The Malibu Saturday Night group in Malibu, CA

Hi family, I'm Samantha. I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you, Glenn, Ronnie, Annie, any other ease. Thanks to everybody for having me. Thanks to my folks for coming down, my sponsor and my best friend and

friends and my family and my Dodson and all. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, blah, blah, blah.

It's an honor and privilege. It's great honor and privilege. Love it. Blah blah blah.

Jonathan, great job. What he said. Happy birthday, all you cake whores. I love it. Awesome. Welcome to the new people. Can the new people? People in the 30 days, can you please stand up? Please. Really quick. Come on, we don't have time. Do it. Do it now. One that a girl. Fucking get some balls. Stand up. Stand up and stay up. Just follow some direction for a fucking shake

1C3. What about out there? Give me a hoot. Any newbies out there? There you go.

OK, now sit. How many relapsers? Stand, please, Relaxers, let's go. Stand up. Relaxers. Not raise your hand, you fuckers. Stand up.

Do it. I got a point. That's a girl. Proud. Loud, proud.

So those of you who think that relapse is not a part of recovery, I'm just saying for us, for us, it is

my my sponsor here. So I wasn't going to use any fucking profanity, but obviously

where's Tom with 20 years

was with the 20 bucks, bro.

I'm just saying it ain't my meeting. I'm just kidding.

My sobriety date this time is September 5th, 1995. I have a sponsor, she has a sponsor, she has a sponsor. I did not stand up to take a kick as I am baroque but

but I believe

like 60 bucks driving out here so that's my donation Like I wouldn't have driven this far for a drink. Come on. But anywho,

my Home group in Santa Barbara's off center on Sunday mornings. My Home group in Phoenix, AZ is the 4848 Women Stag 48. That's on the tape, ladies.

What else?

Tired already? I'm scared and tired, sad, afraid.

Let's get out the disclaimers right now before I start going into an area where all the newcomers are like, what the fuck? I don't want anything. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love that recipe right there. That recipe works perfect. It works perfectly. So if you're a relaxer and you're one of those relaxers, like, I don't know what happened, man. I was doing all the deal. I was doing the whole deal. I was going to meetings. I was reading the big book. I was hitting my knees. I was praying, I was having commitments. I had a sponsor. I was working the steps. I was speeding my legs. Like, hey, whoa,

that's not true. I'm just going to say

I could be wrong,

but my experience is and I'll share my experience, which is my opinion, which is based on my experience, which means if you want to go outside afterwards and talk about my opinion, I will win because it's my experience. I got the scar tissue to prove it. So let's just like breathe that in for a second. People come up and just like, why don't they go? I don't think I'm relapse as part of recovery. Shut the fuck up

in a nice way. That's probably what I'll try to say is, well, you know, You know, if I don't really know you, I'll be like, well, OK, but if I know you, you wouldn't even say that. So

I got a bunch of sobriety dates before this September 5th

when I go to 25 after 29. OK, so here's the deal.

This is a recipe that works perfectly.

This is not a program for people who want it.

This is not a program for people who need it.

This is a program for people who do it.

That's it. Sorry.

Here's some more bad news. I'm the demotivational speaker for tonight. Let me just tell you that

this program has nothing to do with drinking. This program has nothing to do with drugs and alcohol.

It's much scarier,

but I digress. Anyways, So what happened? What it was like, so I'm adopted. I'm the only one that was adopted, the youngest of four kids. I don't know. I was touched inappropriately when I shouldn't have been. All that shit that I thought maybe an alcoholic. And I got here and everyone took my story because it's like, oh, you know, I never felt like a long. Aren't you adopted? No. Oh, shit, you know, And then the whole, you know, I was raped 16 times. Oh, shit, I was only raped once. OK, so that card's got to go.

And then I,

my dad, Oh, I was only raped by my Big Brother. I wasn't really rape. It was a game we plot called Slave Girl. It didn't hurt. I don't know. I didn't know.

I'm just saying. Now those of you who are suffering from incest survivor and all that,

listen, I'm just saying

for me,

it's over. It's been over for like 35 years, but

I did the work so that I could realize that I could make a new story because I didn't know that. I didn't know that I could come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I could make a new story. I had no idea. I thought that it was my story. It's my baggage. It's my luggage. It's my who I am. I'll be the hole in the doughnut. What will I be without my story? And

it's old. It's like I'm tired. And I keep living like a victim or living like a victimizer. I keep living that role. I keep choosing those people. I keep spray painting my red flags green. I keep going into that area where it's like, you know,

well, it's the best job ever because it's the most money I've ever made. You know, I just bust out the green spray paint can and go. Because the minute that I shake the guy's hand, my gut's like, whoa, right? But I just go, 'cause that's the most money I've ever made. Or I meet the guy, you know the guy, and it's like he's got issues with his mom or whatever, but I'm going to change him, You know what I mean?

He hasn't met me yet, you know,

and so I just bust out the green spray paint can and I.

But somewhere in the past, I've made decisions based on self, which later put me in a position to be hurt. I stepped on the toes of my fellows and

they retaliated seemingly without provocation.

Anyway,

so I'm an alcoholic not because of how much I drank or whatever, but it's because what it did for me. That's why I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic because most non Alcoholics drink, get drunk,

have a good time, have a bad time, whatever. 99.9% of the time they end up in their own bed and they go to something called a job in the morning.

Quite foreign to me, some even in sobriety. But anyway,

what makes us different? What makes me different is I have a few drinks, could end up in my own bed, could end up in Atlanta, GA. You just don't know. And it's a crapshoot. It's the roll of the dice, it's the roulette. It's, you know, because I have this this dual thing going on, which is I have this obsession of the mind

and then I have this allergy of the body. And the way this allergy seems to manifest itself

is in this thing called a phenomenon of craving, a phenomenon which means you can't understand it. So don't try to fucking understand whoever phenomena understand. Like I read my armor like the doctors can't wrap their arms around. That's why they call it a fucking phenomenon. So just breathe that in. We don't get it.

It's weird, wild, wacky stuff. It's like mystical force that moves one sock from the dryer. That's that. It's just like, what?

That's the allergy, That's the weird wacko thing. That's the thing where I'm sitting at the table and I'm not even drinking, but someone I'm with is drinking and they're they've had like 2 sips in 45 minutes and I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Drink it, drink it, drink it, drink it, drink it. I make my mom, my 80

four year old mom a cocktail every night, right? And for years, years here, she's always had one. She always has Merlot. So you know, and I whatever you always want your alcoholic daughter to make your cocktail. Trust me. But anyway, it's like you want the speed freak to make the coffee at the workplace, you know, I mean, I want to be able to feel like I have to go to the bathroom while I'm smelling it, you know, like I have to run to the bathroom. That's you don't know

speed, then don't worry about it, just roll with it. It should. You should have to really go and.

Am I right?

I'm trying to teach my clean, you know, just. Anyways, so who so, but, but we ran out of Merlot one night a few months back.

So all we have is whiskey in the house, you know, whiskey from like, I don't know, 62 or something. I don't even know how long was in there. But anyway, so I popped for a whiskey, you know, and I, I fill the glass up with ice, fill it to the top with ice, trying to be responsible because I don't want to, you know, I'm the one that's got to pick her up. So I feel then I just go 1234

pretty good, right? So, but sometimes I start talking. That'd be like 1-2. I'll get that. Let me get that. Put that down. Whoa. And then the cat is, you know, and I got it all over my cap the other night was so funny because he was like licking it and I was like, go dude. So that's, you know, people

trying to feed my dog gold Schlager, just they're not into it at all. But so I pour this whiskey and the next morning I said, how was that? She's like, I don't know when I went to go get her wine and she's like, no, I think I'm going to stick with the whiskey because I slept all through the night. I'm like, you go, girl. So now

I just enjoy it. I just, you know, I like the whole, I like watching people drink. So I'm still a celebratory kind of person, you know, because alcohol has never been the problem. Alcohol is not bad. You know, I'm kind of one of those people that like gods and everything or gods and nothing, you know what I mean? That's just me. I think God's in methamphetamine, I think God's, I think God's in everything. It's just where I get involved that we lose the connection. So anyways, that's just me.

Why'd we go there? Don't know. Let's just go for it. OK, so

so I got loaded late in life. I was nine, I was in 4th grade. Like I say, I could have used to drink a lot sooner, but it was hard to score with it. Like a Partridge family lunch pail.

So my first drink came disguise in the form of skunk bud and and and I was at Lisas house and she had older brothers that delve and they loaded up that ball and that beautiful bong and just, you know,

you know, just and then smoke curled up this big gorgeous thing and he cleared that chamber and I was like and I was in and I hadn't even had any And I was in. I was in for the experience and I remember smoking pot that day and falling off their roof and eating a lot of almond milk and candy and I couldn't wait to do it again. And that was my first drink and I I

drugs because that's just, you know, if you're a purist, too bad you fucking missed out so.

Make sure the relapse you try eating. I don't care how old you are

and frankly I think

you can put it in syringe. It deserves to go in your body. That's just me. So

but so I, you know, I honor all the 12 step programs. This is the program that I come to because, you know, I put gin and a syringe that's stuck in my arm. You know what I mean? That's just the way I roll. And so it's like, why why don't you drink it out of a glass? Like was I had a perfectly good syringe. You know, some people just don't understand that, and that's OK,

But that's me. So. So I was nine years old and things pretty much went downhill from there. I was in my first drug rehab at 17 where I got the message of hospitals and institutions, whoop, whoop. And the only thing I remember about that first meeting is that maybe I was sick and not bad.

And for me that was something because I was the child that was evil child. I was a bad seed. I was, you know, the one that would obsess about dropping acid in my moms coffee and just watching her flip out. I mean, that's all. I mean, I had a I had a death

plan. I hate it, my mom and dad. I mean, you feel me, dog? I hated him and

and I hated God. No problem with God knew there was one hated him next And the whole thing about so when I get this program, I sponsor a lot of women that every now and then they make one mistake and one mistake only and they only make it once, which is you know why deserve to be happy. You know, I deserve a good relationship. I deserve a car and I'm like, bitch, you deserve to be locked up for the rest of your life.

I'm just saying

you want to go on justice here. You want what you deserve. Do you want the punishment to match your actions?

Do you?

I want mercy. I'm not into justice. I'd rather have mercy. That's why we say where I'm from. I'm glad I get what I get and not what I deserve. Now I realized that that may sound like some sort of a self defeating low self esteem. That's not what it is. What it is is it keeps me in balance and it keeps me in perspective because I have a horrible disease of a sense of entitlement. I mean, you know, going through that four step was like pulling teeth for my sponsor probably the first time

because when it came to the 4th column, it was just like,

I don't know what to say,

you know? I mean, she's like, well, why don't we start with expectations, you know? And I'm like, expectations. What? I expect brothers not to touch their little sisters on their vagina, She said. Yeah, So what the fuck

I and she said. What's reality?

I was like,

reality is that they do that. So what is your resistance to reality? It's like, oh, let me count the ways, you know what I mean? Methamphetamine, hallucinogenics, whatever, you know? So anyways, the recipe works perfectly. We think it it's best if you're starving because the meal that the recipe produces is rather distasteful.

Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one. Who cares anything about turning their will in their life over the cares of God that never did them any favors? Who wants to write a list of their gross or handicaps and then share some stranger who's just going to talk shit about you at the next meeting?

Character defects? You want my character? Oh, you need my survival skills?

Who wants

stand in front of the judge and say I did it?

Miss paternity, You were just here last month. What are what are you? What are you doing back here? Well, I forgot to tell you that I used my sister's name when the last time I got caught shoplifting it out. There is a warrant out for my sister who's like a born again Christian, which she'll probably flip out if she gets the whole, you know, when she's driving through the Inland Empire to go get apples or something. So I

14 months sober, I thought maybe I should take care of that too. And here's the thing, if you're standing in front of the judge, this, you want to blow his mind, like just shut that guy up because all day long

he's been here and it wasn't me. It wasn't me. It wasn't me. It wasn't me, it wasn't me. And he said, well, what do you think we should do about this maternity? And I looked at him and I said, whatever you think's best, your honor. And he was like, like blew a gasket. He was like, you know what,

thanks Rosie preferred on site probation. You know, when I talked to the probation guy and I got the letters from the people that say I'm not that way and I got a job and all this other blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I go back in front of the judge and the judge like what are we going to do? And the probation officer goes two days probation, $600.00 fine. And he just looks at me and this is like my 4th petty theft. I should go to jail, whatever, whatever should be happening, I don't know. And

he says he looks at me goes, well, there must be some extreme extenuating circumstances. And the probation officer goes there are your honor. And so he goes so ordered. And that was it. Now I'm just saying that you'll, you may also have the experience I had at 16 months over which was I guess being got her going to jail. So don't just think that if you stand in front of the judge, you ain't going to go to jail because Sam says she didn't go to jail. I did go to jail and I got the electronic monitoring thing and it was cool. Was trying to match that with all your outfits and stuff. But anyway,

try to have try to have sex with that. We were like, you know, in your first year, you know, or something and you're just like, I know, you know the guys, you know some guy, whatever you pick up or whatever. I mean, maybe it's just me, but anyway,

it's like, oh, I wish I had shaved and I wish I didn't have this thing on my

now. That's actually what keeps me from having sex. Well, also that really I'm completely shut down and that I think I don't know what year does that hymen grow back? What year does that happen? Because I like to know. I think that that's on its way there

and I'm good with that.

So I'm going to share something with the ladies, some of the guys I got too, but I share this with you guys because this is really going to blow your high.

I'll get that to that later. So anyways, so who wants to stand for the judge giving back their money then? Of course not. You know, 10 is the kicker. Who wants to, you know, make amends, which is not I'm sorry. It's I was wrong. And last year when I came here, I said there's not there's nowhere where it says say you're sorry in the big book in in the ninth step, in the 10th step. I mean, it says in the ninth step, but not in the 10th step. And one of the guys came up to me afterwards like it does say that. And I said, Oh, shit, I was wrong. And then I went and immediately the book, of course, and he was wrong because

doesn't say that in the 10 step, in the 10th step. It's just like I was wrong.

If you don't think there's a difference between I'm sorry and I was wrong, try. I was wrong because they've been here and I'm sorry for years. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Sorry, sorry, sorry

over it. They don't want to hear. I'm sorry Amber again. They want to hear. I was wrong. What can I do to make it right?

And then 11, of course, who cares? Anything about prayer and meditation, which is like for the big kids, you got to have a coach. So you can't, you know, one minute, be quiet,

Yeah. And then the kicker, who can, who wants to sacrifice time and energy carrying the message to some other ungrateful broad? He's not going to stay sober anyway. That's my paraphrasing.

And the 12 and 12 says no. The average alcoholic self sent in the extreme, doesn't care too much for this prospect unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself. I was eight years sobering. I got alive. I thought it said sober

alive, which of course prompts the question, what kind of death are we talking about? You know what I mean? Because if it's quick death, you know, I'd be like death, you know, she's a spiritual life or dying alcoholic death. And only us were like, wait, don't rush me, hang on. Wait, spiritual life, What kind of death? Is it a bloody death? What kind of death? So

the death I'm talking about is like the slow drawn out death. And for me it's icy shark infested waters because for me it's the when I was four years sober, my sponsor said, I want you to pick the most long drawn out way you can think of to die. And I don't know, call me dramatic, but I was thinking I see cold water where your heart slows down, it's harder for you to bleed out, blah, blah, blah. You know, the ships going down and there's this little, you know, tug on my foot where the shark doesn't take my foot, but there's blood go in the water and then there's more sharks

the water and then you're getting pulled the tug and you're completely conscious because you can't bleed out. You can't go unconscious. And so then which says, you know, many of these last gaspers had a hard time, you know, accepting how hopeless they really were. But when they, you know, accepted this and sort of grass seized hold of this A, a principle with all the fervor, passion with which the drowning sees life preservers in icy shark infested waters, they almost invariably got, well, it's like, yeah, no shit.

Now you want to see me swim for the life preserver, I'll be like, fuck you, Glenn. So people like, Oh my God, Sam's your sponsor of God. What a Nazi. What a what a big bug thumper. Like there's some other book I'm supposed to be thumping. But anyway, you know, and and so I just say, look, man, I see shark infested waters. That's just that's my experience because here I am at 17 years old, I get sober for a little bit. I go back out, get sober again at 20, stay sober for 6 1/2 years. And then I quit going to meetings, which is the five most infamous words I hear

lobsters. I hear five things the most. I quit going to meetings. I didn't do a fourth, I didn't do a fifth, I didn't do a 9th, and I didn't do 12. I got six, 6-7 years sober. I got nothing to give. I don't know. That's when my compassion sounds like a loaded shotgun. It's just like, shut the fuck up, you know what I mean?

Because that's the dope. That's the whole dope. That's like the bag. Oh shit, that's like the killer. I don't know, 12 year old Scotch. It's whatever it looks like, that's the thing. And so the first year sobriety, all we're trying to do for the newcomers is like keep them distracted, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't know, clean up the ashtrays, I don't know, clean up the chairs, you know, help me wash my car.

Sobriety, like shut the fuck up.

And all we're doing is like, please God kicking, kick in soon. Please God kick in. Kick in soon. Yeah,

that's what we're doing. We're just babysitting until God kicks in. It's like the dog whisperer, man. Just like, you know what I mean? You watch Cesar Milano. Guy rules. That's a total newcomer whisperer. You know what I mean? You're just like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know, like, what? What? What? What? Go here. Go into a meeting. OK, Go to meeting

what? What comes down with the chairs? With the chairs good to get the chair OK.

Listen, speak, listen to speaker.

How do you feel? Great. I know. Isn't that great? Then two hours later I want to kill myself. I know, I know.

Drink some herbal tea and masturbate. I don't know, You know? Yeah.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow for sure. We loaded. I'll go with you. Don't worry. Just go to sleep. Go to sleep

and then here's what we all loving. All compassionate Samantha does

off button on the phone. Find someone else. Sorry,

you're calling me at four, 4:00 in the morning. You need to be paid. You know what time I say to people, did you pray? Oh, I know it's all going to work out. That's not what I asked you. I asked you, did you pray?

You know, we're really big on that whole spiritual talk and that whole prayer thing, but did you fucking pray?

Try that. I don't know how to pray. Well, that's funny because right here it says praying only for knowledge of his will and the power of a great place to start. Pray only for that. Anything after, only do that. And if they're in the big book and it says only if you do this, will you get that. That means only if you do this will you fucking get that

everyone's like this is for fun and for free. Full fucking shit. This program. You pay, motherfucker, you pay.

Go through the big book and the 12 and 12 and circle anytime it says only until or unless, unless you have this, you can't have this. Until you do this, you can't have this. We can have this provided we do this. It is condition of the wazoo that book.

If you want what we have.

Here's another fucking part are willing to go to any likes to get it. That's a 2 parter.

How many people just skim past the most important word in the promises?

Yeah, your painstaking. What's that? Pain staking or pains taking,

We're going to go

some fucking pain because we've been avoiding it forever.

Get a little passionate about that.

So anywho.

So 6 1/2 years sober, I quit going to meetings. I'm at the bar with my husband, my girlfriend who never seen me drink at the time. It's always classic to be with non Alcoholics and tell them you're a recovering alcoholic because they're like that's terrific. That is so neat. That is really special. You must be really proud.

I totally don't get it. You know, they got it that night.

So they're talking, yakking, whatever, whatever I've been thinking

because a disease rests in your mind, not your feelings. We don't give a how you feel. I know sounds like we do and there's lots of people in here that do. I don't, I don't care how you feel because I know that's not the truth. The truth is, what are you thinking about? And here's the one character defect. I'm just going to cut through all the bullshit here. And if you haven't gotten your 7th step and just close your ears or I don't care what you do. But anyways, there ain't 1600 different character defects. There's one

it's just

it's few

fear of the evil and corona thread. The entire fabric of our existence is shot through with it. It dresses up in all kinds of sweet outfits and the longer you've been sober, the cuter they get. Let me tell you that.

And I never get nailed by one. I like a gangbang by character defects. I'm like cry, fear, luck. You know, it's never just one at a time. You just get boom boom boom.

But it's always fear.

Give me any emotion you have that isn't peace and I'll trace it to fear. Enemy. That's fear. Greed. That's fear. Lust. That's fear. Pride. That's fear. Dishonesty. That's fear. I'm not enough. I'm too much. It'll never. I'll always fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear, fear.

Fear for me comes from being disconnected from you. It comes from being disconnected from my Creator. And my Creator lives in between you and me, in the space in between you and me, in the space in between me and me.

That's where my God is. And if I'm off the rope, I'm off the GPS system. My God is a very polite God, OK? My God is not a Santa Claus God. My God does not do anything.

Sorry that's way too advanced for some people. But anywho we'll just go back to the like basic but God is not something outside of me that lives on throne and blah blah blah. And you hear people tons of years sober say, I don't know why I've been so blessed.

I don't know why I got it and he didn't. It's like, shut the fuck up. Are you kidding me? You got it 'cause you said thank you that day. He didn't 'cause he said no thank you. Very simple. Thank you for the gift. No thank you. You don't get it because of any other reason or what? The whole fucking thing about grace. What's the grace thing about? Isn't that undeserved merit?

You get it because you're a piece of shit. Bring that in. It's beautiful.

The book says all time losers. We're all time losers. What are you the kind of person that gets a few years sober and all of a sudden it's like you got to put this hand sanitizer on all the time and it's just like, bitch, I used to get toilet water, my syringe, and now I have to take vitamins, You know, I mean,

just saying, which I do.

But you see how we can kind of elite it after a while. Who are you?

I mean, alcoholic is not all of who I am,

you know, I'm Samantha

in all of you. What all of it is.

And I'm a mess and I'm scared and I'm grateful and I'm beautiful and I'm ugly and I'm fat and I'm thin and I'm whatever of all of that. And I'm a good daughter and I'm a bad daughter. I'm a great sponsor. I'm a terrible sponsor. I'm a great speaker and I'm a fox speaker. I do everything wrong and I do everything right. Who are you? What lies are you believing about yourself today?

Isn't it all?

Aren't you tired of that shit? It's runs through your mind and tells you you're not enough,

man. It gets old and you know what? It gets in the way.

So the prayer is the seven step prayer. The prayer doesn't say remove my character defects. The prayer says take all of me. Just take all of me, good and bad. I don't even know what you should take. I might need that pride. Maybe I don't want that bitch to have more time sober than me. I don't know. I don't know what I need. You know what I mean? So I'm at the bar

and all of a sudden the thought occurred to me. Maybe if I put a little whiskey in them and I'll got a full stomach bottle on the block, right?

The thought occurred to me, I think. I think it was a phase because I was really young,

so I had to have a glass of wise infidel.

It was silent just like that, the table and then my girlfriend reaches over and goes, well, good for you. That's terrific. You showed me

now This is why I speak anytime my mouth to speak because this is the story I need to hear that from the deepest part of my tummy. I heard a voice clear as day that said here we go.

And the next two years I was arrested eleven times, but in five point restraints, had my bottom teeth knocked out and ended up in Atlanta, GA because I'm an alcoholic who slams methamphetamine, which makes me very busy alcoholic that gets nothing done

and

scandalous in the process.

And so in August of 1995, after stabbing the man I loved because he was leaving with a full jar peanut butter, I know that doesn't make sense now and didn't really make that much sense. I hadn't eaten since 1994. But anyway,

he had a

strangling thing he had for me. And yeah, and I had always really judged women that were in abusive relationships because I was like, just get out. What's the problem with you? You give my gender a bad name. Just get out. Just leave. You just leave. You just leave. And I was thinking about that as he was strangling me. I'm like, And I went unconscious and wet my pants and

came back when he had this amused look on his face, sort of.

And I thought, God, I wish I hadn't said that to Michelle because now I know why she can't leave. So the lesson was very clear that everything I judge, I walk through.

And I have had that lesson in sobriety over and over and over. And I'm a little more careful when I talk about who's getting divorced and who's fucking a newcomer and who's taking antidepressants and who's this and who's that? Because I'm thinking, you know what? I really don't have enough information to judge that.

I really don't,

they said. None of your fucking business.

If I come up here and I talk about it in the podium, I just made it all your fucking business or shut the fuck up. If you're talking about that stuff.

We share a general way

kooky people in these fucking rooms. You don't have these rooms. Probably. You ain't even alcoholic. I'm just saying there's a shit load of people that come into this program. You know why? Because the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. It takes a shit load more than that to stay.

So I started working my steps man, and I stabbed that guy and whatever, you know, the the awakening, which was like, OK, what just happened here? I had 6 1/2 years sober and now there's blood all over This guy's head is gushing out. He's on the phone talking to the cops. So obviously he's fine, but but as a head looks so it looks so bad, like

good stress because I got the cops good, good, good.

Like are you hurt or not? You know, I mean it looks bad, but you're still talking shit. So obviously I didn't go deep enough.

So there I am in Atlanta, GA, running down Jimmy Carter Blvd. You know,

anyways, I get to Santa Barbara, Whole point is walking up the stairs. Santa Barbara. Hi. Hi. Hi,

my sobriety started Costa Serena and that's all there is to and I work those steps like my life depending on here's the first step. The first step is you're fucked. Let's move on.

Let's just keep it simple, people that are working. I'm working my first step. I'm on my first step. I read the first step. I'm doing my first step. What's to do?

I mean, when the Alzheimer's wrote this book, we assumed he'd taken the first step before you got here. We're kind of like the all time losers club. What are you doing here if you're not powerless? So lack of power by dilemma. I got to get some power. So I'm that's all step one is. You're doomed. Next Step 2. There's some hope in Step 2.

Step 2 is find someone who's doing better than you are. And my sponsor had all her teeth, so that was in right there. She was doing better than I was. Step three is do what they say. Step three is where I Live Today all the time. Step three is where I live. Step three is the realignment step. Step three is the practice, the practice, the practice, the practice, the practice, the practice, the practice. Whatever you want God, whatever you want God, whatever you want God, whatever you want God. I have to do a sufficient Step 3. The entire rest of the program depends that I do that

and step four Step 4 is nothing really. Step 4 is just like bitch wine, bitch wine. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. She didn't hug me. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. It affects everything and here's the deal. It affects myself esteem. I have a broken self esteem. It affects myself esteem, right? If it affects myself esteem, what kind of security do you think I'm going to have an ambitions? What kind of ambitions am I going to have with a broken self esteem, broken ambitions? What kind of security am I going to be able to provide myself if I have broken ambitions, broken security, broken pocketbook. If you think that's broken, what kind of people am I going to start?

What kind of personal relationships am I going to have broken? If those are broken, who do you think I'm getting into bed with? Broken? Need I say more? Boom. Just write all five down and move the fuck on. Your sponsor will help you work out the rest of that.

The sex inventory is whom did I hurt? What kind of harm are we talking about? Read is in the 12 and 12 about step 8. What kind of harm are we talking about? We're talking about instincts. God-given instincts that somehow got colluded. They're in collision.

All of a sudden the need to take care of myself, which is a God-given instinct, starts to become an obsession, a total fear based, you know, dilemma. And I'll tell you this right now, if you're trying to have an intimate relationship, you cannot protect yourself and be intimate at the same time. Breathe that fucking thing in.

You can't do it.

You can't do it

at 9:00 and 10:00 as we went through all those things and 12 is the dope. Like I said, here's the whole thing about my sobriety. My sobriety has been a constant rededication, a constant doing it wrong and coming back, a constant wanting to die. And I'm glad I didn't do it constantly going, God, I'm so grateful I didn't kill myself. And that's what I'll think every single time anyone comes up to me tonight and says thank you. I'll

think you're welcome because I learned how to say thank you. And you're welcome not. No problem. No worries, no big deal.

You're fucking welcome. You're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome.

It's an honoring and exchange of intimacy, of connection. That's where my God is. And three years ago, I left my job and everything I was doing to go take care of my mom and dad, who are my heroes who are 25 years in Families Anonymous. Who are these black belt Al Anons to the bone? Yay. Al Anon saved my life. My dad,

who is my hero would come to the door when I wanted to come for like AI got to wrap this up for a shower or something to eat or whatever. I've been running the streets and he would come and he would just walk to the front door in his bathroom and hold up an empty urine sample cup.

And I see he'd say, get the hell out of here. And I know he would get into bed with my mom and they would hold each other and he would cry and she would cry. But they had learned what it means to give their daughter the dignity to live or to die. That it was my life,

but it was mine and my creators and that creator and I have had some fucking talks. I'd like to say that my surrender prayer was, please God, heal me. My surrender prayer in August of 1995 was, look motherfucker, if you're not going to let me die, then you help me. Stop wanting to now because I got another 40 years on this fucking planet and I'm not doing it like this.

And the obsession was gone. Like I don't know if I scared God. I don't know. I scared me

and he was like all right little shit head and I love so much. Boom. How's that? Get sober and go fucking save some lives

because that's what your job is now. And that's why lots of us go out, because we can't stand the idea that we are truly divine, that we are truly saved for a way bigger purpose than what we think it is. And then I can hope you can stay on this planet and survive yourself long enough to find that out.

And 90 days ago, right around now, man, I went to my daddy who's had dementia for the last 11 years, man, The whole week before he died, I was just like, you can't go,

can't go, I'm not ready, you can't go. And he was wanted to go. He still wanted to go. And the day before he died, I had some gnarly dreams that I won't get into. But basically I just went in the bedroom. I laid on the bed. I, I looked into my, held his face in my hands and I said,