The Saturday Night Live group in Tempe, AZ

What a mess

these churches are. A mess these churches, aren't they? Ben Jesus

just did a gnarly 5th step with that guy today. We won't go and it was boring. Hi family, I'm Samantha. I'm a drug addict.

I want to thank Melissa for asking me to share.

I want to welcome the newcomers and

I want to thank Sarah B and Steve Coronado for having their fucking poker tournament tonight. I thought no one would come, but obviously some people came. Good job Sarah.

I spoke here about

maybe 4 1/2 years ago when I first came out

and I wasn't, I don't recall being nervous at all. I mean, I, I do this, you know, a little bit and I, I always get a little bit nervous.

Now I like tonight,

man. So I Julie said why? And I said because it's family. And she said that makes absolutely no sense.

And she's right. But ego's a precious thing, isn't it? Ego isn't that cute.

Tells me I have some power or some shit.

Strangely enough, controversial as it may sound, is a double Fitzger.

I do have some power.

How long do I talk? God, those fucking chips took forever. They totally cut into my time.

Just kidding. Happy birthday, my little sister Charlotte. Happy birthday, everybody. I can't remember everybody. I tried to pay attention. I was sort of self obsessed and Matt was giving chips and I was like wow, that must be necessary. And

I love that boy.

We have a completely different life than non Alcoholics and drug addicts, don't we? I want to welcome the non Alcoholics in the room. I never call anybody a nor me anymore because I'm convinced they're just all neurotic in a different way.

Any non Alcoholics here?

It's my Al Anon's. Where's your folks? Oh, no, those aren't them. Hi. Welcome, though. Where's your parents? Where's Dana? What's up? Way in the back. Good. Keep your distance. Right,

Sponsee's parents are coming. I was going to say, God, I hope I don't offend you, but I just fuck it, you know,

so we have this really totally different life, you know, like, and if you don't believe me, I mean, just go on a 12 step call, right? Because you go on a 12 step call and the guy's flat on his back. Paramedics are working over him. I'm sure there's some blood spill. Some, I mean, if it's, you know, if he knew what he was doing, you know what I mean? There's some blood spill, probably a broken window, maybe a baby crying in the corner, you know, And the neighbors are just appalled. And we go there and we're like, looks like he's ready, You know what I mean?

I want to say a really quick prayer.

God help me help somebody besides myself. If you want, if you think it'd be a good idea, I frankly think it would be a good idea. But

I'm waiting for the memo. Just waiting for the memo. So couple things. So my sobriety date this time is September 5th, 1995. I have a sponsor. Oh, my sponsor's here. Shit. Wait.

I know.

Now I feel like I can't be a smarty assy. And

Kathleen is my sponsor. She probably would rather not I announce her name. Kathleen Feeney. Yeah, whoop, whoop. She's responsible for everything I do and how I act. Just kidding,

she only got me like a year and a half ago. The damage was already done.

I got a sponsor. I love her. I got a Home group. So Wednesday night women's meeting at 4848.

But I ain't there lately because I'm doing this Co Anon workshop,

which is

it's like golf. You really shouldn't play golf unless you have about 10 years sober. You know, so the Conan where there's a bunch of people in there less time sober. I'm shaking in that cute. God almighty

I paid so much money to feel this way. I used to.

SO

when I was new,

I used to,

I used to go to speaker meetings and I used to sit there and I used to hope for a couple things. I hoped that I would be distracted. I hoped that I would laugh. I hope that I'd be entertained, and I hoped to be honest that

that I would hear the phrase. Like just a phrase that would. I don't know. I mean, move me. For lack of a better word, move me. Bless you. Oh geez, there's kids here. I'm sorry, this is not PG at all.

All right? As long as they're not doing it. My dad said make sure you say shit when you step in it and fuck when you're doing it. Don't call it poo poo when it's shit and don't call it making love when it's fucking. That was my dad, anyway.

My hero. I'm never even to get to any. I don't even know where we're going. I have no idea where we're going. Sorry. Janice. Is this your kid up here? Why do they bring the kids here? God.

Oh, oh, yeah. Child care. No, no longer. OK, Whenever God kicks in, we'll just move on. But so where was I? Help me. Help me.

Oh yeah, different life. No, no, we already come to that. I'm an alcoholic that slams methamphetamine, which makes me a very busy alcoholic that gets nothing done. Go ahead bro.

So you are mean to the ethics?

Can you imagine me on methamphetamine?

We'd be wearing wearing way less. So that's very Jack

have less teeth, less hair. It's it's not a vision for you anyway.

Where was I again? Yeah. So I wanted to get that phrase, that one little phrase. I hated it when they talked about God. Hated it when they talked about God. God, God, God and happy, joyous and free, all that shit. Guess what I'm going to talk about tonight?

I have had a profound alteration in the way I react to life in the last 90 days.

This You know, you can have long term sobriety if you don't drink, you don't die and you can survive this fucking fellowship.

I'm going to tell you that right now because we can be nasty.

Sorry guys. So it's only going to get worse. So

but what I think is going on with me right now is that there's only one problem. It's fear and there's only one answer. It's God. Let's pray. You know what I mean? I mean, that's it. That's that's the end. I would love to think that there's some more creative answer for you, but I don't have one. So here's my story. I started getting loaded when I was nine. I am sure I could have used to drink a lot sooner, just wasn't available, especially like having a Partridge family lunch pail or something. It was hard to score at the liquor store and,

and I was adopted and I was molested and none of those things made me a drug addict. You know what makes me a drug addict? Drugs. You have to do them. And, and as I did drugs, I didn't know that I had this bodily and mentally different thing going on. I didn't know that I had some sort of a sensitivity and allergy, they called it. The allergy produces this phenomenon of craving. It's a phenomenon of craving. Don't try to wrap your head around it. It's a fucking phenomenon. That's why they call it a phenomenon.

The doctors at Harvard can't figure it out.

You go ahead and just breathe it in. It's a phenomenon. It sets off this craving that says, I've had two drinks. Where's the bartender? You know what I mean? It's that thing of I need, I long, I want. There isn't enough. There's never enough. Now, I was feeling that way before I took a drink, OK? And I had tons of evidence, right? Of why I'm not wanted, of why I'm not lovable, of why I'm not OK. And I had all these reasons. I came to this 12 step program,

CA by the way, the most inclusive 12 step program on the planet,

you know what I mean? Welcome. You know, really, it's kind of amazing, you know, it's the program where I can actually say, you know, cocaine is just meth for pussies, you know what I mean? And nobody really throws me out, you know what I mean?

There's a there's a speed freaks.

Well, the cocaine is so impractical, you know what I'm saying? You slam the cocaine and it's like a wah, wah wah, you know, and everything's going down everything else. But there's like, I'm gonna I'm a pincushion, you know, all night long. Methamphetamine when you first started, it's very it's practical. You see, it's cheap. You get some shit done, you know what I mean?

Cocaine, you don't get anything done, you know what I mean? Now, eventually the whole methamphetamine thing turns into the whole schizophrenic thing, which is kind of a bummer, you know? But

in the beginning, it's good,

it's good methamphetamine and tequila gave me the combination that allowed me, you know, a substitute, if you will, a sufficient substitute for life. This cruel joke, you know, that everyone seemed to have the manual to except me. And, you know, and I started getting high in 4th grade and everything pretty much went downhill from there. When I, when I was 17 years old, I got thrown in my first drug rehab. And that's why I learned about this program, hospitals and

whoop, whoop. And I learned that maybe I was sick and not bad. And that gave me some hope because I was definitely, I would call an evil child. You know, I used to obsess about dropping acid in my mom's coffee and just watching her flip out. I fucking hated her. I hated both of those people, called my parents hated them. And I did, you know, and I definitely planned many, many

obsessive crazy things. And I've talked to other 12 year old girls and they just don't think that way. So I don't know. Again, one more thing that sets me apart.

So, you know, But I got the message of my life was pretty much forever changed. And I stayed sober for quite some time. And then I quit going to meetings. Hi, Ash. Hey, where's Gabby? She couldn't make it. Gabby, I'm really bummed you're not here. Let's go to the CD. OK,

I keep wanting to read something to you, but I'm not going to. So where was I?

Jesus, God, I quit going to meetings. Thank you,

Susan. I know so many of you guys in here. God,

I can't even look at you. Most of you. OK, so here's 5 things I hear the most. Any relapsers in here? Relapsers. Raise them high relapsers. The rest of you guys are just original winners, huh?

Pussies, as I like to call you. But

sorry,

I'm just kidding, Wendy.

All right, so five things I hear the most. I quit going to meetings. I didn't do a fourth. I didn't do a fifth, didn't do a 9th, didn't do 12th.

Anybody sitting here with six months a year sober? Work the steps. No sponsees, don't raise your hand. Really, you fucking liar

joke. Anyways, if you are, a shame on you.

Yeah, it's fucked up. It's also kind of sad because that's the dope that is the dope. You know, the first year of, you know, sponsors, the first year, all's we're doing is babysitting. We're just waiting for God to kick in. It's like the dog whisperer. We're like the newcomer whisperer, you know what I mean? It's just the Oh my God, Oh my God. I can't accept my you know, no one looks at my collect phone calls and done it and you're like, you know what I mean?

Wash the cups, you know, OK, I'll wash the cups, you know, And then Oh my God, I gave him with me. You know, my parents want to come see me and I can't get my kids back. You're like,

meet me at the meeting, you know what I mean? Me at the meeting, it's four blocks, you know, And I'm like, yeah, it's four blocks, you know, I don't have a car, you know, Fucking walk. How far do you, how did you walk four blocks for dope? Actually, I came across the country then I think, meet me at the meeting, you know what I mean?

And and then you get him into the meeting, you know, and they're sitting there and, you know, they're, like, listening. And the speaker, you know, makes him laugh. Yeah, Yeah. You know. And you're like, fuck yes, you know, God kicked in. And that's it. I mean, we're just waiting for God to kick in. And meanwhile, we'll tell you to come help us do our laundry, pick up the chairs. You know, I can think of a million different things to just keep you distracted. Just keep you distracted till God kicks in. And when God kicks in,

shit changes.

Higgins

man, I'm telling you

so. Anyway, so I quit going to meetings. I got about 6 1/2 years sober. I'm at a bar with my husband and my girlfriend, both non Alcoholics. Neither would ever see me drink before. And of course, you can tell a non alcoholic you're recovering alcoholic and a drug addict. And they should say stuff like that is terrific. That is so neat. That's really neat. That is good. You must be so proud, you know? And they don't really get it.

And they got it that night. But

so I hadn't been to a meeting about six months, about 6 1/2 years sober. And I just, you know, pick up a half a glass of white Zinfandel just sitting there and Justice drink it down, you know,

and it's kind of quiet like it is right now. And my girlfriend turns to me and she goes, well, good for you. That is great. You show them that's neat, right?

And This is why I speak and I tell this story every single time I speak because this is for me, because I don't ever want to forget that from the bottom of my tummy, a voice clear as day just came through and said, here we go.

And the next thing I remember I was banging on the bar like I want something to help me drink longer, you know, and he's like Ixnay on the ethamphetamine may and I was making a scene. You know, I was making a scene. I'm one of them making a scene. And the next two years I was arrested eleven times and put in five point restraints and had my bottom teeth knocked out because and ended up in Atlanta, GA because I'm an alcoholic that slams methamphetamine. So I'm very busy. I get nothing done and I'm very scandalous in the process, which means I need to move around, you know what I'm saying? And

in August of 1995, after stabbing the man I loved

because he was, I know, leaving with a full jar of peanut butter, which again, baffles me

because I hadn't eaten since 1994. Seriously. So

just had to go. But you know, we had that beautiful relationship of methamphetamine and alcohol and stuff like that where you know, you have a lot, you know, you there's a lot of stuff like sex and stuff like that and then you beat each other up, you know what I mean? So,

so he wasn't a really a hitter. He was a, he was a strangler. So he had strangling down, you know, and,

and everything I walked through, I judge,

you know, everything I walked through, I judge. Because when I was sober for 6 1/2 years, I was working with this woman who had, who was in a really abusive relationship. And, you know, she wouldn't leave and you just leave. And why don't you leave? Just leave. Why don't you leave? You know what I mean? You're giving my gender a bad name, you know, some really nice thing like that. And then as he was strangling me one night and I passed out and I wet my pants and I came back to and the dogs are barking and he's, you know, looking mildly mused. I thought I wish I hadn't said that to her because

I can't leave, you know,

so things just kind of went, you know, downhill from there. And in August of 1995, like I said, you know, I the blood is gushing out of his head, you know, because the head wounds, they're so bad. But really, I mean, he was fine because he's like you fucking cunt and you know, all the stuff that they say. So obviously he was fine, right? And and I don't use that C word very lightly. So I'm just saying. And I thought what happened?

I had 6 1/2 years sober, I was married, I had a beautiful four bedroom home with a pool and a Jacuzzi, and I was kicking ass in a

awesome career as a radio broadcaster. And I,

you know, gush, gush, gush to hear the sirens, woo woo coming. You know, it's like the exit stage left, you know what I mean? Like, we gotta go. And

Long story short, I basically hitched a ride from Atlanta, GA back to California and went into this woman's recovery home. And, you know, I started to work the steps like the drowning sees a life preserver in icy shark infested waters. You know this. What do we have the steps up? Oh, yeah. Where are they? I can't. They're over here, to your left.

This is a recipe that tastes like shit, basically. You know what I mean?

Who cares to admit complete defeat? You know what I mean? Who wants to admit complete defeat? Turn their will and their life over to the care of some God that never did them any favors. Write a list of your gross or handicaps. Share them with some stranger who's going to gossip about you at the next meeting. Surrender your survival skills, right? And then stand in front of the judge and say I did it. Give them back their money,

you know

promptly admit when wrong, not sorry. We don't care that you're sorry. Nobody cares that you're sorry if you're doing an amends and it's I'm sorry, you're not doing it right. Just saying that's not my opinion. Nowhere in the ninth and 10th step does it say apologize. I'm sorry. It says I was wrong. If you don't think there's a difference between I'm sorry and I was wrong, try. I was wrong. They've heard I'm sorry, right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry. I'm sorry, right. I'm from California so it's like

fucking sorry

totally God. Anyway,

they don't want to hear. I'm sorry. They don't give a shit that you're sorry. I was wrong. Now here's the cool thing. I think you can say I was wrong and not even be sorry. I do it all the time.

Ask Matt.

Just kidding.

Anyway, I was wrong. I talked to you like that, you dumb son of a bitch, you know what I mean? But you don't have to say the dumb son of a bitch 'cause then you're back to the immense thing and it's just a nightmare. But I was wrong because there's lots of times I'm not sorry for what I said, but I needed to say it differently, you know, I just had an experience though, a couple weeks ago where I was wrong and I was freaking sorry. And I just did my fifth step with Tabitha, with this Conan stuff,

and I didn't think I'd ever feel the way I felt.

And I didn't cry about Matt. I didn't cry about my mom, but I cried about this person. I cried that I had

hurt. Wow.

Because I want to change. I want to change.

I have been given an enormous amount of spiritual power. And I don't mean that as like an arrogant spiritual guru. No,

come on now. I mean,

I've been given the gift of gab.

I've been given the gift to be a good teacher

and people look up to me and I abused it.

When I did a four step, the step that really raked me over the coals wasn't like the people I'd slept with, and the stuff that really turned my stomach was stuff like this. I scared my mom and dad and I liked it.

I don't.

That's who I was.

This pitch is about what I was like, not what it was like, what I was like, what happened and what I'm like now. And I am messy

and I am emotional and I am passionate and I'm inappropriate and I'm profane

and I am beautiful and I am smart and I am silly and I'm ignorant

and I am many, many things that I didn't know that I was. And if you're new man, I beg of you to try to survive yourself long enough to have this experience

that will blow your fucking mind.

It'll blow your mind.

It won't take overnight.

This is a mind training. This is a fucking mind training class. That's what this is. This ain't self help. We don't do self help. Self's what got you into this fucking mess. We do a mind training and in order to do a mind training, man, I gotta do action that's different 'cause I can't feel my way out of my bad feelings and I can't think my way into loving you more. I do have to act. This is a monkey see monkey do program. This is a wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi, motherfucker,

If you're like me and Sean, you're fucked because you're too smart. You're smart.

Got a couple of you clowns.

I just can't wrap my head around it. I know

it's fucking beyond your pay grade. You get it. It's not for you to understand, it's for you to breathe in. Do you know how many things that happened beyond our understanding that you could explain if you had a different language than just the English language? The English language that gives me the same word to describe how I feel about Donuts is how I feel about my dad. I love Donuts. I love my dad. Seems a little insufficient.

So,

so I get clean and sober man, and I start working these steps and, and the steps really are, you know, here's step one, man, you're fucked next. Let's move on, shall we?

If you're working step one, you're on step one. I got a step one packet. Don't come to me. I mean, I'm just kidding. You can come to me. I'll listen to the packet and then I'll be like, what are we doing? Step one is you're fucked next. That's it. I already assume you've worked step one before. You asked me to be your sponsor. Not going to work a step one with you.

Alcohol and drugs work a step one on you. That's it. Nothing I can do. For if you haven't reached step one, the only thing that will convince you that you're an alcoholic and a drug addict is alcohol and drugs. That's it. You have to do them, which is why sometimes we bury people.

That's beyond my control. I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. Step 2, that's where some of the solution is not for you to understand, just for you to find someone who's doing better than you are. And then step three is just do what they say. You know what I mean? That's that is the basic thing. My sponsor had all her teeth. She was working at better than I was. That was, you know, that was my higher power in the beginning. And then I did what she did,

and that's what I that's, that's it. That's step 1-2 and three. Step three though,

that's the where I live.

Step three is where I live. Step three is where I live. Step 3 is this. Whatever you want God, whatever you want God, whatever you want God, whatever you want God, whatever you want, God, whatever you want God. Step three is the first of the steps that says we got to practice. This is a practice. God's like the GPS man. It's, you know, the best analogy that I have. My GPS is never wrong. And she's very polite. And so I put in where I want to go and she says, please turn left.

And I'm turning left. And then she says, you know, forward, ahead 40 miles. And if we and then turn right and all of a sudden the thought occurs to me, right? It's like in italics. Maybe if I put a little whiskey in the milk on a full stomach, maybe I'd be okay, right.

It's like I'm going to get in the ring with Muhammad Ali and his heyday. I have the everliving shit kicked out of me. Then after they wheel me off, eyeball falling out, everything else like the whole Monty Python, right? I'm not dead yet. I'll fight you with one arm behind my back, blah, blah, blah. Then I recover. I'm like 30, sixty, 90 days into it and all of a sudden I'm thinking I'm going to do one more round with Muhammad Ali. And people are like, hi, Eric. People are like, are you serious? Don't you remember what happened? And I don't say to them, well, actually, for reasons yet obscure, I've lost the

of choice and drink. I cannot recall a sufficient force, the memory of the suffering a whole lot, You know, I don't. I say that I'm just like, have you seen my new boxing shorts? You know what I mean? They're silk.

Makes no sense except to us.

And all the people are like, I'm out of here. I'm not watching you except for a couple untreated al Anons. They're like, I'll be there for you. You know what I mean? You're like, yeah, so you know,

so the GPS system, right? So I'm like, she doesn't know this is wrong. So I end up, of course, strangely enough, in the ditch. Car is totaled, right? I'm weeping bitterly. And she's saying the whole time, please return to the highlighted route. Please return to the highlighted route. You know that bitch Fuck. Please return to the highlight. Let me explain. Wait, I was adopted and I was molested. And she's like, I don't give a shit. Where do you want to go? You know what I mean?

And that's kind of how it is here. Like, we don't really give a shit where you've been. We don't really care what you know to the deepest extent of like what your story is

because your story, at least for me, my story is the thing that I'm in bondage to my core beliefs of who I am. My core beliefs are messing with my life. At 17 years sober, I know I'm wanted. How come I still act like I'm not wanted? What is that about? I'll tell you what it's about. My core beliefs have to get absolutely questioned and here's how I question them. When I do a four step, I do it on people, institutions and principles.

Principles are core beliefs.

I questioned where did I get this belief?

What does it affect? Everything. Just remember it, if it affects yourself esteem, it affects everything. Why? Because if I got a broken self esteem, I got broken ambitions and dreams. If I got broken ambitions and dreams, I can't provide security for myself either either financial or personal. So I got broken security. If I got broken security, what kind of people you think I'm going to try to make friends with Broken. If you think those are broken, who am I getting into bed with? So if a self esteem is affected, just write all 5 fucking things down and we'll work it out, you know what I mean?

That's a four step,

so it's please return to the highlighted route. Where do you want to go? Peace, turn left

and that is it. Returning to the highlighted route. That is God for me. That's Step 3 for me. And you can do it anytime, anytime. Your fear, your insecurity, the restless, irritable, discontented stuff that doesn't have to be stuff anymore that threatens you or makes you feel like you're not working a program. Here's what it can become for you. It can become your natural built in alarm clock that you're off the highlighted route

and it only takes a second

to feel like I'm off the highlighted route.

Check this out man. Everything I do, and I mean everything I do,

is walking towards a drink or away from 1:00.

Everything I do now, I've built up a little bit of insurance, so I could probably pull some scandalous shit. I don't know how scandalous, but I could probably get off the highlighted route for a while and not get loaded. But as we know with time, it's not about getting loaded anymore. It's about surviving my head.

I don't want to survive anymore. I've been surviving caveman shit for a long time. I want to thrive.

I remember the prayer that I said right before I got clean and sober, and here's what it was. Sorry, but this is what it was. Look, motherfucker, if you're not going to let me kill myself, then you help me. Stop wanting to now because I'm not going to do another 40 years like this on this planet where I can't get loaded and I can't get sober.

It's the same thing as please, God help me. It's the same thing, just a little different. You know what I mean?

It's like I'm gonna intimidate God

and God says you're so cute.

You're so cute.

Wipe the drool. Stop throwing the oatmeal. Can't stop throwing the oatmeal. No more oatmeal for you. Here's crackers. You know what I mean? That's how God works with me. 17

So anyway,

how much longer I got? 5 minutes, 10 minutes, something like that. I don't even know where I got clean and sober. I started working, live, I love life, blah, blah, blah. Then I started to hate life and you got to try to keep it together because you know, how do you? And then I started thinking, you know what? I'm the main speaker and I'm not happy, joyous and free. Now how do I get up there and tell them that I'm not happy? Joyce and free. I'll fucking tell you how. I am the main speaker

who is not happy. Not tonight. This is in the past. I'm pretty happy Joyce and free right now, but which is a miracle. What's up CJ go Ireland. So here's the deal.

I wasn't happy Joyce and free. So I was the speaker with 13141516 years sobriety. That wasn't happy Joyce and free. That hadn't gotten loaded.

That's it.

Watch my dad die, help him die. Dignified. Love that guy. Love my mom. Kiss her full lips. Can't even get my lips off her. Before my old man was like, give me a kiss. I want a kiss. And then I run over to my dad and I give him a kiss and like get into his neck and give him the whole I love you, you know? And he's like laughing. My mom's laughing and they're spooning after 60 years and the dogs barking, the cats yelping. And I close the door going, holy fuck,

this is my life. You know, I go back to school at 567 years sober, go to law school, graduate law school, can't pass the fucking bar. That's because they only want competent. They don't really want extremely brilliant. They just want, you know, that's what I say.

I don't know, 3 * 1500 bucks later I'm like, I'm out and start teaching and loving teaching and get married and get divorced and fall off pedestals and you know, have people say what a fucking, you know, horrible woman I am. And I start to believe it and want to kill myself at 7 years and survive myself and God. And I had a little talk

and the message I got was

there's meaning and purpose in the wound.

There's deep meaning and purpose in the muck.

There's deep meaning and purpose in your flaws and in your mistakes. And if you're sitting here tonight with a lot of guilt or a little guilt, a lot of shame, little shame, lot of regret, lot of remorse, I'm just telling you, my experience is that someone is in the oven being cooked for you that needs you. I'm not trying to sound all magical mystery touchy feely. I'm not. I'm not her.

I'm not that woman. I'm not that Speaker. I'm telling you, this is fucking science. This program is not magical and mysterious. Mysterious. This is a fucking recipe for chocolate cake. You got to put chocolate in there. If I write out the recipe for chocolate cake and you call me two days later, you like my cake tastes like shit, I'm going to go. What? Really. Did you do the recipe? Of course. You know the newcomer. Yes, I did the recipe. You know what I mean? Did you do it just like I said? Yes, I did it just like you said. OK, let's go through it. A cup of this teaspoon cup, cup of cocoa. And then of course, in the immortal words of the new,

oh, I was thinking, you know, and no thinking,

there's no thinking and baking. You know what I mean? You don't think wax on, wax off, you know, I mean, and she's like, well, I was thinking that I put carob in there and I'm like, well, that's a fucking carob cake. And then she goes, but why? And I start to have that Al Anon slip. We're like, Oh my God, I have to explain to her all the different scientific properties in Caribbean cocoa. And then I'm like, what the fuck am I talking about? It's a chocolate cake. Gotta put Coco in there. And then she's like, you're mean, you know? Then I'm like, oh, great, you know, she gets a new sponsor, you know, something like that. I don't know.

It's a recipe.

It works for everybody, even for you,

Even for the one that's like, yeah, but no, you too.

Yeah, but I was. Now you two, you two, it works for everybody. It fucking works. If you don't want to get sober, don't do the steps and stay away, far as away from people who've done the steps and that are happy. Because you will get clean and sober and you will have some sort of a spiritual psychic change that gives you a spiritual substitute sufficient for the feeling that you get with drugs and alcohol.

Swear it is a it is a God thing.

Well, what's the God part in the book? All of it.

What's a spiritual portion? All of it. The whole fucking thing

thing. It's a God thing. The whole thing's a God thing. There's only one problem. There's only one character defect. It's fear. You can dress it up however you want to dress it up. And the sloth pride. I don't give a shit. Does it not all lead you back to I long? I want. I'm not OK. I'm not enough. I need her. I need him. It's I need more. Give me one character defect that does not lead you to fear. I've tried

self-centered fear, the chief activator, That's it. You got fear, I got a solution.

You ain't gonna like it 'cause you're gonna, you're not gonna think it's gonna work.

It's such a trip, you know? I pray and then I work actively against the prayer.

I keep praying for problems to be removed that I keep behaving my way into.

Want me to say that again? I keep praying this problem will disappear and then I keep behaving my way back into it. I'm like, what the fuck? You didn't help. He's like, you'd help me out, man. Meet me halfway. Stop fucking him. You know what I mean? Or whatever, you know what I mean.

Or stop eating that, or help me out, you know what I mean? Like God's just begging me to loosen the grip. I don't let go of shit. Let go and let God's a joke. Sorry, I loosen the grip.

I just loosened the grip. How does loosening the grip look like? It's just like, oh fuck it, you know what I mean? She's like the really short version of the third step prayer. Fuck it, you know what I mean. I got to wrap this up.

This stuff,

job or no job, man, wife or no wife, sex or no sex, money or no money,

we simply do not drinking so long as that's like unless, until this whole program so conditional it's for fun and for free bullshit. It is a price paying thing. Everything. You don't get this until you get this. Not until you do this can you have this. Only if you do this can you have this. That's our program,

right? We do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people, places, and things ahead of dependence upon God. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well, regardless of anyone, anything. The only condition. Oh great, the only condition

is that I trust in this God and clean house. It's A2 parter, man.

Let no alcoholic say he can't recover unless he has his family back. It just isn't so, man. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. Remind him, remind him, remind him. Both you and the new guy girl have got to walk. What? How often? Every day? Day by day, every day. It's a vigilance. How often did you want to get high?

Never never mind, right?

If you persist, if fuck another condition,

remarkable things will happen. Not may happen, not might happen, will happen. When I look back, I realize that the things which came to me when I put myself in God's hands,

we're better than anything I could have planned. I follow the dictates of a higher power

and I do presently live in a new and wonderful world no matter what my present circumstances are.

I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a job. I lost my daddy. My dog died. It sounds like a fucking country music song, doesn't it?

I want to say this and wrap it up. It's about 90 days ago. I'm I'm done, done. I'm out,

I'm out. I want out badly, badly, badly, badly. I want out.

It's my life. I get to decide when I want to die. I want to go. I've been a good daughter. I've been the best girlfriend I can be. I've been the best sister I can be. I've been the best sponsor I can be. I've been the best sponsor I can be. Fuck you. I'm out. I want out,

Anna.

I go home to Santa Barbara, where I got sober, and I fall into the arms of my elders, of the ones you know, me without teeth. You know what I'm saying? And they say, do you remember?

Do you remember it 19 days when you crawled up to get that newcomership and we said welcome home?

Welcome home, baby.

Do you remember when you came up to us growling, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that. And Gabe said to you, you're not that scary. Go sit down.

I didn't know whether to, you know, hit him or hug him. You know, I was like, wow, You mean I'm not too much for you? No,

we got big hands. We know you're a handful. We got big hands, baby.

I need you to hold me. I need, and I don't mean like, hold me. Like come up and fucking tell me. Don't do that tonight.

Just tell me

so you get it.

Tell me I don't have to leave.

Tell me I'm not too inappropriate for this program. I might be too inappropriate for you, but you tell me. And you tell the newcomer and the old timer. God, am I an old timer? Fuck what

17? So anyways, I fall on the ends they give me this you got. I know I got to end soon, so you're not you're going to keep coming up. You got to come up. OK, I got to wrap it up. So

this really good friend of mine gives me Clint Hodges

and this old timer and I listen to these CDs and it saved my life, changed my life. And he said this.

He said it's true. I am a drunk and my soul lives in the shadow of my emotions

and yet my life has had its meaning and there have been songs sung for me

and the hand that made the spirits and me and you and

and all that I've ever seen