The EURYPAA convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

All right, can everyone hear me?

I can hear myself and it sucks.

This is weird.

OK, my name is Jonas and I'm an alcoholic.

OK

me and my ego thanks you for that. That was great. And I'm so fucking nervous, dude.

Yeah, I probably am. I'm like, before this, I had all these like worst case scenarios. And yeah, I was actually talking to Morton because I I was totally freaked out when when I was asked to do this. Well, thank you whoever asked me, by the way,

because I felt like I had to like come up with some super fucking smart thing to say and like, it's gonna blow your minds and,

and you know, I'm going to get invited to speak at world conferences, you know, like do the

week long fucking workshops and go through everything, you know, and, and like, like I just looked at me. It's like, dude, that's not why they want you to speak, man. It's like if they wanted someone to talk about their understanding of the whatever tradition, they would ask someone else. They want you because of your story. And that helped. So that was just like, no, just down to one fear, and that's total amnesia.

And it hasn't kicked in yet, so we're good. So yeah, I'm from. I was born and raised and did most of my my drinking in Gothenburg, Sweden.

And now I'm living here in, in Denmark and yeah, big woo.

And my Home group is the men, men, men, men's group on

Yeah, best, best eaten in town.

It's it's a Thursday nights at what, 8:15 or something. And we eat before and it's, it's great. And

I, that group kind of didn't really save my life, but it kind of saved my recovery. Yeah. And my sanity. You know, we didn't have much before before I came to Denmark actually. Anyways,

my childhood was like pretty nice. I'm the love child of a psychologist and an anarchist and that turned out pretty well. Like

was true. Like in my in my close family, there's no no alcoholism or addiction and like they didn't beat me or abuse me or call me names or anything. They were just like normal nice people and trying to race me and

I don't know if they did a good job, but they did a job.

But like what? What? The thing was that from like an old age I felt different, like I didn't like myself, but I had a huge ego so I knew that I was better than you. I just fucking hated myself and you by the way.

And yeah, it's like a the paradox of my life.

But

yeah, I really didn't enjoy living. I didn't enjoy existing. I didn't enjoy fucking doing all this stupid stuff that kids did in my school, like play football. Like I never got it, you know, I did enjoy things that took me out of reality. So I started reading a lot of books. That was like my first obsession. I read books all the fucking time. I didn't do anything in school. I just went to school because they had a library and I had good books in it. So read books. And at an early age, I realized that there was something called

mind altering substances.

And I just knew that that was the solution to me or to life, you know? And

yeah, so I started drinking as soon as I could. I don't know how all those made me like, 12 or 13 or something. And yeah, when I say drinking, I also mean smoking and popping pills and freebasing and shooting up and snorting. But I'm going to make it like push it all into drinking because

I don't differentiate much between Alcoholics and addicts. I mean, it's just the same, same illness. And I mean, if, if the AA book didn't work for addicts, I would be dead. So you know, I don't make much of a difference.

God, my mouth goes dry so fast.

And yeah, so the whole issue was that drinking didn't really solve my problems. It took me away from my problems. And like, it gave me a shorts short time of unconsciousness, but it didn't really fix anything. What what I actually did to me was that it made me hate myself even more and it made my life completely unmanaged. You know what I mean? I can pronounce the word.

And

so I'm just going to skip all the boring stuff. You know how it is to drink, you know how it is to use drugs if it's, it's pretty much terrible for most time, you know, And when I was 18, I was sent to my first treatment. Unfortunately that was a 12 step treatment. And

yeah, I was angry with that place for a long time because they destroyed it, you know, because I thought that I had the solution in in the form of booze and,

and they, they kind of made it obvious to me that it wasn't a solution. It was actually a large part of the problem. So after trying, you know, after treatment, trying to do meetings and drinking not at the same time, but like

pretty much very close to it. And that didn't really work out for me. It made everything so much worse. And I really, really, really started hating myself, like

a lot, you know? And, and the horrible thing was that alcohol didn't really work for me anymore. It was like reality got so intense that not even when I was one second from passing out, I could could I deny that I did something to myself that was really bad

and destructive, you know?

So in, in 2002, several treatments later,

I, I was in a, in a treatment place and I ran away. I went back to my hometown with a, with a guy from the, from the center. He had lots of money and like, my plan was to rob him once we got back to town, But, but then we got drunk on the bus and became friends instead. And, but he had a lot of cash. And like, the deal was that we're going to stay at a hotel and we're going to do like fancy drugs and like bring champagne and be like, you know, rap video and

and then go back to the center week later and say, oh, sorry, can we come back? You know, because people did that. They wanted to make money in this place,

so they didn't kick you out for nothing. And the thing was that I stayed away for four days. And that was like, no, not like that was the worst four days of my life. Nothing worked even slightly. I didn't even get drunk. Like I got wobbly. I got sick, but I didn't get fucking drunk. And

I tried to kill myself before but not properly so I didn't die so like that was an option. And obviously drinking didn't really work for me. So

the only thing I could do was to to come go to the fellowship and ask for help. And luckily when I asked for help, people were were happy to help me and they said come to a meeting, do 90 meetings in 90 days. This was another fellowship, by the way,

and they told me to do 90 meetings in 90 days and get myself a sponsor and do lots of service. And I did that and it worked.

I realized, I realized a couple of years later that they, they also talked about steps,

but what they said about the steps is like, well, it's, you know, it's, it's a big deal. So focus on staying sober, you know?

Yeah, but that was pretty good news for me because I didn't like, I, I was reading them and they saw like, yeah, the 1st 3:00 I could do pretty fast, but like 4 write stuff down. It seemed like a lot of work for I don't know. So when they told me like, take it easy, I took it easy, you know, and I took it easy for

six years.

And I mean, I'm not going to say that those six years were like really bad for me. I so much stuff happened with me. I became slightly more responsible and I became,

yeah, slightly, slightly less criminal and, and

way better at being dishonest.

But I mean, I did a lot of cool stuff. Like I did shit loads of service. And I think that's what would actually kept me, kept me like in the fellowship and in the meetings because I got something from it, you know? And

yeah. And all of a sudden, one day I'm like, I did all these big changes in my life I like when I was two years old. But I realized that society was fucking boring and I didn't want to be a part of it. So I became a fire performer in the streets instead.

And in the beginning I was pretty bad. So I had to get a job and I was living in Stockholm and I was driving the the metro. And like, I thought that I wouldn't want to be, you know, the working class hero and do the metro for the rest of my life. And like, after two months, they fired me for being a safety hazard.

You're like, my attention span isn't, isn't something to brag about really. And surprise, surprise, driving the metro, you're underground in a tunnel

stick that says forward and stop, and you have a button to open the doors. You know, there's not much that can't go wrong. But apart from killing people, I did all the things that can go wrong. I opened the doors while still in the tunnel.

I forgot to stop at train stations because

like I was going really fast and it was filling me with my phone.

Yeah, well, stop clapping. Stop clapping because it gets worse,

because I got lost twice.

Yeah, yeah, sober, sober.

So yeah, they fired me and I said that this is an excellent chance for me to to save my life and like, don't be a part of this fucking crappy society. So I wanted to save my life and I wanted to save my relationship. So the best thing to do was to move to Barcelona and live on the streets.

So I did that.

The relationship ended kind of abruptly when I went to Portugal for a rape festival with two Israeli girls.

And I didn't cheat, but that was kind of like the nail in the coffin. But a relationship, you know, that was a complete fucking asshole to that girl. And yeah, I'm, I'm still working on the immense ongoing process of staying away.

But anyway, what happens, I'm going to like, I'm going to squeeze several years of being a bum. Like you wouldn't believe it, but I had a shaved head. I had what, 22 millimeter earrings and,

yeah, shaved head with dreadlocks on the back barefoot six months a year and doing fiery shows for, for change from, from dumb tourists in, in, in Barcelona and other places. And

so I went to Thailand and I made a Danish girl and I ended up in Copenhagen and I started hating like I, I'm, I, some people say that I'm angry and I like to say that I'm very passionate.

But yeah, I was, I was, I was an angry man or angry boy caught in man's body.

I,

what happened was that I, I got sick of doing fire shows because that was really hard. Like I had to practice a lot to, to, to like maintain a certain level and I don't like to like practice a lot. So, so yeah, I came to Denmark to hang out with this Danish girl who's, who's my, my girlfriend and we have a kid today and it's all pink and, and, and awesome, but,

and

where was that? Yeah, I came to Denmark and I was really angry.

No, I was really passionate. Yeah.

And one day I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm in, I'm in the metroium and like this guy bumps me with his shoulder and sends, I'm very passionate. I turn around and shove him in the back, you know, and like there's a small scuffle or shuffle or whatever it's called, like a small fight. And

and I go to meeting and, you know, I'm angry, I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm upset. Like it's, it's so horrible. You know, it's, it's so hard being sober. Yeah. By the way, I used to meeting as my free counselling sort of. And but, but I got really offended when people like, well, I had that problem and I did like, you don't fucking talk back to me.

Fuck, man, I'm sharing. I'm sharing like all my emotions and you answer that.

So I'm in the meeting and I'm, I'm whining. I'm, I'm being so pathetic. You know, it's like, oh, it's so hard. You know, I've been, I've been sober for six years. And I mean, I thought it would be better than this. And I'm all all angry all the time. And after the meeting, this American guy comes up to me. It's like, yeah, well, you know, I feel your pain, Bra. And it's like, yeah, I had the same problems. And it's like, yeah, right. And, and he says that, you know, I, I, I find a solution

like, OK, he says that, yeah. Have you heard about this book? Like the Blue book is called alcoholic synonymous.

And you know, I went through the motions of considering just punch him there or like take him somewhere else and just, I don't know, butcher him. But but no, at that point I was,

I was kind of, I was kind of fed up with being angry and I was in, I was in Copenhagen. I didn't really understand Danish because it's like a weird, weird accent of Swedish. And

no, yeah, So

we really, really like what happened was that

I kind of, I kind of surrendered and like I gave up because

basically I realized that like my, my opportunities of, of having like all all this wasn't very good if I'm going to continue like doing nothing, just being angry. And this guy seemed like even though it was an asshole for, for saying it like he seemed like he had something, he was like he was, he was really calm. You know, it's like hippie calm,

like, you know, like scary.

So. So yeah, I said all right, fuck it, you'll be my sponsor number. We'll see what's like #5 I think

maybe 4. All right, never mind. And yeah, I moved a lot. And yeah, people told me I had to have a sponsor. So every time I knew I got a new sponsor, you know, and just like this person that I say, hey, do you want me to be my sponsor? I'll call you. And I never did. I asked a lot of people to sponsor me anyway.

He took me through the steps in

in what, three months? And

like today, sometimes I feel like I wasted six years on being angry because like the difference was huge. You know, like what, four or five years ago, I, I still would have done the speak if they asked me, but I would have said different stuff and I wouldn't have promoted the steps. And I will walk away feeling like

I don't know, like I sold myself or something. No, just the thing that I could wake up in the morning and and my face wouldn't hurt

because I wouldn't cleanse my my jaws in my sleep. You know, I wouldn't break my own teeth from from being angry. I wouldn't, I wouldn't like destroy every human relationship in in my life because I'm just completely incapable of being

wrong. You know, I'm like, I'm, I was the kind of guy I still am the kind of guy that has to be right. It's it's better, you know, and and that's great. Yeah. Someone once told me that you can't be right and happy. That sucks,

but I mean, it's true. It's true. And it's, I mean, it's a bit of a bummer that it took me 6 years to figure that out, but it's actually true. Like I can be right and I can tell myself that I'm happy, but if I force my will onto you, I'll feel bad afterwards because I have some sort of a consciousness, you know? And. And yeah,

well, time's ticking, huh?

I feel like I still have two minutes by the way, so I could stay up here and be funny, but like I'm, I'm kind of blank in my head now and I'm not going to waste your time with

dumb, dumb penis jokes or whatever. That was my backup. That was my backup. Like if I really fucked up and it's just going to pinch me and I'm going to tell a funny joke and run. But it's fucking awesome here. I'm so glad I had opportunity to speak. Sorry if I offend anyone by cursing.

Write about it tonight. Thank you.