The Westwood Meeting in Los Angeles, CA

Yeah, Hi everybody. Glad I'm here. I'm

just a little frustrated with y'all's traffic in this area and but I but I got through it. I'm grateful to be here. I, my Alan on Home group is over in Altadena on Saturday mornings at 10:00. And

I have found that little meeting a little over a year ago and I, I felt really safe and

just sort of it, it felt really safe to be there. And I was really, really happy that I could go somewhere and deal with, I don't know if it's OK to have more than one qualifier, but I do have several in my life. And it was really important for me to find that group And I felt great. And I, you know, pretty much let my hair down over there. And then my sponsor started going to the meeting.

It made me a little bit uncomfortable, but we began to work and talk and share. And basically I, My mother qualifies me, First off. And part of the insanity of living in that house

has carried over into other aspects of my life many years later. And I have been able to work out issues in other areas through other means.

But as time has gone on and I've gotten older, I can clearly see that I still need help. And the kind of help that this program provides is exactly where I need to be. I about two years ago, I was working with a gentleman or a person who is an alcoholic and that person was sober and that person had relapsed. And I remember the day, it was a Wednesday morning. It was a Wednesday

when he relapsed. And then Thursday morning, I was up at my apartment and I had gone over to the store. And when I came out of the store, I couldn't remember where I parked in my car because I was so depressed and withdrawn and out of my mind about that relapse. And,

and, and that's when I had to accept that, that I needed al Anon because

I, I, I have been dealing with Alcoholics for, for over 20 years.

But at that moment, I have a surrender experience that not only could I not control that relapse, but it, it really hurt. And through my mother's behavior and all of the insanity in the area where I grew up, I'm from South Central Los Angeles. And just personally, letting that relapse inside of me really, really showed me that

powerlessness is very painful

without other stuff to help. And I was really in a lot of pain and I came out of that store and I was just like totally lost

where where my car was. And cause the person that had gone out, that person that would help me with stuff like that and, and, and do little things. And, you know, and it was just bizarre that here I am, you know, a 43 year old man and I'm depressed and I'm sad and I'm literally crying and I'm holding in this pain and I'm not telling anyone.

And and that morning it, it just the House of Cards just collapsed. And I knew that I was in trouble emotionally and my other resources were not helping me at that time. And but since then, I've, I've tried to have

the do's and don'ts, you know, I, I tried to apply that stuff and it's really, really frustrating sometimes because we, it's like we live in a drinking society and, and to be able to personalize my own health in regards to dealing with this insanity.

I don't know, I got here addicted to denial.

And I could always just go, oh, that's not as pathetic as it seems, you know, or clean it up and straighten it out and make it not look as though it really is pathetically ill. You know, I remember one time when my mother passed out in the hallway and I had friends over, Listen, we were kids, and she just passed out like, she had a blackout or something, I guess. And just sort of kind of like stepping over her and telling my friends, oh, you know, that's OK.

We're this, we go through this all the time here.

It's not that really. And just to have that up and you know, that kind of denial still go on many years later, long after my mom has made some changes in her personal life. It really, but I know this is like a parent family type group here. And personally, I just, I, I deal with my sisters now. I have four sisters

and I deal with them over the phone a lot because they live

too far for me to drive all the time. And I'm just sort of now, with the help of the Al Anon principals, I'm just really sort of now seeing how sick

our family was. And we just put up this front. I, I do, I've, I've done community theater and, and all this stuff. And I just, it was such a game to live in the fashion of my family's phoniness

and not really be honest about how

we needed some help.

And alcoholism was running everybody's life and nobody really wanted to be real or honest about it. And,

and now years later, it's like it's real easy for me to pretend as though that

that everything is fine. You know, you're not about to go kill yourself. You're just struggling. Here. Let me help you

and you know, with an alcoholic doesn't find recovery. They sort of drink and kill themselves and but when I don't work in Al Anon program, I sort of help you to death and

and and I'm really willing to take responsibility for that by way of working the program. My my friend here we've had some dialogue together. I don't want to blow her anonymity or anything. Her qualifier and I remember one day I was on the phone with her and we were talking and

she mentioned something that shut me down. And I'm a Capricorn too. I love to talk. And, and I raised my voice a little bit and she said, well, my sponsor told me to do this. And then I had to shut up, you know, because to me, I think that's more powerful than just being able to complain or, or debate about what an alcoholic or an addict's going to do. It's more important for me to take direction, to take care of myself

so I don't wind up just as crazy as some person that's willing to drink themselves to death

or not, You know? I mean, some people sober up, but they don't recover up into the steps. Which leads me to this one little paragraph I wanted to read out of one of our books. And it just basically says Al Anon has but one purpose to help families of Alcoholics. We do this by practicing 12 steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of Alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

And a lot of times

with the Alcoholics that I deal with today, it doesn't seem as though assertiveness

can be looked upon as encouragement and being assertive with people. In other words, I've been learning how to help my, my qualifiers identify with what they need and be able to help with needs instead of running around constantly trying to please you with what you want.

And I'm here to share that there's a big difference between what someone needs and what they want. And you know how Alcoholics can be when it comes to wants. I mean, some of that stuff is just, it's crazy. And So what I've learned in in my little Home group is more about helping with what people really need and what I can really help with, you know, and

what happened after going to this meeting and working with my sponsor, What I've been able to do in this program is be a little bit more compassionate and be a little bit more

dependent upon whether an alcoholic is going to stay sober or not.

And I know that may seem kind of morbid, but I really cannot base my life on whether or not you're going to get being stay clean and sober.

And it's really taken some huge steps for him to really like, internalize that. And that morning when I walked out of that store, that was the beginning of it, you know, by opening up and admitting that that's how,

that's how, that's how dependent I had become on somebody else rather than taking responsibility for my own stuff and what I need to be dealing with,

especially in regards tonight, the embarrassing things like pain. And, and I'm not talking about physical pain. I'm sure you all know that. I mean like that internal kind of discomfort that I don't want to talk about,

being able to not be so worried about 'cause it's like there's two types of prayer in recovery. There's when you pray on someone to find out how wrong they are

or when you get, you know, when you go, when I when I go to my maker and ask for that understanding, you know, the prayer that that keeps me from trying to play God. And it's really a challenge for me. This is not easy stuff for me because there we I come from a huge family and we have a lot of smoke and mirrors. And here recently and I'll start wrapping up.

I don't want to break any traditions or anything, but there had been a, a popular person and my childhood had passed away recently as a result of

untreated addiction in I was able to watch a lot of this stuff and I started personalizing it because it reminded me of my all the greatness and the beauty and the love and the prayers. And yet this person died in two feet of water

because of, you know, the sickness. And it was scary to kind of really see a reflection of my own history and all of that, you know,

and the insanity of like, oh, no, it's OK. We, we always, we always deal with this, you know, And then to know that best friends and whatnot where they're drinking and helping and loving up until that very evening.

And of course that person is not here to tell her story. But I'm just saying it's like it was fright. It was kind of scary. It touched some stuff inside of me that I know I, I was lying about when I was growing up in this environment. And my point is just that when I was watching all that stuff, it just kind of

help me be more grateful for the honesty. That really is an Al Anon and the Al Anon principles. One of the Al Anon principles that we talk about in our Home group is learn more about alcoholism.

And I don't just mean, you know, be able to gossip more about someone that's making you angry, but like to really kind of have that understanding that this is really a sickness and that I can't control it. And and it's not my fault. You know, one of my things that my sponsor says is you're not responsible for how your mom turned out. You know, and I really,

I really need to hear that because I was the guy out of all the siblings, I was the one that had to make sure that

we were able to go to the store and do all these things to not make us look as pathetic as we probably really were all in love, you know, and it's just, I don't know, I love the fact that when I came to that first meeting that morning, there was a gal there who led and she was also turned out to be our secretary. And once I was able to say my name and

listen,

I knew I had found a place

to not really come here. And like, like when you guys, I like when they say it's like,

yeah, you know, when you're not here to fix the qualifier, you're here for yourself, you're here for your own stuff. That kind of rubbed me the wrong way a little bit because I was going to come here and sort her stuff out, basically. And what I found out is that, you know, I really need to deal with my own staff and really need to do the inventory work and really make see, 'cause I thought change just meant that you would eventually have a different point of view,

which is cool. But change to me is also to like amend my behavior.

In other words, they can't, I'm sorry, the constitution, it has to be changed. They change the language when they amend it. And I'm really grateful that the amends process for me has really shown that I can be more loving and I can be more understanding and I don't have to be so damn pissed off because you won't like see how I think you should really see it and stuff like that. It's this is this is hard work. If you're new, I don't want to scare you. I

let you know that we're here to help you and you don't have to be alone and you don't have to be comfortable and you don't have to be right.

But you can be identified with and we can, you know, show you how to help other people to hear. And I just wanted to read that little paragraph because I like the way it says that we do this by participating

with the steps. And for so many months, I didn't want to use the steps. I just wanted to use my mouth and just express myself.

And eventually, you know, we have to do that. You have to, we have, I have to do the writing and I have to write down these fears

and write down this history and, and, and and read it to my sponsor and, and, and work the rest of the steps and look at look, look at my defects, how my defect when you keep getting drunk, you know, and, and, and the steps should answer that for me.

Or when you're and then you, I talked to you a few letters or emails ago and you know, even though things aren't the way I would really want them, you were able to show me like,

sure beats drowning and two foot of water,

you know? In other words, maybe there is still hope. Where there's breath, there's hope, you know?

And I love this stuff, though. I, I'm, I'm no longer addicted to denial, you know, I still struggle with it, but I'm not obsessed with making sure that everybody knows that it's really better than it really looks. You know,

I'm not really interested in that. And it really is uncomfortable because a lot of people don't like the truth about stuff, especially if it's not going to feel good.

But being able to walk through that with the help that I get in these rooms is more important than than sitting around being right about stuff and being alone. It's horrible when I'm right and I'm all alone

and the writer I get the lonelier. I am just nobody around.

I love the program. I know I've probably talked too long. I, I feel the warmth in your group just by sitting here. I, I, I want to, I just want to encourage new people

to like

participate, you know, use that 10 minutes, you know, even if it's just to say I don't agree with anything that guy said just to kind of break, you know, breakthrough the the barrier of nobody knows that, you know, that's, that was my theme song. You know, nobody knows

and and and and now coming here, people do know not all the answers,

but like where, where to go with the problem.

And that's important,

you know, having a primary purpose. There are so many people in life that don't know what their purpose is. You know, I'm, I'm driving behind these people. It's like, I clearly know that you don't want to go where you're trying to go. Look at you, you know,

so and I have to go, you know, get back in your, you know, you're in this car

and it's just, you can look at people you think you don't want to go where you're going. Look how you're driving.

I, I just I, I, I. Thank you for letting me come here.

I thank you for letting me share, and I really want to encourage new people, like I said earlier, to dive right in as quick as possible. Thanks a lot.