Angie F. from Seal Beach, CA speaking in Lagune Niguel, CA

To come up here and give us some nice sharing. Thank you.

Hi, my name is Angie. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

Happy New Year.

I almost said Merry Christmas, but Merry Christmas too.

Thank you Stephanie and Heather too. I,

I'm honored to be here, I'll say first of all, and there's nothing I would rather do on New Year's Day than do this. And what's, what's cool is that that is the truth.

I think back five years ago, would I ever have thought I'd be doing this? Would I ever have wanted to do this? Hell no, You know, But on New Year's Day, what a, what a great way to start the year, but not only for me, but what a, what a great way to give some hope to somebody who is still suffering

the way that I did. And you know, this is this is simply 12 step work. You know, this is just carrying the message. This is just hopefully giving by telling my story, a little bit of my story, not a whole lot of it, but but my experience,

I before getting sober and then and then you know what, what I was like, what happened? And when I'm like now a little bit of strength that I only get from my higher power and a little bit of hope,

you know, hopefully my experience will help that new person that still may be trying to figure out if they're alcoholic, maybe they don't know. Yeah, I drank like that too, or gosh, I did that too. What did you do? You know, that's my only intention. That's my only hope. So I just when Stephanie asked me, I just like absolutely. I'll be there. I, I, I would love to and I appreciate Heather too. You know, it's I know Heather and the fact that she's nine months sober and she's

here is, is what we're supposed to be doing, You know, and she's been doing it for she's been carrying the message at a treatment Center for months. You know, she got through these steps and, and had a spiritual experience and and she knows what the book says about how helping other people is vital to our recovery. Vital. And thank you, thank you. It's a great example. Somebody that's that's you've been through the steps and you've had a spiritual experience. I don't care if you're 5 weeks over, get on out there and help somebody else because you do have

something to offer. You know, somebody out there wants to know how you got five weeks. So this you have to be sober for a year or two before you carry the message. But I don't know where that is in my book.

It doesn't say it. I

my sobriety date is March 25th, 2006 and that is certainly not my first sobriety date. I've had a million. I started coming to a, I believe it was my first meeting was maybe in 1994. Maybe I am from Texas, so I'm sorry if I talk funny, but well, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. But my original Home group, my Home group here is the primary purpose group in Laguna Niguel, but my original Home group is in Dallas, TX and it's the, the primary purpose group in Dallas, TX.

And that's where I got sober. And I'm, I'm very proud of of that because I went to a lot of meetings and a lot of groups that I couldn't stay sober. And it's not the group that got me sober at all, but it is the group that I walked into finally.

And I it was different. I saw people that were happy. I saw people that were not talking about how bad their day was and they weren't talking about how

unhappy they were and mad they were that they couldn't drink. They were talking about cool things in life that they got back. They were talking about how their life had changed. They were talking about how they don't think about drinking. And, you know, off on a corner in a corner there were there was somebody working with a newcomer taking them through the steps with the big book open. And there was laughter and there was, and I, I just had an experience too much of that before

going to go into meetings. And that's where I got my sponsor. And, and so, so I'm, I'm proud of, of that group. And the only difference is

they're in the solution, you know, they're in the solution. And I know that a lot of us go to meetings looking for solution and we hear a lot of everything except the solution. So I am absolutely going to incorporate that the solution, which is the steps and into my story because it's a huge part of my story. It's it's huge.

Um,

I,

I was not one of these that had their first drink at 5 and loved it and thought, Oh my God, I can't, I, I just, you know, this is my solution. Like we have problems at 5. You know, this is my solution to life's problems. I had my first drink at 13, like Heather

and I shared like one beer. It was, it was a big beer, one of those real tall, tall boys with like 30, like 7 girls at age 13 and you know, took about a sip and a half each, you know, pass it around. It was at a slumber party. It was fun, but it wasn't any, you know, it was more, let's be cool. You know, this is what we've seen our parents do. No big deal. I had another drink when I was maybe 16, and then I started drinking a little bit more. Just just partying a little bit in, in high school, you know,

no big deal either. I still hadn't. It still just wasn't a big deal.

I believe that after high school when it was time to, to go to college, which I did not want to do, but it was kind of a deal where I was scared to death, but it was a kind of a deal where, OK, that's kind of the next thing to do. And my dad was, was generous enough to to offer to pay for it if I went, but I didn't do very well in high school and I, I was having trouble getting in in colleges. But anyway, I noticed at that point when I got into

a college that didn't require a very large SAT score, I, I remember getting very, being very fearful. And that's kind of when I, I, that's when I started drinking more. I would have a drink and I wouldn't be so scared of you. I, I wouldn't be so nervous to go on that date. I wouldn't be so nervous to go to that party.

And I kept doing it. Why 'cause it worked. You know, alcohol works for us for a long, long time, and that's why we keep doing it.

That's why I kept doing it,

drink more and more and more and it was actually not causing any problems. You know, it was actually fun. You know, there is a point where drinking is a blast. It's fun. I mean, I'm not going to lie, you know, I crossed that line into alcoholism where where it became something I needed to function. And that's when the crap hits the fan. But

you know, this,

the problem was I got to a point where I would, I would stop drinking and my, what was going on inside of me is what I wasn't looking at. You know, what was going on inside is I started getting depressed. I started getting even more fearful. I started feeling even less than and a drink would fix that. So I would drink more. So it was just like this circle, you know, I would drink more.

I'm going to kind of jump ahead. The reason I'm not going to go into a lot of a lot of what happened to me. And I mean, I can tell you that the DWI's that I got, I can tell you the jobs that I lost,

I drove kids around when I was a nanny, drunk all the time, did some horrible stuff, stole some beer from a store, you know, stole a lot, lied my ass off.

That's just my experience. That's my that's my experience. And, and for a newcomer in here, I hope that, that, that, that helps you see that man, if you drink that way too, maybe you'll, you'll listen closely. But what I really want to focus on is, is how it made me feel inside, what it did to me internally.

Umm, because we all drink and got drunk and do crazy ass things. I mean that's just the truth. We do we. We get naked in pools at parties,

kiss people that aren't our husband or boyfriend,

sneaking doggy doors

at 7:00 AM in your neighbor's house to get beer. And, and actually, I can laugh about it now, but it was desperate then. It was desperation. I needed that,

but but my my stories, it's just for you to relate to. What's really important is what happened because, because what I was like was a liar, a a cheater,

a somebody who could not be trusted, somebody who did not show up for work, just said screw it. I don't give a crap what anybody thinks. I didn't care about anybody but myself. That's that's what I was like. People didn't want to be around me anymore.

I was a slob. It was a mess. That's what I was like. What happened was it got so bad throughout probably a five year time time period. I did get married and my husband knew that I was an alcoholic, but we thought marriage would fix it. You know, get married, maybe start a family that's going to fix it. I did start going to a A, but I didn't really know what it meant to be an alcoholic.

But I was losing friends

and I was, I was not able to keep a job. And my friends had told me that you're getting weird and you're not showing up for things. And so it was something to look at. And then of course, when you get a DWI, you're sent to AA as punishment. So I was going to a A. I was not really going because I wanted to get sober because I still didn't think I was really an alcoholic. I didn't know what that was. I was really going to get the court card signed

and it wasn't a bad thing. It wasn't a bad deal until a little bit later, until I, I, you know, was going every day and every day and every day. And it kind of started getting depressing. I heard a lot of, of other people's problems. And it was a great opportunity for me to spew all my crap that's going on. And I did, you know, and, and I actually would leave the meeting feeling relief, you know, I felt relief because so and so

had problems too, just like I did. And then I felt relief because so and so has done prison time and all this stuff. And man, I haven't done that yet. So they're worse off than I am. So I don't feel quite so bad, you know, And I was walking out of there still with the internal condition. I still wanted to drink. I still knew that that helped me, that made me feel better. I was still scared to death of people. I was still, I mean, I'm talking scared you guys to, to, to, to walk to the mailbox. You know, I had to have a few beers to go into the grocery store

because I just knew everybody was looking at me and they knew what I'd been doing and they knew that I was just a loser. And I, I kind of jump in it way ahead. I got to a point where I needed this alcohol. I was not drinking to have fun or party anymore. The party was over. I physically needed it.

I timed myself one time. This is this is true. I timed myself one time, took a drink, tying myself to see how long it was until I started feeling scared,

breathing hard, you know, shaky until I needed another, another sip of that beer. And it was 7 minutes and I would take that sip of beer and man, I was OK for about 7 more minutes. And then I took that's physically needing alcohol. You know, that's the allergy that the that the book talks about in the doctor's opinion. I have a drink. I set off that phenomenon of craving

simply because my body's different. I'm an alcoholic. My body is different.

That's it. It's as simple as that. That's why I'm powerless. But it, it got to a point where I just totally needed it. These AA meetings, I finally discovered, yes, I'm an alcoholic. But I thought it was because I got a DWI, because I have to have a drink every 7 minutes because I, I didn't know at that point I had to have it. I, I really wanted it. I thought that I just wanted it because, because I'm a party animal, because I have a hard time saying no. That's what I'm, that's what I'm thinking

on through. I, I,

I kept relapsing. I was a chronic relapser. I had some sponsors, but they would say you're not going to, we're not going to start the steps until you have 30 days sober.

I couldn't freaking get 30 days over. How is that going to work? You know,

I'm, I'm climbing the walls. After about two weeks, I will go on a binge for five day binge. I will wake up the next morning. I will swear it off. I'm not going to do this again today. I'm not going to drink today. I mean, I'm like crying and I'm, I'm, I'm praying to, to, to God, which I don't even know why because I wasn't, you know, I, I, I really didn't have any kind of a relationship with God. But you know, that begging prayer that, that foxhole prayer, they call it God. Please just do something.

I I knew I was in trouble, but but I just, I just didn't know what, what the deal was. So I am relapsing and relapsing and I'm jumping around different groups and when I get up for my 11th desire chip at one group, I am saying it's too humiliating. I can't, I can't go back and get a 12th one. You know, I, so I'm embarrassed

and I would go to another group and so I covered all of Dallas and I'd go to Fort Worth and I'd go everywhere.

And I'm in the meantime, I'm lying about my sobriety date too. You know? You know when you, when you lie, you're not honest about it. And you go into a group and you're in and you're and you know, you're lying and you just drank like 3 days ago and you're just like, Oh my God, just get through the meeting because I got to show up so people know I'm not drinking crazy. You know, I,

I'd quit a A for about a year. I can do this on my own. I can do it on my own. AAA doesn't work, obviously, so I'm not able to stay sober. You know, I really don't know crap about these steps because I'm, I have a big book, but it's in my trunk and we don't bring the big books in the meetings. Now, I'm not saying all meetings are like that. There certainly are meetings that, that study the book and that's awesome. That's what we're supposed to be doing. But the ones that I just my experience, the ones I was going to were not. So I I'd relapse and, and, and I finally just said I'm going to do this on my own for like a year, year and a half.

And could I do it? What do y'all think? No self help books. I thought that was the deal. You know, I just need to be more confident with myself. You know, I just need to learn how to be more outgoing. And so I got a book on self-confidence. And I'm telling you, I had a million self help books. You know, it's because of my childhood, it's because my parents got divorced. I just need to, to find a father figure in my life, you know, just whatever. And, and I found out later, the truth is it has nothing to do with what happened at my childhood.

There's there's, you know, sadly

things happen in our childhood. I know people that a lot worse have happened to them and they're not alcoholic. Can that exacerbate the problem? Absolutely. Yeah. But it's not what caused my alcoholism. I learned that later. So I'm reading self help books. I'm trying to get some exercise. I start going to church.

I move a lot and I stay sober for a little bit. I say sober for a little while, but it doesn't last very long. In the meantime, I I get married and it's just, it's worse and worse and worse, You know, that wasn't, that wasn't the solution. Marriage wasn't the solution.

So I'm just totally screwed and I get really, really, really bad and have tried everything else And I really, truly think that I'm just going to, this is just the way life's going to be and I'm just going to relapse every two weeks,

go back to AAA, hope I make it through the relapse detox, go back to AAA, stay sober for a while. It's just going to be like that and die really young. It's just the way it is. But I got to a point where I got really, really sick. I don't even know how much I, I, I weighed, but hardly anything because I, I wouldn't eat when I would just drink. And finally my sister-in-law suggested I go to treatment and I'm like new way because that is for really sick people. That's for like crazy sick alcoholic

and I didn't want to admit that that was me.

All I knew is I as I couldn't stop. So finally I agreed to go and I was really drunk when I said yes, but smart on their part when they kind of intervened me and, and finally I said yes. I, I know that I didn't say yes. I really believe it was something that it was something much more powerful that just came out and said go. And so I went and I'll tell you what, it was the smartest thing I ever did because it got me physically separated from the alcohol.

I needed to be away from the home where the booze was. I needed to be away from the five liquor stores on on the corner surrounding my house. I needed to be away from that. I needed to be separated so I could detox and get my head. I needed a medical detox to treatment centers are great for that. It it's, it's necessary sometimes.

And I learned a lot. I did also, you know, I did Arctic craft and we got to play sports there and we got to go on walks, you know, and I went to a place in Texas and,

you know, that was nice and cool, but it didn't really, it didn't do anything to treat my internal condition. I got a lot of therapy, which I think I probably needed,

but it didn't. It didn't. It didn't.

How do I say this? Because I because I'm not bashing treatment centers. I went to one and thank God, but

what I was learning in certain insert I had process groups and all that I needed to talk about stuff. But what I was learning in certain in certain parts of my treatment was was about a spiritual program. And I was learning that no exercise or no, no human power was going to keep me sober. And and human power is therapists. Human power is doctors giving me antivirus,

you know, human power is, is church, a preacher, you know, it's a group of people. I needed something more. And so that's what I was learning when when I went to these big book studies, when I was in treatment, the treatment was helpful. But when I got clean and aware of this program and stepped out that treatment center, I better get busy because I'm not cured just 'cause I spent $25,000 on a treatment center and went away for 30 days.

How many people have been to treatment more than once?

Yeah. I mean, I know some people have been 13 times. And I'm totally not bashing treatment centers. I'm just saying that if treatment was was the fix, we'd all go once and we'd be great. We'd be fine. I needed to do what I learned in that treatment center. That makes sense. So I heard that, and a wonderful man there showed me the big book. And I said, oh, I've got three of those. You know,

I got three of those. But I was clueless what it said. Yes, I had read it before. It meant nothing.

It meant nothing when I read something, you know, my old sponsors would say, oh, read doctor, you know, or read Bill's story, doctor's opinion. Actually, I didn't even know was in there until I'm seven years in a a, which is embarrassing to say, but no, you know, I, I wasn't it wasn't pointed out to me. But you know, I read Bills story and I read there was a solution, but didn't mean anything because I had not I had not understood what the problem was. And and so I couldn't relate to that. You know

this man in the treatment center and I'm gonna I'm gonna take you guys to this pay well, page 24

if you have your books. This is something that changed my life. This this absolutely changed my entire life. My entire opinion about sobriety, my entire opinion about this 12 step program. But I really didn't think worked at all. I hadn't done it, but I I just thought there was no way It says on page 24. The fact is that most Alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.

And I will admit to you, when he read that to me, I thought, OK, cool. I've lost the power of choice. See, I have no choice. So therefore I can just drink. But see, right. I mean, really, I was like looking, still, still looking for it out so that I could drink. See, I'm different. I'm an alcoholic. It's just, it's just, dude, I'm just, that's the way it's going to be on the very next page, on page 25, right across. And that says there is a solution. So darn it,

continuing on that paragraph on 24, it says our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent.

This is an italics also. So it's it's, it's probably important

our willpower becomes practically nonexistent. So how many of you guys have loved ones, family members, friends that are non Alcoholics that just say, Oh my gosh, just say no, Just stop, Just practice a little more willpower. Just be stronger. And if you're the real alcoholic,

and what I mean by that is is sick in the mind and sick in the body,

you know, you've got this physical allergy that when you put one drink in, you have another. And you know that mental obsession is there too. That tells you a week after you've had a drink, oh, this time it'll be different. This time I can handle it. This time I'll just have to If you've got that stuff going on and you're the real alcoholic,

I We're thinking in our minds when our loved ones say that to us,

you don't understand. I can't just do. I can't do that.

And in their mind, I mean, I remember my dad saying just stop, just limit yourself. Just don't get carried away. It's real easy. Well, that's not an alcoholic. Dad can pull that off. When dad has a glass of wine, he does not set off that phenomenon of craving. I do,

you know, don't you love us enough? If you loved us more, you would stop. Guys, it has nothing to do with love. I know women that that get lose custody of their children

and what are they doing 3 days later we're drinking. Is it because they don't love their kids and they don't want their kids? No, it's exactly what Heather was talking about. And what and what the rest of this paragraph says. Our so-called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory and the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

That's what was going on with me. I just had, I had no, I had no defense.

Nothing I had tried was going to change it. Not church, not getting a new husband, not getting around a new crowd of friends, not moving to San Francisco from Texas. Not anything. Because certainly Dallas, TX was the problem, right?

Too many bars there.

Go to treatment. I hear this stuff. It wakes me up. Wow. And then he said that he was a recovered alcoholic. And I was like, what the hell does that mean? You know, I'm going to stop right there for a second and throw a few things in.

I had a guy, I was, I was at a treatment center. I, I don't remember which one it was, but it was just a couple weeks ago. And, and I read, I, I said recovered alcoholic. And, and you know, I think a lot of people think I, I think a lot of people think I'm just saying that I don't know that for sure, but I think they, they think I'm saying I'm cured of alcoholism and that's not true. My book tells me I'm not cured. I'm, I'm recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. I work the steps,

gotten connected with a higher power.

God keeps me sober today. God removed that obsession to drink.

I do not have any desire to drink today, and I haven't for almost six years. That's recovered.

We're covered from a hopeless state of mind. Not, not, not that I'm not an alcoholic anymore. I'm absolutely an alcoholic and I have the physical allergy as I'm standing here right in front of you. I just don't have the obsession. But I had this guy tell me, say to me, and this happens a lot, but it's OK, It's cool. It's an opportunity to tell somebody the truth and open up the book and show them where it says recovered like 18 times. He said, is that a new thing? And he had been, he had been in a A for eight years or nine years, and he'd never heard that before.

He said, is that a new thing? And I said, I mean, it's a good question because if you're not open in the book, how would you know? You know, And I said, no, it's not a new thing. And I took him to the title page where it says the story of over 1000 people have recovered from alcoholism. And it says it everywhere in the book. What when this man said this to me at the treatment center when he told me he was a recovered alcoholic, What hope that brought to me that changed my life. You mean I don't have to be suffering every day for the

of my life? I also heard someone say the other day that that they were told that they were going to suffer every day and that it was going to be something they had to deal with every day and think about every day.

And I'm sorry, I, I have to say I feel sorry for you. That's not what my big book says.

My big book says I get to get free of this and I get to live an awesome cool life and not suffer every day.

That's that's cool. You know, I

but in the book it tells us how we can recover and and it tells us how we can

as long as we do certain things, you know, can we get sick again? Yes, absolutely, absolutely. Can we, we can,

but I hear, you know, people posing that this question a lot. We're questioning recovered and and and that's fine. That's cool. I don't care what you call yourself, but I know in my heart that I that I am recovered. And if my book says that

I can't, I think it's my ego if I don't say that because I'm afraid of what people are going to think because it's the truth, you know, it's the truth. And I really believe in speaking the truth.

I back to my story, got out of treatment. I was scared to death, you know, I had work steps 1-2 and three, but in treatment. And anyway, I, I went to this group when I got out and found a sponsor and she was no nonsense. You know, she said, are you done? First of all, she qualified me. She took me to page 44 where there's two questions that if you're not sure you're an alcoholic, there are two questions you can ask yourself.

If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take either or check, check. I this is me and when she qualified me making sure I was the real alcoholic. Cause some people do still have the power of choice. And if you do choose, no choose no, I'm not going to drink today and see you later. You don't need to be here. But I had lost that power to choose. I drank no matter what. She qualified me.

She said, are you done? My book talks about permanent sobriety. Nowhere in here does it say, let's get sober for a little bit and then and then relapse. And then you can, you know, it doesn't even talk about one day at a time. It says I get to live my life one day at a time. I don't have to think about staying sober every day. If I live in 1011 and 12, I'm living

the way God wants me to live and I'm staying close to God and and that's what I get to rely on today.

She said, are you done? Yes. She said, are you willing to take direction? Yes. She said we are going to do this work the way they did it back in the day, the way Bill and Doctor Bob intended this program to be, the way that when we had a 92% success rate in a A when they were going through the work quickly. Thoroughly, yes, but quickly. We're going to do it that way. And if you have any problem with that, that's cool, but you need to go find somebody else to sponsor you.

I thought she was very rude at first and now I love her. She's still my sponsor today.

Love her to death for telling me the truth because I know she cared about me enough to tell me the truth and she knew that. Pat and me on the back and saying, darlin, you're going to be OK if you relapse, don't worry about it. Just come back. Just come back. Just go to more meetings. Just, you know, that that wasn't the truth and that wasn't going to help me at all.

So we got started on the steps and I did 1-2 and three in one day. And I can't tell you I had, I didn't have a spiritual experience for several weeks, you know, actually about four weeks.

Everybody's, everybody's different. But I'm telling you, I promise you, if you work these steps, it will happen. There's no doubt about it,

we've lost some of our

urgency on. We've lost some of our

motivation. We've lost a lot of our we forget that this is a disease that kills. You know, we forget we have our a few drinks, we go through a bad, bad spree. We wake up remorseful with a firm resolution to stop. We stay sober for a little bit and we forget how desperate we were when we were coming off that drunk and we were I I remember how desperate I was. I was crying and Oh my God, I'm going to die. And but after some time goes by, we

yet this freaking disease kills people. It is killing somebody right now, this very second out there somewhere. And we don't think it's going to be us. But I'm telling you, take it from somebody who no exaggeration, probably three times a week I get an e-mail that somebody has died. I got an e-mail today that somebody had had had relapsed. Bless his heart, you know, and, and he told me it's because he didn't finish his steps. He stopped at Step 5.

But when you get these emails and these and you hear of people that that have died that they don't have to,

you know, it's heartbreaking. And we forget the urgency and we forget how important it is that if we understand this book, we can't force anybody to do anything in a a it's not my job to to force anybody to have it all. Everybody have big book meetings, you know, but but it is my responsibility as a recovered alcoholic who's been through this step, these steps and know it works and and living proof up here that it can work

to to share that with with you guys the way somebody did it with me.

Thank God somebody told me the truth. Now I wouldn't be alive right now.

You know, we, we tell people a lot of times and guys, I am so guilty of doing it before I, before I actually got into this big book and I was going to, to a lot of meetings. I'm so guilty of doing this because I just didn't know any better.

We tell a lot of people. We tell a lot of newcomers. Oh, just just keep coming back and just fake it till you make it and just just just put that plug in that jug and come back or double up on your meetings, meeting with makers, make it

sit on your hands. Just don't drink in between meetings. Play that tape through all this stuff, all this stuff. Where is that? In the textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous. Let me ask you this and I said it y'all, I said, you know, I wish I could take it back because that's actually harming people. If I tell somebody to put the plug in the jug and they can do that and they think that's all they have to do is go to more meetings and put the plug in the jug,

that implies that

they have the power to keep themselves sober. Just stop. Just put the plug in the job. Just don't drink. Just don't drink in between meetings. Just play that tape through and you'll remember how bad it was and you won't drink. Who did that work for? Anybody. I remember, you know, I remember waking up in jail just like Heather was talking about. I remember waking up in jail. It was bad. It was horrible. The lemonade was gritty that it was, it was stinky. It was crowded. It was yucky,

I said. I'm never drinking again.

Guess what I'm doing? About nine days later I remember I went to jail

was I've able to bring into my consciousness was sufficient force that memory to keep me away from the next drink. No Guess what happens a week later I get another DWI because I'm driving drunk. Get thrown in jail again. Same exact experience. Baloney sandwiches. Horrible horrible. No Mayo.

And

once again, this is it. This, this is definitely my bottom. This is definitely my bottom. Not knowing that really my bottom is death. You know nothing bad enough can happen.

I get out of jail 3 weeks later. What do you think I'm doing?

Drinking and driving again? And then I get a Pi, you know, no steps, untreated alcoholism. I'm going to drink again because I'm not going to remember how bad it was. So just all I'm asking is just think about it before you tell somebody,

just fake it till you make it. It rhymes. It's cute. Somebody really that was good at poetry back in the 70s, I think made that up. But it's not in my big book once again, and I'll distress this again. And I'm telling you get these guys with with love. I really am because it scares me to death how many people we are hurting by saying that stuff. Instead, tell them get your butt working these steps so you can have a psychic change and you can, your personality can change and you will react different to

things and you will get connected to something that's going to save your butt since we can't do it and the obsession is going to be removed. And then you can get out there and help other people and you never have to drink again. Tell them that

once again, putting the plug in the jug, that implies that I have the power. My book tells me I am powerless. I have no power. I have no power. So also I just ask you check with check with the textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous before you before you say stuff, you know, I have made so many mistakes doing that. But when you study the book and you go to big book studies, that's where we get to learn. So we get to learn the truth. The truth is that the truth is,

and it's exactly what what Heather read too. Um,

the truth is I'm screwed. I'm screwed without a without a power higher than me and I'm screwed just going to 30 meetings a week and not doing anything but these steps. I actually,

I mean, meeting makers make it. We hear that too. But I was making a lot of meetings, guys, and I wasn't making it. I wouldn't make it in life. There's nothing wrong with meetings. Don't care if you go to four meetings a day. Just make sure you're doing this stuff, these steps also, you know,

but that paragraph that Heather read at a certain on page 24, at a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail.

All right, So the thought is it's not going to be powerful enough.

I just have a few minutes right

to end my story. I, I got with a sponsor. I got through these steps in about a month. And the way they did it back then, actually they used to do it a lot faster than that. And I was, I was.

She told me she would not sponsor me unless I got out there and carried the message. Doing stuff like I'm doing now, thank God.

You know, I don't get to just sit around and I'm, I'm sober today. As long as I don't drink, you know, I'm good. Yeah. I got to give this back in order to keep it. That's that's the beauty of it. Living in 1011 and 12 keeps me there and keeps that obsession away. And it's pretty darn cool. So I'm going to keep doing it.

There's

there's some cool stuff I want to I want to share. I kind of lost track of time, but I do want to say that and it goes back to how important this 12 step work is people that that that relapse. I know this from experience. It's because I have it. It's all you know, you can ask them two questions. Where are you with God today and who are you helping today? Who are you sponsoring today? Who are you? Who are you carrying the message? And the answer is always

haven't prayed in months

or I didn't finish my step. It's always going to be that it's not going to be well because my husband called and we got in a big fight and I got her angry, so I drank. No, that's not why we all have problems. We all have bad things happen to us. And if we're going to drink every time something bad happens to us, we're say goodbye. Now you know, I'll tell you what I'm I'm sober and happy and free, but I got a lot of stuff going on in my life right now, but my mind does not go to a drink.

Let me, let me read something

to you. I did write it down on paper just so I wasn't flipping like crazy through the book. This is what the big book says about our primary purpose. It's, it's, it's to stay sober, yes, but it's to help help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety. That's how I'm going to stay sober.

I won't read too many of them. There's too many. But here it says on page X, VI. He suddenly realized that in order to save himself, he must carry his message to another alcoholic. Page XV, I, I. It also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery.

Page XV. As part of his rehabilitation, he commenced to present his conceptions to other Alcoholics, impressing upon them that they must do likewise with still others. Page 14 particularly was an imperative to work with others as he has worked with me.

Page 15 I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the days, save the day.

Page 7. Let's see. Page 89. Practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity, immunity from drinking as much as intensive work with other Alcoholics. PJ did not again carry this message to other Alcoholics. On and on and on and on. Page 97. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. I think they're trying to tell us something, you know, it doesn't say go to as many meetings as you can

and you'll be OK.

You better get out there and, and if you have a message to carry, if you know the message, if you've had a spiritual experience, get out there and do it. It's, it's what out it. It is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Before there were meetings,