The XXXIX Gopher State roundup in Bloomington, MN

Hello everyone, my name is Magdalena and I'm a grateful member of Alan and

thanks so much for having me here this afternoon. I want to thank Jeff for asking me to speak. He's you know, he's such a perfect person. You know, he's very good in writing, very detail. And thanks a lot Jeff and and Madeline for hosting me this weekend and Palmer and Donald, Vicki's husband, your present delegates husband when he picked me up. So she's very good because she delegated

her husband to come and pick us up. So good delegate. There was some

what it was like, what happened and how it is today. I am from Mexico, so that's where my heavy accent comes from. I've been in the US for many, many years and you know, my accent doesn't go away. I think God likes it and so he wants me to keep it. So

my first alcoholic was is my father. He's like I said, we're from Mexico, from Ensenada, Baja California. I,

I, you know, my parents

met when they were about 15-16 years old and I think my father was already an alcoholic when they got married. And, and my mom, I am the first daughter of six girls. And every time my mom, my mom, my dad always wanted a boy. And but my mom kept having girls, you know, and my, my, I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.

My father was not too happy about my mom keep, you know, she kept having girls. And so every time a child was born,

he will say, oh, another prostitute, another prostitute. So we grew up thinking, I grew up thinking that I was a prostitute.

And then she named me after, after my, my, my grandfather. His name was Magdaleno. So they just changed the O2 and A. And so nobody ever, I never met my grandfather and I wanted to know more about him because I was named after him. And so I asked my mom and mom, how come you know what happened to my grandfather? Nobody ever talks about him.

And she said, well, nobody talks about him because he was crazy.

I said, oh, God, OK, what was wrong with him? And she said, well, he drunk too much. So they didn't know what to do with my grandfather on those days. And and what they did a cure back then, you know, for to work with. The problem was they build a box in the backyard, you know, like a big box. And they stuck my grandfather in there, and they had a little door like this, you know, and they fed him through that little door.

And his only friend was my father. So my father started drinking with his father when he was about 8 years old. So when they met, my father was already an alcoholic. And and, you know, I like to think that perhaps that was a cure for alcoholism back in those years in Mexico. You know, you just stick them in the backyard in a box.

So

and my my father's that kind of alcoholic who's very violent. He just hated me for some reason. I have always had a big mouth too, so that didn't help. And my father used to, you know, tell me in the morning, Largo chana. It's doesn't really mean anything. It's something ugly and long. And I have always been tall and skinny all the time since I was a little girl. It's Here's a Tamil Argusona.

Get up and go get me a bottle of tequila.

And in Mexico you can buy tequila when you're a little kid. So I will go to the liquor store. I was about 6-7 years old and I will, you know, go to the liquor store and get him this big bottle of tequila. And on my way back, I remember being very angry at my father because because of his drinking, I always hated his drinking. And, and so I will get to the house and say, here's your tequila.

And, and, and then I will say, well, you know, why is it that you're drinking tequila?

And I can remember the last time I had milk. You know, all we eat is beans and tortillas every single day and you're drinking your tequila. So my father used to get very upset and used to pull out these little black leather belt. And he used to just hit me with the belt and just hit me, hit me, hit me. And I remember putting my arms up, you know, trying to protect me. I was this little skinny kid

and, and, and I would put my hands on in front of my face so nobody would know that I was being beat up. But you know, you can only hide it so much.

I will go to school with belt marks all over my arms and my legs and, and I will go to school in the kids didn't want to play with me And they, they will look at me. You know, most kids in Mexico are short and chubby. And here I am tall and skinny and with belt marks all over my body and, and the kids didn't want to play with me. And they, and I will get close to them. They said we don't want to play with you. You know, you're, you know, look at you,

you know, you got beat up again and, and you're so tall and then you smell like beans.

And I did because we didn't even have a toothbrush. You know, so really young in life, I got into yoga. I was six years old and I got into yoga and I will, you know, sneak out of the house to go learn yoga. And, and my father didn't believe in education, so I was not allowed to go to school. In order to go to school, I had to sneak out of the house and and I became vegetarian really young

and and I was this great kid, you know, looking, taking an inventory. I was a great kid

and many times living in alcoholic home, we believe what the alcoholic tells us. So, you know, my father will say you're stupid, you should not go to school. You know, you should be selling food on the streets. So I believe, you know that I should be selling food on the streets and I should not go to school. But, you know, taking an inventory now that I mean, when I arrived to Allen and I was this great energetic kid who was bright and just wanted the best of life, but I just didn't know how to get there because the alcoholic,

you know, the disease was always in my life. So I, so I remember

I started dating and oh, before that, you know, we're still here. I'm still a kid, OK, I'm not dating yet. And

I, I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents on my mom side, You know, God always takes care of us. It doesn't matter how bad the situation is at home. By taking an inventory, I may, I was able to see that I had this wonderful grandparents and I love my grandparents. I used to spend the weekends with them and, and I remember going to, to my, to my grandparents house and, and I think their job in life, you know, God sent them in this world, I think just to love me because they

love me. They call me me Negra, which means my black girl. I was pretty dark when I lived in Mexico, but you know, I live in Washington now and the sun doesn't come out very often. So I'm pretty light now.

And so anyways, I remember going talking with my grandma and and there was my grandma and she was making tortillas, flour tortillas and and I remember just talking with her and and she will give me a tortilla. I will put butter on it and I would just eat it. And I just felt the love from my grandmother. And then I will go next room with my grandfather and there was my grandfather. I thought he was just.

Amazing guy in, in, you know, in the world. And my grandfather was so smart, so smart. You know, I thought he will, he had all these books and he will read them and tell me stories. And, and then after he told me story, I will sit on his laps and,

you know, then he will start talking to me in Japanese and Chinese. And he told me he'd travel all over the world and I would just, I loved my grandfather, But well, I was sitting on my grandfather's laps. I was helping him clean the seats out of the marijuana.

I would rather join for him, you know,

and then I will like he will light up the joint and say here you want to take a hit. And then I was saying no, grandpa does things, you know, stinks. So anyway, so

my father is this kind of alcoholic who will just vomit everywhere, you know?

So watching my my father get drunk, throwing up everywhere and watching my grandfather smoke pot, you know, every single day. And he was like a hippie. I guess

he didn't shower very often.

So I've never been hired drunk in my life. You know, I belong in Allen and thank God there is a place for us.

So

anyway, so I am but I I just I thought, you know, I didn't want anything to do with Alcoholics and and and but I love addicts. You know, I'll because it reminded me of my grandfather. And another thing that, you know, growing up, we lived in this tiny little house and and it was a two room house and the bathroom was outside. And my father used to tell me in the morning Largucciona get up and sweep the floor

and I will look at him with these eyes that I just wanted to kill him. And I will say, you know why it's a dirt floor. You know, it didn't make sense to me, you know. So once in a while my father used to get this remorse, you know, he became remorseful for some reason and he would go outside. We had no electricity, no running water, and he would just go outside. And his father had left him this machete,

and he will grab the machete

and just go outside. And my mom used to say, go see what your father is doing. And my father was, you know, ready to kill himself. And I remember not saying anything, you know, just looking at him, hoping he will do it, You know, just a little deeper, Dad. Come on a little deeper.

He's still alive today, you know,

like he's still drinking. So anyways,

my father is my father and he suffers from a disease that is a, a disease that not everybody gets. Well,

you know, so it's OK.

One day my father came to my mom and said, you know, oh, another thing, my father, you know, my father is about 5455. He's he's, you know, he's short and big belly and big head, curly hair. He's ugly, you know, and, and my mom, she's 511 like I am. She's gorgeous. I think my mom's just gorgeous.

But my father was always having affairs. You know, in one time this, this, you know, one, one day one of these ladies got pregnant and my father came to my mom and said, you know, I'm seeing somebody else. She's much younger than you. And you know that I don't love you. So you need to live and take your five kids with you.

So not knowing what to do, my mom started looking for work in Mexico. There was number jobs. You know, my mom was in her middle 20s and she had five kids, five kids. She had a 6th grade education and and that's the best she could do and and nobody will hire her. And she said, you know, she came to me. I was 15 years old and said

can you take care of your sisters while I go to the US and find a job? And I said sure, mom, she would suffer a job as a nanny in in a house and taking care of these kids. She was a maid. And so my mom came to the US illegally and she started sending money to Mexico. So we were eating a little better. My father's alcoholism progress because that's what usually happens. And he started,

not my mom not being around, he started looking at us like we were women and not his daughters. So he started touching my sisters in inappropriate manner,

started spying on me when I was getting undressed and, and I got scared and I got scared, but I got mad too. And I wrote to my mom and I said, mom, this is what's going on. And my mom knew because she had witnessed that in the past and, and she would say stop it, stop it. And my father will just laugh and and you know, we'll stop it for a while. And it's just insanity in the situations in an alcoholic home. So

anyways, my mom said, well, if you want to come with me and live in the US with me, you're going to have to drop out of school.

And I said I said I will do it mom. Because see I, I have stayed back in 3rd grade 3 * 3 times because I just could not learn anything. I remember reading the books and trying to trying to learn something. But you know, I'm reading a, a book and, and the words are dancing in front of me. I just cannot understand, you know, what's going on. And, and while I'm reading, I'm thinking about the problem, you know, am I going to have something to eat tonight,

get beat up again? Will I be able to go to yoga? You know, stuff like that. And so anyway, so I did not learn anything. I told my mom, mom, you know, I, I don't care. I just stopped school. And, and so, so anyways, I came to the US and I came like most Mexicans do. I jump the fence. You know, it came illegally

and

and so

I came to work and I at a chicken farm and in this chicken farm, you know, they had rows and rows and rows of chickens and under and they, they had about 20 chickens in each wire box and under that chicken, there was a chicken poop. So when immigration came to take all the illegal aliens back to Mexico, you know, some of the, some of my coworkers,

we'll run up the hill and some of us will hide in the chicken poop. You know, so I was one of those who hid in the chicken poop. And I remember sitting there, sitting there in the chicken poop. And you know, when you're sitting in the chicken poop, there's worms in there, there's bugs and they stick to your skin and you're like, gosh, there's another one, you know, and, and so when I didn't hear any more noise, I will come out of the, of the chicken poop and I will try to clean myself. But

the chicken poop is a little soft. It's creamy, you know, So I will stick to my skin and, and I just feel so bad. I was 15 years old, I had a lot of acne and I just felt like nothing, you know, I, I just felt like nothing. I was I was the reject of this world and my father was no longer in the picture.

And, and even though the alcoholic is not there, you know the insanity that Step 2 talks about,

you know, all those tapes will, will come back. You're a prostitute, you're stupid. You should be selling food on the streets. You're dark and in, in the friends, you know, my, the, the kids that I play with in, in those days, they would tell me that, that I look like a dog. And, and then I remember barking myself at the mirror and, and looking at, I had a dog back then. And, and, and I looked at the dog's lips and I looked on my lips and, and I got touched. We do look alike, you know,

So would you tell a kid that that stays in the kids mind. So my father was not there anymore, but those types were running. So I went to my mom and I said, mom, you know, I, I, I want to have friends. Can I go to Nike school? And she says, sure, you can go to Nike school, but you can't stop working. So I went to Nike school to try to learn English. And that's what I saw. The most gorgeous, gorgeous guy in the universe.

There he was, you know, he was tall, he was beautiful. He had long hair

and he had a lot of friends. And when he walked, my whole world stopped, you know, there he was. There was nothing more gorgeous than him

and and so by now I had one friend, one friend, and every time this guy went by, because he had a lot of friends, all these guys always followed him. He was very attractive to both sexes.

And when, so when every time I saw him, I will, I, I will throw kisses at him, you know, and push my friends. So he would think it was her, but he found out that it was me, you know. And so one day I was at the park with this friend and, and this friend and then he called me over there. He was with all of his friends and he called me over. And after we introduced names, he said, would you like to go to a concert tonight?

Like, oh gosh, I wonder what that is? I said, sure,

this is in 1975 and Bad Company was playing in San Diego. And so I went. I, you know, he came to pick me up and, and he had this little Nova and because he was always with a lot of friends, I got to sit next to him and he, you know, he was the driver and I got to sit next to him and, and because all of you know, he had all these friends. So I look in the back seat and it was full of people. You know, they were on top of each other.

And this is before the seat belt loss, you know,

So I, you know, key, they started, OK, He put this eight track player

in the stereo, you know, and this loud music came out and, and I like I said, I had never listened to English music. So I was like, oh gosh, I was so impressed. And then he started, you know, they started passing the marijuana joint and, and it passed right in front of me. And I remember taking a deep breath

and thinking, I'm back on my grandfather's labs, you know,

and they pass it right in front of me. And I said, oh, no, thank you. And but then I thought, you know, I can roll them for you if you need help, you know,

since I had years of experience.

But it was our first date, so I didn't want to be too pushy, you know,

I didn't want to get dumped the first day. So we dated for two years. And in these two years, you know, he tried to kill me a couple of times because he was high on acid. But, you know, this guy had a bad life in Mexico. He his mom abandoned him when he was a little boy. And he grew up on the streets. And I think by age 1011, he was already in jail. And I thought, you know, this guy needs love, you know?

But when we get married, I'm just going to love him so much that he's going to stop doing drugs and he's going to stop drinking, you know,

but of course that's not what happens. That was my illusion in our, in our Allen on book how it works. It's it talks about dilution that we live in in, and I had a illusion that I could, I could, if I love him enough, he would stop drinking. And so we dated for two years. I got pregnant and, and we got married And, you know, I thought the problem was done. I also thought, you know, used to think when we get married,

we're going to live in a nice, in a nice area in Rancho Bernardo, which is a higher class neighborhood. And I don't know how I got this idea, you know, that we're going to have a nice house and, and we're going to play tennis in the weekends and we're going to have two nice low riders park outside, you know, but we never had a low rider.

The disease was too much, too big. And but we had this beautiful little girl

and she was the most gorgeous kid, you know, And I hope we all feel that way of our kids. And, and I just, we, we had a lot of problems, but we were so happy that we had this little kid and we named her Mirabella, which means look at the beauty. And we just love this kid. And I remember looking at my daughter and holding her up and thinking, you are just so beautiful. You're part of your dad and I, you have both of ours,

you know, in one little piece of a person. And I made the promise that I was never going to hurt her and I was never going to let anybody harm her because she was my precious child and I just loved her. And I, and I meant every word that I said. But you know, I didn't know that by living with Alcoholics, I have become sick too.

And all my concentration started on what the alcoholic was doing and not doing and how to protect,

protect him from wherever he was going in or prevent him from wherever he was doing. And, and I stopped taking care of, of, of my daughter and, and my sisters. By this time they were now living in the US And I would take my daughter to my sisters to take care of, take care of her. But see, by this time my sisters were drinking. They had joined

dangerous gangs, they had their own low riders, they had their own life and and they lived in this Dark World and, and,

and I will take my daughter to be under care of my sisters. And so my husband's alcoholism progress. And now he was, you know, shoplifting because he was now using heroin. And I was shoplifting with him because after all, he needed a supportive wife. You know, I heard that in the good and the bad. Well, I might as well join him, you know. But I never got drunk, you know, and I never been, I never use any kind of chemicals.

And so anyways, I started getting upset because he was not coming home. And I, I remember standing by the door and waiting for him and, and try to keep him in the house. And every time he wanted to leave the house, I would just stand by the door and say don't leave me. Because when he left my world left, you know, my happiness left, you know,

he made me feel good. And, and when he wasn't there, I feel,

I feel terrible. And so

he was everything to me. And so, so I didn't want him to live in, but then he will live in. And I would just remember standing by the door waiting for him, waiting for him, waiting by the window. And by this time it was 234 in the mornings when he will finally come in the house. And I was so mad. I was so mad. I will go to the kitchen door, grab a knife and just wait for him, you know, and he will come in the house like nothing. And so I was so mad. I would try to kill him, you know, kill him

and he just we got in this big fight. My daughter used to come out of the room crying. Mom, mom and I would grab my daughter and just throw her in the room. And, and, and the neighbors used for some reason, we always live with other

people who were drinking or using drugs lived. So the neighbors used to come upstairs and say, Magdalena, stop, stop. And I remember with this knife, holding up the knife. And I will say, if you don't leave, I'll kill you too, you know, and they would just leave. It's like just I was crazier than the alcoholic, you know. So anyways,

one day I thought, OK, this is not working. I'm beating him up, cooking good meals, not cooking good meals, bailing him out of jail,

shoplifting with him. Nothing was working. So I thought, I'm going to have a boy, you know, and I'm going to have a boy and now he's going to stop drinking, you know, So I had a boy and he didn't stop drinking, you know. And when I had my boy, my son, you know, I was as happy as before. And I made that same promise. And I and I, and we named him after after him after my husband Carlos.

And and you think that because somebody names a child after you, you will stop drinking, right? It makes sense to me.

But he did and he continued to drink. And so one day he, the judge, you know, he was always in jail. I was always bailing him out. And one day the judge told them you either go to treatment or you go to prison. So he said I'll go to treatment. So he went to treatment. And that's when I was introduced to Al Anon. And I remember going to my first meeting

and, and just sitting in the room and looking at everybody and,

and I, they said, would you like to share? And I said, well, I want to know if I should allow my husband to drink because see, he's not an alcoholic, he's an addict. And this really nice lady looked at me and she tapped me on the shoulder, said, dear, keep coming back.

And see, I didn't want to see that my husband was an alcoholic because I thought addicts were higher class, you know,

and I didn't want to see that I was married to an alcoholic, someone just like my father. But I could smell it, you know, I could smell it. But the denial is is just so thick. So

anyways, my husband went to treatment and I, you know, I, I didn't go back to Alan because I didn't get the answer. And and I want, I just wanted to know how to stop, you know, have stopping from drinking. And, and I also thought, you know, I was in this

eagle, you know, the false eagle, you know, my sisters were gang members. I was married to this tough guy who was full of tattoos and he was always in prison, that false pride. And, and so I didn't think I needed Alan on. So six months went by. By this time, I'm still an illegal alien. Every time, every once in a while, I will get deported. I will, you know, get back in the country. I remember standing by the borderline and looking at both sides of the of the

fence. And if I didn't see any Border Patrol officers, I will run and run and run to the other side. And when I didn't get arrested, I was disappointed. And I will go back and do it over again, see, because I am addicted to excitement. I love excitement. I just, it just fills me up and thank God for service, you know, because service gets me so busy. I'm like, oh, it's so, so busy that when I go to sleep, I just pass out. You know, it's like, oh, I

today, thank you God.

So anyways,

nothing was working

and and on this, so I decided, I told my husband, you know, why don't we move back to Mexico? He said, you know, we can come to the USA. By that time I had learned a little bit of English where I could just cross the border and say that I was AUS citizen. And he said, well, whatever, you know, he just wanted to shut me up. And, and so we moved to Mexico and, and that's when

I used to drive 120 a 140 miles a day just to keep him away from his friends. And, and my husband got out of treatment and started using again, drinking again.

And during this time I decided, you know, I thought, well, gosh, we're away from Mexico. He's got new connect. I mean, we're away from, from his friends. He's got new friends in Mexico. I'm all along with the kids again in I thought, well, I'm going to take karate classes,

you know, that's going to stop him from drinking because he's tall as I am, you know. So I remember taking this karate classes and when he will come home to bed, you know, I remember because I had learned some kind of serenity. I thought, you know, I will be in bed waiting for him and as soon as he walked in the bedroom, I will get up and go.

I wanted to cut him in little pieces, you know, and so I could get some rest. And so he's like, you know, whatever. Are you done with your show so I can go to sleep?

And so one day I was, I was driving this 100 and some miles a day and, and, and I was working in a factory. I was working 12 hours a day and all my money was going on bail in the alcoholic out of jail. And, and things had gotten worse in my home with my sisters. Some of them were married to addicts or Alcoholics that were beating them up. And,

and my mom had a new boyfriend now she had another girl

in this new boyfriend. And my mom were now selling drugs to my husband. My, my husband and my grandfather were getting high together. And there was just no, you know, there was no way out. How do you get out of this? How do you get out of that situation? There was just no way out. And one day I got in the car and I put my kids in the in the in the car and, and I started driving 100 miles an hour and I said, I just want to die. You know,

there's just nowhere to go. Where where can I go? I couldn't go to church because the God of my understanding had left me years ago. You know, he was a punishing God. I couldn't go to a psychologist or a counselor because, see, I thought that only

counselors only saw people that had boogers coming out of their nose and saliva and there was no boogers coming out of my nose or saliva. So I didn't belong there. There was nowhere for me to go nowhere.

Only suicide was the answer. And on this day, I was driving with those kids and for the first time, it's like I woke up of a nightmare. My husband was on the passenger seat and I look at him and I didn't know whether he was alive or dead. But in that moment, I no longer care. You know, I had had enough. I had run out of ideas and I didn't know what to do. I looked in the back seat of the car and there was two kids there

and their hair was long

and they were super thin and they no longer smile. They had this sad look on their eyes. And I thought, my gosh, how did I get here? What happened to the promise that I made to those kids that I was just going to love them and care for them? You know, I used to beat up those kids and I said, how can I get out of here now? What can I do? And in that moment, I remember Alan and I remember in the first meeting that I went to, it wasn't in Alana Club

and they had the slogans and the steps and the traditions. And I remember the only thing that stayed in my mind that meeting is keep coming back and First things first, First things first. And in that moment, I, I, I saw my kids and they were first. And in that moment I made that decision that I no longer care for what, what happened to the alcoholic. It was the kids and I. And in that week, I made that decision to move back in the US

and I let go of my husband and he went to prison for a long time. And I went to Alan and in, in, in this in this second meeting that I went to, I was ready to do anything the program told me to do. And, and the program said, you know,

read the literature,

keep coming back, you know, make phone calls, do service. And I can't remember the other one, but it was five things, five things. And, and so I always stay connected, you know, talk to people. And so anyway, so I kept going to meetings and I started, you know, I remember my first meeting, I was just shaking. I was so cold. My, my hair was long. My husband used to cut my hair

while while he was drunk. So you imagine how I looked when I went to my first meeting. I had holes in my jeans. I was, it was 1984. I was still dressed in like in the 70s and and I had a long shirt and a big jacket. I was just shaking and my hair was all over my face because I was so ashamed of what I had done. I was ashamed that I was a bad daughter, a bad mother, a bad wife,

a bad student, a shoplifter, everything, everything. And I just sat there in, in, in my heart was so cold, so cold. But you know, everything happens for a reason. I went to this meeting and and, and there was it was a small room, but there was a lot of people there. So I got to sit in the middle of two people and these two peoples, their shoulders were touching my shoulders

and my shaking stopped and my heart started warming up

and I started feeling the love in the meetings. And I heard get a sponsor. And on my third meeting I went up to this man and I asked him if he will be my sponsor. And I asked him because every time somebody share he will acknowledge the person that was speaking. And, you know, when we live in alcoholic homes, our literature talks about

that. We speak the different language. You know, I remember trying to understand what the alcoholic was saying or why were they laughing? Why are they laughing? You know, I don't get it. It's not funny what they're saying,

you know, but we speak different languages and so on. Anyway, So I when, when somebody spoke rough listened to them. And, and so after the meeting, I went up to Ruff and I said, will you be my sponsor? And Ralph looked at me and see I hardly spoke English. I didn't speak English. I I couldn't understand more than I could speak. And in this meeting they had the unconditional love that we saw much talk about. They didn't care where I came from or how I

worked. They just, you know, wanted me to be there because that's what Al Anon is all about. You know, we help one another. And so after the meeting, I went up to Ralph and I said, will you be my sponsor? And Ralph looked at me, and I didn't know Ralph was from England. Ralph has this strong English accent. And hearing from Mexico, I can't speak English.

And Rob said, well, we'll give it a try, you know, And Ralph and I started getting together three times a week. And I started,

you know, we start going through step one, Step 2, step three. And Ralph and I started getting together in the park. I needed a lot of help. And I learned that I no longer I could no longer leave my kids in the care of the alcoholic of my alcoholic sisters because, you know, my kids were coming home with cigarette burns on their skin. And I thought my sisters are not doing that. But see, it was no longer my sisters. It was the deceased who was there. And so I learned that my respons

was to take care of those kids. So I started bringing my kids to the park with me, and my kids will be playing while Ralph and were doing step work. And I learned that I couldn't change anybody, but I could change. I learned that when my father was saying negative things about me, he was really talking about how he felt. So I learned to have empathy for the alcoholic. I learned that

the disease is so powerful that it just

projects into others. We got to, you know, step three is like God was in charge. You know, God was in charge. And so we got to step four. And I started telling Ralph, you know, Ralph, you know, I'm stupid. You know, this is what I did and

Ralph said, you know, Magdalena, you are not stupid. And, and I, I was telling him all the horrible things that are wrong with me.

And he said, Magdalena, you need to stop, He says. And then because we were in the park, you know, he talked about the bird. He said, what do you think about the bird? I said, I think it's beautiful. It's like it was a curl and, and,

and he said, do you think the bird gets up in the morning and looks in the mirror and say you're so dark your feathers are out of place? Sorry, one leg smaller than the No, He said that bird gets up in the morning and goes and does God's will. That's what you do. He said God loves you just the way you are.

It could say you got to respect the children of God. You do. You are nobody to judge the children of God and that includes you. So you do not judge yourself. And, and so I, I learned that he also told me that

this life will be pretty boring if we all look the same, you know, so anyways, I, so I used, I have always enjoyed exercising. So I remember going for a run and in the past, I remember running and if somebody passed me, I would say, oh gosh, you're so slow. Look at it, that guy passed you again. But now, because Ralph told me I couldn't do that anymore. I, I started, you know, when I was running, I was, I was saying to myself, Pretty Woman running down the street.

So I started, I became a part of the world, you know, not different. I became part of uni of the universe. I became part of you. And one day they gave me that great honor to be the coffee person. And I was just like, Oh my gosh, this is so great because I learned I couldn't keep it unless I give it away. And so I was worried. Is there anything I can do?

And so in this meeting, they used to give me two or three dollars

and for bottomless coffee, right? So I will I will take two pots of coffee, go to the next room and give $3 to the Alcoholics. And that's when I was introduced to sovereign members of AA. It's like, that's how Alcoholics look like, you know, that's sovereign Alcoholics. So in, in, in that I will give them two empty ones. He will give me two full ones. And the guy will say, dear, if you need more, just come back. OK, I go. OK, So I was just, so

then, you know, I later became the treasurer, even though they knew it was a shoplifter, you know,

they allow it to be that treasure.

There's no alert in meetings in at that time in that town where I live. And so I started out at in meetings. There was no Spanish meetings. So I was like, this is the answer to my family's problems, you know. So I started meetings in Spanish and nobody came, you know, I'm sorry. None of my family members came, you know, but other people did. And, and I started feeling better. I started feeling stronger.

Kids were, you know, went to Alatin in in,

you know, I remember telling my kids and my kids used to every time I got close to them, my kids would go like this. They were afraid of me and I just felt so bad. And and they, you know, they they were now in Ality and and I remember telling them, you know, I need your help. I need to learn how to speak with you. Can you tell me when I'm screaming?

And then, you know, they had no problem telling me. They say, mom, you're screaming again. I'm like, I'm sorry.

I, you know, I learned in Allen on how to speak with my kids. You know, they, they would say, I would tell them I don't know how to talk to my kids without telling them what to do. And, and my friends in Allen will say, Magdalena, go for a walk and listen to your kids. Listen to what they have to say. You know, listen to them and, and don't say anything. And, and I remember

listening to my kids way of thinking their thoughts and and and their inspirations, their aspirations in life and, and their joys and their pains and, and

the miracle began to happen and I started having a great relationship with my kids and my husband came out of prison and decided to go to.

I had learned that my kids were first and one day

I learned that, you know, I give my kids a bath. I read him a book and I and I go to bed and I learn something new every day. You know, in that Just for Today pamphlet talks about

just for today I will not be a mental lover. So every day I need to learn something new. And so so I will go to bed and read and read something. And one day my husband was having a bad day and he came home and said, well, gosh, you're just not paying enough attention on me. You know, if you don't do this or whatever, I'm going to go out and get drunk. So I said, you know, make sure you lock the door on your way out, OK?