The topic "Not Resting On Our Laurels" at the EURYPAA Convention in Stockholm, Sweden

Hello everybody, welcome to this Not resting on our Lord Session of Europe. My name is John and I'm an alcoholic from New Ireland.

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with two speakers, Max and George

and Matt. Just want to share. No, please. OK. Hello everybody. I'm an alcoholic. My name is Max

Nice to meet you all. Good to be here. And I'm I'm glad I'm sober today and and

OK, this topic

not resting on on our laws. I took a little bit about my experience about doing that and not doing that because I have done both.

My surprise date is somewhere after Easter 91. I came to a about 20 years ago. So I've been sober for 19 years and the first couple of years I worked very hard with my sorry. I went to a lot of meetings doing. I was scared to go back to drinking again and that was good for me.

Then I started to feel a little safe. You know, I got married and I everything was safe. I had a job and money came in and,

and suddenly I started to go to not so many meetings, maybe one, one meeting a week or so and

things start to happen to me. And what happened was I, I was starting to get more irritated on people.

I, I, I started to get annoyed by what they were doing, saying or not doing, saying. I, I was thinking very bad things in my head about people. I didn't say it out loud, but in my head.

And I started to get obsessed with other stuff like computers or, or computer games or, or stuff like that. And

I didn't drink, I didn't think of alcohol, but I didn't feel good. I, I, I, I, I felt angry. I felt alone a lot of time and I didn't talk about it. I kind of lost my honesty

against myself and against others

and I didn't see it.

And this was going on for a couple of years and, and, and suddenly I started to feel bad and I get got depressed and I, I didn't know why, I didn't know what was wrong, but I, I started to go to more meetings. I started to pick up the program again and, and, and then then I realized

I lost the program. I lost my program and I can't afford to do that. It's a high price. I didn't have to drink, but but it was if I had continued like that for for a long time,

I'm very sure I would have gone out drinking.

So so then I picked up the program again. I got it, got myself a new sponsor and started to work the steps all over again. And things changed. Suddenly I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel angry. I I felt

that was seen in my recovery again and and this learned me that I have to do this every day every day. I can't afford to, to, to

play back in and think it's, it's over. And sometimes it's, it's, it's easy to think that when I if you have been sober for many, many years, it's, it's, it's easy to think that, wow, now it's over. I'm home free. And so, but it's not the truth. It's the disease is just waiting for me to do mistakes and I can't afford it. I have to work everyday on my recovery to to to keep what I where where I've got and and and today I tried and it's very important to me to

to leave this program day by day. It's not only about the Sprite, it's about working the program and living the principles in the program every day

as as as much as I can

and praise God every morning to to be over and thank him every, every night being sober to remind me every day that I got this season. I have to work with it 'cause otherwise I I, even if I don't drink, I want to feel good.

I want to feel good, I want to enjoy life. I want to have a good life.

So

and appearance. I don't go to my meetings. I, I now I've been out in my boat sailing. I love that for a couple of weeks and and there's no meetings out there. So then I have to, to do other stuff. I have to read books, I have to talk to to friends.

I'm a convention junkie. I love conventions. I went to to the world convention now in in in San Antonio. It was amazing. 55,000 people. It's hard to to feel alone when you're sitting in the 5500 thousand other Alcoholics.

And I

feel very important to come here to this convention because like, that's like a boost to me when I haven't been to so many meetings and, and to keep this, my spirituality fresh on a daily basis to do, do good stuff and, and to take a look at myself and, and then ask myself every evening if I had done anything wrong, if I have to

make amends or, or, or do anything different to the next day,

stuff like that.

And that's important to me today to do on a, on a regular basis. So it's very much one, one day at a time program. I mean, more and more,

you know what's happened, It's history, it's gone, it's today. It's the only thing that counts. And also to to work on my gratitude

to to look at things I have instead of the things I does I don't have

and talk about that.

And we share a lot.

That gives me the feeling of gratitude. Also feel grateful for what I have.

I've been through a lot of of difficult parents in my society. I'm luckily divorced now and

a lot of sad things that happened too, but, but I didn't have to drink because it's sometimes it's easier for me to, to, to, to work on my recovery when, when I have difficult times in my life, because then I really

go to a lot of meat and salary really talk a lot about it. And,

but when, when life is just floating around and it feels normal and then it's more dangerous for me. I think to, to, to, to, because then I sometimes forget I'm an alcoholic and I, I need to remind myself. I got a very short memory. Sometimes I forgot Alcoholics. It's amazing. So I need this to be reminded. I need to go to meetings. I need to to identify with you,

focus on what what, what I feel in common with you all the time and

and participate in meetings.

That's important to me.

So,

So bottom line, I can't afford to lay back and arrest too long because

price is too high

and I really don't have so much more to say. So I thank you

and I will hand you over to George.

My name is George. I'm an alcoholic and I come from high yard. Great. It's it's it's great to be here. My, my higher power has a wonderful sense of humor. I can tell you

I got the e-mail from Jay and you know, it's it's kind of

being asked to share on letting up on your spiritual program of action. You know, my ego would have me on on the insisting on me joining life panel or the the faith in action that here I am. I have experience on this matter. I can tell you. So it's it's good to be here. I just take a little bit. I mean this is probably most valuable possession I own to the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's it says it's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laws. We are headed

trouble if we do for alcohol is a subfold we are not cured of alcoholism that we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. So it's it's kind of it comes after the temp step promises, which for me that the maintenance of my spiritual condition is is me working steps 10/11/12

and you know it is it carries on to say every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. How can I best serve thee?

Thy will, not mine. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. I mean, constantly implies to me that I'm always taking my will back. You know, I'm always wanting to do things my way. I, I came from a, a very strong Home group with strong, strong line of sponsorship where I would find my sponsor up in early days and say, oh, David, you know,

my money hasn't come through from the government. And it, it just say things like stick it on your gratitude list. You know, I'd say I stolen this from me. Pray for him, You know, all of these. And, and what it really gave me was a set of spiritual tools that I was able to live with day by day.

And you know, I, if I just explain why I got up this morning, hit my knees, said the principles of of the step three and the step 7 prayer, another prayer in there also. And

then, you know, I get up, I review my gratitude list, which I wrote the night before, and there's things on there that I'm, I'm not grateful for, you know, people that annoy me. They go on there and, and then I, I, we have this just for today card, which is lots of things to do really, you know, do something for someone else and not get found out. I mean, that's just painful for me sometimes. I just want to let you know how great I am and what I've done. And

it's Yeah, yeah, lots of things to do. And, and in this book as well, I, I, you know, I found there's nothing to learn. It's

for me, it's just lots of things to do.

So after that, I had some quiet time, you know, and just sat down a bit of quiet meditation. I got some guidance on that from my sponsor or United says in here your your rabbi or your minister can give you advice on, on books and things like that. And then, yeah,

red's about 5 pages in this book. You know, when I go to bed tonight, I will. What? Already done Some inventory today, you know, spot check. And when I go back to bed tonight, I will,

you know, write some more inventory. I will ask myself the the questions in here. You know, where was I resentful, dishonest to have a harmed

and then spend 10 minutes of quiet time. You know, I do my prayers thanking God for

sober day and I've done that every single day for the last four 4 1/2 years.

Not I tell you, there's days when I just didn't want to do it, you know, but I've just done it regardless of how I I felt or what I've thought. And when I went to Germany, I, I came from this Home group and I, I remember getting to Germany and thinking holiday, you know, no sponsor on my back. There's no one that's going to tell me the truth, you know, and I keep back through for several. I don't need to get involved in service quite just, you know, maybe I just cut back to a couple of meetings a week. And

it was, you know, I remember sitting in a meeting very vividly and I remember thinking that she ain't got a sponsor. I heard him say that last week, you know, and if I, you look like you, I drink too, you know, and this, this judgement machine just started up and oh, man, it started getting very painful, you know, And another suggestion from my sponsor was to phone a couple of people in the fellowship each day and ask them how they are not talk about myself,

you know, I'm not. Phone him up and go, boy, you think that's bad?

Kind of just get out of self in that way. And what's been important for me is what I do outside of here for the other 23 hours that I'm not in a meeting. You know, I'm, I'm excellent at talking the talk, it's walking, the walk. That's is the important thing, you know, and, and I find toilets a very spiritual place. I often do a lot of praying in them and you know, little things like trying to clear them up when I'm on in there or opening doors for people, these little things that I just wouldn't think about normally.

It's it's been a wonderful way to live. And I can always gauge my spiritual condition by the size of my girlfriends ass. You know, there's always the way, it never changes. But my perception does, you know, and it's like that, it's always like that, you know, when and we had a Icelandic guy come to the group and he says, yeah, I know I, I need to get to a meeting when I'm surrounded by assholes, you know, and it's like, it's like that with me. It's, it's a matter everything for me is a matter of perception.

You know, the way we're not when and my perception changes, the world changes. And the only way that I've, you know, alcohol stopped working for me. So the only other way that I have managed to change my perception and, and afford some ease and comfort is is through working these, these daily suggestions, you know, getting involved in my Home group and doing things I don't really want to do. It cuts against the grain really for me to go out of my lump just pathologically self-centered. And you know, I was

guided that would steal your money and help you look for it,

kind of pay for train tickets or lift these principles in my life is

it just takes a lot of other people's ideas. You know, I can tell you credit for none of anything that I have in my life. Anything of value is, is a direct result of of AI and the power that I have found through through the process of the 12 steps in maintaining those through the rest of the steps.

It's a privilege to be of service in a A and be afforded the opportunity to speak and give back. It's a privilege to be able to sponsor people in a A

at the end of my drinking, I thought I would give these 12 steps ago. If they don't work, I will shoot myself. I had the the the cartridge there. I was gonna do a hammer in the nail. I had it all planned out and

man, I've just been given a life that is wonderful. I was sharing, you know, my life is so good at times. It's should have background music. I just love it, you know, and it's

I've, I've not thought about, about seriously considered taking drinking the last 4 1/2 years. The thought has not crossed my mind. I, I mean, my, the way my alcoholism presents itself is that, you know, we talk about principles before personalities at the end. And there's only really one personality that's going to kill me and that's mine, you know, I will judge myself out. I don't like that group. I don't like those people. I don't like this, you know, and unless I put those

principles into action in my life, I'm not going to stay unless I find I have found what I saw in in alcohol through the through a A and unless I continue to have that, I'm not going to stay. You know, I, I went to a A for three, three years, sat in meetings. I would share and you know, all my problems. And if I got a hug at the end, I knew it was a good share. You know, it was one of those

painful existence and it just,

you know, things did change. They got progressively worse for me. You know, I just, I was just painful to be around to everyone around me, you know, And it's not like that today. It's not like that. And I like I say, I can take no credit for this whatsoever. All I do. I'm just a dumb drunk that has been, you know, shown a way out and that has had enough

persistency and consistency to be able to maintain

this way of living in my life. You know, when I stop doing this, it won't manifest itself in, you know, I really want to drink. It's kind of, you know, I go out, people ask me how I am, and I think, why? What have you heard? You know, people are laughing and they're laughing at me. You know, it's this sort of malady that gets so uncomfortable that if you felt like this, you would drink too. You know, with.

Luckily I don't. I haven't been shown a solution to all of that.

And it's yeah,

it's wonderful to be here and think I will leave it there and listen to those more informed than myself. Thanks George.

Our mission is now open for sharing. In order to give everyone the chance, we ask that you limit your share to three minutes. Could you please come to the front to share and who would like to begin?

Oh, hi, my name is Helen. I'm an alcoholic.

Thanks for your shares. And I just wanted to tell you guys that last week my sponsor told me that I'm starting to to rest of all my laurels. And yeah, that's it. Thank you.

Hi, my name is Michael, I'm alcoholic, I'm from Copenhagen, Denmark. And

thank you so much for your shares, both of you and very, very inspiring. I,

I need to come up here because it's good for me. That's one of the reasons I do. And also I also need to say out loud a little bit, I am postponing my second fourth step a little bit too long now. And I am definitely

my laws because I'm having such a great time. I was fortunate to actually be on the insisting on thing

and it's good for me to say that out loud, as my fellow Home group asshole will remind.

But one of the things that I that I was very touched upon that you said, what's the thing about between the other 23 hours out there? I am also very good at talking to talk and being at meetings. And yes, I know this and I've read the book and I know it and on page this and this, it says so and so and all that stuff. But it's out there in the minefield on the other side of the of the rooms that it's the most important for me to actually be there, to be honest, to be helpful, to be fair and square and and say

very sorry for the people on whose toes I step, which I happen to do once in a while. I do wear quite a big shoe. So thank you very much and thank you.

Hi, I'm Christian, I'm an alcoholic.

I just want to say this is an important topic for me because

scares me to get complacent.

This program, I've had a lot of free glasses, more than I like to think about. And

it all comes down to sort of I come in the rooms and I guide be sort of full of the, the spirit of the program and full of the sort of the novelty of being sober and feeling physically good. And I would start to sort of sort of a shrink away to the sides of the room and I would stop like participating and stop

doing jobs and,

and I would end up drinking again. And I did this time and time again. And the last time

I was just so, so despondent and I hated myself and I just, I was so miserable and I really just didn't want to live anymore. And I got sober and there was no pink cloud at all. But one thing I did know is that I did not want to drink again. I was petrified to drink again. And so when the time came, the usual time, I don't know, six months, nine months, a year,

when I started to feel those feelings, like some resentments, like, why do I have to be here? I got scared. I got scared shitless. And So what I, what I did was I, I kept on going, you know, I sat with what I was feeling. And that was, that was where I had always sort of jumped up, jumped ship before. And I came to find out, I didn't really know this at the time, but I came to find out. It was just, it was like the idea, the notion of working the steps and facing myself

because I was, I was petrified of that. You know, I spent years and years and years sort of sort of progressing the denial that I that was needed to like facilitate my drinking. You know, I had to lie to myself. I delight everybody around me and, and I was not responsible for the things that was happening around me, you know, and that had to be faced and I had to take in the whole picture. And I did that.

I don't know how or why, but I just kept coming in the meetings

and the only thing I can say about it is I sat with it. I sat with it and I literally thought

it was going to kill me, you know, because it was just so scary. You know, a fear is like what drives my engine. It always has. And I sat with it and I sat with it and eventually, you know, I I prayed, I prayed in the fetal position sometimes. I kept going to meetings, I kept talking and I kept up with my job and eventually I felt a little better and I felt a lot better. And I never let that go. I never let that that the whole picture of

what I had done while I was drinking, who I was, what my shortcomings were, who I affected,

you know, what I did to my own family, I never let that go. And that was so unusual for me. You know, that had happened time and time again. I would just get, I would get creeped out by myself and I would just like jettison the whole thing and I would go back and take my will back. But anyway, I sat with it and as far as I know, that's where I am now. I'm still sitting with it. And a lot of times it's really uncomfortable. But, you know, I'm determined and I'm totally petrified of complacency

in this program. So thank you.

For me, I'll see in Essex from London a little bit further outside. That's a great share from, from, from Matt and George there and really identify me, particularly over the last couple of days for me, because I've been a lot of pain in the last couple of days. And I think he happened the first day here for so ever for the one Lizabee is my first International Convention, you know, went to the men's meeting, shared there on a microphone in front of an audience

going there and, you know, kind of crashing down before we've done, you know, a lot of pain, a lot of fear

actually win with it. You know, didn't want to come out of my hotel room to to come to the convention. You know, I was walking here from the hotel with my my colleague and I just broke down right there. Couldn't stop crying. And I just so, so full of fear, just want to go back to the hotel. And anyway, we went back to the hotel and, you know, then at that point, you know, my, my, my colleagues said to me, So what have you been doing before you came here? So what do you mean enemy? Since we've done,

oh, it's a couple.

Come on, let's get back to the hotel and sit down. I'm going to work through some stuff. And at that point, I realized

and, and and he always cracks up on me, you know, and and I sat there and sat there and and I started to write my resentments, the things that I had problems with, you know, I thought I had now. And we needed space at 10 minutes. I had ten. Yeah. And some of it went back a long time. I haven't dealt with it. Haven't dealt with it at all. You know, life was going on quite much. I don't drink, ignore, you know, and

I don't. But my head was telling me I don't need you guys, I don't need you.

I'm fine, you know, I'm OK. Last day got a job, got home, got flat and healthy.

Now my mommy to like Captain Hope. So we're a little I'm I'm I'm bollocks. I can't function. You know what's happening there, what's going on? You know, and what that made me realize was that, you know, I keep taking back the wheel. I keep saying God, you know, I can tell you how to do this. I don't need you to tell me. You know, in fact, God, you know, this is what you should be doing, the program,

you know? And that's man. That's my head, you know, And then you start looking at, when I look to those fears that I was having, you know, and you lived in the program. It's all about living in the moment, living in the now. Yeah. Working in and out and everything. I was frightened, of course. Projection glasses.

What if that means what I thought I accepted, you know, if I stayed in a room and I feel invisible, you know, and that's happened to me while I've been here. I've stood in a room and felt invisible. But why am I invisible? It's me. It's not you guys. That's about me and how I feel about myself. And that I've learnt a huge lesson in the two days that I've been here. And that is the that is why I just came into the rest of my laurels or something I do. And my colleague said to me, this is the second time this has happened to you,

Said, what are you going to learn what you need to do to say well? And I said, well, perhaps I haven't had enough pain yet.

Perhaps I need to hurt more. So I really get into the habit of doing the things I need to do, you know, and there's so many things that we would share in there, George, you know, the thing about, you know, I don't want to sit highlight looking at my day and working out who I've upset and who I've heard, you know, I don't want to tell myself I don't want to look at myself. You know, I don't want to get up in the morning and have to pray to God. But I know now, you know, and

the first that this while I think this convention, I'm not some of the praising my needs, some of you may go there you go. That's your problem. But for the first time, I got on my knees this morning and play because I was so scared when I said, God, please lift this fear for me because I cannot do this without you. And you know, after we fear for today and I felt fear. But what I've learned is I can't rest on my lawns. I've got to work this program. I've got to work this day and I certainly can't.

And more importantly, I don't need to because I've got.

And when drawing that pin on Michael, I remember that I had a list from my sponsor at home.

And that's what I like in the Storm Home group that you hold the time to go to coming to the meeting and doing the chef, as I heard one speaker once said, he said

what you do,

what you feed through scream so loud that I cannot be able to see. And I love it because I look at the of what we say because we can talk.

Thank you guys for the Shannon. I'm working on the roses who needs a great topic and how I don't get it is that I need to do this. I need to do this this program on a daily basis. Just as I need to process to keep my body go to the shower. I can live without eating showering across my teeth for a couple of days. But I will tell you I will not be depart to be around And I, you can call my wife and ask if I'll be, if I'm found to be around when I'm not doing this program for public because I will be president.

So I need to do this program on a daily basis and I cannot do I cannot eat now for the next 10 days. I cannot do that. I will be hungry tomorrow even tonight. You look like I'm trying to but I will be home tomorrow and I will be still to hungry tomorrow also. So I needed to do it tomorrow. I cannot get I cannot get, you know a lot just by coming here. This is fine for today. It's great being here, but it will not help me to comment tomorrow.

And my experience of resting my roles is that I worked up to the to having a stab list and then doing a cover and maybe 1/3 of my nine steps. And and those of you have been doing nice that you know that it's like, you know, you won't like wait for this and really feels great and it's and then you can put the list in this brawl and rest of your rolls. And so and then I'll do all the list again, do a couple of night steps

for a year. We want to and it hurts a lot

and I also tried to fill the hole with anything, but I forgot is that I forgot that we have a step this close, but 12 because you know I could help the new companies bathroom. Here's a cup of coffee, but being a sponsider, I don't bother and bother to happen is that I began to get bored in a listen to the same guy saying the same things, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah because I was still going to a A to get something.

Now

I told you meetings to give something and from passing deadline in my surprise, it has been enormous because it's just like now I want to go there every Thursday night when our men's meeting meet, it's like yes, it's meeting time because I know that I can go there and I can talk for five. I just need 5 minutes, wanna get a new guy and my dad is, you know, it's complete.

Actually meeting itself is just like oh whatever. I've heard it all before. But the hour before and after is most more important for me because I need to talk to a newcomer once awhile. I love the cell phone.

I mean, my cell phone is a gift from God because I can call somebody when I get fucked up, you know, it's and, and, and for me, you know, to rest is really, really easy because I'm so lazy. And I would love to get this on DVD and just stay at home, but I cannot. And how I live at the moment is has two small children. I wake up 5:30 in the morning, 55555

youngest one crying. So, so I'm not, you know, so spiritual when I wake up

and go down and make over meals and stuff like that. But you know, but but when I get that sometimes and a good day, I wake up and I don't try to push my wife out of the bed, but I do it myself and I do the service of being service for my family and I close to those and my wife can sleep when I take the kids down there.

And that is when our spiritual in the morning. I don't give 1015 minutes in one morning, but I get 3-2 minutes at the car later and there's people we are there when we could. You know, I think we can God meets us where we are at our lives and we do all this. But you know, if if you have a stability finish this year. Thank you.

David

introduced myself yet? Hi, my name is David BM, alcoholic from Utrecht, the Netherlands.

A great topic. I really wanted to come in here because from also what I heard, yeah, that's something that I've

that's been said to me that I've come across and

and that that pattern, that cycle, you know, even that unders that, you know, a great feeling of I've done something. I've done my step three. I've done I've finished my Step 4, presented my step five. You know, I don't know, there's so many moments of like,

you know, sobriety is cool and,

and I came in with a with a lot of pain.

I came in when I was 16, think I was gonna drop out of high school and I didn't see myself living past my teenage years And and I did and I was like, woohoo. I mean, I also encounter a lot of you know, like moments just from life as well and doing college and

and

I I've straw or, you know, try to figure out, you know what, what is this wrestling on laurels business Are you know, like why? I mean, I, I know that when I come in and when I'm, I'm listening and when I've got my hands up in the air and I'm like,

it works, you know, the program works. I'm like, how does one forget that? I mean, those were like really cool moments and

I a lot of times I, I forgot step one, you know, I, I maintain my program, I, I do my step 10 or I don't actually answer all the questions. Sometimes it just sort of, you know, talk to some of the program or think about it or sometimes I just go to sleep, But

you know, I'm sort of doing the the the mechanics going to meetings and and

I forget, you know why, why I'm here from the shares already heard about picking back up that S will and you know, from from what I've done from the my woohoo moments to my very deep moments. I know, I know it doesn't work when, when I, when I do it, but

life gets good. Life gets really good in sobriety. I have had, I've had very stupid dreams and accomplished them, but I, I've had a lot of dreams and, and, and, and I get there and I'm and I'm like, all right,

this is it. And, and maybe I don't need to do all this work anymore. I don't know why I keep thinking like that, but it's something I keep on doing. And

yes, we talked about step 12 and doing 12 step work and I always heard I get more out of it than that I'm putting into it or you know, that my sponsors have said thank you because I get just as much or more out of it. And I was like, I don't know what you think you get out of it, but I'm sure getting out a lot out of it. And, and

to very concretely

say what

having experience at what I get out of full step work is I get the privilege of seeing and that's often what I forget

of applying,

how powerful it is when people make that decision to apply spiritual principles to the lives and their lives not just change, but dramatically. And we talked about that pink cloud and, and, and it's awesome. And it is awesome. And I see that most dramatically with people who are coming in and, and working with them and seeing them suffer, suffer, suffer. And then light goes off and they surrender and they're like, OK, fine, I'll do it. I'll

just tell me. And it's not that hard. And, and their lives dramatically change and they start, you know, they start to make those personality changes and, and it's amazing. And they come back and they're like woo. And I'm like, we'll see how long this lasts, you know, but

and I forget, and that's what I forget when I was talking about step one is I forget that those applying principles that can work just as powerfully in my life. And, and a lot of times I think I've changed enough, my life feels good enough. And, and I stopped applying those spiritual principles in my life so passionately. And, and I guess I'm not so amazed anymore when it starts to slip back down that way. But I've got people around me who, well, they don't throw pins at me, but you know.

Who remind me, you know. And please don't throw pens. Talk to each other

and, and, and I, I love this program. I, I keep coming back. I trying to share my experience, strength and hope and, and I should work more with sponsors And I get a lot out of it and that's what I get out of it. I always heard I get a lot out of it and I was like, what do you get out of it? I don't know if I want that. And it's cool.

That's what keeps me going forwards and keeps my life getting even better. And my life is pretty cool if you want to hear about it.

Hey everyone, I'm Odney and I'm an alcoholic and it's just amazing to be here today and I just love the topic. I thank you guys so much for sharing. I mean, you know, I've, I've, I'm, I think I invented the usage of resting on my laurels because I, I spent a lot of time figuring out how much I can get out of without putting the least amount of effort into things. And I mean, I felt that way. I mean, when I got into AAI was really happy to do everything you guys told me,

only people who wanted to talk to me at the time. So I really wanted to keep you guys happy, you know? So I was like, woo Hoo, I was going to do that. And then I got all spiritual. And remember that first

sobriety when you go out and you talk spiritualism and, you know, you're all like alive and always fire and you go to meetings and tell people how they're supposed to talk at meetings and stuff. And I did that all. And then I had a kid and I was like, yeah, it's it's hard when you have a screaming kid in your arms to like be really spiritual. That's not what you feel like. And, you know, that life happened. I got a kid, I got to the university. I got a really cool boyfriend. So I was like, yeah, I don't need to do that anymore. You know, you guys were really good at the beginning, but I kind of don't need to keep on seeing you.

And I just slowly stopped and I slowly stopped doing 12 step work because I was annoying. Who wants to have an uncommon call you every single day? And you know, sometimes often a day with something that's very trivial. So I just sort of start doing that too, because I was like, yeah, I can't be bothered with it really. And then I started feeling really, really bad. And I mean, when when you were talking about the you got slightly obsessed with computers, my head is off to you. I just got obsessed, you know, permanent. I just got crazy, which is extremely crazy. My head

stop and I thought, OK, yeah, now I'm going to have to go into the hospital because I'm just going crazy. And then I just realized that maybe maybe I should try a a first, you know, because I've been going to meetings. But The thing is like answers were saying, I mean, you know what you do scream so loudly that I can hear what you're saying. And I mean, I can sit at meetings and in my my case, I love being at meetings and they do a lot of good for me. But I mean, I can also sit for a whole week in my garage and I won't become a car, you know,