Step 10 at the Denver Unity Fellowship's 12th annual retreat in Sedalia, CO

Ready. All right, we'll go ahead and start here. My name is Leah. I'm a sexaholic. I am convinced I'm a sexaholic and that's that's critical. But this is the step 10 study. And I know we were talking before the meeting started, there were a couple guys in here ahead of it. And you know, this step actually, in my experience can be worked, you know, pretty early, even before you quite got the 4th step or things like that done. And

I think the reason is because

it, it involves kind of a snap inventory taking it where I've been wrong and trying to understand that and admitting the wrong. So I mean, it light goes on, right? I mean, we get in recovery. And so, and I also look at kind of the, the steps is building a course of bricks, you know, like a brick layer does you, you kind of have your first step course. You're still working on you, you got that course the rest of your life as far as that goes. And you got second step pieces you're putting in and you get third step and you get, you know, you get, I mean, the 4th step is a formal thing, but you're actually

seeing that awareness and trying to come to grow. And so there's a, what I'm trying to get at is there is a 10 step brick here, you know what I'm saying? Even if you're not past the first step, for example. So that's what this is about. One of the things that struck me in the book, I'm just going to read a few paragraphs here. There's one little section in the book on page 133. It's always struck me about the 10th step. I mentioned last night in my talk that I, I, I don't think I would be still married if it wasn't for the 10th step of really trying to look

my part and then trying to admit that, you know, she knew I was sorry. I said I was sorry a lot before sobriety. If you know, I was a sorry dude, you know, but

when I started admitting that I was wrong that I did that and I know I'm sorry for the harm done and I am going to try to do better. That was a lot different up in a minute. And that's what the 10th step is about trying to do that. But there's a story in the book on page 133. It says I'm the key. I'm just going to read that story of goes on on 2 pages here.

The following is a story from 1 member's experience that illustrates the change of attitude that is the key to this most important amends making principle in our program. And here's the story. I finally had it with my wife. She had to get help to change herself or else. Married to her for years and now sober, I guess I knew when she was all loused up. I had her diagnosed as a television addict, rebellious, blind to see herself, and powerless to change. The description sounded disturbingly familiar,

but I was too sure of myself to think it could ever apply to me.

I had her nailed and felt pretty strongly about the whole thing. It was an ultimatum. Shape up or ship out. I left for the weekend on a fishing trip with another sexaholic to get away from the whole situation. On the way home, I'm finally talking freely about our identical problems. The light dawned. I was the key in my attitude was wrong.

I was waiting for her to change, not really realizing that my very attitude made that impossible.

The woman is united to me, good or bad. She is united to me spiritually. I don't understand this, but when my attitude is negative, rejecting sensors, she is united to my spiritual illness. I saw that if God had waited for me to shape up before He began working out for my recovery and healing, I'd be lost or dead. When I was still defective was when He was doing the most to call me back. I see this now looking back on the whole,

he was patiently leading me out years before I had the slightest self-awareness and honesty at my lowest. He was leading me with his most magnificent selfless love for me in spite of my wrong, because I was defective and powerless. And this, I discovered on the road back from the lake, was how I was to treat my treat and love my wife. Not as a wife, but as another person in the program.

Whether she was or not,

I was to treat her as God and others have been treating me as my essay friend. And I drove back from those honest hours together. My attitude changed

in returning. I could tell from her first response to me, that first cautious glance, that she responded to my change in attitude toward her. She sensed it. Unspoken, She knew it. And just as suddenly as I had changed, so did she. I could feel it.

My negative had changed to embrace her, whatever she was and whatever she, whatever she was change. The woman is united to me. I don't understand this. But now, instead of being united to my resentment, fault finding, condemning, rejecting spirit, she's united to my own healing.

I don't want to be, but I am the key. What I am is what I get in the measure I give is the measure I get back. I pray God for the willingness to take this key and unlock the door to love seeing that story. And that's,

it's always struck me, you know, early in sobriety, it always was. It ticked me off, frankly, that why couldn't I just be in a bad mood and just kind of have my little grumpy stuff and not affect the whole household? Because it would, it would affect the whole house. It would affect my wife, my kids. And why can't I just have my little space to be? It didn't happen whenever I wherever I was. It was amazing how the household was led

into that,

umm, on the positive side, just like this story was. And so I don't understand it either. But it turns out that I am the key. And you know, maybe it has to do with the scriptural things about being head of the household in a spiritual way. I don't know. But that's, it's neither here nor there. The fact is my evidence, it shows that I'm the key and I'm the one in recovery. You know, that's, that's that makes it respond to me responsible. And I've seen now recently, I don't know if you guys were here last night, but I was talking about how my wife and I are and

getting counseling here and kind of renew that whole awareness and healing between ourselves. And you know, I'm finding that when I went into that counseling with an open, of course, I went in there, you know, obviously, you know how it is, you know what I'm going to say to fix her. But but when I surrendered that at the door of that counselor's office 2 weeks ago and just went in there and said, hey, look, here's what I am, Alcoholics, sexaholic. I've been compulsive,

you know, I've had rage, you know, and she's had to live with, you know, I just kind of put that out of the table. Just here's the deal, you know, here's who I am.

It allowed her a chance to open up. And yes, 60 percent, 70% of what she talked about was how she had to live with me, but not in a, she wasn't angry, but she just talked about what it was like living with me. And I listened to that. But there was that little 30% that she said she know, I know this is my stuff and my childhood and things like that. It was neat to see that miracle. And then we went back the second time and 70% was most on her stuff, you know, trying to understand herself awareness. So I'm seeing it happen to me in living color here even

couple weeks that if I can surrender that attitude towards my spouse,

amazing, things change. And even bosses at work. By the way, if I could just find out attitude about the boss at work, things start to change there too.

So the other thing I did here, I've got a handout for you guys here. Umm,

there will be a quiz at the end.

I'm going to pass those around and just bring around the circle. What I did

in the past week or so is I took the a, a big book. This is all plagiarist plagiarized. I took the a big book and I looked at page 84 and 86 where they talked about the 10 step in there. And then I took the whole 10th step of, you know, the 12 and 12, page 88 to 95. And what I did was I, I took a pen and paper. I just outlined key, key aspects of that whole thing

about four or five sheets of paper. And then I sat down and said, OK, what does this all mean? How do I kind of take both those pieces and put it together? And here's what I came up with is this outline here and the top of the outline. Really, if you look at the main outline there, it says we need to spot, we need to admit correct. And then we receive.

And it's kind of a neat summary. I spot my defects on a daily basis or hourly basis. I admit them. I work towards correcting. And then the ten step promises come in and I receive in this one level deeper here on some of these bullets here. And then we'll open it up for sharing on this thing here is that, you know, during the day, the 10th step is done a couple different ways. There's during the day when I'm just going through my day and all of a sudden I get that belly button barometer thing like, oh, oh,

wasn't a good thing. I just got out of conversation and I may have slammed somebody or I just sent that e-mail off and it's like, I thought I should have thought about that e-mail, try to work the retrieve button. It didn't work.

And that's one aspect is the is the through the day and then the other one is at the end of the day. And I do it only for about a minute or two at night because usually I'm pretty darn sleepy, to be honest. But I get on my knees every night. I thank God for keeping me sober. I usually pray the our Father. I pray to our Father too. And then I just reflect on the day. Just looking at kind of summing up the day. Usually it's a lot of gratitude. Usually I'm thanking God for various aspects of the day.

Morning, Gerald. And then I, if there's something that I need to correct, you know, I try to think about that and nine times out of 10 it's something with my wife or whatever, something, you know, whatever I was kind of like grumpy or whatever it was. And try to look at that. And so anyway, this gives you a little bit of outline is lack of self restraint, looking at that

selfishness, dishonesty, fear and resentment. You know, those are outlined, underlined because of a big book talks a lot about those. Where was I dishonest, fearful, resentful? And then, you know, stuff I struggled with through the years is where I was like quick tempered, you know, just that reaction instead of response. And then something I love and I haven't given up yet and I'm working on in my 6th and 7th step is the power driven argument. You know,

I heard AI was going to share this tomorrow, but I think it's appropriate to share this in this context. Here is that I just sat with a guy

had a knowledge deal. I was working, I was getting my truck work done. This guy was at this auto deal and we just started having this conversation and he ended up telling about a class he took with John Wooden basketball coach. And and in that class he brought up this guy, as it turns out, picked him from the audience. He and John Wooden threw him a basketball and he caught the basketball and John said OK. And then he had a he had a pro basketball player with him and he gave the basketball to that pro and the pro threw the ball and about blew his hands off. I mean, this, this Tony, I was

just like couldn't believe how fast this basketball came to. And John said, OK, which path did you want to receive? The one from me or the one from this fellow? He said from you, obviously he says, tell you what, you're going to have all kinds of people in your life that you're going to be interacting with. And if you throw the basketball the same way to all of them, you're going to you're going to hurt people.

You have to adjust how you throw the basketball.

And for me what happens 9 times out of 10 is I work during the day

and we're in our environment, professional environment, we can throw the basketball pretty hard to each other. We're just solving problems and debating and you know, not agreeing with each other in a constructive way. When I get home at night, if I throw that bicycle the same way,

it about blows her knuckles off

that. That was a powerful story. I just heard that a week and a half ago and I'm trying to get that through my thick head. You know, how am I throwing the basketball? So the power driven argument doesn't work at home.

The pride constructive criticism, I put that in quotes there. I always loved doing that. I still do feeling superior, you know, looking at that whole deal. And then the the one I adopted last year for a little while was sulking, silent Scorn, which was my sponsor, told me to leave my wife alone.

So I thought he meant you just don't talk to her at all. That's not what he meant. He said

no and making unreasonable demands, expectations of others, emotional hangovers. So anyway, after the spot then we have to admit, and this is where I take into my own self and maybe with my sponsor and just try to look at that self examination. You know, a big book talks about drawing up the balance sheet of the credits. You know, the good things we did right and the gratitude we have for, you know, being a channel of God's lover. And then the debt, the debts, you know, where do we do wrong? What were our motives? That's another really powerful

thing for correcting because, you know, I can be making these wrongs every couple weeks or whatever, or whatever it is. And if I don't understand the motives behind it, guess what? I'm going to keep doing that same old thing. That's the insanity of it, right? And then where are we disturbed? Anger, jealousy, envy, pride. Her pride that I can't get caught in the big shotism. Do we make others our God? I do that

make my boss God or even my wife God. And this is the one I put in big letters because it's one I'm working on at least right now.

But I was amazed to hear that see in the 12 and 12, this is what he wrote in there. He says watch for rationalization are ancient enemy

and talk with the sponsor another and then here's a neat thing too. And this is the power of the imagination. And God gave us this as a gift.

Visualize how what we might have done better,

you know, and I'll think about that. You guys probably have that too. Is that after that, you know, that whole thing is blown up. Go upstairs, talk. And usually for me, it's the next day. To be honest with you, I usually can't see it that night, but I wake up the next morning. I'll be thinking about the interaction with my wife and I go, you know what?

I could have said that whole thing differently, you know, when she confronted me about something I could have said, you know, honey, I'm not seeing what you're seeing right now, but I'm going to think about it, be open to it. And, you know, I'm sorry. It's it's disturbed you right now. And let me, let me, let me go look at that. Yeah. That would have been a whole lot better than, you know, No way. You know, whatever the stuff for the basketball back at her, right?

So the visualization how I might do better and then the correct abandoned fear and hatred and embrace love,

make amends quickly with honest regret for harm done. I kind of like that phrase. My sponsor gave me that and I worked at an amends with my daughter recently and he's he told me make sure you know harm done. We don't use that word very often, but the harm I regret any harm I've done to you

and then practice restraint of tongue and pen and I added emails. I always say don't send the first three, the 1st 2 emails you think of,

write those first two emails and then re edit or send a whole new e-mail of that third one because usually that's the one that's the most constructive. And the and the big book says this is our number one priority is this restraint. And that's that's my wife would be laughing right now if she was watching this workshop

keynotes to harmony and others it talks about in there is show kindness,

tolerance, understanding and above all, love. You know, and what is love? You know that's a classic, right? Many songs written about that. The best definition I heard was from Saint Thomas Aquinas. Love is the unselfish willing of good for others unselfish willing of good for others. So if I want goodness to happen in your life, that's one aspect of love.

And if I do it in an unselfish way, which may mean giving,

may mean being quiet, not having to be right, whatever it is, it's an unselfish willing of good for another.

And then something that's, uh, tough to do in the heat of the moment is step back and think, now this is in the corrective phase,

but pause when agitated and ask for direction. Thy will be done. And it also says that see that others are emotionally I'll and frequently wrong. I rather like that line.

The next thing is forgive, love and tolerance is our code. There's a there's a line in the big book that essentially says this in a different place. It says, you know, we see, we see that these people are sick people. And I always, I always remember that line. Yeah, my father-in-law is sick as anything or whatever.

And then at the next line I didn't realize was there, it says we need to see how we can be helpful to these people.

Anyway, love and tolerance is our code. And then we remember that. And this is in the 12 and 12. It says this growing in love will take time and you will experience the pains of growing up. Now, I don't know about you guys, but as addicts and almost our society trained us this way is that when you see pain, you run the other way, right? I mean, that's I don't know about you, but there's even though there's these things like no pain, no gain or whatever, right? But man,

uh, but in this process, we're going to see pain growing up. I'm seeing it right now. And we ask forgiveness and we forgive ourselves. And then as a result, there's these things, You know, there's a lot of promises in the Facebook. There's a fifth step promises. There's ninth step promises that we read in our meeting, but we don't talk much about this. There are some tense promises. And after you've gone through steps one through 10 and start to live this, here's one of the things we'll find that we have cease fighting anything or anyone

and even lust.

We will seldom be interested in acting out. If tempted, we will recoil from it as a hot flame. That's true. I'm seeing that we will react sanely and normally and we will find that this has happened automatically. Of course, you work your butt off on the steps. We will see that our whole new and whole new our attitude towards lust and acting out will have been given to us without any thought or effort. It just comes. That is the miracle of it

and this is how we respond as long as we keep and fit spiritual condition. And that's what this is all about,

trying to live on a daily basis. And even just a quick one on that, you know, before we open the meeting up, our whole new attitude towards lusting, acting out,

you know, I have, I mean, you know, I'm a sexaholic and that means that there's a deep desire to control and enjoy lust naturally. And so I've had to struggle over the years with, you know, going on a business trip and then there's the TV and turn it on. It's like, you know, get away from that type of stuff.

I've gotten caught into different things like that a dozen, dozen and a half, maybe two dozen times over 21 years where I get something. The Internet wasn't around when I so I clicked on the Internet probably 8 or 10 times over the last 10 years and gotten to places like, OK, let's get the heck out of here. But I did it and I got out. But I, I got into it in the 1st place. And what I'm trying to lean towards is that.

Most of those times,

yes, there was the fire that got lit, but there was other times and it's been, you know, what's happened more recent when it slipped into that where I get sad.

I get sad for the women that have allowed themselves to be in that position. I get there's a sadness and I never had that sadness before when I was looking at the penthouses or whatever. So what I'm trying to say is, yes, I'm still sexaholic. I'm a man, I'm still sexaholic. I still see the the nice looking women woman. I'm like, wow, OK, God please bless her. Take my lust and move on.

But there's also when I've gotten deeper into that darker and when I've fallen into that darker place,

umm, the attitude has changed where all of a sudden I'll sit there and go, man, I just feel sad and God bless these people. And then I'll click the red X or whatever it is and say, let's get out of here. And, you know, and then I, I call somebody and I'll talk about her, talk about her in a meeting and look at what was motivating me to click on that in the 1st place, of course.

But the idea that I'm sad was never, ever there before,

you know? So that is a promise that's coming true slowly by slowly for me too.

So I'm the key, you know, my willingness is the key in my wife relationship and my relationship with God. And this 10th step is crucial, crucial to it. So I'm just going to open it up here and let everybody kind of share their experience, strength and hope. Or if you have some questions or whatever, we can discuss it. Thanks.