The topic of Trust God at the Westfield Big Book Workshop of the Spiritual Awakenings Group in Westfield, NJ

Alright, well umm. Without further ado, I want to umm, introduce our speakers tonight. I corralled her after hearing her speak. Umm,

and I think it was either Wall Way or or New Brunswick or something along those lines. Whatever you say.

And I was taken by the spiritual nature of her talk. And and you know, I, I sent a flyer around and I said spiritual Sarah, which she doesn't call herself that because if she did, she wouldn't be spiritual Sarah, right? I mean, isn't that how that works? But I call her that because I was, I was really very much taken by her talk. And without further ado, she's gonna be here for the next three weeks

and she's going to touch on trust God, clean house, and help others. And Sarah,

thank you, David,

my name is Sarah. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Sarah. Well, see you when I come to speak at meetings, I think I'm like 5 years old. And when they start sharing, they're like, oh, I didn't think that you could offer me anything 'cause you're like five years old. But you know, I'm really, I'm just like, I'm an alcoholic and my life is just horrible without a connection to God of my understanding, misunderstanding,

umm, and without a connection to you guys. And, uh, this, I'm like, I'm like really happy that you asked me to speak David because, umm, I go to a lot of big book studies and, uh, and I, and I read the book a lot and I listen to a lot of speakers and I'm in love with like spiritual concepts, but it can sometimes soak in my mind, you know, and it can sometimes stay up there and, and I can find myself

talking about maybe things that I know or recall things that I read. And this, what this really,

umm, this workshop forced me to do was take a look at like, what is my experience? You know, it's like, what are the things that I really, and not that I don't do this anyway, but umm, it kind of pushed me to take a deeper look in terms of like, umm, what is the experience that I've had with these things? Because I've, I've always thought and such a spot to use it. It's more important that I read this book once and then put it away and never ever read it again but practice what it says every day of my life

than it is that I read it over and over again and never do what it says, You know,

because like this, like this, this is like the medium, you know, like this book has like the directions. It's like the recipe to the cake that we're gonna eat. It's gonna be the most amazing cake that we'll ever have, but it's not the cake. Like, if I ate this book, it would be horrible. It could probably get really sick. Like I'm not used to eating paper. I don't even know if I can chew it.

So, so, so it's like the way to the cake, but it's not the cake, you know? And,

and I was, I do a weekly 4th and 5th step with my sponsor and he called it like a tenth step because it's like, umm, to continue to take personal inventory. And I couple that with a nightly review. So I just, I was telling Laura who came with me that it's like, I can't wait for next week because like I am in cleaning house like all the time. It's like a little much. My sponsor sometimes will have to like

tell me to relax, like,

like it's OK, like we don't have to get that deep all the time. Like when there's something blocking me from being useful to people, like I will know, like it's very, and then I can call out the big guns. Like I don't need to spend like every moment, like making sure that I, you know, stay recovered. And, and that part is like my, not my not relying on God. And so that that really does have to, umm, do with like what I'm going to talk about today,

but OK, I don't remember what I was saying anymore.

Umm, all right, so I was going through this, I was going through this inventory and I had fear of doing this workshop. And I had been like sort of obsessively like going through the whole book and like highlighting like all the things that I want. And I was like, I was doing book first and then figuring how I can fit my experience. Like, oh, OK, this line is really good. What's my experience with that? OK, I'll talk about this. But it was like, I was like backwards. And so I was reading the fear to my sponsor and he was like, hold on, hold on. Wait. First of all, I think this is so amazing

that you are having all of this fear. You're freaking out about doing a workshop and the topic is trusting and relying on God. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a little backwards. And he was like, Sarah, it's like, whoa. He's like, I wouldn't be writing anything down. He's like, you are already as prepared to do whatever needs to be because your experience, in your experience, it's yours. It's beside you. It's totally happened. He's like, so if are you, the best way to prepare is like, he's like, I spent time meditating.

Ask yourself currently like, what is your experience trusting God and what is your experience not trusting God? And then he was like, what's 3 things you do right now to get from a place of not trusting God to trusting God? I was like, oh, OK, maybe I can do that. And I started feeling a little bit better. So I don't know if this is gonna be like a very clean kind of walk through steps, but I'm just gonna do my best to just, you know, talk about my current experience. And and most of my experience is like not relying on God. And then how it is that I get to a place

of feeling that ease and comfort of OK, I'm back in God reliance. But I have to do that multiple times a day, you know?

And

yeah, so basically, like my my experience of life without

a power greater than myself is hell on earth. Like when I spiral out my fears, like the fear Missouri format that I've been given, there's a million, I'm sure. And I have a lot to learn about spermatory. But the format that I've been given is to like, say what the fear you have is and then to continue asking yourself, it says we put our fears out on paper, whatever. And then we ask ourselves why we have this fear. So I continue to ask myself, like,

like, I'm afraid. I don't know. I'm afraid that my boyfriend is gonna cheat on me or whatever. And So what if he cheats on me? Well, then I'm gonna be really upset. And what if I'm really upset? Then I'm gonna probably take it really personal and feel like there's something wrong with me. And what if I take it personally and feel like there's something wrong with me? OK, well, then I'm gonna hate myself. And what if I hate myself? Well, then I'm always gonna be looking to other people to make me not hate myself, and it's not gonna work. OK, And what if that happens? Well, then I'm gonna feel always like there's something wrong. And eventually

I realize to like impending doom, I'll either drink and die or I'll experience hell on earth. Like I am so afraid. And that that really is like what untreated alcoholism feels like for me. Hell on earth, it's horrible. But like when I like work and, and I didn't even like work these steps thoroughly right away. Like I, I was given like just the basic kind of like principles behind this stuff. And that was my first introduction to the spiritual awakening.

But I would say that really like my big book introduction was a year ago. I was in a place in sobriety where I was relying

on people and I was in self-reliance and I didn't even realize. I thought I was doing the best I could with what AA was presenting to me. But there was so much that I was missing and there was so much that I just didn't get, you know? And

you know, I guess like what my experience and like God reliance, umm, is that it really, It's like heaven can be now like on earth, you know, so it's like how on earth to like heaven on earth, umm, and this experience of like feeling connected and feeling awake and feeling a part of the group and something that I ask myself in before I did this, I was like, what? What am I relying on God for? It's like we talk about like a reliance and a dependence on higher power. It's like, but what exactly am I relying on God for? Umm

And like, first and foremost, they keep me sober. You know, I mean, this book talks about like an alcoholic of my type needs an entire psychic change if they are going to recover from alcoholism because the powerlessness that I experience as an alcoholic centers in my mind. It's not only that I have this phenomenon of craving, you know, it's like alcohol. Doctor Silkworth talks about the action of alcohol on a chronic alcoholic is like the manifestation of an allergy. So I drink alcohol and then I experience an abnormal reaction. It's like an allergy to any other substance. The abnormal reaction that I have to alcohol is

a phenomenon of craving developed. So I was like, I really want more. So that was confusing a little bit to me because I was young when I was drinking and I really wanted to get wasted like that was the point. But the way that I could identify the phenomenon of craving happening was that after I was already as drunk as I had wanted to get something, it's like the finish line kept extending. It was no longer enough. I was like overwhelmed with this panic that it was going to go away soon and I had to keep drinking more so even

or, you know, just, you know, drinking substances that really made me feel gross that I didn't like vodka, like tasted horrible, but I would just drink it like because I had to, even though I didn't. It's almost felt like drinking against my whistle, you know what I mean? So, so that's how I really like identify the phenomenon of craving. And also that like it never felt good when I like couldn't walk anymore And there was like a guy on both sides and I'm like slumped over them. They're like dragging me home. Like that wasn't the point. You know, it's like, I wanted to go out and have fun. I wanted to feel

better, you know,

but like, we were listening to my thoughts. I give a talk in the car and I was like, I was like, get ready, guys, because you're going to hear all of this again in about 15 minutes. I'm just preparing for my talk,

but he but he talked about like there's an easy answer to that problem, don't start drinking. You know, if the problem for me is that once I start drinking I experience this loss of control for how much I drink, then the easy answer to that problem is don't start drinking.

The problem is that I keep starting drinking. That once I sober up, you know, it doesn't matter. Like how horrible the night before was, it doesn't matter

what the resolution that I made was. Umm and I didn't have a lot of experience saying I'm not going to drink, you know what I mean? I had like 1-2 week period where I was like, a friend of mine was like, I'm quitting everything. Or she was like quitting, you know, doing something. And I was like, oh, you can do that. OK, I'm going to do that too. And I lasted 2 weeks and then it was like, it was just like super casual, you know, it just was like back in it again.

But you know, it's like when, like when I sober up again and the thought to drink comes into my head, like I don't have

the necessary power to like battle it. You know, I maybe can for a little while, but like, I can't rely on my mind to be a permanent defense against drink #1 umm. And so like, what is my experience with that? Umm, first of all, today it's like we talk about like, oh, am I alcoholic? Am I not? You know, it's like, it is so crazy that if I were to ever think that it was a good idea for me to have to drink again, like in sobriety, you know, if I ever have the thought,

you know, well, maybe I was young. Am I really alcoholic?

Why? I'm 22 years old. I've been sobering Alcoholics Anonymous for seven years, and drinking almost ruined my. I almost committed suicide at 16 years old. Yeah. I was like, I thought I was. I was pregnant once. Thought I was pregnant a different time. I got 2 studios when I was 14 years old. At the same time, like, drinking ruined my life, ruined my family. If I was an alcoholic, it would not be a big deal, you know, for me to even think that, like, oh, well, maybe I can drink again. First of all, it's crazy. And I know today that, like, the drink presents itself as a solution. It's not,

but I don't have a problem with alcohol. I have a problem with alcoholism and that shows up when I'm sober. And so if I'm ever thinking or entertaining, maybe I could drink again. That's that's a sure sign that there's something in my spiritual condition that maybe I should take a look at. Am I sitting on a resentment that I don't want to let go of? Am I lying about something? Am I like acting out really selfishly in any area? Am I hurting somebody? It's like those like that's a warning sign. So be like, maybe you should take some inventory because I'm the drink is obviously presenting itself to provide some sort of ease and comfort,

which is what I usually get from my relationship with God.

But,

but, you know, so that's just kind of current. But in the past, like I got sent to a treatment center in Hancock, NY I was there for 2 1/2 years. But the first nine months that I was there, I had a they give you a sponsor. It's a program that was based on the 12 steps. It was, you know, it was like a really awesome place, but I didn't care. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to do anything. It was basically like me just like not drinking for nine months

and like I,

I just got so untreated. Like so it was horrible. And I remember I was like relating this experience to Laura. Like I thought I was going insane. Like I thought I had a mental illness. I thought that I was losing control over everything. I didn't know what was going on. I was super miserable. I was like really irritable and like anxious and unhappy. And I would

I would say the third step prayer expecting something to happen. I thought that if we said it hard enough with like enough force that I would like that God would like hear me and know that I was serious and like strike me happy. But I didn't understand that like after Step 3 is

nine more steps.

So it's like, it's like how to carry out that third step agreement if I like continue. So I was, I would go into bathroom stalls and I would either like, say the third step here over and over again, like as hard as I could, hoping that like something would work. Or I would go into bathroom stalls where nobody could see me and I would just freak out silently. I would like, I would like strain on my muscles and I would like, you know, like trying to shake out the crazy, like hoping,

hoping that nobody could hear me.

And then I would take a deep breath and I would open the stall and I would leave the bathroom with a smile on my face and wash my hands and go on 'cause there was like a shadow that had to like come with me everywhere. So there was like the only time that I could be alone. It's like in the bathroom stall. And, you know, talk about restless, irritable discontent, you know, and like, and so like, that condition, I feel like drives me to think over and over and over again that it's a good idea for me to drink. And then I do it. And then I'm just like in the cycle because every time I sober up, it's me and

in the problem again, which is me. And then I need my solution, which is alcohol. And then I can't stop and it's a mess. And then I'm sober and then I'm in the problem again. So, you know, the 12 steps are really like designed, umm, for me to, uh,

you know, for me to have a better experience of my life and, and what having a better experience of my life means is, is like living of an altruistic God centered lifestyle. Umm

and you know the 9th step Promises Read

umm OK, if we're painstaking about this phase of our development, we're going to be amazed before we're halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the passenger wish to shut the door in it we will comprehend our serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone. We will see how our experiment blah blah blah blah feeling of uselessness and solidity will disappear if you add one. I drink alcohol to the end of all these things. It's the same experience. OK, so we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

Umm. When I drink alcohol I will be amazed before I'm halfway through. When I drink alcohol, I will not regret the fats nor force to shut the door on it. When I drink alcohol, I will comprehend the word serenity and I will know peace. When I drink alcohol, yadda, yadda, yadda. And

and so like on a really good day, like this is the experience that I have, you know, in a spiritual awakening and in a relationship with God. And OK, so

let me think, so like

if I'm not in God, reliance, like what are the other options? Like what am I usually in? And when I'm usually in is self-reliance or reliance on others. So those are usually the two like deterrence for me that like keep me from trusting, relying on God. And all of my pain, most of my pain that I experience in sobriety is a result of me relying on self, which is always me holding on to a disturbance because it's serving me a purpose, and me relying on others because I'm looking to them to provide my emotional security.

And I do this currently a lot. The difference is today I have awareness of what's going on and I have a format out if I choose, if I choose to use it, you know, umm, and sometimes it's hard. Sometimes when I get like really, really upset, umm, it's not easy for me to just, you know, jump into the solution. But it is much more of like an instinct and a reflex, you know, umm, clearly than it was before. I mean, I was insane when I came in Alcoholics Anonymous. Like I was out of my mind.

Umm, I don't even know if it pertains, but you know, I was anyway. I was not the same girl sitting here. And

so, uh, so to talk a little bit, I guess about self-reliance first, umm, this was a concept that my sponsor introduced me to that I had a real, real strong experience with right after my fifth step. And today, currently, umm, I mean, the experience that I have with it has not been as strong as it was when I did Step 5, but it's something that is now like part of me and umm, and it's, and it's useful and it's amazing. And so my self-reliance

is, is composed of mostly for me, fear and shame. I mean, those are like the roots

of like most of the disturbances that I experience on a daily basis. And

and behind this idea is a belief that I have that like there's no God sized hole in me, like there's nothing wrong. And that all like the pain that I feel in my life as a result of the delusion that there's something wrong with me. And so,

and so if I believe that like God really is like in me and taking care of me and there's nothing wrong, then like this concept really works. I don't know if it will work for everybody's concept of God in this room, but I'm, it's my experience. So I'll, so I'll share it with you. You know, I mean, I could, I could behave in any way it could it any situation in my life that I could ever have.

Umm, the problem is like the disturbance that I feel about it. And the disturbance is usually trying to say something. So it's like, instead of looking at the details, I mean, I could take my inventory. If I'm resentful of somebody, I can look at where I'm selfish, where I'm self seeking, where I'm dishonest, where I'm afraid and I can recognize that stuff and I can ask God to relieve me of it. Another thing don't let me forget. I want to talk about like being just as powerless over like character defects and just as powerless over like wanting to be better than I am

as I as I am over alcohol. I hope that I'm remembering, get back to that,

but I can recognize my inventory. I could recognize where I'm going wrong and I can ask God to relieve me of those things to show me a different way to, you know, it's like a is like a program of subtraction. Like when I take away things, like what I'm left with is just like, you know, who I naturally am, which is like pretty amazing, you know, and like who everybody naturally is is pretty amazing. I keep trying to create myself. So this is really what I'm getting at. So I take a look at the situation, whatever. But then I asked, like, what is the exact nature of the disturbance that I feel

situation. And let's say that like, I, I'm afraid that I'm like not being spiritually spiritual enough where I'm like losing or I'm like feeling irritable more often than not. And I'm like losing sight of my spiritual program. And like, so I have this fear. I'm like, well, I don't want to, I don't want to like stop doing what I'm doing. That's creating all this peace. Like I need to make sure that I stay, you know, like in a solution.

So I'm having this fear. So the exact nature of the fear is I'm afraid that I'm going to like lose my spiritual like foundation.

And so my sponsor then would ask, like, what kind of person doesn't have that fear?

And like in my mind, like being like aware and familiar with spiritual principles. I might think like, oh, somebody who has perfect faith, they don't have that fear. But like, what I really believe is that the person who is not afraid of losing their spiritual foundation is the kind of person that doesn't care about practicing spiritual principles. So this fear is actually in my, in my concept, like really important to me because it is the only connection that I have to this, in this like

desire to like be a spiritual person and like be a recovered alcoholic and have a solution and have an experience that I can transmit to other people.

Like that's the agreement that I made in step three, you know, that I'm gonna like bear witness to other people by, by living life this way. So this fear is extremely important. You know, it's the only connection that I have because without it, I believe I would be different. I would believe that it wouldn't be important to me at all. So I say, well, the kind of person that doesn't care about spiritual principles is the kind of person that doesn't have this fear. And my sponsor goes, OK, well, is that the truth about you?

I'm like, no,

not even close, not even close. And all of a sudden when I say no, I connect to something much bigger than me. Oh, this desire that I have to practice spiritual principles is much bigger than me. It seems to exist right now. It seems to be here. Where is it coming from? Oh, it's coming from God. God created it. God is here. God put it here. So it's like this fear that I'm using to to connect to it and to remind myself. It's like the steering wheel to the car, but the steering wheel is not actually,

and the car is still moving. And so I realized, oh, this fear is trying to connect me to an awareness of something. I can, I can recognize that and I can connect to the thing, but then I can throw the fear away. And if I let go of fear, what I'm saying is God, I'm going to stop trying to remind myself who I am. I'm going to let go. And I'm like, oh, I know who I am. I really care about spiritual principles. And in awareness of that, I'm going to let you, God, give me the inspiration and the intuition of how to live that way,

how to act consistently to that desire. And then I'm trusting God to move through me in that way,

you know, and I'm not like relying on self to try to remind myself always who I am so that I can like do what I want to do. I'm like letting go of that whole thing. And I'm just being in the moment. And I'm, it's like being a human being instead of a human doing right. It's like, oh, I'm a human being. You mean it's going to happen. You mean God, you're going to show me how to act spiritually without my help. I don't need to help you.

OK, so so then what do I do then? I sit back and relax,

I have fun, I'm here, I enjoy the rest of the day. I can know that the truth about me is that I really want to be a spiritual person and that I'm not going to betray that. But if I'm holding on to fear, to remind myself of who I am, The thing is I'm going to always need to create fear so I can experience the fear, so I can remember who I am. So I'm always going to be betraying. You know, it's the same with shame. Like if I have shame that I'm not healthier or whatever, if shame is the thing that I'm using to remind myself that I want to be healthy,

then that I'm always going to need to do things that are unhealthy. So I can feel shameful about it, so I can remember who I really AM.

So it's, it's like, it's like letting go of this whole self reliant thought, this whole self reliant component and like really trusting that, like these desires that I really are so important to me are way beyond my making. They're way beyond my control and they're going to continue to exist without my help. And like when I, when I have that experience, I mean, that was, that was a joy that I never knew. I never knew that joy. It was just like, oh, I mean, like I literally, I didn't do a full half hour. I didn't do a full hour for step six and seven. I did 5-6

and right boom and one and one thing and then I went home and I had about 20 minutes before my meeting and I, I, I laid down. I mean, there was no reviewing. Was I thorough? I mean, I was like elated. The only thing that kept going through my head was like, thank you guys and I know you better. Thank you guys and I know you better. I had such a deeper experience of my higher power on that day because I felt like there was no longer anything for me to do. I was just like, oh, OK, I'm just going to show up in my life and like God, I'll kick in. God will show me exactly what needs to be done.

It'll be amazing. And I really trusted that, like in my heart was good, it was goodness, it was pure, you know, and that it wasn't gonna fail me. It was gonna let me down.

Umm, OK, so another piece of The thing is that, like, get in the way of me relying on God is me relying on other people. And I recently had an experience where I was cat sitting for a woman. And I think I just have to admit that I'm not well enough to do with cats. Like, like I don't want to limit God, you know, I'm sure that, like, I'm sure that like at some point, God is way more powerful than cats. And God can work through me in a way that I can be like the cat whisperer,

but I don't think I wanna be. And I think that that's OK. And I have this dear friend who I hope does not listen to the tape, that she's in the program. Don't tell her about it. And, and, you know, I felt guilty. I didn't want her to be upset. So I'm like, sure, I've, I've stayed for her. I've like watched her cats before

and she asked me to do it for two weeks and I said, OK, I'll stay in your apartment and I'll watch your cats for two weeks. And

they are Moody and temperamental.

They don't respect me. They don't listen. All they want is what they want. I mean, they're like me when I was drinking and and I have to show up and clean the litter and feed them and and be a presence of love for them anyway, you know, and talk about ego deflation, like talk about I mean, every self seeking 10. I got more angry at these cats and I have gotten at a human person in three years, right? Like it was, I mean, like they and

the worst was a night. They're they're like really fat. So they're really cute. So you wanna like cuddle with animals that are really fat and they don't want anything to do with me. And so you didn't see me. I'm running around the apartment picking them up, coming here. We're trying to get them to compare

and they don't want anything to do with me and I'm trying to force my will on these cats. I'm like, you have to understand I'm friendly, I'm lovable, love me back. I'm like, try. I like literally rolled out a formal resentment. I guess you catch because because when they didn't love me and they didn't give me validation that I was, they were like, they were like, oh, Sarah, you're back to take care of us. They were like,

I mean, I would like, this is not funny. I mean, I hope you guys laughed and you don't think I'm crazy, but I wanted to hurt them, you know what I mean?

I was like one the one cat like bit me in the wrist. Like I was leaving a message for David and I was like talking to him and she was sitting next to me. I was like mindlessly petting and I just I didn't hear her like like snaring or whatever to like not touch her anymore And she like jumps up and like clamps onto my wrist starts wagging your head. I'm like David, I just got the bike hat. That was not nice. Rika, I have to go. I wanted to squeeze her head until it pops. You know what I mean? I just wanted to kick her and I'm not a violent person. Well, I used to be when I,

I'm not a violent person, I'm very loving, caring. And this is how I get when you're not giving me love and approval. You know, it's like talk about every romantic relationship I've had talk about like, you know, needing validation from like my parents and parental figures so many times. Like I, I will self seekingly make a decision that puts myself later in a position to be hurt. I didn't want her to be mad at me, which is not about people pleasing. It's about me not wanting to be comfortable. And the whole thing is rooted and like me deriving my sense of security from like the opinion, approval and validation of others,

you know, And so I consistently, you know, I, I find myself in this dance, you know, all the time. And, and I, the way to kind of like the way that I deal with it is I have to just recognize where I made a decision based on self, you know, and then pray, ask God for help, you know, And, uh, I mean, eventually what I started doing was I started praying for the cats. I started saying the resentment prayer for the cats so I could show up and be umm and be a source of

stability and love because something that like a working reliance on God also gives me is the ability to be unconditionally loving, which I think is like really one of the points, right? It's like to be love and service is like something that a a is trying to fit us to be. You know, it's like in the in the ninth step, it talks about our next function is to fit ourselves to be the maximum service to God. And my fellows prior to that, they talk about selfish self-centeredness being the root of our problem. So selfish self centeredness, my needing everybody to provide me with love and security is

root of my problem. And so altruism, you know, and this spiritual awakening is the answer to that. And so that comes up for me a lot. I mean, my self seeking is like a lot different, you know, it looks a lot different than it used to, but it absolutely still comes up all the time. And So what I do is I just like recognize, like, OK, where am I being selfish? And, and I wrote out, you know, I, I like worked the steps on this, like resentment and it's like anger with the cats because I like, I OK, this, this beautiful line in Step 3. Umm, it says I can wish to be philosophical

morals, you know, but like, I like the needed power is not there. It's like, I can have this like ideal for like a better version of Sarah, But unfortunately I've never been able to just wake up and decide to feel better. Like, I don't know if it's like, oh, I'm making a choice right now that my life is gonna be better and I'm gonna feel better. Like if I could do that, I would have, I mean, I, my life would have gotten better a very, very long time ago, you know, before I like got to this place in sobriety where I felt so hopelessly miserable sober without a drink. Like 9 for like

once I hadn't had a drink

and, and I, and I really thought that I was like not gonna last for another second in my experience of life as it was, I needed, I needed this, umm, I needed something. And uh, I made a note for page 27.

I don't know if this is it. Umm, maybe it's in the Spiritual

Awakening

on page 567.

So I can have that page here. It talks about

he finally realizes he that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life. That's such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. So this is like so much about me getting out of the way for a power bigger than me to come move through me to help me achieve that ideal to help me like access what's already there. You know, like the goodness and the principles that are already there because I could never like

self-discipline. I could never. I mean, my mind changed me in a second. I remember when I went to my mom to be like, mom, I'm suffering. I need to get sober. I need help. I had like genuine desire. I was in pain and she was like, good, we've been looking at places. We'll send you right away. On my way out of her room, the plan had changed in my head. It was no longer about getting sober. I didn't want to get sober anymore. First of all, I wanted to get drunk even really bad. I was like, let's have a blowout

is I'm I'm going to get solvers, so let's call everybody and let's have a blowout. And then it was like, I'll go away for three months, you know, I'll go away for three months. I'll get a little physically healthier and,

and then I'll come back and I will do exactly the same things that I have been doing. I will hang out with the same people. I will drink the same alcohol. I will smoke the same marijuana. I will be in the same buildings. I will cut the same classes. I will insult and offend and threaten the same people. I'll do everything that I'm that I'm doing. Umm, but, but my great obsession was not that I could control it in a way that I control the amount, but I could control the experience to where I wouldn't be miserable.

You know, my alcoholic life seemed the only normal one, but there was something very, very abnormal about what was going on. And I was like, maybe I can just take the abnormal part and throw it out the window and then just really actually feel comfortable, you know, in what I already think is normalcy.

So,

yeah, I don't remember what I was saying, but I was talking about the cats and, and,

and

I guess, umm,

and I was talking about the cats and talking about altruism and umm,

I guess like, I guess like for me, like my experience of being God reliant is also like, it's like an affirmation that like everything's taken care of. It's like my surrendering a need for people, places and things to be different, you know, umm, in order to change the way I feel like being a victim of that delusion that like I can rest satisfaction out of the world if only I manage well, you know, if I'm like managing things and if I manage you and if you give me this thing that I think I need, then I'll feel better. It's like my like my living experience of God. Reliance is

like an affirmation that like I am taken care of. I am complete. I lack nothing. Therefore I need nothing specific from you. I am free to love you as you are. And if you're the details of your life are consistent with the details of my life, you know, then like we can like be together in harmony. And if they're not, then that's OK.

And

I so, yeah. So I just like, I recognize myself seeking with these cats and like what I needed. And it was just like a real opportunity for me to be like,

I don't like, I can be serene and content without the cast doing what I want them to do. I can just let like, live and let live, right? Just like let them do whatever they want and, and leave them alone. They don't wanna be petted. They don't wanna cuddle. They just, they wanna be fed and and they wanna have clean litter and that's it. And, and yeah. And so again, like, I started, I started to say the resentment prayer and I started to pray for like relief,

umm, of the self seeking and to like show up and be, you know, a channel.

Umm, I think it was going to start talking about, uh, the 11th, the step 11. And I know that in the 12 and 12, which I'm not super familiar with, they do have the Saint Francis prayer in the 12 and 12, umm, first step 11. And I love that because, umm, you know, it, it talks a lot about like recognition that like God is taking care of us and that like we have what we need and like to focus more on being like a presence of love and, uh, and support and security, you know, and peace, like for other people,

like those things like coming out of me. And I tried to just like practice that with the cats and, you know, and it was hard.

Umm, what time is it?

You good? You want to start off? You want to sleep or something you want to talk about?

Well, well, I talked about like my I think I covered it like my desire,

my desire to like be better or be different, but not really being able to do that without like a like a God working through me.

Let me see. Do I have anything else I want to say?

I don't think so. Good. Yeah, I think I'm done. Alright,

alright, well,

yes.