Hope and Serenity Meeting in Sacramento

Introduce our speaker for this evening and that would be Ernet G from Walnut Creek.

Hey everybody, I'm Erna and I'm an alcoholic and I identify with you. I'm Papasa. I will pass out.

Haven't spoken in front of a big crowd like that before. And it's an honor, it's a privilege. And I want to thank the committee to for inviting me here.

We had a dinner and this is really a lot of fun. And I mean, I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

I love to go to, you know, meetings or speaker meetings all over the place. And I try to do that if I travel

now. I don't know what to say. Very typical. That's my book. It's a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous

needs to cover somewhere in Texas.

I used to write my God stories on the cover because if I'm if I was having some problems, I just like flick the cover and I read the God stories that God is doing something for me that I didn't do for myself, that's for sure.

I've tried every possible method under the sun to stay sober on my own power. I failed all of the time. I found the solution in the spoke of Alcoholics Anonymous. Finally, finally, after trying for a while to do it my own way for a long time

and you know,

and you know, you've heard about the, you know, the easier, softer way. This is it. Because finally you want to surrender to the process. It's, it's, it's simple, maybe not easy, but it's simple. It's so simple. Wow, How could I, you know, and I am that I'm an alcoholic, that, you know, of intellectual variety and all. I was taught when I was when I was a kid, You know, if you want to succeed in life, if you want to overcome difficulties, put a lot of knowledge in your head,

go get a lot of degrees, get education. You're going to be fine.

And with that mentality that all the DI went out in the world and I try to succeed and I failed utterly because I'm the I'm I'm a real alcoholic. I'm a real alcoholic. And there's a clear distinction between the real alcoholic and a heavy drinker in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. For a while I was trying to identify as an as a real drinker or heavy drinker. And you know, therefore I was waiting all kinds of situations, but I didn't know this isms is within me. It's in my own mind.

I I my sobriety date is June 11th of 1998. There is a day after

63rd anniversary of a A and it's important for me to keep that date, you know, so I'm, I'm, you know, I, I celebrate 14 years next June, God willing.

Thank you.

And I, I wrote, I wrote in them on the, on the, the, the, this page difference. There's a difference between

not drinking and sobriety. When I am not drunk, I am restless, irritable, and I'm discontented. But when I am sober, I'm happy, joyous and free. So this is just to remind me of who I am. And I have to sit with it sometimes and remind me where I'm coming from. And it's not, I'm not supposed to be here. It's only for the grace of God. But I'm standing here tonight. It's only for the grace of God because I found the power of God through the work in the 12 step of 12 steps of alcohol synonymous.

And it was, it's been a long unpaved Rd. Like I told you, I've tried a lot of versions of what I thought was a a. It's been a, a puzzle that had been kind of pieced together for me kind of year by year, month. But you know, it's, it's but you know, looking back, it's been all worth it. It's been all worth it. You know, I live in I, I, I live in such a,

I don't know, my, my life is just great. My, my reality is just great. And it's simple. My life has gotten simpler. Thank God.

I when I when I you know, I was born and raised in Iceland. Iceland is a little volcanic island up in the North Atlantic Ocean. For those who don't know, we're about 330,000 is probably less than the population of Sacramento. I believe

we drink a lot and I'm asked this quite a bit, you know? You know, sometimes people confront me with this. You know,

I heard you guys drink a lot, right?

Yeah, we do. So you guys, you drink a lot because, you know, I guess you're very isolated and and, you know, you probably drink a lot because it's cold there, right? Yeah. Yeah, You know, but in reality, we drink a lot because we're Alcoholics, a lot of us.

And we're 330,000. We're all kind of interconnected, kind of weirdly, huh?

But

I was this, I was this kid when I grew up, I was very, very shy. And I'm very shy, introvert, very artistic. I never, I never talked. I never communicated, you know, I was, you know, usually in my room, you know, doing, you know, drawing or reading books or doing poetry or whatever. And grew up in this disease,

hated it, hated this alcohol demon. I knew. I knew it did something bad.

Very bad.

And I was never gonna do anything like that. I was never gonna drink alcohol. I knew that. And that's my life story. I was never gonna be a single mom, was never gonna be an alcoholic, never gonna, you know, never gonna do this or that. It's like, it's like God is like really? Are you sure? You know,

and, and then on one winter day in January, the January of 1987 and a lot of you were, you know, I was not born when a lot of you got sober in here, you know, but January 11th, 1987, see, I remember that pretty clearly. It was January 11th and 1987.

It's that David in my memory, when I, I was home alone, it was, it was dark outside, it was cold. There was, it was snowstorm. We lived in a, in a place, we lived in an apartment complex up on a hill that overlooked the whole city. We could see in a, in a, in the one those wonderful, you know, long, bright summer nights. We could see like the whole city, 13 churches. We could see the, you know, Atlantic Ocean and a glacier in a distance.

And, you know, when the sun was setting down, you, you know, it was a little later, the skies really beautiful. And in my memory, you know, oh, yeah. That that winter night, I was alone home and I I I was just doing nothing. And I just decided I just had this great idea, this this, this fabulous idea to go in my dad's closet and get us a Costco vodka,

get that bottom and I'm gonna drink it. And I did. And in my in my memory,

I am looking out of the window and it's really real to me. And I'm looking at this beautiful bright sunset go down behind that glacier bleating up the sky, when in reality was January 11th of 1987. It was very, very cold outside and it was a snowstorm. That was reality.

And I remember that night because

I look in the mirror and I'm like, I, you know, I changed clothes because I need to, you know, bathe in the spotlight. You know, there was no one home, only me.

And I was just looking at this little, this beautiful woman in the mirror and I just like,

I'm fabulous, I'm awesome, and I look like Marilyn Monroe. Seriously.

But I I was 11 years old, but alcohol did something for me. Alcohol did something for me,

and that was the story of my life. It always did something for me. I never saw what it did to me. Everybody else did. I didn't, and I was going to do that again. And I did that a lot. A lot. I was a chronic alcoholic. I had this incredible thirst and I couldn't stop. And I'd never had a history of drinking wine, never been able to drink wine and cheese and just go home, you know,

go to play and just have a nice evening and never there's this insane alcoholic. I loved drinking. I loved it. Alcohol did something for me.

If you know the 9th the promises, you know, new freedom and a new happiness. Uh-huh. That's what alcohol did for me, you know, not did not regret the past. Mr. Shot that they're running comprehend the word serenity. No peace. That's what alcohol did for me. It's not afraid of people. Not at all. I couldn't, you know, anyways, Yeah, yeah. Anyways,

so I, I drank a lot and it became the norm pretty quickly. And my, my poor parents, I tried everything. I'm I'm not going to dwell along on the story, but this, this drinking story. But it's important anyway.

They tried everything. They tried to keep me grounded. They try to be in a lock me inside. They try to do everything to make this kid behave. They send me on a farm like four, 400 miles away. You know, that farmer was at a full-fledged alcoholic. So we got along pretty well.

I, you know,

and I got back and I found the love of my life. I was 14 years old. I found the love of my life, you know, a little little dude, 14 years old, long hair, you know, we would, you know, dressed in as, you know, motorcycle jackets. And it had like, Metallica on the back or Slayer and Doctor,

Doctor Martin's boots. Very scary, you know,

And then, you know, we drank a lot. We were drinking buddies. I was very passionate relationship, very passionate.

And by the time when I was 17, he dumps me

and it was really passionate. I mean we fought like, you know, fists, blood, pulling hair and everything over a pad of cigarette. I mean, we were just, it was really intimate, so to speak.

And then, then my, my, my, my, you know, I would say when he dumped me, I mean, Jesus, but I, I can say that my, I when people say, you know, health does exist, I say, yeah, I know, I know. That's when my my alcoholism really, really took off.

And I believe that my problem was lack of boyfriend

and on top of everything, I was pretty creative. So, you know, the skirts got shorter, the heels got higher. And for you who've seen the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show,

you know that that red lipstick, that plasticky latex, That was me,

rain or shine, you know,

20° below, that was me. And I was going to find that boyfriend. And during the time and, and I was in such a pain, you know, I was in such a pain. I woke up every morning hating life, hating everything, hating that place that I lived in this volcanic rock, always raining or snowing and winding. No trains or palm trees or beaches. It also and, you know, and and and and and my solution to this was

more foods, drink more booze. And I was on a mission to find that one, and I had certain criteria.

He had to have long hair, a lot of tattoos,

criminal record, great,

Unemployed. Perfect.

And I slept with a lot of people during that time.

Untreated alcoholism, a lot of booze on a mission, a lot of damage, you know, stuck with a lot of people. And I was like, I'm waking up after 5 days of bending and I'm like, who are you? You know, who are, you could be my grandpa. And you know, this is just a, this is just, this is just a part of my story. This is a part of my story. And this is what happened to a lot of us. This is how it is untreated alcoholism,

and it's terrible. Ma'am, I'm walking around like that,

really believing that delusional I that my problem was a human being.

And I'm walking along thinking that I having all kinds of diseases, including AIDS, and I don't care about your people. I don't care about you. And I'm 17 or 19 years old and I'm drinking constantly and I can't stop. I'm making very vague attempts to, to stop drinking or drinking like a normal person. And like I said, never had any experience with that ever. And then I find him. I find that poor soul, that long hairdo, I find him. And he was in a band, which was pretty cool.

And it took me about a three days to kind of snare him down

and move into his place.

You know, things happen quickly.

That poor guy. And he's, he's, he's a normie. But I mean, who's a normie? Who? I mean, never mind,

he doesn't have his disease. But anyways, he tried to throw me out, you know, he tried to throw me out, but but I, I knew that he was a part of my plan and I was not going to leave. And I hung on to that door. He tried to pull me out. He tried to throw me out. And when he gave up on that, he just left. He just like left for days. He's like, I'm done with you. But he came back and, you know, I, I, I did a lot of wreckage there, a lot of rackets during that time.

And my morals were down in the toilet. I didn't have any concept about, you know, loyalty

or what it means to be committed and what it means to be a decent human being. And I tried everything and I watched those kids my age and I'm like,

what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be? Why can't I just spend the Friday night with mom and dad and watch a movie? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? And

making, you know, so many attempts to quit or stop or diminish or change plans or go, go from point A to B. But I couldn't figure it out,

you know, and, and, and during, during the time towards the end, you know, I am waking up every morning and my wish is to still, you know, put an end on this. And I see myself hanging there in the corner in a rope. That would be the end for me. That would be the greatest solution, you know,

And that was the only thing, only time when I can, when I could see the truth about this whole thing. I was never able to differentiate the truth from the false that that alcohol is killing me. And I can't say it except when I am hacking the the toilet bowl, when I'm waking up after days of drinking and I don't know what happened. You know, one more time, one more time round of day and I somehow end up in a treatment

And it was great. It was great. And then, you know, they don't, you don't really pay them like

home. You just go in and you get a clean bag and you're, you, you go to detox. And it's very similar as here. I, I've heard. And I thought it was the coolest place. And I found my, I found my people. One of the guys in my, my group was he had like a mark on his head, like someone had hit him with an axe. And I'm like, that's so cool. And you know, you know someone to really look up to. You know someone who you know to respect

and then you know, you go to a you know, a 28 days like a treatment and

the teacher how to, you know, smile in the mirror and make the bad. They teach her how to, you know, eat breakfast and and brush your teeth and mornings too, you know, and journal and I really, really try to you just look in the mirror and smile in the mirror. You know, you, I love you and all of that.

And it was great, you know, open up to people and,

and I, and I mean, and I did so well, you know, with my, you know, idea of knowledge, just put, put a lot of knowledge in her head and you know, you'll make it. They make me the bell, the bell ringer. You know what that is? It's like you're, you're, you're, you're ahead of everybody. You have the bell. That means you can go into the rooms in the morning and you can wake them up, make the other patients up. So you're, you're with that bell like 7:00 in the morning, you're ringing the bell and you don't have to do dishes or do the toilets or anything. You're just, you've got the bell

and and I was told that I was doing incredibly well and I believe that.

And I come out and I'm not even, I haven't even done, I haven't even finished high school at this point. Then I come out and I can't wait to finish. I can't wait to go back to school and do these things and start, you know, walking my dog and you know, you know, eat healthy and go to these a a meetings like they told me to do and all of that. And you know, they told me a few things. They said go to amims but don't walk the steps,

at least not for the first six months because you need an emotional balance before you do that.

It's not in my paper anyways.

And I come out and I go to a few meetings and I start walking my dog and I'm just restless, irritable and discontent. I go to these meetings and I'm like, oh, not quite open minded, you know, I'm like, please don't talk. Don't, don't talk out. Please don't talk spiritual. Don't. It was just so uncool. And I was one of these people who helped, you know, held hands with, you know, in the circle. I don't say the Lord's Paris is uncle,

even though I've never opened the Bible in my life. It was just not cold. You know the saying the big book, you know, you just have to be, you know,

you know, open minded and express willingness to all spiritual concept, including, you know, Christianity or out of body experience is what dormant whatever it is. No, I was going to do it my way and I went to a few meetings and I didn't like it. I was an alcoholic that sat by the door like, you know, 20 years old, you know, this is a waste of time, yadda yadda, yadda. And then my period of in and

started, I had I had that for about two years and in and out business of AI, you know that relapser

I really try. You know, they say that your best thinking got you here. And that is so true. I mean, I used all my willpower, all my willpower.

And eventually, you know, being an AA and not knowing if you're going to drink that day is a bad place. It's a bad place. It feels like a layer of protection is taking off you. You just don't know whether you're going to drink that day. You don't have the power to choose. It's been taken away from you. But I didn't understand that. I thought it was enough for me to go to meetings

and declare myself as an alcoholic without having a clue what it means. I know today what it means. It says in the doctor's opinion tells me that I have an allergy and I have an obsession of the mind.

And in my natural state of mine, I am restless, irritable, and I'm discontented. I can't sit still, I can't focus, I'm never happy. Everything is always wrong. That's my natural state of mind. Then I have to keep that in mind every day anyways. So that didn't work for me. And I mean, I really put the willpower into trying. I tried hard

and then, you know, I decided at some point I was having those this this obsession was just killing me. And I went to an alcoholic counselor. He said to me, are you going to meetings? Yes. Are you exercising? Yes. How much while I'm walking to the to the bus stop about mile a day, but that's not exercising. You need to go to the pool and swim,

you know, eating healthy. Yeah. I mean, I'm doing all of these things. It's moral and philosophical convictions galore. I cannot live up to them, even though I want to. All the self help books can't. I can't. I can't overcome my disease with those methods. I can't.

And then, you know, I decided to exert myself more. And by the time I drank again, I was going to four, four meetings a week. And I was really, really trying.

And then the day came I had about four or five months sober, you know, going to meetings. And they said, you know, talk in those meetings, you know, talk about your problems, talk about what's going on, you know, get rid of it. Just, you know, throw it out there. And I did that. And then the day came January, I mean, June 11th of 1998, not a cloud on the horizon. I want to work that morning.

Not really, you know, I had any special plan. I said I was going to go to a meeting 2:00

and then about noon someone comes to me and says,

are you do you want to go over this to a bar after after work and have some beer in the sun?

And I'm like, hack you. Thank you. But not even a single thought occurred to me. But I've been trying and going to meetings and doing all of these things. There was no defense against the idea of that first drink. Nothing. It, it felt like in, in my memory, it felt like it was this big hand came down from the sky and reached me and just threw me

back into that bar on that sticky power stone. And my drinking buddies, they were all like 50-60 plus

I used to drink in a stock bars and they used to, you know, they used to, you know,

find me drinks and pat me on the back when I was coming during my relapse. Isn't like, you know, it's going to be OK. It's you just rise up again. And this time they were not, they were like they were kind of smiling at me and that was really hurtful. They hurt my ankle

and I was drinking one more time. Nothing catastrophic. I was just drinking one more time, man, I was sick and tired. And when I, when I woke up to reality the day after, I was like, I can't believe it. I was full of shame. I was so ashamed. I just wanted to, you know, put a bag over my head and I don't know. I didn't know what to avoid myself or everybody. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And after all of these meetings, hundreds of meetings, hundreds of meetings,

there was only one thing. There was nothing. Not not a single idea I could think about

nothing good, except there was only one thing that stuck out at that moment in time when I hit my bottom. And I was rarely started with it. Rarely. It was rare earlier. Rarely have you seen a person fail who was thoroughly followed up half and that that somehow stuff up, probably because it's red and every meeting all over the world, all of the time. And I'm like, I, I stopped and I thought to myself, had I ever tried to be honest to, to somebody?

I don't think so. I don't even know what the word honesty meant. Never tried anything, never made a slightest attempt to get a sponsor or or pay attention to, you know, those poems on the walls who staff some of the traditions.

And I was full ashamed, you know, and I mean, and at that, you know, point in time, I was just absolutely perfect. And I'm so glad that there was no one there for me to pat me on the back, to say, just keep coming back,

It's gonna be OK Let's go. Don't meet. I'm just glad that there was no one there. You know, I didn't have a cell phone at the time. There was no Internet. There's no nothing. I was just by myself. It was just me with me

and at that time in Iceland. I need to tell you a little bit about it. You know, Iceland was established. You know, it was brought to Iceland in 1954. So I've been around for quite some time. Most of the meetings, I think all of the meetings were,

you know, you bring your problems to the meetings. You didn't hear about talking about solutions that you hear in the bakery. You didn't hear about that. You just went into those dark tunnel meetings. You came out depressed.

Seriously. And

and you know, and it was like, you know, OK, you know, I had a sponsor at the time and I was like, I told her I was finishing high school. I was, I had an art major and I was going to this human anatomy classes

and there she was my sponsor. She was there. She was a model. She was when I met her, she was naked sitting on a stool and I was throwing her and through her sister, I heard that she had been sober for seven years in AA and I asked her to be my sponsor. I mean, she was brave and she had something that I want and I asked her to be my sponsor. Sure, she introduced me to a lot of meeting a lot of people in a A, but at the same time we were meeting every week. I was taking the bus to her house about 10 miles away with my infant daughter at the time.

I was about to become a single mother

and we sat and we read Healing the Shame that Minds You.

Healing the Shame that Minds you

and we were discussing, you know, childhood issues, abandonment issues and a horribly neglected I've been as a child and I drank. I drank, you know, moral and philosophical convictions galore. They don't do anything for me. See this this is the idea. Just just fix. Just fix yourself

and and by the time when I when I drank again and she, I, I, I called her and she said, I don't know what to do for you, you know, with meeting. We've been reading together, but I have one suggestion

for you. Go to 90 minutes and 90 days. Again, good advice. Not in the paper.

And then she said to me, I've been into horses all my life and I love horses and my personal experience with horses that I, I was brought up with horses too. My, my graph. I had horses. So I rode horses. I knew quite a bit about horses. And she says because of my horses, I think I was able to stay sober. And I think you should get one

well meaning of mice, well meaning advice that it could have killed me. And I said, huh,

OK. And I bought a horse. I bought a horse and everything that relates to a horse, I got that because I wanted to stay sober. I really wanted to. I was willing to go to any lake, including getting a horse,

an animal.

And by the time when

about to train that horse and ride that horse, I think God knew that I was I was serious. I had allergy. It's about to ride that horse and I couldn't stay close to that horse. I still have allergies for horses today. I can't be a mountain. But at the same time, I think God wanted me to do something serious about this disease. And that's kind of when, you know, things started to happen. Well, I went to 90 minutes and 90 days and I was not eating on a fruitcake after that because I wasn't working a single step.

You know, I thought the kumbaya, you know, keep coming back. It works if you work it just just don't drink

between meetings and go to a lot of meetings. I heard that a lot. So another misconception. You know, I, I know that today as so much more needed to happen and I've gotten that, I've gotten that and I work with women today that our single mothers, they, their car is broken, whatever. And I'm not, I'm not going to order them to go to 90 minutes and 90 days. Although, you know, it's important to go to meetings. I go to meetings today and I still go to meetings like I did in the very beginning. And I became that meaning fanatic.

I was like crazy about meetings.

Anyways, yeah, in that time in Iceland, there was no recovery, quite honestly. And then in the around the year of 2000, few things happened that brought, you know, sobriety or the the message of the big book over to Iceland. And that was through a couple of guys named Joe and Charlie. They came and they, they taught us a little bit about this paper. And then another thing. A little guy, 25 years old got sober. This computer

nerd, he had a city

and he put it on the Internet on a, a speaker, He put it on the Internet. Well, today that website that he created has more than 7,000,000 downloads of free online speakers. Can you imagine, you know where we're stuck up in the North Atlantic, but we're getting the message of Alcoholics Anonymous like it is in this big book through the Internet. And we're like, wow, Oh my God, there's so much more to this than this. It's it's not all misery

and

you know, it's not just like, you know, go out and avoid those liquor store and just like pretend it's not there because it says in my paper that, you know, I can try to do that. And even though on Eskimo might show up with a bottle of whiskey, whatever, you know, also tell me that I can go to all kinds of places, you know, and be happy, George and free. And that's my experience today. Anyways.

Don't Charlie come there and they take teach us a lot about the big book of alcoholism, Animus. During that time,

I had a sponsor. She worked an inventory with me. I didn't know what I was doing. You know, they're they're rough parts were kind of taken away from me. I was able to move on. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand my disease. I didn't understand why I was doing this, why I had to do an inventory, why I needed a God. I started to pray during the time and I believe that I was touched by God. I thought it was a third study honest decision with a third step, but it wasn't. It was just like I was praying and I was touched by God. I was confident that God is God is,

but I, I, I did an, I did an inventory, you know, in my, my first six months of my sobriety, it was rough. I did 6-6 and seven, I thought. And then I kind of did a, you know, little amends here and there, nothing, no big deal. You know, you know, no disciplines of 1011 and 12, you know, like, you know, it's like you, you, it's like, it's literally like you never take out your personal garbage. You just keep on collecting it and starts to stink really, really bad.

And you know, two or three years, you know, going to a lot of meetings that start to drift away from AA. And I'm to, you know, back to the place when I'm waking up in the morning and I want to commit suicide because I hate, I hate my life. And I'm stark raving sober and I'm looking in the mirror and I don't want to live anymore and I can't get out of the house. I'm ashamed, I hate myself. I'm screaming, screaming at my, my 4 year old daughter. I can't stand her. I can't be around her. I'm restless, I'm irritable and I'm discontented.

I'm, I'm, you know, my, my disease, just checking my butt every day. And what is going on back home is just pretty phenomenal. And I, you know, I, I, I, I hold on to one coffee commitment once a week and that's the minimum I can do. And I go there one Monday morning and I said to the guy who was doing this with me, I said, you know, I just want to kill myself. I don't want to live anymore. And, and what he said to me saved my life, I believe. And he said, honey, I think you need to, you know, really find a new sponsor and, and, and do the, do the work.

I, I, I was around four years of sobriety, you know,

you know, when I'm not drinking, I'm restless, I'm irritable and I'm discontented. And by the time I go to these meetings, they have changed quite a bit. There are a bunch of young people all on fire, like

allergy obsession, you know,

they record doctor's opinion. Oh my God, I'm like doctor's opinion. What's that, say, Roman numerals?

It's like, oh, my God, you know, I know a guy, you know, a guy who know a guy who was sponsored by Doctor Bob. Like, you know, And it's like, whoa. And I mean, it's a big, like, huge awakening going on there. And, you know, you're going to a new meeting. And they're just like, you know, earlier tonight, You know, there are people on both sides greeting you. Here's a cup of coffee after the meeting. Here's a broom you can help sweep the floor.

They're they're coffee mugs over there. You can wash them. And then we're going to go to the pizza place altogether. I mean, it's just a totally new concept of a, a, it's a fellowship of the spirit.

And I became a part of that and I loved it. I had so many friends and I was on fire. And one of those young people, they're on fire, you know? But you know what?

But it was just a piece of the puzzle called sobriety. And I love that time. I love that time. I really do. And I read that a a boy on campus, you know,

that was so cute. You know,

he was Mr. A a lot of sponsies. And I'm like, Oh my God, he's so sexy. They're so something so sexy about the spiritual giants. I don't know what it is, you know,

keeping them. He he was from Iceland. He tried to, he tried to be get sober in the 80s and

he tried to hang himself and he fled to Norway and then he fled to the States and got married in Vegas. And then he ended up in San Diego and got sober there. So, I mean, he was, he was on fire. So he was up in the last guy. He was up in Iceland. He was, he was in San Diego. And then we were friends for a few years and then I moved up to Alaska with him. It took about 3 weeks. It's like mom, dad, I'm packing time. I'm moving to Alaska

and they're like,

OK, you know, we Alcoholics, we do things quickly, not always well planned, but I really thought it was God's will. I really thought, you know, they say it in the paper. You know, we're not going to be inspired at all times. We make some absurd decisions. That was one of them. But that's how I ended up here. So I packed down a few weeks and mom and dad, I'm not talking to any sponsor anything. I don't need to do that

and I end up in Alaska, you know, really thought I got it all together. You know,

I go there and I get in a wonderful a community up there. It's great. I mean, if you ever go there, they're like, ah, they love to have you, you know, but you know, and and I was there and I got to learn a lot. My sponsor there, she was all into service. She was on fire. She was loving and caring moment. She really was. She taught me a lot about 12 step work, like, you know, long and action. You know, she picked me up every day, took me to a meeting, you know, did an inventory. You know, your disease is not taking

girl. You need to stay on top of things. And then I moved down to the Bay Area. Another movie. You know, Alaska is not quite working. Let's move to to California. It sounds kind of better. So we packed down in about, you know, couple of weeks and then we drove down here and then the relationship fell apart completely and I was here.

Self will run riot. We call it right. Anyways, whatever I think I I go to AAI mean I love meetings. I love meetings and I ended up in San Francisco with a backpack on my back going to school.

And I,

Long story short, along the way I learned a lot of things, you know, and I came to these meetings and I had this idea of a, a utopia in San Francisco. Can you imagine all that, the variety of people and variety of meetings? And I thought everybody would be, you know, happy joys and free. And it was not quite like that. I've never been,

never been so lonely in my life, you know,

and I just remember going to this meetings and, and few things, you know, kind of stick out. And that is, you know, I, I, when I came to San Francisco was, you know, lived in few places in the Bay Area, had quite a few of sponsors. So every time I, I, I go to a new rental, you know, I have a sponsor, you know, we do the process of 4th and 5th, 4th and 5th, you know, get rid of the things in the cell that blocks you

and then move on. But I didn't realize there were a lot of, lot of things missing. And I know that today that, you know, one step in this program of recovery. Parachute, parachute

for the next. Although I understood the condition of my disease, my foundation was still pretty wobbly because I was still running on self will. Not maybe all of the time, but yes, sometimes.

But I learned a lot along the way. And you know, I I went to this meeting in San Francisco and I remember this guy's face sticking out and he has a spider web tattooed all over his over his face. And I just walked into this high moon meeting and I just see him. He staring at me like blood rat shot eyes to staring at me through the spider with face. And he is like, I mean,

this guy is awesome. These guys awesome, animatic, any of you know who it is, But he's awesome. And he comes to me and he's like, you know, he's very nice and where are you from and all of that. And then he asked me the question, are you sponsoring somebody? And I'm like, oops, Nope. Well, there was a question he asked me every time. Are you sponsoring somebody? Well, I got, you know, 7-8 years as a bride. I'm not sponsoring anybody because the process is not really done. OK.

And then, I mean,

you know, I thought I had humbled myself. I thought I had done some proper third step. I think at that point in time, I'd never done a proper, you know, third step, that decision, that vital and crucial step to do 4 through 9, All of it, all of it, you know, not only the process of, of, of, of, you know, admitting your shortcomings, confessing them to somebody. I've done that million times,

but finishing that business, you know,

you know, clearing up the racket of your past, you know, that I was kind of putting off for a long time and I was seeking this relationship with God. I knew that people had it. I knew that I've seen it, but I didn't quite feel it. And then when I was, when I was, when I was about

10 years old, I moved to Walnut Creek. Like I said, I was never going to be a single mother. And then I was never going to have more kids and then I was never going to get married. Well, guess what? I met my husband in San Francisco

and he is an army and we're like, you know, got married quickly. And about two weeks into that, the other one at a divorce. I was so startled. I'm still driven by fears. Remember, you know.

We moved to Walnut Creek and I'm pregnant and I am married to this wonderful guy that he's still my husband. I love him to death. I mean, what a God's gift and, and I am, I am, I am looking, I'm looking for this fellowship. I crave this fellowship and I crave this book and I crave more. I crave more. And then I think God showed me. God showed me

and I, I am going to meetings and I see, I see a man in this, this, this meetings that is talking a A and I know that he knows what he's talking about

and there is a peace and serenity over him. And I want what I have.

And it took me about one or two years to kind of get to know him a little bit. And he invited me to his meeting Monday morning, meeting at his house. And I walk in there. I don't know what to expect, but I found the fellowship that I craved.

They talked about history. They talked about the steps. They talked about and studied the book line by line, paragraph by paragraph. It's all about the power. It's all about the power,