The topic of Help Others at the Westfield Big Book Workshop of the Spiritual Awakenings Group in Westfield, NJ

God, please help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, these steps, and especially you, for an open mind and a new experience with myself, my disease, these steps, especially you.

Well, we've had the pleasure of Sarah's company for two weeks now. She did trust God clean house. And tonight she's going to present on health others. Without further ado, Sarah.

Thanks. Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Sarah.

Thank you again, David, for asking me to do this workshop and thank you all for coming out here. You're not Super Bowl Sunday,

somebody said. You know, DVR is going to keep a lot of people sober tonight. I think that was true.

And I was meditating, you know, before this workshop to try to figure out like what my current experience like helping others and what my past experience helping others really has looked like. And for some reason this topic is the hardest for me

to find language and explain

and

but it's like such a huge part of my life so that doesn't really make any sense.

But I, I remember,

I remember one time I am, you know, helping others is directly related to the idea that selfish self centeredness is the root of my problem. Like my real problem as an alcoholic shows up when I put the drink down and it comes in the form of selfishness, self centeredness. My problems are of my own making. And when we talked about inventory last week, we talked about the 4th column of the resentment list. And that's really, you know, in, in the fourth column of my resentments and in my fears and in my conduct, I get to see where selfishness, you know, has been the cause of my problems. You know, where how

sort of my own making and I think that like this whole process,

this process that we do in the 12 steps does like a lot of things. But for me, it's taken me from someone who was incapable of having compassion in connection with people that loves me with strangers. It was incapable of having a true partnership, right? Like a true connection to somebody who is is like fairly full of love and fairly full of compassion and has a deep connection to other people. And that's not like any way that I could really help somebody is like God working through

me. It's not I don't really have the power to help somebody else. A sponsee of mine who I love very much just texted me along kind of list of here, here's the pain I'm in, here's the problem. And my response to her was,

I identify with your pain very deeply. This is alcoholism at its finest. However, all of the love that I have for you in the entire world is not powerful enough to help you. I cannot help you. What you need is a power greater than yourself. And the greatest service that I could ever do in helping others is to enable them to affect contact with a power greater than themselves.

And the greatest service that people have done for me, you know, in my sobriety have have been helping me get to that place because that's really when God takes over and God threw me is the power that is helpful to other people. I now before like when I was like first in sobriety, helping people was the most baffling thing. And I'm not even kidding. I remember one time I went to a staff member, his name was Dave G. He was awesome. And I was I was suffering. I was

offering so much and I was like, always, like, near tears. And I was in like, the worst pain ever. And this was, I believe, before I had like, run away and tried to get drunk again. And I said, Dave, why am I so miserable? Why am I suffering? And his response to me was, Sarah, think about anything else but yourself. You're sitting around thinking about yourself all day long. Think about anything else. I don't care what it is. Talk to somebody about Pickles. Talk about Pickles. As long as you're not talking about yourself.

I don't. I'm. I don't know. I think I laughed. You know, they got me out of myself for a second. I remember another time that my sponsor had given me the direction. She said you need to help somebody before 4:00 this afternoon. 4:00 rolls around. She goes, OK, what'd you do? Who'd you help? I didn't help anybody. I have no idea what you're talking about. Being of service to somebody else was the most baffling concept that I had ever heard of. That might not be everybody's experience, but I literally, I was so terrified of people and so in the bondage of self that I had no idea

what small little action I could do to be helpful to somebody else. You know, before 4:00 that day, I had no idea.

But yeah, so I guess like, there's a couple different ways that like, being a service to others, like shows up in my life today. It shows up in sponsorship. It shows up in, you know, a constant thought of others and how I can help meet their needs like all day long, throughout the day. It doesn't even matter like if I'm helping somebody with program work or not, but just like a focus on other people. It shows up

in making a a attractive

and I guess I'll start with sponsorship. I also feel that I have like a lot to learn about sponsorship. I feel like there's probably sponsors that are like more effective than I am. And I, you know, started to have this big book experience like

maybe like a year and a half ago. And, and it all kind of happened very quickly. I found myself in like a, like a whirlwind. You know, we hear a lot of people say like, oh, he's on fire or she's on fire in a A and I, I felt like I was set on fire and then I was just running around on fire, but not really knowing exactly what was going on. And, and I feel like I'm at a place now where I'm just kind of like, I'm not necessarily not on fire anymore, but I'm starting to come down, you know, from that and,

and, and really taking a look more in depth, I guess on like the way that I work with others and, and like the and like what my relationships in a a look like. But yeah. So when we open up for observations and everything like that, if anybody has any tips for me on sponsorship, I definitely would love them. It was pointed out to me, though, that the,

you know, the first nine steps in the book are, are worded as Now we're at our

now we're at step such and such. But after nine, when we get into 1011 and 12, they're worded differently. They're worded as suggestions. That doesn't mean that they're not required or that they're any less important. But the way that it was explained to me is that we get restored to sanity in the ninth stuff, you know, at least halfway through. But definitely by the time that we're done with the 9th step, we are restored to sanity. And by that time, they lay out some definite suggestions about how to continue taking personal inventory, how to, you know, deepen our conscious contact

God and understand God's will for us and, and how to carry this message. But the idea is that I'm also going to be able to like use intuition in these areas. And I'm going to be able to use intuition and to rely on my thinking and how to best be of service to somebody. Because not every single sponsee that I have falls into the blueprint of I've come in contact with them through doctor or a family member and I'm, you know, asking about them and trying to get to know who they are. And then I'm making approach. And, you know, it's like the outline that

give us some working with others. I mean, I can pretty much find the answers to any sponsorship questions that I have within that chapter, but it doesn't fit the blueprint for everybody that I work with. You know, it doesn't account for what what about the sponsors that I have that have been sober for four years and are totally lost in AA? You know, like like I maybe like the spree that I have to wait for them to come off is not a drinking spree, but like a self will spree. And it's just, you know, there's like many different situations. And I have found that like

Sponsee sponsorship situations are not necessarily that

black and white, like sometimes they're super complicated. They're human relationships and their human feelings. And I haven't yet perfected like a format that I can always fit, you know, with, with, with each individuals fancy. I found them to be very different, you know, but the basis for every sponsorship relationship that I have is that I am not the power that they need. And our primary purpose in working together is to go through the 12 steps so that person can have a spiritual awakening and work with other Alcoholics, you know, and, and that's it. And,

and

you know, there's, there's a part, I think it's in a vision for you. It says, you know, make sure that your relationship with God is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. And what happened to me, and I don't know if anybody's familiar with Sandy Beach, the speaker, he talks about the origin of the word service coming from Bill Wilson's spiritual experience. Because what happened was Bill Wilson has spiritual experience and he was overflowing.

He like you could not have stopped him. He was running around trying to get everybody sober.

I mean, you couldn't have pulled the reins in on Bill Wilson, you know what I mean? And that essentially is what happened to me

when I, I, I picked up a new sponsor and I, you know, I had a spiritual, you know, experience and a spiritual awakening like prior to this, but I was in a lot of pain and sobriety. And I picked up my sponsor that I have now like a year and a half ago. And we formally went through the steps in this way, which was so important, like so phenomenally helpful to my alcoholism.

Really good. And,

and I found myself all of a sudden,

you know, definitely by the time that he and I had done,

you know, like the 4th and 5th step inventory together and I was working on a men's definitely by that time. I mean, people were just like flooding into my life for me to be of service to. So the key thing that I did to be of service to other people, to be of maximum service other people was to take care of my own house, to like do my own program and, and be fit for when somebody showed up.

And my experience was that they just started naturally showing up. Like all of a sudden I had like 9 sponsees. I have, I had people like coming up to me saying, you know, I've been praying on this for a couple weeks and I think I want you to be my sponsor. You've been praying for a couple weeks on asking me to sponsor you or kidding, are you crazy? I don't know if I want to like engage in this relationship, You know, I don't know, I don't know what's going on, but I mean, people I'm, and I was getting asked to speak and I was, I mean, it was just like

my, my ability to be effective and useful skyrocketed.

And the best part about having gone through the work myself was that I had experience to share. And I had language, you know, I, I had, I had language for what we're doing here. And I had language for what my experience was. And I was able to like make sense of this kind of confusing book. You know,

I know a lot of people that have that have responses or the people that you know, ask them to sponsor them. Like read the book before they say, OK, go home and read the 1st 164 pages. I totally respect that. And I probably will do that at on Sunday,

but I, that wasn't my experience. You know, I didn't have somebody say, go home and read that book. So, so I kind of just like have what my experience was. And my experience was I didn't, I had been reading this book with sponsors for years, not understanding, not understanding very key elements, you know, And it wasn't until this past year that I was, you know, went through it like, and, and really was like listening to a lot of big book speakers and a lot of big book tapes and really like, understood it

in a, in a way. So I take the time

it's this, this might be like to self will of me, but I almost don't trust that somebody will understand it if I'm not like sitting there, like like breaking it down to help them. And, and maybe maybe that's not true, but but you know, when I sponsor people now,

it's pretty much,

you know, we go through the book together. I've had situations with people where I felt like they didn't have time

to go through every single word of the big book. I felt like they really needed to have an experience and they needed to have one. Now, people who are, you know, more of a chronic relapser, you know, and and I mean, we, we can use our self will to a certain extent in this program, you know, or, you know, in, in alcoholism, like it'll last us just just so long, right. And some people it will not last them very long at all. Other people, they can like, hold out miserable for a while, you know, before, before the insanity returns.

But with people who have been like in and out, in and out, in and out for a very, very long time, I have felt that those people,

I have had more urgency to say, we don't have a lot of time to go through this like word by word and have a very like intellectual experience with it. Like, So what my sponsor did early on was help me

highlight like specific paragraphs that were the key elements of steps 1-2 and three so that I could get somebody through and like a day or an hour and a half, you know? And

I remember feeling very like important when I had that urgency. It's like, oh, this is somebody that needs God now and like really like very important and very excited about it and just feeling very useful and amazing feeling.

Unfortunately, most of my experiences where I've done that, the person has not returned after Step 4, have not come back. But you know, that's the other thing. Like I'm not responsible for other people doing the work. What I'm responsible for is the laying is the making it available part. Like it's my, it's my job to lay the spiritual tool kit at the feet of somebody. And my sponsor says this beautiful thing.

He says that, you know, the reason why it's worded that way is because the only way this thing is going to work

is if that person has the willingness to bend down and pick it up, you know, and that's, that's the way that it is. And I tend to not be a very like hardcore sponsor because my experience was that I didn't need somebody to like whip me into shape. Like when I was done, I was done and I was desperate and I was willing to do anything that I had to do And I was like running around. My first sponsor wasn't even an alcoholic. She was a social worker that was hired by the program that I worked at. But there's,

there's this part, I think it's in a vision for you too, where this guy moves to a city and he's and he's overwhelmed by the number of people who are alcoholic. And so he goes to one of the top doctors who treat Alcoholics and say, Hey, listen, I have this,

I have this method that's really working. Why don't you try it out? And the doctor was like, OK, cuz I'm baffled by you idiots. So, so whatever you got, I'll try it, you know, and she was, you know, she was not armed with facts about herself, but she was armed with facts about alcoholism. She saved my life. She saved my life and

I don't remember where I was going with that or why I started. Does anybody? No, You're all thinking about the football game having good shape tonight.

We're done. You were done. All right. We're right. I was desperate.

Thank you, Genevieve, I'm back on track. I was really desperate, you know, and that doesn't mean that I haven't had like lots of recurrences of self will and things that I haven't wanted to hold on to. But I mean, I was, I was pretty much got accustomed to chasing my sponsors around, you know, And so I tend, I, I try to be honest and clear and straightforward responses. But I mean, if you have another way that's going to work for you,

then do it. And if you don't, then call me. I mean, that's pretty much how it is because I know when I'm working too hard

with a sponte, when my throat starts to hurt because I'm straining and I'm doing all the work and I don't need to work that hard. You know, it's like, if you are ready and you want to do this thing, like here it is, we can get down to the bottom of any situation in your life. We have a spiritual solution for any, any situation or problem that you could ever face. Let's do it. But you've got to be willing to, to, to want to go there, you know, and, and that's been a hard thing for me. Working with others is meeting people where they are. And how do I like maintain

service and maximum helpfulness to somebody instead of just like shutting them out because like, oh, well, you're not willing, so I'm going to shut you out. Like how do I, how do I stay helpful to somebody where they are? Because I wasn't always. And, and yes, I was, I was desperate and I was done. But like before that happened, like I needed some work, you know, in order to like get to that place. And there were people that were so patient with me and

I mean, they, they, they were continuously willing to show up and, and work with me where I was so long as I was putting my hand out for help,

even if that wasn't the time that I was really ready, you know, even if it was just one of those times when I just, I didn't want to be miserable anymore, but I wasn't ready to do the work, you know, they stayed there for me. And so that's been something for me in sponsorship too, that I've like, I maybe can't spend all of my time focus on this person who's like, obviously not willing, but I can maintain love and openness in that relationship so that I don't destroy a future chance of being helpful to somebody. You know, that's like,

that's been a situation that I've come up against

and my sponsor has another metaphor that I want to talk about because I really love it. And it it, it has to do with like the whole God size whole thing and the whole service to others. You know, he says that like our soul, I'm going to totally botch this. But he says that our soul is like a big pot of soup. And I guess for our whole life we've been thinking that like there's not enough and we're not going to have enough. And we're like, we suffer because of that. But when we wake up, you know, spiritually, we like go through the steps and we wake

and we have a spiritual awakening.

We like go back to the soup and we see what's going on and the soup is actually overflowing. And like, that's what's causing all the pain. There's like too much soup and it's making a big mess everywhere. And all we have to do is like, the problem is never ever that we've had too little. The problem is always that we've had too much. And all we have to do is like stay by the pot with a ladle and, and pour it into bowls and give it to people, you know, and like, give it away and like feed people.

I really like that,

that metaphor, but that's essentially, it's like what we do on a daily basis, like when our spirits wake up, you know, and we're here in this body, like we're by the soup and like all we have to do is like our, our suffering comes because like we think we don't have enough and we're using people and we're totally selfish and we're miserable. But it, we actually have a perfect amount, we actually have enough to go around. So it's just like that shift of perception and that shift of consciousness that happens with us

and and aside for sponsorship, you know that

that is potential all throughout the day. There in the 11th step in the book, it says each and every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. How can I best serve thee that I will not mind be done. And So what I literally do, and I don't know if this is like the right way to do that, but when I'm in a situation and I remember that line, I go, OK, God, like how can I serve God right now? Which really means like, how can I serve the people around me,

you know, And if I'm at work, perfect, perfect, you know,

place for that to happen. You know, I worked in restaurants for a long time and that was like the service industry. So it would be something simple as like, I'm going to help the busboys. Like I'll go get the pitcher of water and I'll bring water around, you know, or, or I remember one time I used to be like freaked out to like bring alcohol to the table. And then I realized, like, that's my service. Like that is my service at work to like help other people to have a nice time. And if the waiter is busy and I'm like afraid of the bottle, then like there's something going on in my spiritual condition. If the waiter's busy and the bottle is standing by the bar, I can take that bottle.

Bring it to the table and help this person out. And, and when I looked at it like that, it like totally changed everything

and, and whatever, whatever, like literal thing that I can do around me is like how I can like meet God and like serve God and serve other people like in the moment, you know, doing dishes after dinner, like simple stuff like that. But there's like a really powerful line in the book that says our, our very lives as ex problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs.

So I'm, I'm literally like in morning meditation, this idea of like, God, please show me what I can do today for the man who's still sick. Things in my life are like good and harmonious and enjoyable to the extent that I treat them as an opportunity to be helpful to somebody. Because usually what happens is if I'm not doing that, then I'm like looking, I have an expectation on somebody to like, do something for me or like fall back into like my selfish patterns. And,

and when I get out of the way

and look at and look at things as essentially just like service opportunities throughout the day, it's like, that's when like I feel the presence of God. You know, the idea that like the third step promises, like when we sincerely took such a position that we were going to turn our will and our life over to the care of God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. We found ourselves more interested in what we can contribute to life, less interested in our own plans and ideas. My experience was I didn't sincerely take any sort of position

on on giving my life over to God until I was active in four through 9.

You know, my like third step promises didn't really come true until I had like proceeded through the rest of the inventory.

But but yeah, just the idea today that like God is my employer and like God will provide what I need if I stay close to God and do God's work, which is usually goes back to like, how can I be helpful to people?

And I recently just got hired at, at the job that I really wanted to work at. And it was so interesting because I didn't think that they were going to call me back. And, and I, and I don't think God works like Santa Claus. I don't think like, Oh, well, if I'm good, then God will reward me with things.

But it just so happens that when I'm like, when I'm clearing the way to be a functioning member and I'm showing up to life and I have a motive of like being helpful and loving, like I really do get taken care of. I really get taken care of. And like the week that that this company called me back for for, for to come in for a first interview was full of service. I mean, I was just starting this workshop

the first time I did this. I, I spoke at another meeting right afterwards.

I was in AI was in Lana's fifth step for four days in a row. It was my anniversary. I mean, just like, I just like full of like love and full of service to others and,

and like, I didn't have to like make sure that like my life happened, you know what I mean? Like I had taken the action. I had showed up at the place and then I had gone and like put my attention back on like where it really needs to be and

you know, and, and that got taken care of and that was really beautiful.

Umm.

I think another cool experience that I had.

I was like

with my cousin, I wanted to talk about this for some reason. I was with my cousin and she was, she was talking about some sort of meditation and I was like, I was telling her my experience. And I kept on talking about like, Oh yeah, well, I use like self examination exercises. And like what I'm talking about is inventory. Like I'm talking about like Step 4, you know, and, and I'm telling about this self examination and she's like, she's like Sarah, like what are these? Like the self, the self examination thing? It sounds so interesting. Like what do you, what are you talking about That?

And and I was like, well, essentially it's like, it's like the 12 steps. Like that's what I'm talking about. And she was like, yeah, but you make the 12 steps look so cool and sound so interesting. And I was like, really, that's awesome. You know, because like that's exactly what we're supposed to do here. You know, that's what we're doing here. And this idea that like, we might be the only big book that anybody ever seen.

And, and it's like, but, but like what that really means is like, how am I living my life?

You know, how am I? It's like when somebody finds out that I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, what kind of opinion are they going to have about Alcoholics Anonymous? You know, I, if I walk around miserable and suffering and angry and I'm beating people up or I'm cursing out and I'm totally inappropriate, outrageous, and then I tell somebody, Oh yeah, I'm a sober member of a A. They're not going to want to come to a A. They're going to be like,

might as well keep drinking then. I'd rather be drunk, you know,

but but when I tell people that I'm in a a, you know what, what kind of impression of this program are they going to have? Is it going to be something attractive, you know, or is it going to, or are they going to want to stay away? And,

and, and, and that's like to know that I was like an attractive member of this fellowship and that I'm like giving it the respect that it deserves in that way. It's like so amazing. And I'm like alcohol is anonymous change my life, like save my life. Like is the reason for everything

that I have because I used to be, I used to be a completely different person. Like, like the term psychic change, we don't say it that much, you know, we say spiritual awakening like a lot more. But the term psychic change is so appropriate. Like I really feel that my mind is different and part of it might be growing up, but but a lot of it is like the power of God doing for me what I cannot do for myself on a daily basis

because I am not the same girl that I was. I mean, I was a horrible, I was a horrible monster.

And,

and, and I'm like fairly useful and like fairly content today, you know, and that's like, that's like outrageous. Like part of the reason why I was having like a difficult time kind of like thinking about what I wanted to say was because like, I really do feel like fulfilling emptiness, you know, I really do just feel kind of like I'm just here, I'm just present. I'm just with you guys

and and that's really amazing.

I think there was some other stuff in terms of helping others that I want to talk about

I.

I'm I'm not sure I just like. I can't stress enough that like without,

like without a connection to a power greater than myself, like I'm useless, you know? And it's not, it's really not me that does anything. You know, It's like, it's like my experience.

But the idea that, like, I can't transmit something that I don't have is like really important to me because I was like sponsoring people in a A

and I had no idea really what to tell them. Like I was not quite yet a person armed with facts about myself, you know, And when I got to that part in the book with my sponsor, my sponsor said, what are the facts about yourself? And the facts about myself are that I have an allergy to alcohol, you know, like the, the, the doctor's opinion that we suffer from an allergy. When I start drinking, I can't stop. But the real powerlessness and the real hopelessness about that is that I always start.

I can't not start, you know? And then also that like, I have a spiritual malady which makes my sobriety so unbearable that my mind will continue to tell me over and over again that it's a good idea to drink or whether it's a good idea or not. I just don't care. I'm drinking, you know, like those, those are the facts about myself. And,

and I didn't have those for a long time. And the reason why having those is so important is because once I have them, it changed my relationships to substitute two through 12, you know, and I think Doctor Bob had the same experience. Bill Wilson, he had, he had been trying to apply spiritual principles to recover from alcoholism and

it wasn't working. You know, he kept drinking. And when Bill showed up and, and explained to him what his alcoholism was and what it meant, he was like, oh, darn, I better do this. You know, he pursued the rest of the spiritual ideas, you know, with the book says, a willingness that he had never before been able to muster. And when I really got down with the hopelessness of my alcoholism, I was like, I better get serious about steps two through 12. Like I better get these in my life

that they're not quite. I literally remember sitting with Esponsee saying, yeah, I don't really understand the allergy thing or the powerlessness over alcohol. I mean, I don't really get it. And like I heard somebody say at a meeting once at like, once you start drinking, you can't control how you drink. But as long as there's no alcohol in your system, you can decide not to put it there. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. I'll, I'll, I'll do that, you know, or I'll, I'll think that, you know, And I was like so kind of vague and like all of

sponsorship was like a Hail Mary. I was just like thinking like maybe if I just like sit here and we read the book together, it's like we're, it's like we're going through it at the same time, you know, but like, I don't know, like my experience with God in that sense was like, God didn't like, you know, appear as like a third person, like explaining things to us. It wasn't, it didn't happen. You know, I didn't get it. They didn't get it. And I don't know, I hope I didn't hurt anybody with my ignorance, but

I,

yeah, having my own house in order was crucial to really be effective and helpful, you know, to people. And I found myself when people like after I had like been like pretty stable in, in the step process with my sponsor, when people were coming to me with situations, I was finding myself knowing what questions to ask them. I was finding myself knowing how to direct and, and the conversation and knowing how to pinpoint maybe what was going on and knowing and recognizing, being familiar with the character defects or with the fear or whatever. And like

having some experience being free of that myself and being able to say like, OK, like to go back into the darkness and then walk back into the light like together. Like I knew that I knew that path. And it was like so important. And this idea that like, I can't get rid of my selfishness without God's help, you know? And Oh yes, I was going to talk about like other forms of service, like chairing meetings. And I mean, I chair my Home group and

I have like a kind of H and I commitment. It's at an alternative high school. It's really cool. It's a place just like I was at before I got sent away to long term

rehab place, but it's like specializes with kids with mental health and substance abuse. And I bring a, a meeting into that facility every Friday and like these

like, like those things or like if I had a coffee commitment or something like, like, like the fact that I chair a meeting and that I have like the service commitment are like really important.

But I don't believe that that's like the extent that my service needs to be in a a like I need to be actively working with sponsors. Like I need to be sitting with people and have the book in front of me and be going through this like

all the time. And right now I'm, I'm like not in the forwards with anybody. And I'm like, feel like I need to be, you know, I have like a lot of people that are like passing inventory and like in nine and 10, which is like awesome, because like I used to never be able to get that far with the sponsor, but I'm like not in the forwards with anyone right now. And like that's, that's that's a really good place for an alcoholic like me to be, you know, working with people. And I feel like that is, that is like if we were going to have like a dinner plate that had like

a balanced meal, I don't know, that's probably broccoli and chicken and

potato or something like that. That's like a pretty balanced meal. It's like the chicken and the potato. Our sponsorship

and, and the broccoli completes it, but it's, it's, it's the other forms of service for me, you know, so it's like without that stuff, like my service picture is not complete. But like, boy, I really, I need like, I need the Hardy stuff, you know, and, and, and for me, that's really like strenuous work. And, and there's this part also that I related to recently. We're going through it in my Home group.

Um, we were just it, it, it came out from a vision for you, but we were talking about Bill Wilson's experience in the hotel lobby

and when he was

hearing the chatter and the drinking in the bar and thing in his business, geologists gone South, and he was feeling kind of hopeless and he was thinking that maybe he wanted to drink. And,

and I love that when he got the inspiration to go to the phone booth and call and call anybody looking for an alcoholic in that town, he said that his sanity returned and he thanked God, you know, and that really was like God working in his life, doing for him what he couldn't do for himself. But the deal is like, Bill Wilson didn't call his sponsor in that moment. He didn't call his support group in that moment. He didn't. He didn't call his mom and dad, you know, he didn't call somebody and say, Hey, comfort me, I need help.

He reached below him.

He reached out to the next person that needed even more help than he did. And he said, I've got to carry this message to somebody and I've got to,

and I've got to be helpful to somebody who needs, who needs hope, you know. And he got, I think 10 names, you know, from that phone book or from whoever he called. Other people will know the, the his sister. Yeah, his sister. And he, it wasn't until the last name that somebody put him in such, I think her name was Henrietta. And she put him in touch

with with Doctor Bob, you know what I mean? He just like he called all 10 people,

you know, and I love that. Like throughout the day, like if I'm feeling tripped up himself, it's, I mean, it's not always sometimes. I mean, I always if I'm like disturbed and there's something going on, like I have to, I have to take inventory because I'm, I'm powerless over alcohol, you know, and I need to make sure that my house is clean. But it's, it's about me reaching out. You know, I was like having this obsession like a couple weeks ago

and I was like, really in it. And my friend gently reminded me, she said the problem is not that you just did that thing. The problem is that you are still thinking about it. Go help somebody. And I was like, Oh yeah, awesome.

And

it just had something that I wanted to say.

OK, got it. Going back to the way that like being armed with vex about myself is like, enables me to be helpful to other people.

God has presented me with opportunities to be helpful wherever I am, you know, and, and like, my focus when I go to meetings is not anymore about what I can get from the meeting. It's not, oh boy, I need a meeting

because I really need to share because I feel awful.

You know, I wouldn't restrict myself from like something in a meeting if I was that crazy. And I really needed to do that. But my, my focal point in meetings today is not, you know, getting relief from them.

I don't really get relief from meetings. What I get is connection to the fellowship. And the best way that I can approach connection to the fellowship is when I go to meetings and I'm really listening

and I'm like looking for people that maybe need help, you know, because, because when I'm really in the meeting and I'm focusing and I'm listening, I can tell like who has a spiritual solution in their life and who doesn't? And like, whether or not somebody's like in enough pain to like want to talk to me about it after the meeting, you know, But I, I, I kind of like, have that focus when I go to meetings

And, and that's really awesome. And that's enabled me to like, follow up after the meeting and to like be helpful. And I had a really cool experience. I was in Illinois visiting my boyfriend's family. And it was like such a great week because I was like focused on other people in general. Like I was focused on being with his family and I was focused on being there for them. And I was focused on like connecting with them. And I was in just a general mindset of like thinking of others

and the same with the same with meetings. And we went to this one meeting in Southern Illinois

and there was a woman who shared and she touched me so much that, I mean, I don't know if I said this out loud to my boyfriend or not. And I don't know if I've shared this here before. I apologize if I'm repeating myself, but I literally said to myself or someone, she's the one, that's the one, you know? And, and I walked out to her after the meeting and it was Wednesday and I was there Saturday and I just felt so convicted. It's like, and this is not me. This is not, I'm not like virtuous, like I'm, I'm the opposite of virtuous. But when I, when I have a higher power working in my life,

I find myself doing all sorts of foreign alien things that feel really super normal because they're actually like in they're like true to my spiritual nature, right? Like this is who I really was meant to be the whole time. I just had this very backwards way of like waking up my spirit through alcohol and now

and now this is just kind of like the natural existence that I have, you know, when I'm taking care of my spirit and, and allowing it to move through me. And, and I went up to her and I just, I just, you know, I extended my hand and I, and I laid out some spiritual tools and like she picked them up