Steps 3 and 4 at the first annual Stay Sober for Keeps workshop in Laguna Niguel, CA

So now we're going to get into step three. We've kind of rolled off a step one and step Step 2. And, and the cool thing that with the thing that we need to remember is that we're trying to get sober for good and all, we're not trying to get sober for a minute. And so I had an experience recently where and, and you guys can't be afraid to, to say, you know what? I'm not sure you're really getting this. Why don't you go home and, and think about it before we get on with that third step. I worked with the girl recently and, and

you know, she got that physical pace. She understood that every time she she drank, she got drunk and she so got down with that. But when I started talking about the mental piece, she was like, no, I think I can control it. And that's what she said. I, I think I can control it. And so there was no point in moving on

with the rest of the steps because if I move on with the rest of the steps, then I'm denying her the chance of her finding her own truth. She's got to see her own truth. I can't make her see her own truth. Does that make sense? Because it's kind of like, if I don't see my own truth, I'm going to look at the rest of the stops and I'm going to go, Oh my gosh, that's good for her or him. They need that. I don't have to do that. Or that's where we start really balking and balking and balking later on

and we relapse and we wonder why we fell.

So I told her to leave and go try that controlled drinking, or go try to control it on your own. Or just don't do it. It's clearly a problem. Just don't. Just go home and don't do it.

Two weeks later, I get a phone call.

Get a phone call. 2 weeks later. I can't do this on my own. She's sober today. Yeah. I mean, that's the coolest thing. She had never been introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous ever. This is her first time in a a. How cool is that? That she gets a true experience in Alcoholics Anonymous? I'm. I'm digging it. I'm digging it

All right. So

I, I, I got to, I got to this little wind up joint in Dallas and, and we call them wind up joints because that's where you wind up. But

I used to go there every Wednesday night and every Wednesday morning we do that. We would do the IOP Wednesday morning. We would do the the inpatient on Wednesday night for the women. And the IOP was a mixed group. And, and I have to tell you the coolest thing looking out in this room

is how many women are in this room.

I can't tell you it Bree it, it makes me cry because it's not the norm. It's just not. And and I'm not saying it's not hard for men to get sober and bless you men that are here. I love you guys. But what we find a lot of times is that the woman gets home and they want, they need to what? Get take care of the kid, take care of the husband, take care of this, take care of that. We're the caretakers. That's just our that's just who we are.

And all of a sudden the big book, the book, the program, the, the, what we've been taught is pushed aside and we start thinking we need to what dude, dot, dot, dot.

And then we finally relapse. And So what I would see is I would see these 25 women inpatient. And when I would do outpatient, I would see one, two women.

And so I'm like, where are you guys? Where are you guys? So thank you for being here. Besides the fact that all of you are so freaking beautiful,

California. California looking good. I love the California time too. I like to roll into that.

All right, on page 60, let's get into this. On page 60 it says

I being convinced we're at Step 3. All right, So what are we convinced of? If you go right back up, it says a that we're alcoholic and cannot manage our own lives. Be that no human power can relieve our alcoholism, and that God could and would if he were sought. Here's the deal. Are you screwed and do you have a little hope?

I mean, that's the question.

Are you convinced of step one? And do you believe that this might work for you,

being convinced of that? But you have to be convinced before I'm going to move on. See, here's my question to you. If I'm working with you, are you done? Are you done?

Are you done for good? Because if you're not, I'm not wasting my time and I'm not wasting your time. See if you have a better plan and if you're convinced that you can do this another way. Adios, There's the door.

See ya, I don't mind saying it

because I want you sober and I want you on the firing line with me because I want more women out here doing this.

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self will can hardly be a success. So here's the deal. Here's everybody's like gets on step three and they're like, I'm, I'm on Step 3.

I'm figuring God out.

Didn't say figure God out. That's not what it says. Here's your requirements. Are you convinced that your life run on your own self will is not successful?

Yes. All right. There you go. Be convinced of that, right. So we have a few little requirements here. And then it's going to lay out a perfect example of what that looks like, right? Like everybody wants to be the actor, the director, the the setting up this, setting up that. Hey, listen, that's everybody in this world, not just you. You don't get that

character. See my husband is great my husband is. I love my husband death. Y'all know how much I love him but I when it comes to him driving

I look out the window and set today. Today I look out the window most of the time. Let's get honest, I must. Sometimes I tell him how to drive, but I look out the window and say that I will not mind be done because what he does is he sits there and he's like, oh, that person cut me off and right, right. He's like trying to tell everybody else how they should be driving.

Well, he's doing the same thing,

right? He can do that. See, everybody in this world lives by self propulsion. Everybody wants their way to some extent and thinks that they have a good idea of what it should look like. Everybody wants to manage and control things, right? And so you get to the next page

there, we're going to start talking about the alcoholic. All right, He says. Selfish self centeredness that I love, that

exclamation point that we think is the root of our troubles. Meaning the alcoholic

driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate,

or in my case, they go away. Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation, but we didn't find that sometime in our past we've made decisions based on self, which later plates us in a position to be hurt. Now, the first time I read that, I thought

you, you can take that page out.

Just mark it out because that's not me. I'm a giver. I give, give, give. I'm so sweet and kind, right? So delusional,

but let's let's look at this because it's as simple as this and I love when I when I go to the treatment centers I love to give this example. Let's say I'm sitting in a meeting, right? I'm sitting in a meeting and let's say Audrey looks at me and

I don't like the way she looks at me like she just. So now my mind is starting to turn, starting to turn, starting to turn. And then I start replaying every conversation that we've had in the past three months. I can't come up with anything that I've done because it's all I'm going to do something. And So what do I think? That bitch. That's really what I think

is what I think. So what am I going to do? I'm going to leave there and I'm going to call Kimberly. I'm going to call my friend Kimberly. I'm going to have, Oh my God, Kimberly, you won't believe what Audrey did.

And Kimberly is so sweet and she loves us and she wants us to be good. And she's the fixer of the group. So she's going to call Andre and she's going to say, Audrey, why? Why are you mad at Julie? Because Julie is awesome. Thank you, Thank you, thank you.

And Audrey is going to say what now? Driven by when I'm sitting in that meeting, what was I driven by?

Fear. Fear. She doesn't like me. Self seeking. I need her to like me to be OK, right? Self delusion. She's not thinking about me. The world does not revolve around me, although I think it does.

So I stepped on her toes.

What do they do in my life? They quit calling. I don't retaliate, they just quit calling, right? But who set the ball rolling? I made decisions based on fear, self delusion, self seeking, self pity. Does that make sense? It can be that simple. But see, that's how we manage and control things in our life. That's the self will that we're going to later see. That blocks us off for the sunlight of the Spirit.

That's the stuff we need to get around. But let me tell you, at Step 3,

I didn't see this. I didn't understand it. So it's not about understanding and figuring it out before we move on. It's about moving on so that we can look back and go, oh, shit. Oh, yeah. What I have to be convinced of is my life run on myself. Will is not successful.

It goes on to say quit playing God.

Why it doesn't work? If it's working for ya,

keep doing it. If it's not, we think we have a better way.

On page 63 it says

he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. If you are sponsored by me, you will hear that thousands and thousands of time because that is your job description forever and ever and ever.

What is your job? Keep close to him, perform his work well. What does that look like today? I don't know, right? But keep close to him, perform his work well. The simplicity of this program blows me away. It's that simple. We like to get in here and and muck it up, but it's so beautifully simple.

We have this beautiful prayer that we get to say once we're ready, once we're ready to take the step, move on. Listen, I'm not saying

this third step decision isn't a vital 1. The book says it is. It's vital. It's life saving, it's serious. It's a commitment. It's a commitment to say, you know what? Am I ready to do this? Am I ready because I better make sure I am? Have am I convinced of my truth in step one and I am in my? Am I believing that there's a higher power that's going to restore me to sanity? Because I don't know about you guys. I'm thinking that

drink is good at this point, right? I'm still thinking just because I come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and sit in a chair and write my name on a chair doesn't keep me sober. I tried that. Don't do it. I wrote my name on a chair and Alcoholics Anonymous.

Seriously, they still have it. I ran into a guy, he's like, we kept it in a closet. Didn't work right. It's kind of like meeting makers make it. No, they don't. No, they don't.

We come in here and I don't know about y'all. Have y'all heard that whole that for those who've been around for long, you hear that 123 out, 123 shuffle, 123 shuffle. And This is why. Because we make this decision, then we don't follow it up and that's the commitment. We've got to make the commitment of the step three, get down on our hands and knees and say this beautiful prayer and then follow it up with action afterwards.

The reason most people don't

make that commitment to follow it up with action afterwards is probably because they're not convinced in step one.

So if they're not convinced of step one, please don't make them do their third step.

It's not worth it to them,

it says. The wording was, of course, quite optional, so long as we express the idea of voicing it without reservation. So there's some stipulations here, right? It was. We got to make it honest and humble. And if we do and affect sometimes, not every time. Don't expect a great woohoo when you get up off your knees. Don't expect it sometimes. In effect, a very great one was felt at once.

You know, you hear all these, I had a burning Bush experience in my step three. And then you hear some people say I didn't. I did. I did. And my burning Bush, I did not see fire. I did not see flames. I had a sense of Oh my God, I know nothing. I know nothing about God. I know nothing about these steps. I know nothing about a A I've been around here for 13 years. What has happened to me?

I think this might work. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe not sure. Not sure. Right. Still doubting. Doubting because I've lived with alcohol for 22 years. I've drank for 22 years. That's all I know. How can you dare take that away from me? And you're telling me that I'm going to say a stupid little prayer, get off my knees and write some inventory and I'm going to stay sober?

That's insane,

but it's the facts. It's the experience that we have had. It's the experience

that they have had. If we do this work is outlined in this book, if we make the commitment, if we do it honestly, if we do it humbly and affect sometimes a great one was felt at once. It does not say you will enter a pink cloud.

It doesn't say that. So shut up about the pink cloud.

My biggest pet peeve in Alcoholics Anonymous is that people sit around and talk about this stupid pink cloud. I'm not kidding. I I was that newcomer all the time. And we start looking better and we start feeling better and we start smelling better and we start getting a little pokey, pokey again. And not say it because I'd like it.

And we start thinking, Oh, my gosh,

all is well in the world. I was making two hard turns of that drinking thing. I'm all right. And we go back and we drink again because we don't move on with the rest of the steps because nobody's standing there in my face saying you better get off your knees and get the pen to the paper because what this book says is the effect will be permanent.

But right let's next we launched out on a course of vigorous action then, first step of which is a personal house cleaning which many of us had never attempted

a tried to, but they told me I did it wrong. Though our decision, meaning that third step decision was a vital, life saving and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us.

I got an effect from that third step. Let me tell you, 7 1/2 years later, I still have an effect from that third step

today. I get just as giddy when I read these words. I get just as excited when I read these words.

I can't believe that getting on my knees and working some steps has kept me sober, but following this program of action has kept me sober when I tried everything else that was at my disposal.

How cool is that? And it didn't say you have to know God and understand God. It doesn't say that.

It says

say this prayer. Say it humbly, humbly say it honestly,

and then follow it up with some action. That's what it's all about. We'll we'll roll into some inventory and take a look at what this is going to look like. Now, if the third step is is a decision,

it's based on some information. If step one is the problem, Step 2 is a solution. Step 3 is a is a moment of contemplation about what to do about that. If if self manifested in various ways is what really defeated me. I'm only catching a glimpse of it in the third step like Julie was talking about when I look at the actor running the show and I'm and I'm looking at this stuff I can get with pieces of it, but I'm about to see it live and live in color come full force and inventory. And that's the point that what what Bill

up for is to see that problems are of my own making, because I've been a long time talking about problems that you made for me, at me, around me, about me.

And what I'm about to what I'm about to embark upon is seeing the truth for the very, very, very first time. You know, earlier on it talks about I may have admitted certain faults, but I'm certain that you're more to blame certain of it, convinced of it. You know, and I live in this delusional world of alcoholicism where everything is distorted

out of proportion doesn't make sense. And the only way to make sense about it is to say that it's it's out there. And what I can get down with in looking at the third step and rolling into inventories that if the problem is me and the problem is internal, then it can change. If the problem remains you, then it's time to get a bottle because because it's not going to be any different. So what we're looking at back on 64 is what's been blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit. This is the whole driving point of inventory is getting down.

Symptoms, causes, conditions, this is what we're looking for so it goes into taking a commercial inventory is going to give us an example taking a commercial inventory as fact finding, fact facing process, right. So when it says searching and fearless, this is what we mean. Fact finding is searching fact facing is fearless, right? Inherently we know some things deep down in our gut, but we're afraid to look at them. And if we look at them, it means by God, we might have to accept some responsibility, which is why nobody in this room prior to getting

ever took personal inventory. You will never convince me that you did it. You might have pseudo done it, but you didn't do it. Because if I can stop short and make it about you, why would I press on? I wouldn't I wouldn't right. It's an effort to to discover the truth, which is the was the piece talking about moral inventory, which means truth about the stock in trade. I'm going to disclose damaged or unsalable goods,

get rid of them promptly and without regret. Remember that Julie's going to talk in depth about that with Six and Seven. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.

What they're what they're referring to is delusion. I believe that some of the things in my life have served me and I'd like to hold on to on. The problem is they're killing me and everybody around me and I can't see it. And that's the sponsors job to get in and look at it and sift through and tease out the truth and show you the facts. Because I don't know about you guys, but I've I've I've lived a world based on emotion. Anybody get with that? If I feel it, it it therefore it is.

I don't like you, therefore you're a bad person. Well, not necessarily. I've got my little sensitive feelings hurt. There's been some sort of an exchange

and the truth has not been revealed yet until I slide down to 4th column, right? So God can't get in when I'm blocked out by resentments, my fears and my sex conduct. So we're going to take an overhauling and look at what am, what is it that's causing so much resentment within my spirit? The heaviness, the darkness, the drudgery. What does that look like? And a lot of times people say, well, I'm not really an angry person. Feel you. I don't have enough energy to be angry by God. I'm bitter.

There's something that's grinding on me.

There's something that's irritating me. Chris gives this great example. If the person that you are to write down in the first column, if you're having dinner with your significant other and this person walks into the restaurant, are you uncomfortable, right? Their name goes on the list. I don't have to hate you. I don't have to plot your demise. I have some of you, but right, Are you uncomfortable? That's a great way to look at it if you're wondering what that might look like. So it talks about self being manifested in various ways, defeating it. We're going to consider it's common manifestation

because here's the truth inventory is all the same. Everybody's inventory. There'll be different names, different scenarios, but what that those are called manifestations of self. So every if you're wondering, well, I don't have the same experience as how will I be able to see this person's truth? How will this person be able to see my truth easily just like that? Because while you're talking about is manifestations, resentment is the number one offender

and not the truth. It destroys more Alcoholics than anything else from its stem. All forms of spiritual disease

for we have been not only mentally and physically I'll, we've been spiritually sick. When the spiritual maladies overcome with straighten out mentally and physically, they begin to introduce this piece, this malady, the sickness that's kind of all over us and begin to look at what that looks like. So it says is they give you just the most simplest directions. And here's the truth guys, there's about 30,000 formats floating around about inventory. So not interested in which one of them you use doesn't matter to me. I need I need to see that you can get down to the facts.

Do you want to use check boxes? Check on you want to write it out right away. You want to use notebook paper? Cool. You want to do a print out? Fine. Do not get into a debate and get divisive about that kind of nonsense. It drives the newcomer into a state of confusion. Don't do that. Don't do that. So it says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. Somebody get down and look at it. I'm going to list people, institutions and principals. So this is all you're looking at in first conference. Don't overwhelm yourself. Don't work across the board

trying to get them all set out. Just walk. Just work first column people who are the names

and you guys know this stuff. Some people think I just can't remember. Really. Who are you on the bar stool talking about

who you've been in the garage drinking at? You know who these people are? You've been ruminating for years. Because God knows we don't let anything go, right? These people, these principles. What are the principles? What are principles of life that that you don't care for? Maybe it's 10 commandments. Maybe it's women should be seen and not heard, right? Maybe it's men should should treat people like this. You don't care. What is it that's grinding on you

places institutions, the Police Department have they wronged you in your eyes? The legal system, you know not been fair to you, right, Never fair. What are those institutions CPS got your kids. You thought you know they just did you wrong. Get it out. Get it down on paper. You want to put specific names have at it. I like to group them. You know I I put Corinth Police Department. There's only one person I'm really upset with the whole

all of you on there, you know, that's fine. Get down to it and see what it really looks like.

You've been told it's not OK to be gay. Put that on there. That rubbing you the wrong way doesn't sit right. Write it down. You cannot be afraid of what that person is going to think, right? I cannot care what Julie thinks about what I put on inventory. Life can't afford it. Absolutely can't get clear on 1st column because this will drive you. Then slide on over to that second column. What are the causes? And, and Bill's great. He's got it laid out on 65 on what his look like and we're going, we're going to take his inventory here in a bit.

It's the easiest thing in the world to see. So

I asked myself, why am I angry? So the second column is going to look like A cause. What is it that you've done or has happened to me as a direct result of your behavior. So in my in this going to say in most cases it was found our self esteem, pocketbooks, ambitions, personal relationships, including sex or hurt or threatened. We were sore. We were burned up in that indicative of everyone in this room burned up

eat up with with resentment. So just as just as simplistic as as Bill's done it on 65 on the cause. I mean, look at how

how simplistic this is his attention to my wife. I'm telling you what you pay attention to my man. We're going to get deep. I'm writing. I'm writing. He could have gone into novels about this and he didn't. Why? Because the details are not important. They're really not. If your sponsor needs to hear more detail to get a clear depiction of what's going on, they'll ask. They will. But see, I get lost in in column two because that's where I've always stopped

in my priority, getting sober, sitting on a bar stool talking about column one and two and possibly how it affected because I'm a martyr by nature,

right? But I get stuck in column two. Don't do that. It's not necessary. His attention to my wife told my wife about my mistress. He gossiped about me, got me in trouble at home. Now he's trying to get my job at the office. He could have written huge and you guys will run into people that do that. They'll bring you files

I've got I've got 832 pages of of inventory. I'm sure as hell I'm not going to listen to that. I don't have time and it's not important. What we need to drive down is to to the 4th column. I can't get hung up with you on you wanting to to do therapy with me. It's not not what we're doing. So it says on our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self esteem, security, ambition, personal or sex relations which have been interfered with? What part of self have you

interfered with so that I'm not happy with you

is if you don't threaten one of my God-given instincts? I don't know you're on the planet. I don't even notice you because that's how self involved I was right? But you start threatening my money, the relationship, the way others perceive me, you embarrass me. Do any any of these things that threaten sex, relations, security, who you know what I need to be OK, self esteem, how I feel about me. You start stepping on those toes and I will remember you till the day I die

itched in stone. You know what you did in the inflection and tone in your voice when you said it?

We are just, we are just like that. It's too funny. So I'm looking at column one, column two and column three. Now I'm somebody that went ahead and wrote out my the 4th column. I could see in some ways, in limited ways where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seek. I could see some of that just like I could see some of the actor running the show. But it wasn't until I got across the table from another woman who was emotionally detached from my drama and my nonsense

to be able to really clearly see it. And then when I begin to do inventory, the fear begins to set in of, well, at some point I'll be listening to inventory and what if I don't see it? Let me, let me pose this question to you. Ever been at work and had a coworker begin to tell a story about how they were wronged? And you're sitting there thinking, well, I can get with that, but you totally set that in motion. You made some bad decisions way back there and kind of caused this stuff to manifest. So that's really kind of on you,

right? It's super easy to see it in other people, but when you're in it, you're like in it to win it, right? You're like, no, you don't understand the detail and the you know, she said this and hold on, I got another detail over here. It's like nobody cares, right? No, no, Julie done for sure, for sure. I got asked this question more often than not. Audrey, what are the facts? I said I, I told you, I think that he feels because of what I think

just like

silliness, right? I, I'm a master that I think I know what you think about me and then I proceed to make decisions based upon that. That's a recipe for disaster. Recipe for disaster. A bunch of mind readers says we went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Now I'm, I'm a huge proponent of that thoroughness and honesty doesn't mean I take 6 months to write inventory. What it means is I got honest about the truth. I started from now what's eating your lunch today?

I'm not going to think about the boy who didn't, you know, ask me to dance at the 3rd grade little square dance. That's not that's not what's eating me right now at current. It was a relationship. It was the stuff my family and I have been through together. It was some financial stuff. It was the men in my life that had harm. It was that stuff. And then I can go back through back through my life. But if I get hung up on trying to remember all that stuff from square one, it becomes overwhelming. It becomes daunting. And this is where people throw up their hands and go, no

mind, It doesn't have to be that difficult. Yeah. And let's get real clear, if you can't get thorough and honest on a piece of paper, welcome to rarely

exactly, exactly. You'll have trouble downstream. And this is where people think that they don't have to write things down and begin to justify why they don't matter. And and you'll see people get loaded downstream and go, but I I work the steps you have it where you honest. How many times does it have to say back here in 58?

Three times in the first paragraph, to be honest, right? If I still care what people think about me, I'm not ready to get sober.

That's the truth. That's the truth. It talks about being fearless and thorough from the very start. It talks about next we launched out on a course of vigorous action. There denotes a real sense of urgency. And if you get caught up on how you feel, you're you're headed for a world of hurt. You just are. You just are. Sobriety is not difficult. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. I'm going to have to talk about examine, get willing to do a bunch of stuff I've never been willing to do before.

So OK, welcome to the process. It was easy. Everybody in the world would be sober,

right? But it denotes me doing some things that I'm not not too keen on doing. So it says on 66 says to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got and that the truth. The usual outcome is that people continue to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were soared ourselves. You may been there. I should have. I wish I had next time I'm gonna and you replay that over and over and they hate yourself because you couldn't be true. Couldn't be true to you says. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worst

Scott, that's a every time statement. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short lived. Right, because the delusion is if I can do it my way, I'll be happy. And you got to ask yourself that question. Did you come to Alcoholics Anonymous to get your way or to get something different? Right. I've spent a lifetime sitting there thinking about how it should have gone and what y'all should have done and how it should have gone down.

World of the world of Delusion.

So this elusive 4th column nobody seems to talk about is on page 67,

couple paragraphs down it says, referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done. We resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Brand new concept, own mistakes. I'm so not concerned with column one and column two. I'm really not. You could replace those with anybodies name anybody scenario. If you want to get free, you better look at you because the more time you spend looking at other people, the more unhappy you will become. You can take that principle on down the road because it will hold true.

So it says. Where have we been? Selfish, dishonest, self seeking and frightened. See, this is the nature of the defect. This is where we're all the same, Julie. Selfishness shows up in manifest very differently than mine. It does, See, Julie will run over you trying to make it work, trying to pile drive through life. I know better. I go behind the scenes quietly as I smile and get deceitful and fix whatever it is that I don't like and then go, huh,

right. That's what that it manifests very differently,

but it's the same defect, selfish. We think we know what you need to be doing. How arrogant of me. But it will show up differently. But this is the good news is that it's all the same. It just might, it just might appear a little bit different. So we're looking for selfish, dishonest, self seeking and frightened. So if you've got somebody writing it out on notebook paper, that's all they're writing, selfish, dishonest, self seeking and frightened. They're going to write the ways according to that resentment as they work across the page. How are they selfish?

How are they dishonest? And remember that dishonesty includes delusion more often than not. Right self seeking. How was it all about me? Because isn't it always all about me

frightened. What you'll find is that at the base of every resentment is a is a core fear. It is the driving force of all of your actions. And and I've never, ever known that to not be true. Now here comes the here comes the rub. Sometimes it's like, well, man, that was a bad situation that happened to them. I mean, how can they even have a part in that?

Let me show you where it is. Slide back over to 66,

first full paragraph down one line, and it says the to the precise extent that we permit these, meaning these resentments is unhappiness. Do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile? There you go. There you go. Is it your fault that you were touched inappropriately at three years old? Did you bring that on? No, you didn't play a part in that as an adult. Now that you're 47 and getting sober and have been unable to let it go your entire life, whose fault is that?

You think you can have a new experience with a human being as you're carrying around the sickness from your past

and justifying it. Why you get to drink.

That's the part. See what I mean? There's always a part. What are you doing with it? Are you a molestation victim or are you a survivor? Those are very different things. Are you using it to help other men and women who have have had similar experiences and have pain and bring them somewhere different and cool? Or are you still wet? Way? I got touched at three. Wow, right. Welcome to some truth in your life that is hard to see. It's hard to see, and I tell you what, it's even harder to say sometimes,

but if you love somebody and like you love another alcoholic, you'll tell them the truth, even if it's uncomfortable. But your fault? You got raped. No, but what are you doing with it? Right? This is what we're talking about. So back to 67. Back to this paragraph. It says though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white.

We admitted our wrongs honestly and we're willing to set these matters straight, right. So I if I'm going to get somewhere different, it stands to reason I've got to know where I am. I got AI have to have a clear depiction of where I am. And in the four step where I am is bound by self. I made a decision in three to ask God to relieve me of the bondage of self. But in four I'm getting to see what bondage looks like. See I'm I'm bound my by my defects. I am bound by selfishness. I am bound by delusion.

I am bound by my martyrdom, my victim mentality. And tell you what guys, if you walk out of a fist step, still a victim, you are in so much trouble. Victims do not get sober. They don't and they damn sure don't stay sober. Don't see, I've got to be free. If I, if it's still out here, then I'm still bound. If it can be in here, it can be changed and I've got to be able to have that mentality to walk in. So Step 4 is kind of like a Cliff, calls it a diagnostic step, right?

Diagnosing what the problem really is. So as I've written an inventory, as Julie's listening to it, she's making a list of character defects that are, are are spot on that are keeping me in bondage itself. So that when I walk into six and seven, what she's going to talk about later, I got a clear idea of what I'm working with. God already knows what he's working with, but I got to get eyeballs on what I'm working with so that I can clearly give to God what what's been shown. So it gets real important not to do a fist step with just a buddy,

somebody who's going to go, oh, I hear you. All right, move on. You know, bless your heart, darling. I had a drink too. If I had that, I got a life. You know, you want to you the the book is crystal clear that if you want to, if you want to do some inventory work with with a clergy person, if you want to do it with a pastor, if you want to do it with somebody of that nature, rock on. That's cool. But understand that's not

what we're looking at. You need to go to confession, Alcoholics Anonymous. So honors that awesome. Go do what you need to do,

but get with a drunk to see the truth because this will not be about what do I need to be doing to for forgiveness. You've already been forgiven by God and it will talk more about that in the nine step step. You've already been forgiven. What we're looking at is what is blocking me from the sunlight of the Spirit. How many times have you gotten on your knees and said, God please just help me stop drinking? And you said it with utter sincerity only to get off your knees and find yourself loaded in short order. What happened? Were you not really sincere?

No, of course you were, but you had too much stuff blocking you, right? So I've got to get down to causes and conditions. I, you know, I love Joe and Charlie that break down four step inventory and they talk about it being like a football replay. You know, those situations, those scenarios that you're writing about in the first couple columns, when you begin to replay those 'cause that's what resentment means, to replay it and then to essentially refill it.

Every time I replay that conversation I have with that woman's 15 years ago,

I replay it, I refill it. And the matter I become and the more she comes off looking like a jerk and I come off looking like a victim. So it's kind of like a football replay where the first time you see it, you're like, oh, that was a pretty hard hit. They got the quarterback and they hit him pretty hard. That was bad. Then what they going to do, they're going to slow it down and replay it. And as you see him flip up in the air, you're like, now that didn't that kind of look like you need a penalty on that or it looks crazy. As he hits the ground, you're like, now that is wrong.

That is wrong. They're going to replay it about four times, or the four times you're mad.

You don't even care about the teams that are in it, but you're mad. And that's what that stuff does. When I selfishly sit and ruminate over and over and over and the inflection and tone in your voice change and you get meaner and meaner every time you got on to me or whatever it was that was said. That's the obsession of my mind at this point is that I've got to be right and you've got to be wrong. Wow.