The Primary Purpose Group in Laguna Niguel

Hi. How are you?

Talk to you after the meeting. All right.

Good evening. My name is Don. I'm an alcoholic who's grateful to be alive, sober and free on a Thursday night. Come on. I'm Western life.

I want to thank Angie for asking me to come out and speak tonight at your meeting. It's always an honor and a privilege to speak for. As a representative and member of Alcoholics Anonymous, it's always an honor and a privilege. I want to congratulate the chip takers. It is a big deal to get a chip. I know that. My first 30 days, I wondered how I got it.

It was it, you know, two weeks and we have helped. But you know, nonetheless, my first year of recovery was not stellar that by any means and I will will get there.

My sobriety date is April 16th, 1994.

Hang on,

which was Monday and as of Monday,

my sponsor passed

on Monday

and it was a very it's an emotional time. I've been with her for many, many years and I was sitting with her a week ago tonight because every Thursday you would find me at her table. Every Thursday if I was not traveling or in an AA event with her permission, I was at her table every Thursday night after my Home group. So rest in peace, Betty. And

my Home group is the Thursday night Women's Canyon Club meeting, 6:00 PM Thursday nights. And so I would go to my Home group and we, and then I would go to my sponsors. My Home group doesn't have a meeting name. Most, you know, most meetings have a name like resentments at a coffee pot or Old Town speaker or Paramount, you know, Snake Pit, things of that nature. We voted on a name and we decided that we, we, we loved our name and we just realized that the central office probably wouldn't print it

because it was called the Slut, but it was sober ladies using the steps.

So let's get that straight

with those three those three things in mind, my sobriety date, my Home group and a sponsor Betty, I I don't know which one of those things through those three things keeps me sober, but I know, but it keeps me in a member of good in good standing of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to

I want to tell you that I truly believe that every sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous is a demonstration of God's power to change a human being.

But how do we change?

It talks about the essentials of recovery in the spiritual experience of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. How, HOW honesty, open mindedness and willingness. But I believe that willingness is the key, just like it talks about in the third step of the 12:00 and 12:00. I believe that willingness is the key because if I'm not willing to be honest, I'm not going to be honest. And if I'm not willing to be open minded, I'm not going to be open minded. And if I'm not willing to be willing, nothing is going to change for me. And I wasn't willing in my first year of recovery. And you'll, and we'll get there and you'll, you'll understand why and what happened. Nothing

really. I, I want to, umm,

when I was 12 years old, I had an epiphany on my parents, my parents front porch. I do three things. Deep down I knew. I knew in the in the very pit of my gut, I knew three things.

What I knew was I was never going to have any kids. My 30s were going to be great and I was going to travel the world in the business suit. It was going to be kind of like bills story. I was going to I was going to be the head of a vast empire and manage with the utmost assurance and prove to the world that was important. Those are the three things that I knew deep down within. And as I have recovered and and developed a relationship with my higher power, I realize that

that that God is usually God. You see, I believe that we're all born with the divine spark within us

that we are divorant, born with the light. And either we're going to fuel that light or we're going to extinguish it. And it's those, those choices of self will. And what I did is I chose to drink. And every time I drank, I dim the light of the spirit within. And so that was what I was, that's what I knew at 12. And in the big book it talks about, it says, it says the main problem, the alcoholic centers in his mind, not in his body. So let me tell you what I was thinking about long before I ever took the first drink.

When I was in high school, I was I was a Whittier girl and I went to Pioneer High School and I came up with the socials of donors, the Rah rah girls, the band, and I didn't feel like I fit in. I was an equestrian. I rode and showed horses. I won national titles, but there isn't a social group on campus that will that will that you can click with. You know, I just I was felt like I never felt a part of. I felt, I felt apart from and I,

I didn't feel like I was pretty enough to be in your social group. I wasn't talented enough to be in the the drill team. I wasn't musically inclined to be in the band. I just wasn't enough

and I have no idea where that measuring stick came from, but I knew I wasn't enough. And

on I could tell you where I on my first drink, I could tell you where I was, what I drank and who I was with. I was at the El Monte auction, I was with a group of older friends and my very first drink was Southern Comfort right out of a bag and I could tell you exactly what Southern Comfort did it burn the back of my throat, hit the pit of my stomach and I boom, I bloomed and I will tell you that Southern Comfort comforted that measuring stick went away. I became life of the party. I was fun. I was, I was, I was

and I was flirtatious. I loved the effect produced by alcohol. And in the doctor's opinion, it says, you know, we, you know, we're talking about this sense seeking of relief. And that's what it did for me. That's what it did for me that very first time. And I knew I needed to do this again immediately because I need to seek that sense of ease and comfort that that alcohol provided. Now later on, alcohol doesn't do anything to you unless it does something for you. And I'm always seeking that, that that sense of relief that

that I'm getting now. I'm not, I'm not going to kid you. I mean, I had a lot of fun for a really long time. And then it became a habit. And then I needed alcohol to survive. And then eventually alcohol became my poison. I can tell you that because I needed alcohol and I wanted to feel that effect

that it produced that day that at 16 years old, I told my very first grand lie. And that was I went to the California DMV. I take my girlfriends baptism certificate, took it up right up to the counter, told him I was new to town and could I get a ID to cash checks. So every time I'm lying to my, you know, so I'm aligned to the DMV, I tell my parents I'm going to the high school dance, the football games, anything to do with school activities. You know, I'm telling them going to these events. Well, you would find me at the Mississippi Moonshine Club in Downey

at 16 years old. I am not there to pick up. I'm not there to have fun. I am seeking the relief that alcohol provided because I love what alcohol does. And I am, I continue to seek this. You know, I, I do a lot of things, you know, I get a, you know, I'm having a little bit of consequences on blacking out. I've, you know, I've, I get caught going in the window, you know, one foot in the window and one foot out the window. And at 3:00 AM, dad says, are you coming or going? And it's 16. There's really no right answer. You know, I'm getting,

I'm getting all of these, I'm getting all of these, you know, these consequences, just little minor ones. But you know, any consequence that I don't endured, it was an acceptable consequence, you know, for the solution that alcohol provided. It was, it was, it was acceptable. I went to, I went, I was in high school. I never had a date. I never had, I never went to the prom. I never had a boyfriend because I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't enough. I just didn't have any of those, those experiences. So at at 20 years old, I married this man,

or I met him in January, married him in August. And if you're thinking about doing something like that, call your sponsor.

Not a good idea. One of the discussions we should have had was I didn't want any kids. But anyway, you know, by the time I'm 20 years old, I had burned out, you know, going to the bars and stuff and I'm drinking at home and, and we were doing our thing. And, and, you know, I'm trying to be this doting housewife. I got my first career job and I'm trying to be this doting housewife and this and this career woman.

And I don't know how to do it. You know, I've got great examples. My parents are married. You're still married to this day. But I don't know how to do this thing called a marriage nevertheless a relationship with another human being because I like to drink and he likes to do other things. And, and we just kind of came together. You know, we lived in this house and we were married. And about five months into the marriage, he cheated on me. He came home with hickeys on his neck and chest and told me there were bruises from work

and I'll pop that measuring stick again

and I am not enough. I am not enough to keep a man at home. I am not pretty enough to be a be called a beautiful wife. I'm not talented enough, you know what I mean?

I'm just, I'm not enough. He's gone outside the marriage, you know, and, and I feel, I feel shame and I don't want to be divorced. So I stick with that marriage. And on our first year anniversary, I, I filed for divorce and moved in with my family, my parents again. So 21 years old. I'm, I'm living with my parents house. I'm divorced and poor, poor, poor me

and I'm crying every night and poor, poor pitiful me. And at six months I said poor, poor pour me a drink. And I got up in the morning one morning and I am this big teary eyed bloated mess and I'm not even drinking yet. And because I had petered off just for a little bit because I was controlling and enjoying my drinking, or so I thought. But I'm not real happy. And I so I wake up and I look in the mirror and I'm thinking, OK, I'm going to kick ass all over this town. And that's exactly what I proceeded to do

and I left my parents house and I moved into a roommate situation. Game on. And now I'm starting to drink and a more regular basis, like starting on Wednesday to prepare for a happier Friday's happy hour. I am oblivion on Saturday, trying to taper off by Sunday. You know, it talks in the big book is he showed up on Tuesday. You know, where was he Monday? That's me.

Where was I Monday, you know, and I'm doing things and, you know, I'm standing to Protein Alcohol Anonymous in an open, open meeting with men, you know, men in attendance. So I will tell you that I'm a female alcoholic and I will do anything I need to get what I want. And I will use you and I will take what I need and I will get what I want.

And we can just say that my life became very colorful. I, I did things that are unbecoming to a woman and to a lady. And I was practicing and doing demoralizing things to my spirit. I, I can tell you that I was knocking on hotel room doors in Pomona. I was waking up at blackouts in the middle of at the top of Mount Baldy. I,

I start dating the owners and

of companies or presidents and vice presidents of companies I'm working for and I am using. When I do the inventory work, I realize that I have used them, use their money and I have robbed them. You see, I'm their mistress. I had robbed them of their, the, the, the wife of her husband. I have robbed the kids at the time with their dad. I have robbed them of the wallet because he's dripping me with bling and taking me on trips

and really all I wanted to do was ensure my drinking. I needed a job

and I really thought I loved them. I really thought I, you know, I had something in common. Really what I wanted to do was ensure my drinking insurer paycheck. And when I would call in sick, I got flowers. How you doing? And I am, and I am using and abusing people and I am hurting and harming people along the way. And I am doing some really, again, some demoralizing things. I am not proud of that. It didn't happen just once. It happened several times. And it's something I'm not real proud of, but I think it's important

to talk about the damage that we caused to others because a lot of times when we work the steps, we forget about the hurt and the harm, the harming we cause others. And we have resentment, fear and sex. But it does talk about harms down others. And those are the things that I'm doing.

I,

I've got a 502. Well, you guys know it as a DUI. Most people don't reflect as a 502, but DUI, let's talk about that. Has anybody ever woken up or come to in the middle of a field sobriety, in the field, middle of a field sobriety test?

Yeah, I was. I came to

telling the police officer I could not perform this function because of my equilibrium was off due to an inner ear infection.

And he absolutely put the put the handcuffs off on and I went to jail. And then I have to. Have you ever come to in a city you didn't know existed?

That happened the night I was arrested. I was. Anybody know where La Palma is?

My point. My point exactly. It's an 8 square mile city. It's like, Oh my God, how did I get here? When I pulled the police report, I was an obstruction of traffic. I was going 8 miles an hour because, you know, I, I was blacked out.

I had taken another hostage, a boyfriend, and we had lived in Huntington Harbor. And you know my drinking, I'm living a life of delusion now. You see, my drinking has increased tenfold and I am doing, I am drinking

about every day.

I know that you don't have to drink every day to be alcoholic because it says, you know it, it talks about, you know, we talk about when I'm, when I'm controlling to join my drinking. You know, I'm, I'm not, I'm, I'm not when I'm, when I'm trying to control my drinking. I'm not going to join it when I'm doing my drink and I'm out of control. That was me. I was by the end, I was a crapshoot, man. You got alcohol. I didn't know what the hell was happening. I didn't know if I was going to be the happy drunk, the sad drunk, the violent drunk, the clumsy drunk. I I didn't know I was a crapshoot because, you know, alcohol had become my master.

I had built my days and nights around alcohol

and I and I was not going anywhere without alcohol. And if I couldn't plan it accordingly and know where the liquor stores were or where I was going to get my next drink. We're just talking about this. The other day. This woman would like try and disguise her purchases every morning at the same Albertsons. I said, why did you just change liquor stores? But that's because that's what I did. You know, at the end, I was living in Huntington Harbor and and I worked in Santa Ana and I drove down Warner. And at that time they, you know, they still had tabs and I had tabs that, you know, liquor stores, bars and restaurants all the way

Warner. I'm living a life of delusion that this alcohol is still working, but I needed alcohol to survive. And I am driving down the road and and I'm driving and I'm drinking peppermint Chinops on the way to work because I know it smells like toothpaste. I've got alcohol underneath the seat of my car. I've got alcohol in my right hand door on my desk. I have got alcohol hidden about my house. It is underneath the sink behind the poison. It is in shoe boxes. It is in soup,

suit jacket pockets and I have a hidden in my toilet tank

because I am trying to deceive myself

that I don't have a problem.

The the gentleman that I took hostage, he called me up one day and he says, are you I'm leaving because I'm not going to watch you kill yourself or anybody else. And he walked out.

I couldn't imagine, you know, I was now another victim again, you know, and I'm using this for a more content, you know, for more reasons to drink. But I don't know, I'm alcoholic and I don't think I have a problem.

And I move out and I move into Seal Beach, I get another job and whatnot. And so I'm just going to take it. April 15th 1994

I had drank that night and I was in a blackout and my girlfriend put me to bed and I got up and I or the next morning I had to get up and go to work. Now I'm an overachiever

and I'm going to get to work on time, but I will be drunk, but I'm going to be, I'm going to get there on time. So I get up in the morning and I am shaken. And I had never, I had had the DTS before. I had never had them this bad. And I had the shakes and I couldn't stop. And it was one of those kind of those mornings that you wake up and you can't stand fully erect and you've got to kind of feel yourself, you feel your way to the bathroom. I got into the shower and when I started to wash my body, my body hurt. It felt like it had been hit by a Mack truck.

And when I got to wash my hair,

my hair hurt and I knew I was in trouble and I knew what would fix it would be another drink. So I went down. I got another bottle and it came back and I know I got this 502 on my back. And so I called my girlfriend. I said, can you take me down to work? And she said she said, yeah, I'll be right there. Well, according to my standards, she wasn't, you know, she wasn't quick enough. And she says she she said she watched me pull off and followed me all the way to work. And I got to work. I climbed the stairs. I don't remember any of this. It's fed back to me. I get up the stairs and I proceed to answer

phones in a blackout. And apparently the owners of the company were in town that day and they took me back home.

Now this is what I call they called it intervention. I called it a kidnapping because what happened was when they dropped me off, they forgot to take the keys. When they came back to when they were going to figure out what they're going to do with me, they broke into my house come get me. And my family had moved out of town 20 about 20 years ago and they've not seen this demise. They'd call me up and they'd say, Don, if you've been drinking, no click. And

they didn't see this demise. And

so right they they break into the house and my roommates going, Oh my God, you know, who are these people that are done? These are my employers

and I remember that when I was laying face down on the bed, they tapped my shoulder.

And I truly believe that was a moment of God's grace

because I believe that God used used to, you know, use my employers as a channel to get to me. So God will do anything to get your attention. And what he did, what he did, what he did was I was instantly sober just for a moment. And I had that moment of clarity where it said, somebody knows how bad it is.

And I wasn't scared, but I asked no questions. They said pack a bag, you're going somewhere. So I packed a bag, duffel bag, bottled Bacardi and on my way. And they took me to a detox. And right aside, as we approached the detox, I've got one arm 11 employer and one arm and one employer on the other. And I got to the door of the detox and I, I just stood there and it was as if

all of that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization kept flooding, became flooding forward.

You see, I didn't know what was happening, but I know that if I could, you know, on page 24, it says, it says in the italics the important part, it says we are without sufficient force to bring into the consciousness the, the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. And I, you know, I didn't, I never recalled anything that was going on. All the damage I'm causing, you know, the physical, the physical ailments I'm causing my body, the hurt I'm harming others.

None. None of that, you know, coming

into into my consciousness every time I drink. I just know it's going to be different this time. I'm going to seek that relief.

You see, I will risk my life in the search of relief and in the need of relief. I will risk my life and I am now being escorted to a detox. And they and I and that pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization was so powerful. And it was the employers that brought me to this detox. I get into the detox. I could do to the facilitator. They said, Donna, you

do you need to make a call. And I said, no, no, no. You see, I'm still trying to manage the show, still trying to direct everybody.

And, you know, I got this handled. And they said, do you have any parents? And I said, yeah. And they said I live, they live out of state. And I'm really sure you can't make a long distance call. And I said, and they said, well, yes, you can go ahead. So I pick up the phone, I call my parents. I said, mom, daddy, you are you sitting down? And they said, yeah. I said, well, I'm going to detox for alcohol. Oh my God, Don, where are you? And I said, I don't know. And they said, well, ask somebody. So I said, well, where am I? And they said, you're at New Beginnings. And I said, mom, dad, I'm at New Beginnings,

this one. Where are you physically? We're going to fly down. We're going to assess the situation, see what we can do to help and done it. Done. It's will you just stay where you are? I got this handled. They said, by God, Don, you're our daughter. Where are you physically? So I asked facilitator, so where am I? And they said, well, you're at Clark and Candlewood in Lakewood called New Beginnings. And there was a pause on the phone

just like that. And my mom said, Don Clark and Candlewood and Lakewood. I said, yeah, she goes in 1964, you were born there. It's called Lakewood General Hospital. And for me, that is another one of those God moments. It's one of those those ironies in my story that was like, I was I was born there in 1964. And now I had this new beginning. I had this new lease on life.

If if you know, if I just if I just do something different like not drink

and I could be afforded this opportunity at a new life. Well, I wasn't insurance only paid 2 year, two months and and yet I will always be in forever indebted or grateful that Bill and Bob really encouraged that we were an attraction and not a promotion that our group or you know our fellowship was an attraction, not a promotion. Because the facilitator of the aftercare group that I was not required to attend

was my attraction. And her name was Eileen. And Eileen sat week after week facilitated this aftercare group.

And she had an inner peace that radiated out. And she had that glow about her and she had a genuine, authentic smile and she was calm and she was peaceful. And she, you know, she, she radiated. And I knew that's what I wanted. I wanted what she had. And I knew that if I sat next to her week after week after week after week, I would get it by transference. I did not know there was any work involved. None.

And in my first year of

physical sobriety,

nothing changed.

You see, I really believe what Bill and you know, you know that Joe and Charlie talk about as a fellowship. You know, the fellowship will support us, but the steps change us. I am promised an entire psychic change, but I have to do some work. And I did nothing. But I sat there week after week and nothing was changing. And on my first year sober anniversary, I didn't know that there were cakes and chips and cards and things like that because I went to one meeting a week. It was that aftercare program. And then they had

panel and and I was a miserable bitch. And I am on the phone on my first year anniversary and I'm talking to another alcoholic on the phone. And I said, I said, if this is what so bride is all about, I don't want a part of it. I am miserable. And on that day, on that night on that phone is when I surrendered to the program as afforded in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous when that person suggested, why don't you get a sponsor? Why don't you work the steps? Why don't you go to

meetings and why don't you get involved in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and your life will change. And so I have, you know, it is for me because it's been my experience. I, I would, if you'll indulge me,

I'm going to take you through the steps of the way it happened for me because that is so important to me. I, you know, I was told that I had two alternatives and it talks about two alternatives in the big book. It says we're going to, you know, blot out the consciousness of our intolerable situation the best we can to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation the best we can or accept spiritual help or, you know, it says we doomed an alcoholic death or live life on a spiritual basis. Not too easy

to face and I had to, I had to face that fact. I was miserable and nothing was changing. And so I had to fully concede to my owner of myself. It says on page 44, I only have to answer two questions. It says if when you want to quit entirely and find you cannot or when drinking you have little control of the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. If this this if this be the case, you may be suffering from from illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer.

Black power is my dilemma. I didn't know I was powerless, but I, I start to go to this step, right, that I am powerless

and my life is unmanageable. And if I haven't seen that and I'm starting to, you know, look at, look at my past, you know, and I got to draw this conclusion based on my past that that, you know, I'm alcoholic and nothing's getting any better.

I

the steps were broken down to me in the manner which I heard and there was two ways and it was one, I am the problem. Two is come to believe that there is a solution. Three, that I'm going to make a decision to seek the solution. 4 through 9 take care of the past, 10 takes care of my daily life, 11 takes care of my spiritual life, and 12 takes care of my a way of life.

Or is there a Hightower talks about it. He says. He says one is one is me, two is God, three is me and God, four and five is me. Six and seven is God. 8:00 and 9:00 is you 10 me, 11 God, 12 you. There's no one else to play with.

So I really heard those and they resonated within me and I wanted to get into action.

I, I can talk all night about Step 2 and I love Step 2 because it's so it was, it was a pivotal moment. You see, I came into Alcoholics Anonymous

in a religion or when I, you know, I was a kid and we, I came and came up in a religion that I did not understand nor did I believe in, but I knew and I believed in power greater than myself of God that was bigger than me. But I didn't think he cared about little old me. I was this little great in the sand on the on the planet and he didn't care about little old man. It talks about the big book, worldly clamors and and plagues and sick children and, and he didn't care about me. And besides, I wasn't worthy of his love. I had done some really shameful things that are very unbecoming and

you know, and, and he was and I was ashamed of that. I was ashamed of the things that I had done.

Um, and so when they talked about Step 2, you know, come to believe that a power grid and the cells can restore to sanity, I'm like, well, I'm not crazy, man. I can hold the job. I'm not limited to, you know, I'm not a nut. And they said you are insane with respect to alcohol.

And I said, well, what does that mean? And then they started talking about that fraud, the emotional appeal, like what does that mean now to explain it to me? And they said, and, and they said that, you know, and I've had these experiences, says, you know, if your spouse come, you know, if your, your spouse says, if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving.

Your boss says you call it sick one more time, or you, or you come in drunk one more late, one more time, you're fired.

Or the judge says, you show up in my courtroom one more time, you're going to jail.

And if the doctor says, you know, if you drink like this for six more months, you're going to die. And even though I know all those consequences, I drink anyway and I need it. That's my insanity.

And and I got to come to believe that about this higher power in this, in this power greater than me. And all they're really doing is asking me to cast aside an old idea, that old idea of a God I grew up with and a religion I grew up with to welcome in something new. It talks about in the Big Book on page 5055.

I'm sorry, 52. I'll get to 55 in a minute, and I can't quote it, so I'm going to read it because it's so powerful for me. It says is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new? It does

and I was able to use that and utilize it and then some of the women that I sponsor and in the past and currently have had that problem with the God idea. I said alright, let's make a you know, reference. Just work, you know just work with me. Here I go let's talk about yourself. Phone OK, your cell phone, you had an old LG, you got a BlackBerry, you upgraded to the iPhone. Now we're at iPhone S and you got iPod 1/2 or iPad 123800, whatever it is now

I said, why do you think that is? I said, and what did you do with your old cell phone? You discarded the old one for a brand new one that works even better and you welcomed in that idea. I said, you know, you know, it talks about in the in in the way agnostics and it talks about Step 2. I get two chances at the second step. It says, it says are you willing to believe or you know, do you now believe?

And later on it says God either is or he isn't. What is your choice to be? And I and I had to look at my idea of a God and I used the wind for a really long time because I could use the God of nature

because I could not ever understand why. I can go to a Home Depot, buy a bulb, put it in the ground, put some dirt on it, put some water on it, you know, and air and the sunlight and that Dang thing nose to bloom once a year. How is that possible? I can't explain it. I know it's bigger. And, you know, and I look at this vast universe and I'm thinking, wow, this is amazing. I use the wind because I can't touch it. It's intangible,

but I can, you know, I can see the effects of the wind

rippling through the leaves of a tree. And I used the wind for a long time as my relationship with God because I could watch your God working on you and I couldn't touch your God. And I could see the effects of your God changing you. And the light goes on and your spirit lifts, your skin glows. I'm watching the effects of your God ripple through you. So I use the wind for a really long time.

I am on Step 3.

The paragraph that changed my life in Alcoholics Anonymous was on page 55. It says deep down and every man, woman, a child is a fundamental idea of God. It is there that he may be found as part of our makeup.

And I knew

because I had had that experience of deep Down within when I was 12 years old,

that epiphany on my parents front porch. I knew it was God and I knew the deep down within. It was part of my makeup because I had felt it once before and and it says in the last analysis it is there that he may be found. And I had expected alcohol, men, money, jobs, relationships, property and all that outside stuff to fill a God sized hole.

And I am vacant. And I kept trying to put everything, you know, to, to have all that external forces fill me up.

And in the third step, it says we make a decision. And all it really is is a formal term of surrender. And we are given this prayer in the big book, you know, they give it to us. Well, here, use ours, you know, and it says you can go off and go on to other things.

I'm going to tell you about, you know, the two years ago when I was 16 years sober, I allowed

people to control and dominate my thinking, and I allowed fear to permeate and, you know, the fabric that was shot through with it. At 16 years sober, I was terminated in sobriety.

That is not an easy pill to swallow. I used to cry when I said it, but I've been able to do some work on that. But when I was doing some step work with another individual with permission from my sponsor, they pointed out this sentence and I had no idea that it was there and the sentences was. The wording was, of course, quite optional, so long as we express the idea of voicing it without reservation.

And I was challenged to write my own third step prayer. And it was the most amazing, powerful experience. And I encourage you, if you, if you, if you want to pursue that, go to your sponsor and, and talk to them about writing your own third step prayer. We're given a prayer,

but you also get to write your own and and I had an amazing, amazing experience. It changed my life.

And so so we have that prayer and I made this decision and I've got to take some action and and I got to do that 4th and you know, the 4th and 5th and my 4th and 5th stuff really just identify. You know how I've been hurtful and harmful, right? I get this four step. They tell me how to do it. You know, I got column one, column two, no problem. I'm going to tell you who I feel smugly superior to who I think Owens being a man who I'm pissed off at, who I have a resentment with da, da, da and some of the principles. I don't believe in this net. No problem.

Easy. So I lay it all out and then they you know, and you know, you start to oh, fourth column. Oh, really? And I was told that if I don't do that four step, I'm or that 4th column, I'm still living an active alcoholism one and two is I'm still blaming others. You're my reason. You're my reason. And then I got this fifth step right and I got this fifth step. I'm going to become transparent with another human being

and yet my sponsor,

when I started to come clean with my four step, you know, daddy did the sex. You know, I'm not going to go into the whole four step, but it was a very enlightening experience and my my sponsor so lovingly wrote down every character defect I owned. God bless her and she

and she said this list is what's blocking you from God.

You can see my, my, my, my distance from God is measured by my distance from you. And if I got this going on and I'm blaming others, that is the distance that I have with God And my and, and this whole program is we suffer from a spiritual malady. I've been seeking the spirit in a bottle of spirits. I've been seeking something to fill me up. And this is the stuff that's blocking me. So now I want to go into, you know, you know, I got to fight, you know, my sponsors going OK, well, you know, let's lay it all out here. And, and we did and, and you know, I

thought, well, thank God that secrets out. And you know, she says, are you walking away with anything? And that's when you got to become absolutely honest with your with your sponsor. And hopefully you've written it all out

it on six and seven. She told me, she says, you know, that's where we come, we start to become helpful and useful. It's where we're going to start to align with God. It's where I'm going to get a change of heart, a change of attitude and a change of outlook towards God, towards people and towards and towards towards you, towards my front, my fellows, right. And and yet in step six, she says you got to become willing

to have God remove all these defects of character, she says, because if you're not, you're getting a payoff somewhere. You're getting a payoff and you're not willing. And so in seven, she said, ask him to remove your shortcomings. And you know, and then we talk about 8. And she says she says this is the forgiveness step, because if I'm not willing to put someone down on paper, I'm not forgiving them. Yet

I hurt and harmed him.

And then in at 9, she says this is where the real work comes. It's my responsibility to my fellows. This is where, how free do you want to be? This is where I cooperate with God when I say, OK, God put this window of opportunity in my life to offer the amends to someone who is, who's distant, that I haven't had a relationship with for a while, that I know that I hurt and harmed. I still owe one. I can't find this woman. I know her name's Lori. I went to school with her, played racquetball,

did some, I did some shameful things. I, I, I don't know how to find her unless they go to a microfiche at the Rio Hondo College from, you know, 30 years ago. I don't know.

I don't know how to find her, but I know I'm willing. I am willing and I pray that you know God will put that in my path. But this is my cooperation with God

and in my step 10, this is my daily walking around step and my 10 is as it talks about in the big book is this is the thing, you know that I'm I am realizing my Step 2. So I get my sanity back because I've done the work up to this point. I've done this work and I continue to do this work on my step 10. It says it says, you know, I've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected,

but it's also my demonstration to God that I'm going to continue to look at look at my life and examine my actions.

What does it say in the big and the four in that paragraph? It says continue four times, continue, continue, continue, continue, continue to see where I've been selfish, dishonest, you know, frightened and resentful. I don't know, but I want to tell you about what happened on on Sunday. On Sunday, I had AI had silent scored my stepdaughter and I took her out and I knew it was eating away at my spirit and I knew it was it was keeping me in in in somewhat of a funk and it was keeping my distance from other people.