The EURYPAA Convention in Stockholm, Sweden

And now please join me in welcoming tonight's main speaker, Oscar F from Reykjavik, Iceland.

Hi everybody, my name is Oscar, I'm from Reykjavik, Iceland and I'm an alcoholic.

You can just feel the love in here.

I want to start by saying and making absolutely clear there are no refunds. So if you don't like what I say, you just got to live with it.

That's right. That's right.

Yeah. First of all, I really want to thank the committee, Jay and and and the gang that are putting this together. It's a fantastic convention here,

Anna, and a real honor to to be to be the the first speaker in the first meeting, because then everything could go uphill from here.

No, really I came into, I think I'm going to go a little bit before I started drinking into as a kid. I had that that whole, I've described it before

as an active alcoholic and even even as a dry drunk without any, any sort of program. I've sort of seen it as you have a, a great gaping hole in the middle of your chest which you tried to fill basically with anything before you get any recovery. And I remember this feeling as a kid starting out quite young, that you had that really not belonging

feeling a little bit awkward and just trying to beat the shit out of everybody to make up for it.

You see, I met Datney. We knew I knew her as a kid.

That's why she's like that.

No, really sorry, sorry. You see, I still do it. No, but, but in honest

retrospect, this was just fear. The, the fear. I mean, I had an alcoholic dad so and, and I have a quite nice he's, he's got loads of siblings. They're all Alcoholics and, and there's a lot of alcoholism in my family. So I am walking through that for me anyway, that this is a genetic disease and I feel like I was born with it. And I'm I'm pretty sure if I hadn't started drinking, I would have found some other outlet for my addictions.

Because in the way I see it,

drinking wasn't really my problem. Drinking was my solution to this nice gaping hole that I had.

And as a kid I tried to do, I mean, I could never miss out on anything. If I missed if, if, if my friends were going camping and I couldn't go 'cause I was sick. I felt this, this fear of missing out on something and this it stayed with me, this fear of of being outside, the feeling of standing outside looking in and, and really losing, missing out on something. And I can feel it when

when I'm I'm working too much. So now I'm not really in my program. The sphere starts coming back. This, this fear of losing out and missing out on something.

And that gives me back to my nice little hole, which I try to stuff anything into to fix. But

then around 12 years old, my I hang around with kids a little bit older than me. So when they were 1415, started drinking. I was 12. My solution came and I didn't realize it until many, many years later when I read in the book where Bill says I had arrived. That was my feeling.

Alcohol was my salvation.

It didn't matter what people thought about me when I was drunk. It just it was such a Liberator. The freedom that came with drinking absolutely dumbfounded me, and for 10 years I drank as much as I can, as often as I can. Anything. If I could get my hands on a drink, I drank it. That was it.

And during my, my school years, it didn't matter whether it was a school day, the next day or whatever. If I had the opportunity, I could find we had the friends, quite a lot of friends of mine or also sober. Now we have a saying we, we, there were two reasons to drink where there was a full moon or not a full moon. I mean, those are the two reasons you need it.

So so my teen years went into trying and obviously 16 years old, I found the solution to all my cash flow problems. I became a bartender

so then I worked 3 weeks a month, Drake a little bit in the bar and then I drank out my whole salary the 4th week. And this was perfect because I mean

it didn't cost me much, always partying and this was it. And again I had this feeling I had arrived. But unfortunately around 2021 maybe it stopped working for me.

The, the alcohol started to get me just up to feeling normal and the anxiety and the fear and the,

the self loathing and the self hate that came in the days between when I wasn't drinking.

It got the the, the upper hand. So fortunately for me, I had a couple of friends which I'd known from childhood who both had become sober a few years ahead of me. So.

And there's one friend of mine

obviously saw my problem and tried to do so sort of behind the scenes, getting me to see it and, and doing all sorts of game fun and games. I remember one night we were sitting, I just come from abroad, so I had a, a bottle of, of whiskey at home and we were sitting in my my living room talking three of us, two sober guys and me. And I was always going to the bathroom and then coming back smelling a little bit more of whiskey. So, but they still, they, I mean, they tried to sort of go around it. And then the third friend, who also had been

few years, he's a bit of an upfront man. He calls himself a Blue Man. I think some people here know him.

Came up to me, we sat at a coffee. He looked at me and said, Oscar, the guys tell me you're an alcoholic. And it was like this. They've been sort of pushy footing around for for a few weeks. And he just came out with it and and I owe him a lot for that because I think it was too late. Two weeks after that, I was in rehab

and I really got it in the face. And this was I was one of them. And and coming into that protected environment because at that time back when I got sober in Iceland, we didn't really have much of a program, unfortunately. We had a lot of meetings about people complaining about their car breaking done, or their wife being at bits or their husband being an asshole.

I mean, the steps are something you read in the middle of the meeting when everybody went to the bathroom

and really able to see was dark, dingy rooms. We were allowed to smoke in the meetings. Then with candlelight, you slept maybe for half of the meeting. This was perfect. I mean, this was it. And this was, we went to as many meetings as we could and then obviously straight down to the Cafe, drinking coffee like this, dress like this, and not really having any solution. And the whole got bigger and bigger and bigger and I didn't know why. So I figured I found out.

I know looking at me today it doesn't look that way but I used to be in athletics

but but when my whole started getting bigger I figured OK first I tried to put women into the hole. Didn't really work. More problems came out of that

I try to put stuff. So I bought a new a new mobile phone or or or or a CD or whatever I could. New, new computer. It worked sort of while I was setting up this stuff

and then the problem was there again. So I would just start to put a candy in the hole and it works up to a point. But, but really, I mean the, the godlessness, the lack of conscious contact with my higher power. That was, as I found out much, much later, my problem. But for, I think it was three, 3 1/2 years, my sobriety, if you want to call it a sobriety, was going to lots of meetings,

eating lots of candy

and really feeling worse and worse.

And fortunately for me, when I was about the like, I say three, 3 1/2 years sober, a couple of guys, one who had been living in in Seattle, WA, I've been part of a group there which had a quite strict set of work in the program and having a sponsor doing the actual work that says in the book, I mean, like I said, the book was something you read in rehab to fall asleep. I mean, that was my understanding of the book. So, so

he, they started step meetings and there was a really a big awakening in Iceland at this point. This was in 97 I think. And all of a sudden we were four of us living together, all sober. So there was a couple and then me and, and the guy that we were renting together and the girl

starting going to these step meetings.

And then all of a sudden she started having this goal. There's really this look and rise that that she was feeling good. We were just bitching, her moaning and she she was in a relationship with a guy who was, he can be a bit selfish, let's put it that way. And, and, and her way of dealing with it was instead of confronting him was going into the bathroom, biting into a towel and screaming. But all of a sudden there were no more teeth marks on the towels.

She had something that we wanted. We we really struggled with going there. We really struggled with with, with going what you did. But in the end,

that's what all of us did. We went, found a sponsor, and I had a problem reading The Big I Dreaded while I was in rehab. I'd read it now and then, but it took a dyslexic man to read it to me for me to understand it. I mean, that's my sponsor is dyslexic, and talking to him at MSN is a complete constant source of jokes and fun. But but it took that for me, another person

who'd read the book worked steps for me to understand what a A was about.

And I've been in what I thought was a A for 3 1/2 years. So I went into really hard work there because I was my desperation was quite bad at that point because I hadn't had any solution for my problem for over three years other than candy. And candy doesn't work as well as alcohol. So my, my, my fear and my anxiety and the whole was sort of getting outside my body, even though the body was quite big at the candy, but but really

work the steps quite urgently. Had a really a sense of, of, of desperation about me.

So I went through it. I worked the steps quite thoroughly, did my list and went and I finished my nine steps. So I did all, the, all the nine steps on my list and I figured, that's it. I'm done.

Doesn't really work that way.

So

having been quite active in sponsoring, really

struggling to find people to finish making up all my amends, I had a such a tremendous sense of relief when I, when I said this strike out the the last name on the list that I figured now was the time to rest a little bit on the laurels. So to go to laurels, but

it doesn't like I said, it doesn't really work for me. And I really, if you're new, I don't recommend it. Just take my experience for it. Just keep working. It's much, much easier because at that time I had a, a, a girlfriend that was living with, I had a, had a son and everything. I had a nice job. I had worked all my nine steps. Everything should have been quite nice, but

in probably a year and a half, maybe two years at most, I got to the point

7 1/2 years sober, having worked the steps, having finished my Nightstep list, and I was more desperate, more miserable, more anxious, and my life was so much worse off than I've been ever drinking.

That's why they say it's a one day at a time program. That's my understanding of it is because what I do today doesn't mean anything for me tomorrow, so I have to keep working it.

But at that point people drink away their families. But obviously I was quite young when I came into a A, so I didn't have the opportunity to do that. So I decided to be sober away my family.

So we, we, we split up.

I, I lost my family, I lost living with my son because of my alcoholism. And it took me a while to realize that so

moved out of the moved out of the apartment, the relationship gone, obviously feeling quite sorry for myself. And this really rewarded a big bag of candy every night.

But fortunately for me, my God, my higher power as I understand him, has a sense of humor and, and really just tolerates my, my, my part of my friends, my bullshit for only a short while. Because at that point I've been, like I said, sober 7/7 and 1/2 years, something like that.

And my sponsor lived three houses down for me in the same St. Obviously I'm from Iceland so that's not really rare, but still.

I hadn't seen him for over a year, probably a year and a half,

333 houses away. Really literally haven't seen him at all. Stitch is moved. I lived in a loft apartment with low ceiling, so it could be really miserable. It was excellent. I could really low within wallow in myself pity and and and sort of middle way between our houses. On the other side, there's a candy shop which I frequented quite a lot.

And at one, one day when I was, I was even playing hooky from work. I was, I was so really

in such a bad way, having worked the program, having been without a drink for over 7 years that I was, I was doing these things like I couldn't get up in the morning to go to work. And there's, there were some alarm bells ringing in my head, but I sedated them with just anything I could.

And then I went to, to get a little bit more candy for my, for my whole. And there was my sponsor. And this was during the, the European Championship of handball team handball for those. And we're both quite big handball enthusiasts. And, and he obviously having sort of seen me around and not done anything with it and said, Hey, hey, how are you doing? Do you want some guys coming over to watch the game? Do you want to come watch the game? And I figured you're OK. I went with him, We sat down, we watched the game, the guys went, I sat behind and we sat until late in the evening and

had a little discussion. By discussion, I mean he yelled at me a little bit and explained to me that really it doesn't work this way. You don't stop working the program. You don't stop if you do that, I can promise you from experience that you can get back all the all the bullshit that you lost working the program if you just try it. No, don't try it really. But but really, that's, that's how it works for me anyway, is that if I don't

maintain my conscious content with my higher power, if I don't do my prayer meditation, if I don't pay back,

if we don't do things like I'm doing tonight, try to pay a little bit back of the debt that I owe to AAA. So so I did made-up this. So he made me again a little bit earlier, made me do this stupid rule where if AI asked me anything, I can't say no. That's why I'm here.

And really, I mean, we sat down, we had a talk, I started sponsoring again, I started doing my work again. And fortunately for me, since then, I've been able to maintain

H Obviously, I'm not perfect, even though I look at no, I mean really I've been trying, I've been been able to maintain my sobriety to a point where where I'm, I'm comfortable in my shell and, and I'm, I'm happy with where I'm at. I have a, a, a new girlfriend now or fiance really. We have, I have two new kids. I have three kids. I've got a wonderful job that allows me to go around and meet a, a people in the world. I'm working a little bit in Stockholm, a little in Iceland. I've been working in Dubai and Germany and England,

in Ireland, Canada, the States. It's, it's absolutely. I love my job. It's a fun job. It pays quite nicely and I get to see the world and, and, and sample a a around the world. It it's, I could not be in a better place, unfortunately, because I try to work on maintaining the, the contact with my higher power. The way it is my, my threshold for, for, for my stupidity is getting smaller and smaller. So, so when I, when I start doing these stupid things where I'm really too busy to go to the meeting or I'm really too busy to, to

do this, I can do it for fewer days in a row now, fortunately. So. So there is growth in a A and there's, there's still room for improvement. The room from development, fortunately.

But but really, I mean, I cannot stress this enough. For me, the, the whole point of my a a life now is paying back. I've gotten so much out of a a. I've gotten so much out of these people that really bothered sitting down with me and and and so I can never pay them back fully.

But I keep trying and I keep working on it.

I know I was supposed to pick for about 45 minutes. I really, I have no idea what I'm going to say for the next 30 minutes, but no, really, I mean

for me this is so simple.

It is. It is a case of

finding a sponsor,

doing the steps,

making sure the sponsor has done the steps before.

That's a mistake. A lot of people do.

Find someone who has that look in their eyes, who has that gleam in their eyes. They do you want or, or I mean, if you're looking for a sponsor, go to the meetings, see someone who has something you want, ask them what did you do? And I'm sure in 99.9% of the time they're going to tell you what they did and they're going to lead you through it. That is what our fellowship is about. That is what what we have here and that is our collective debt to those guys

who actually to God to put those guys together 75 years ago, but still to those guys who stuck it through and then the people have been before us. It's

there is no other way of looking at it for me anyway, is that I know I have friends who I drank with

or actually they're not life anymore. So I've had friends that I drank with who had the same problem with alcohol as me, who didn't get the solution, who didn't get sober, who killed themselves

or died. One of them died driving into a lamppost at 180 kilometers an hour, dead drunk.

Fortunately, me again. My higher power doesn't really tolerate much of idiocy for me. So I've, I've driven a car a total of three times drunk and I've lost my license twice.

But, but, but that's the way it is. That's, that's, that's the way I, I, because I constantly every day ask my higher power to please be in the driver's seat. I did that before I came up tonight. I asked. Please allow me to to step back and not be in the way of what what needs to be said here because I don't have any truth that you guys don't have.

I there's nothing special about me having been here for a few years. It all has to do with the program that we have and the higher power that it connects us to.

I don't know, I feel a little bit spoken out.

I I apologize if this was short, but I hope it was wasn't too bad. Thank you very very much for allowing me to share her.