Step 5 at a sponsorship and 12 Step workshop in Dallas, TX

All right. So we just rolled out an inventory. We're going to talk a little bit more about this fist step and then Michael is going to talk about 6:00 and 7:00.

So if you follow along in the book, we're on page 72

if you want to play

All right, so on 72 it says having made our personal inventory, what should we do about it? We've been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator and to discover the obstacles in our path. We've admitted certain defects ascertained in a rough way with the trouble is put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part which when completed will mean we have admitted to God, to ourselves, into another human being, the exact nature of our defects. So it's let me know up front what

goal, what is it that we're trying to do? I'm trying to get a new attitude, new relationship with my creator and to see what has been standing in my way this entire time. We've already agreed that itself manifested in various ways and we've been able to see that. So when I sit down with me, God and a sponsor who's able to see the truth, something else happens. And I've got that. I've got that three legged stool set up in such a way that if I, if I eliminate any of that, it's absolutely going to fall. And there's a reason for that. It says we think we've done

enough in admitting these things to ourselves. There's doubt about that. And don't you think that way sometimes? Well, I see it, so that's good.

Now, in actual practice, we usually find a solitary self appraisal insufficient. Why? Couple couple different reasons. One, there's zero humility in me admitting to me what I think I see. 0, humility in that too. It will never get me to the truth. It will never get me to the specifics because I think I see all there is to see and I'm wrong until I sit down with somebody else who's able to point those things out. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. Then they're going to give us a couple reasons and why that is

the best reason. First, if we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. It's pretty good reason, pretty good. If I haven't gotten it all down, honestly, on paper, and sit down with another human being so that I can see the facts, it's possible that I'm going to pick up a drink again.

It's a pretty good reason. And even if I don't and I'm able to maintain for some period of time, I stay in the delusion that I've lived in my entire life in that bondage itself gets tighter and tighter and tighter, right? It says time after time, newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives.

Anybody else do that?

Anybody else in here a hider? I'll let you see what I'm willing to present, but I'm going to keep everything else in my back pocket and not let you see. And they're going to go on to talk about that double life and what that looks like. And sometimes we do that.

I want to hide who I really am because why? I've been doing it my entire life. Even though it doesn't work, I want to continue to do that. And what this step is asking me to do is set aside my ego and put it all out there on the table for somebody else to see.

Says trying to avoid these humbling, this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. That's the truth. It says they took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they'd lost their egoism and fear. They only thought they'd humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty. Here's the key. In the sense we find it necessary. Until they told someone else all their life story,

right? Other people can get away with ducking and dodging details and presenting a stage character or half truth

or omitting certain facts. But it says in the sense that we find it necessary, meaning the recovered Alcoholics who wrote this book, you don't get well when you do the half measure stuff, but it's always the tendency and you see that a lot of times. Why? Because half measures works in a lot of different areas. True. Anybody else show up for school sort of prepared, sort of not and still pass the class? Show up for work?

Do half ass of a job and still get it project signed off on? There's lots of areas that you can do half measures in. Step work is not one of them.

It's just not, says the result was nil until I let go. Absolutely. Meaning I put forth all the effort and did all the work on the front end. More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. Now that what inventory is going to show me is who I've really been. Not the stage character. It says he's very much the actor to the outer world. He presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it. That is a very

isolative place to be, is it not? That I'm all inside myself, knowing the truth, and I'm presenting any face that you need to see to the rest of the world with you people. I'm one way with you people. I'm another with you. I've got a different mask and I know exactly how to play every single one of them. Isn't that why we get here so tired? I think it's because I've been drinking too long. The truth is I've been running game too long and it takes a lot of energy to pull all those strings and keep all the story straight and keep all the people from

speaking to one another and putting clues together. There's a lot of energy presenting those different stage characters. At the bottom it says he's under constant fear intention that makes for more drinking. And guys, let me be clear with you. It's possible to do this in sobriety. This is not just about I'm loaded presenting a stage character and then I sober up and I'm afraid you're going to find out what I've said and done. You can do this sober, present the stage character. How many times do you see people walk in the doors and you say, hey, haven't seen you in a while. How?

Fine, Really. Hadn't heard from you in two months. This is your Home group. Nobody's seen you, your sponsor doesn't know where you are. And you're fine, really. But rather than set aside the ego and go, hey, been in a bad spot, not been well, not fallen. No, we'll say fine, all is well. You will stay sick doing that unless you admit what's really going on. Who you really been

at the second at the bottom of page 73. The second reason, it says we must be entirely honest

with somebody if we expect to live longer happily in this world. It didn't say I'm going to come in and dump a fifth step in the middle of a meeting,

but I've got to get honest with somebody. Somebody has to know all the facts about who I really AM, and that's going to be my sponsor. Why? Because that's the person that understands what I'm driving at. That's the person that understands what it is that that we're trying to accomplish in this fist step. Now, could I find somebody on the street and tell him everything and share inventory with? Sure, I could do that. But it's not going to get me to the truth. It won't get me to the specifics. And if I can't get there, it doesn't matter.

Like we said earlier, fact finding, fact facing. You've got to have somebody understands what you're doing. It talks about it being an intimate and confidential step, which means that what happens between me, God, and my sponsor

is going to stay at that table, is going to stay in that room and go no further. How selfish of me to repeat something that I hear in a fifth step. Don't do that. It it loses its confidentiality, it loses its intimacy just like that, and you'll lose the confidence of that alcoholic that you're trying to help. That's not what it's about. We're not here to to to share that kind of stuff. It's hard enough to be honest on paper and then with another human being without somebody compromising that. OK,

so it talks about telling my story to someone who will understand yet be unaffected.

Unaffected meaning not tied to the situation. I'm not going to do a fist step with my mother. I'm not going to do one with my sister. They're affected by the situations and the drama and and all those things in my life and they can't be objective. I'm going to sit down with somebody who has zero ties to that, who can show me the truth from an unemotional standpoint. OK. And this is this is what I'm trying to do. It says the rule is we must be hard on ourselves, but always considerate of others. And while we're on this topic, if you've got written inventory, put it up,

put it somewhere you think they won't go looking for it. Oh, no, no, they will look right. All that. You've been doing some shady weird stuff for a long time. All the sudden you've got paperwork with lots of facts written down. You think they're not going to look for They will. They're curious. They're curious. Put it up. I love to get a call from a woman. Go. I can't believe he read it. And I'm like, oh, honey, I can't believe you left it out Crazy. Put it up, don't burn it, but put it up. OK,

all right. So at the bottom it says it's important that he be able to keep a confidence that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at. This is not about confession. They've got to understand what it is that we're trying to do. And a sponsor understands that because they've already done inventory with their sponsor, been shown the facts about their lives. So they understand what it is that we're looking for. If you want to do your footstep also with a member of of clergy or or whoever, if you feel it necessary to do that, do it, do it. That's fine. But you've got to do it again with somebody else who understands

what we're driving at. Does that make sense? There's nothing wrong with doing it, but you've got to get with somebody that'll show you the facts on this. OK, so it says we when we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. And we've already got that date set. So we've got the we've got them sitting down and, and they know exactly when we're going to do this. We waste no time. We have a written inventory and prepared for a long talk. We explained to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. You don't have to explain that to a sponsor because they already know. He should realize we're engaged on

life and death, Aaron. And the truth is, that's on both ends. The sponsor needs to be here in inventory and working with others because that's what keeps them sober. Protege needs to be given inventory because they're trying to get to the truth, which will get them sober. Makes sense. It's on both ends that that's a life and death errand. Most people approached in this way, we'll be glad to help. They'll be honored by our confidence. So they've told us when to do it, who to do it with, and now they're going to tell us how we pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twisted character, every dark cranny of the past.

That's how you're going to do it. See, I'm a sugar coater. I'm a breeze over. I'm a let me stick something in sideways between the conversation so that you don't notice what it is I've just said. That's not what this is about. It's about turning over every stone, uncovering every truth and examining this so that I can see the reality behind it. Because I cannot afford to live in delusion any longer. I can't afford it and I can't afford to keep things to myself,

and sometimes we want to do that. I'll tell you all this stuff out here. I'll lay it all bare, but I'm going to keep those one or two things that you don't need to know about

to myself. And I promise you your secrets are not worth your sobriety. They're just not. And there's really not a whole lot you can say to shock a sponsor. I mean, I've heard some things that are way out there. They are what they are. I've said some things that are way out there. They are what they are. There was no answer. I was waiting from for something. It was that I needed to get it up off of me. She needed to hear it. We've said it in the presence of God. Now we're moving on. And the truth is those that sickness, that

trying to cling to so tight to your chest, if you'll lay it bare, it'll be for somebody else. And that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Those things that I never, ever want to speak out loud and I for sure don't want to say in front of another person guarantee you they will be effective for somebody else. And until you have that experience, it doesn't sound like that would be the truth, but it absolutely is. So

I've sat down with the sponsor, we've looked at 4th column. I've seen how my fears are driving me. We kind of went through that when we looked at

four step inventory. But what I've got to see really is self will run riot. And later on the book it talks about my selfish and inconsiderate habits is what's kept my home and you can fill in every area of my life in turmoil because the delusion is it's about the bourbon. And if I can quit drinking, I can stop the drama and the chaos. And the problem is really not the bourbon,

right? See, I I think that if I can set this stuff down, then everything's going to be fine. But the problem is I'm self will run riot drunk or sober.

And that's the truth about who we are. So if I can see this, then I can understand even more the importance, more of the necessity of why I made that third step decision. Why do I need access to that power? Because I don't know how to live sober. That's the problem. So the 5th step promises is something that doesn't get talked about a whole lot. And some of my favorite stuff, it says once, once we have taken this stuff withholding nothing,

we are delighted. It didn't say that we were delighted with what we saw

because what I saw was a host of defects that were not great. I didn't look at that and go, Oh my God, I'm so excited that I'm so manipulative and so selfish and so jealous. And no, I wasn't delighted with what I saw, but I was delighted to see the truth from somebody that's been drunk for a long time, running from the facts and the truth, to see it on black and white. And it was, you couldn't negate it any longer. That's where that comes from.

And nobody died. My sponsor didn't judge me. She didn't pass out. Wasn't the drama that I made it in my mind. And the freedom begins to seep in. Says we can look the world in the eye. Anybody else spent a lot of time shuffling around looking at their boots? Can't look you in the eye because I'm afraid you'll see right through me. The ability to look at people,

connect with people and be OK, even briefly. My God, we can be alone at perfect peace and ease our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. Because you know what? Some of you come in here having had some experience with God, having had a relationship with God, having had a concept that worked, but you didn't have access to it.

So now we're shifting gears from the belief in God that you had before you got here

to the access of the power of God. These are very different things. And those of you that have had no experience with God, no relationship, no concept, now we begin to have an experience that we've never touched before. So it doesn't matter where you come in on that scale. The point is it's going to shift gears. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we're on the broad highway, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe.

Now I'm not saying that every single one of these is going to come true immediately, effective having closed the book and finished your fist step,

but they come true. Some of them may come on stronger for some of you in different parts, but the point is they all develop. They all come to fruition. Be alone at perfect peace and ease. Do you remember that smoothie that have been through the work and it's been a minute since you've had a drink? Do you remember that? Couldn't be alone at perfect peace and ease without the mind shatter. Couldn't shut it down long enough. Always having to turn the radio up, always having to have the TV, always having to have something

because you couldn't just be trying to explain this to a newcomer that this is what this is going to be like. They will never know until they do it and have the experience of being able to be at home and not have to have something going 100 miles an hour and can just sit and be still. I remember an early sobriety and people would say things like just be, you just need to be. And I thought you are high. What are you talking? How can I just be? Because I couldn't

stand to be in my own mind. Now all of a sudden I've gotten clear on some things

and is the more that gets cleared out from me, it opens up the gap for more of the power of God to flow in. But I sure didn't understand that when I did it. I came in with the papers, some inventory shaking, sitting down with a sponsor, seeing some things about myself that were not great. That was the experience. And then she showed me the truth and I went, Oh my God, now I know what I'm working with. Now I can see the facts. So it's going to show up how it shows up on you,

right? Your fist up will be what it's going to be,

but it's not something to be fretted over and to be feared. And a lot of times we're trying to scare the newcomer about doing this 4th and 5th step. If you do it like the book out lunch, just the simplicity, the facts, the truth, you can walk away free. Because if you go into this deal with the idea of I'm willing to see, I'm willing to see anything that's there, then you can accept responsibility and walk away. If you go in justifying

wanting to tell the back story.

And as a sponsor, you better figure it out quick. The more they talk, the less they're hearing, right? You want to talk about one of the resentments and they're trying to give you the details and the preface and the back story and the you don't understand. And this was the situation and it shut them down. Shut them down because if they can't see the truth, they will never get free. And do the details really matter? Not really, not really. And when when you need to slide down to that 4th column and see the truth because that's what's important. And they want to spend a lot of time in the first three,

and that's not where it's at. The freedom is in seeing the truth. Does that make sense? What do you got on the footstep? I know you got lots of fun stuff.

I'll look at it as a sponsorship because they said, you know, there were some qualifications for you sitting as a sponsor and listening to someone's first step. And it said it's a you understand and approve of what the 1st 100 are driving at and that you don't change their plan.

You have to meet that qualification right there.

Well, I keep hearing that the newcomers got to hear their truth. If they don't hear their truth, what?

Great. But someone please fill me in on what that truth is.

Well, if you Remember Me going through that third step and I kind of glazed over pages and I said the newcomers not going to see it. They're going to see it in everyone else. Well, the truth about their resentments is page 62.

Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later places in a position to be hurt the truth.

Were they the victim or were they not? Bill's resentment at his employer,

his boss, may have been unjust, over overbearing and threatening to fire him, but did he

put himself in a position to be hurt by drinking on the job and skewing?

Absolutely. That's the truth. Is Bill the victim in this, that he's just got a lousy boss? No,

he created this.

I'll give you another example. How about someone coming to you and something bad happened to them as a child, as it happened to him as a child? Were they the victim?

It's a great question,

absolutely. I grew up in an alcoholic family. I have vivid recollections of of being four years old in a medal of a war zone of emotional and physical abuse.

Did I ask for that to happen?

Sign up in that family,

did I place myself in a position to be hurt? No,

but here's where some details are important. Because as a sponsor you need to listen

because what they say can and will be used against them in this step.

Because me acting a fool at 32 years old going This is why I get to act the way I'm acting. Because my dad was horrible up until I was 12 years old.

And treated everyone in the house just horribly. And that's why I get to act a fool at 32 years old when my dad's been sober since 1930 or 1976.

Now,

am I being selfish?

Am I being dishonest?

Absolutely.

Am I using it as a weapon?

Absolutely.

See, now I'm getting to the truths about these resentments, the truths about the fears. What is the truth?

How well is yourself reliance been able to solve your problem? How many bad decisions did you make as a result of a fear?

Made some really bad decisions based on fear

as as a sponsor walking someone through a fear inventory, my job is to look at their self-reliance and look at what they do. Because you know what the truth about a fear is, not what you do. What are we praying for in a fear? Perhaps there's a better way. It's not about what you do as self-reliance,

it's about who are you going to be during this fear

because the prayer doesn't ask. God, please remove this fear and direct my attention of what I should do because my actions don't mean anything. I can be a selfish, dishonest person and be in the middle of a fear and my actions be completely above board as a result of this fear, but I'm still left with who me and I still am who I am, and I'm still going to have a catastrophe happening in front of me.

So yes, fear is going to be there, but it's all about who I am. Because if I'm being who God wants me to be, what are my actions going to do?

We're gonna follow suit.

But if I'm not who I'm supposed to be and I'm trying to act like someone I'm not,

it's a recipe for disaster. Welcome to the truths about what these fears are in these in this

relationships stuff. The questions you have to ask yourself is how long would you put up with you doing what you did to them?

Each and everyone gets better. Be shaking your head sideways

because I know you wouldn't put up with it. Anyone that was like you

in the other question you have to look at is now stepping aside and stepping outside of what you've done to this individual. That's great. Can I do it to your daughter? Can I do it to your mom? Can I do it to your sister? Can I treat them like you have now treated this individual?

Am I going to be dealing with you? Heck yes.

See, I can't be living by two different rule books when it comes to the relationship cosmic rule books. I get mine and I get to treat all of God's turtle like I want to, but all God's children better treat the people I care about in a certain way. Living by those two different rule books is going to cause complete and utter disaster. And that's my job is to point out what the truth is, See. Because if it was just confession,

me giving you my side of it, you know what? Yeah, I treated her bad. But you know what? There's a big old butt hanging off there. But if she didn't do this, I wouldn't have done that in this and that, No,

this isn't about their inventory. What is it about? It's about our inventory,

about what we're doing, because remember, it's all getting back to left round devices as we're trying to live like this.

Can you stay away from alcohol?

The fact of the matter is no.

And see if I turn this fist up in anything other than it is, and if I turn that four stepping into anything other than it is, I'm never going to get to the truth and I'm never going to understand what plan I'm trying to guide them to. And if I don't know what's in this book, how do I ever get them to the truth? And if someone hasn't walked you through a fist up that got you to these points in this book,

you probably need to go have sit down with someone who knows it before you start trying to walk someone else through it. Because there is no faking this to you making at all. And there's nothing more confusing than someone laying out a story to you and you're sitting back going, Oh no,

bless your heart

because you're going to kill an alcoholic.

And it never hurts to bring someone in if you get in over your head again. Sponsorship is critical.

Have that person say, you know what, I have no experience on this. You mind if I bring my sponsor into this? Because you know what? This is serious pretending, you know,

so dangerous. And when you start looking through the eyes of how do I carry someone through this? It's scary. You know when you carrying someone through their first fist that they anybody remember the first time you took someone through a fist step?

It's an uneasy moment walking into it. You're like, the last thing you want to do is hurt anymore people in your world

and here you've got this fragile little alcoholic that

go off and they're on the clock. My job is help them get to God and find their truth.

And if I start pretending

it's a disaster

waiting to happen. And hopefully you got all that on her microphone. Sorry.

I also and I looked up and he's waving. I mean, I am so sorry,

but you know, that's where it gets so critical in the last thing I'll say about a fifth step.

Hopefully someone took the time out of their day to take you through a fifth step

and didn't short change you.

By God, don't. I'll meet you 45 minutes before the meeting and we'll do your fifth step

because I hope no one did that to you.

But it's amazing how quick as a sponsor, all sudden my little life becomes full of all those other affairs. And also I'm trying to shoehorn someone in to hear their fist step and I'm short changing them. I'm doing it at 9:30 at night and they're supposed to go home and do an hour which odds about to cover and I'm supposed to be talking to them afterwards and I have to be up at 5:30 that next morning.

Responsible sponsorship.

This is where it all comes into play. And

don't sell someone short.

This may be their only chance

to get this, and we forget this. This may be the only moment in time that they have an opportunity where they can pull together to the desperation and the willingness, and you're there at that perfect time, and all sudden you short change them

and try to start modifying.

And that's where it gets really dangerous. But if I actually follow this, those are some pretty amazing promises,

especially for a guy. You could torture me by sending me to my room because I was not alone, at perfect peace and ease. And now I've taken that to a whole new level.

It's amazing to be OK inside your own skin,

you know? And again, that's what's so critical about the 5th step. And it's not a confession by God, if you turn it into a confession. Since when did thrown up on someone ever help you also? And just blah, you know, all of the stuff that you've got going on inside your head and you wrote it down and you regurgitated it all over somebody

walking away, you may get a little relief. It's like taking an aspirin for a broken leg and may cut it a little, but eventually you're still left with the broken leg. I got to get down to the causes and conditions and the truth and that's why this is so important.

It's just so critical. And as a result, look at look at what comes out of this work.

I mean, that's some amazing promises,

amazing stuff. So

absolutely. And

written inventory is the truth as I see it, not necessarily the truth as it is, as it stands. So some of us come in ready to plead our case. As John would say, you don't understand, Listen to what they've done. But a responsible sponsor will turn the tables on you and drive home the truth that Michael talked about, that my problems are of my own making. And it's that simple. But when you get real complicated and real into all the nonsense,

you can get lost and somebody can tell you a story that will make you feel sorry for them. And if you're not ingrained in you to look for the defects and it's not ingrained in you to look for 4th column, you can fall victim to feeling sorry for that person. And it's not that some of us don't have some sad stories, cuz my God, we do. But I've got to see where I set the ball rolling. I've got to see where problems were in my own making. And you have to be willing to make yourself uncomfortable

to do that because it's sure not comfortable to tell somebody who's been molested

at three years old and they're 27 now that they're selfish when everybody their whole life is, oh, baby, I'm so sorry. It's uncomfortable to have to say. I understand that happened to you as a child and you weren't a victim comma. However, now at 27, you're a martyr and using it as a trump card. And This is why I get to drink and use and act however I want to. But you have to be willing to do that. And it's it, you know, like I said, it's sure not comfortable, but this does not have to

that complicated. It just doesn't. It just doesn't. If you can keep that simple truth in mind, you can hear inventory all day long. It doesn't matter whose it is, you'll be able to see that stuff as it pops up. All right, so it says. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. It's a precise direction, carefully reviewing what we've done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. So there's my fifth step prayer. Now why is it that I could know God better,

having done a fist at

well, I just saw who I was for the very, very first time. Some of us gotten honest about the facts and the truth and seen something in a different light. Now I'm clear on what I'm working with. I can know God better, right? So taking this book down from our shelf, we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. Carefully reading the 1st 5 proposals, we ask if we have omitted anything, for we're building an arch to which we shall walk a freeman at last. Am I hanging on?

So I'm going to go back. I'm going to look at that. What are the 1st 5 proposals?

Am I crystal clear on this stuff? Do I understand? Have I made the commitment? Was I honest in inventory? Did I get it all out or am I hanging on to something? Did I carve something out that I don't want to be honest about?

And there are times that that's going to come up in that hour that you spend with God. Something's going to be brought to your attention. And that's a time in which you can call your sponsor, let them know, or if you're in the same place as your sponsor, like Michael, stories like that. Here's what happened. And then get clear on it. I've had to do that. Get clear on it

and then go back, right? It's not worth it to try to hang on to something. And like I said earlier, omission and forgetting are two very different things. There are huge things that I had forgotten for years and as I remembered them, I got honest about them. But in that time, I didn't know. I didn't know. But you, you will know the difference. It'll be that gnawing at you. I know I got honest about everything, but I'm trying to hold on to something. It will gnaw at you if you do that. It says for we're building an arch that you're going to walk through free

at last. It's a pretty big deal. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? What am I really working with here? Have I laid it all out the way it's supposed to be? Or am I short changing myself because nobody else is getting hurt? If I sponsor you and you lie to me in inventory, I still walk free and clear. I still don't drink, I still sleep at night. Your short changing, you see how that works? So is it? Are the stones properly

place anything less than what they've asked us to do up into this point is a demonstration. I have a better idea. And if you do, you won't walk free and clear. You just want so I've got to get crystal clear on what those points are.