next thing I know I got £17150,

never been into music, never into making music. And I was like, Oh no, I'm doing my fucking studio.

Find out some gays are that. Got told that studio was selling it from up north. Me and me might have gone up north. It's a big thing like that. And 'cause it was big, I saw it. I love it.

1300 quid, yes sweet like that, fucking didn't know how to use it. And they fuck all of our music and before you know, I've got this big thing in my one bedroom flat in Boscombe, like fuck, you know. So I figured out how to use it. Yeah, probably like minimally. And what's the first thing I'll do?

Fucking make a share CD of me

and what's the next thing I'll do, right? I forget. I forget. Listen to it for probably about six months straight.

Every night like that my missus is there just thinking

think on it goes and then in the end of I'm starting to talk to her about this. Keys has got it going on. This is why this is the real shit.

You know,

and I did, I had this thought like, well, a lot of people do. There's a lot of people don't, but a lot of people do. And they hear like powerful share CDs and you think, yeah, it's gonna be me one day that's gonna be fucking me. And that might have got me through whatever stages it got me through. Do you know what I mean? Cause at the end of the day, my first couple of years, like I said, year 2,

when I did that share of fucking, if I'd had a good, maybe I would have put in my mouth. Do you know, I mean, I was just so wrong. I felt so messed up. And it, I didn't really. And I was doing what I had to do was do it Like I was turning up to the meetings, trying to do the step work, trying to carry the message, trying to hear the message, trying to get a job, trying to do all this stuff. And it was sort of working out, but it sort of wasn't working out, you know. And the thing that I learned from that is I still got to keep, I just got to stay in the game

irrespective of what's going on. And that was just, you know, in the book sometimes or in the reading sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. You know, by the third year, it's like I'm still a bit pissed off, but sort of all right, you know, I'm not good for sponsorship though. And then fourth year it's sort of like maybe the same thing. Maybe a bit of confidence is coming, like genuine kind of confidence. 5th year, I phoned up my mate who had a, another lad who had a real profound effect

going, why am I so fucking hungry? And I was asking him a sincere question. I was like, why? Why am I so angry all the time? And he's going, at least you're not walking around that fucking California being Mr. Spiritual. Put the phone down like that. Do you know what I mean? And I, and I really responded to that because I was like, you fucking know what? I'm glad I'm not doing that because I was, I was behaving like a real prick at times. Do you know what I mean? I got into that game off and I don't know if anyone else has done it. And if you have more power to you.

There was some big people as I saw them in the Fellowship, yeah.

And people looked up to them and I was like, I want a bit of that.

So all I said in the Saturday meeting that I had that I was part of in the YMCA Saturday afternoon meeting, I remember I was saying it with crystal clear ones. Skis are looking at me with disgust. So if you not here to wear the fucking steps, you can fuck off.

And I'm. So it's really down to people working their program that I didn't get a smack in the mouth. Do you know what I mean? It was disgusting. Yeah,

I already was. I remember phoning this geezer once and phoning him up and he's like, oh, how's it going? And I was like, I started to talk. He went fuck off and put the phone down

and I was like what? And then he's phoning up a couple minutes later like

I'm just like in pieces, just in pieces a mess. And I really learned from that. Do you know what I mean? Because this whole process, as far as I see it, like I was saying about like amending to the wife and taking imagery, it's like that humbling, humbling, humbling process.

Getting into that bit of humility, sort of like losing that drive for me, me, me, me, me, me, me, you know? And I found that out through the steps that that for me, is the fucking root of my problems.

I'm just profoundly selfish.

Here's a story about selfishness. I was,

I was living my wifes mom and dads. So they let us move in there because we're saving for our to buy our first property. Yeah,

we've had our first baby there and so they're away, probably in France or something. He misses away doing whatever. She's doing things upstairs, asleep,

everything's wonderful, everything's good. So I tell some toast,

lovely bit of toast, go in the front room, eating the toast, it's all good. And then this crumb lodges itself in my throat kind of thing. And I'm like,

I'm like, fuck,

this is it.

I'm like, this is it. This is when people die. And I was like, like, I'm not joking. I was like,

I'm just like, I'm a fucking hell. Well, it wasn't. I was like inside of myself

doing this thing on really trying to breathe, can't breathe. And then this fucking this calm, this all comes over me and I'm like, this is it. This is fucking it. I'm going out like this.

I'm slowly sort of going down on one knee. Yeah, I'm in. I'm in the moment. It's all. It's really all right. It's all right. I mean like, I mean like that.

And then I fucking noticed the mirror.

And what I want to do is take this one last look at myself before I could look it,

just to see my face one last time.

Fuck, you know, you know, I mean, I've hit the floor, hit the deck, and then boom, pop myself out of it. But fucking hell just epitomize his selfishness. And that's, that's been prevalent my entire life. Me, me, me, me, me. The good, the bad and ugly. It's always been about me. Do you know what I mean? Have a lot. 5 minutes

I'll see. Another story about selflessness is

I'm a shop in Liddles. I'm not trying to say it. I love Liddles. Yeah, I think there's great stuff in there. I mean, Liddles were oldie. It's one or two and

I think it was this Easter just gone. I think so earlier on the year.

And I have this thought I'm like, so this is the unselfish thought, right? I know I'll buy Nicole a present and I'm not like that. I was like in in liddles. I'm like fucking out. That's right. And I'm looking around, looking around, looking around, and then we get to the sweet aisle. Or are you getting into the sweet Isle? And I'm like,

see this thing and it's like in a film

and it's it's like gold wrapper. It's almost like the lighting is behind. It's almost just one of them moments. I was like,

it's a sign I'm getting this thing. I look at it, my Jeez, this is God, the marzipan egg

kind of thing. I'm like, right, that's it, getting this present. I'll go home. I'm like, I've brought her a present like this. It's like, oh, right, what is it?

I'll go to the park, I'll get it out and I'm like

by this, she goes, it's marzipan. And I'm like,

I've known her for 10 years. She goes, I don't like Mars. And then I'm like, oh, I like marzipan,

you know, I mean, Jesus Christ.

So it's not even in my good intention. I'm fucking looking out for me, do you know what I mean? And it's alright though, it's alright, it's alright. So I suppose in closing,

I'll I'll tell you one of my favorite stories, one of my favorite experiences, bar none. It's one of them. One of my one of my most favorite experiences in recovery was when my missus says I do kind of thing. And it was still up to that.

It was still like, I'm not kind of person. It's a bit afraid of that, like something's going to go wrong.

Do you know? I mean, she said. So that was that was one of them. And then the other one is if I'm not spiritually fit,

it's like bad Dad.

Yeah. So everyone has their own kind of feeling about it. Yeah. And I'm not tip top. And me, son, he's 3 1/2 ish now and maybe half a year ago, something like that. He's rubbing it the wrong way. It's not his fault he's three. I've clipped him around here. And I thought, fucking alright,

that shit, do you know what I mean? And you can think it's almost, you think you're not doing anything. For me it was like it was shit, he's done nothing wrong. He's fucking three. So what do I do?

Step 10, Step 10. So I've been doing it with misses. So I'll get down to his level and I swear to God, right, he cops on to what's going on. It's like something special is going on. That's how I felt and I'm sure he felt that. I'll get down in my knee. I'm going to go thin on my That was out of order.

I'm really sorry. In his life, he's just hearing it. He's hearing it. And

what did I say? Fucking don't forget the story,

I said. Well, I said that was the worst. He was really sorry, I said. I said something like, what would you like me to do? To do, to sort of like make it make it up to you? What do you want me to do?

And he's dead already. He's looked at me like that. He's got his hands, he's got my head. He's pulled me in, kissed me on the forehead and let me go. Walking phenomenon was and asked me. All right. Thank you very much.

Lovely. Thank you, Ryan. We'll break now for food. We'll have 1/2 hour break for food now and we'll be back here for 8:30 for the next sharer, please. Thank you.