The 51st Annual Kawartha Conference in Peterborough, Ontario, Canada

I would like to introduce our speaker from British Columbia, Jerry.

Evening friends, and we're very grateful. Recovered alcoholic. My name is Jerry Wilson.

It's nice to be standing behind one of these with a suit on and not having to enter in a plea.

I'd like to thank the committee for inviting me out here. About 3 months ago, Sandra called me and asked if I was willing to come out and speak and, and my first inclination was to say no because I always want to say no. Because who really wants to travel across Canada, share in front of the most selfish, self-centered, judgmental people in the entire world?

You either need a lot of vodka, a lot of God. And today I brought God with me. You know, in that moment of silence, they asked Lois Wilson what she used to do during the moment of silence. She said I invite God into the rooms

and that's what I've learned to do in alcohol. Astonished because I believe I don't. It's not that I don't believe that God isn't here because God is here. And I believe this is a celebration where we really come to see the power of God working in peoples lives. But I believe God's a gentleman and he doesn't go where he is and welcome. He doesn't stay where he where he doesn't want to be anymore. So I believe that, you know, I've invited God to demonstrate through me what he can do. So if you don't like this talk, you know who to blame.

You know

by the power and grace of a loving God who I gained access through you people to fellowship, good sponsorship and the clear cut instructions given the recovery portion of this book, Alcoholics Anonymous have not had a drink since June 2nd, 2008. For that I'm eternally grateful. So I may be your youngest speaker that you've ever had here, but you know, my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous is second to none. You know, I have a God that is absolutely madly crazy in love with me and I have no idea why

because I didn't do anything for it. And that's what God's grace is.

It's this unearned, undeserved gift. If I got what I deserved, you would have another speaker in front of you here tonight because I'd probably be locked up for the rest of my life or dead. And Alcoholics Anonymous gave me a way out. I came in via a treatment center through recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous did not get me sober. I came to my first meeting. I was six days sober. And, and you know, when they talk about how we share an Alcoholics Anonymous and sometimes you hear and, and how it works, it says our, our stories are what it was like what happened and what we're like now.

And that's a really great way to do this. And it says our tails before and afterwards. And that's a great way. And the best instruction I ever found found on how to share an Alcoholics Anonymous was on page 29 of the big book. And it's at each individual in their personal story describes in his own language, from his own point of view, the way he established his relationship with God. And that must be what my job here is an Alcoholic Anonymous to talk about how I built this relationship with the power greater than myself, because without that I would, I would have nothing. And, and I came in to Alcoholics Anonymous and,

you know, I loved it when I first got here. People were laughing and jingling change in their pocket. And some of you look like you're getting laid on a regular basis. And, and that was real appealing stuff to me. Well, when you come out from an alley, it's only up. It's everything looks good from there. You know, it's not that I didn't want a girlfriend. It's just a little hard when you're homeless. Not much of A dating scene out there. And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and

you know, my last drunk was June 2nd, 2008. And I was in an alley in the Downtown East side of Vancouver.

And I was having a beer with a friend of mine or an acquaintance of mine. And I looked across the alley that that I was sitting in. There was some guy picking around the garbage and wobbling and he was looked like he was all messed up. And I said if I'm not careful, I'm going to end up like that guy. And a moment of clarity hit me and I said, wait a minute. You're in the same alley.

You're doing the same thing. You already are that guy. And I gave my last seven beer away and I walked down the street in a bright, sunny afternoon. And I had no idea what I was about to do. And I started walking down one of our streets, Cordova St. I walked by this place called the Union Gospel Mission, and there was a bunch of people lined up in on the side. They were going into the building and I guess they're going to get something to eat. And one of the staff members I was walking by, he said, are you hungry?

And I thought, wow, I can't even remember the last time I ate. I said, yes, I am hungry. And he says, welcome on in and have some food.

And I thought, how great is this? They brought me into a Chapel and I went, oh, I've just been duped. You know, I don't want to be in a Chapel. I don't need you preaching at me. And then this Chapel during the service, before we got our food, they had mentioned that they had a, a, a hostel there and I was staying at one that was called a crackheads or curfews. Crackheads with curfews was what we call this place. And I thought maybe if I stare at stay at this other place, I can, I can dry out for a couple of days and, and go back to work and, and feel better. And,

and so I decided to stay at this hostel for the night and I began the process of detoxing on a Chapel floor.

And during that night, they went around and they did a nightly devotion. And during this devotion, they had mentioned that they had a treatment center there. And I'd never heard of treatment center. I'd never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or any of the other fellowships out there. And, and the next morning I woke up or came to and I looked at the guy and he said, what's this deal about a treatment center you have here? And this guy turned around and he ran from me and I thought, wow, they're really helpful here.

And he comes back about a minute later with an application form. And I said, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not one of them. Can't you tell? I have a job? I've got, I've got clean clothes on and you know, I'm not one of them. He said, well, just look it over.

And so I, so I took it and I put it in my pocket and I walked across streets, the place called the gathering place and, and it's where you go and have coffee and Donuts and, and I went in there and I pulled out this forum and I started to try to read it and words started jumping around on the page and I crumpled it up into a ball and I threw it my backpack and I had my half a cup of coffee because I had to shake so bad. And during that thing there, one of the staff members came up to me and said, can you do us a favor? And I thought, well, sure, I can do you a favor. And they said, when everybody leaves here, can you stay behind and help us clean up? And I said,

that won't be a problem. And now we're wet buying. And they started filing people out. And the guy came up with that. I walked out to the guy and he said, where's a broom? And he said, let's not worry about that broom. Let's see that little piece of paper you had. And I thought I've just been duped again.

And he started asking me some questions about drugs and alcohol and I said I don't have a problem. I have a full time job. I'm just, I'm just in between places right now. And, you know, I've been in between places for about a year and a half,

and

within about 15 minutes, I'm talking to a counselor and his counselors asking all these questions, and I can't answer them. You know, he says things to me like, do you ever drink alone? And I said, well, when I'm buying yes, When you're buying no.

And he asked me all these other questions that really had nothing to do with alcoholism. But what he did is he said, can you stay sober for three days because you have to have 72 hours before you come into this treatment center? And I said sure, no problem.

And in hindsight, it had been over 15 years since I put 3 days of sobriety together and I began the process of detox and I and I went through convulsions and I was, I was psychotic and I don't use that term loosely. I mean, I was seeing shadows and hearing voices and, and it was a very rough detox. And on the, on the third day, I got admitted to this treatment center and I went in and they said, well, here was a 12 step program. So you do the steps here. And they gave me a big book and they gave me a questionnaire about 200 questions on powerlessness of alcohol.

And I took it. And, you know, I spent a couple days around the treatment center and they took me to my very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And like I said, I immediately fell in love with the fellowship. When I got here, I thought people were just fantastic. And Alcoholics Anonymous, I remember walking into a, a, a room and it reminded me of a line in the big book. It says we're people who would not normally mix. And I remember walking into the Atlanta club in downtown Vancouver and seeing this old lady, little old lady with Gray hair, this East Indian fellow with the turban and another guy with a Mohawk and all kinds of metal and stuff and his nose. And they're standing there having

together, laughing. And I thought, this is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

We are a people who would normally not mix. There's probably none of you in here that would drink with me. I would drink with you. If you're buying and driving, I would make an exception for that.

And in this treatment center, I, I decided to, to say, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this thing then. And I started to read the big book. And if you've never read the big book before for the first time, it kind of reads like hieroglyphics. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And I'm going through and I'm answering all the questions and I'm taking it like a school test because I was very academic and I did very well in school. And I'm well read and I'm answering the questions. And I finished a step one and I go and hand it to him and he leaves through it in about 30 seconds and goes, here's step 1B, another 75 questions. And I'm like, Oh my God.

And so during this time, I'm going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got nothing better to do. So I'm doing 234 in Vancouver. We had the privilege where you can do up to six meetings in a day. And I've done that on a number of occasions in my early sobriety and and

I'm about 30 days sober

and things are getting worse. I'm not feeling like other people are feeling when they stop drinking.

I'm not, I'm full of fear, I'm full of anger, I have anxiety. I'm, I'm so wound up about this whole deal. And, and what happened was, is I, I quickly fell out of love with the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and at about 43 days sober from this treatment center, well before that, I've done what every good alcoholic does when they first get sober. I did my back taxes. So I got about a $4000 check from from Revenue Canada

and I'm in a treatment center

and I want to drink and I tell my roommate I start packing my stuff. He said what do you do? And I said, I hate sobriety.

I hate the way I feel, I'm going to go get drunk. And he begged me. He said, please just stay for one more day.

Just stay one more day and something will happen. Something will change. And I said, OK, I'll stay for one more day. And I end up going to a meeting that night. And as I was leaving this meeting, this white van pulled up beside me. And it had hope written on the side of it. And I'd seen it at the treatment center was part of a mobile mission that they they that did. And the guy opened the door and he said, get in. And I jumped in the van with him and he looked at me and he said, are you done?

And I look back at him and I lied.

I said, yeah, I'm done. And he never said another word to me. He drove me back to that treatment center. And the next morning, I woke up and I started to pack my things. And my roommates said, please don't do this, Just stay one more day. Says, tell you what, if nothing happens, I'll even go out with you. And I said, OK, I got you then I'll stay for one more night. I'll stay for one more day. I'll try this thing one more time. And I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at night. And as I was leaving that meeting, this white van pulled up again.

They had hope written on the side of it and the guy said get in the van.

I jumped in the van. He looked at me and he said are you done? And I said, what is this, Groundhog Day? Did we do this yesterday?

And he said, tell me what's been going on for you? And I said, well, I've been to about 100 meetings in the last 45 days.

I've done this treatment center steps 123. And I feel like drinking. I'm so angry. I'm so

just out of it, but I can't cope with the way I feel. And I know alcohol works. And he says and I, and I told him, I said I met a lot of really cool people here and Alcoholics Anonymous and you know, it was fun for what it lasted for the 1st 30 days, but I'm done. And he's looked at me and he said, sounds to me like you don't need to meet any more people. Sounds to me like you need to meet God. And if you want, I can show you how to do that. And for no better reason than shutting this guy up. I said sure, OK. And he looked at me and he said I'm your sponsor, whether you like it or not.

And I said, what's your name?

And he said, my name's Arnold Molasses. I'm recovered alcoholic. And on Monday afternoon, I'll see you with your big book in the classroom upstairs. And I had a little bit of hope because somebody had reached out, because I'd spent all these times in meetings and I seen all the clicks that were happening in meetings and I couldn't be part of that. See, today I create that. I create the fellowship that I crave. And I, and, and if you, if you want to make a friend, an Alcoholics Anonymous, take them through the steps. And that's what I've learned to do. And we got into this room, about seven of us, seven of us guys. And, and he, he told

story and I can identify with a bunch of it, you know, especially the drinking parts of it. The scenery was all different, but I could this guy spoke about his feelings with such dignity that I, that I, I fell in love with them. And he went around the room and he asked everybody. He said, why are you here? And the first guy said, I'm here for my job. My work sent me here. He said, OK, good, good. And he went to the next person. He said, why are you here? He said, all for my family. My wife is going to leave me if I don't get sober. And he said, OK, fair enough. And he came to me. He said, Jerry, why are you here?

I looked at him. I said I want to learn to live sober. And he said, I like that. And he walked up to a whiteboard and he wrote learn to live sober on the whiteboard. Then he erased learned too,

and all it said was live sober. And he said how about we do this together? And he started taking me through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and he started to read the big book and explain what it meant and had experiences with it. I remember he's reading the big book and I'm looking down at mine. I'm looking up at his and down at mine. I'm thinking, holy crap, this guy's got the teachers edition

because it was making sense and it made no sense to me before. But what he had was an experience with it that he was sharing. And I finally learned what it was to be alcoholic because for the last 45 days I've been going to meetings and introducing myself as an alcoholic because while I didn't want to be the only person in the place that wasn't, I knew my butt was on fire because of alcohol, but I didn't know the exact symptoms. And he explained to me the first part of it. He qualified me. He said do you ever drink more than you intend to drink?

And I said all the time, all the time.

You know, I, I, I'd say things like, I'm just going to go to the pub with my, with my work buddies and have a couple and I would leave at 1:00. While that's because when they kick you out, the lights came on. And he explained to me, he said this is called the physical phenomenon of craving. And it only happens in an alcoholic. Non Alcoholics don't feel this. And all that says is that once I ingest alcohol into my system, my body says I want more

and I don't and I can't control the amount I take. And I, and I went, wow, I've been doing this for years.

For years I've been trying to regulate my drinking and control it. And now I understand that I have this disease and it's nothing morally that I've done wrong.

It's not that I'm not smart enough. It's simple fact that my body reacts differently to alcohol. See, I remember my first wife. Wow. There's a lot of information in that sense.

She used to say crazy things when we were drinking. She used to say things like I'm too drunk and I'm like, well, you can't be. If you can say it, it's obviously not true.

But you see her reaction to alcohol was much different than mine. She started to feel like she was losing control when she started to drink

and she would be on her second glass of wine and she'd push it across the table and say what is there something wrong with it? I'll call the waiter over. She says no, no, no. I'm starting to feel it. And I said, so am I?

Because if you're not going to drink that, then I am. I just want you to be clear on that. She says no, no, you know, she was a normal drinker. God forgive her. She seems to have been born that way,

and if drinking was the only problem that we had enough, drinking alcohol was the only problem we had in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's a simple solution to that. Nancy Reagan's Just Say No campaign in the 80s would have worked for us. What do you mean I could have said no. Nobody told me that

she had said no many times and succumbed to the drink again. Over and over and over and over and over and over

because the real problem centers in my mind. And that's the part that really started to make sense to about Alcoholics and onto me. And he says you suffer from an obsession. He asked me. He said, do you ever have a really, really good reason not to drink and found yourself drunk? And I said all the time for my kids birthdays, for Christmases, for anniversaries, I would always be, you know, I would go to a wedding and there would be two other Alcoholics there. And guess who I'd socialize with the two other Alcoholics. And I never meet another person in the place

because I'm a drinker. And when I start to drink, the phenomenon of craving kicks in and I drink with a sense of urgency,

like I'm about to arrive at the next drink. Like, tada, here I am and everything's all perfect. And I've just reached this perfect drunk. And what always happens is I overshoot the mark. You know, I like the effect produced by alcohol. That's why I drink. And maybe some of you can relate to some of the reasons why why I drank. You give me two tequilas and all sudden I get taller. Anybody get taller when they drink?

He gave me 4 tequilas and I'm funny, you know, I cracked me up. You give me you give me 6 tequilas and I'm an expert on many subjects. I become brilliant. He gave me 8 tequilas and I love everybody.

And the best thing that happened most of all was that feeling that I had when I first got there, that these people I was around that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, tall enough, good looking enough. You give me 10 tequilas and all of a sudden I start thinking you guys are pretty lucky to have me here.

And what I've just described to you is called an entire psychic change. And Doctor Silkworth recommends having one without booze, See, because what I really suffer from is a spiritual malady and it's something that's not discussed in the rooms of Alcoholics

quite enough. You know, if just not drinking and going to meetings would work, all of us would have been sober a long time ago. I can tell you that not drinking and going to meetings will work right up until the time you drink again. If you're alcoholic, if you're not alcoholic, you can do anything you want. I don't even know why you'd be on a bee here. I know if I was an alcoholic is certainly where I wouldn't want to spend my Saturday night. You know, if you told me four years ago that you'd be traveling across Canada to speak to a group of people about finding a power greater than yourself, I'd have said you're crazy.

And what happened was, is through the through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I met this power. You know, when I realized why I needed a spiritual experience, because what I suffer from is spiritually. See, when I'm not drinking is the problem. I suffer from alcoholism. The disease begins when the bottle ends and it's after I'm drinking is how I feel. And when I'm not drinking, I'm restless, I'm irritable, and I'm discontent.

And the number one symptom of untreated alcoholism is depression. And sometimes the depression will be so low line that it almost felt like boredom.

But these are the things. And there's only two things in the world that'll fix that. One is 1/5 of Jack Daniels, or two, a spiritual experience. And that was the whole idea about what the second step was to me. And when my sponsor started taking me through the chapter, we agnostics actually before that first we read the 12 steps and it says we admitted we're powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. That's the first step,

and that's what it says on a board

and that's what it says on page 59 of the Big Book. But on page or in the Big Book, it talks about

until I fully conceded to my innermost self that I was alcoholic, nothing could be accomplished. And there's a big difference from conceding it to your innermost self to admitting that I have a problem. And in my heart of hearts, I knew. And my bottom was when I did step one, that was my absolute bottom because I realized I had this failing progressive illness, you know, and

he sold me on an idea and it was a crazy idea. He said maybe there's a God out there that could solve your problem.

And I was agnostic mostly at the time, somewhat a little bit of an atheist. I had no need or no want for God. You know, my parents were taken from me at a very young age, and I thought there was a God. He's a pretty cruel 1. So I just kind of abandoned the whole idea. And he said, well, you got to believe in something. And I said, well, I don't, you know. And he said, well, you know what the beautiful thing is? You don't have to believe in a God to do it. You don't have to believe in a power greater than yourself to do the steps. And we went through the second step and I'm arguing with him through the whole

We agnostics chapter and I'm like God this and God that and blah blah blah. And and finally looks up and he says, Jerry

and I said what he said. You're madder to God you don't believe in.

I'll get back to you on that one.

And he sold me on this crazy idea that lack of power was my dilemma, that I lacked the power to control the amount of that I drank. And it talks about in her book and it says lack of power was her dilemma. And I said what this book is about is about finding a power greater than ourselves. That's the main purpose of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's not about drinking. It's, it's a misleading name, Alcoholics Anonymous. You think it'd be all about drinking, but it's not. It's all about God and God being the ultimate higher power in my life

now. I didn't understand it back then,

and

today I have so much power in my life, I don't even know what to do with it.

And I mean that if you have a problem with God or you don't have a God of your like, you know, I would encourage you right now to borrow mine. He's been keeping me sober for a number of years, and I think he's pretty funny. If you don't believe me, just look around.

You know, this is if Alcoholics Anonymous, it better be fun because if it ain't, I ain't doing it. And you know, the first thing that I thought was really funny is like this book was written by an out of work stock promoter and a butt doctor. If you can't get down with that, then there's something really wrong.

And that's where I met God was in was in the was in the big Book of Alcoholics and on him. So I didn't meet him in church. I didn't meet him in the woods. I met him in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I had this idea,

this question that I asked myself during the second step. And if you're suffering from alcoholism in here tonight or your new or you're coming back, maybe it's a question you need to ask yourself. And what I ask myself in the second step was what if this works?

What happens if I go through with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and some miracle happens in my life And that's all I had to base this on was what if? And I thought, you know what, I'm going to give it one shot and I'm going to put my everything into it. And he said, you're ready to do a third step. And I got on my knees and I realized what the real problem was. It says, God, Ioffer myself to the to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self.

And I thought, what do you mean relieve me at the bondage of self? You mean relieve me of the bondage of alcohol, right?

And he said no because your real problem is selfishness and self centeredness. See, I'm like a giant ingrown hair turned in on myself. I think I'm the only person in the place that matters.

And I started to really, really hit home with this idea. And

I didn't know if it was going to work, but I got on my knees and I said that third step prayer and I voiced it without a reservation and I held nothing back from it and honestly meant it. And I hear people say, no, I took my will back. And I think you never really gave it over then because if you gave it to God, there's nothing to take back. It's God's he'll hand it back to me with a clean slate. And I, and you know, I work with a bunch of, I work with chronic relapsers and newcomers and I've never relapsed myself, but there's

people that I seem to reach and very often enough, I'll have them in a fourth, in a fourth step in the first day. We'll work the steps at 8 days. We're going to do this very quickly because and how it works, it says, may you find God now. It doesn't say may you find God three relapses from now. May you find God six months from now, may you find him now. And they talk about being rocketed into a fourth dimension. And I'm trying to figure out what the 4th dimension was. And I came across this literature and, and Bill Wilson talked about, he said Albert Einstein

came up with the idea of the 4th dimension. He said 3 dimensions and it's a world we live in, one being height, width and length. That's the three dimensions. And the 4th being time. And it was a place where I'd never been in my entire life, was present in my life because I always lived in the past, worried about the past catching up to me. You know, my sponsor said something really, really cool to me when I started writing a four step. He said, Jerry, I want you to give up hope of a better past.

And I went, OK, I can do that.

See, the place where I was rocketed to was right here and right now because the only time that I've ever been president in my life was with a court of whiskey. And that's the only time I'd ever get present when the here and the right now. And if I don't learn to get present with God right here, right now, I'll go back to which may be present. I'll go back to the drink. And we started a fourth step, and,

you know, you see the steps on the wall. And if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous and the steps sound like punishment, welcome.

That's how they sounded to me, what I got here. And I can assure you you're wrong,

as I found out I was wrong.

He asked me a question. He said, can you make a list of all the people that you hate? I went absolutely no problem. And he said, good, let's start there. And he said all the people placing things that you have disagreements with or you dislike, we can do that. And I said, sure, no problem. He said, you have to have it done by tomorrow. And I said, OK. And I came back and I had 163 resentments on this list. And I thought I wasn't that angry. Meanwhile, I had things on there like automated telephone service.

Have you ever tried to call Revenue Canada and talk to a human being?

Tries to be nuts. Still to this day resent that one.

And then he said in the second column, he said, you know, and we did the bit. We did the four step out of the big book. I know there's some sheets that go around sometimes where you just fill in the blanks.

I would suggest trying it from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous with somebody who's done it before. And there's some people grinning and shaking their heads right now. And if you find those people, then ask them how to do this because we'll show you how to do it out of the book. And it says that it's only one line for the next column, it says we asked ourselves why we were angry.

And he said, can you write down those reasons why you're anger? And I said absolutely no problem. You know, I'm, I'm professional at taking other people's inventory. So what I did is I started writing down what these people have done to me. They stole from me. They lied to me. They gossiped about me. You know, they beat me up, they stole my money, they ripped me off. And, and, and I had ended up coming up with about 500 reasons why people hated me or why I hated these people. And the third step, I realized how that affected me, how it affected myself esteem,

my ambition,

my personal relationships, my sexual relationships. And then he said, we're going to get to the 4th column. And I didn't like that one. I didn't like it at all because now we're going to turn this around. See the 4th step, it says this is a fact finding and fact facing mission. And in the fourth step, the 4th column is called the fact facing is when you start to face these things. And and I and I came to realize that I play a part in every single one of these.

Actually, that's a lie because if I only play a part at saying that they still play a part

and it says I'm to disregard the other person involved entirely and see where are my own faults and mistakes were.

And by this time in the step group, there was only two of us left. Five people had already dropped out. And it was being A and a friend of mine, Kevin. And I remember watching Kevin change and he was really freaking me out because he was starting to change during this 4th step. And one day I'm walking by his room and he says, Jerry, come in here for a second. I saw I said, come in. He says, shut the door for a second. So I shut the door and he says, have a seat. When I sit down, he goes, listen man, I got to just tell you something. I'm just going to tell you straight. He goes, you're really changing man. That's freaking me out.

I was like, dude, same thing. See, so often we can see the change in other people before they see it in themselves. And through the 4th step, I finally got unvictimized and I took my life into my own hands and I realized that I'm the I'm the catalyst and all these things. I set the ball rolling and then we got into the fears list and I thought, you know what? I'm not afraid of anything. You know, I have no fears. And in in 3rd step it says selfishness and self centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion,

seeking self pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate seemingly without provocation. But we verbally find in every case that we made a decision based on self, which later places in a position to be heard. And I remember saying, OK, I'm going to do my fear calling. And what I did is I worked a step backwards what I was afraid of. And most of the time I was afraid of what the cause was. And I came up with 96 different fears and I thought, Oh my God, I'm in real trouble here.

And then it says, we ask God to remove our fears and they start to happen at once. They start to fall away. Today I can tell you the only fear I really have is finding a book by Bill Wilson called Just Kidding.

And after that, God, I started to feel some real cool things happen in my life and I had to do a sexual inventory. And I thought, what just a list, list of people that I banged before. And he says, no, no, no, no, it's not like that. He says the list of the conducts that you had done over the years. I thought, well, that's, that's not going to be that hard because really what it looked like and, and doing a sexual inventory, I realized that I was really quite lucky to be having sex period at all.

And it says we asked ourselves this one question, was it selfish or not?

And 99.5% of the time it was selfish. You know, I never cared about my partners.

And it really, really hit home about how how, you know, some people in my neck of the woods say this is a selfish program. And I strongly disagree with that because my book says selfishness will kill me. I must be rid of selfishness or it will kill me. This is a selfless program. And what happened was is through these through this inventory work. And inventory work is nothing more than a bunch of list prayers and observations. And it was the prayers and observations that really started to change my life. It wasn't so much the writing of it. It was the observation of

this happening in my life now.

And he started to prep me for a fifth step. And I really didn't want to do a fifth step. I really, really, really didn't want to do a fifth step.

And he said, do you want to stay sober? And I said yes. And he said, then you need to do a fifth step and you need to be absolutely honest. And I said, OK, I'll do a fifth step. And he set me up with a stranger, a guy I never met before. And I remember I was standing at the at the back gate of my treatment center and I had my 4th step in my big book. And my knees are just knocking. I'm shaking because I've got some dirty secrets. I've got some things that nobody should know. Because if anybody knows the things that I've done, they'll ask me to leave because that's what people, normal people do. And you look like normal people to me. You

me to leave and I got in and this guy shows up and I see him pull up and he says he's in a Jeep. And he pulls us up and the music's cranked and he gets out and he kind of saunters across the parking lot. And I'm like, this guy stoned, man,

you know, you can just tell when somebody stoned. His eyes were all glazed over and he was smiling. He's just sort of sauntering. And I thought, I can't do a fifth step with this guy. And I thought, wait a minute, he probably won't remember anything I say anyway.

Turns out he wasn't stoned. That was Serenity. I just never seen it before.

And he took me to this park in the Downtown East Side. And in about 2 1/2 hours, I spilt my guts and I told him every little thing that I'd ever done. And I told him from the point of view of a defective character. You know, I married a, I married a woman because she had money and because I was greedy. I didn't really love her. And that's the point of view that I took it from. It wasn't so much of what I had done wrong, but the point of view of the defect of character that I came from.

Because it says we admitted to our faults to another person. But in the fourth step of the big, it says we admitted our defects to another person.

And that's when I started to realize what my defects were. They were my motives. And after this 2 1/2 hour session with this guy, we got up and we started to walk across the field to where his Jeep was. And I felt terrible. I felt the worst I'd ever felt in my entire life. I felt I'm the biggest piece of garbage in the entire world and this guy must just think I'm an absolute animal. And I looked over at him and he looked down at me and he winked and he said way to go, kid, you just did it.

And all of a sudden the colors got a little bit brighter

and my step got a little bit lighter. And there are some important instructions at a fifth step afterwards. Year to go spend an hour by yourself with this, with this power of God. And what happened was I went into my room and I could only describe to you how it happened to me

was I fell on my knees and I started to weep. And that's different than crying. And the next thing that happened was love exploded in my heart. And I had the sensation that somebody was pouring warm water over me. And it felt like it was flowing through my entire body. And something physically came down and put its arms around me. And I heard a voice and it said, everything is going to be OK. And I remember I came out of that fifth step and I opened my door and my sponsor was standing there. He said what's going on, Jerry?

I looked at him. I said, I don't think I'm ever going to drink again.

And he said probably the most important thing that anybody had ever said to me up into this point, Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, I know, I believe you. He said you just had a spiritual experience, and if you want, I can show you how to have another one. And I said, absolutely. I love this feeling. I love this feeling. I want to feel this for the rest of my life. And he said, they only get bigger and they only get better. And I thought this is something I can really sink my teeth into. And he said, now we got to finish. That's what step 6 through 12 are about, about how to reproduce this feeling in others,

not just in yourself, but in others. And in the sixth step, I became willing to have these defects removed and I spotted my deep and, and the 4th step is really only there for two purposes. 1, to identify the defective character and two, to identify the people that I'd harmed. That's the real reasons for doing a four step. And through this I realized that I was greedy, that I was envious, that I was lustful, that I was prideful, that I was ego driven. And all these and what they were, were motives. My motives were mixed up. And it was always about what can I get? And it was never about giving back to the other person. So in the 6th