The XXXIX Gopher State roundup in Bloomington, MN

Hi y'all, my name is Palmer Graves. I'm a grateful member of Alan On

if you detect a hint of an accent that doesn't sound like Miami, you'd be right. I, I, I came via Oklahoma on the my way to to Miami. So I came into this fellowship March 5th of 1990 and I'm so absolutely grateful for that time, as is my family and everybody outside my Home group is the Kendall stepping up group. And so if you're in Florida, we meet Thursday night. Please come visit us. We do the steps and

just have a great time.

Also attend an Open A A meeting every week. I have a committed Open A meeting because sponsorship has taught me to go to a A as well. And

that's the disabled palm group in in Miami on Sunday afternoon. I'm grateful for for a a, I'm grateful that I mean, a, a literally saved my life and and I can't ever, ever pay that debt back except to when a a asks a yes. And so I'm really grateful that you're allowing me to share your podium. Thank you. It is an honor and privilege to be able to do that.

I also have to thank Brad and Rhonda for for hosting them and great host and, and I and Madeline and where are you? Somewhere up here and, and I've got some friends over here that that said they're going to throw rocks. So if you if you see some rocks flying up here, they said it's going to be done in love. So,

and, and I want to thank the tapers, you know, I, I have a drive to work every day. And I, and I know that, that our tapers work hard and, and they carry the message in a way that is unique. And, and, and I think, you know, I thank God for them every day when I'm driving because I arrived to work a more serene and

a more serene person than I would be if I were just watching traffic. So, you know, I thank them,

you know, I don't know, I don't know how I came to al Anon. I I I grew up in a home that was, you know, I was, I was loved my my family, my parents loved me, my sisters loved me. I wasn't supposed to be born and and, and I arrived and and and and they just, they took care of me. I had all my needs met and then some. You know, we weren't lacking in in, you know, finances and, and

it was a great place to grow up in northern New Mexico.

And yet that's not what I heard. I have a disease of perception. And I heard that I was, I was alone and different and lonesome and, and, and, and no good. And, and, you know, my parents were brilliant physicists and, and, and I don't use that term lightly. They were physicists in the Manhattan Project in Los Alamos, NM. And my sister was brilliant. I have this, somebody mentioned that Keith Lewis earlier. And, you know, I had a sister like Keith's brother, Dumb Danny, you know, my sister,

she graduated from high school three years early, you know, and she was a she went to one college and graduated, I mean, and, and then she went on to to Graduate School and got a PhD and it's worked at one job. I don't know how you do that. I mean, my God, I can't do it. I was the stupid one. I heard all of my teachers say, why can't you be like her,

You know, and and on inventory, I realized none of them ever said that to me. That was just the message I heard because I don't hear right. I have I filter it through my perceiver. So I was the stupid one in this family growing up. And, and it was as if the, the week before I was to be born, I was with, you know, meeting with God and, and, you know, everybody was supposed to hear directions for how to get on and living and, and I'd run the bathroom and I came back and God was,

and that's everything you have to know when you're on earth.

You know, I missed the instruction set. I didn't know how to do anything with you. You know, I was afraid. I was steeped in fear. I just, I couldn't be in a room with five people and talk. And I just, I, you know, I was just, I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I just had this hole in my gut that I just couldn't fill. And I didn't know what I, I didn't know how to fit. I didn't know how to exist in my own skin.

You know, I I don't know. I just uncomfortable. And so I waited around until I was about 13 and met up with a bunch of guys down my basement before a church meeting. And we got drunk. I had my first drink. And, you know, they say that, that, that Alma or the most normal people don't remember the first drink. I remember my first drunk And. And it was, you know, Yeah. I'm now on speaker. I tried it because maybe, you know,

these guys said here, come join us. And I don't know how to say no. So I did it

and I woke up the next morning, you know, the magic didn't happen. What Jennifer described as the magic of that, that that drunk didn't happen for me because I don't have the allergy. I woke up in the morning hungover and had to go to church miserable. And you know, my friends in AA say, you know, Palmer, you can work through that. You just got you got to try a little harder. You can get to the good stuff,

but it didn't work, you know, I just had to stay that uncomfortable with the hole in my gut. And I, I decided I'm a geographical guy, you know, I, I graduated from high school. I was sophisticated. I, I knew I was worldly. A friend of mine got busted for a lid of a pot. I knew the pot was marijuana. I was sophisticated. I just couldn't figure out why he kept it in a jar top instead of a, you know, they got these glad bags. Why not use that? You know, and

I, I don't know. I mean, I was just, I was just a kid from protected environment. I didn't know what the world was. And, and so I went across country and went to College in Portland, OR

and I fell in with a crowd of, you know, guys, we drank. It was the 70s. We, we did inhale

and, and you know, that's part of my story. The first, the first night, I mean, the first couple weeks I was there, a guy handed me a cigarette with, with hashing, the first time I'd ever had a cigarette, first time I'd ever had a, had a drug. And so, you know, I got really sick from the cigarette, but I was really into it from the hash, you know, and I mean, you know, I just, I didn't know how to say no. People would hand me stuff and I'd say, well, sure, because maybe I would be OK with you.

So I spent a lot of time in the honky tonks, a lot of time in bars and pubs and, and drinking with people and, and chasing that dream of being comfortable with you. And, and, and there's always another person on the table with me. I mean, always another person. And maybe if I did that, I would be OK with you. And it didn't work. And and so

after two years, college just wasn't working for me. It took me 30 years to get through college too. And Jennifer, and so

I, you know, I, I, I moved to Haight Ashbury and you know, the call of she was going down Haight Ashbury and, and random, she and I decided, well, yeah, I'm going to. And so I went down to head Ashbury and I was a hippie and, and you know, Golden Gate Park and, and doing all that. I mean, I did, I had my hair down my back and long beard and, and, and doing the things that hippies do. But it seems as though everywhere I go, there I am

and, and things weren't right in Haight Ashbury. You know, this was wrong or that was wrong. I could make a list and basically it was just that I'm, I suffer from a spiritual malady and I just can't exist wherever I am.

And so I left Haight Ashburn, went to New Mexico and joined a commune. And so I was living in a commune in New Mexico again and, and, and doing that deal and, and, and that was OK because my mom was dying of cancer in the hospital in Albuquerque. And so I'd go from the commune and hop a freight train down, go to Albuquerque and, and, and sit with her and, and then leave and, and,

and after a while, you know, it's just New Mexico wasn't working for him again. I,

Clancy describes it the best I've ever heard. It's like somebody snuck in at 9 and starts tightening up a spring and I just get tighter and tighter and more uncomfortable and I just can't be there where I am.

And so I went down the hospital. I said, mom, I'm out of here, I'm leaving. I can't, I've got to go. And, and we left and went to Virginia Beach, VA and, and we're going to study there. But for us, study was just being hippies on the beach and doing what we were doing as hippies. And, and you can fill in the blanks. It's a outside issues and stuff for

I'm selfish and self-centered. I just I'm selfish and self-centered. I mean, you know, I'm, I'm leaving mom and she's dying and I'm going off looking for

looking for whatever it is I'm looking for at the time. And I got a call from the state police. They go where they came down found me and which isn't a good thing when you're doing what hippies do on the beach. But they found me and said call home and I called home and my family was just coming in from my mom's funeral. You know, I wasn't there. I wasn't a brother, I wasn't a son, I wasn't a nephew. I just wasn't there because I was off chasing the dream and

you know that's come that will come back up later in my story. But I carry a lot of guilt for that. And I didn't understand that I was selfish and self-centered.

I didn't, I didn't know that was the root of my problem. I didn't know. I just, I just knew that somewhere out there, something will fix me. Something's got to be able to fix me because I just couldn't live in my own skin. And, you know, I tell my story this way because, I mean, we haven't even talked about alcoholism yet. I don't know if you say it up here, but I hear people in in a lot of areas of the country saying, you know, my qualifier and talking about why we're in Allen. I understand what they're saying, but I also understand that I am my qualifier. I marry alcoholic

because I qualify for Al Anon. I don't qualify a Fallon because I marry alcoholic women. I just.

I, I'm just crazy on my own and, and I think that that's why I'm here. You know, that's why, that's why I have a home here. And, and so anyway, I moved back to New Mexico to take care of the house and, and my mom and, and I was taking care of closing it up and everything. And I was a street musician and a Potter and I was playing music in this coffee house

for for the youngers. And that's not Starbucks, although it's not a lot different. And we didn't have Internet.

The Internet's we, all we had was, I mean, you know, it was dark. We played chess and smoked cigarettes and played, played music and I was playing music and, and she walked in.

Now if you're an outline, you know what I'm talking about. When she walked in, she got my attention immediately. So I closed down after two songs and I went over, talked to her and we began a courtship.

5 minutes later we moved in together.

My my grand sponsor says after 5 minutes you know everything you need to know. Why wait? And so,

and we did, we begin the dance and, and you know, but when I met her,

the interesting thing was for me, I immediately felt a sense of ease and comfort that I had never known. I felt the power going down to my tips. I was the tips of my fingers. I was a better musician. I was funnier, wittier. My abs were even flatter. I mean, you know, it's just, I just, I was there now. I, I used the sense that the, the term I had a sense of ease and comfort. I find it so interesting

when I read the doctor's opinion in the big book, I understand that, you know, I got a sense of ease and comfort from being with her that I had never known. And I pursued that to the gates of insanity and death. And I would chase that feeling and try to fix her and make so I could again reclaim that sense of ease and comfort.

But we had to do a lot of dancing before we got to that point. You know, I

New Mexico wasn't working for her. It wasn't working for it wasn't working for me anymore. And what do you do? Well,

we move. So we, we moved up to I had a home. We cut the lodge poles and set up my teepee on the side of Mount Hood in Oregon and started living there. And it was an idyllic time for me. I mean, it was just, it was, it's TV's a beautiful place to live, but rustic. But but it was, it was out in the woods and I had a great time and it was just her, you know, and me. And and so

it was, it was neat. But again, after a couple months,

it's just, it stops working. You know, I'm just, that's my nature, you know, I just can't stay where I am. And it doesn't matter where I am. It's not going to last very long. And so the spring started getting tightened up again and, and one working. So we moved over to Eastern Oregon

and I had my first brush with alcoholism. My sister-in-law came up and she she gave us her kids and went down to Redmond, OR and proceeded to drink herself to death. And almost and Anna, I didn't understand. I mean, I've never seen anybody abuse alcohol to that extent. I had mean in our family, my parents would buy a case of bourbon and a case of Scotch and it would last a year. And it wasn't just they drinking. It was for parties and and the only person I'd ever seen abuse alcohol was me

bodies. And I didn't understand what she was doing. And one Sunday she was in a oh, she got a job as a barmaid, which is a convenient job for an alcoholic. You know, Jennifer said it's great. And so I watched, you know, one Sunday she was her kids were visiting her and she was bleeding out of slit wrist on the streets of Redmond, or Oregon. And I didn't understand. I didn't understand. I didn't know it was alcoholism. I didn't know. I'd never been,

I'd never seen alcoholism. We took her to the hospital and then got her patched up and I took her over to a treatment center in Bend, OR 1974 and I had my first exposure to you and, and I, you know, they had these half sentences on the wall. Easy does it and I'm going easy does what you know, and and

I you know, but I could see that they had something that she needed and they could talk to her in a way that I could certainly they they knew what to say to her. And,

and so Bobby Joe came out of

this. It was a detox. They didn't have treatment centers. It was a jitter joint. So she came out and and

nobody told me to go to Al Anon. I mean, Al Anon existed. It was 22, three years old at the time. But nobody said you got to go down and on. I'm sure it was there. If they had told me, I wouldn't have gone because she had a problem. Not me. I'm OK.

I wasn't certain. I certainly wasn't ready at that time, but I'd sit down with Bobby Joe and we'd read the big book and I absolutely loved what I saw in that book. It just hit me in a way in my spiritual search that I couldn't, I didn't understand. I, you know, I didn't understand at all why it was hitting me. But it was an incredible book. And, and, and I went on. I thought Bobby Joe sovered up and turned out she didn't. But I didn't know that she went back to drinking and and

my wife and I moved to Oklahoma and we got a farm. We're going to drop out and be a subsistent farmer. And, you know, it just started getting things started getting worse. She was drinking and, and drugging and, and, you know, and I had to,

I just have this need to know. I have no defense against that need to know. And I'd start looking, I'd come home and I'd see, you know, what was in the ashtrays so I could know who had been there and what they'd been doing by which ashtray. I mean, you know, we're detectives. And so we start looking for clues and, and, and I start having to track her down at bars and, and,

and men's houses and, and do things and, you know, and drive by sightings, you know, go find out if she'd been at the bar. And then I just, I had no defense. And I keep watching and my father-in-law, you know, a neat guy. I mean, you know, he's a he, he trained cutting horses for a living, broke horses and then, you know, strong men and then vibrant and, and I used to work with him and, and he disappeared and I found him in a flop house down in

Oklahoma and again, a brush with alcoholism. And he said, you got to take me to treatment. And I saw this guy, this strongman becoming a Gray husk shell of a human and Anna and, you know, I mean, he was not in good shape and and I didn't understand again, this alcoholism. And he said, Palmer, buy me a beer and take me to treatment. I'm going. Why would I buy you a beer if I take you to detox? And

he was saying things that I didn't see. There were bugs crawling on him that I didn't see. And, and, and he needed and DTS come on. And he needed that beer. He needed that beer to get to detox. I, I bought him a beer and took him into detox. And, and again, you know, it's bewildering for us and the family because I, you know, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't understand and

my wife started drinking and drugging more and more and that didn't particularly bother me. I just jumped in and did it with her. I mean, you know, the I love it in chapter 3 where it says, you know, we drank wine, drank only beer, took a vacation, didn't take a vacation. You know, and I just, I did the same list because I thought that I was being a kind and loving husband. What I was really in fact doing was I'm selfish and self-centered and if I could only make her OK,

I would again sense that, have that sense of ease and comfort that comes from being with her. If I could just make her OK, I would be OK.

I mean, that's the delusion for the Al Anon that must be smashed is that if if I am either get rid of her or if I could just straighten her out, I will be OK. And that's the great lie. I think for me is that that, you know, for me, I was getting crazier and crazier. I I do things, you know, I remember one time she took a job on as a barmaid at a David Allen Coe concert at this The Turkey Creek Saloon is so far back in mounds they had to run a

the electricity off Honda generators because the rural Co-op hadn't gotten there yet. And Anna and so I mean, I don't know if you know Dave Allen Coe, but he attracts some outlaw kind of people, bikers and such. And and I'm a wimp, but I decided I needed to be there to make sure that, you know, whatever she was doing or wasn't doing or something. So I signed up as security at this concert. I mean, I was like, you know, what am I going to do? Am I going to go up to a big Barker and say, excuse me, Sir, would you please put your gun down? I mean, it's it's.

It's crazy, you know,

I just got crazier and crazier. I remember one time she went off to a party at the lake and I stayed at the farm and

after dark I just all of a sudden had this need to know. I had no defense against that first think and

you know, what do you do? She had the truck. Well, I got on my tractor and went up over this,

over these mounds and down these hairpin turns to do this sneaky drive by siding. But my tractor didn't have a muffler and there was no moonlight. So, I mean, you know, if I'd fallen off the mountain, that'd be it. You'd have different speaker. But I didn't even think about that. I just had to know what was going on. So I pulled up to the lake on this sneaky drive by siding with no muffler and

I nobody was there. Well, now they could have been hiding out in the weeds just watching me, laughing at me, I don't know. Or they could have never been there. They could have left and gone somewhere else. But I didn't see anybody

and I didn't think anymore. It was like, oh, OK, well, they're gone. So I just got back on my tractor and drove up and over the mountains and then back down to the farm. I mean, you know, that's insane behavior. I remember sitting at the back of a H1 night she was staying in over in Fort Smith, AR in the middle of winter

waiting to see if she turned the lights on, went out in the middle of the night. Now that's crazy. Who was freezing there doing this? You know, sitting out there in a truck all night while she was either partying or come from bed. I don't know what she was done, but you know, that's not saying behavior.

And I was speaking with time. This guy came up backwards and said, yeah, I had a stalker too. And I wanted to explain it, but you don't understand. I'm not stalking him. But but but but you know, it was I was. And so it just got crazy and, and

you know, bitter fights, bitter fights in my home. And Anna and I didn't understand. And we went to marriage counseling and they call it couples therapy today, I guess. But we went to marriage counseling and, and, and, and you know, it's I, I, I have no judgment on marriage counseling, but I, but I guarantee you that it will must, it probably works a lot more effectively if you tell them what's going on in the home.

But I have this need to look good to the neighbors

and I have to maintain this facade at all costs. And so I would not mention there was drugs and alcohol and violence and everything else going on because I don't want to let that facade down. So, you know, everything's fine. Thank you very much. And they decided that I was the problem. I mean, she told me over and over again she drank because. And then you fill in the blank. There was a raison d'soure. I mean, I don't know what the reason was today. It might be that I did A and she said if you hadn't done a

I wouldn't have to get drunk. So I do be the next day and she said no, you should have done AI mean it doesn't matter what A&B are, it's just that I was always doing the wrong thing and she had to get drunk. And the counselor agreed. They decided I was crazy.

Well I was, but I didn't know it. And so umm and so that didn't work. And I mean just it. Things got worse. I've had a a huge shelf filled with self help books and if a self help book would have fixed it, I would have been fine. But you see I suffer from a spiritual malady that I can't fix no matter what I do. And I tried everything I could think of to make her OK so that if she was

OK, I would be OK. My mother-in-law came down and she said, Palmer, is she drinking? No, Ma, she didn't drink. And, you know, got to have that. I've got, I've got that need to look good to the neighbor. We isolate, or at least we did. I mean, you know, if, if you have friends, they know what's going on in your house. And therefore, since you've got to maintain the facade, we cut off from friends. And we had fewer and fewer and fewer friends and more and more and more isolated

our home. And and we had one couple friends left and they invited us to come over and see a movie Friday night. And and so we said sure. And the Friday night arrived and and my wife said, no, I don't want to go. You go. I said, no, I'll stay. She says, I don't feel well, you go. And so I went, you know, I can follow directions. So we watched this movie. I have no clue what the movie was. It was one of those

Freddy the Freddie the 13th or I, I don't know, one of those movies that

I didn't see the movie. I was so worried about what she was doing, if she was OK. And so I left and went home. And when I got home, there was a rifle pointed out the door and she said, get the hell out. Don't you ever come back.

What did I do? I just went to the movie and and I didn't understand again, you know, this alcoholism and I don't, you can't understand it no matter what. No matter how I think about, I can't understand it because it's just not logical. And and so she chased me off to Arkansas with a gun. I was terrified.

I mean, it is. It's terrifying looking down the front end of a rifle. And

so she was filing for divorce and her lawyer called and told me to come in and have a conference. And so I got there two weeks later, 3 weeks later and and she was there and she said, Palmer, I don't know what I was thinking. I I'm so sorry. Would you please come home? I need you. And you know for the Al Anon that I need you is like a mainline shot for a junkie. And then,

you know,

I fired my lawyer on the spot and went home. Of course I would. She needs me. You know, it never occurred to me that, I mean, a normie out there might think twice about moving home with a person who held a gun on him two weeks prior. That thought never occurred to me. I mean, she needs me. Why would I not go home? And so I did. But I tell you, it doesn't get better. It it only when we're on a slide downhill. There's one way to go, and that's downhill. And we did go downhill and it got worse.

Then it got worse and, and I was just, I was just in despair, just in despair. I didn't know what way to turn. And and my mother-in-law came down again and she said Palmer,

is she drinking? Is she drugging? She's acting weird. She said You're acting weird.

No, mom, she's not drinking. She's not drugging. I think it's interesting our Odette says that the alcoholic home is is more easily spotted by the the behaviors of the spouse than the alcoholic. And my mother-in-law spotted that behavior in me. She knew the behavior because she'd been there with my my father-in-law and she knew me. And she said, Palmer, I want to tell you a story. There was a lady who lived with a bad drunk and,

and, and she came in and asked him one night, says there anything I can do to make you stop drinking?

And he said, yeah, I believe if you'd go out and dig a dozen worms and bread them and fry them, I could eat those worms and I could stop drinking. And so she very lovingly went out and dug the worms, brought them in, breaded them and fried them and put them on a platter, brought them into him. And he said, you eat half, so we'll go to any length. So she cut them in half and ate half. He went and got a bottle of bourbon and got drunk and she sent she going, why? Why? I mean, I got the worms. I ate and I ate half

and he said yeah, you ate the wrong half.

I always ate the wrong half. No matter what I did, it was always wrong. I I didn't know what to do And she said Palmer, you got to go to Allen on you've got to go to Al Anon. And my response was something like you have right or something. I had plans. You know, I had dreams. My wife said that if you you're at work all the time, if you would just

be home, I'll be OK. And so I came home, quit my job that's easy to fix and came home. But then we were broke and and I was there all the time. And that was bad. And she was, you know, it was the wrong thing to do again. So I had this plan. I'm going to go to the University of Oklahoma

and get my job, get a job as a teacher so I could finish. I mean, I had a high school diploma, that's all. I had no education. And, and I know because I've been the stupid one. Why would I, you know, I drop it out of college and, and, and so I decided that now if there's teachers in here, please understand, I was sick and deluded, but I thought that, well, I could get jobs, a teacher. And you know, I work from 9:10 to 3:00 and take my summers off. It's an easy gig and I can be home. And then I'm a teacher now, so I know

that's not true, but that's what I thought. So I went to University of Oklahoma to get a job again, a degree, teaching certificate and and so I'd commute, it's a three hour drive. I'd go up Monday morning early, get up at 4 and drive up to the University of Oklahoma and come back Thursday or Friday, depending on my class schedule

so that I could be home. And I did that. And, and one Thursday night we had this bitter, bitter fight over the telephone. And then I, it just, I didn't know what I I hadn't, I hadn't, I didn't know where to turn. I just didn't know what to do.

I was out of options. I just, I didn't know what to do. And what my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law told me came to mind. You got to go to Al Anon. So I looked in the phone book and I couldn't find Al Anon in the phone book. I probably couldn't spell it. A A is easier to spell. I found a A in the phone book

and I called a A. And I thank God for fellowships like here and in Norman, OK and other places where the family recovers together, where there's al Anon A a aladog alicat Alatin altogether.

And they handed the phone to somebody and she said, Palmer, I think we can help you come in.

And they met Sunday, Monday and Wednesday in that group. And this was Thursday. So I went home to the farm and I came back up Sunday and March, Monday, March 5th of 1990, I walked into my first Al Anon meeting.

And the only thing I can tell you as I was home, I, I was home. I was, I just, I just was home, you know, and, and, and, and people met me at the door and they, they, they shook my hand and welcomed me and brought me in. And I didn't hear very much that night. I, I heard the three CS that I didn't 'cause it can't cure it and can't control it. And that was so astonishing to me.

I thought that I had caused her to drink. I had been told over and over and over again that she drank because I did or didn't do something,

that it was my fault. The counselor had told me it was my fault, and they said no, she drinks because she's an alcoholic, and that's what an alcoholic does, and it's a disease. I didn't know about the disease of alcoholism. I didn't know about the phenomenon of craving.

And I was relieved. I just, I was immediately I felt this sense of peace come over me. It's like I'm OK and, and I didn't hear much else, but I just remember that feeling of being safe and being loved. And I'm just, I'm just forever grateful for that group. And they hugged me at the end of the meeting. Now, that doesn't seem like much, but you got to remember if, if you if you get an image in your mind of Charlie Manson, that's pretty much what I looked like. I was scraggly, long beard, long

dirty. I smelled and I walked in that door and these women gave me a hug and said, Palmer, you keep coming back. We need you. Oh well, if you need me, I guess I could put this in my schedule.

So I did. I started coming back every time that room was open and

and I say these women because there were no men in Al Anon when I came in. Now that's not true. It's only again through my perceiver, but there were no men in that particular group or the groups that I have attended. It was only women and I started getting this sense of terminal uniqueness. I thought you don't really understand. My case is different. You know, I'm a guy in year women in the alcoholic home and one of the old timers. Thank God for old timers. She pulled me aside,

fingers in my chest, said Palmer. You listen for similarities, not differences. And I heard my story, You know, I heard these women telling my story, and they're a bunch of old women. I mean, you know, they were 40 years old, maybe. And

younger than I am today, but you know, thank God for these, these gals. And then, you know, they, they kept hugging me. They kept telling me to come back and they, and they gave me a job. You know, I, I got the job and like Dick, I was the ashtray washer and I was happy to be the ashtray washer and I was really good at it as well. And I loved that job and it kept me there. I mean, you know, you know, in, in the groups that time, you know, even if you didn't smoke, you smoke because the air was so thick that, you know, everybody smoked.

And so the ashtrays at the end of the meeting were pretty nasty. And I'd wash them and I felt like I had to be there to wash the ashtrays. And I remember

like Dick too, that when they took me off that job, they had tell me, well, you're being promoted to coffee cup washer, you know, And oh, well, if you're going to give me a promotion, I mean, we had to wash coffee cups because we had China coffee cups. Now China, they're not elegant. They were little nasty old brown ceramic mugs. But

but I washed them and then I got I got I was given a the job of setting up and they gave me a key to the a a room to set up. And you know, God, I felt so I mean, it was an amazing feeling to be trusted in that service position of giving a key to the room. And and and so I mean, you know, the Alanos met in the back and and the as up front and and alotines were in another room and, and, and by the way, let me say

I am so grateful to see the Alatins here at this conference and being here.

I love alotin and I love seeing you participate in being in recovery. So thank you for being here. I love watching running around the conference. So

one of the things they did is they started talking about you got to get a sponsor, got to get a sponsor. Have you got a sponsor yet? And then, you know, it's like, no. So, so one time this guy did come through and I found out there were men and Alan and I asked him to sponsor me. And so

I tell you, sponsors do weird stuff. He he, he, he'd listen to me in a couple for a couple meetings. And then he said, Palmer, I want you to do a gratitude list. And I said, you want me to do what? Have you not been listening to me? I mean, it's just, it's, it's bizarre because well, back up a minute. You know, I I, I had been going to Al Anon for three months,

commuting back to the farm. And one night

my wife got I don't know what was going on in her. I don't know. But it was we were having this bitter fight and she was standing over me with a butcher knife. I was laying on a cot and she said, Palmer, you've got to go to sleep sometime. And when you do, you're a dead man. And,

and I, I, I had reached this point of despair where I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't care. I was in despair. Just, I mean, absolute, utter despair. And, and, and I had in the morning, I woke up

and I realized that I had attempted suicide the night before. She was the instrument. I don't know what happened to her. Maybe she never meant it. Maybe she passed out. I don't know. But I knew that

I had attempted suicide from that sense of despair. And I also realized that that, you know, these people in Al Anon have been telling me, you know, I kept asking, do I go? Do I stay? Do I stay? Do I go? What do I do? And they just laughed and said, or they smiled and said, when you know, you'll know. What do you mean? When I know, I'll know. I woke up that morning and I knew

that it was done, that it was over and I could not stay any longer.

I could, I couldn't stay because I didn't, I don't know what I was doing to my son. I don't know, you know, I didn't know what I was doing to her. I just, the relationship was done and I left and I was, I was homeless. I had a truck guitar, an extra pair of jeans and an extra shirt. That's all I had. And so I got in and, and I, and the sponsor said, I want you to do a gratitude list. I'm saying, what do you mean? You want me to do a gratitude list? You know, and, and, and he said, why don't you go home and write one thing for which you're grateful?

And so I went home and I was working on this gratitude list. And I thought and thought and thought and I spent a couple of hours trying to think of something I was grateful for because, you know, being homeless and, and, and all of this and, and, and finally I wrote on the gratitude list, I'm grateful I only have to write one damn thing on this gratitude list.

And that's all I could come up with. And I wrote that and I took it back to him. I said, well, that's going to finish this. And he's, he just pulled the rug right out under me. He said, Palmer, that's great. Now I want you to write two things.

And then it was three things, and then it was five things. And, and after a couple weeks of doing this exercise, I woke up to the fact one night that I was grateful. I had a truck, I had my guitar, I had an extra pair of jeans, I had an extra shirt. Nothing in my life had changed

except my attitude. I had taken some action suggested by sponsorship, and the results had followed doing something that I absolutely knew would have no effect. I had contempt prior to investigation. That was an important lesson for me. You know, my sponsor tells me to do things all the time that I see no way that they're going to do any good. And yet I take the action because I know that he's been where I am and will

and knows the way out. He knows the solution. And so I take the actions. I jumped into the the program and you know, every time it was open, I was there. I went to Alanon meetings, I went to AA meetings, I went to big book studies, I went to literature studies. I was just if the door was open, I was there. I fell in with some friends and was moved in on their couch and they had of course they just come out of a halfway house from

and and treatment and and who else am I going to find? You know and.

And it was a magical time because we were reading the literature, we were studying, we were talking, we were having meetings in the morning, meetings at lunch, meetings in the afternoon. And then we'd go to meetings and, and it was just, it was an amazing time. And and