The topic of Trust God at the Westfield Big Book Workshop of the Spiritual Awakenings Group in Westfield, NJ

My name is Bill. I'm an alcoholic. Hi everybody.

It's always good to be at this meeting.

I can't say this about every meeting, but I do have a a respect for this meeting for its solution focus. So I appreciate that. So I just wanted to mention it up front.

I was asked by the group to speak for three weeks. The first week which is tonight will be

trust God, next week will be clean house and the week after that will be help others.

So umm, obviously week two and three will be a lot easier for me than week one Trust God. That's a hefty topic that I will try to cover as well as I can.

The thing that I find interesting about those three sayings or whatever you want to call it, is that all three are interrelated. As I see it that as I help others, I

it's a little bit easier to trust God. As I clean house, that contributes to my ability to trust God.

As I trust God, it makes it easier for me to help others and so on. You know, I mean,

I,

I guess the saying was originally attributed to Doctor Bob.

I think it's kind of interesting. It's an interesting saying.

You could say that it encompasses the 12 steps. Obviously there's a little bit more than just those 350 statements, but

sort of a, it's sort of a, it's an attempt at a synopsis of the steps.

And what I'd like to do tonight is talk about how I came to trust God and then I'll talk about trusting God in general for a little while. So

I was looking for something out of the big book but I couldn't find it. I was going to start with that but I couldn't find it. I

trust God. It certainly was not anywhere close to that for most of my life.

I I find it interesting that I

as I more and more was able to trust myself. As I more and more was able to be more honest and more and more was able to be unselfish and more and more was able to

contribute in a positive way to life and to others.

Coincidentally, my trust in God factor improved,

so I sort of see it as interrelated. I I would also say that

another way of saying trust God is the trust is the trust life, because I think life is where God sort of interacts with us.

I but let me start at the beginning. I, I came from a religious family. So the God thing was definitely on the table pretty pretty upfront my whole life,

my whole pre adult life, let's call it. Because as soon as I became an adult, as soon as age wise I became an adult, I wasn't really living at home with my family anymore. So and then some would say that I still haven't grown up, but I am 51 now. So I guess at some point

adulthood happens against my every wish. Actually

now, since I came from a religious family,

a religion seemed to work for my family. I shouldn't say that religion seemed to work my family religion definitely worked for my family, but it didn't really work for me. I

because I can't say that these things were said to me, but what I got from religion is the judgmental God, the the punishing God. The

God is something to be feared kind of concepts, and I today believe all of those to be completely untrue and couldn't be further from the truth.

I don't believe that I'm judged for my I don't believe that I'm punished for my sins. I believe that I'm punished by my sins.

There's a big difference as far as I'm concerned. It seems to me that when God created all of us, if God knows everything, then God created us in a way and knew ahead of time what was going to happen. And why would God judge me for something that he probably knew that was going to happen?

And what I see has life and what I see as how I interact with life or how I interact with God or whatever you want to call that.

What I've come to see is that

is that I've never been met with anything more than love,

and that sometimes things didn't happen the way I wanted them to. But

in in recent years, like let's say the last 15 years, which is when my spirituality really took off,

what I've seen again and again and again and again and again to the point where I don't even have to wait to get out the other side. What I've seen again and again and again and again and again is that

is that when I go through forced painful change,

I always come out the other side the better for it.

As long as I use the experience in in a spiritual way, or rather, as long as I use the experience to learn and grow spiritually.

And I know that's heavy and maybe it's controversial, I don't really care. I'm talking about my experience right now. But it wasn't like that in the beginning. I,

you could easily say that I had issues with God,

had issues with God the first half of my life, or maybe my third, my first 2/3 of my life.

Because as I looked at it from, from a rational mind, rational being very questionable in my case, but in looking at it from my perspective, which was shady and scary to to, you know, to an extreme,

you know, why, why did babies die? You know, why did good people lose their arm?

Why did,

why did you know, husbands or wives die way too early? Why did people lose jobs and go through? Why were like, children abused? Like, like, you know, that that seems like God's screwing up to me if you look at it from a certain point of view. And that was the way that I looked at it for a long time.

And umm,

it's interesting to me because what I found is not to get into the inventory part, but what, what I found

a, is that the, the route, if you were to take, if you were to take all your fears and boil it down to one, if you could take all your fears and get it down to its lowest level. What I've discovered for myself is, is that where fear comes from is that God can't be trusted and that he doesn't know what he's doing and that I can do it better.

And that's, that's a scary place to live from. And every single person here has experienced that, whether you're, you've become aware of it or not.

I it's, it's, it's kind of interesting because

we wake up in the morning with a plan and then the plan doesn't go the way we want it to. And then, you know, that doesn't that mean that God's screwing me? I mean,

but what? But what I don't see is that everybody else wakes up with a plan and, you know, I mess up their plan. So, you know, it's all perspective really. It's kind of interesting to me.

I've really discovered that

it's a nightmare to believe everything you think.

And I want to repeat that because that's, that's my message. That's my message to the world, is that it's a nightmare to believe everything you think.

Every problem I've ever had was because I believe the thought.

Every problem

and.

And it still wants me. It still causes difficulty for me,

but it's a little bit easier now. Most definitely

now. So I come from a religious family and

so I was given a very heavy dose of religion and God,

but it was also a heavy dose of dogma and you can't believe whatever you want.

And that was the beauty of what I found when I came to a, was that the second step says that

we came to believe in a power greater than ourselves. So if it's a what, what there's a little asterisk next to Step 2 that nobody ever sees. And the asterisks is, is that you can believe whatever you want to believe, as long as this thing you call God or whatever you want to call it higher power unsuspected in a resource,

the the creator,

whatever, whatever you want to call it that as long as it's not you.

And

when I came to a, that was a really important, that was a really important emphasis. And

for the first time in my life,

I was allowed to believe whatever I wanted to believe.

So AA showed me more respect in that area than my family and my religion did, or my families religion. I can't really say I shouldn't say that that was my religion because

I I didn't pick it. I was forced to go, you know what I mean? And

I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that I can't really say that I picked it now

because of this

concept that I had of a higher power.

Life was very, very difficult

because I was surrounded by things that I couldn't deal with. I was surrounded by people that didn't act the way I think they should. I was surrounded by events that happened that I didn't appreciate. I saw things that I couldn't come to terms with

and I didn't want from that perspective, from that incorrect perspective. I didn't want anything to do with whatever it is that created that. So you could say the the end of my alcoholism in the beginning of my recovery's,

I didn't pray, I wasn't a nice person. I did whatever I wanted to do.

I was ruthless. I was ugly,

I was manipulative, I was extremely pissed off and I was extremely afraid and I was extremely filled with guilt and remorse. There was stuff that I did

and that was, that was why I turned to alcohol and drugs because alcohol and drugs helps to escape from that craziness, that inner turmoil, that extremely uncomfortable in your own skin.

So I personally am grateful to alcohol. I I don't know what my life would have become if I didn't discover the magic escape button called alcohol.

And I know I've been sober now 21 years, and I know for a fact that if if I get to be too uncomfortable, that once again alcohol will work again.

Because it always did and it always will. Because I'm an alcoholic and alcohol works very well.

But.

I use alcohol to escape from this inner

separation. Let's call it this inner unconnectedness this. This struggle with life, this agreed. This disagreement with life. This. This

you in the world isn't acting the way I want it to

and I need to consider another way besides my own

because. Because the minds idea of a good day is an entire day where I get my way And how? How often has that happened, if ever? You know what I mean. How often does that happen?

It's not a, it's not a useful system, it doesn't work, it's never worked. But the mind is really good at sort of

holding a carrot out and saying, but if you, if you get the, if you get this car, then you're going to be happy. If you get this house, then you're going to be happy. If you when the, when the kids go to college, then you'll be happy. When the, when I reach retirement, then I'm going to be happy. And there's this constant carrot that's being held out.

But what's not noticed is that the mind is really good at

disregarding that there were previous carrots that when you got it, it didn't make you happy. But then it comes up with another one. You know, I mean, it's, it's almost like, you know, let's say, you know, getting a house is your ultimate goal. You know, you've, you've strived your whole house, your whole life to get a house. And

then you get the house

and now the bills start coming and the lawn starts growing and the pipe bursts and the neighbors aren't cooperating. And then all of a sudden, this thing that was supposed to make you happy has turned into

your your biggest spiritual teacher. But you don't see it that way then. And then it says, but OK, you have the house. But maybe if you got a house in a better neighborhood or in a different area or a different state, you know what I mean? Then it just keeps throwing up these carrots,

but it never, it never gets there. It never ever gets there,

so you live a life of misery.

And the mind justifies it.

And you turn to the mind again for the next carrot.

And it never worked. And, and so alcohol for me, for alcohol for 13 years was, was

my escape tool. It was my coping mechanism.

And then the, the coping mechanism called drink then becomes a worse problem than what I'm trying to escape from in the 1st place. And now you got, you know, to deal with fights and you got to deal with

arrests and you got to deal with losing jobs. And you got to deal with the nightmare of losing another one that you loved and the nightmare of the looks from the family and from the friends and even from people that you don't know. And

you're in this tailspin called alcoholism.

You don't really notice that. What's really going on is, is that

after a period of time,

the escape isn't working anymore

and now you have these drinking problems because you can't drink a little bit when you start, you have to drink a lot.

It's party time

and then you live. I live that way for 13 years. And then, you know, everybody knows that you have a drinking problem. Everybody knows that there's something way off and

you know that you can't stop.

And then you come to, you come to, you know, in my case, you know, I went into my second rehab and I returned to AA because I had attempted a a few times. And but this time, you know that, that, that you can't drink,

but you,

not you. But my problem was, is that I knew I couldn't drink, but I thought that drinking was my problem. So not drinking was my solution. What I've now discovered is, is that

the needing to escape from being separated is the problem, and drinking was actually the solution, not the problem. Drinking was the solution to that feeling separated and then that coping mechanism just made life worse. But now I'm left with not drinking and I'm still separated.

I'm still separated from dealing with life. I'm still separated from from. I'm still miserable because you're still not acting the way I think you should. Life is still not happening the way I think it should. And I'm still thinking that this carrot that the mine throws out there as you'll be happy if

happens still isn't working. So what, what, what? What do we have? What do we have? What do you do? I can't drink and I can't not drink. What would there? There's there's only two things. You either drink or you don't drink. When neither one works, what do you do?

There's no door #3

and um,

that was when, um,

that was where I found myself. 3 1/2 years in sobriety. I can't blame alcohol anymore. What I came to see is that I can blame alcoholism. I can blame the separation that that drove me to that, that, that I use drink to escape from. But it's still that way.

And, and that drove me to the steps

because for the first, because for the first time, I realized that that this isn't about alcohol.

And you know, just recently I had a little bit of a debate with somebody and

a comment was made to me that, you know, this is about alcohol, you need to keep this about alcohol. The person, the person said that to me, they they should have known that. I'm very opinionated and I'm very informed.

And and

it is not about alcohol,

it is about sanity, which is mentioned in Step 2. It is about conscious contact, which is mentioned in step 11. And it is about the spiritual awakening, which is mentioned in Step 12.

That's what it's about. This is not about not drinking.

If we could not drink and and be OK then why would we need to go to meetings?

I didn't drink for 3 1/2 years and I was not okay

and I needed to find another way. So I'm, I'm, I'm grateful for that stupidity and I'm grateful for that insanity.

But I found myself in 3 1/2 years sober, but I couldn't blame alcohol. So I knew there was something else. And that was when it was explained to me by by this,

this huge man,

he was not only a big man, but he was a quality man.

And there aren't a lot of quality people.

But I was fortunate enough to watch one before my eyes. I was fortunate enough to watch his life change and I saw him change from a scumbag into a quality man. And I couldn't figure it out

because you see, I knew good people. I knew people that were good, but they were always good. They were just good people. I couldn't relate to them. I didn't like them particularly. They they held up the mirror to me and I wasn't a good person. So I I didn't like being around good people and I came from a family of good people. So I ran screaming from them. But now I saw at an AA meeting this guy that was a complete loser turned into a winner.

And when you see that with your own eyes, you cannot deny it.

And and I said to him, Sam, you know,

I know something happened to a year ago. And what was it? Because I'm insane. I'm losing it. I hate life

and I'm supposed to be and I'm sober. Like this is how it is sober.

This totally sucks. At least when I'm drinking I'm not feeling it all the time. When you're not drinking, you're feeling it all the time and it sucks.

So that was when he explained to me the deal.

And what do you explain to me was is that

there's some

emotional, mental, spiritual and psychological aspects of alcoholism that is left untouched unless we seek a spiritual solution

for our alcoholism.

And I have to be honest with you, when I first heard that, I was pissed because why is this news to me?

This is about not drinking, isn't it? What are you talking about?

I thought that alcohol, drinking alcohol, is my problem, so I thought that not drinking was my solution.

And that was when I started seeing the depths of our problem, which is, like Chris would say, a whole lot worse than we ever even imagined it could be.

If if anybody here can get with the slogan, your best thinking got you here, if you can even get with it, just in a minor way, your best thinking got you here. My best thing got me here for your four or five times. My best thinking. My best attempts at life

got me here three or four or five times,

and that's what, and that's what I found myself up against my best thinking again, either taking me out there, taking me out there at best, or keeping me progressively miserable at worse. And there's a there's an expression that is not compatible and that is that being sober and miserable is not,

is not

a reasonable option. But that was how my life was. I was sober and I was miserable,

as so many of us are.

And that was when I I saw the depth of the steps,

or rather, I shouldn't say I saw the depth of the steps. I saw the importance of the steps. I saw the need for the steps because before, prior to that, I thought it was about not drinking. I thought it was just about alcohol. But I, I now saw that it wasn't.

I now saw that, you know, I'm up against, I'm up against this thing called the mind that that is not my best friend.

I I saw, I saw that I was a manufacturer of unhappiness and I still can be.

And I didn't want to live there anymore.

So that was when everything changed for me. That was when that was when

it was pointed out to me that that I, I desperately need the steps and that I desperately need a a better perspective on on God and life

because my way wasn't working and I needed to consider another way besides my own. That's how I put it. I needed to consider another way besides my own. Now when all you have is the mind, how can you possibly do that? Consider another way beside your own.

Well, that's what the steps are all about.

And that's why the steps were originally written and originally practiced to be done immediately and quickly,

as a famous old timer used to say. When when he was asked, when do I get into the steps? He was told if you've stopped throwing up your your little late.

And

you know, we do workshops now and we take people through the steps. And

you know, this group mentioned in the opening, you know, if anybody wants help, we can help you go through the steps. Please, I desperately appeal to you. If you haven't done the steps, please do so immediately.

There's a bunch of people here that would really love to help you with that.

And then maybe you'll stop hitting on our girlfriends

and then maybe you'll, you'll begin to have a life because, you know, I've heard speakers talk about, you know, you know, a a gave me my life back. I didn't have a life before. A a a a gave me a life. It didn't give my life back. I didn't have a life before. AAI didn't have a life before conscious contact. I didn't have a life before

I began to consider another way besides my own.

There's a line in the book that talks about, you know, gradually things got worse. And that was what it was like before I discovered alcohol. That's what it was like while I was drinking, and that was what it was like for the 1st 3 1/2 years in recovery. Gradually things got worse.

Some of the blatant problems went away when I stopped drinking. But if if you somehow were able to connect something that could, that could

tap into my inner dialogue and my inner experience of life, you would have saw there that there wasn't a big difference between before I discovered alcohol, while I was drinking and for the 1st 3 1/2 years in a A. My inner experience was constant turmoil,

although at different times in my life and at different times in those cycles,

it might have looked like things are going pretty well on the outside, but

I can't say that that was my inner experience. But sometimes I was just better at hiding it.

And then I, I went through the process. You know, the, the late great Howard G took me through the process. I saw something. I saw something in the way that that man presented the steps and, and I went for it. I was desperate.

I'm grateful for that stupidity that I went through.

I don't know if,

I don't know if, if, if my life was going well, I don't know that I would have considered changing.

We we as Alcoholics,

we tend to

make we tend to choke screaming life.

That's a weird expression, but it's all that came out. You know, we just, we just, we just have this way of, of,

of

not not playing well with others. We have this way of of not.

Not doing well. And

when I started working the steps, I was gracefully told that I could believe whatever I wanted to believe as long as that I wasn't it. And, and I was. I was separated enough from religion to not be too overly influenced by that. And or, or I shouldn't say. Not influenced by that. I should say

I wasn't too overly influenced by my version of that because I've now come to see some really beautiful things.

It could be found in religion, but the way I twisted it and manipulated it and self-centered it, it could not work ever for anybody. So I now was able to, I want to say start over, but I now was able to begin and I was now able to,

I begin to have a different perspective toward life, toward God, toward what happens in life.

And I'm grateful for the teachers that have

helped me with that and pointed me in that direction and

been an influence and still are an influence

because my perspective on life is much different now.

So as I went through the process of the steps, something happened.

Something was revealed to me,

and what I mean by that is

it's kind of interesting.

So this is something I recommend to people sometimes is that

I turned

the steps, I turned God, I turned spirituality, you know, all of the above and whatever its other expressions you want to use. I I turned it into an experiment because initially I sort of had doubts because, you know, I had been looking at those steps for 3 1/2 years and they looked

mediocre at best.

I still to this day refer to the steps as intellectually insulting because you know when when you turn the mind on anything, it has an issue. You know, I mean the mines not happy with much and.

What was interesting to me was

as I, as I turn it into an experiment, as I switched from the steps as a concept or rather as an idea

and then turned it into a program of action or what you could call an experience. When I, when I went from the concept of the 12 steps to the experience of the 12 steps, it was mind blowing. The difference the, the extreme difference between the idea of the steps and the successful experience the OR the concept of the steps and the

extremely successful experience with the steps. I couldn't deny it. You know, I went through the steps initially pretty quickly.

I my first and biggest, most extensive 4th step that I ever wrote, I did in one week.

I because I made it a priority

and umm,

you know, I was, I was out there making amends and, and I really saw how beautiful the 12 step program was.

But when I went through the first time,

what happened there? There are a couple things that happened that really,

really spun my head around when it came to this thing called God or whatever you want to call it, and that was that.

I remember.

I'm not saying that you'll get the same results, but this is what happened to me. I remember

the first year

and for, and for maybe five or seven or eight years after that, I would occasionally,

umm, have insomnia.

And

I'm talking about, you know, not sleeping well for like a week or more, not sleeping at all for a week or more.

And um,

I remember mentioning something to my sponsor at the time, his name was Garrett. And

after I had mentioned it a couple times, he said to me, Bill, do you pray? And I said, yeah, you know, I say those mechanical prayers that my religion, that my families religion taught me.

And he said, well, you know, when you go home tonight, why don't you ask, God help you with your sleeping.

And, you know, I, I thought that was really sponsorship mumbo jumbo 101 and,

you know, whatever. And then, you know, I, I experience another night of not sleeping. And, you know, the next night I, I was saying the prayers and I almost remember sort of looking around to make sure that nobody was watching. And I lived alone, which is really weird, you know, and, and I said, you know, and God, please help me. I don't seem to be sleeping well.

And the same thing is, is that that night I slept fine.

And, you know, that was a fluke. I'm sure that wasn't related, you know,

and I disregarded it and you know, maybe six months later, I, I had to go to my ATI was working for AT&T and I had to go to our company picnic. And I don't really do the social thing. Very at that time I didn't, I don't do the social thing very well. And

and now I'm, I'm thrust into having to go to this picnic and I had just started working

for 18 T and I didn't really know very many people and I really dreaded having to go to this picnic because I just don't, I'm not AI wasn't a social person. I was very, very shy. I was very uncomfortable in social situations. And I remember I mentioned something to my sponsor Garrett and I said, yeah, he goes, why don't you ask Scott to help you with that? And

you know, whatever. And then I, I found myself

in the parking lot of the picnic just sort of avoiding going in. And I found myself saying, you know, God, can you, I'm really uncomfortable about this. Can you kind of help me with this? And I went into the picnic and the weirdest thing happened. I was there for, you know, maybe 4 hours, maybe five hours. And the weirdest thing happened.

There were some people that I was able to sit with and, you know, I'm a really good athlete. So,

you know, throw me into the softball game and, you know, you know, I can deal with that sort of. And every time, every time, every freaking time, I was

starting to feel a little uncomfortable about having to go meet somebody or go, you know, just sort of feeling alone in the corner. Somebody would walk up to me and just start talking to me. As a matter of fact, one time this guy came walking up to me about halfway through the picnic. The sky came walking up to me and he goes, Bill. I noticed that. Easy does it bumper sticker on your car. I'm a friend of Bills too.

And if you're feeling a little uncomfortable, you know, hang out with me.

And I went through the whole picnic and I didn't get overwhelmed by it.

And now this has happened twice. And I'm not saying that everybody going to get these results. I'm just sharing what happened to me. I'm sharing with you how God revealed himself to me.

And you know, there were times in certain situations like that where where let's say I would do it and they were sometimes where I wouldn't do it. I turned it into an experiment. And what I discovered was is that, you know, 99% of the time when I did it, it was definitely a better experience than when I didn't do it.

And I was like, huh, it's interesting.

This is that God that I fear, This is that God that I think is out to get me basically. This is that God that's, you know, I think is screwing me over basically.

And isn't that interesting?

And then, you know, we go through the process of the steps and then, you know, we start seeing things are changing and I sort of have a different perspective on life. And one of the earlier perspectives that changed for me was the insomnia thing, because, you know, I, I really dreaded those times when I wasn't able to sleep

because, you know, you're, you're basically forced to be with yourself, you know what I mean? And it's like, whoa, that's a little bit too much, you know, a little bit too much. It's 3:00 in the morning. I can't call anybody. I can't, you know, you can't distract it out by radios or TV, You know, I mean, it's, it's you're just left with yourself and it's harsh.

And what's funny was, is that what I discovered is, is that

I shouldn't say what I discovered. I should say

one day I decided to change my perspective of my insomnia and what I started saying to myself And when I started saying to other people is instead of all this sucks, I haven't, you know, I didn't sleep again last night. What I started doing was is as I started using my times of not sleeping as maybe God wants me to talk with him during those periods of time and has, you know, maybe woken me up so that I can sort of interact a little bit.

And I would start praying or meditating or watching a spiritual video or or turning it into this is an opportunity as opposed to this sucks.

And my whole entire perspective toward insomnia changed and I stole occasionally will go a day or two without, you know, entirely sleeping. Like I know I experienced, I experienced it this past week where, you know, all of a sudden at like 2:30, I wake up and there's just this active energy. And it doesn't have necessarily anything to do with, you know, the mind churning. Sometimes it's like that. But this past week it wasn't like that. I just, I, I woke up and,

and I found

that there is all this active energy and what are you going to do about that? You know, I mean, what are you going to do about that? I'm not going to take a pill. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to, you know, I guess I could hit myself over the head with a pipe or something, but you know what I mean? Like, like, you know, I'm up, all right, so I'm up. Why does that have to be labeled as a bad thing?

I'm just up, it's no big deal. I can get more done now.

I can. I can meditate for longer now.

I enjoy being with myself today. It wasn't like that most of my life

and it's not it's, it was an area of my life that that I was able to basically change my perspective toward and have a different relationship with it and included as almost like a spiritual lesson or in a spiritual perspective. So I don't drag the Times Now when I don't sleep. And that's just one little area of my life. All these things started happening and I started seeing, you know what this is, This is, and then one of the biggest spiritual lessons in my life was my, my second marriage ended and it ends at night.

I've actually shared this twice now in the last week. But I distinctly remember calling up my friend and saying to him, listen, you know, there's only two things that I have to decide between these two things. And he was like, what are they? And I said, do I burn the house down when they're home or when they're not home?

And you know, it was classic because he started laughing. I started laughing. We both knew I wasn't going to burn the house down. But that was just all that was happening up here was do I burn the house down? Because because that was my house. It was my house, my mortgage, my, my deposit, my house. And now I wasn't living there anymore. And,

and

somebody else moved in and is now living in my house with my wife.

And all this came up with was, do I burn the house down when they're home, or do I burn the house down when they're not home?

And you know what?

From the moment of that nightmare of that relationship ending to this day, from the moment before, from the moment I realized that that this relationship is probably over before had moved out, from the moment that I realized that this was over to this day today, I never said or did anything that I had to make amends for.

Do you know how much of a miracle that is? As far as I'm concerned, that's humanly impossible. And that was what happened.

I didn't believe everything. I think I did not burn that house down. I was pissed and I was angry and I was hurt like a wounded animal and I did not do anything I regretted.

And that's what you people did to me,

and that's what this program did,

and that's what this relationship with a higher power has done in my life. And it's interesting because just before I realize that the relationship was over

when things weren't so good, but before I realized that that

someone else had moved on,

if you notice how strategically nice I put that that was kind of nice that they had moved on,

that I started praying that God please make me a better lover.

And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about being able to love better. God please make me a better lover. And that was like my mantra for like for like 3 years. And for the first few months, I was still in that relationship. And then that was my mantra when the relationship ended. And that was my mantra when there was this silly back and forth. And that was my mantra when we went through the divorce and we had to settle money. And that was my mantra for a couple years after that relationship ended and I stayed out of a relationship for a while.

And I just said, God, please make me a greater lover. And at first I was pissed because I wanted to be a greater lover in that relationship. I forgot to say that to God. I just told God I want to be a better lover. I didn't say I want to be a better lover in this relationship. And that relationship was taken from me, if you excuse the expression. And what's interesting is is a few years after that,

my ex-wife came to my Home group

and I had done a whole bunch of spiritual work. And I kept working with that mantra, God, please make me a better lover. And after the meeting was over, I went up to her and I said, you know, welcome, Welcome to my Home group. And I hope that you keep coming

and you know how when you think that maybe you've gotten over something, but you're really not too sure. And now when you're staring face to face with the person that you had to work through, that's the only time that you find out whether you actually are finished with it. And that was the moment that I realized that not only am I finished with it, but I actually care for this woman. I don't even feel that she needs to apologize to me. I don't need to forgive her for anything. I don't think she did anything wrong.

And that's the perspective that I had developed by using spiritual work and by using the steps and by developing my

relationship with my higher power.

And that was the day that I knew that, you know what, I don't have an issue with this woman. And the messed up thing is that she started crying and I started crying and she said to me, how could you say that to me after what I did to you?