The Hawaii Annual Convention in Honolulu, HI

Hi everybody. Alcoholic. My name is Elizabeth.

I'm a member of Hang Loose, which meets on the island of Oahu and Kaneohe Thursday nights. Not tonight. Tonight I'm with you guys. I just wanted to say that our house must be squeaky clean. That was a fearless and thorough house cleaning that Kavika just did for us.

And umm, I was sitting there thinking in my frightened state that he just took 10 minutes of my time.

Right. Selfish and self-centered at times,

it's an honor and a privilege to be at any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. The single most important thing in my life

is Alcoholics Anonymous and that I have been transformed by the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

That I've been changed from the inside out, that I'm not the woman that I was that got here

in April of 1999. My sobriety date is April 5th, 1999. I have a sponsor, I have a Home group, I sponsor others, I'm in service. And it's been like that all of my sobriety, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

I'm trembling, actually. I don't know if you can see me. I'm really glad that this podium is here because my legs are kind of going like this and I got nervous today.

My stomach was kind of a knots. I was joking. I don't know if those are butterflies or a whole flock of birds in there,

but I've heard it said before at this podium that when I get nervous, it's my higher power shaking the truth out of me.

And and that every time I'm asked to share at any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I asked my higher power

to please help me carry the message. The message of Alcoholics Anonymous. This message of Alcoholics Anonymous,

and I hope that I'm able to do that tonight.

I'm gonna turn on my timer

so I can be considerate.

And

I want to thank Kathy for asking me to share tonight. And this is a beautiful, beautiful venue, a beautiful event. You guys are beautiful. This is such a beautiful thing that we come down here. I feel like a rock star when I come down to a function like this. We're always dressed in our best and smelling good and we go park our car and we walk up and we see people on the escalator and I see people that I haven't seen all year. I see people that I know from the mainland, that

I see people from other islands that come, that I know from service. I see people that live on Oahu that I only see once or twice a year, and it's just amazing. It's amazing. I remember my very first convention in November 1999. It was at the Hawaii Convention Center, and a friend of mine named Cherie and her husband Randy was her fiance at the time. They picked me up, they gave me something to wear, they bought me a registration and they drugged me along to the convention all weekend.

And it used to be upstairs, the upstairs ballrooms at the Convention Center. And I just remember that mezzanine, it was filled with all these glamorous people and everybody was laughing and talking loud and yelling at each other and running across the area to meet each other. And I was like, wow, look at these beautiful people. What do I have in common with them? What do I have in common with them? Still not feeling like, like there could be a solution for me, but I stayed. I stayed anyway. I came any I was petrified.

Must have been about 2400 people that year. And, and I attended that whole weekend and that was an amazing experience. And I remember the following year I was able to buy my own ticket because of sobriety. And I came and, and I can't say that I've been every year that I've been sober, but I can say that I've been most years and I'm and I'm really grateful for events like this. I'm really grateful for different topics. I love the theme of this convention. Freedom from bondage.

Release me of the bondage of self,

right. So that may better do my thy will like that's my bondage. My bondage is here. My bondage is not necessarily with the shackles, although I have experienced that as well, but it's, it's the bondage of self and, and I'm so incredibly grateful that we have a solution for that today, that we have a solution for that.

When I was 10 years old, I had a whole in my soul,

not quite the size of it in as it was in 1999, but it was quite large at that time.

And I remember feeling like everybody else had some kind of secret password to life and that everybody else knew what they were doing and that everybody else fit in and that everybody else was comfortable and happy. And I wasn't. And I was comparing my insides with your guys's outsides, even at age 10. And my first conscious memories were being angry and resentful. And you know, I just, I just processed information differently than other people.

You know, like I don't know a lot of 10 year olds, like my kids right now are 12 years old.

They don't run around with resentments like that. It's something the way that I was processing information even at age 10,

it made sense to me to pick up that first drink at the age of 10. That first drink was not my problem. That first drink was my solution to my problem. My problem was the way my perception. My problem was my thinking. My problem was the way I felt and it was the IT was the solution. It was fun. I thought I was cool. I hung around the bad kids. I like to skip class and I like to also

partake in some outside condiments that helped my alcoholic pleasure.

And I did this at a young age, 1011 years old. The first time I got arrested, I was 11 years old. That made sense to me. This, this makes sense to shoplift at Nordstrom's when I'm eleven. I used to like, I always did like high heel shoes. And there were these shoes called candies. They were popular back then. And for those who remember candy shoes, they'll be doing the math and they'll know. You'll know exactly how old I am.

It's not a secret. I can tell you after the meeting if you're interested. But like, I wanted these candies with this like sheepskin fur on the inside

and they were like half boots, but they had like these wooden heels and I had to have them. And my mom was a poor single mother. We were mostly on food stamps most of my life. And she wasn't gonna buy me those. And I decided that I needed to have those. And so I, I grabbed those. And Needless to say, the first time I got arrested, I was 11. So I started shoplifting that same year I went to DH and and I remember my mom left me there for a while. Now in my head, she left me there to teach me a lesson.

But in all actuality, I do not know. She could have been working or she couldn't get there or she didn't have a ride or whatever. But she did finally come and pick me up. And I spent a lot of time in DH. I was a juvenile delinquent. A couple years later, I made the decision to leave my mother and I never went back. And I left home at 14. And at 14 when you leave home, there's not too many

legitimate pass you can take. And I ended up meeting a, a group of people who did not also want to live in any legitimate paths of life.

They weren't interested in being taxpayers or law abiding citizens. And, and they, I partook in what, in what lifestyle they had to offer. And, and they trained me. I was like on the job training type of thing. And I live that lifestyle for many, many years, many years.

Most of my teenage years was spent either institutionalized in Group homes, foster homes. I became a ward of the court really real early on. My mother was a member of a Muslim community and she went on a missionary trip to Pakistan. She was an American Muslim. She went with her husband. They went to Pakistan to build a clinic in Pakistan, and they couldn't get a hold of my mother. And they thought that certainly she was probably living with a bunch of religious fanatics.

And so they figured that they better take me as a ward of the court for my own safety, although I hadn't been living at home in years. And so I was always either on the run or incarcerated in my teenage years. I dropped out of school of the 8th grade and I never did go back to school.

I like to read. I guess that's why I'm not, you know, incredibly stupid. But

that didn't sound right.

So Fast forward a little bit. I got my GED when I was 17. I was incarcerated in a in a teenage Kitty prison type of place. And when I was 19, I got pregnant and I gave birth to my daughter.

And I remember giving birth to my daughter. I had a home birth by choice. I had reconciled with my mom and my mom was a midwife

and we did a natural childbirth at home. And I remember giving birth to her May 22nd, 1987. And I held her in my arms and I was in love with that baby.

And I vowed that I would be the very best mother that I could. And I promised to love and protect her.

And life was good for a while. Life was good for a while.

I did not know at that time that that I was powerless over alcohol and at a dictated and managed my life. I had no idea.

I did not know that I had an accession of the mine analogy of the body. I did not know that I had a spiritual malady

that's described in our in our book and and I couldn't take care of her.

And things went well for a while until I started to go work in a bar because I thought that was really convenient for me. I could work at night and take care of my kid during the day, except for the problem was that during the daytime I couldn't take care of her because I was sleeping or I was hungover or I was still up from the night before and I was in no shape to take care of her. And it was only a matter of time, or I'd leave her the babysitters, or I'd leave her at her auntie's house for a few days in a row.

And I remember one time it was snowing and my sister brought my daughter back

and she said she's been with me for like 3 days. You're not even at work, you need to take her. And it was snowing real lightly. I'm for Portland, OR and doesn't snow a lot there. But I opened the door and I, I took my daughter and she was about two years old. And I sat her outside and I shut the door and I went back inside. And I only left her out there for a moment.

But that was my, that was my solution at the time. That was my idea of something that, you know, that was OK.

And I used to think the things that I have done, the actions that I take make me this horrible person, make me this evil person that can never be happy, that never deserves happiness, that never deserves peace, love or harmony in her life because of the things that I've done. Excuse me.

And I know that's not true today. I don't judge myself like that today because of what you guys taught me and what you guys showed me

that I might have done some horrific things, but I'm not a horrific person.

And and so it was a short time after that that, that I just couldn't handle it anymore. Couldn't handle it. You know, I was always, I was always the victim. I was always like, Oh, you guys done me wrong. Everybody's messing me over. I can't handle this anymore. And my daughter went to the live with my mom. My mom moved to Texas. She took my daughter with her was only going to be for a little while. It was just going to be for a little while until I could get it together.

And that little while turned into 13 years.

Shortly after that,

I decided to move to Hawaii. I was in my early 20s and umm, I thought at that time that the kind of trouble that I was getting into, like getting cars repossessed,

abandoning apartments, you know, giving up my child, not being able to maintain friendships or relationships, that these types of troubles that I was experiencing my life were certainly from the people that I was hanging around. You know, these guys were bad news and I needed to get out of town. And so me and my best running buggy buddy, we went and bought like this steamer trunk from Kmart. We packed all our worldly belongings

was smaller than so a lot more clothes could fit in a trunk this big, you know, because my clothes are smaller. And so we bought a one way ticket over here and landed in Waikiki. And I moved here in March of 1991 and I came over here to work in clubs on Kamoku and and I did

about the first or second night here, I drank to a blackout. I caught a cab all over the island. Don't recall how I paid for it.

Met some people who like to

partake in outside condiments as well and I felt like I had totally arrived. But that wasn't the intention, right? The intention was to move over here.

That's a pretty big move, right? Pack all your stuff, buy a one way ticket, fly across the Pacific Ocean. The intention was to come over here and get out of trouble and to stay out of trouble and to start a fresh life. And immediately I, I fell into the exact same behavior. Just the place had changed and the, the scenery, the background and the, and the supporting roles, the supporting characters had changed

and nothing else changed. That's that geographical that we hear so much about. That was that geographical. And one thing notable in my drinking history is that I love to drink hard alcohol. Liquor is quicker, right? No offense to you beer lovers, but I like to drink for the effect. Beer makes me feel really full

and I'm also a puker, so

hard liquor works out a lot better for me. And when I got here, the town that I'm from, it's not like a real small country town or anything, but they have liquor stores. They're state-run and they close on Sundays. They close at 8:00 at night. You can't buy bottles of booze after 8:00 at night, right? 7-11 I think you can buy wine coolers and beer until

11 maybe or something, I'm not even sure. But that wasn't really my type of party. And I did also work in clubs in Portland, but they only serve wine coolers and beer, so I didn't really like that. So I got here and there's like ABC stores, Long Safeway 711, every club, the smallest hole in the wall,

you buy me drinky club.

Any with the boost, with the real high sides on them, you can buy liquor. And so I was drinking all the time. I never had to really pay for my alcohol. I was working in clubs. I was drinking at work. During work. I would drink during the day, we'd hang out on the beach and Waikiki. We drink during the day and and life was like a blur. You know, life was a blur.

I entered into several successive relationships

and just, I look at myself at this period of my life like a little Tasmanian devil, like just like, you know, the cartoon, the Bugs Bunny one where like all the roots are like flying and stuff. And, and that was just me. I was insane. I was insane. I remember I had this roommate, her name was Renee. I always try to find her on the Internet because I owe her an amends and I haven't found her in several years of looking. But I I believe that my higher power will

put her in my path if it's meant to be for me to make an amends to her and to thank her for what she tried to help me. But she was my roommate and she was this really tall like Nordic looking blonde with really long hair and girlfriend like to drink like she could actually drink me under the table. But the difference about her and me is that she could always stop if given sufficient reason

and I could not.

And her sufficient reason might be something simple that might seem commonplace for most normal folks, like paying the rent or

going on a trip, right? Or your family is visiting and you got to get it together and save some money. Or, or the sun is coming up and the birds are chirping, it's time to go to sleep. And I'm starting to look at her like, something is wrong with you, right? But it really was that something was wrong with me.

And that was incredibly frightening.

Now, I'd have to say that my family and loved ones who had known me for years had known for a long time that something was wrong with me. But I thought that there was something wrong with everybody else. Now, this is a pattern for me, right? Like, it's not me, it's you guys. And you know that thing about pointing one finger at you and four more back at me, Mine was more like pointing my thumb at me and four going back at you, right?

That's how I lived, right in those days. And what I recognized through the process of the steps is that when I'm a victim, I do not have to take responsibility for my actions. And when I'm a victim,

I don't, I don't, I'm not accountable for anything I do. And when I'm a victim, I have a license to ill. I can do whatever I want. And in my mind, it's OK. And I think that when I was living with Renee and I started getting this sense that really, truly that something was wrong with me,

that wasn't my first.

That was the first time that I started believing that I might have a problem.

It was shortly after this that umm, I had a boyfriend and we got an engaged and he was kind of like a, it was kind of like a hostage situation, although there were no negotiators there to try to rescue him

and.

I remember that we were partying one night and or for a while and then his car got repossessed and he was like, that's it. I quit. I am over this, this. I'm done, completely done, completely on the wagon. I'm on the way. And I was like, wow, you are totally overreacting.

What? We don't even really need a car.

Let's see. We live above silly as we hang out at the Wave. We work right down the street.

What? What are you talking about? You know, and I was dead serious. Like I did not see anything wrong with him losing his eye. Rock, right? In the early 90s, right? I rock, Remember that?

I was like, come on, you still got your motorcycle. It's OK.

And and he's like, I quit and I'm like, OK, me too. Then I quit too,

so I worked at a club and I got off at 1:00 AM. He worked at a club, and he got off at 4:00 AM. So I had three hours

and my nighttime shift, right, But three hours to really just do whatever I needed to do. And I did on a daily basis. And I remember just living that secret life, that double life, hiding it, trying to manipulate things, trying to, you know, manage,

trying to manage. And,

and there it was again. I couldn't stop. He could stop if given sufficient reason

and I could not.

There was plenty of sufficient reasons. You don't get fired from the kind of clubs I work at, but I did

I worked at. I don't work there anymore

so I gotta check check my time here. Oh, we OK, so

around this time I found this area of the island. It's called Chinatown.

Seemed like such a great place. Everybody's so friendly,

they all want to share with me.

And it's our red light district. Basically it in those days it definitely was, it's really artsy. Now it's, it's different. But that led into, you know, I'm, I'm walking around and here's people who are not, definitely not trying to stop. If given sufficient reason, they don't care about paying their rent. Because you don't have to pay rent at an Ala park, right?

You really don't have to pay rent at the Peep Show,

although you do, but it's only in quarters. So you could pay it 10 roll, A roll of quarters at a time.

It's very flexible. They have a flexible payment plan.

So basically I ripped and ran down there for 5 1/2 years. I don't want to tell you that it got ugly. I am a Skid Row drunk. When it comes down to it, I'm a Skid Row drunk. And I remember my first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous back when the boy, the fiance with the IROC, when he told me I had a problem and and I told him I quit. And then I actually tried to quit for a little while. I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at happy hour at VFW across the street from the Hard Rock Cafe.

And I went to that meeting and I looked around and you guys all were getting up saying that you were alcoholic. And I thought, you know what? Alcoholic is like a trench coat guy on Skid Row, right? Like a guy in the alley in a long trench coat with Thunderbird wrapped in a paper bag. And that is not me. I am too young, I am too cute and I kind of maybe I'm a drug addict, like kind of Hollywoodish and Rockstar, but I'm certainly not an alcoholic. And so I look around at these people and these people are getting up talking about the solution of Alcoholics Anonymous. They're

about the steps, they're talking about being transformed, they're talking about having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And I'm going doesn't apply to me. So I certainly wasn't ready for her to have a spiritual experience. I need to go back out there and get a little more ready. And that's what happened. And I have to tell you that those were my yet, right? That those were my yet. I also ended up at treatment Center for about 5 days. And I remember that I was sitting in there in Group with women who had lost their children,

CPS who were on parole or they were going to go to prison. I hadn't been in trouble as an adult yet. I hadn't lost my kids to CPS yet. And, and it wasn't for me. I was looking at all the differences and none of the similarities. And the bottom line is that I didn't have that moment of clarity yet. But I just, I just find that interesting that,

that I became the very thing that I said that I wasn't, that I became that guy in that trench coat in the alley smelling like piss

for $0.50 figuratively, not literally, but I did become a Skid Row drunk.

There were some horrific things that happen. There was some crazy, insane times. I had two children out there. And I mean, I could not stop drinking and I could not stop those outside condiments. And I'm, I didn't mean to do that. That wasn't the plan. And I gave birth to my first son in 1997 at Queen's Hospital. And I, and I kept him in the room with me and I named him and I, I said yes to CPS. I'm going to do the treatment plan.

I'm going to do whatever you say that I need to do. And they said, well, you can leave, but your son has to stay here. And I said, OK, I will go do what you say to do. And, and, and they gave me a meeting schedule and I went to an interview. They gave me a place to go to interview. I went to the interview. They said you can come back in one week. There's a bed for you in one week. And I went right back downtown with my meeting schedule in my hand and the phone number that I was supposed to call every day to let them know that I was

still willing. And I don't even think I made that call, not one time. And I remember going to the CPS office all wasted and holding my son in his arm, in my arms and looking at him. And I loved him just like I love my daughter who lived with my mom. And I loved the children that I gave birth to. And I never got to be a mother to them, those two boys. I had another boy out there and and I did not get to be a mother to him as well.

And I lost my parental rights to my that first son in 90. I'm sorry. That was 1995 and in 97 I got pregnant again

and this time when I gave birth in the hospital, I didn't call for him to come in my room.

He stayed in the nursery. I didn't leave him, I didn't, I didn't name him. I was just waiting. I had my little chronic friend sleeping on the couch stealing baskin-robbins ice cream from the nurses station, waiting for me to be OK to leave the hospital. As soon as we left Queens, we're like bam, right downtown Smith Inn Hotel, just automatic pilot. At this time I had a death wish. I wanted to die. I felt so hurt and I felt so broken inside.

This was really, really the beginning of the end

for me. And interestingly enough, one month after that, almost to the day of my second son's birth, I got my first felony arrest in downtown. And that started my revolving door in the judicial system here in Hawaii. And I was either from that time on, from November 13th, 1997 until I got sober the last time I got arrested, April 4th, 1999, was either

incarcerated or running from the law. Every time I was outside of an institution,

I was wanted by the police.

I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm incredibly grateful for everything that I've shared with you tonight

because I had that moment of clarity, had to run it real, real hard. I had to run it real hard. So it was willing to do whatever it took.

I had to exhaust all my resources and and I really did. I really did

so in April of 1999, actually in March of 1999.

At this point in my life, I have a drug dealer boyfriend. I'm living at the Pacific Marina Hotel, which is a very high class establishment out by the airport

and

I only hang by myself because you guys are all out to get me

for sure. And I'm sitting alone in my hotel room and this pain washes over me that no amount

that no amount of getting loaded can can quiet. It won't go away. In that moment it stopped working for me. It stopped being the solution. And in our book and a vision for you, it talks about the will be at the jumping off place. That someday you will be unable to imagine life with or without alcohol. That you will wish for the end, that you will be at the jumping out place.

Jumping off place. It talks about the four hideous horsemen, the terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair. And I knew those guys real well. Those guys had been living with me for years and in the end they were my constant companions

And that that night, March, I don't know if was night or day, it was probably like 2-3 in the morning. That was my usual time and and I got on my knees and I asked God for help

and in a matter of two weeks God did ask answer my prayer and he answered my prayer in the form of HPD and one more time I got arrested. So on April 4th of 1999, I will never forget that day ever. I never want to forget that day. I never want to forget how I felt. I never want to forget what I was thinking. I never want to forget that utter loneliness, that despair, that darkness.

And, and I got arrested and

I went to W Triple C on the windward side, and that started my recovery.

And so

the day in March that I forgot to mention is, I don't know if I mentioned this, but I got on my knees and I asked God for help

and I said, God, please help me. I can't live like this anymore and I don't know how to live. And I didn't know what kind of God I was praying to. I didn't have a specific name for my God, just a generic G OD. And I had some confusions about religion because of my mom's involvement and some

Eastern religions. And I wasn't,

I wasn't certain what I believed, but all I knew is that it was a is a plea for help. And, you know, I just went about my merry way. And then two weeks later, bam, I'm arrested again. And it wasn't my first time in jail. Wasn't my second time in jail as an adult here in Hawaii was about my fifth time being arrested. And something was different. Something was different because of that prayer. And I believe that my recovery started with that prayer.

And my sobriety date is April 5th of 1999.

And and I was in prison for four months. It's a relatively short time, but, but I've been in prison for years in, in my own soul. And something was different. I started reading the big book. I attended meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I started seeing a little little prayers. I remember that I went to this meeting every Tuesday night

and I really appreciate Ernestina and Shorty, who's no longer with us.

They used to bring the meeting in to W Triple C every Tuesday night

and sometimes I wasn't paying attention. I was going there to get my paper signed so I could show the parole board.

I was planning ahead. You see, I'm still a thinker, right? So I knew that I would see the parole board someday. So I was saving all my papers,

but I was going there and sometimes they would bring get to bring in outside speakers. And I was sitting in that meeting one night and a woman walked in and she had about one year of sobriety and she told a story that I could relate to. She was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. She had a Home group. She was in service with Hickey Paw. She she talked about losing her kids to CPS, getting her kids back. She talked about crazy relationships. She talked about she was in college and she was just on fire. You could just see it.

She would love life, she loved a A, she loved recovery. She talked about some things that I could relate to,

and she gave me the message of hope that I could recover.

And just that small, small, little, tiny, like a grain of sand. Hope that someone like me could recover.

I didn't have to stay in prison for very long. Four months I got out to a state program

and and that program was instrumental in getting me stable

physically. I wasn't well as far as not taking care of myself for years and never having medical insurance, never going to the dentist. I got here, I didn't have no teeth. My body was all bust up. I was lucky to be alive when I got here and and I'm grateful for that program. But I know that Alcoholics Anonymous save my soul and save my life,

and I showed up at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous state from prison. I was angry, I was scared,

I was mean, I was shy. I looked rough. Someone tell me how you doing? I'm say fine, there's like notify your face and I felt like I was smiling and I was like this all frowning and I'm like, what? I am smiling. What you mean you know, Oh rough. I was a survivor. I survived out there for a long time and and I got here and that's, that's the state that I got here in

and I got here and I was so broken.

I was so empty.

The black hole that I tried to fill for so long had taken over my entire being

the hole in the doughnut. I was the hole in the doughnut when I got here, you know,

and I showed up at Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't know anybody who had done the things that I had done in the places I did them with, the people I did them with. I didn't know if anybody like me could get what you guys had. You guys were happy, joyous and free.

You guys had the freedom from bondage and I could see it because you guys didn't tell me that. You guys showed me that You guys didn't tell me you love me and accepted me. You guys showed me you love me and accepted me.

You guys didn't tell me that there was a solution to the spiritual malady. You guys showed me

that there was a solution to this spiritual malady.

I heard early on someone said

that don't preach me a sermon, show me a sermon.

And that's what I saw.

I showed up at my first Home group of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was came to believe. And it used to be downstairs from Kikayla, which is the psychiatric ward at Queen's Hospital. And Lord knows I belonged upstairs instead of downstairs in that meeting. But I went to that meeting every day, Monday through Friday. And I knew that from 11:30 in the morning to, I mean, yeah, in the morning

to 1:30 in the afternoon, that I was going to be OK

because I would be at that meeting. And I got my first service position there. And I remember to this day the woman who was secretary of the meeting. And she's like, hey,

how much time do you have? Aren't you almost six months sober? And I'm like, you know, five months and 22 days or whatever it was. And she's like, what do you do on Fridays? We need a secretary. And you have to have six months to be a secretary. And I can't do 2 positions anymore.

And I'm like, what do you got to do? And she's like, you know, you, it's the steps. You read the 12 and 12. Here's the key. Here's the key to the box where we keep all the stuff. We keep all the books in there and we keep the basket that you pass for the 7th tradition, you the box of coins. Here's the key. So you be here at 11, you know, you're going to have, you know, So to explain everything to me so that she gave me a key

that was incredibly incredible, incredibly symbolic for me

to this day, that I was willing to be of service. I didn't know that's what I was willing to do, Right. I thought I probably thought it was mandatory and I was probably trying to make her like me. And. But I was like, OK, hey, you know, Yeah. And she's giving me this key. So she handed me the key to the box. But I have to explain to you guys that the box was this Tupperware box that had a big crack across the top. And you didn't actually even need the key. There was a padlock on it, but all you really had to do

was go like this with the lid and pull all your stuff out-of-the-box. And, but it didn't matter to me that nobody else had the key because they just opened it up in that manner and and I had the key. And that began my love affair with service in Alcoholics Anonymous. That I am a member here, that I don't just go to meetings,

that I'm a member of something.

That's what I always wanted was to be a member. I wanted to be a member with the cool kids, right? I wanted to be a member with the Blackfoot tribe when I was downtown. Apparently I wanted to be an inmate in the correctional facilities. I want to be a member, I want to be a part of.

I always wanted to be a part of and I always feel a part from,

and today I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I got that. I got that early on. I don't know what I did to deserve the grace of the loving God that graced me with that gift of desperation. I wasn't a particularly shining example of a chronic out there. Like, I'm going to pluck you out of chronic Ville and bring you to Alcoholics Anonymous because you are so crafty. No, that's not what happened. I don't know. I can't explain it. I don't know.

And I don't. I don't care why, I don't care how. But God graced me. I learned that grace is an unmerited gift, that it's a gift that my higher power gave me that I didn't necessarily deserve. But it's now my responsibility to cherish it, to protect it, to nurture it.

Are giving me symbols, OK, They're giving me symbols.

So I've been talking 38 minutes and 44 seconds because you took 10 minutes of my time, Kavika. So just chill,

I'm keeping track.

The meeting goes till 10:00.

Thanks,

I love you.

I became a GSR of my first Home group. My first Home group didn't have a GSR and I called my sponsor at the time and I was all upset we don't have a GSR. Our group's voice is not being represented in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am so appalled. And she said, well, maybe you need to have an election then and have an elected GSR. So we called our DCM from our district. He came to our Home group and he held our election. I was the only one who stood,

so

I was elected GSR at my Home group. I served GSR of my Home group for two years and I fell in love with general service of Alcoholics Anonymous. I fell in love with the service structure. I fell in love with a group conscience. Alcoholics Anonymous has but one ultimate authority, a loving God as He expresses Himself in our group conscience. In order for that loving authority voice to be heard, we have to hold group consciences,

we have to hold informed group consciences. We have to let everybody talk. We have to give the minority their turn.

We do things with substantial unanimity here because it's important. There ain't no big shots and no little shots in a A. We are all members, all of us. Here's vote is equally as important as everybody else's. All of us

from GSR. I lucked into the position of standing committee chair for the Minor Bird newsletter. I did that for two years. I stood in the area election for the first time. I was elected recording secretary. I served for two years as recording secretary. I stood again in another election. I was elected alternate chair. I was the alternate chairperson. I I sat on the steering committee for this convention for two years.

I I made myself available yet one more time. I had my plan,

I had my plan. I wanted to be area chair because I wanted to run the assembly. That was my plan. And God said Elizabeth, I need you somewhere else. And God elected me delegate for Panel 59 and,

and I had a spiritual experience as a GSR and I had a spiritual experience as my number chair, recording secretary, alternate chair and delegate. But I also have a spiritual experience being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a spiritual experience working with the women that I sponsor and working with my sponsor. I have spiritual experience raising the children that God gave me to raise

the two twins

that came to me when they were two years old and God said, you know what, You never got to raise any of your kids. Here's two kids. That mother cannot even raise them because of this disease.

I have a spiritual experience when I wake them up in the morning and grumble with them to get ready to school, to get ready for school because this is my path. I'm a college graduate. I'm working on my second degree. I have an amazing job. I work in the legal department of one of the largest mortgage lenders in the state, and I work in the compliance department where they want me to make help them stay legal. OK,