The topic of "Amending our past" at the Nosara Big Book Workshop in Nosara Playa Guiones, Costa Rica

My name is Rich Buckner. I'm an alcoholic and this is too cool being in the South Costa Rica, one of my

places in the world. When David called and was describing what we're going to do and Chris talking about it and you know, it's kind of far away and it's it's this place and where is it Where is it? And they finally said no. Sarah, I have this is my sixth year here. I have been lucky enough to come for the last week of March and the first week of April, usually with a group of sober guys. We all come here surfing and and and enjoying this, this town. And when you put

some of the great

passions in my life, you know, surfing and outside and experiencing God's universe, because at the end of my drinking, I wasn't a go outside kind of guy. That that was one of the things that alcohol, you know, took from me and I surrendered to it. Whichever semantic version of that you want. The bottom line was I didn't go outside The the I was almost like a vampire. You know, the sunlight night didn't get along well

and to come down here surfing and being in the ocean and the palm trees and

coconuts and you put that together

with Alcoholics Anonymous, I can't imagine

a cooler place to do this. So thank you for all the hard work, David and Patrick, I, I know really helped and it was just incredible.

I think it's important with steps 8:00 and 9:00 that I tell you a little bit about

who I am, what I am, and what the what there was to amend rather than jump it right into it. I'm a big fan of a guy named Ernest Kurtz. He wrote 2 great books, book called Not God, but more importantly, book called The Spirituality of Imperfection. I'm not very good at talking about God, at going right at it.

I haven't heard very many people that are, you know, describing it, talking about the power. But in that book, the spirituality of imperfection, he says that's one of the neat things about Alcoholics Anonymous is what we do is we we tell a story, our story. And somewhere in that story, without me talking about it, you all get to see God work. And isn't that really why we're here

so.

That's also why those stories are in the back of the book. I thought that I was supposed to like relate to these people drinking or what they did or where they were from. You know, none of that. It actually says right in there that why these stories are in the book is hopefully it's an adequate cross section of our membership and so that we can see how each of these members came to develop a personal relationship with God. Now that's what I'm supposed to be getting out of their stories when I'm reading,

and that's what I get out when I listen to you. And that is when I realized that I am you and you are me, and we meet

here in the South Costa Rica, and our spirits come together where they were all along. But I had to come here to realize that

grew up in Baltimore, MD is where I'm from, from 2 loving parents. No one in my entire family drinks currently or ever has have grandparents. I, I know nothing about genetic, you know, theories of alcoholism. I'm not a scientist. I'm not into any of that. I mean, if, if it's genetic, right on. If it's not my sponsor. I do have a sponsor. His name is Roger McMahon. Roger would like you to know that he's from Bethany Beach, DE. He's getting older sometimes. We've been in the hospital four times together

in the last year with his heart. If I just told you, Roger M, he'd be mad at me in case somebody needed to go visit him in the hospital. And if you ever on the East Coast, he would love to take you to a meeting. But yeah,

Roger, by my Home group, as a group called the Fresh Air Group, we do exactly this type of thing. We read something out of the book and discuss it every Tuesday night from 8:00 to 9:00 in Ocean City, MD. But

anyways, Roger tells me he thinks that I became alcoholic by drinking too much, and I don't know any better. So I've just gone with, you know what Roger said. And I know our book, you know, from reading it talks about

it seemed a shame that glass in hand, we have worked our minds into such an obsession goes to that sliding scale that Chris was talking about that precisely to the extent that I've lost power, choice and control in the drink is precisely the extent that I'm going to need this program of recovery as compared to a warm cup of coffee, some good meetings and some new friends. And there's some people that that works very well for and it's the greatest thing of their life. And that doesn't discount their a a experience. It's equally as valid

great as mine or anyone here. They came here, they made some new friends, they had a nice cup of coffee. And their lives are substantially

that that, that

my experience has been much the same as everyone. And I've heard, you know, it's it's the Alcoholics story. I think eventually we each have one story that kind of comes down to this different details, but it's really one story, you know, And if if anyone ever asks me to rewrite the first couple of paragraphs then and more about alcoholism, which I'm sure they wouldn't want.

The only things that I could add, you know, from 1939 until now is, you know, it would say here are some of the methods we have tried, you know, switching the beer to wine, drinking all weekends only, you know, going

meetings, not going to meetings, going to meetings without doing the steps, you know, going to be. I could add some your current AA experience into more about alcoholism. And much like everyone I've heard, you know, setting up your chairs and making your coffee and making sure your pamphlets were perfect and going to three meetings a day. It was just wholly insufficient for what I was up against. And I didn't know that, but I was, you know, trying to do the best I could at that time.

I think I had to do that to do this because

I think it's called the Peter Principle, where I will exist at the lowest common denominator. I will only give, I want to, I want the most from giving the least effort. You know, that's one of my defects of that Peter was talking my whole life. I've, you know, I won a lot and I don't want to work. You know, I want you to be my friend, but I don't want to be a friend now. I want something for nothing. But that's not how my family was, you know, and they did, they didn't drink and they were, they were loving, wonderful people. I went off.

I guess I'm going to take real quickly one story about why I drank because of that's what makes me alcoholic is what alcohol does for me, not to me. We've heard that distinguished wonderfully what it did for me. I went to a private school in 3rd grade.

They took me out of the public school. I had lots of friends. They sent me to a private school. They did that because they wanted me to have more and better than they ever had. I didn't see it that way. I thought my parents were trying to hurt me, not trying to help me. I was a third grader, taken away from my friends, put on a school bus with a 45 minute bus ride each way with kids that for the first time told me what rich meant and what poor meant. And I learned that I was from a poor horse farm family. They called me names like redneck. I didn't know what a redneck was.

3rd graders are very good. They just tell it how it is. And I start to experience what you all now have taught me as conscious separation and that there's really only, you know, Chuck Chamberlain, if there's such a thing as an enlightened alcoholic, you know, maybe he's pretty close. He said that there's only one problem that encompasses all problems, conscious separation, and only one solution that encompasses all solution, conscious connection, conscious contact.

And I was starting to separate. I didn't know that. I just knew I was different. I know I was different because they were kind enough to tell me.

I also got a kid named Reed whose job Reid was in like 7th, 8th grade. His job was just to beat me up every day for something. He'd figure it out. And anyways, this one day they, some of the older kids asked if I wanted to skip class and do some drinking. I'd never skipped any class. I'd never done any drinking. But out of my mouth came, you bet, you know, a longing for companionship, really. But we did some drinking and I, I, they said, what do you drink? Out of my mouth came bourbon. I don't know where

came from. I never had a drink with anything. It's a little bit embarrassing, I'll tell you that. We didn't have that. We had Peach snobs, which is pretty Sissy. There's a lot of people here from New Jersey and New York, and I know it's not tough guy stuff each snap. So you didn't, but that that that's what it was and it didn't matter what it was. It was what it did for me. When I drank that Peach schnapps. I had to go to the bathroom was the next thing that I noticed the bathroom, it said boys on the door, which was weird because I felt like a man for the first time in my life.

But I went into the boys room. I made another decision in there. I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that had previously been baffling me with the addition of alcohol to my life. There was a girl that rode that school bus. Her name was Nikki and I like Nikki. I didn't know how to tell Nikki I like Nikki. I didn't know how to talk to Nikki, but

on this day I decided that I was going to go sit next to Nikki on the school bus. On our school bus, we had a rule that there was like in the middle of the bus, the older kids sat in the back of the bus. There was a hierarchy, you know, of of age. And if you went past that, you know, middle line there on the school bus to where the older kids were, you got a beating. But on this day, I got on the school bus. I walked in the back of the bus to sit next to Nikki. Reed started to get up out of his seat to give me my beating. And as soon as he started to get up,

I laid into him with everything that I had in me. He went totally out in the bus seat. And the whole school bus got really, really, really quiet. And I sat down next to Nikki, And Nikki was looking at me and I was looking at Nikki. And this feeling came over me like men, some long overdue respect, you know, like I have to do. This is the moment I've been waiting for, finally.

And Nikki and I, we didn't say much. We just looked at each other. She got to her bus stop. She got off the bus. When she before she got off the bus, she leaned over and gave me this kiss that some of you guys will remember. It's not like my aunt or my grandmother ever gave me. It was half on the lips, half on the cheek. My feet tingled. I mean, this was a big deal

and she got off. I eventually get off at my bus stop. I go in, my parents know I've been driving. I'm drunk as a monkey. And that's probably pretty appropriate for here. But they, they know and I'm in big trouble. You know, I'm grounded forever. That's a big deal when you're in like 7th grade, you know, grounded forever. If anybody remembers that I I threw up all night long and Peach schnapps is is not as good going out as it is going in at syrupy stuff.

Sick, sick, sick as a dog. Woke up next to the toilet and my dad left me there and the thought went through my head, you know, you're ever going to do any more of that drinking and all this trouble and sick as a dog and just like that. I mean it wasn't 2 seconds that in my mind was you bet

you bet. What a small price to pay. Sick as a dog and grounded forever for what I had going on on that school bus.

I mean, being able to stand up to read for the first time in years, sitting next to Nikki, getting that, I mean, you kidding me? And, and what I didn't know was, you know, somewhere deep inside I had something, something clicked. While I would surrender my life to alcohol one drink at a time, I was going to turn over every bit of morality and integrity to that wonderful family had taught me. And it was going to happen so slowly that I didn't even know it was happening

because it was happening one drink at a time until eventually the thing that gave me that wonderful feeling that helped me so much that day

was going to, you know, do just what it did to Bill turn in flight like a boomerang, come back and destroy my life. And in the process, I was going to take a lot of people with me. I eventually ended up after high school, got in trouble a lot in in high school weekends in jail. Mom and dad would leave me there drunk in public, underage alcohol, nothing that I don't want anyone to confuse me with efforts and, you know, bad dudes and I I I wasn't one of them. I was like

junk and stupid, you know, were my crimes

and eventually went out to the University of San Diego to college. The only thing that's important about that

is that it was a Jesuit school. I had no idea what the Jesuits were. I had no idea what the Jesuits stood for. As a matter of fact, there's nothing I could have cared less about. It was beautiful, and they invited me there to play soccer, which I would much like. Scott promptly screwed up.

I was assigned a

academic advisor and I say that because it seems like a very generic term. Doesn't I mean, that's pretty harmless. Academic advisor, I didn't see it that way. This ladies job, all she wanted to do is to help me pick the classes that I might graduate College in four years. That's that was all. So to help me do that, I thought she was trying to tell me what to do, trying to tell me what classes to take, trying to hold me down.

And the book talks about this, that you know this. This defiance has almost been one of the defining traits

of the alcoholic. And when I look back through my life, there was lots of wonderful, well meaning people trying to give me a bump in the right direction, trying to steer me, trying to help me. But anyone trying to help me, the way that I perceived it through my lens of alcoholism, if you were trying to help me, you were trying to hurt me. You're trying to hold,

you were trying to tell me how to live my life. Back off. You've had your shot. You know, let me do this deal.

So

I had that I eventually come a quick study of what's going on around me in San Diego and we have small San Diego contingent here. I, I picked up

what was going on out there, at least as I saw it was that stuff mattered. You know, what kind of car you drove, what kind of shoes you were wearing, what kind of clothes you wore, what you did for a living, how, how much scratch you had. And I don't know who told me this. I don't think anyone did. But somewhat deep down inside, I knew that none, no, no woman worthwhile wanted much to do with me unless I could take her out the right way. You know, I was going to have to, you know,

really take you on some nice dates and that was going to take money. And I didn't have any. I was there on scholarships,

so I already, you know, I felt like, you know, an outcast in that sense. There were some other kids that were there on the soccer team that were also their own scholarship. And we sort of bonded because we were the we were the charity cases. These guys were from Tijuana, Mexico. It was 20 minutes away from the from the school. I quickly made friends with them. They had lots of cousins right across the border, like lots of cousins. And these guys knew how to get the green stuff that the rich kids like to smoke.

So. So now I got morning soccer practice.

I got the Jesuit classes that this lady helped me pick out.

I got, you know, this little business thing going on while we're bringing this across and I'm shrink wrapping it and the tiger won't eat. And you guys remember that stuff that commercials a tiger won't eat with a tiger can't smell and it sucks the air out. And, you know, I'm mailing that back east

trying to go to class with two a day. Then I have the evening practice. And then this lady says to me that that's my academic advisor. She said, you know, you really need to have some other stuff on your resume other than being a, you know, a decent student and,

and OK at soccer. In case you haven't heard, there's really not much of like, a soccer career here in the United States. You need some stuff that makes it look like you're altruistic. That's what I think she said. I'm pretty sure it's not what she said, but you guys are big on that word altruistic, you know, and I didn't even know what it meant. What I heard her say was that it makes it look like you care about other people. And I get that. You know, I'm good at looking good on paper. And what do you want me to do? And I'll make it look like I care about you. What do you have in mind, lady? And she said we've had for a long time the idea of getting the office

alcohol drug education started here on the University of San Diego. And we want this office to be, it's going to be a peer counseling program, students helping students with alcohol. Do we want to send you which to get qualified? We won't get you certified as an alcohol and drug counselor. And you're going to be the founder of the Office of Alcohol and Drug Education here at the University of San Diego. And, and I said that sounds great. And

so they, they sent me and I got certified and tell you all about the Gelnet curve. And

I mean, I know more academic crap about the disease of alcoholism than anyone should know. There's nothing in here that you know, says lack of knowledge. That was my dilemma. You know, I knew all about it and was actively dying from it all at the same time.

So now my day is getting really busy. I get up at the morning soccer practice, then I have to Jesuit classes,

then I go to the afternoon practice, do a little bit of drinking, do some shrink wrap and get that stuff off. Now I have office hours from 7:00 to 10:00 PM where I have to counsel folks like you with your pathetic alcohol and drug problems. You know, I'm giving out a, a schedules to you people with the alcohol problems send and other ones to some other programs that they see more appropriate. And you know, by the way, when I get out of here at 10:00, if any of you want to come to my dorm room, you know, I can get you set up with some green stuff.

And then I drink an awful lot to be able to fall asleep because I would have desperately tried to tell you that I have a very busy life. You know, if your life was like my life, you'd have to have a few drinks to fall asleep, too. What I did not know, the other topic here that goes along with eight and nine for May is liberty. Freedom and enjoying life is what's on the schedule. And that's what I want. You know, when I got the A a

look, what's the AAA over the counter sleeping pill that you guys all take? Because without drinking, I could not sleep late for my first three to six months. I'm talking soaking wet pillow wake up my, you know, flipping it over and then it soaks through the other way and you get those yellow stains in the pill. I mean, right through the pillowcase and you got to go to Walmart, get new cheap pillows because you keep ruining pillows. I mean, and I'm like, your lives seem to be getting better. And I'm thinking like, man, I can't even sleep without drinking.

But what I learned is that you all said that through these 12 steps, a clear conscience makes for a soft pillow. And that's why I had, you know, that's why I couldn't sleep. Our book talks about that often. The alcoholic lives a double life. If I had just two lives going on back then, that would have been bonus. I mean, I had so many different things going on at the same time. I was trying to be the Jesuit student, the soccer player, the alcohol counselor, you know, the the marijuana importer. I mean, there, there's a lot of different conflicting things that

lots of alcohol, you know, to help me sleep. This progresses by my senior year at that university, I'd switched over to bringing in the white stuff instead of the green stuff. It was a lot more money just drinking and drinking and drinking to be able to deal with all of this. Finally, halfway through my senior year, I'm I'm just so you know, in my pursuit of the material

I was living in a house is the 1st house I ever owned. It was 423 Nautilus St. in La Jolla, which is one of the most beautiful communities in the world. Third house, up on the right, I was Julia driving a silver convertible BMW that had a number on the back that lets you know that they don't even make this BMW in the United States.

I'd have this big shift here from Europe. That's how important I am. And I was dating the most beautiful girl at that school, or at least that's what you all told me. I don't really know because at that point I date who you all think is the prettiest because that's I'm just that deep, you know, and, and I won't have it. Cereal at about 6:00 in the morning.

Boom, boom, boom, every single door in that house came down and that the house was raided and they put me in this plastic zip ties, you know, like a hog and carried me out of that to the federal penitentiary, the Metropolitan Correction Center in downtown San Diego. This was the first time I'd ever been in a federal penitentiary, The headlines of the San Diego Union Tribune, the Los Angeles Times said. Jesuit student, 27 kilos of cocaine,

the federal sentencing guidelines said. 45 years to life based on my criminal history record and the amount of cocaine

in there.

A lot of awakenings began for me in there because what happens for an alcoholic of my variety, I don't respond real well to what I call near misses. Near misses are like in high school, I drove a CJ7 Jeep, no doors, no roof. We'd put a keg in the back. I'd pile as many friends as I could, and we go out into a field or whatever we were going to drink and have a bonfire coming home. You know, I take the turn a little bit hot coming around the turn, chilling off, driving like a hot dog. The Jeep rolls,

the keg flies out, four or five of my friends fly out. Everybody's banged up and busted up, but basically, OK. You know, I don't walk away from that corner. And there must really be a higher power at work. You know, that was, you know, thank you. God, I walk away. You know what my response is, is you see that, man, I am really a good drunk driver. I mean, that was good stuff right there, you know, and that that's how my apple is my way. I think that I possess certain skills that are, you know, better when drinking. I'm like Mario Andretti. I can be NASCAR roles

away stupid,

but the book tells me that I've lost the ability to differentiate the truth from the false. You know that I'm in. By the time that I realize these things are a problem, I'm often past the point of being able to do anything about it. On human aid

in there. The one thing I noticed, there's a couple thousand men, I think it had

houses of 2600. I was the only guy in there that was guilty. Everybody else was innocent. I know that because it's all they talked about every single day. It was the mechanics fault, you know, for not fixing that. The tail lights. And if the cop hadn't pulled them over for the tail light, that had never found the dope in the trunk. And when I get out of here, I'm going to talk to that mechanic and really straighten him out. And, you know, and if my wife hadn't, you know, lift off and been the way she is, I'd have never had to hit her. And then they'd never come in the house and,

you know, and it was like, looking back, what happened is I was surrounded with so many of me.

That's what God did for me. That was the beginning of the awakening. He surrounded me with me. I bought a eyeball. All these guys

talking like me make it excuses for their behaviors. And what I realized for the very first time that is a big deal for somebody like me, is that I was who I was because of how I lived. And that that's why I was where I was. I was where I was because of who I was, and I was who I was because of how I lived. My tombstone is not going to read Here lies Rich Bruckner. He meant well,

you know. Nobody cares what I meant or intended. I never once set out on a Friday night, took a nice shower,

put on some nice 'cause it said, you know what I'm going to do tonight? I'm going to break my mother's heart to where she can never look me in the eye again and her eyes drop whenever she looks at her only son.

What I'm going to do tonight, I'm going to embarrass my sister to such an extent, My only little sister, three years younger than me that looked up to me when we were growing up, up to about age 13, you know, like I was just her Big Brother. And you know what I'm going to do tonight? I'm going to go out and I'm going to embarrass her so much that she can't speak to me for the next six years.

I never once intended any of that. You know, I always met well when I went out, but that's not that alcohol. You know, plans were for me.

I spent nine months in that penitentiary, you know, surrounded by me,

slowly realizing, you know, this is who you are and what you do and this is where you are,

Uh,

to speed things up. I get out of there after nine months and I and, and I get out of there because it turns out that the day before trial,

the DEA messed up some stuff on an affidavit to get the search warrant. So they didn't have a right to come in the house in the 1st place. And all the evidence was suppressed. And that started a period of my life where I absolutely surrendered to alcohol. And to me, surrender to alcohol means something entirely different than with the first step in the first line of the 12 and 12. You know, who cares to admit complete defeat?

And I wanted to say any, anything I say

is my experience with our program of recovery with these 12 steps and this book, you know, I have nothing to offer anybody here other than my experience with it. If you've done it another way or another take that, that's cool. And if I say something that's any different than anybody sponsored, please listen to your sponsor. You know, I'm just this is 1 knucklehead drunks experience with that program

and but what I have learned is that surrender.

That's what an army does when they're getting beat.

Put up the white flag of surrender and I retreat because I know you got me whooped.

And I come back.

We bring in a new general, I put together a new plan and I'm going to live to fight another day. You know you got me

for that, but we're going to come at this day, another day from another angle. Defeat,

different ball game. The flag is done. I got no more plans. There's no more new generals. There's no more new angles. I mean, I am out of ideas. And to me, that's what our program is for, is for an alcoholic of my type that's come to AA and exercised every possible option in Alcoholics Anonymous other than the one that's written down. That's what I think the 12 steps are. There's a wonderful program of recovery for a person who has exhausted everything you can think of to stop drinking.

And

when I surrender to alcohol, that was when I told you if you'd have met me. And I would often give a bartender $20 tax, sit it on the board. So this is your tip. I'm an alcoholic,

double bourbon and keep them coming. Every time I have to ask you for another one, you lose a dollar tip, you know, I mean. So there was no question in my mind about where I stood in my relationship at that point. And I started moving around the country from to Steamboat, Colorado, from Steamboat to Boulder, from Boulder to Ketchum, Sun Valley, ID, from Idaho to Utah. I couldn't go home. I'd shame my parents and sister. I'd used everyone up. I have one aunt and uncle. They have three daughters that are my God daughters. I would sometimes go home

Thanksgiving and promised those little girls, each of them one at a time, would sit on their you know, they call me Uncle Rich. I'm not I'm not godfather, not that uncle that they'd say Uncle Rich, are you coming for Christmas? And I'd say you bet, Courtney, you bet. What do you want? And she tell me about the new toy that she wanted there. You can I get that on for her? I said you got it, honey,

How about you, Christy? And she'd sit up on you, tell Uncle Rich and, you know, one more year with every intention in the world of being there for those little girls. I couldn't show up for Christmas.

Yeah. And I had nothing to do with not wanting to. There was no place I would have rather been than there with my family and those little girls, you know, delivering on a promise that I had lost the ability

and

I used up. The more you love me, the more I had destroyed the relationship. The book talks, you know, sweet relationships dead, you know, and relationships uprooted. I mean that that's these are pretty severe words, you know, that I've used to describe what I do to a relationship.

Now, uprooting is not like I'm just gonna there's some serious work to be done, but what's up that's been uprooted and

they find a run into also, just to tell you how far I was from being able to differentiate the truth from the false. If I would have run into any of You Beautiful women that are sitting here in a bar along the journey, you know, and, and you would have said, oh, so where are you from? What are you doing? You know, I would have told you that I'm traveling, you know, across the country. Like in my mind, like I was some type of romantic sojourner. And the reality was, you know, I was trying to stay one step ahead of the law because at that point my,

you know, I would stay in Steamboat as long as I could until there was a warrant. And then guys like me, once I hear there's a warrant

I won, you know, I don't face and go through anything because I'm basically a coward. And then I get to the next place and I stay as long as my alcoholism will let me until there's a warrant. And then I run at night. And each time I go, you know, I leave a lot behind.

I end up where eventually after just moving around to where all big shot, you know, tough guy want to be drug dealer types end up. And that's back on my mom's couch in Ocean City, MD. And and that's where my journey to sobriety begins.

I decided to start trying some of this a, a stuff that I've been sending you all through for years. So it wasn't for lack of knowing about it.

And I couldn't even believe that my mother let me return home,

you know, one more time. And I was never, ever, ever going to drink again because this was my one last chance with my mother. And staying at my mom's house. There's only one rule of moms house. She'd stay here as long as you need to, rich, as long as you don't drink. You know, we all know the rule at moms house. That's it

and I couldn't pull it off.

I'll tell you I'm bouncing in and out of a A that lasted 2 1/2 weeks at mom's house before she put me out. She eventually got a restraining order where I wasn't allowed in 100 yards of her the house. My aunt and uncle had one at this point for two years now. They had just gotten it renewed just to keep me away from those little girls so that I would stop hurting them by not showing up and making promises I can't keep.

And it seems like I can't do what you folks are doing. And Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and it's these steps, that inventory we heard about. And that might be good for you. But guys like me, I mean, the first rule in doing what I did for a living is you don't write anything on paper. You know, that's a paper trail. I just got out of the federal penitentiary. I don't want to go back. And you guys are all excited about this inventory stuff, saying things like, oh, it holds the key to the future. You know, that's like, yeah, future. Right. Back to the penitentiary,

and I knew just enough about Alcoholics Anonymous to be really dangerous to myself and anybody that would listen. And there, there was a group of people

that really bothered me in a, a, there were people that were sober and they seemed kind of happy about it, you know, and they're smiling because I, I didn't get that, you know, I could not drink, but, you know, not drinking and being happy. That's, that's weird. I don't get that.

And there was this one woman who who was worse than any of them. Her name was Janine. I hated Janine. Janine was sickening to me. She would come in and out of the meeting. She always had this book in her hand. She was like, at that time she was 23 years sober,

you know, I mean, like, who carries the book at 23 years? So, but haven't you read it? Like what,

really? Every meeting you need to think and she doesn't call response these sponsors, she doesn't call them pigeons, she calls them duckies.

I mean, not as weak, I mean just just really lame. You know, at the duckies is like this string of six girls that have like 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. They each have a book and they come in and out of the meeting, sit back of her like a mother duck in the duckies, and they're getting sober and happy in front of my eyes while I'm dying in Alcoholics and others.

Finally, I do a residential burglary on my mother's house with the restraining order, which tells you about my character. I think tough guys probably do robberies and burglaries on other people. You know I do my mom, because she's not going to hurt me.

I go in

and after going through the door in the restraining order, I'm crawling across her bedroom floor on my stomach. It's 3:00 in the morning. Bill and his story talks about when the morning terror and madness were on. I would steal from my wife slender purse. I know exactly what that meant. It was 3:00 in the morning. I needed more what I needed. I'm crawling on my stomach like a commando crawl. My mom sleep in her bed in her house with the door lock keeps her parts under her bed.

I'm reaching for the purse. Our eyes comes off the side of the bed and she catches me dead on the eyes and says, Rich, take it, would you just take it?

And you can lock me up and you can beat me up. And I will tell you that

we do a lot of things to me. And by this point, the price that I've been paying for alcoholism, you know what was worse with the guys that I was working with in Tijuana? I don't really talk about that much from up here. I will tell you that I've been stabbed in Panama going down here. I have a brand on the back of my shoulder that's an M that that that guys in Mexico kidnapped me and branded me to make sure that I knew who I work for.

But the price was pretty high. You could beat me up. You can lock me up. But Mom,

don't give up. You know what I mean? That was a direct hit somewhere in my heart when my mom had just taken it as far as she could, you know, just take it.

And I'd like to tell you that I didn't take her purse, you know that. But I did.

Some time goes by. I'm 36 days without a drink and Alcoholics Anonymous and try them one more time.

I've had some liver problem. I wasn't supposed to take any Tylenol or anything else for a year. The doctor got had a liver biopsy, so I was having some physical problems with with my body from drinking.

All of these things might have been accrued or the average or temperate drink or maybe the heavy drinker, you know, that might even die a few years before his time. But you know, not even registering to me

that I decide that I was at that place that I've heard described by people this weekend as the jumping off place. I couldn't go one more day without drinking, doing your a, a sobriety and I couldn't do one more day of drinking. I knew couldn't have so much as one more drink. And the only way out, I thought was just to take myself out. And I took every Tylenol that I could get a hold of anything in that medicine cabinet. And, and, and here's what happens as I as I fall down in this crappy place that I'm staying. I fall out in the kitchen,

hit the refrigerator. The refrigerator hits the crappy wall.

The lady that lives next door happens to be homesick from work that day.

She hears the refrigerator fed against the wall. She comes outside, looks through the front door. She sees feet on the ground and cause 911. I wake up back in the same hospital that I've been in three times prior in the same year, the Atlantic General Hospital. I don't know how to

sequence of events lines itself up, but your jobs to look for God while I tell the story. I end up in this hospital. When I come to, I'm in a paper hospital gown, my butts hanging out.

I'm hooked up to all kinds of tubes and stuff. I mean, if you have any dignity left, it's gone in these sexy gowns to put in. And when I come to it, I clear my eyes. You guys could guess who's at the foot of my bed. Janine with the Duckies

and she's there and she's got 40 as girls with her. And Janine did not talk to me that day, but she did talk to the duckies. And what she said was, girls, I want you to take a good look. This is what happens to an alcoholic that refuses to take our steps. Let's go, girl.

They went,

now Bill got the bright light and the clean wind and all of that. This is what happened to me in that hospital bed was the thought went through my head. I told you the level of defiance, anyone trying to help me, I thought was trying to hurt me. And the thought that went through my head was if you ever get out of here, you're going to find one of those guys with that book in their hand and a smile on their face. You're going to ask what they did and do everything they said.

That's as good as it got from me, but it was totally sufficient,

you know, And that started my life of August the 30th of 04 and Alcoholics Anonymous. And I haven't had a drink, a drug or any medication that affects me in any way since that day. And the best part of it is what Scott talked about, is it honest to God has not crossed my mind for a fleeting second. The most I think could talk about drinking is when I'm with you folks in these meetings and the rest of the time is life. And I found that guy and I asked him to be my sponsor, and he started taking me through this book and he did everything that we've heard.