Adam A. from Tannersville, PA speaking in Henryville, PA

Actually see people.

Hi everybody, My name is Adam and Rick. I'm a recovered alcoholic,

all right? I gotta kind of actually decompress a little bit. It's going to twitchy afternoon.

I haven't been to a rehab in quite a while. How many people in here have been to the rooms before?

That's it. OK. Well, actually, it's most of you. There's only a couple who haven't. All right,

I first time I ever came to Alcoholics Anonymous, actually it was NA that I first came to, I, I was probably 18 years old and

I,

I went as support for my roommate and we're living in this basement apartment and it was about fourteen of us in this one apartment. And one of the guys decided that he needed to go to meetings and

I went as, like I said, support and and

I didn't think that I really had a problem at that point.

But what I did find in in in the rooms there was AI found a lot of people like me, you know, and I gravitated towards the people who weren't necessarily looking to do the right thing, you know, so my perception of 12 step fellowships was a place to go to get people off your back and to hook up with new connects

on. And that's, that's how I viewed it until a few years later. I, you know, I, I,

you know, let me, let me back up. I'll, I'll start from the beginning a little bit. I, I

I'm the oldest of three boys. I'm a byproduct of the 60s. My parents are only 17 and 20 years older than me, and I should have been born at Woodstock. But my mom backed out at the last minute. And growing up, I, I I, I lived on a commune. I lived in a teepee. I lived in a school bus across the country five times before I was 5

and it was perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable to drink and get high. It was what I seen from everybody around me. It was, it was a normal way of life. And

you know, my, my, my first drink was probably at two years old. I remember hearing stories about my parents putting beer in my bottle and having me stumble around the, you know, the parking lot and giggling at it and all that kind of stuff.

But my first conscious drink was right around 12.

And, and, and I don't mean conscious drink, it was my first time intentionally going out with my friends to get loaded, you know, 'cause I drank a few times before that. And I went to a very small private school. I went to a Catholic school when I was a kid and there was only 17 kids in my class in my graduating junior high school class. And we all got loaded for the first time together

on pretty much. There was a couple who didn't, but most of us did. And

the first time I, the first night I drank, I, I blacked out.

We were, we were down by the railroad tracks and sitting in this construction site and we had two jugs of Gallo wine and, and a six pack of beer between like five of us. You know, I thought this would this, this might be enough, You know, and

I, I, I,

I drank to get loaded. And that was the only reason that I ever really drank. I never understood that social drinking thing. That was never part of my my game plan ever.

There was never an idea of I should control it. I should have a couple. That wasn't why I I drank. I drank to get fucked up

and

I also got high to get fucked up. I don't know why anybody else would. You know any other reason for it?

And

umm,

by 16 years old I had AI had I had been drinking regularly, I'd been smoking weed.

Think I did some coke around then too.

I know by 18 I was a full blown acid head and A and a daily drunk.

You know, I, I'll, I, I do talk about the drugs a bit, but it's, you know,

drugs came and went. You know, the booze was always on the table for me. It was the first thing that I started with and it was the last, well, it wasn't the last thing I gave up. The last thing I gave up was a weed. But it was still, the booze was still there. The booze was still an issue. Part of the reason I gave up the weed was I realized I couldn't smoke pot and stay sober,

you know, and I had to give up the weed in order to give up the booze.

And

you know, the booze was a steady, it was a constant. It was always there. I knew what I was getting with it, you know, I knew which type of alcohol I had to drink to get to a certain place on with all the drugs that I did over the years, you never knew what you got, you know, you got high, you know, but you never knew what you got, you know, And I was all in for that. But you know, like I said this, the constant was the booze.

I got a,

I moved on to the streets for the first time when I was 16 years old.

I figured it was a, it was an easier way to live than to actually get a job and, you know, be a productive member of society and go to school regularly and all that stuff. By the time I was 18, I was out there full time, you know, and my, my theory about it was why, you know, why live in a $50,000 house when you can live under a $50 million bridge?

I was camping out under the stars. That was the way I looked at it. You know, I had this great little cave that I made. It was a, it was with the, I didn't make The Cave. It was made out of vines, but we kind of cleared it all out. I had a little clothesline in there, a bedroll, my radio, you know, and I had to Creek right there that I could swim in and, and, and take my bath. Yeah. And I was a clean homeless person. Yeah. I, I was out there in a bar of soap in the, in the, in the Creek. But I, I, I, you know what that, that was. That was part of my deal too, though, because I was a drug dealer and I didn't want to look like a

I wanted to blend in as a college student. I lived in a college town and I needed to blend in. I was on a mountain bike. I had a backpack and a pocket full of whatever and

that's how I got through my day and that's how I maintained my my addiction.

The,

the, I guess what's the word I'm looking for?

I don't know. I lost my thought there for a second. It's alright. I, I was living in San Francisco and San Francisco has got a very laid back atmosphere about, about drugs and it's all wide open out in the street. If any of you guys know the city here, it's, it's like Harlem, you know, or, or, or whatever, you know, it's all out in the open, but it's in large quantities. And, and I came back to my, my hometown, which is a town called Chico in Northern California.

And

I had a 79 hit to acid on me. And it was just weekend party material.

But a cop got me and

I ended up doing 2 years for, for possession. And they tried to get me for, they tried to get me possession with intent to sell. But as part of the plea bargain, as long as I didn't go to rehab, I could get two years. That's what they told me,

and California was pretty messed up in that way.

Um, but while I was locked up,

I, I kind of came to the realization that every time I got in trouble, it was in or around getting high. You know, I didn't always get in trouble when I, when I was drunk and loaded, but every time I got in trouble, it was, it was around that. And so I started to, started to see a pattern and I started to think maybe there's a problem, started writing letters. I started talking to people, I started trying to trying to figure out a way to, to,

to get out of this cycle. You know, I wanted to go into a rehab. I needed to do something. But back then it wasn't, I don't know. I either I didn't know where to go or how to do it, but it wasn't nearly as accessible as it is today. And

but I did. I did my two years, or it's actually

about a year and a half. I got out and they gave me $200.00 gate money

and within 20 minutes I had a six pack of beer. Within two hours, I had a pint of schnapps in my back pocket, two hits of acid on my system, and 1/2 ounce of weed down my pants and I was living outside again. Within two hours of being locked up,

I woke up the next morning and I realized that, you know,

on, I'm going to be like all these other guys that I know. You know, everybody I knew at that point was either dead or

doing life on the installment plan. You know, they'd be doing, they'd be doing 6 months. They do a year, they get out for three months, they go back to another year and a half, they get out for six months go, you know, in and out, in and out their whole lives. And that was everybody that I knew. And I, I, I knew for myself

wasn't hard. It was actually quite easy. I was told when to eat, when to sleep, when to shit, when to work out, when to watch TV, when to do whatever it is I had to do. And I didn't have a problem with that. You know, I, I, I wasn't looking to be responsible and productive. And you know, I was, I was fine playing cards and watching TV and doing my thing.

Plenty of plenty of stuff inside. It wasn't an issue,

but I also didn't want to, you know, and so I, I called my parole officer. I hadn't even seen her yet. And I, I said I need to go to New Jersey. I got family in Jersey.

If I don't go, there's no way I'm going to be able to stay out, you know? So I moved back east and

I tried to be productive. I moved in with my mother who was in a A

and her one contingency was that I don't get loaded. And

that lasted like two days maybe. You know, I was pretty good for a few months in the sense of not doing it at home or being wasted when I came home. But I lasted two days before I got high

on

and it was

probably about 22 years old. I guess it was at this time

I had gotten 2 dirty tests, a petty theft and a DUI and I was on parole and I knew I was going back to jail. So I called my PO and I asked her if she could let me, you know, give me a chance to go to rehab.

So I went into detox down in C caucus and I first place they sent me to was this place down in New Brunswick, called Damon House and I walked in there. I was there an hour and doing talking to the people and they make you wear dunce caps and diapers and you know, all this, you know, I don't know, screwed up TC stuff and, and, and I, I called my Fiona said I, I, I won't stay there.

You know, there's no locks on the doors. There's no, there's no, there's nothing keeping me in. I'm not going to stay in a place like that. If you give me another 24 hours, I'll find a place.

And I got into the Salvation Army down in Newark and

not, not a good rehab, but it did save my life because the one thing that I got from that place was

they told me when I walked in there, they said that I had to get a relationship with God in order to get sober. And

that's the only thing that I, I learned from that place is the only thing I got. And I started going to meetings and I started

getting

the buzz, I guess you would call it that, that that newly sober, they call it a pink cloud thing. You know, I started to feel good about being sober and,

and I go to meetings and I go to meetings and I'd share about my stuff and, you know, do all the stuff the fellowship is telling you to do. And, you know, 90 and 90 and, and, and all that. And the one thing they told me, though, is they said if you got a reservation, you got to talk about it.

And so I started talking about wanting to smoke pot and I started talking about it and talking about it and talking about it and talking about it. I drove myself insane and I went and smoked pot.

But but in my deluded mind at the time, I really didn't believe that I had relapsed because my problems, not weed. It's, it's booze, you know. So I kept going to meetings and I kept sharing in meetings and I kept talking and you know, I know all the good shit to say now, you know, But I'm, I'm smoking a joint afterwards.

And

eventually my head got so screwed up from doing that, that I, I knew I needed to stop. But like I said, my mind was so screwed up that I hadn't, I didn't think that I relapsed.

So I had to go out and drink so I could come back to a A for real. And I picked up a drink and I couldn't stop. For two years,

I went to meetings every single day,

sometimes four times a day, and I couldn't stop. I went to detoxes. I went into, you know, impatient things. I could not stay stopped

and I did everything that the fellowship asked me to do. You know, like I said, I went to meetings every day. I had a sponsor, I talked to people, I shared about my problems. I had a coffee commitment. I went bowling after the meeting, I went to the diner. I did all the BBQ bullshit.

You know, the one thing I didn't do was the steps. But at the time they told me you don't need to worry about that yet. You know, you're, you're not sober enough yet to do that stuff. And

I drank for close to three years inside Alcoholics Anonymous and couldn't put together more than a week.

There was this old guy, his name was Bill Adams. He's from Bayonne, NJ. And he used to go to this candlelight meeting and he used to talk about he, the, he said something and it stuck with me. He, he said, sobriety is a gift from God and what you do with it is your gift back. And it got filed in the back of my head and

the last time I went out all I could do was hear his voice. It drove me insane.

Yeah, I drank for 2 1/2 months and all I every day I heard his voice and, and

eh, eh, eh, eh, it killed me, you know? And he used to talk about grabbing drunks and bringing him back to his house and reading a big book to them. And I didn't know what he meant because at the time I'd only been reading the stories and, you know, and identifying and this and that and the other thing. But the last time I came in, I,

I picked up that book and I started to read and write in the in the front of the book. It's in the preface, I believe

it says that this is the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I knew what that meant. It, it clicked it, it was kind of like this moment of clarity. You know, a textbook is something that's going to give me instructions. It's going to tell me how to do something. And I started to read that book and it started to make sense and I started to take the action that it was telling me to take, you know, and it, and it described alcoholism. And I had never understood what it meant to be an alcoholic. You know, I thought being an alcoholic was that, you know, I drank a case of beer before

went to a keg party. You know, that's what makes me an alcoholic. I thought I get locked up when I drink, that makes me an alcoholic or I was homeless. That makes me an no. What makes me an alcoholic is that when I pick up a drink, I can't guarantee what's going to happen. You know, I may be able to drink 2 beers and put it down, or I may drink 30 and pass out, you know, and then there's this other aspect that that that I have this thing they call a mental obsession, you know, that somehow someday I'm going to

control and enjoy my drinking. And I may not even think of it like that. I just won't remember how fucked up it was last week. And I'll say it'll be different this time and I'll be able to handle it this time

or fuck it, I don't care. You know, the consequences, the potential consequences of picking up a drink don't outweigh the uncomfortability that I'm in right now. And but the problem is, is those potential consequences for me for being an alcohol

deaf, I just don't see it that way, you know? I don't see, you know, I'm 24 years old, 25 years old. I, I ain't gonna die from this, you know, I'm still invincible, you know, And

but that's what, that's what it means to be an alcoholic. And then there's that underlying thing that drives the whole, the whole issue. And that's, that's my spiritual melody. That's that restless, irritable, discontented feeling that I have when I'm sober.

When I don't have a solution in my life and I'm without a drink or a drug, I'm restless, irritable and discontent. My life is just kind of

kind of sucks. It may not be horrible, but it just ain't right, you know? And that's that. When I live in that state for long enough, what ends up happening is the idea of a drink starts looking good. And once the idea of a drink starts looking good, I start telling myself, well, it wasn't that bad. Once I start telling myself it wasn't that bad,

I started thinking about how I'm going to do it. Once I start to do it, I can't stop.

So it's not putting the plug in the jug that solves my my problem. What solves my problem is addressing that restless, irritable, discontented feeling that uncomfortability that I have.

So it took me

3 1/2 years, give or take, of coming to a, a before I actually even knew what being an alcoholic was, you know, But once, I, once I found out, once I started to read that book and I, I found out what being an alcoholic was, I had this motivation, for lack of a better word, you know, this driving force. They, they use the phrase the desperation of a drowning man, you know, and I had that and, and you know, when I can accept that, that, that first

step, you know, and the first step is not that I'm gonna, that I can't drink. The first step is, is I will drink, you know, basically the first step tells me I'm fucked, plain and simple, you know, without a power greater than myself, without something to intervene, I'm screwed, you know, and the, and the second step is real easy, you know, can I believe that I'm not God? Yeah. It, it, it tells us. It says it in the book. It asks the question, you know,

do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there's a power greater than myself?

The only, the only loophole to that statement is that I believe that I'm God. So if I can believe that I'm not God, I can take my second step and I can move on. You know, I don't need to understand what God is. I didn't understand God. I still don't understand God. But in my first year, I had no clue what God was, you know, I, I didn't even know if I believed in God. I just knew that I wasn't it, you know, and, and that's all I needed. And the third step says, basically made a decision to turn our will and our lives.

My will, my will is my thoughts. So I'm going to turn my thoughts and my life, which is my actions over to the care and direction of this something that's going to fix me. I don't know what it is yet, you know, because at the time, like I said, I was raised Catholic, but I had no desire whatsoever to seek out that Catholic God that I was raised with. I figured I was going to hell, going to hell from the time I was in 3rd grade, you know? I needed to find something new.

And what I ended up using for my higher power in that beginning was a set of principles.

I use the principles that common to all the religions of the world, whatever they were, the ones that were the same for everything, you know, because 8 billion people, 7 billion people, if you line up with certain things can't be wrong. You know what I mean? You know, they all believe in these one, you know, 1234 different things can't be wrong. Compassion, love, honesty, you know,

unselfishness. That's my honor and power. These are a set of principles that I'm incapable of

living up to perfectly. That's greater than me. I can use that. So I turn my thoughts and my actions over to the care and direction of these set of principles. Problem is, is at that point, I don't know what my thoughts and my actions are yet. I just know that I got this big pile of shit, you know, which is my life, you know, So it's, it, it's like a, it's like a blind surrender. It's, it's, it's just given up. I, I can't do this. I got to move towards this other thing, you know, But how do I find out what my thoughts

actions are? I did inventory. Yeah. I worked through my four step. And you know what? My first four step was a pile of garbage. It was 90% lies, and it was a mess. But it was as honest as I possibly could have been at that time. And it wasn't my last, you know, It gave me enough to move on. You know, up until that point, I believed that was the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Or on a better day, I'm just a nice guy who drank too much.

You know, I had this kind of opposite views, you know, polar opposites. There was number, there was number balance. There was no humility. And I, I brought this garbage inventory to my first sponsor and I, I started sharing it with him. And I came out the other side of this inventory after, after sharing it with him, realizing some truth about me, that I wasn't just a nice guy who drank too much and I wasn't

a big giant piece of crap. I was somewhere in the middle, you know, I was, I was screwed up.

I did a lot of screwed up stuff. But you know what? I'm still human, you know, And I'm not Satan Incarnate, you know, Six and seven was easy. Six and seven was a piece of cake, you know, because I look at my life

and this is what I've done. These are my defects of character that I lived with for the past 25 years. This is what I've done. Do I want this gone? Yeah. You know, I want a better way. It was easy. I was it. Say the prayer. I move on. So between 5:00

and nine, I was looking at like 2 hours because at the end of the fifth step it tells me that I'm supposed to take a quiet hour and make sure I meditate on whether I missed anything,

you know, whether I left anything out. Yeah, say the prayer and then take my 4th step and transfer it over to an 8 step list.

It's all it takes. You know, it takes two hours Max and that's if you've got 100 and something names like I did the first time around. And a lot of the people that I sponsor, I get a lot of chronic relapses, a lot of people who who, who can't stay clean and, and I don't make them right. Hundreds of names, you know, I tell them start writing, writing who you're pissed off at, you know, two days later. How you doing with that? I can't seem to get anymore. OK, start writing. Why? And now show up at my house tomorrow,

you know, and then we talk the rest out, you know, and I help them do the rest of their four step as they're doing their fifth step. And, and we got 20 names, 25 names. It's enough to get started. And when I tell them, the only thing that I tell them not to do is do not edit on on purpose. Don't think a name and leave it off intentionally because if it comes to mind, it belongs there, you know,

because you're not gonna the first time at the end. I find that I keep doing this stuff over and over again. I just did a round of inventory this last year. You know, I finished it up in August. And so, you know, and I and I'm coming up on 19 years. You know, this doesn't end. You know, it's something that I got. I gotta continue to do that first round of amends. I, I took all the names off of my four step and I and I, I went out to apologize and set right the harms that I, I, I, I,

I made, you know, I paid back what money I could, I made payment plans to those that I couldn't make it, but I always brought money. That's what I was taught. I was taught don't show up and say, can I pay you next Tuesday? You know, no, I come up with 20 bucks and say, can I make a payment plan? And I'll show up every month with this amount, you know, but always bring something

I I tried to sit right the harms that I had done up until that point.

And then I did this little cheesy ass 1011 because I really

didn't know what I was doing at the time and and I was trying to help others

on

I went back in down Pollocks Anonymous and I had this

fire, I guess you would call it this excitement about about recovery. And like I said, I was in these meetings that weren't necessarily promoting the idea of the steps. You know, they were talking about, share about your feelings and, and share about your issues and your inner child and you know,

that stuff's all well and good. You know, I, I don't know an alcoholic who doesn't need therapy,

but Alcoholics Anonymous is not therapy. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship. Would it, would it would a program to solve my alcohol problem. OK, Therapy is therapy. Two separate issues, you know, and I started sharing this solution out of the big book and I started sharing the, the message and I, and I and I, I came across as a very judgmental douchebag, you know, for quite a while because I was coming back and I was, I was swinging is what it was,

as I'd walk into 12 and 12 meetings with my big book and share about how they're doing it wrong and, you know, and all this kind of shit. And I did that for four years, 4 1/2 years. And I helped create this

antagonism towards big book thumpers in my, in my old Home group area. And, and, and I found the I, I, I see the error in my ways now. Yeah,

after, after dealing with this because I had to go back and, and make amends in recovery for being, you know, judgmental, for being self-righteous,

you know, and, and I missed a, a really key line. There's a there's a line in the I believe it's in the ninth step.

It says that we, we fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. You know, now if I'm walking into a meeting and I'm beating a book and I'm yelling and I'm foaming at the mouth and I'm, and I'm talking all this trash,

am I really fitting myself to be of maximum service? You know, all I'm doing is alienating myself. You know, I'm scaring away the people who don't need that kind of method. You know, I'm pissing off the ones who are already sober. And I might be grabbing one or two if I'm lucky, you know, and, and, and I found that this wasn't effective. It it took me quite a while to really realize this, but

at a certain point I started to. I started to change my method. I started to change my approach.

I don't change what I do, but I change the way I present it, you know, and, and the simplest way I had to do this was I went back into these meetings. I was in AI was in a meeting. My Home group at the time was this very fundamentalist big book meeting. And we were very, very much into the book, very much into doing the deal. But we all had this kind of arrogance, you know, and we kind of fed off each other. And I found that I needed to leave that

and I walked away and I went back into the mainstream fellowship

and I started to share this message in a, in a, in a different way, you know, I stopped talking about the big book and stopped being a step Nazi, you know, but I didn't stop sharing about the process and I didn't stop sharing about the literature. And I, I, I stopped sharing about God a little bit, but I started sharing a little more about higher power. And, you know, and then when I hooked them, I bring them back to the house and beat them over to head with the book, you know,

Because, you know, the bottom line is, is that's where the answer is.

It's in there. The fundamentals are necessary, but the approach can be done in such a way,

you know, the, the, you know, you know what, I'm a dope fiend. I can utilize this, this, this skill that I have, you know,

you know, and, and, and I, I have a friend of mine who used to always talk about setting the hook. And I didn't get that until later on, you know, and that's what that is, you know, come in and talk about the solution, talk about God, talk about the freedom that I got set the hook.

Then when you bring them back, now you got to do this, you know, but the, the, the, the, the founders, that's what they did, you know, they talked about the hopeless nature. They talked about the, the, the, the plus, you know, all the, all the good shit, the God, the God in their life and how this all work. And then brought him through the steps, you know, and, and, and it's not a, it's not a long, arduous process. It doesn't have to be. You know, it can be. You can make it as long and arduous as you want it to be,

but it doesn't have to be. I've taken people through the steps in a weekend and then I've also done it. Words taken a year to bring some guy through the steps. But he wasn't the guy who took a year, wasn't goofing off. He was doing his writing every day. He was doing his meetings. He was doing his outpatient. He was, you know, doing his family obligations, but he was doing his writing. He brought me this War and Peace Force step, which I looked at and I was like, we're not reading this. Yeah. Let's start telling me about your wife.

You know she wrote it. You needed to write this. That's fine,

but we're not going to, we're not going to sit here for three weeks and read over your inventory because it's just keeping you stuck. Let's look at the issues. Let's look at what the real deal is. You know, because the, the, the, the purpose in in, in my experience of what four and five are all about is two things. One is showing me a pattern of behavior. I can figure out a pattern of behavior after 20 friggin names.

OK, sometimes it takes more, but I can figure out a pattern of behavior after 20. And the other

is to remove the big crap in the way of my connection to God. You know, it's like I got all this shit down here and God's deep down inside every man, woman and child. OK, I got all this crap in here. I need to get in there and I need to shovel it out and open up a channel. That's what it's, that's what it's all about. You know, it's the stuff that blocks me. I have a prayer today that I use whenever I go to write inventory. And it and it's, it's a very simple prayer. God, please show me what blocks me from you and my fellows. And then I start to write,

you know, I don't think about it anymore.

I don't analyze it anymore. The 12 steps

are a spiritual process. They're not an analytical process. You do that analyzing stuff with a therapist. You do somebody with that's qualified to look at your inner child shit,

OK, you're doing inventory. Inventory is a spiritual process.

It's something that removes the blockages between you and your higher power and it allows that Channel to flow through. Because without that higher power, I'm screwed. Remember step one, you know, I, I, I'm restless, irritable, discontent. I think I can do it again. And once I do it, I can't stop. And the only thing that stands between me and that drink is my relationship with my higher power, that new way of life. And it's not belief, it's a relationship. It's something that I have to work on on a daily basis because

default setting is fuck you. God, that's my default setting. You know, I still do it to this day. You know, I know what every fiber of my being that if I wake up in the morning and I say, God, what do you got for me today? And I go about and I do that, my life's going to be wonderful. And I also know at the same time that if I wake up in the morning and I say, screw you, God, I got this. My life is going to suck. But on any given day, I will say, screw you. God, I got this.

That's my default setting. You know, I open my mind. I, I open my eyes in the morning and my first thought is screw you God, I got this.

You know, that's why I have the tools that I have. You know, part of the part of the 11th step tells me that there's a prayer. God, please direct my thinking. Help it be divorced of selfish, self pitying, self seeking whatever. I forget the exact words. I have it written down. I I'm bad with remembering. And what I did is when I first was given this prayer, I taped it to my ceiling above my bed

so that when I open my eyes in the morning, it was the first thing that I've seen

because it's that time. It's that wake up in the morning and I open my eyes and screw you. Oh, yeah. God direct my thinking. You know, it's, it's that quick for me, you know. And if I forget to pray in the morning, now again, if I miss that, I walk into my bathroom to, you know, do my morning stuff. And I've got a prayer hanging on my mirror. I got a prayer hanging behind my my, my toilet, you know, because again, these are the things that are going to keep me sober.

It's not about how many meetings I make. I

I'm lucky if I make 3 meetings in a week. I typically make one or two. Yeah, I've got four kids and I've got a job, a side business, and what do I got about 7 sponsees right now. You know, I'm lucky if I make three. I usually make one or two. You know, if I needed to make meetings every day in order to stay sober, I'd be dead,

you know? But I was taught that meetings are not what keep me sober.

Meetings are where I go to look for you guys, to look for the newcomer, to carry the message. OK, I get my recovery on the phone at my kitchen table, at my sponsors kitchen table, you know,

worst case scenario on Skype, you know, I've done that, you know, and in my prayer life, you know, because the bottom line is, is it's between me and God.

The people in my life are just

they're the go between, you know, when I'm off, you know, which happens regularly. You know, I've got people in my life to say, Adam, you're full of shit. You know, look at that, you know, you know, wake up. Have you did did you go to God? You know, I'm teaching. I got these two. I got these two sponses right now that I'm they're very caught up in the human power thing and I got to go to meetings. I got to talk to my sponsor. I got to talk to my network and do all this stuff.

And what I'm, what I'm teaching them right now is you got to go to God first and then you go to them. You know, it takes time to get that right. So you better go to them also, you know, to get that God consciousness right. But the, the 10th step tells me that I watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. I ask God to remove this.

Then I discuss it with another person, making amends if I need to,

and then turn my thoughts to somebody I can help, you know, So I go to God first and then I discuss it with somebody, you know, basically I go to God. I ask God for guidance. I, I, I, I bring that guidance to another person to make sure that I'm not deluding myself and full of shit and telling myself what I want to hear, you know, And then I go about turning my thoughts to somebody else, you know, so the people in my life are back up.

My source is supposed to be my higher power.

You know, granted, in the beginning I absolutely needed people. I needed people for years, you know, But I'm a slow learner, you know, I've watched, I've watched people grow really quickly in the fellowship. You know, I, I got AI, got a sponsee right now, Kid blows me away. He's really amazing.

Within a year,

he was on point with his guidance. He was on point with his connection with God. You know, it took me damn near 7 years to start getting accurate guidance. You know, I, I, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm thick. You know, this kid blew me away. And I don't know if he's the norm and I'm the weirdo or if I'm the norm and he's the weirdo. But you know, the idea is, is you got to have the backup. You got to have the people.

11 step is

ever changing in my life. You know, I've got my basics. My basics is I think it's page 86 to 88. In the big book, it starts with the nightly review, which everyone thinks is part of the 10th step. But in the big book, it's part of the 11th step nightly review. Was I, was I resentful today? Was I selfish? Was I thinking of other people or thinking mostly of myself? Was I packing into the stream of life? Do I own apology?

There's 12 questions in there I ask myself on a nightly basis. It tells me when I retire at night. You know what? When I retire at night doesn't have to be when I put my head on my pillow. Sometimes when I retire at night is when I'm on the way home from work. You know? Sometimes when I retire at night is, you know, 8:00. Sometimes it's 5:00. It just depends. For me. That's what I needed. Some people need the structure. OK,

what I do with the structure

is the good Catholic boy in me. I sit, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, stand, say the response. There's nothing going from the head to the heart. It becomes ritual. It becomes habit. It doesn't mean anything. And I did that for a period of time, You know, I dotted the IS and crossed the TS and did it perfectly the way I was supposed to. And there was nothing going into my heart. I needed to break it up. And I found that God doesn't give a shit when I talk to him as long as I do.