The EURYPAA convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

Hi, my name is Nicole. I'm alcoholic.

This is fun. You know, when I sat down here in front, they were only like the half room was full. And now it's like people everywhere, man. I need to pee.

Welcome to Yoruba. Yuri. Yuri, there you go. I'm so excited to be here. Really. I really wanted to come to your first year Republic. I couldn't. I wanted to come to the second one. I couldn't. And now I'm here, you know,

I'm just loving it. Oh, I didn't want to touch it. Sorry.

OK, I have my notes and they fell down.

There you go.

So thanks for inviting me. I got sober in California thanks to you guys

on June 10th of 99 in San Diego. I saw you back there. And that's thirteen years ago. And now I'm 40, you know, so this one is what happens if you stay longer, it's over. You get older and you wonder if you can go to Europa and you know, it's like whatever

I was AI would say, loved child, but my family was kind of dysfunctional and there was a lot of anger and a lot of violence and abuse and

a unhappy life and I hated it big time. You know, I remember having a good time, like with four or five and they kind of ended. And then I remember puberty and I hated my life so bad. I just wanted to kill myself like every day.

And I think that's maybe normal for teenagers, but I feel very special about myself there. And, you know, it got worse. I just was, I was thinking about like how I could kill myself every day basically. And I had all these ideas I could jump from there and I can cut my wrists and I could do this, but I was scared to even go wrong, you know, and I heard myself or something. I didn't want to like fall down and then be injured or so I wouldn't die, you know, not

even worse life. So

I I didn't have the guts to do it and I started drinking and I was a black out drinker and I loved it. It was so much fun. You know, when you're blacking out, you're like gone. This is almost like dead, you know, it's like the little dead or as you when you sleep, sometimes you dream, but when you're blacking out, you're gone. And I just love it. It's all I wanted to do and I did. It was nice

and my life got worse. You know, it's not helping when you hate your life and you're drinking. Really. It's getting really worse. And

then I, I managed school and

I came to California for work. It wasn't really work. It was kind of part of school, like education. And I had four months there and I was supposed to do an internship at a law office, but I couldn't speak English and I wanted to go drinking and surfing. So the teacher, you know, let me off the hook and I, that's what I did. I went to school, learned a little bit English when surfing and drinking. I loved it,

you know, It was so fun. Nobody knew me and it could reinvent myself totally. I could like come up with stories and all kind of stuff and people would just believe because they didn't know who I was. It was a nice time and it got worse, you know, because then I was really off the hook and

then I met these Alcoholics. I think everybody in California is an alcoholic or in a or something like they were like all over the place. And I met some of them and I, they took me to my first meeting there,

the Old Town speaker meeting.

And I didn't want to go there because I was thinking I was an alcoholic, you know, I like drinking. I wanted to go there because I knew people that were alcoholic and I wanted to help them, you know, and tell them what you do. And I went there to this meeting there. And these people, they didn't look like Alcoholics. They were, like, wearing suits and they were wearing jewelry, and they were looking good, you know, And they were having fun and laughing. And they were thinking, this is so crazy, you know, they can't be Alcoholics.

There's nothing fun about being an alcoholic, you know, not that I know of. And then this transvestite gets up and tells his story.

Where am I? You know, what is this? It was a crazy night. And then he told his story, like he was very drunk. And he was laying in this Bush and somebody was choking him, and he couldn't move because he was so drunk. And I sit in this meeting, you know, and I feel with him and thinking, I want to be that drunk. Yeah, this is exactly what I want. And

that kind of concerned me.

I thought I shouldn't think this, this is maybe this, maybe I shouldn't drink for a while until these thoughts go away. And what happened is they didn't go away. They got worse. You know, I wanted to drink all the time now because I had no break. And now I don't know what to do, you know, and I'm stressed into this, so I want to drink. What do I do? So I went back to the meetings. But these people, they say hello to you when you come early.

Did I want to talk to you? And I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't know what, you know, what to do. So I, I came late and I, I came very late and was sure the meeting had started. Nobody would talk to me. And then I would grab the big work from the table that was always on the table right there. And I would pretend to read so they don't call on me, you know, because I'm busy reading there

and then I leave early. But I couldn't figure out what they did to stay sober. They were making no sense. There were steps on the walls here and it made no sense to me. And they were sharing stuff like I made amends and like, what is going on? I couldn't make any sense out of this. I didn't even know I was an alcoholic or not. And I needed to figure that out, that was for sure. Because my mind went like 180 miles an hour going faster every day.

No break. And I,

I asked people, you know, what makes you an alcoholic? And they tell me what makes them. It makes no sense to me. It didn't really fit my situation, my difficulties, you know, my specialties. And they never told me if I was an alcoholic. They didn't answer that question. And after a while, I discovered in the San Diego meeting schedule, there is a question to any questions. So like, oh, this is going to help me, you know?

Did you lose time from work to drinking? Like, I have no job. No.

Did drinking make your home life unhappy? Well, I don't live at home anymore. No.

As drinking affected your reputation. No. Drinking. Not only drugs, no. Did you have a hard time sleeping because of drinking? I'm blacking out. No,

this is this question. Make no sense.

Umm, did you drink to escape from your promise or worries? Yeah, kind of. Did you drink alone? Yeah, kind of. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory, Remember memory as a result of drinking? That's why I drink, you know. Yes. So I figured I have only 10 out of 20, so that's good. And then it says if you answer yes to three or more questions, you know, you may be an alcoholic.

So that was no good information. And I kept asking people and they're like, yeah,

why don't you try to put thirty shots of whiskey and drink every day? One shot

and I just knew you. I couldn't do that. You know, I would have one and then take another one and think you know what, I have two today and none tomorrow. Much better idea so and I wouldn't know I would never last 30 days, maybe 1 or maybe 2, whatever, but not 30. No way that would not happen. So

I decided, yeah, maybe I'm alcoholic. What do I do now? Right, so

they're all happy in the meeting. I hate my life. And they said, yeah, what do you do? And they said we work the steps, like okay, what's the steps? You know, they're in the book. So, OK, take a bottle of water for me, please. Honey,

I can't speak anymore. He told me to hurry up my story, so I need to speak really fast. No, no, you're doing fine. Yeah, thank you. You're right. The steps already.

So step one, you know, we admitted repose of alcohol. I wasn't really sure, but I knew I couldn't drink anymore until I hadn't didn't have these thoughts anymore and I knew I couldn't do thirty shots of whiskey in 30 days. So I figured this is OK pass one, you know, and then came to believe that a power gear ourselves could restore us to sanity. No way I could believe that you know, I didn't believe in God and there was no way I would. But they told everybody, told me that was happy everybody.

And they were partying, you know, like you guys, they were like young people partying. They were skiing and ice skating in San Diego and riding bikes. And they would go, you know, all kinds of stuff, hang out at the beach. And, you know, they said they worked the steps and they had helped them. And I, I had no other options. So I, I kind of believed them. And I believe the steps could restore me to sanity. And that was it with the higher power. That was good enough for me. Thank you.

So I decided to turn my life over to the steps. You know,

because there was number God.

And then I needed to do a Step 4 and sadly I had to go back to Germany. I couldn't ask anyone to do this. So I went to AA Germany and there were was a guy who had a sponsor in California and he said he had faxed him a list. And in those days, because it's more than 10 years ago, if you get a fax, they were rolled, remember? So you had this role,

you know,

we're having this list. So I'm, I'm trying to fill out the columns, you know, like anger. And I didn't feel much anger, you know, OK, my parents and stuff. But I thought that was it. So. And they said, no, no, no, it's not five people. It needs need to be more. So I'm sitting at home really seriously, I'm sitting on my chair going like this. I'm angry. You know who comes to mind? And all of a sudden it goes like, Oh yeah, this guy and this guy and this guy and I, I totally got into this anger thing, you know,

So I'm freaking out, you know, and I'm throwing the, the sheets away and I have to wait for a week to come down and then I take him again. And that way, it took me like 8 weeks to do my 4th step, actually 8 hours kinda, you know, but I did a little longer and I had a really long sex list and

a yeah, you want to know that one, right? Let's meet later.

And it was basically everybody I ever met was on that list. That was a fucking long list, like over 100 people. Yeah. It was like Peter cheated with them. This guy cheated with this guy. She. This was like a cross, you know, and and

then I had like the other columns, like what it affects and did I do anything, you know, did I lie to these people? Did I behave selfish? You know, you know, be afraid. And I,

I figured out I had crosses at all of them. Like as much as I had all the names, I had all these crosses on there. I'm like, this can't be true. You know, it was my impression these people had they all done me wrong, you know, so now I'm having a part here. This is not this can't be true. So I did it another time to just to make sure, you know, second cross and the same result. So that was bad information and

now I need to do a Step 5. So I, I was looking for the only guy that was under 30 and not smoking

and he was a gay guy, so that was good. And yeah, he could understand me, you know, and we met at my place. He had never, you know, done the steps himself or like, it's just figuring this out, you know, and he's like, just tell me, you know. So I'm reading this and I felt really shitty at this time. I in my, in my life, it was like a 5 or 10 hour thing, you know, I was sharing forever, but real time was only three hours,

but it didn't feel like 3 hours at all. It felt like forever. And,

you know, he said when I I had all these, these legal things I had done, you know, a felonies or what's the name, I don't know. And he said, I said, you know, is this, what do you think about this? And he said, you know, normal people, they want to do that too, you know, but some of them don't do it and some do. But for Alcoholics, it's normal to behave that way. And you know what, if it was, if you were the only person I wanted to behave like that, there would be no laws against that,

you know, So they kind of took the edge off, you know, everybody wants to do that. And okay, maybe I'm not that bad, you know. And when he went off, you know, see you one day, I was like, I need food and I ate three pizzas because I was so exhausted. It was a very exhausting experience. And then I watched him in the meetings and and looked at him if he like would, you know, shy away from me or, you know, not hug me as much as usually or maybe look at me when I don't look for something.

But he didn't.

Hey babe, Like a totally normal person still. And that changed the impression. I thought maybe I'm OK, you know, maybe I'm not the worst person in the world. So

it opened me up for being able to deal with these things. So now I wanted to do a step 6. And we were, we didn't know what to do. The book is only this like six and seven is this much, you know? And we couldn't make any sense out of this. So I went back to California to a step meeting I knew there

and ask them and everyone step six and seven, Funny, this is how it goes. And they said you know what,

you are an alcoholic and as an alcoholic you will only do things if you get anything out of this. So you have found out about your character defects and you have something that you're getting out of them. Find out what and then find out how you can get them in a social way, not an anti social way. So I'm going back with my character defect and I'm making the list.

I thought I make a new list, you know, just in case I didn't want to do with the old one. It was a long, messy list. So and I called my friends like, I'm thinking about my character defect. Do you have any ideas? Like, yeah, we do. So.

So I had my list and then I was supposed to figure out what I get out of this and what to do instead. Like, for example, I would steal a lot, you know, And the big advantage of This is Money. You know, I have something out of this money. I like money

and how I can get this in a social way. I can work.

Totally new concept

and you know this is how I did it. I just figured out like, what to do instead. And this was behaviour I had never, ever

exercised. Yeah. So I had now a list of things I could change if you want to change. And was supposed to pray about them. And I didn't believe in God. Still no God there. So I I figured I pray anyway. Doesn't hurt because there's going to be a God, so no problem there.

And then

somebody told me, you know you're selfish and you have to pray about this because you cannot help your selfishness. You may be lied to this person and you're honest to this person, but your selfishness will decide what you're going to do. You can do both. And it's like you have cake. You have a big piece and a small cake, small piece of cake. And you can give the other person the bigger cake, but you want the bigger cake. You know, you cannot do anything about the selfishness

and that one will decide what you're going to do.

That's why you need to pray for this. I didn't care. I prayed and was it step 8:00 and 9:00? And now I needed to do a men's and I had all these names and somebody in the meeting in San Diego once told me, you know, don't burn the list, you need the names. So I'm like, okay, I had the names and I had cut off all the other stuff so nobody would know that.

And now I needed to figure out what to do first. So I had people I wanted to do a men's people. I never, never go to do a men's and like medium people

and I'm, you know, putting them there and there and figuring it out. Nothing happens. I feel worse. So what I did is I did it alphabetically, you know, start at the top because otherwise I would have never started. And I started with a girl with the initials BB, Bridget B.

Next thing I know, I meet her on the bus. Haven't seen her in 10 years. You know, there she is on the bus. Hello.

Nice to see you. Yeah, you know what? I wanted to call you anyway. And she's like, yeah, really.

So I said, yeah, I wanted to make amends to you. I didn't behave in a appropriate range. He's like, really? You know, she's excited her. And,

yeah, that we met up and as it turned out, I had promised her once to cook for her and she finished her studies, which of course I never did because I didn't care what she did. And now I was supposed to cook for her. And she's sitting there in my kitchen, you know, and I'm cutting carrots. And she's like, sitting there like this, you know,

and just enjoying the scene, you know? And I'm making amends. And she's going, Oh, yeah, and you did this and this and this.

This was a bad day,

but at the end I was able to meet that woman, you know, and any of us. I was not afraid of her anymore. I wouldn't look away. I could just walk up to her, whatever. I was in peace with that woman, you know, even though it was a very embarrassing experience, which were the other other hundreds too, they were like very embarrassing experience of all of them. And I tried to make amends in the way that I corrected what I did. For example, there was this girl with this beautiful hair and I, it was bitching about her all the time

because she had some beautiful hair and you know, she's bad there. And so now I'm trying to correct this. And what I did is I bought her like stuff for her hair. It makes it more beautiful, you know, and I really hated doing these kind of men's, you know, and I said I was sorry for what I did. And here's as a makeup, you know, and she's like, whatever. And anyway, it was very embarrassing period of time. But what happened in the process was that I could, I could open up. I, I freed my town, you know, I could go there

and there and there and I was not afraid of more anywhere. I could go anywhere and I couldn't meet anybody on the street. And I noticed once I went down the street and I was looking at the feet and then I just said I can look up. There will be nobody there that I'm scared of. So I looked up and I felt like free in the first time in my life ever, you know, without alcohol. So that was a very,

very big reward. I got out of the nine steps. Oh, this, two more minutes. Good

and I did 1011 and 12

so that was fun anyway, you know it changed my life. It totally changed my life from a very negative. Let's go to the blackout as soon as possible the longest possible to I can I can match life. I can go out and meet people and stuff and.

Now it's 13 years later and

you know, when it was in Stockholm,

yeah, I really wanted to go to Stockholm because I'm from Sweden, you know, and I can do it. And you know what, Actually, 10 years ago we were with a bunch of young people and we wanted to start Europa, but we couldn't. We were like to unorganized and young and sobriety. So we're like totally confused. We've lost our phone numbers. Nothing happened. But we had figured out the name and it was Eurypass, so they were you. Anyway,

on the first year I really wanted to go there, but I was so sick I couldn't walk. At that time

I had I had something with my back and the doctors had told me to get ready for a wheelchair, to stay there for the rest of my life. I will never walk again and

my boyfriend at the time, he decided to marry me. Like, what is the guy thinking, you know, and

we got married like a week before Europa. And on the way on that day, I was a big party in in town because the Princess got married to that was the only appointment we could get. But I don't know why. And there was lots of parties and music there, you know, and I couldn't enjoy it because I had to lay down in the hotel five times and go back to the hotel because I couldn't walk and stand up that long because I was in so severe pain. And I was,

he was carrying, you know, and that he married me anyway, kind of really healed a lot of old stuff in me. And then because I was so sick, I couldn't work. So next year, Dublin, I had no money, damn it. And I really couldn't go, you know, I was still in pain, not that bad anymore, but still in pain and no money. So I skipped on this one. And this year I'm walking,

I'm having the money, and I'm here with you guys.

This is so much fun

and what I really think, you know, in this process what happened through this experience, I got a different read on meditation because the reason why I'm here is one of them is because I meditate. And when I meditate, I imagine how my body heals. You know, that's like, if you, you just imagine like in the in commercials when the, the health medication is going down your blood, you know, you just imagine like how your body heals and that helps.

And I got a totally different read on negativity, that negativity. If I, if I'm negative, my life gets worse and my body gets too. And staying in a positive concept has helped me tremendously with my recovery physically And

willpower, you know, I don't think we're here to give up our willpower. You know, there is a special way of exercising the willpower which is not stealing the money. You know, but you can't exercise willpower.

And I have come to a totally different relationship with what you can call God in this.

You know, it's not God in a classical sense. It's more like the universe and energy and I'm done

anyway, you know, thank you for guys for inviting me and thank you for, you know, partying on and it's not, you know, it didn't die in the between and I couldn't go. So thank you.