Steps 4 through 9 at the 2nd Annual Stay Sober For Keeps Workshop in Laguna Niguel, CA
All
right,
I'm
I'm
still
JK,
I'm
an
alcoholic.
I
am
an
aposta
coma.
That
was
good
food.
Woo.
Go
get
going.
I
mean
too
many
times.
I
mean
this
four
step
where
we're
at
it.
I
mean,
I
mean,
have
you
ever
somebody,
I
remember
being
an
old
school
AA
and
somebody
would
say
they
were
on
their
four
step
and
it
was
like
the
people
in
the
group
would
be
like
doing
hell
marries.
I'm
like,
oh,
I'm
so
sorry,
I'm
so
sorry.
We'll
pray
for
you
and
this
is
not
I
mean
I
and
and
it's
best
through
my
own
experiences
is
you
know
what
is
as
I
got
that
last
desire,
Chip
and
I
and
I
walked.
I
started
on
this
path
and,
and
lo
and
behold,
within
two
weeks,
I'm
at
this
point,
my
4th
step
is
complete.
You
know,
my
sponsor
after
the
third
step
gave
me
the
hug
and
he
sat
me
down
and
he
went
over
the
instructions
for
the
4th
step.
And
he
uses
these
little
forms
to
keep
us
focused
on
the
task
at
hand
here.
But
you
know,
as
good
as
I
feel
on
the
third
step,
right?
And
I've
told
you
about
some
great
experiences
I've
had
doing
third
steps.
As
great
as
I
feel
after
my
third
step,
there's
still
a
whole
bunch
of
of
garbage
blocking
me
from
God.
And
if
I
don't
get
to
the
causes,
and
if
the
causes
of
what's
blocking
me
from
God,
I'm
going
to
drink
again.
And
that's
why
at
the
bottom
of
the
page
it
tells
me
next
and
at
once
vital
and
crucial,
right?
This
is
important.
As
good
as
I
feel
in
three,
there's
a
whole
bunch
of
stuff
blocking
me.
And
as
I
relate
it
back
to
the
third
step,
my
job
is
to
stay
close
to
God
and
perform
his
work
well.
After
I've
done
my
third
step,
God
wants
to
see
me
in
action.
And
part
of
that
action
is
me
getting
my
pen
and
paper
and
writing
my
four
step,
not
thinking
about
it,
doing
it.
My
actions
show
God
how
willing
I
am
not
to
pick
up
a
drink.
And
we
used
a
little
forms.
I
mean
the
forms
are
based
out
of
this
book,
right?
Milk
sour
Mom
didn't
bail
me
out
of
jail
the
last
time.
Her
this,
this,
that.
That's
how
I
start
the
inventory.
I
just
go
down
the
list,
right?
That
all
the
names
first,
the
people
play,
you
know,
all
of
that
stuff
first.
Then
what
did
they
do
to
me?
I
mean,
it's
laid
out
precisely
in
this
book.
I
don't
need
the
1st,
5th
step
I
did
was,
I
mean,
as
one
of
those
cathartic
ones.
It
was
in
1996.
I'd
moved
back
from
Puerto
Rico
and
the
guy
told
me
how
to
do
it
and
I
did
it.
And
I
had
like
63
or
68
pages
front
and
back
of
my
stuff
and
when
I
went
over
to
this
guy's
house
on
a
Saturday
morning
and
it
was
like
AI
mean
literally
it
was
an
8
hour
ordeal
of
me
reading
this
stuff.
And
it
was,
it
was
kind
of
cool
for
me
because
I
hadn't
shared
a
lot
of
that
stuff.
It
was
a
nice
cathartic
experience
at
the
moment
of
me
dumping
all
of
this
garbage
on
this
poor
God's
kid.
I
don't
know
why
he
didn't
like
hang
himself
from
like
the
ceiling
fan.
But
the
problem
with
that
is,
is
I
did
not
understand
the
truth.
I
was
all
into
the
justification.
Well,
the
milk
didn't
get
it's
supposed
to
get
here
on
Monday.
It
got
here
on
Wednesday.
And
it's
this
and
it's
that.
And
it's
like,
I
mean,
like
I
can
make
Doctor
Phil
weep
on
my
story.
I'll
do
it.
All
right.
But
I
don't
if
I
don't
understand
the
truth.
This
is
all
for
not.
And
so
I
get
these
things.
Well,
I
don't
have
I
had
one
guy.
Well,
I'm
a
Buddhist.
I
don't
have
any
resentments.
And
I'm
like,
you
know
what,
pal?
If
I
if
you
were
drunk
on
a
bar
stool,
you'd
tell
me
all
about
it.
All
right,
so
let's
just
cut
to
the
chase
here,
all
right?
We
say
their
prayers
and
we
get
our
papers
out
and
we
start
writing.
And
I
do
the
resentments
first,
and
then
I
go
through
the
same
thing
with
the
fears.
Treatment
center
number
one.
I
tell
you,
I
didn't
wasn't
afraid
of
anything.
Look
at
the
crap
that
I
do
out
there
on
the
streets.
I
ain't
afraid
of
nothing.
By
the
time
I
got
sober,
I
realized
I
was
afraid
of
everything.
Guys
mask
fear
in
different
ways.
How
do
we
mask
fear?
Oh,
we'll
just
beat
you
up
for
it,
right?
We're
going
to
fear.
I'll
kill
you,
all
right?
We.
I
had
fear
of
staying
sober,
fear
of
not
staying
sober,
fear
of
being
in
love,
not
being
in
love,
fear
of
this,
fear
of
that.
Have
you
ever
like
pulled
up
to
a
place
and
saw
somebody's
car
or
you
thought
it
was
a
car
so
you
just
went
on
down
the
road?
Fear,
that's
a
fear.
I
had
fear,
fear
of
midgets.
I
had
it
all
on
my
just.
It
was
one
of
my
things.
I
was
traumatized
as
a
child.
I've
all
worked
through
that.
I
had
fear
of
everything
and
it
asked
me
some
questions
in
the
book
the
sex
conduct.
You
know,
too
many
guys.
Mars,
I
have
one
of
my
buddies.
He
relapsed
and
he
had
one
of
the
anyway,
he
relapsed
and
came
back
in
and
was
got
another
sponsor
and
was
doing
it.
And
I
I
literally,
I
think
he
worked
on
his
sex
inventory
for
six
months.
I
mean,
he's
going
back
through
phone
logs,
emails
and
my
buddy
what
what's
up?
And
you
know,
he's
asking
me
and
I'm
like,
dude,
you're
missing
the
whole
point
of
this
exercise.
This
ain't
a
race,
baby.
God
doesn't
care.
This
is
not
who
has
the
most
or
all.
How
did
you
treat
them?
You
know,
how
did
I
treat
these
girls
in
my
life
that
I
loved
and
that,
yeah,
it
always
gets
quiet.
Nobody,
nobody's
joking
around
at
this
point.
Everybody's
like
sitting
there
like,
Oh,
no,
but
this
is
what
I
got
to
tell
my
guys.
This
is
it's
it's
laid
out
in
a
simple
format
if
you
really
want
to
get
down
to
nuts
and
bolts.
How
they
did
it
a
lot
of
times
if
you
were
a
Clarence
Snyder
guy
back
in
the
day,
they
got
you
out
of
the
hospital.
You
did
a
third
step
prayer
to
get
out
of
the
hospital.
They
took
you
to
the
house
and
when
you
sat
down
at
the
kitchen
table,
you
thought
the
heats
off,
they
shoved
you
a
piece
of
paper
and
said
who
you
mad
at?
And
in
one
afternoon
you
got
out
of
the
hospital.
You
did
a
step
three,
you
did
a
Step
4,
you
did
a
step
five,
you
did
your
six
year
seven
and
you're
on
your
eight
step
list.
And
one
afternoon.
Screw
30
days
so
this
keeps
us
focused
on
the
task
at
hand.
This
is
not
a
long.
It's
not
fun
by
any
means.
The
reason
they
haven't
done
in
this
point
is
this
stuff
can
be
very
traumatic,
it
can
be
very
painful.
It
can
be
a
burden.
It
has
been
a
burden
on
our
souls
and
our
spirits
forever
and
ever.
We
don't
want
to
spend
a
lot
of
time
right
now.
All
this
crap.
You
know,
the
little
sheets
that
I
use,
it's
got
a
little
column
for
the
names.
It's
got
a
little
column
for
the
cause.
Milk
Sour.
It's
not.
Well,
it
was
the
5th
of
June
and
the
barometric
pressure
was
rising
and
we
had
heard
our
song
on
the
radio
and
then
she,
no,
Debbie
dumped
me
at
Christmas.
Did
you
get
it?
We'll
get
into
all
the
details
later.
I'm
going
to
get
a
chance
at
my
fist
step
to
plead
my
case.
That's
the
beauty
of
this.
I'm
going
to
get
it
very
small
chance,
but
I'm
going
to
get
the
chance
right.
But
we
don't
want
to
spin
and
that's
why
they
haven't
done
the
way
they
do
it.
We
don't
right
left
to
right
like
we're
used
to.
We
do
the
columns
one
is
very
simple.
Cliff
told
me
the
instruction
said
go
home
and
start.
You
got
a
week
to
complete
it
or
else.
So
I
went
home.
I
had
my
little
sheets
of
paper
and
I
had
my
pen.
I
said
a
prayer,
dear
God,
I'm
starting
on
my
force
that
please
help
me
be
honest.
Column
one
Mom,
Dad,
brother,
sister,
James,
Joel,
Debbie,
Jeanette,
Bubba,
Bubba,
Bubba.
Until
I
can't
write
no
more.
Tell
God
thanks.
Now
go
back
up
to
the
middle
column.
Beside
each
name,
write
a
little
note
to
myself
why
Mom
didn't
bail
me
out
of
jail.
Debbie
dumped
me
at
Christmas.
This,
this,
this,
this.
Tell
God
thanks.
Go
back
up
to
the
top.
What
did
it
affect?
Did
it
affect
my
personal
ambitions?
All
that
stuff,
right?
Check,
check,
check,
check.
Check,
right?
Maybe
I
see
it,
maybe
I
don't,
but
we're
getting
through
it
now.
We
go
to
the
4th
column.
What
is
my
role?
Was
I
selfish?
Was
I
dishonest?
Was
I
self
seeking?
Was
I
fearful?
Whatever.
Maybe
I
see
them
all.
Maybe
I
don't
see
any
of
them.
There
was
a
few
on
my
forcep.
I
didn't
see
a
one.
I
tell
my
guys,
don't
write
what
you
think
you
want.
I'm
going
to
you
write
what
comes
to
your
head.
If
it
pops
in
your
head,
write
it.
If
it
don't,
don't.
If
there's
something,
some
extenuating
circumstances
and
you
feel
the
need
little
heart
of
hearts,
to
explain
it,
flip
over
the
page
and
write
it
all
out.
I
don't
care.
The
idea
is
to
get
it
done.
To
get
it
done.
Why?
Because
the
actions
I
take
show
God
I
am
willing
to
go
to
any
length
not
to
pick
up
the
drink.
I
tell
God
thanks.
I
move
on
to
my
fears,
list
my
fears,
answer
the
questions.
Sex,
conduct.
List
those
relationships.
It's
not
that
hard.
But
if
I
sit
and
Stew
on
it,
I
will
make
a
mountain
out
of
a
molehill
like
nobody's
business.
And
I'll
never
do
it.
I'll
never,
ever
do
it
left
to
my
own
devices.
And
so,
you
know,
it's
like
they
say
S
rolls
downhill.
This
is
the
way
my
sponsor
did
it
to
him.
I
know
that's
the
way
Joe
Mcqueeney
did
it
to
him.
And
I
know
that's
the
way
that's
the
way
I
do
it
with
my
guys.
And
I
give
him
the
same
instructions
and
the
same
parameters
and
we
go
over
the
same
stuff
and
they
get
it
done.
If
something
pops
up
in
the
week,
you
know
what
I'm
saying
that
I
don't
have
split
on
how
to
take
guys
through
the
steps.
We
don't
have,
well,
we,
we're
starting
on
Monday
and
by,
you
know,
183
hours
will
be
every
guys
different.
There's
guys
that
I
know
that
can
read
with
the
best
of
them.
They
don't
understand
a
darn
thing.
So
I've
got
to
literally
sit
down
with
them
and
do
page
by
page
and
read
this
stuff
and
explain
this
stuff
to
him.
I'm
not
rushing
anybody,
but
if
I
understand
step
one,
I've
had
my
last
drink.
The
clock
is
ticking.
If
I
don't
get
to
the
power,
I
am
going
to
drink.
End
of
story.
So
that's
why
we
don't
waste
anytime.
I
mean
it.
I
mean,
I
guess
I
could
pontificate
on
this
a
long
time,
but
it's
it
ain't
that
hard
when
you
have
cliffs
sitting
there
telling
you
it's
pretty
easy
and
shoving
the
paper
your
way.
But
here's
where
the
rubber
meets
the
road.
I'm
either
going
to
say
the
prayer
and
start
riding
or
I'm
going
to
do
what
I
used
to
do
and
it
start
justifying
and
then
I
can
start
asking
people
in
a
a
land.
Well,
now
listen,
I
gave
me
a
week.
A
week.
You
can't
do
that
in
a
week.
You
need
years.
No,
see,
thank
God
for
Cliff
Bishop
and
guys
like
him
because
he
knows
the
truth.
And
the
truth
was
is
I
had
a
small
window
of
time
in
my
personal
history
to
get
sober.
And
if
I'm
taking
a
guy
through
the
work,
who
in
the
hell
am
I
to
get
between
a
man
and
his
God?
My
job
is
just
to
arrange
the
meeting,
right?
Like
like
Schwarzkopf
said,
my
job
is
to
arrange
the
meeting,
right?
All
my
job
is
to
prepare
them
and
give
them
the
instructions
so
that
they
can
do
the
work
and
shows
so
that
that
by
through
taking
their
actions,
they
will
get
to
the
power
that
saves
their
life.
And
I'm
not
going
to
try
to
keep
them
at
Bay
and
do
this
long,
drawn
out
cathartic.
I'm
not
a
behavioral
scientist.
I
have
no
idea
what
they
do.
I
just
do
what
we
do
and
it
seems
to
work.
And
if
there's
something
that
I
forgot
or
something
that
stuck
in
my
craw
or
if
there's
something
that
comes,
I
was
blacked
out.
A
whole
lot
of
the
90s.
There
has
been
stuff
come
up
after
my
4th
and
5th
step
that
I've
had
to
call
on
and
say,
dude,
all
the
sudden
I
remember
this.
You
know,
we
have
a
way
out,
right?
And
we
it's
clear
cut.
But
the
idea
was,
was
to
get
for
Cliff
was
to
get
me
in
a
position
to
where
I
was
open
up
to
the
truth
and
in,
in
seeing
that
and,
and,
and
like
Myers,
my
I
can't
remember
exactly
how
you
said
it,
but
but
getting
all
the
getting
rid
of
all
the
stuff
that
I
think
is
me
being
getting
to
the
real
me
and,
and,
and
for
me,
it
was
just
Wham,
bam,
in,
in,
in
you're
out
and
see
the
truth.
And
it
was
ugly.
But
we
got
busy
and
we
got
we
got,
we
started
doing
it
and
that's
the
way
my
guys,
we
do
it.
And
you
know,
I've
got
one
here
today
that
he
can
attest
to
the
same
fact.
We
didn't.
We
wasted
no
time.
Let's
get
in,
roll
up
our
sleeves
and
let's
find
out
what's
blocking
us
from
God.
And
the
actions
I
take
show
God
I'm
willing
to
go
to
any
length.
And
I
think
that's
probably
where
I'm
going
to
end
up.
If
your
cat's
got
any
questions,
this
would
be
a
great
time
because
I
know
four
step
stuff,
there's
probably
a
million
questions.
Any
questions?
Anybody?
Anybody.
Bueller
Yes,
we
have
a
mic
coming
your
way.
Is
it
a
OK,
now
it's
on
Oh,
what
if
you
worked
or
I
have
this
girl
that
I
worked
with
and
we
did
steps
1-2
and
three
together
and
then
sent
her
away,
You
know,
on
her
way.
She
got
steps
1-2
and
three
started
on
her
4th.
But
she
between
the
week
that
I
gave
her
to
do
her
4th,
she
drank
again.
Do
we,
I
mean,
I
was
like,
do
I
continue
with
the
4th
or
do
I
start
with
the
first
again?
Or,
you
know,
I
guess
I
just,
no,
I
mean,
and
that
comes
up,
but
obviously
in
that
situation,
to
me,
it
would
be
like,
there
might
be
something
missing
in
one,
right?
I
may
not
have
a
complete
grasp
of
one
in
my
true
situation
otherwise,
you
know?
So
we're
going
to.
Oh,
yeah,
I
totally
get
it.
You
know,
lots
of
times
people
say
that
I've
said
that.
Oh
yeah,
I
understand
my
situation.
But
as
long
as
I
had
a
plan,
as
long
as
I
felt
that
it
didn't
fully
apply,
as
long
as
I
was
special,
You
don't
really
understand
me.
Nobody's
been
where
I've
at.
As
long
as
I
had
that
going
on,
I
was
always
going
to
gravitate
towards
not
doing
it.
And
so
if
I
have
a
guy
in
that
situation,
we're
definitely
tap
the
brakes
on
Step
4.
Let's
go
back
and
revisit
step
one
and
see
where
we're
missing
the
pieces.
Because
somewhere
out
there,
you
seem
to
think
you
can
drink
successfully,
or
you
seem
to
think
that
you
can
control
the
situation,
or
you
can
just
pull
up
when
you
need
to.
So
you
don't.
And
obviously
that's
not
where
I'm
at.
Yeah.
So
yeah,
we
definitely
backtrack.
Yes,
yes,
Sir.
Wait.
OK,
we
got
one
up
here.
I
on
page
66,
there's
a
bottom
paragraph.
It
says
we
turn
back
to
the
list
for
it
held
the
key
to
the
future.
My
question
is,
is
my
interpretation
and,
and
yours
might
be
different,
but
I'd
like
to
hear
hear
from
you.
We
were
prepared
to
look
at
it
from
a
different
entirely
different
angle.
How
did
we
how
do
you
approach
that
and
where,
what,
what
columns
are
you
looking
at
or
what
are
you
looking
at
from
a
they're
leading
us
into
the
4th
column.
Here's
here's
here's
my
general
assessment
on
my
4th
step.
Debbie
broke
up
with
me
at
Christmas.
I
hate
her.
She
must
die,
right?
Yes.
Do
we
need
to
go
any
further?
That's
my
assessment
of
the
situation.
Me
preparing
to
look
at
it
from
a
different
angle
is
where
did
I
go
wrong?
What
did
I,
how
did
I
contribute
to
that
Right.
It's
not
like
she
just
woke
up
one
day
and
said
I
hate
JK
now.
I
right.
So
I
got
to
look
at
it
going
on
in
that
paragraph,
it
says
we
began
to
see
that
the
world
and
its
people
really
dominated
us,
you
know?
So
here
I
am
stewing
it
because
all
I
know
is
the
first
three
parts.
She
broke
up
with
me
at
Christmas.
I
hate
her,
she
must
die.
I've
moved
on
five
years
from
now.
Even
when
he
ran
into
me
at
home
or
bound,
the
first
time
that
was
still
a
topic
in
my
head
was
this
guy.
This
happened
years
prior.
Guess
what?
She
has
moved
on.
I
mean,
while
I'm
drinking
myself
to
death,
thinking
about
something
that
happened
back
then,
right?
I'll
show
her
what
am
I
doing
drinking
myself
to
She
owns
me
and
doesn't
even
know
it.
That
those
things,
those
resentments,
those
fears
own
me.
So
I
got
to
look
at
it
from
a
different
perspective,
the
perspective
of
being
of
column
four
stuff,
selfish,
self-centered,
egotistical,
full
of
fear.
How
did
I
harm
these
people?
You
know,
did
I
put
myself
in
a
position
to
be
harmed?
Was
my
own
self
seeking
motives?
Did
it
get
me
in
that
situation?
Was
I
dishonest
about
the
situation?
Those
are
all
the
things
that
I
look
at.
Too
many
times
in
a
a
land
we
say
we
are
going
to
look
at
my
part.
Well,
that's
not
really
true.
It
is
my
part.
But
having
my
part
implies
that
you
have
a
part.
You
may
not
have
a
part.
I
looked
at
my
wrongs,
right?
We
look
for
our
own
mistakes,
right?
So
did
I
answer
the
the
the
question
is,
is
that
this
my
interpretation?
You
can
say
it's
I'm
looking
at
it
from
the
perspective
that
person
looking
at
me
in
my
faults
it
you
know,
and
where
I
what
my
part
was,
for
instance,
as
she
broke
up
with
me
at
Christmas.
I
hate
her.
I
want
to
kill
her.
You
know
that
that's
my
inventory.
The
4th
is
being
is
just
that
what
does
she
look
at
me
and
and
my
selfishness,
myself
centeredness
and
so
on.
How
what
I'm
trying
to
say
is
is
that
I'm
looking
at
it
from
from
the
person
or
the
person's
perspective
looking
back
at
me
in
that
4th
column.
How
do
you
I
know
you
can
put
you
just
check
marks.
That's
what
you're
talking
about.
No,
well,
on
the
sheet
check
marks,
yes,
right
or
however
you
want
to
do
it
or
just
write
them
out.
I
was
selfish.
I
was,
but
they're
asking
me
where
I
was
selfish.
That's
what
the
book
says,
not
was
I
selfish?
The
book
is
asking
me
where
I
was
selfish,
right,
So
that's
a
whole
different
thing.
It's
easy
to
say
I'm
selfish,
self-centered.
You
get
statistical
full
of
fear.
Where
was
I
selfish?
Where
was
I
egotistical?
Where
was
I
self
seeking?
Those
are
the
deep
seated
questions
asked
about
we
got
to
get
to
the
exact
nature
of
our
defects.
It's
one
thing
to
understand
that
I'm
selfish
and
self-centered.
It's
a
whole
other
thing
to
understand
the
my
selfishness
carries
many
forms.
So
yes,
we're
looking
at
it
from
a
different
perspective,
whether
it's
through
the
eyes
of
others
or
more
specifically,
what
were
my
mistakes?
You
know,
that's
that's
the
do
new
perspective.
Yes,
one
up
here
I
feel
like
a
candidate
at
a
debate.
My
name
my
name
is
Randy
Harris,
alcoholic
chapter
seven
group.
I
had
a
question
about
between
the
3rd
and
4th
column.
Do
we
are
we
able
to
actually
have
an
honest
look
at
our
part
in
it
without
doing
what
was
told
me
the
four
step
prayer
when
we
asked
God
that
we
could
show
them
the
same
tolerance,
pity
and
patients
that
we
would
cheerfully
grant
a
sick
friend?
Do
we
because
I
was
when
I
was
taken
through
my
four
step
I
top
to
bottom
person
cause
affected
then
I
ask
God
to
help
me
from
being
angry
at
that
person
that
way
I
could
take
an
honest
look
at.
He
told
me
it
was
called
the
bridging
prayer.
Is
that
something
that
the
primary
purpose
group
encourages
or
is
that
actually
because
it
to
me,
it
looks
like
it
does
through
the
the
reading
of
the
literature
that,
you
know,
there's
a
prayer
to
be
said
before
we
actually
look
at
the
4th
column.
And
then
I'm
glad.
I
don't
understand.
Is
says
we
avoid
a
tally,
a
retaliation
in
an
argument.
Who
are
we
retaliating
and
arguing
with?
Because
this
is
our
inventory.
Are
we
arguing
with
ourselves?
Well,
it
almost
looks
like
it's
a
preliminary
to
a
nice
type
of
man's
almost.
Yeah.
Well,
thank
you.
No,
that's
that's
good
stuff.
I'm
trying
to
get
this
out
succinctly
when
I
when
I'm
in
the
physical
process
of
doing
the
inventory,
Yes,
these
are
my
instructions
all
right.
And
and
in
writing
these
stuff
on
the
page
can
be
troublesome
and
we've
got
a
prayer
for
that.
Like
you're
saying,
obviously
at
that
position,
I'm
not
a,
I
look
at
that
little
prayer
almost
on
a,
on
a
day-to-day
basis,
you
know,
of,
of
hey,
the
world's
full
of
knuckleheads.
And
instead
of
playing
ball
with
them,
I'm
going
to
realize
in
my
head
and
my
critical
thinking
that
these
people
are
kind
of
twisted
and
I'm
going
to
see
where
I
can
be
helpful
these
people.
But
the
same
thing
applies
to
my,
to
my
four
step.
But
I
didn't
go
into
the,
for
me
personally,
I
didn't
get
into
the
depth
of
it
because
at
that
point
in
the
line,
I
could,
my
eyes
were
barely
uncrossed.
All
right?
It
was
a
simple
process
for
me
to
get
the
stuff
on
paper
and,
and
look
for
the
mistakes
that
I
may
have,
may
or
may
not
or
think
I've
made
in
those
situations
and
try
to
be
as
honest
as
I
can
about
each
situation.
All
right.
And
like
I
said,
there's
some
that
I
didn't
check.
I
have
anything
listed
up.
I
didn't
see
where
I
was
selfish.
This
one
lady,
she
an
illegal
immigrant,
ran
a
red
light
and
totaled
my
car.
OK,
and
I
had
insurance
and
she
didn't,
right?
I
didn't
really
see
my
part.
I
was
not
being
selfish
or
dishonest
or
egotistical
when
I
wrote.
The
4th
fist
step
was
a
different
answer
because
there's
a
whole
back
story
behind
that
and
I
was
all
of
the
above.
But
but
did
I
answer
the
question?
Now
I
feel
like
Rick
Perry,
that's
why
he's
not
running.
Yeah.
OK.
We'll
pass
off.
That's
a
great
question.
That's
a
great
question
on
this
stuff
because
the,
the,
the
unless
we
can
understand,
it's
interesting
that
if
you
start
down
the
bottom
page
66,
we'll
look
at
this
real
quick.
We
got
like
5
minutes.
This
was
our
course.
We
realized
that
the
people
who
wronged
us
were
perhaps
spiritually
sick.
Now
this
is
a
novel
idea.
They're
introducing
us
to
an
idea
that
we'd
never
even
thought
of
before.
I'm
only
thinking
of
the
drama.
She's
a
mean
girl.
That's
as
far
as
it
went.
And
now
they're
they're,
they're
getting
us
to
look
at
this
thing
from
a
different
perspective.
This
is
sort
of
answering
his
question
too.
At
the
same
time
on
this
thing,
though,
we
did
not
like
their
symptoms.
This
is
column
one
and
call,
I
mean
column
two
and
column
three.
But
we
did
not
like
their
symptoms
and
the
way
these
disturbed
us.
They,
like
ourselves,
were
sick
too.
So
now
I'm
beginning
to
look
at
these
things
from
a
different
perspective
that
perhaps
these
guys
are
spiritually
battling
the
same
battle
that
I'm
battling,
which
which
puts
them
in
a
in
instead
of
an
adversarial
kind
of
a
relationship.
All
of
a
sudden
it
puts
us
kind
of
side
by
side
heading
down
the
same
path.
And
it's
an
interesting
thing
how
much
drama
you
can
get
over
with
if
you
understand
that
they're
struggling
too.
And
the
saddest
part
about
that
stuff
is
guys,
is
it
oftentimes
we
begin
to
realize
that
they're
struggling
with
the
same
stuff
that
we
are
a
program
to
deal
with
it,
which
is
it?
Which
I
mean,
which
is
a
death
warrant
for
them.
I
mean,
this
is
a
disaster
for
those
guys.
At
least
we
can
see
clear
and,
and
walk
to
the
through
the,
through
the
deal.
We
asked
God
to
help
us
show
them
the
same
tolerance,
pity
and
patience
we
would
cheerfully
grant
a
sick
friend.
Wow,
what
a
great
what
a
great
way
to
look
at
this
thing
as
we
begin
to
scoop
up
some
of
these
ideas
and
and
and
and
address
these
things.
Yes,
he
asked
a
simple
question.
Don't
you
don't
have
a
mic,
brother.
Why
don't
we
talk
about
this
right
as
soon
as
we
get
done
off
this
podium,
OK,
because
the
taping,
it's
going
to
sound
goofy,
even
goofier
than
me.
OK,
the
answer
that
stuff
guys,
I
think
so
let's
let's
go
take
a
break
and
then
and
then
if
we
come
back,
if
we
have
some
more
questions
about
this
stuff,
then
we'll
talk
about
that.
And
we're
kind
of
heading
into
the
homestretch
around
this
12
step
stuff,
which
is
really
the
reason
we
came
to
talk
about
this
stuff.
Thanks
guys.
How
do
you
all,
you
know,
what's
really
cool
is
that
other
than
some
people
going
to
sleep
a
minute
ago,
I
mean,
most
of
you
guys
are
still
here,
which
is
a,
which
is
a
big
deal
like
that.
You
know,
in,
in,
in
Europe,
they
had
this,
this,
this
idea
that
in
these
workshops,
it's
what
they
want
to
do
is
they
want
to
just
dump
as
much
stuff
into
a
weekend
as
they
can.
And
so
the,
the
workshop
start
like
at
noon
on
Friday
and
they'll
go
all
day
Friday,
Saturday,
they
start
at
8:00
and
they
go
all
the
way
through
to
like
8:00
or
9:00
at
night.
And
it's
just
like
it's
beating.
I
mean,
it's
just
like
you,
you
just,
I
mean,
it's,
it's
it,
I
mean,
I
got
plenty
to
say.
I
mean,
I,
I
can
fill
some
time.
And
then
they
get
up
Sunday
morning
and
they
do
it
again
and
go
until
like
2:00
or
3:00
in
the
afternoon
on
Sunday.
It's
just
two
dad
gum
much.
And
so
these,
these
guys
that
are
organizing
these
things
we
said,
guys,
listen,
it's
not
that
we
can't,
it's
not
that
we
can't
bring
some
stuff
to
talk
about
because
we
can.
The
deal
is,
though,
is
that
I
don't
care
how
entertaining
you
are.
I
don't
care
how
engaging
you
are
as
a
speaker,
you
physically
can't
sit
there
that
much.
You
just
can't
do
it.
At
some
point
in
time,
you
just
go
clink.
And
I'm
thinking
about,
did
I
get
the
stuff
out
of
the
dryer?
Did
I,
you
know,
I
mean,
I
just
got
a
million
things.
My
head
just
starts
going
like
this
and,
and
it's,
and
we're
going
to,
we're
going
to
avoid
that
at
all
cost.
Because
the
reality
of
what
this
is,
is
what
I'd
like
you
to
do
is
I'd
like
you
to
leave
here
today
feeling
a
bit
engaged
and
a
bit
energized
to
go
to
your,
to
your
respective
meeting
places
and,
and,
and
this
kind
of
stuff
and
be
be
energized
a
bit
to,
to
so
that
you
can
get
a
little
bit
of
momentum
going.
That's
what
these
things
are
fun
for
rather
than
a
verbal
kind
of
beaten
that
just,
you
know,
holy
cow.
So
what
we're
going
to
do
is
I
think,
I
know,
I
know
the
program
says
530,
but
probably
and
truly
I
just
for
you
clock
watchers
like
me,
and
I'll
live
by
it.
What
we're
probably
going
to
do,
we're
going
to,
I'm
going
to
kind
of
move
rather
briskly
through
this
idea
of
6789
and
we're
going
to
talk
specifically
about
some
things
that
I
think
are
important.
We
won't
cover
all
of
that
deal,
but
what
I'm
trying
to
do
is
get
this
thing
set
up
so
we
can
spend
a
bit
of
time
in
the
last
hour
that
we're
talking
about
this
thing,
talking
about
10
and
12
and
JK,
and
I'll
split
some
of
that
stuff
up.
But
really
and
truly
everything
that
we
came
to
talk
about
was
that,
I
mean,
there
are
some
other
stuff
that's
important,
but,
but,
but
everything
moves
us
to
a
place
of
that,
those
last
three
steps.
And
it's
kind
of
ironic
because
in
a
lot
of
places,
it's
those
last
three
steps
that
get
kind
of
shortchanged.
And
we
kind
of
skirt
around
them
and,
and,
and
we
talk
about
them
very
little
and
we
do
very
little
around
them.
And
the
miracle
of
recovery,
the
miracle
of
who
we
become
as
sober
members
of
this
deal,
all
is
determined
by
that,
by
how
active
and
effective
we
are
in
those
disciplines
of
1011
and
12.
And
so
we
want
to
spend
a
little
bit
of
time
with
that,
but
I
suspect
we'll
be,
I
suspect
we'll
be
clear
out
of
here
by
even
if
we
do
Q&A,
we'll
be
clear
out
of
here
by
probably
4:30-ish
or
4:45
like
this.
So
you,
and
maybe
not
even
that
late,
but
I
guess
'cause
I,
you
guys
need
to,
I
remember
doing
a
talk
one
time
in,
in,
in
Yakima,
WA
and
it
was
a,
at
the
end
of
it
was
the
end
of
winter
and
everybody
was
just
like,
like,
like,
I
mean,
we
were
all,
you
know.
And
somewhere
during
the
course
of
the
day,
the
day
turned
out
just
like
this.
It
was
really
pretty
outside
and
the
sun
came
out
and
some
clown
decided
it
was
a
good
idea
to
open
the
doors.
And
they
open
these
big
sliding
doors
on
one
side
and
everything
just
kind
of
came
in
and
everybody,
everybody
just
went
clink
and
just
shut
off.
I
mean,
nobody
was
because
everybody
was
looking.
These
cats
have
been
have
been
cooped
up
all
winter
and
it
was
the
first
good
spring
day
and
they're
going
skinny
guy
from
Texas
spring
day
and
it's
just
like
it's
bad.
And
so
we,
we,
we
want
you
to,
to
leave
with
some
energy
and
we'll
do
that.
The
an
amazing
amount
of
questions
and
answers
and
comments,
mostly
comments
around
the,
this
inventory
stuff
that
we
talked
about.
I
think
that
anytime
we
approach
this
stuff
and
we
look
at
it,
there's
a
reason
why
this
has
been
a
real
goofy
part
of
our
program
and
why
it's
been
left
up
to
a
bunch
of
folks
to,
to
to
move
and
manipulate
some.
I'm
not
saying
that
there
hadn't
been
some
exciting
things
that
people
have
done
in
inventories,
but
by
and
large,
I've
seen
this
from
both
perspectives,
both
as
a
right
and
long
and
talking
long
and
all
this
kind
of
stuff.
And
I've
seen
it
doing
it
shorter
and
more
abbreviated.
And
I
can
tell
you
beyond
a
shadow
of
a
doubt
that
that
that
a
more
abbreviated
inventory,
if
you'll
try
it
and
trust
the
process,
you'll
begin
to
see
that
the
stuff
gets
moved
away
quicker
and
cleaner.
I
want
to
tell
you
a
quick
story.
Is
it?
It'll
be
story
10
minutes.
I
want
to
tell
you
the
story.
And,
and
while
y'all
just
sit
back
and,
and,
and
doze.
And
if
you
snore,
I
will
poke
you
a
little
bit,
but
you're
welcome
to
sleep.
A
guy
asked
me
on
the
break.
This
is
a
little
bit
out
of
place,
but
I
want
to
bring
it
here
and
set
it
right
here
because
it
I
won't
have
another
place
to
put
it.
And
there
was
a
guy
that
asked
me
about
doing
multiple
fifth
steps
earlier.
And
we
were
talking
about
that
some
and
we
were
talking
about
the
idea
of
revisiting
the
idea
of,
of,
of,
of
fifth
steps.
I
was
raised
in
from
the
sponsorship
lineage
where
you
did
one
fifth
step.
God
bless
you.
We
did
sponsorship
lineage
one
time.
We
did
the,
the,
the
inventory
one
time.
And
then
that
was
it.
We
were
done
with
it.
And
you
never
did
it.
You
stayed
current
in
1011
and
12,
but
you
only
did
one
inventory.
And
then
my
twin
brother
on
the
other
side
of
the
equation,
the
evil
twin,
Chris.
Chris
is
from
a
sponsorship
lineage
where
they
do
multiple
fifth
steps
over
and
over
and
over
again
over
a
period
of
time.
OK,
now
and
I
and
I've
got
no,
I've
come
to
a
place
in
my
in
my
recovery
where
I've
looked
at
this
thing
from
both
sides
and,
and
can
no
longer
judge
either
way
as
being
the
end
all
be
all.
I
see
it's
kind
of
like
a
double
edged
sword.
I
see
both
sides
of
this
thing.
And
so,
so
I'll
tell
you
this
story
The,
the,
the
five
or
six
years
ago
there
abouts
we
were
in
Alaska.
Chris
and
I
were
in
Alaska
doing
a
workshop
and
it
was
a
long
weekend
kind
of
deal.
And
we,
what
we
decided,
I
don't
know
whether
Chris
decided
it
or
I
decided
it,
but
one
way
or
the
other,
we
were
going
to
be
done
on
Saturday
night
about
8:00.
And
rather
the
sun
was
still
up.
I
mean,
at
8:00
at
night,
9:00
ten
o'clock,
you
can
read
a
newspaper
at
4:00
AM.
And
we
were,
we
were,
I
just
said,
why
don't
we
just
go
to
the
airport
tonight
and
we'll
save
the
conference,
the,
the,
the,
the
fair
on
the,
on
the
hotel
room
again.
And,
and
then
we'll
just
catch
the
flight
at
6:30
in
the
morning.
And
we
just
finished
doing
this
talk.
And
I
thought,
this
is
we're
up
and
it's
OK.
You
know,
you
got
a
little
energy
about
you.
And
I'm
thinking
this
is
going
to
be
great
when
we
get
to
to
Anchorage
International
and,
and
the
people
are
waning.
There's
just
not
very
many
people
there.
And
we're
starting
to
talk
and
I'm
grousing
like
a
like
a
big
dog.
I
mean,
I'm,
I'm,
I'm
cussing
everybody.
I'm
just
like,
I'm
telling,
I'm
telling,
I'm
telling
Chris
stories
about
our
family
and,
and
I'm,
and
I'm
hating
my
sister
and
I'm
hating
this
and
I'm
hating
that
and
why
is
my
mom
this
way
and
this
kind
of
stuff.
And
Chris
is
just
sitting
there
kind
of
looking
at
me.
I
don't
think
Chris
said
anything
the
whole
time
like
that
for
like
2
hours.
He's
listening
to
me
rail
against
everybody
I
know.
And
I'm,
I'm
thinking
we're
just
making
brother
conversation.
You
know,
it
never
occurred
to
me
that
he
wasn't
talking.
I
just
like
selfishness
and
self
centeredness.
Comma
is
the
root
of
our.
So
we,
we
finally,
Chris
looks
at
me
like
this
and
he
got
his
hands
on
his
knees,
his
elbows
on
his
knees.
And
he
looks
over
at
me
like
this.
And
he
says,
how
long
has
it
been
since
you
did
some
inventory?
And
I
went,
it's
none
of
your
business.
And
I
just
started
looking
straight
ahead
like
this.
And
Chris
goes,
no,
really.
And
I
went,
I
don't
know,
14
years
ago,
something
like
that.
And
he
goes,
OK,
he
didn't
say
another
word.
Now,
by
that
time,
there's
nobody
in
that
airport.
There's
nobody
there
but
me
and
Chris.
There's
a
guy
way
down
on
the
other
end
of
that
terminal
with
one
of
those
floor
sweeper
things
going
like
this.
And
that's
all
you
can
hear
in
that
terminal
is
Chris
and
me
and
that
guy
down
there.
And
so
finally,
after
about
30
minutes,
he
just
sitting
there
looking
at
this
wall.
I
said,
if
I
write
some
inventory,
will
you
listen
to
it?
And
he
goes,
yeah.
And
and
so
I
look
around
and
there
was
an
envelope
in
my
big
book.
And
I
picked
it
up
like
this
and
flipped
it
over.
And
I
said,
you
got
a
pen?
And
he
gave
me
a
pen,
and
I
just
started
writing
it
on.
That's
why
I
turned
these
things
envelope
inventories.
It's
not
big
drawn
out
notebook
after
note
back
after
notebook
on
stuff.
It's
an
envelope.
And
I'm
just
writing
this
stuff
down.
And
so
it
took
me
about
25
minutes
to
write
down
these
resentments
I
had
with
my
family
and
with
some
of
the
stuff
that
was
going
on
at
work
and
some
of
this
other
thing
like
this.
And,
and,
and
I'm
just
kind
of
writing
this
stuff
down
like
this
and
it's
real
quiet.
And
finally
I
get
it,
finish
it.
I
look
at
Chris
and,
and
he
says,
read
it.
And
I
saw
I
read
through
it
like
this
and
he
makes
very
few
comments
And
there's
a
couple
of
times
he
looked
at
me
and
he
goes,
what
about
this?
And
he
made
a
suggestion
and
I
went,
OK,
and
a
little
bit
later
he
made
another
suggestion.
But
basically
that's
just
about
it.
And
I
remember
setting
it
down
like
he
said,
that's
it.
I
said,
Yep,
that's
it.
And
I
put
it
in
my
big
book
and
I'm
just
sitting
there
looking
straight
ahead.
It's
all
quiet
in
there
like
this.
And
I'm
thinking,
I
think
I'll
run
to
the
bathroom
real
quick
and,
and
I
get
up
and
walk
in
there
like
this
and
I'll
go
in
this
bathroom
like
this.
And
I'm
standing
there
in
front
of
this,
this,
this,
I'm
going
to
the
bathroom.
Why
I
get
myself
in
these,
these
cul
de
sacs.
I
can't
get
out
of
it.
So
I'm
just,
I'm
just
sitting
there
like
this
and,
and,
and
all
of
a
sudden
I
turn
around
and
I'm
washing
my
hands
and
I'm
looking
in
the
mirror
and
all
of
a
sudden
I
look
at
myself
and
I
went,
holy
cow.
And
I'm
telling
you
guys,
I
felt
like
I
was
brand
new,
sober
and
clean
as
I've
ever
been.
You
understand
what
I'm
saying?
It
was
this
this
weird
kind
of
deal.
It's
just
like
I
just,
I
felt
like,
like
big
old
dumbbells
had
been
just
lifted
off
my
shoulders
and
I
just
dropped
them
clunk
on
the
ground
and
I
walked
out
of
that
bathroom.
Let
me
tell
you
how
I
as
I
was
walking
out
of
that
bathroom,
some
guy
showed
up
in
the
terminal
and
he
walked
in
the
bathroom
just
as
I
was
coming
out
and,
and,
and
he's
looking
at
me
and
he
goes
like
this
when
I
walk
by.
And
it
took
me
a
minute.
It
took
me
a
couple
of
steps
on
the
outside
of
the
bathroom
to
know
that
I
must
have
been
grinning
ear
to
ear
when
I
walked
out
of
that
bathroom,
because
he's
looking
inside
the
bathroom
to
see
if
there's
somebody
else
in
there
with
me,
Becca.
But
he's
just
like,
but
it's
just
the
reason
I'm
telling
you
this
story,
guys,
is
this
area
of
4th
and
5th
step
stuff
is
an
area
that
sometimes
I
think
us
older
guys
and
gals
tend
to
ignore.
We
tend
to
go,
I
did
that.
I
don't
need
to
do
that
again.
And
I,
I
understand
the
wisdom
around
staying
active
in
the
disciplines
of
10/11
and
12:00,
except
that
my
experience
was
that
I
needed
to
go
back
and
look
at
it
again.
I
needed
to
go
back
and
investigate
those
things
as
I
went
back
through.
And
I
remember
walking
back
to
Chris
and
it
was
like
I
floating
down
that
terminal
like
that.
It
was
just
the
craziest
thing
in
the
whole
wide
world.
If
you've
been
around
for
a
little
while
and
things
have
gotten
a
little
stale
and
flat,
even
if
you're
carrying
the
message,
guys,
I
mean,
I'm
a,
I'm
a
12
stepping
fool.
I'm
still
doing
a
bunch
of
stuff.
But
even
if
you've
done
this,
I
think
that
it's
possible
to
daily
build
up
this
sort
of
patina
of
uglyness
in
our
lives.
Some
they're
not
big,
big
goofy
drama.
There's
none
of
that
going
on.
It's
just
little,
little,
little
crazy
things.
Somebody
said
something
a
little
resentment
here.
It's
a
little
bit.
All
of
that
stuff
begins
to
stack
up
and
begins
to
kind
of
kind
of
haze
things
over
and
pretty
soon
trying
to
feel
that
sunlight
of
the
spirit
is
getting
harder
and
harder
and
harder
and
you're
feeling
more
distance
and
this
kind
of
thing.
Try
that,
see
what
happens.
It'd
be
the,
be
the
coolest
at
the
end
of
this
inventory
deal,
they
gave
us
a,
they
gave
us
some
instructions.
Bottom
page
75,
top
page
76.
They,
they,
they,
it's
an
interesting
deal.
We
go
through
this
thing
and
we
do
this,
this
fifth
step.
We
got
the
5th
step
promises
in
the
middle
of
75.
And
then
they
give
us
some
instructions
and
they
say
returning
home,
we
find
a
place
where
we
can
be
quiet
for
an
hour,
carefully
reviewing
what
we
have
done.
We
thank
God
from
the
bottom
of
our
heart
that
we
know
him
better.
Now,
taking
this
book
down
from
our
shelves,
we
turn
to
the
page
which
contains
the
12
steps.
I
got
to
I
got
to
tell
you
when
I
did
my
inventory
with
Chris,
I
mean
with
Clifford,
when
I
first
got
to
primary
purpose
group
and
I
read
this
thing
when
we
finished
like
this
and
it
said
that
that
deal
like
this,
I
asked
Cliff,
believe
it
or
not,
the
steps
are
in
here
because
when
the
group
I
was,
the
steps
were
always
on
the
wall.
I
didn't
know
the
12
steps
were
in
the
center
of
this
book.
I'm
just
telling
you,
man,
some
of
us
are
sicker
than
others,
and
some
of
us
just
flat
ass
ignore
it.
And
if
nobody's
holding
you
accountable,
we
just
assume
that
everybody
knows
all
this
other
kind
of
stuff,
guys.
And
I'm
telling
you,
there
are
a
lot
of
guys
here
that
don't
know
anything.
Sometime
when
you
meet
Chris
Raymer,
when
you
meet
my
twin
brother
personally,
ask
him
how
long
he
took
him
to
figure
out
what
a
big
book
was.
I
mean,
he's
all
over
town
and
Barnes
and
Noble
asking
people
for
a
big
book
and
they're
looking
at
him
going,
well,
how
big
a
book
do
you
want?
You
see
what
I'm
saying?
I
mean,
we
just
assume
that
everybody
knows
these
kind
of
things.
We,
we
don't.
We
don't,
it's
just
crazy
like
this.
They're
going
to
ask
us
some
questions
at
the
bottom
of
the
saying,
carefully
reading
the
1st
5
proposals,
we
ask
if
we
have
omitted
anything
for
we're
building
an
arch
through
which
we
will
walk
a
freeman
at
last.
Is
our
work
solid
so
far?
This
is
great,
great
information
to
reflective
information
or
the
stones
properly
in
place.
Have
we
skimped
on
the
cement
put
into
the
foundation
if
we
tried
to
make
mortar
without
sand?
All
of
these
are
wonderful
mortar
metaphors
from
Bill's
experience
with
his
with
his
grandfather
who
is
a
brick
Mason.
And
a
lot
of
this
stuff
comes
to
to
bear.
I
mean,
it's
just
like
pretty
cool
stuff.
And
so
if
we
can
answer
these
to
our
satisfaction,
we
then
look
at
step
6.
We've
emphasized
willingness
as
being
indispensable.
And
look
at
the
way
that
this
is
written.
I
mean,
I
can
think
of
100
ways
to
write
this
and
none
of
them
are
as
effective
as
the
way
it
was
written.
Are
we
now
ready
to
let
God
remove
from
us
all
the
things
we've
we
have
admitted
or
objectionable?
Guys,
I
think
that
the
reason
that
God
does
not
remove
things
from
us
is
that
we
don't
think
that
they're
objectionable.
You
see,
I
think
that
a
lot
of
times
This
is
why
this
exercise
here
is
so
amazingly
powerful.
Because
for
some
of
us,
this
is
the
first
time
that
we
got
to
put
a
bead
on
it
and
and
see
and
and
and
and
come
to
grips
with
the
fact
that
it's
simply
objectionable
and
that
we
need
to
have
this
stuff
removed.
Either
ask
us
the
question
and
then
can
he
now
take
them
all?
Everyone,
that's
a
question
we
don't
necessarily
have
to
answer.
Yes.
I
mean,
as
the
more
and
more
you
sponsor,
the
more
and
more
you'll
realize
that
there
are
things
in
our
life
that
sometimes
we're
not
willing
to
get
give
up.
Have
you
ever
sponsored
a
guy
or
have
you
ever
sponsored
a
lady
who's
having
a
extramarital
affair
with
some
guy
and
she's
not
ready
to
give
that
up
yet?
It
happens
all
the
time,
you
see.
I
mean,
there
are
a
lot
of
things
guys
have
you
sponsored
guys
like
this
and
they're
twisted
up
in
porn
and
they're
they're
ready.
I'll
give
up
anything,
but
I'm
not
ready
to
give
up
the
porn.
It
happens
all
the
time,
you
see,
because
for
them
in
this
situation,
that's
not
objectionable
yet,
but
it
will
be.
Trust
me
on
this.
It
will
be
if
we
if
we
still
cling
to
something
we
will
not
let
go.
We
ask
God
to
help
us
be
willing.
What
an
amazing,
amazing
paragraph
that
is.
Even
if
I'm
not
ready
to
have
this
stuff
gone,
I'm
going
to
have
submit
to
the
process
until,
until
God
makes
me
willing
to
to
to
get
rid
of
it.
And
it's
an
amazing
thing
to
see
a
lot
of
this
stuff.
I'll
tell
you
a
quick
story.
This
is
a
weird,
a
weird
kind
of
a
of
a
deal,
but
we
had
a,
one
of
the
things
I
didn't
want
to
give
up
was
that
I
used
to,
I
used
to
do
a
lot
of
deliveries
in
town
in
Dallas
and
there
was
this,
this
a
bunch
of
strip
joints.
Now
these
strip
joints
were
kind
of
part
of
my
old
life
and,
and,
and
I
knew
a
lot
of
these
people
in
here.
It
was
kind
of
a
social
sort
of
a
thing
too.
There's
a
lot
of
girls
in
there
naked.
And
it
was
just
like,
it
was
just
like,
I'm
not
going
to
make,
I'm
not
going
to
lie
to
you
that
it
was
all
this
big
fellowship
Y
thing
because
it
wasn't.
But
so
we
get,
we
get,
I
do
this
inventory
with
Clifford
and
I'm
looking
at
this
thing
and
one
of
the
things
that
came
up
and
I
went,
my,
I'm
just
not
ready
to
give
that
up.
And,
and,
and
so
there
it
was.
But
I
was
willing
to
be
willing.
I
mean,
I
was,
I
was
asking
God
to
help
me
be
willing
on
the
thing
because
I
wanted
to
be
done
with
all
this.
I
knew
that
this
was
no
way
to
live
and
I
knew
it.
And
so
as
funny
as
it
would
be,
about
four
weeks
after
this
all
happened
like
this,
I,
I
went
into
town
is
really
cold
in
Dallas
and
I
remember
going
to
town
to
make
a
delivery
about
2:00
and
it's
starting
to
sleet.
And
I'm
thinking,
man,
we're,
we're
done
with
work
today.
I'm
going
to
go
by
and,
and,
and
stop
in
and
see
these
folks
and
these
friends
of
mine.
So
I
go
in
there
and
I
remember
out
of
the
car
and
feeling
a
little
uncomfortable
and
I
walked
up
to
the
door
and
I
get
right
to
the
door
and
I
open
it
up
like
I've
done
100
times.
I
open
it
up
and
I
walk
towards
the
door.
And
as
I
opened
it
up,
I
felt
like
I
had
been
abandoned.
Now,
guys,
I
don't
have
any
other
way
to
explain
it.
I
went
huh?
And
I
closed
the
door.
It's
freezing
cold
out
here,
guys.
The
winds
blowing
100
miles
an
hour
out
there.
Typical
Dallas
winter
day.
And
I'm,
and
I'm
just,
and
I
open
the
door
again
and
I,
as
I
step
in,
it
was
like
God
was
standing
there
out
there
going,
OK,
slick
rock,
but
you're
on
your
own
if
you
go
in
there.
And
I
went
and
closed
the
door
again.
And
I'm
standing
on
the
outside,
my
hands
still
on
the
door.
And
one
more
time
I
opened
it
up
and
I'm
holding
the
door
open
and
these
girls
in
there
are
screaming.
I
mean,
they're
mad
because
I'm
holding
the
door
open
and
they're
freezing
in
there.
And,
and
I
finally,
I
just
went
Dang.
And
I
closed
the
door
and
I
walked
back
out
in
my
truck
and
I
just
sat
there
and
just
got,
I
mean,
I
just
sat
there
and
I,
I
finally
started
the
truck
up
and
drove
home
about
a
week
later,
same
kind
of
situation.
And
I
remember
pulling
back
up
into
the
parking
lot
of
this
place
and
I
stopped
my
truck,
swung
out
of
the
cab
of
that
truck
and
my
feet
hit
the
ground
in
the
parking
lot
of
that
place.
And
the
same
thing
happened,
the
exact
same
thing.
And
it
was
like
it
was
like,
rock
on
if
you
want
to
do
OK.
But
I'm
telling
you,
I've
never
felt
so
alone
and
so
hung
out
and
so
vulnerable.
And
I
did
standing
in
that
parking
lot.
He
wasn't
even
going
to,
he
wasn't
even
going
to
let
me
get
to
the
door
this
time.
He's
going
to
stop
me
as
soon
as
my
feet
hit
the
parking
lot.
Now,
listen,
I'm
not
here
to
expound
any
morals
on
anybody
else.
I'm
not
trying
to
push
anything
off
on
the
thing
like
this.
But
but
I
think
when
God's
ready
for
you
to
be
done
with
something,
he's
ready
for
you
to
be
done
with
something,
whether
it
be
that
or
whether
it
be
overeating
or
whether
it
be
smoking
or
whether
it
be
whatever
that
what
it
didn't
matter,
whatever
it
is
when
he's
ready
if
you're
going
to
be
done.
And
I
had
no
more
say
in
that
in
the
man
of
the
moon
like
this.
I
just
know
I
was,
I
was
ready
and,
and
I'd
been
in
a,
in
a,
in
a,
one
of
those
places
in,
in
15
years
and
which
is
just
fine.
I
didn't
have
any
business
being
in
there
in
the
1st
place.
The,
the
but
man,
I'm
just
kind
of
blown
away.
The,
the
process
works
if
you
just
simply
submitted
the
process.
When
ready,
we
say
something
like
this
and
they
give
us
this
great
seven
step
prayer.
They
end
it
with
with
an
Amen.
We've
completed
step
seven
and
then
look
what
they
say
in
the
middle
of
that
page.
Now
we
need
more
what
action?
Once
again,
we're
implored.
There's
there's
a
momentum
if
you
go
back
sometime
when
you
don't
have
anything
to
do,
just
go
back
and
read
from
the
beginning
and
start
moving
through
the
and
what
you'll
see
is
is
that
every
time
you
get
finished
with
a
step,
there's
something
that
controls
you
momentum
wise
to
keep
going
to
keep
it.
So
there,
there.
There
was
never
intended
for
us
to
just
sit.
OK,
I'm
done
with
that.
I'll
rest
a
month
or
two.
I
didn't
say
that.
Now
we
need
more
action
without
which
we
find
that
faith
without
works
is
dead.
Let's
look
at
step
8-9.
Look,
when
we
were
doing
your
inventory
and
I'm
listening
to
your
5th
step,
I
got
a
piece
of
paper
laid
out
on
on,
on
a
table
in
front
of
me.
And
as
you're
going
through
this
thing,
I'm
making
a
list
of
the
harms
you've
done,
other
people,
the
things
that
I'm
seeing.
I'm
going
to
ask
you
about
these
things
you
see.
And
no
matter
how
convoluted
it
gets,
I
can
always
see
it
a
little
clearer
from
my
perspective
about
where
all
this
stuff
lays.
And
So
what
I'm
going
to
do
is
I'm
going
to
help
you
form
your
eight
step
list
as
we're
doing
this
thing.
If
I
think
that
you've
harmed
somebody
or
if
it
appears
that
maybe
you
owe
somebody
an
amends,
I'm
going
to
make
a
little
note
about
it
and
we
can
talk
about
it
later.
Step
eight
said
that
we
that
we,
we,
we,
we
made
a
list.
It
didn't.
There
wasn't
a
lot
of
thought
process
to
this
stuff.
In
meetings,
you
hear
people
talking
about
this
ad
nauseam.
I'm
working
on
my
aid
stamp.
I'm
working.
No,
you're
just
wasting
a
bunch
of
time.
It
takes
you
about
an
hour.
Did
you
hurt
that?
Listen,
here's
what
would
do
if
I
was
with
somebody
I'm
sponsoring.
If
we're
in
a
room
like
this,
I'm
going
to
say,
OK,
listen,
what
I
want
you
to
do
is
I
want
you
imagine
everybody
that
you
know,
regardless
of
whether
they
were
on
your
inventory.
I
want
you
to
think
about
the
people
that
you
know,
go
back,
look
at
address
books,
go
back,
look
at
annuals,
go
back,
do
whatever
you
want
to
do.
But
as
these
names
come
up,
I
want
you
to
picture
them
walking
through
that
door
right
there
and
walking
around
here
and
then
walking
right
back
out
that
door.
Now
listen,
if
the
man
or
woman
that
you're
thinking
about
walk
through
this
door
and
you
look
down,
he's
name
needs
to
go
on
that
list.
You
see
what
I'm
saying?
If
it
made
you
uncomfortable
to
look
at
him
when
they
walked
in,
you
need
to
at
least
investigate
the
fact
that
you
owe
them
an
amends
and
write
it
down
on
the
deal.
And
then
he'll
go
out
the
den
like
this
and
just
keep
on
doing
it
until
you
got
a
pretty
good
old
list
of
of
stuff
there.
And
then
we'll
go
back
and
we'll
revisit
the
list
and
then
we'll
see
what
that
is
bona
fide
or
not.
The
problem
here
is
guys,
is
that
sometimes
we
find
ourselves
in
situations
where
we
where
we
I
have
my
head
is
an
amazing
thing
about
talking
myself
out
of
an
amends.
Well,
he
screwed
me
more
than
I
screwed
him.
I
don't
know
him
anything.
I
mean,
that's
a
popular
one,
you
see,
but
it
didn't
talk
about
like
this.
If
I
harmed
him,
I
owe
them
an
amends.
Guys,
let's
let's
let's
look
at
this
thing
real
quick
here
as
we
slide
into
this
night
step
stuff
and
we
look
at
this.
The
text
says
now
we
go
out
to
our
fellows
and
we
repair
the
damage
done
in
the
past.
We
attempt
to
sweep
away
the
debris
which
is
accumulated
over
our
effort
to
live
on
self
will
and
run
the
show
ourselves.
He
didn't
talk
about
booze.
Again,
they're
just
talking
about
just
being
being
goofy
here.
OK,
Didn't
mention
the
booze.
If
we
haven't
the
will
to
do
this,
we
ask
until
it
comes.
Remember,
it
was
agreed
at
at
the
beginning
that
we
would
go
to
any
length
over
for
victory
over
alcohol.
If
we
haven't
the
will
to
do
this,
we
ask
until
it
comes.
Every
one
of
us,
almost
every
one
of
us
has
issues
in
our
past,
things
that
happen
to
us
that
we
just
simply
don't
want
to
address.
We
don't
want
to
go
there
with
this
thing.
The
trick
is
Mark
Houston
used
to
always
say,
how
free
do
you
want
to
be?
And
this
is
one
of
those
kind
of
situations,
guys,
where
I
think
we
all
need
to
ask
that
question,
is
it
good
enough
just
to
be
OK
or
would
you?
Is
there
more?
I,
I,
I
just,
it's
one
of
those
kind
of
things
where
I
think
that
it's,
it's
like
this,
this
thing
is
like,
it's,
it's,
it's
like,
it's
like
somebody
telling
you
about
sex
and
then
you
have
sex
and
then
you
go,
wow,
they
left
out
all
kinds
of
stuff.
You
know
what
I'm
saying?
I
mean,
there's
more,
there's
more.
And
and
this
sometimes
I
think,
is
a
place
that
we
get
ourselves
into
around
this
immense
process
because
nobody's
coming
after
me
with
dogs
and
pitchforks
and
torches
before,
because
the
blowtorch
is
backed
off
a
little
bit
and
I'm
kind
of
comfortable
in
my
skin
again.
I
don't
want
to
go
stir
anything
up.
I
don't
want
to
look
at
anything
where
I
might
owe
somebody
an
amends.
And
yet
there's
amazing
freedom
in
this
ability
to
simply
go
to
it.
Does
it
take
courage?
Yes,
it
takes
courage.
I
think
the
mistake
that
you
and
I
make
in
this
thing
is
that
we
think
this
is
about
us
and
this
has
got
very
little
to
do
with
us.
This
has
got
to
do
with
God's
ability
to
affect
change
in
our
life.
And
all
that
we
had
to
do
was,
is
just
exert
enough
courage
to
go
take
the
action.
The,
the
healing
is
about
God.
The
healing
is
about
what
he's
going
to
do.
And
so
when
we
look
at
this
thing
a
little
bit,
this
is
not
another
lame
old
way
for
you
to
manipulate
somebody.
This
is
a
way
for
us
just
to
say,
I
made
mistakes.
I
did
things
that
I
wished
I
hadn't.
Do
I
you
an
amends
for
what
I
did,
for
how
I
treated
you?
I
mean,
how
hard
is
that
to
say?
Well,
sometimes
it
could
be
pretty
hard,
but
a
lot
of
times
it's
not.
A
lot
of
times
we
just
get
lazy.
And
the
thing
that
bothers
me
the
most
guys,
is
that
within
our
fellowship
worldwide,
what
happens
is
a
lot
of
times
is
it
sponsors
stay
really
dogmatically,
really
focused
on
guys
up
through
step
four.
And
then
they
hear
their
fifth
step
and
then
they
just
let
them
go.
They
just
freewheel
out
there
like
this.
And
these
guys
run
out
there
a
couple
of
days
and
they
realize
that
nobody's
going
to
hold
them
accountable.
Nobody's
going
to
say
anything
to
them
like
this.
And
those
amends
just
go
by
the
by
the
wayside.
And
so
the
experience
of
of,
of,
of
reconciliation
that
is
so
powerful,
it's
just
right
there.
But
we
just
don't
have
the
courage
to
go
do
that
from
a
sponsorship
standpoint.
Guys,
what
I'm
imploring
you
to
do
is,
is
grab
these
little
guys
and
gals
that
you're
sponsoring
and
hold
them
a
little
closer
through
this
process
and
be
asking
them
once
they
get
some
amends
made,
once
they
start
the
process,
stay
with
them.
What's
next?
What's
let's
talk
about
this
tonight.
What's
next?
You
see,
don't
let
them
stop
because
once
they
stop
trying
to
get
it
prompt
again,
primed
again,
it
could
be
hard,
it
could
be
never.
And
so
if
you
can
just
kind
of
keep
them
going,
I
mean,
I
mean,
stop
and
remember
in
your
own
experience,
when
you
made
an
amends,
what's
the
first
thing
you
wanted
to
do?
Go
make
another
amends
if
if
you
could.
And
so
this
is
the
reason
why
sometimes
these,
sometimes
these
immense
lists
are
so
undaunting.
I
mean,
they're
just
like,
they
just
go
on
and
on
and
on.
And
so,
so
help
them.
Would
you
want
to
look
at
a,
at
a
men's
list
that
look
like
some
of
the
guys
you
sponsor?
No
way,
no
way.
And
So
what
I
do
is
when
they
bring
me
an
8
step
list,
I
say,
we're
going
to
review
this
thing.
This
is
like
within
a
week
after,
after
he
does
six
and
seven,
at
least
within
the
next
three
or
four
days,
I'm
going
to
look
at
the
list
and
he's
going
to
bring
me
this
list
of
names.
And
I
say,
OK,
help
me
organize
this.
I
want
you
to
tell
me
who
you
owe
money
to
and
let's
put
them
over
here.
And
then
we'll,
we'll,
we're
going
to
move
the
list
around.
I
want
to
isolate
who
you
owe
money
to
because
you're
flat
broken.
You're
living
in
a
halfway
house.
You
don't
have
any
money.
So
I'm
going
to
move.
You
obviously
can't
make
these
amends
yet.
Let's
move
this
over
here
and
then
let's
take
these
over
here.
And
I
want
you
to
pick,
let's
pick
out
three
that
you
can
do
right
now
and
they'll
pick
out
three.
And
that's
OK.
Now
these
are
what
you
need
to
do
this
week.
These
are
what
you're
going
to
start
with.
And
then
let's
just
see
where
we
are.
God
drives
this.
This
is
not
this
is
not,
I'm
not
missing
that
fact.
But
we
need
to
stay
proactive
and
engaged
as
we
go
on
through
this
stuff.
You
know,
you
see
all
that,
right?
I
mean,
this
is
pretty,
pretty
easy
to
do.
And
then,
and
then
as
he
begins
to
go
through
this
thing
and,
and
see
you
folks
that
have
sponsored
guys
and
gals
doing
this
thing,
you
do,
you
understand
how
you've
seen
the
experience
of,
of,
of
what
some
reconciliation
can
do.
When
people
get
clear
of
in
your
own
experience
too,
you
get
clear
of
some
of
this
stuff
that
you've
carried
for
years
and
years
and
years
and
you
get
it
set
right.
And
it's
an
amazing
deal
to
watch
these
guys
walk
back
into
the
room
standing
3
inches
taller.
I
mean,
it's
just
the
craziest
thing.
And
it
had
nothing
more
to
do
than
just
a,
a
willingness
to
submit
to
a
process
and,
and
get
on
through
the
deal.
We'll,
we'll,
we'll
talk
about
that
thing
at
the
top
of
page
77
is
probably
the
most
important
part
of
the
stuff
that
we're
talking
about
around
this
immense
stuff.
Because
I'm
thinking,
OK,
listen,
I
want
to
get
these
guys
off
my
back.
That's
the
reason
I'm
doing
the
amends.
And
they're
getting
ready
to
dash
that
against
the
rocks
at
the
moment.
We're
trying
to
put
our
lives
in
order.
Yes,
we
get
that,
OK,
We
all
understand
that.
But
this
is
not
an
end
in
itself.
A
real
purpose
is
to
fit
ourselves,
to
be
a
maximum
service
to
God
and
the
people
about
us.
Sweet.
This
is
the.
This
is
the
there
are
two
reasons
to
do
amends,
2
concrete
reasons.
There
may
be
others,
but
two
that
we're
going
to
talk
about.
One,
this
idea
of
aligning
ourselves
with
God's
will.
God
doesn't
want
us
frustrated
and
at
odds
with
our
brothers
and
sisters.
So
we're
going
to
figure
out
a
way
to
do
this
kind
of
stuff.
This
is
how
we
get
up
close
to
God.
We
do
what
he
asked
us
to
do.
The
second
thing
is,
is
that
is
that
in
order
to
do
a
men's
in
the
process
of
doing
amends,
I
can
quit
being
a
phony,
OK?
I
mean,
listen,
how
do
you,
how
can
you
sponsor
effectively
and
tell
the
guys,
the
protegees
that
you're
working
with
to
what
this
process
is
about
if
you're
still
sitting
on
10
amends
that
you
haven't
made?
This
is
why
it
sometimes
got,
especially
guys
our
age,
my
age
that
are
older
in
this
deal,
really,
really
need
to
be
careful
with
this
stuff.
We
need
to
go
back
and,
and
revisit
this
thing.
And
sometimes
I
think
we
just
need
to
find
a
place,
get
quiet,
get
on
our
knees
and
say,
God,
can
you
show
me
again
who
I
need
to
make
an
amends
to
and
then
sit
down
with
a
piece
of
paper
and
a
pencil
and
rewrite
another
inventory.
I
mean,
rewrite
another,
another
eight
step
list
so
that
we
can
get
current
again,
so
we
know
who
we
got
to
go
see.
I
think,
I
think
it's
an
amazingly
important.
I
think
that
sometimes
we'll,
we'll
find
things
that
we
needed
to
do
that
we
hadn't
done
in
the
1st
place,
that
we,
that
we
should
have
done.
The
book
itself,
I'm
not
going
to
get
into
it,
but
the
book
itself
breaks
this
thing
down
paragraph
by
paragraph
and
it
tells
us
what
to
do
in
specific
situations
around
money,
around
divorce,
around
jail,
around
the
rest
of
this
kind
of
stuff.
And
and
and
the
deal
has
always
been
how
free
do
you
want
to
be?
If
you
if
you
want
to
be
free,
you're
going
to
be
a
lot
more
diligent
at
the
immense
process.
If
you
don't
really
care
you
you'll
you'll
soft
sell
it
You
you'll
kind
of
skirt
around
the
outside
of
like
this.
I'll
tell
you
a
quick
story
and
then
I'll
be
done
here.
The
there
was
this
guy
that
I
that
I
sponsored
in
at
home
rebound
where,
where
JK
hailed
from
and
the
it's
an
indigent
place.
It's
it's
just,
it's
just
it's
just
not
much.
Not
no
fancy
spancy
stuff,
no
saunas,
no
spa.
No,
it's
just
guys
come
in
right
off
the
street.
They
have
nothing.
They
get
sober
and,
and
it's,
it's
cool.
And
so
I'm
sponsoring
this
guy
there.
And,
and
Jim
is
an
interesting
guy.
I've,
I've
asked
him
if
I
could
tell
the
story
and
he
said
yes.
And
the,
the,
the,
here's
the
picture
of
this
situation.
Jim
had
just
got
out
of
jail,
out
of
the
penitentiary,
and
he's
got
Aryan
Brotherhood
tattoos
on
both
arms.
He
hates
everybody.
It
doesn't
matter
if
you're
remotely,
if
you're
wearing
a
different
color
shirt,
Jim
hates
you.
I
mean,
he
doesn't
matter
what
the
deal
is.
He
just,
he
just
hates
you.
Long
greasy
hair,
real
bad
acne,
bad
breath.
Just
horrible
guy
and
just
this,
and
naturally
he
asked
me
to
sponsor
him.
OK,
I
get,
I
get
these
guys.
I
mean,
they
just,
they
just,
God
loves
to
bring
those
guys
into
my
life.
And
so
we're,
we're,
we're
working
through
this
stuff
and,
and
he,
he,
he
embraces
the
steps,
he
gets
through
this
stuff.
2-3
weeks
after
the
deal,
he's
through
his
stuff
and
he's
ready
to
go
do
his
amends.
And
then
he's
just
like
kind
of
an
amazing
sort
of
transformation.
He's
coming
to
all
our
meetings,
He's
doing
all
the
stuff
he's
supposed
to
be
doing.
And,
and,
and
he's
just,
he's
just,
you
can
tell
that
the,
that
the
work
is
enough,
that
it's
that
it's
changing.
We
get
down
to
this
immense
stuff.
And
I'd
listen
to
his
fistf
and
I
knew
he
had
this
resentment
against
his
dad
and
his
dad
was,
was
just
the
marquee
decide.
And
I
mean,
he's
just
just
horrible
kind
of
guy
and,
and,
and
lives
way
out
in
in
West
TX.
And,
and,
and
I
knew
that
this
was
going
to
be
a
struggle.
I
knew
that
it
at
some
point
in
time
we
were
going
to
have
to
deal
with
this
amends
process
with
this,
with
this
dude.
And
there
was
a,
there
was
a
long
litany
of
problems
of
grievances
with
his
dad.
But
one,
one
of
them,
I'm
just
going
to
mention
one
of
them
on
a
regular
basis,
my
guy,
we
used
to
hack
this
guy
off
just
to
piss
his
dad
off.
And
his
dad
would
beat
him
with
one
of
those
great
big
old
western
belt
buckles
that
was
about
like
this
on
the
end
of
a
belt.
He
used
to
beat
him
with
this
thing
until
he
was
bloody,
and
then
he'd
hold
him
in
a
bath
of
salt
water
until
the
kid
passed
out.
Now
I
know,
I
mean,
I
just
can't
fathom
that
kind
of
anger
and
I
can't
fathom
that
kind
of
of
of
cruelty
to
a
kid.
But
he
lived
through
it
and
I
thought
he
was
making
it
up.
And
I
said,
brother,
I
said,
are
you
serious?
And
he
said,
hell
yeah,
I'm
serious.
And
he
took
his
shirt
off
like
this.
And
he's
standing
there
in
front
of
me.
And
I'm
telling
you
right
now,
he
looked
like
a
man
made
out
of
hamburger
meat
that
they
had
just
put
together.
His
body
was
toward
a
shreds
by
that
dad
gum
buckle.
And
I
thought,
man,
man,
man,
man
can't
do
this.
And
so
now
I'm
freaked
to
the
Max.
I'm
freaked
times
10
because
I
don't
know
what
to
do.
I
don't,
I
mean,
how
do
you
get
past
this
kind
of
abuse
and
this
kind
of
stuff?
And
so
we
set
out
to
deal
with
it.
And
he's
got
one
day
free
and
he
said,
I'm
going
to
go
down
there
and
make
this
amends.
I
said,
OK,
buddy,
listen,
you
do
me
a
favor.
You
call
me
on
the
way
down
there.
You
call
me,
you
got
a
brand
new
cell
phone.
You
let
me
know
what's
going
on
and
let
me
know
what's
happening.
And
I'm
going
to
talk
you
way
down
there.
And
if
you
get
down
there
and
this
thing
starts
going
South,
if
you
start
making,
you
know,
trying
to
justify
your
behavior
or
any
of
this
other,
you
stop
and
come
on
home.
There's
no
sense
walking
into
a
buzz
saw.
And
he
said,
I'm
cool.
So
the
little
crap,
he,
he
leaves
and
he
doesn't
call
me.
And
I,
I
know
how
long
it
takes
to
get
from
where
I
live
to
where
his
dad
is.
And
so
I
know
how
long
it
is.
And
I'm
just,
I
mean,
I'm
like
pacing
the
floor.
I'm
just
like,
why
didn't
he
call
him?
Why
didn't
he
just
like
one
of
your
own
kids
out
there
like
that?
Well,
he
about
about
an
hour
after
he's
supposed
to
be
down
there,
he
calls
me.
And
he
said,
well,
I'm
finished
with
my
dad.
And
I
said,
oh,
slick,
that's
not
the,
that's
not
the
job.
That's
not
the
deal
we
made,
man.
You
were
going
to
do
this
different,
right?
And
he
said,
well,
I
know,
But
I
got
down
there
and
I
decided
I
was
going
to,
well,
I'll
tell
you
about
it
later.
And
I
said,
no,
you
tell
me
about
it
now.
I
want
to
know
how
it
went.
And
he
said,
well,
he
said,
I
pulled
up
in
front
of
this
in
front
of
our
old
home
place.
And
I
walked
up
to
the
door
and
this
old
guy
answered
the
door.
And
I
said,
what
do
you
mean
this
old
guy?
And
he
said,
well,
my
dad,
but
he's
gotten
old.
And
I
said,
OK,
we
do
that.
And
he
said,
yeah,
I
know.
But
he,
he
wasn't
as
threatening
as
he
used
to
be.
And
I
went
OK.
And
he
said,
and
I,
I
just,
I
just,
you
know,
we
sat
there
and
we
talked
for
a
little
bit
and,
and
I
told
him
the
things
that
we
had
talked
about.
I
told
him
that
I
was
sorry
that
I
had
disappointed
him,
that,
that
there
were
things
that
I
decisions
that
I
made
that
I
knew
were
a
disappointment
and
that
I,
I
just,
I
wish
they
hadn't
happened.
And
I
said,
you
know,
as
my
dad,
you
deserve
better.
And
he
said,
my
dad
just
sat
there
and
all
of
a
sudden
he
started
crying
and
he
just
wept
and
he
wept
and
he
wept
and
he
he
said,
Myers,
I
got
tired
of
hearing
him
cry.
He
just
kept
crying.
And
I
said,
Jim,
come
on,
man,
really?
And
he
goes,
man,
I
just
like.
And
then
there's
this
silence
on
the
phone
and
I'm
going,
are
you
OK?
And
he
goes,
yeah,
I'm
all
right,
but
I'm
not
telling
you
the
whole
truth.
And
I
said,
why
don't
we?
Why
don't
we
try
that
just
as
a
novelty,
OK.
And
he
said,
what
I
didn't
tell
you
was
that
I
was
lying
to
you.
When
I
told
you
I
was
going
to
go
make
my
amends.
What
I
was
doing
was
I
was
going
to
go
kill
him.
And
I.
Pistol
stuck
in
my
back
when
I
walked
up
to
the
house
because
I
was
going
to
shoot
him
for
what
he
did
and
I
and
I
just
went
Jim,
Jim
what
what
changed?
And
he
said
I
just
couldn't
do
it.
He
said,
to
be
honest
with
you,
I
don't
know
what
my
dad
looks
like,
but
when
I
saw
what
God
had
as
an
image
of
what
my
dad
was,
there's
no
way
there's
no
way
I
could
shoot
him.
There's
no
way
I
could
even
say
something
unkind
to
him.
What
I
saw
in
front
of
me
was
a
man
who
had
been
struggling
with
his
own
demons
for
his
entire
life
and
he
simply
didn't
know
what
else
to
do.
He
handled
it
all
wrong,
but
he
handled
it
the
best
he
could.
And
I
just
went,
holy
cow,
man.
And
I
said,
are
you
OK?
And
he
said
yeah.
And
he
said
I
don't
think
he's
going
to
be
on
my
Christmas
card
list
every
year.
I
don't
know
that
we're
going
to
be
buddies
forever,
but
But
I'm
OK
with
what
happened.
And
I
said,
no,
all
right,
that
would
have
been
enough
for
the
story,
except
that
we
we
Friday,
the
week,
the
following
week
was
a
Friday.
And
they
coined
out
of
that
treatment
center
that
little
treatment
place.
And
so
that's
his
night
to
coin
out.
And
so
we're
standing
there
and
always
just
freaks
me
out
telling
the
story.
We're,
we're
standing
there
at,
at
this
coin
out.
And,
and
we
got,
there's
like
60
or
70
clients
in
this
thing
like
this.
And
they're
all
cramped
down
in
this,
in
this
cafeteria.
And
we're
standing
real
close
like
this.
And
I
look
across
the
room
over
here
and
Jim
is
standing
there
with
two
black
guys,
one
guy
over
here
and
one
guy
over
here
holding
his
hand
and
they're
saying
the
Lord's
Prayer.
And
we
say
the
Lord's
Prayer
and
I
can't
even
talk.
I'm
just
looking
across
the
room
at
this
Aryan
Brotherhood
guy
who
hates
everybody
in
the
world,
especially
black
guys,
and
he's
holding
these
guys
hands.
And
when
when
he
gets
done,
he
they
drop
hands
and
and
I'm
looking
at
the
thing.
I
didn't
even
pray.
I'm
just
sitting
there.
I
can't
take
my
eyes
off
this
guy
holding
these
hands
of
these
these
black
guys.
And,
and,
and
at
the
end
of
the
deal,
one
black
guy
scooped
him
up
and
gave
him
a
big
ol
hug,
told
him
he
loved
him.
And
the
other
guy
scooped
him
up,
told
him
he
loved
him.
He's
little
bitty
guy
like
this
little
and
me
and,
and,
and
and
they
just
sat
there
and
hugged
each
other.
And
I'm
just
thinking,
guys
see,
we
come
in
here,
guys,
see,
this
is
the
thing
that
kills
me.
We
come
in
here
as
haters.
Come
in
here.
Just
it's
not
about
the
booze
anymore.
It's
not
about
that
stuff.
It's
about
it's
about
being
different.
It's
about
being
transformed
into
something
that
we
could
be
and
it
you
can't
make
sense
out
of
it.
You
can't
think
your
way
into
this
stuff.
The
only
way
you
can
do
it
is
to
take
the
necessary
action.
Most
of
us
get
here
hating
and
conniving
and
doing
all
kinds
of
crazy
lame
O
stuff
like
this.
And
here's
this
guy
who
was
so
transformed
that
he
got
over
years
and
years
and
years
of
bigotry
and
hate,
he
realized
that
he
was
out
of
the
judgment
game
forever,
that
the
judgment
was
in
God's
hands,
that
all
of
that
stuff
was
God's
business
to
deal
with.
And
I
can
think
of
no,
no
finer
place
on
God's
green
earth
than
right
there.
I
don't
have
to
judge
you.
I
don't
have
to
be
involved
anymore
in
that
game
because
it
always
ends
bad.
It
always
does.
I
love
you
guys.
You
want
to
come
talk
for
three
minutes?
No,
10
minutes
if
you
want
to
share
something
real
quick
and
then
we'll
take
a
fast
break.
OK,
wow,
so
you
want
to
hear
some
of
my
lame
O
amends?
I,
I
mean,
he
did
a
great
job
of,
of
describing
that.
And
I
remember
that,
you
know,
our
real
purpose
is
to
fit
ourselves
to
be
of
maximum
service
to
God
and
the
people
about
us.
You
ask
people
and
say,
well,
my
job
is
to
be
of
maximum
service.
I
don't
know
how
to
be
of
maximum.
My
job
is
to
fit
myself.
How
do
I
do
that?
By
taking
these
steps,
by
walking
this
process.
You
know,
the
more
I
had
my
list,
Cliff
had
me
divide
up
my
list
as
well.
You
know,
it
ain't
in
the
big
book.
Take
it
for
what
it's
worth,
but
I
had
the
ones
I'm
ready
to
do
right
now.
And
then
I
had
the
ones
that
there
was
yeah,
but
right,
there
was
a
extenuating
circumstance
somehow,
right.
And
then
there
was
a
third
column
I
had
over
there,
there's
no
way
in
hell
column.
And
we
went
over
this.
And
This
is
why,
you
know,
my
sponsor
at
this
point
is
an
insider
in
my
life.
He
knows
me
better
than
anybody
else.
So
he
sits
down
with
me
and
he
guides
me
through
this
process.
I'm
not
taking
my
I
could
take
my
immense
to
all
my
little
buddies
out
there
and
say,
well,
what
do
you
think
I
should
do
about?
No,
I
go
to
my
sponsor
and
he
gives
me
clear
cut
directions.
They
give
us
a
little
template
in
the
book
and
we
he
turns
me
loose
and
I
start
these
things
down
because
see,
in
my
pea
brain,
because
I
had
a
long
list
of
amends
and
I
had
a
whole
bunch
of
financial
amends
and
I
had
some
amends
where
I
thought
the
people
could
kill
me
and
get
away
with
it
back
in
the
day.
I
don't
really
necessarily
want
to
seek
these
people
out,
but
I
harm
them.
The
actions
I
take
show
God
how
willing
I
am.
The
more
actions
I
take,
the
more
faith
that
I
get.
Me
looking
me
with
my
little
finite
brain,
looking
at
all
my
amends.
It's
a
very,
very
daunting
task
and
I
look
at
all
the
outcomes
and
they
all
suck,
but
it
ain't
my
job
to
fix
the
outcome.
My
job
is
to
trust
God
and
take
the
action.
And
when
I
started,
Cliff
gave
me
those
first
little
three,
Hey,
these
these
cats
are
in
your
day-to-day
world.
Let's
let's
do
these
guys.
I'm
like,
yes,
Sir.
And
we
talked
about
it,
we
prayed
about
it
and
I
went
and
did
it.
And
once
I
started
doing
it,
the
next
one
started
rolling
in
and
we
started
going
and
all
of
a
sudden
someone's
cropped
up
that
I
don't
know
how
they
were
going
to
work,
but
they
were
there
staring
me
in
the
face.
And
so
we
talked
about
that,
we
prayed
about
that
and
I
went
and
did
it.
And
even
on
the
way
to
do
it,
I
thought
there's
no
way
this
is
this
is
going
to
be
ugly.
And
I
remember
always
saying
another
little
prayer
and
putting
myself
in
front
of
this
person
and
going
through
the
immense
process
and
guess
what?
God
does
his
perfect
job.
Tom
Ivester
says
it
best.
I
mentioned
to
somebody
out
there
in
the
parking
lot.
He
says
it
the
best.
And
I
told
him
I
was
going
to
steal
this
every
time
when
faith
in
preparation
collide,
the
results
are
what
God
does.
And
the
more
actions
I
take,
the
more
faith
that
I
get,
the
more
amends
that
I
got
done,
the
more
faith
that
I
got
so
that
when
these
big,
daunting,
ugly
ones,
even
if
it's
in
my
head,
when
they
those
are
rose,
I
have
the
tools
necessary
to
trust
God
and
go
do
that.
And
God
does
the
healing.
Was
it
my
words?
Wasn't
that
I
was
slick.
I
was
like
Meyer
said.
I
wasn't
trying
to
manipulate,
but
God
put
me
in
the
position
to
take
care
of
it.
And
God
help
heal
those
relationships.
You
know,
they're
not
ducking
me.
I'm
not
ducking
them
and
I
can't
stress
enough
because
I
mean,
if
they
tell
you
on
6076
and
then
they
tell
you
again
on
79,
this
is
where
we're
going
to
slow
down.
It's
it's
typical,
but
I
have
a
sponsor
who,
thank
God,
holds
me
accountable.
I
try
to
hold
my
guys
accountable.
We
get
the
list,
we
start
going
and
we
start
doing
this
stuff
so
that
they
don't
flounder,
you
know,
because
it,
it
sucks
to
get
this
far
and
then
all
of
a
sudden
you
get
stale
because
I'm
not
doing
what
I'm
supposed
to
do.
I
mean,
I,
I
can't
say
that
I've
done
100%
of
my
amends,
but
I've
knocked
out
on
my
original
amends
list.
I
have
knocked
out
everything
that
is
on
that
original
list
with
the
exception
of
one
and
it
was
one
of
the
girls
that
I
was
told
that
I
can't
seek
out.
He
said
when
God
wants
you
to
make
amends
to
this
gal,
she
will
appear.
There
was
another
one
on
that
list.
God
saw
to
it
that
I
get
in
contact
with
her.
She
got
in
contact
with
me
and
that
was
one
of
those
mind
blowing
amends
because
this
is
one
of
the
gals
that
could
have
got
away
with
it
back
in
the
day.
You
know,
I
harmed
her
mercifully
with
my
words
and
my
actions.
And
I
had
made
amends
of
some
other
people
I
used
to
work
with.
And
they
were
blown
away,
shocked
that
I
was
alive.
And
we,
we
did
the
amends
and
I
gave
them
my
contact
info
and
I
told
them
if
there's
anything
I
can
do
for
you
guys,
just
please
let
me
know.
And
we
went
our
merry
way
and,
and
it
was
done
right.
Lo
and
behold,
unbeknownst
to
me,
several
months
later,
they
were
out
to
dinner,
husband
and
wife,
and
they
ran
into
this
old
girlfriend
of
mine
and
they
were
catching
up.
And
they're
like,
you're
not
going
to
believe
who
we
ran
into.
And
they
told
him
a
brief
story
and
said
here's
his
number.
And
I
get
a
call
out
of
the
blue
from
this
chick
and
I'm
like,
let
me
step
outside.
And
I
went
outside
and
she
kind
of
told
me
some
stuff.
And
I'm
like,
like,
I
don't
know
where
you're.
I
don't
know
where
you
know.
I
know
she'd
done
some
spiritual
retreats.
And
I
was
like,
if
you
got
to
pray
about
it,
do
whatever
you
do.
I
need
like
15
minutes
of
your
time
face
to
face.
I'll
do
it
in
a
public
setting,
whatever,
whatever
you
want
to
do,
but
I
need
to
speak
to
you
if
it
if
you
would
be
so
kind
to
see
me
some
point.
And
she
says,
well,
I
think
about
that.
And
she
said,
by
the
way,
you
sound
good.
I'm
like,
OK,
I
hung
up
the
phone
and
a
few
days
later
I
get
a
voicemail
from
her
saying
Mimi
at
Starbucks
in
Lakewood
at
6:00
on
Saturday.
And
I
had
gone
over
to
Cliff's
house
on
that
Saturday
and
I'm
like,
buddy,
this
is
a
biggie.
Damn.
So
we
went
over
it
together,
we
prayed
about
it.
I
don't
know
why
I'm
crying,
but
we
we
pray
about
it
and
I
get
to
Starbucks
and
I
get
there
early
and,
and
I
see
her
drive
up
and
we
I
make
this
amends.
And
it
was
really,
it
was
a
cool
experience.
And
we
didn't
spend
a
whole
lot
of
time
after
that
catching
up
or
anything.
But
you
know,
we
chit
chatted
for
a
few
minutes.
But
you
know,
Cliff
had
told
me,
get
in,
get
out,
right?
We're
not
here
to
catch
up
on
Tanya.
We
used
to
live
together.
We're
not
here
to
catch
up
on
all
that.
Get
in,
get
out,
man.
Stick
and
move,
baby.
And
so
as
I'm
walking
her
back
to
the
car,
as
I'm
walking
her
back
to
the
car,
man,
that's
like
this,
like
he's
saying,
stepping
out
of
the
car
into
the
parking
lot
and
he
feels,
God,
I'm
walking
her
back
to
the
car
and
I've
got
this
little
voice
in
my
head
like,
dude,
this
was
your
girl.
Do
this
again.
And
I
stopped
her
at
the
car
and
I
said,
look,
I
used
some
stuff
in
our
deal
to
harm
you
mercifully,
mercilessly
or
however
you
say
that
word.
And
I
put
you
in
horrible
positions
and
I
don't
even
know
how
it
came
out.
And
I
said,
you're
one
of
God's
princesses,
and
I
had
no
right
to
do
that.
And
like
I
said,
I
don't
know
how
it
all
came
out.
And
she
stopped
me
when
I
was
done.
And
she
just
kind
of
like
dumped
my
chest.
And
she's
like,
dude,
you
rock.
And
I
gave
her
a
hug
and
it
was
good.
Never
dated
her,
never
called
her.
We
e-mail
occasionally.
I
mean,
it's
been
years,
but
God
fixed
that.
I'm
not
ducking
her
or
her
family.
She's
not
ducking
me.
Her
and
her
family
know
that
they
have
a
friend
in
a,
a
now,
you
know,
throughout
the
years,
but
she's
still
in
the
restaurant
business.
Throughout
the
years,
there's
been
a
couple
times
where
she's
emailed
me,
said,
hey,
here's
a
buddy
of
mine.
I'm
going
to
have
him
give
you
a
call.
You
know,
I've
got
in
touch.
Talk
to
their
family
and,
and
clear
up
all
that
wreckage.
That's
what
God
does.
That's
not
what
JK
does.
Left
to
my
own
devices,
I'm
like,
well
screw
them
and
move
on.
But
no,
I
needed
to
take
care
of
that.
And
God
fixed
that,
right?
And
that
was.
And
so
I've
got
one
more
out
there
that's
like
that.
Don't
know
how
that's
going
to
go.
I'm
ready
to
go.
But
see,
this
is
the
stuff
we
put
God
to
the
test.
You
know,
my
buddy
Kurt
says
test
God.
I
don't
know
how
it's
all
going
to
work
out.
They
may
throw
me
out
of
the
office,
but
my
job
is
to
rely
upon
God
and
walk
through
this
program
and
walk
through
this
process.
The
results
are
what
God
does,
and
that's
all
I
got
on
that.
Anybody.
We're
going
to
have
a
break.