The topic of Clean House at the Westfield Big Book Workshop of the Spiritual Awakenings Group in Westfield, NJ

Hang around and you, uh, have to use a member for six months to get a magic wand and, uh, I'm kidding,

all right. So, umm,

so Sarah's doing trust God, clean house and help others. And, uh, I, it's with great pleasure that I introduce, uh, Sarah from big book magic. Uh, tonight she's doing clean house.

Hi everybody. I'm Sarah. I'm alcoholic. It's really good to be back here. The crowd's a lot bigger tonight because there isn't a major sports event, I don't think.

Yeah, last week was really cool. I, you know, had the expectation that I was going to come here and I was going to kind of do like a clean, like walk through of all the steps. Umm And then after our conversation with my sponsor, I thought it would be better to just kind of focus on what my current

experience is really, you know, with the idea of trusting God with cleaning house and then with helping others. So,

umm, you know, we talked a lot about, uh, God Reliance last week and my experience was that I couldn't

have any reliance on God until I had done the cleaning house part to gain access, you know, because I remember, I remember the day that I realized that belief in God really didn't matter at all in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's not a program about like believing in God or even understanding God or whatever. If, if a belief in a higher power was sufficient to keep me sober, there would not be priests or clergymen in a, a, you know, people who have believed in God their whole life find that they

control their drinking. They can't not start to drink and they can't find the power that they need to live life on a level that they want. So it's not about a belief in a power greater than me. Umm, I didn't necessarily not believe in God. I didn't really think about God once. The only time I really remember thinking about God was when a drug dealer that I was like hooking up with got arrested right in front of me. And then I was super afraid that that was somehow gonna be my fault and that he was gonna be really upset with me. And so

praying, like on the street, I think I was drunk. I was praying on the street out loud that God would make sure that nothing too bad happened to him so that he wouldn't be upset with me when he got out of jail. And that was about the extent, you know, of, of my belief in God.

Umm, but the, uh, you know, the real work that we're doing here is about like clearing away the things that block me from God, You know, it's about like getting access. And, umm, my experience is that like, I can't really explain to you what God is or

whatever, but God is like an experience that I have when I

take inventory and share it with somebody and, and see like a new level of truth about myself and come to a new level of willingness of like a different way that I might want to live. And if I, and when I can see the way that I've harmed people and when I have this awareness that I don't want to do that anymore. And when I go to you and I say, I'm sorry that I hurt you and I don't want to do this, what can I do to make it right? All those things. God is like an experience that I have. And umm, I was recently doing inventory with, uh, Fonzie and I asked her afterward, I said, how do you feel?

She said, I feel a fulfilling nothingness. And I was like, word, right? Like that's like, that's pretty good. And that was my experience. Umm, right after I did, I did 5-6 and seven all at the same time with my sponsor. And I had gone to his house with an overwhelming sense of negativity. You know, Bill Wilson talks about there was a terrible sense of impending calamity, you know, like this, this idea of like impending doom. And that was like before

his riding nerves were stilled by a couple of drinks. It's like that was his experience sober before the drinks brought him the relief.

Umm, And I sort of had the expectation that like all of that overwhelming negativity would be replaced by overwhelming positivity, right? Because I'm, I'm alcoholic and I really want to feel very good all the time.

And, uh, and it wasn't, it wasn't that way. It was, uh, what happened to me was just all of the overwhelming negativity just simply was removed

and I was OK. Things were very quiet. They were very calm. And umm, I did about a 20 minute period of meditation after, uh, after that when I had got home before going to a meeting. And I know that they, uh, they suggest to sit down and review for an hour, you know, if you were thorough. I mean, I knew I was thorough and the only thing that kept going through my head was like, I thanked God. Then I knew God better because I had a sense of relief and a sense of peace. And I felt this like

this, OK, I'm good,

I'm being taken care of. What I need to do now is move forward and amend these things, you know, and God really is truly taking care of me.

Umm, and, uh, something that I forgot to discuss last week. Umm, in the family afterward they

have this

part that really describes like when I'm getting out of the way and how this relates to like clean house. Is that like the clean house is like the build up for like this experience?

Umm, but, uh,

OK, right. So we've been speaking to you serious, sometimes tragic things. We've been dealing with alcohol in a source aspect, but we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. And I have a friend that says that like sometimes she has, she's like, no, no, no, I insist, right. Like I have to insist on enjoying life because sometimes, like my brain can maybe not want to do that. So naturally. But we try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our

when we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give some first aid and place what we have at his disposal for his sake. We do not recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them. So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered and we've been

given the powers to help others.

I mean, this is just like, amazing. Everybody knows that those in bad health and those who seldom play do not last much,

so that each family play together or separately as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is available here. So it was once just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid, then, the deliberate manufacturer of misery. Umm. But if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His

omnipotence. Umm. So there's a couple things going on here. The idea that like my troubles and my misery are of my own making and

my boyfriend sponsor. So this one's in a meeting. And I never forgot the idea that misery actually has to be manufactured. Because if God wants me to be happy joys and free and God is the only thing that is actually real joy is the only thing happening. So when I had this experience of, of cleaning house with my sponsor and feeling some relief from, from the misery that I was manufacturing and I stopped manufacturing misery, even though I mean the perfection of that experience lasted 24 hours.

Since then, it's been daily practice, right, of continuing to take the action, you know, and I get disturbed

all the time, but I, if I didn't have, if I didn't have inventory and I didn't have this desk to like continue practicing, like I would be screwed. Like I'm very, I'm a recovered alcoholic. My obsession to drink alcohol has been lifted at the capacity to be useful and helpful to you. I no longer feel like everything is falling down on me. If I'm in a situation that's baffling or troublesome, it's OK. I have, I have the capacity to relax and take it easy. I, I run it through the process of inventory. I'm willing to learn. I don't have

too hard of a grip on the expectations of what exactly should happen, and if I do find myself gripping, it's OK. It's like I'm able to let it go more, but I'm not cured.

I'm not cured of alcoholism. And I know that in my bones, right? So I'm very, very happy that I still have this process.

Umm, but when I stopped manufacturing misery for that 24 hours, the ol, I mean, it's the, the most natural thing for me to do was have fun, you know, And, uh,

it, it just, it was the thing that made sense. Play, laugh, have fun, relax, enjoy. I mean, it's, it's just like those things were just like, kind of like coming out of me.

Umm, so, uh, so anyway, those are, those are sort of at the end. OK, But umm, what's going on with me? I'm an alcoholic. That means not only that I cannot control the amount of alcohol that I drink once I start drinking, but it means that I actually do not have a choice whether I'm going to drink or not. That didn't change when I came into a A. It wasn't like, oh, all of a sudden I came into a A and now I'm around these people and I go to these meetings. So now I have a choice. I can choose not to drink.

That wasn't my experience. I came to AA and I sat. I was in like a lockdown thing. That was all they did was talk about the 12 steps. It wasn't necessarily like, you know, an AA meeting in the book, but

the spirit of a A was in this place. And I ran away from this place after nine months trying to,

uh, pursue a drink of alcohol

because I essentially what happened was I was totally insane. I was suffering from a spiritual malady. I'm full of self and, and I had no defense, you know, when the thought to drink came, I was not able to reason. I had, no, I had my, the sanity inside me was not strong enough to reason with the temptation, right? And so I ended up, you know, giving in to it regardless of how that would affect me and how that would affect the people who cared about me.

And umm, there's a part and we agnostics that says, uh,

the fundamental idea of God is deep down within every man, woman and child. I believe that God,

God's self is deep down within every man, woman and child. And this is sort of my, this is my conception. So if it doesn't work for you, it has nothing to do with your conception and you don't need to believe it. But this is my experience. So I'm just going to share it. And if anything that I say doesn't work for you guys, there's like 30-5 other people here. Like talk to somebody else after the meeting. I won't be offended. I can do the inventory that I'm telling you all about, and I can become free of my resentment against you.

Or maybe during the critique part, you know, after that, I'll walk through it out loud.

My father wants, umm, somebody dropped a huge profanity in, in, in the meeting. And it wasn't just a profanity. It was a very derogatory term that he took very personally. And when he shared, he walked through an inventory out loud on how to, to become free of, of the anger that he was feeling against this person. And to be an example, I mean, that was, I was like hugely powerful when he shared that with me.

Umm, but I, uh,

you know, I believe that, umm,

I believe that like the Spirit of God is like in my heart, right? And like what the, what the steps have done for me is they've moved me from like living in my head to just living in my heart, like, umm, clearing away the things that like block me from what's already there. And so you know my experience with God,

I didn't reference a book a lot last week, so I feel like I should. You know, we agnostics also says the consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you. But come to me like when like

my, I didn't start to have an experience with God working in my life at Step 3.

I had to be at Step 3 in order to like do what I needed to do to like have that experience. But I remember if I shared this last week or not, but I would like say the third step prayer. I would try to like will God into my life without doing anything. I would just be like if I pre, if I strain all the muscles in my body as I'm saying this prayer and I give it all the effort that I have, maybe God will know I'm serious and God will come and strike me happy. You know God will change

say that I filmed desperate for relief and it never worked. It never I became increasingly more and more and more and more miserable. And I had had like some taste also of like working, working the steps. But

I wasn't, you know, my first force that I ever did. They threw me in a corner and this treatment program I was at and they said you can't get out until until you write this thing. And then they had some girl comes in with me who really didn't know what she was doing either. And like Ryan, I'm like writing these like stupid columns that I don't understand. I'm getting no freedom.

I'm I'm, I'm digesting no chunks of truth about myself. I'm not understanding anything. I'm just trying to stay out of trouble.

Umm. But yeah, uh,

eventually, you know, I, I got into enough pain of just living by my own resources alone and like in my own head that I, I didn't think that I was gonna stay alive like I thought I was, I didn't wanna stay alive. I didn't know how I was gonna survive past the age of 16 if I didn't have some relief from myself, from my sober condition. You know, alcohol was the only thing that worked to fix the way that I felt. And,

and, you know, alcohol gave me what the promises to talk about.

And so I needed, uh, I needed like a better way to get the promises. And luckily they are the promises that we get after step 9. Umm, so I can just do, I can just do, you know, not, but not like an isolated step 9 where I'm like walking away. I mean, and I don't know, maybe that's what Doctor Bob made all his amends when he had, he's been drinking beer that morning to like to be still enough to perform a major surgery. And when he left the surgery, he was like, I'm, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do this thing that you're telling me about Bill Wilson and he

around and made all of his events that day and he never drink again. For me, I needed like a lot of preparation and understanding and like there needed to be some serious shifts that occurred like in the previous steps before I just went out and started making events to people. But

you know, so, so this is kind of all build up.

This is all build up. What I'm, what I'm trying to say is,

is, is my decision to turn my will, my life over to their care of God was a great decision, but it required

some action like immediately following. And I believe the wording in the book is like, though our decision was a vital and permanent one, it could have a little permanent effect, was a vital and important one. It could have little permanent effect unless immediately followed

was a vital and crucial step that could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things that ourselves which had been blocking us. So this idea that like God is somewhere in here is just God is just totally blocked off. And what is God blocked off by self centeredness. You know, our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making the arise out of ourselves.

And so the first thing that I do, umm,

is I start looking at like, what are the major manifestations of self in my life?

Anytime I am disturbed, the problem is with me. It doesn't matter how justified I feel in that. And my sponsor hearts on that a lot, you know, but but the best thing about that is that I have the capacity and, and the path to become free of anything that happens. And I have not had to work through super tragic things in my life. But I have had enough example from you. And I'm not going to go 'cause a tragedy. So I could do it and prove to my, you know what I mean? But like, I have had enough examples from people in my life who have worked through

trauma and tragedy and kept the focus on them and became free and got willing to forgive and all that stuff.

Umm, but uh, the first, you know, the first thing that I look at, umm, you know, in this like specific, like four step right is my resentment and, uh, the way that I, I do resentment inventory a lot. Resentment and fear are probably my most common forms of inventory that I have to process. Umm, the sexual conduct inventory is important and umm,

and I have also had experience not looking at the sexual conduct inventory not only with like sexual relationships, but with just important significant relationships. Like when I did my four step and I did the conduct inventory, I went through, you know, people I had dated, people who I had had kind of like flirtatious relationships because there's probably like a lot of grounds for self seeking. There's probably a lot of like, I have no intentions with you, but I'm using you to make me feel better kind of kind of thing. But also just like people like significant personal relationships, like people that I spend a lot of time with, like

family, where am I dishonest? Where am I inconsiderate? You know, where am I selfish with these people? How am I behaving? So it's a great like thing. It's a great inventory just to process as like a conduct just to check, like, how am I being as a friend? How am I being as a daughter? Like if I don't have any like resentment or fear and connection to this person

but resentment, resentment is really cool. So

I, the book has taught me to break down resentments into 4 columns.

Umm, and uh, you know, I'll give like a recent example. Umm, I, and this is like really pertinent to where I am because like I spent a lot of time in Alcoholics Anonymous, umm, doing like this and that out of the book and people showing me like this and that out of the book. But I didn't have a relationship and I didn't have like a basic understanding with the big books. I didn't understand that like, this was like the recipe for sobriety, You know, I just, I didn't get it. I, I sat in meetings a lot and I thought that

is terrifying, but I thought that everything that people said in meetings was a A and the message of a A. I didn't know that it was like written down somewhere like a little bit more coherently that I could like relate my experience and then follow it very simply. It's like baking a delicious pie.

And,

and,

and so when I got on, there's this like, oh, there's like this hilarious part in the family afterwards, you know. Assume, on the other hand, that Sarah at the outset has had a stirring spiritual experience overnight, as it were. She is a different woman. She becomes an A a enthusiast. She is unable to focus on anything else. As soon as her sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course,

the Fellowship may look at their strange new friend with apprehension,

then with irritation. There's talk about spiritual matters morning, noon and night. She may demand that the Home group find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say that she is above worldly considerations. She may tell other people who have been members of a A all their life that they don't know what it's all about and that they had better get her brand of spirituality while there is yet time. Right? So it's like I have this like, burning spiritual experience. All of a sudden the whole thing makes sense. I understand my alcoholism. I understand my need for power. It's amazing.

I'm running around a, a telling people that they don't know what they're doing, you know, and, and

you know, that's not really helpful to anybody. It's just not what's helpful is like my practical demonstration of my principles. What's helpful is me, like not telling you that you don't know what's going on, but my like cleaning house and finding relief and, and being able to show up anyway and having people say, how do you do that?

You know, if I'm attractive to somebody, like that's helpful. Like me focusing, like the idea that like, umm, great events will kind of pass for me and countless others if my relationship with God is right. You know, it's not that I'm managing everybody else's relationship with God. Umm and uh, and so I've struggled with the big book being something that separates me from people, you know, and it's not only people who don't have the same relationship with the big book that I do.

I I definitely it's like, oh, I, I have like a very basic kind of like judgment separation that I've had to like really inventory, like the arrogance in that, you know,

and the spiritual pride. But the big book can be something that separates me from other big book people, right, because I'm so insecure. I love, I relate so much to Bill's story and I didn't tell my sponsor took me through, but I proved to the world that I was important, you know, the inherent low self esteem in that, in that situation. All of my relationships have been about, you know, this, this like dependence dynamic, you know, that I'm like seeking something, something for me. I'm looking, I've never once been free to just freely give love, you know, to just like be a channel on a vessel.

I have like an expectation and a dependency dynamic in everything that I do. There's there's hardly ever two people in the room. And I'm not talking about like now. So currently, like there's been huge shifts and huge progress in that area. But like that, that has happened before. But he can come up with other people that really know the big book, right? I'll walk into a big book meeting that I've never been to with a base expectation that these this is like, you know, regular old group of stumpers. They, they know the lingo, they know, they know the deal

and it's and, and immediately

it's I'm like, I'm, I'm like all of the big book stuff that I know I'm, I'm like throwing it out there like a shield, right? Like, no, I know what I'm doing, you know, like don't, don't worry about me. Don't think that I'm new. You know, it's like all this ego and it's like the big book. Like instead of the big book being about love and service and being able to like communicate and transmit this experience where I can like be, be free enough of self to just like be love and service. It can become this like shield that like separates me from people, you know.

And so this all relates to what I started talking about. I swear I'm actually going to start talking about inventory in a second.

I I bring a meeting into a school on on Fridays. It's an alternative high school that has a special focus on substance abuse and mental health, and I asked the girl to be the speaker for me.

I hadn't seen her in a long time. And the last I knew she had, she had joined this kind of like hardcore group in the city and she had a male sponsor.

And so I'm like, alright, like this girl, like she's probably pretty hardcore. And so I go and I meet her and, and we have this time and, you know, nobody shows up for the meeting. So we just kind of like to check in with each other and like talk and catch up. And then she leaves and I am like wildly disturbed when I leave her. I feel so uncomfortable. I think I, I, I went shopping or something ridiculous, you know, after that, it's like, I, I just

just felt horrible

and umm, and I got home later that night and I was talking to my mom and then I was like, you know what, mom, like I, I need to get a pen and paper right now and I need to write some inventory, a resentment inventory. And what's cool about that experience? Actually, my mom was like, what's that? Does that mean inventory? And she was like, well, maybe I have a resentment. How do you write it? I like sat down with my mother at the kitchen table with a big book in between US and like showed her how to write every time in inventory. You know, it's like our way of life has its advantages for all. By the by the 4th column, she was like,

yeah, I'm tired. I did not know this was gonna be so long.

And I'm like, no, mom, you're almost there. You have to keep going.

But so, so I wrote down, you know, I was like, I, I need to get to the bottom of this, you know, I need this is, this is something that is like blocking me right from being effective and useful. This is something that is like, like preventing me from having Peace of Mind. And this is something that's keeping me, you know, from conscious contact to God right now. So I need to, I need to write about it and I need to see really what it's all about.

So I write down who the girl is and I write down second column. She seemed to be concerned about me.

She what? Why was I upset with her? She wasn't very commutative, you know, she didn't share of her life, of her personal life the way that I was sharing. I was like telling her everything that was going on.

You know, she was like a little more reserved. I was, I was horrified. I was like embarrassed that I had like, you know,

just like thrown up all this stuff, you know, like here, here I am, here's what's going on. Approve of me and I got nothing, nothing. She was just like, well, call me anytime. Like like if you ever need help, call me.

And I'm like, I'm like shopping. Like what?

And, uh, you know, OK, so that's second column, right? But like when we leave the second column, we leave the second column like so many times I'm doing inventory with people.

We're like, we're on column four and they start saying, so I'm like, Gee, that's funny. That sounds a lot like Colin Two, We're not. We're not in column two anymore. We left, we left that town a long time ago.

And, and I go into column three and the column three is like, what does this affect? You know, it's like, what major part of self is this affecting? And they give us this list, right? Is it my personal relations? Is it my sexual relations? Is it myself esteem? Is it my ambitions? Is it my pocketbook? Is it my emotional security? So these things

and I recently got put on to like a little bit of a deeper column three that I really enjoy because like the 4th step promises, I will have digested some major chunks of truth about myself. They're not promising that I have any relief. They're not promising that anything have They're promising that I see myself differently, right? I'm the business owner who I'm going through seeing like what has expired? You know what is no longer working?

And I'm kind of separating things. And so I was like, well, it affects myself esteem, right?

So what am I really saying? I'm like, well, she didn't, she didn't approve of me. You know, she didn't treat me the way that I wanted to be treated. She didn't comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be OK. And that affects myself esteem. So what's another way of saying that? Oh, my self-esteem is attached to being approved of by other people simply don't have anything to do with her. It's like me, it affects my personal relationships.

Well, what about it affected my personal relate? I feel like I don't want to be close to her now, you know, I feel like

I don't want to be close to people unless, you know, we have this like connection or unless she's seeing me. It's like the exact same thing. It's like my personal relationships are attached to people seeing me in a certain way. So I'm consistently trying to like prove to you I'm showing up here. I am. I'm big book Sarah. I'm spiritual Sarah. And they've named me for this, for this series of talks, you know,

but essentially it's like I'm not, I'm myself esteem and my personal relations are not derived from like

a secure sense of God's presence and like a desire to be helpful to people, right? It's like it's not about that. Umm, my emotional security, you know, I, I feel insecure when other people are not expressing love and validation, right? So I'm like, so it's all centered. Umm, and I think, I think that was like it, you know, umm, and, and sometimes, sometimes I do an individual column three for every resentment in column two. Sometimes I don't feel that that's necessary, but if it's like a really big resentment and

really feel like I need to break it down that much, I will. Other times I feel like I can sort of, you know, do one column three and check to make sure that I've covered every point in column two. Umm, and then I move on, uh, to column four. But before I move on to column four, they give us this thing called a sick man prayer. And they say, now, you know, we're going to review our list thoroughly now that we're done and we're going to be prepared to look at

these these people from a whole different standpoint.

And the standpoint is that these two more spiritually sick, just like me, you know, and then I mean, and I'm gonna ask God to relieve me from being angry. So show me how I can be helpful and to help me to treat them the way that I would treat any other sick person. I have a hard time with this person because I don't always believe that the person that I'm resentful at is spiritually sick. Not that I just think they're a horrible person, but I usually feel like I'm the spiritually sick one. Like I like a victim. Like when I resent against my boyfriend, I'm like, he's not spiritually sick. He's just like beautiful loving person. And

I'm a nut job who doesn't know how to be intimate, who doesn't know how to be in a relationship. You know what I mean? So, so I, I don't, I sometimes don't feel the need to like pray for this person to spiritually sick. I'm no, they're not. You know, I am. And, and so I don't always say that prayer. It depends on like really depends on like how angry I am and how justified I feel I am. I feel like that's the gauge for me.

But then we then then the direction you know that you guys gave me is to put out of my mind the wrong that the other person has done and to focus on four things.

Or had I been selfish? Or had I been self seeking or had I been dishonest and what are my fears and so selfish. Boom, I showed up. The entire thing from the get go was about me and how she was going to make me feel. That's it. You know, I would do not show up with a spirit of I haven't seen this girl in such a long time. I wonder what she's up to. We're going to bring this meeting in. We're going to give these kids some hope. It's going to be amazing. No, I was tired. I was in fear for something the night before. I was totally himself. The whole thing was about me from the start. I'm thinking about me

the whole time. I'm in total fear about what she's thinking about me. OK, write that down. That's where I'm selfish self seeking. I'm trying to derive self esteem and security from like how she treated me and how she's making me feel. You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm trying to get her everything that I think she's going to want to hear for her to say. Wow, Sarah, you are really on the beam.

And I'm like, I'm like catering on the beach. I mean, like I'm about to fall off

Umm, and so, so that's self seeking, right? It's like every time I'm trying to like gain my sense of security from like how you see me, I'm trying to like get my sense of self, like through your eyes. And this is like, this is like the truth, right? About like where I'm at with this girl or, or where I can be many of many of the times, like just thank God. I thank God people in AA1935 knew what I was going to need in 2012 to be able to show up for life like a normal person. You know, just like incredible

dishonest. I don't remember exactly what. Oh, the biggest dishonesty on that day. I was trying to show her that I had everything all together and I didn't, I didn't have it all together. There was some fear that was going on. There was there was a lot of self centeredness. There was like, there was some like whatever anxiety, I didn't have it all together. And when she said, how are you? Instead of saying, you know, in general, I'm OK. But today I really don't have it together. I'm glad we're at this meeting.

I was just, I was like a juggling buffoon trying to make sure that I seemed like I had it all together so that so that she could be impressed by my Alcoholics Anonymous program. I get here because I'm like a hopeless alcoholic and I'm trying to be the best, like the most recovered 1 here.

This isn't like, I mean, not I'm not trying to put us down. We're brilliant, creative, awesome people. But this isn't like, you know, the like the President's list club, You know, this is like

like left house on the block where like,

umm, for Alcoholics, umm, so we have each other. It's nice and, uh,

and, and fear, you know, I'm, I'm essentially, it's like most of my fears come down to like, I'm afraid that I won't be loved. I'm afraid God's not going to take care of me. I'm afraid, umm, you know, I'm afraid to like never feel safe. And, uh,

and you know, I had a lot of those fears that I'm not good enough and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fear that she judged me. So what if she judged me? The idea is like, we write down our fear and we ask like why? We asked ourselves why we had this fear. I'm afraid she's gonna judge me. Well, why am I afraid of that? Because if she judges me, I feel horrible about myself. What if I feel horrible about myself? Well, then I have no sense of relief, you know, and I'm either gonna like kiss butt and then feel even more miserable or it's just never gonna go away or whatever. And most of my fear spiral out to like, I'm gonna end up drinking and dying, you know,

just like gonna be the most the worst thing ever in my like fearful world.

And so I like totally saw the truth, right. So I went from feeling like,

what's up, what's up with her right to being like, oh, there's a problem was entirely of my own making. It was completely rooted in self and but, but what do I do about that? Right? Like here's where the rest of the steps come in because I love this part in Step 3 from how it works. I relate to it so much

where it says we could wish to be

about everything. The alcohol is my favorite of the selfishness. We must or it kills us. God makes that possible. There often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral philosophical convictions galore, but we cannot live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help. The only way that I know how to get God's help

us through prayer and the and the process of four through 9. That's the only way that I know how to like clear enough of like Sarah, a way to get like

Sarah's spirit, sort of like coming to the surface and like expressing itself naturally. That's just the experience that I've had in a A and that's what you guys taught me. So once I saw the truth about myself, I, I'm like God, there's nothing that I can do to make myself different. I can't, I can't, I can't like go in and like cut out this like part of me that like is desperate for approval and validation, but I can recognize it for what it is and I can really ask for help, you know, and I can like,

you know what, what would the opposite of that look like? Oh, it would look like me knowing that I'm enough, having like some security in my relationship with God and, and asking for a constant thought of others and how I can help meet their needs. It would look like me showing up for this girl with a genuine sense of, oh, hey, I haven't seen you in a long time. How have you been? What's going on in your life? You know, and then listening and just being there and not expecting anything, affirming that like things are complete and that it is all OK.

So like, am I willing to maybe have that experience? Am I willing to grow towards that? Am I willing to ask God to relieve me of the self centeredness and trust enough that like my solution is not working and there might be a better one and that I can like become available for that experience? Yes, I'm willing, God help. This is kind of like 6:00 and 7:00

and,

and, and you know,

sometimes at this stage in the game, I take, I take inventory so often that like sometimes it just, it just hits me very naturally and I don't need to kind of run it through and process, umm, with somebody. Uh, my, my first major force that I absolutely needed to do that. And probably 95% of the time I, I do do that. But this one, it just, it was like the steps kind of like just kind of came out of me very naturally. Like I knew instantly,

like I was still at the kitchen table when this was happening. And something very humbling thought came to me and it said, you need to call her and tell her the truth. And I was like, oh boy,

OK,

it was, it was just a beautiful experience. And as soon as I knew that I needed to make an amends to her and I needed to like confess, like all of the self centeredness and all of the self seeking this like this, like giant sense of relief came over me. It was done. It was, it was already over.

All I needed to do was make the call. I called her the next morning. I had told my sponsor or somebody, I don't remember. I was like, I have sometimes to make, but it just, it felt natural. I trusted the instinct. It was fine. Umm, she didn't call me for like 2 weeks. I, I called her once left a message, called her again, left a message and then dropped it. And like 3 weeks later she finally called me. And when she when, when we connected, I just said I owe you an apology. I spent the entire

time that we were together a couple weeks ago trying to impress you because I thought that would make me feel better about myself.

I had an image of you as being this woman and this hardcore group with a male sponsor. And I thought that I needed you to know that I played hardball with the boys, you know, and uh, and because of that, I was not present for you at all. And I was not a friend. I was, I was hardly even there. And you deserved so much more than that from me. And is there anything I can do to make it right?