The Kirkridge Group in Delaware Watergap, PA

Hi everybody. My name is Adam. I'm recovered alcoholic.

Thanks, Rob.

I'm sitting there listening to him

and the one thing that kept jumping in my head is a line out of we agnostics. It says when we were faced with alcoholic destruction were posed with the proposition that either God is everything or God is nothing. God either is or he isn't. What is my choice to bake? And

I walked into these rooms and I was down with that gave everything to God and what the problem was. The only thing in my life at that point was booze and drugs, you know, and

I was able to get a little bit better, you know, the alcohol and the drug problem were addressed and I had a, you know, a means to not get loaded on a on a daily basis.

But I was star craving insane, you know, I didn't know how to live. You know, I, I was never one of these people that,

you know, went to work every day and stopped at the bar on the way home and 2:00 rolls around and bars closing at 3:00 rolls around the bars closing, get up the next day, go to work, go to the bar after where I wasn't one of those guys, you know, I picked up a drink

and shortly thereafter moved into the park. You know, that's the way I drank on I,

I got sober at 25 or 24, not quite sure.

But the reason that that was is I was living under a bridge at 19 and

my role models growing up

were meth cooks, Alcoholics, pot growers. You know, I, I was raised in Northern California and I drank what my mom and I smoked pot with my dad. And it was perfectly acceptable to live this way of life. So by the time I hit my high school years, I'm like, I ain't going to school,

you know, I'm, I'm going to go hang out in the park with keg. You know, by the time it was time to get a job, you know, I wasn't about getting a job. I can deal drugs and, you know, live in the park or, you know, eventually I'll get a place, but you know, I'm camping out under the stars. That was my, that was my thoughts. And I had my bed roll and I had my little clothesline set up and I was right next to the Creek and I can wash my clothes and, and I thought, I, I thought I was living large, you know, I'm, I'm enjoying life, you know,

and I'm laughing. I was talking to two friends of mine last night. We're sitting on my back deck and, and they're talking about how, you know, they persist and they strive and they want more. And, you know, and they always had this attitude. And my attitude was when when it when it when I hit an obstacle, I just lowered my expectations.

You know, I'm not about to work for it. You know, I just want, you know, I just want to hang out, you know, my, my, my, my vision of life, you know, the greatest day of the world in, in, in life was to be sitting in an inner tube floating down the river with a keg behind me. You know, that that was that was a beautiful day. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good. But I wanted to do it every day,

you know, so, so you know, fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it,

I, I hit it real hard, real fast and I bottomed out quick and I'll

on I and I and I and I didn't, I didn't miss a beat. You know, I, I, I was homeless. I went to prison. I, you know, I was homeless again. I, I got violated. I'm the way to get the way to get out of trouble was I got a problem. I need to go into treatment. You know, I got AI got a DUYA petty theft and two hot tests and I said I, I need rehab. Didn't necessarily think there was a problem,

but I didn't want to go back to jail.

And somewhere in the middle of all that,

something kind of registered. I remember being being clean in, in, in rehab or it wasn't really rehab, it was Salvation Army, but still same thing. Sort of somewhere in there, about 30 days in or 60 days in or whatever it is, I started to feel good. I started to enjoy being sober. I was getting that kind of glow and that buzz and that real, you know, real good feeling because I started going to meetings. I started to find people. I started to see

that there was a different way of life which I never really knew. You know, I always thought those people who didn't drink were like Mormons or something, you know? No normal person doesn't drink, you know? And I've come to find out that, you know, there's a lot of people out there who don't drink. You know, there's a lot of people out there who drink normally. You know, you don't have to get hammered every time you drink. You know,

I wasn't like that. And and I thought the whole world was like that. You know, they were all like me

and I started to see that there was another way. And

so I started going to meetings and I got really, really into it. And I was really wanting to get sober and, and but I walked into this group that was all about

meeting makers making. Yeah, that was their message. Meeting makers. Make it. Make 90 and 90. You know, get a coffee commitment, get involved, go to the BBQ, go to the diner, go bowling, you know, do all this fellowship stuff, which is really important. But they never did anything beyond that. You know, you were supposed to stay sober for two years before you even attempted to do a four step,

you know, making amends with saying sorry to your family and, and, and that was about it, you know, and, and helping others was driving somebody to a meeting. And

for me,

that fellowship message was nowhere near enough because, you know, I,

I drink and I, I, I, I use other stuff and I'm OK. The noise stops in my head. You take that away from me, I get worse. I don't get better. You know, the noise in my head just gets really, really loud and I can't function. I'm so jammed up in my own stuff and in my own fear, in my own self centeredness

that, you know, you know, the guy in the back of the room who's thinking at me is just, you know, killing me. And the only thing I knew how to do to stop that was to get loaded.

And I went to meetings for three years and couldn't stay clean for more than a week or so.

I think I did two months one time, you know? But again, it was just like, I couldn't seem to grasp it. And it was this old guy out of Bayonne who he used to talk about grabbing drunks off the street and bringing them back to his house and reading the big book to him. And I didn't know what he meant, you know, because I had always read the big book. And it was like this book of stories. And, you know, you're supposed to identify with the stories in the book and then identify with the jaywalker and whatever,

you know. And, you know, I didn't get it, but for some reason, the last time that I came back,

I, I heard his voice in my head and I started to read the book and write in the, the preface of the book, it says that this is the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that clicked for some reason. I had a moment of clarity and it made sense to me that a textbook is something that you, you, you learn, you know, you, you read this and you're going to get, you know, it's, it's like a, it's like a recipe, you know, And I started to read it and I started to take the action in there that it tells me to do. And

you know, I did it all ass backwards and I did it all

for crap because at the time my sponsor didn't believe in doing step work. So I didn't have any guidance, but I was still trying. You know, I, I'm walking around with this little memo notebook with all these names of people. I'm pissed off at them right in my inventory. And and he's like yelling at me, put that away. You're going to drink if you do that. And I was like, but I'm drinking anyway, what's it going to hurt? This is the only thing that I haven't done. You know, I've been here for three years. I've done everything you've told me to do.

This is the only thing that I haven't, I haven't tried,

you know, I wrote this inventory and I, and I, and I shared it with this guy and I went about making these amends, you know, and, and like I said, I, I did the best I could. 90% of it was all bullshit and lies, but it was as honest as I could be at that moment. And, and, and I got some freedom from it. You know, I got a release. I, I stopped thinking about getting, getting drunk and high. It just, it took that away

because of my lack of, well, I don't know if it's because of, or if it's intentional

way or whatever it is, but regardless, because of that lack of guidance through this process, I went through again rather quickly. You know, I, I, I was within a couple months of finishing these amends. I, I found somebody out on Staten Island and he brought me through the book and he explained stuff to me and he, and he, and he, and he gave me some information, you know, and I did it again. And then I did it again and again. And I kept going through, you know, at least once a year I would go through the process of, of

the 12 steps, the way the big book lays it out. And

at some point I remember and Rob brought this up and it really brought back my experience. I had this experience with step six and seven that was just amazing.

My, the guy I was working with at the time had told me to go home and take my quiet hour after my fifth step. And I told him I couldn't. I got, you know, two squalling kids at home and they're screaming and my house is chaos. I probably got a wet one sitting on the couch. You know, I, I just got a crazy home

and all sober crazy, but crazy. And, and he said, well, there's a hunters trail right up the road, you know, So I went for a walk in the woods for an hour and

I came back and I got down on my knees and I, I, I, I, I said my, my, my seven step prayer. And I got in my car and I drove home for an hour and I forgot to turn on the radio

and I didn't realize it because I was quiet. You know, the hamster fell off the wheel for the first time in my life, You know, it, it, it just, I had this piece and it was amazing, you know, and, and, and just like Rob to the noise came back eventually, you know, but it didn't come back as loud and it didn't come back as consistent. You know, every time I do

this spiritual work, I get a little bit

longer periods of time of that, that piece. And the times that I'm psychotic are a lot shorter. You know, I have, I have better control over my emotions. You know, I, I, I, I don't know today when was the last time that I was at, to use a phrase in the book, driven by fear. You know, I've experienced fear. You know that fear of financial insecurity creeps in all the time lately, you know, for the past five years.

But I'm not driven by it.

I don't. My actions aren't defined by this fear that I have. I don't do stuff anymore the way I used to. And that's, that's a really, really amazing thing to me because everything I did for years was driven by that fear,

you know, driven by all that stuff that was going on inside my head, you know, a way to alleviate that uncomfortability. And what I found was that

it's OK to feel that stuff. I'm supposed to feel that stuff. You know, a friend of mine years ago said, you know, at any given moment I fall victim to the delusion that I'm supposed to be happy.

I'm not. I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be sad. I'm supposed to be angry. I'm supposed to be, you know, I don't know, blah. You know, I'm supposed to experience the range of human emotions just like a human being, You know, that, that, that, that need to always be happy. That's the alcoholic in me. That's what I did for years. You know, I, I drank so that I could control the way I felt,

you know, and today I don't have to.

I can experience the range of emotions and it doesn't drive me anymore.

Yeah, I, I, I've got this amazing life today, you know, and, and it's funny too, because

I had stuff, you know, I came in the rooms, I had nothing. I kind of built this business and I, and I got stuff, you know, when I was making money and, you know, we had this in, in our mind, the picture perfect life for us. You know, my, my wife was a housewife. She was going to school. We got kids at home and, and, and you know, and I've got this business and

we're supporting it. We're living good. We're not rich, but we're OK. Then all of a sudden everything goes away. You know, about five years ago and, and now both of us working, we make like a fraction of what we used to make. Just me. And, but you know what, I'm happy today. I'm OK. I don't care about that shit. You know, 'cause I know, I know in my gut

that if I get up and I do my job, everything works out,

everything gets taken care of. It's Rob talked about. It's not my life, You know, my life is not my own. You know, I made a decision to turn my thoughts and my actions, my will and my life over to the care of my God and

on. It's not mine, you know? So whatever God's got in store for me, He's going to give me the tools to work with.

My job is not my employment. That's just something that I do. My job is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people around me. That's that's my job. That's what I wake up in the morning and how do I do my job today? You know,

this, this, I talked a lot about, you know, the going through the 12 steps. It's not so much about going through the 12 steps today. This is I don't even realize I do the work because it's become such a, a normal occurrence in my day. You know, it's what I do. I wake up in the morning and I talk to my creator, you know, so the first thing I do, I don't think about it. And granted, there are days that I don't and I, and I recognize it,

you know, but most of the time I wake up and, and, and I, and I talk to God, you know, I don't have, I don't pray the way I used to as a kid. You know, I, I, I was raised Catholic also. And you know, for me, I found that

there's still the Catholic in me. So I do this whole sitneal stand, sit, meal stand, say the response, you know, nothing's in here. It's all up here. You know, it's all this repetition thing. And, and what I had to do was I had to actually intentionally mix it up, intentionally change stuff so that I couldn't do that ritual, you know, because it needs to be authentic to me. It needs to be real.

I went crazy at about seven years,

you know, doing the steps and I was dotting the eyes and crossing the TS and making everything right. And it's exactly the way it is laid out in the book. And, you know, and if I don't do it just perfect, you know, the, I'm going to burst into flames or something, you know, and, and I, and I and I went nuts, you know, and, you know, people were calling me a step Nazi and whatever. And, you know, and I was, I was, you know, I was this rabid Big Book thumper that would walk into a 12:00 and 12:00 meeting with my big Book under my arm and tell you how you're doing it wrong.

And

that's not being effective. That's not fitting myself to be of maximum service, you know,

and part of the reason for that was this ritual that I had, you know, I had gotten into this very ritualistic type of method of recovery. And

so simple thing I did was I stopped doing my nightly review and I started doing it in the morning, you know, and, you know, and, and somebody said to me, God doesn't give a shit when you talk to him, just that you do, you know, so it doesn't have to be at the certain time of day or, you know, when this is going on. It's just whenever and it it, it's become

very natural. Now, you know, it's become very

almost second nature.

We moved up this way. Excuse me, we moved up this way. I don't know. It's been about four years now. Something like that. It it, it actually feels like always, you know, I, I fitted right in. It was nice. Everybody laughs at me and my friends that come up from Jersey or whatever come to my house and yeah, you belong here. You know, you see the fire pit in the backyard and the, the half built sheds and you know, and all that,

you know, I love it. You know, I really do. You know, I'm definitely a hillbilly at heart.

And you know, I, it was a weird shift, you know, because I didn't know who I was when I came up here. I didn't know who I was supposed to be. I thought there was this role that I was supposed to play, you know, because I was the big book thumper, you know, and in New Jersey, it's awesome them, you know, their big book thumpers. And then there's these

dark tunnel people, you know, and,

and, and when I come up here, I'm like really confused because everybody talks about the steps like, oh hell, you know, you may not do it the same way that I do, but everybody talks about the steps. And I was like, it was really strange. But what it did is it really helped me. It really helped me because it it, it allowed me to be part of the whole rather than somehow separate. You know, I never really got that fellowship thing

when I was in New Jersey because my experience with the fellowship part not working in the beginning. And then the US and them mentality, they, they came later when I found the steps, you know, But then I come up here and, you know, it kind of brought that all three sides of that triangle together for me, you know,

because I found it, you know, when I'm just in the steps, I'm just as crazy as those, those other people that we used to call the dark tunnel people, you know, the ones that are meeting makers make it. And I got to make a meeting every single day or I'm going to drink. You know, I, I was just as crazy as them. And I just wasn't thinking about drinking. I was thinking about being an asshole. Yeah.

And so by by finding a way to integrate myself into all three sides of that triangle

animal, umm, I've become balanced, you know, and Bill Wilson used to use the, the reference of the three legged stool and you take away one of the legs of that stool. What happens? It falls over, you know. But if you're equally planted on top of all three, you know you, you can, you can live and and and be comfortable and and happy and useful.

I

probably the greatest blessing that Alcoholics and Anonymous has given me is the ability to, to, to do 12 step work. You know, I've been really fortunate on, I've never, ever wanted for sponsors. You know, I actually want less sometimes. Yeah. And you know, I, I, it's really amazing 'cause I remember, you know, thinking, oh, this is the new experience. This is that experience they're talking about.

And 12 step and 12 step, you know, this spiritual experience and it was all the way through because the book gives me a God shot, what I like to call a God shot. At the end of every step, you know, you, you take an action, you get a result. You know, the third step says, you know, that, that we, that we have a new employer being all powerful. He does, you know, he provides what we need. That's a promise. You know, that's a spiritual experience as a result of making that decision. The the four step has one, the 5th step has one.

They all have them. And I was thinking that those were the spiritual experiences I was having along the way and they were, they were God shots. But when I sat down and I worked with other people and I seen them wake up,

it's something I can't even describe. You know, it's really amazing to see somebody who's broken,

you know, half dead, just desperately trying to grab onto something and all of a sudden they just get this look in their eye like I got it,

you know, I'm OK, you know, and to see that happen is, is just an amazing thing, you know, and like I said, I've been blessed because I seem to, I don't know, and I attract some of the sickest ones of all, you know, probably because I was, you know, I was that chronic relapser. I was that that gutter drunk, you know, who was in meetings drunk, you know, So one thing I actually got to give credit to my own Home group. They told me don't drink and go to meetings,

but if you do drink, go to a meeting anyway. So I went to meetings for three years drunk, you know, started lots of shit in the room and, you know, made lots of fuss and, you know,

but I never stopped going, you know, and, and, and those are the guys that I tend to come across. You know, I've also been getting a lot of these relationship issues lately. And that's probably because I didn't know how to have a relationship when I came in the room. So I made every mistake in my relationship, you know, along the way and

we fortunately made it through it. I have no idea how

the the last real fight I've had with my wife was probably 10 years ago.

Yeah, we've had disagreements. We've had, you know, minor arguments and whatever, you know, usually about kids or how to pay a bill or something like that. But no real fight. You know, it's been 10 years and

I had no idea how to have a relationship when I walked into a, a, you know, I, I, I dated the same woman over and over and over again. You know, she just had a different name and a different face and we never dated. You know, she moved in or I moved in or, you know, you know, we hooked up and that was it, you know, you know, and, and it was extremely codependent. You know, I didn't, you know, I didn't know how to function in life and they didn't know how to function emotionally. So we fit real well.

Yeah. Because I had no emotions and they had daddy's money, you know. So, you know, we, we had a good symbiotic relationship. But when you put that, those two kind of people together, you know, it, it's just a it's crazy, you know. But today I have an amazing relationship with my wife. My kids want me to come home. And right now my daughter's watching my little ones, you know, she's all she's going to be 18 and

she's been raised in the rooms,

she's been raised around recovery. She's been raised around the 12 steps

and she don't get high. You know, I've yet to meet an 18 year old kid that don't get high or hasn't at least tried to do something. She doesn't, you know, she could do better in school. But you know, she's an art kid, you know, and she's, she's awesome. You know, my 13 year old is, is damn near a genius. And my little guys are savages, but they're wonderful kids.

Yeah, well, they're six and four. They're supposed to be savages,

you know, No shirt, no shoes in the backyard. Yeah, it's all good sometimes. No pants. Yeah. It's a beautiful thing, man. If anybody's, if anybody in here is new, you know, find somebody who's done the steps and give it a shot. It can't hurt, you know? It can only help, you know.

That's all I got. Thanks.