Big Book workshop in Conyers, GA

OK, so we want to talk about working and playing well with others because that's something that as Alcoholics, we I think we struggle with, you know, and again, like, you know, these are these go back to the principles and the things that we find in the lost chapters and taking the information that, you know, we got when we did our inventories. You know, when it says that you perhaps there was a better way, what is that? You know, and the one of the things that

I found with people that I work with is like they know what a better way, like the words, they know

the catch phrases, you know, love intolerance is our code. You know, perhaps, you know, they know these things, but they don't really know what love and tolerance looks like.

And again, you know, Alcoholics were very visual people. And I think that, you know, more than anything else,

we learned by other people's example, when we see what the spiritual principles look like when they're in action in other people's lives. And then again, that's why sponsorships is so incredibly important, why it's so incredibly important to have people in your life who are doing the deal, you know, and have that, you know, creating that fellowship that we crave. Because, you know, we watch other people deal with or go through things or apply these principles in certain circumstances and we can extrapolate and apply them to ourselves,

you know, But I mean, one of the things that I, I really, I have run into in all of these years are people like, like I said, as they know what the right thing is to say, they know what to write on the paper, but they don't know what that, what these principles look like. And what does it look like to be patient and tolerant? What does it look like to have compassion? What does it look like to be unselfish? What does it look like to be honest? You know what, what are these? What are these things look like in our lives and in our relationships?

I mean,

I mean, there, I mean, the one of the one of one of the baffling and bizarre things about alcoholism, an untreated alcoholism is half the time when we're being dishonest, we're not even aware of it, you know, So I mean, like, I don't know how many times they an absolute and utter lie came out of my mouth. And it was like only later I was like, that so wasn't true. What the hell did I say that? And so like, you know, I mean, but the outright, you know, lie of Commission, you know, is relatively easy for us

recognized. But what about the lies of omission? And one of the things that that that my sponsor definitely had me work with was emotional honesty. You know, I've been talking a lot about this weekend about how our feelings are not facts, that I might feel something, but it doesn't make that a reality. And the difference between and really what we're talking about, the difference between objective and subjective truth, you know, the objective truth being the overall truth with a capital T and subject subject of truth being our own personal truths.

And there can be things that are overall overreaching principles that are common things that we share as part of our personal realities. And they can still be a part of the objective truth. But our subjective truth are our personal experiences,

and we experience the object of truth with a capital T through the filter of our personal experiences being our subject of truth. So when I'm communicating with somebody or somebody's communicating with me,

we're communicating in terms of our personal filters or our subjective truths, you know, so and as something as actually D'amelo love D'amelo D'amelo talks about this, you know, the ominous urine ass concept, which I love to work with,

but also this idea if, you know, somebody walked up to me and said I had blonde hair, right? I would say to, I would think to myself, I'm like no Auburn, you know, like I, I guess, I guess this person is color blind or maybe this person has a different label for blonde than I do, But I wouldn't be offended by it because I know it not to be true.

And somebody comes up to me and says you're stupid and fat. Stupid I probably wouldn't be offended by, but fat I totally would be, you know, because there's some part of me that fears that that might be true or believes on some level that it's possible that's true. No, objectively, I know that that's not true, but subjectively I do.

Or I believe that it's possible that it's true, and then I get offended and I take ownership of that because my personal filter is agreeing with theirs. You understand what I'm saying? So part of how we learn to work and play well with others is to identify our personal filters, our worldview that colors our perspective so that we can recognize when that filter is

coloring our objective truth.

You understand what I'm talking about. So like

I was going to say is, is, is the, the, the process that we told you I was smart by the way, the process that we go through in the in the steps. And, and you know, we talked a lot about this this weekend and we talking about it outside in different ways to go through this and everything like that.

And, you know, I, I believe brand new guy, you know, rocking him through use the book, do the deal. But if we, if we've got this spiritual experience kind of behind us and we've recovered from alcoholism, we can start playing with the stuff that that this book teaches us and kind of tweaking it a little bit to suit what goes on in our lives. And, and that's part of the reason that I really like. I don't know how you guys do your fear inventory down here, but my four, my four column fear inventory isn't technically

specifically directed in the book. It's in there and you can kind of manipulate it a little bit, but it but it's there. No, it's not. It doesn't tell you to to write the thing. It asks you the question. But what I've done is I've changed the words around and part of the reason for that

is I want to see what it looks like in my life, you know, why these things are going down. How do I set the ball rolling? Okay, it doesn't say, it doesn't ask me that question in the book. But if I ask myself that question, I can look at what it looks like to be in fear. What it how does it manifest in my day? Because fear is a kind of almost intangible thing. It's something that's twirling around in your head. But what do I do? What are the actions I take? And then there's the line after that it says, you know,

perhaps there is a better way. Well, what perhaps is a better way? And I tell every single one of my sponsors, and I do this myself, is you cannot put the words trust God in that column because that's a given. It's a given. It's a cop out. What does it look like to trust God in this scenario? What do I do in my daily life that shows that I'm trusting God? So one of the things that I work with and one of the things that I've had people do over the years is taking page 52. Everybody knows about taking 50

writing on your bedevilments, right? You take a look at all the bedevilments and you write where they're manifesting or if they're manifesting in your life. But what if you took all the bedevilments? You wrote where they're manifesting in your life, and then you created a vision of what your life would look like if you weren't doing that. So I'm having trouble with my personal relationships. I write where I'm having trouble with my personal, personal relationships very specifically. So then I go into meditation and I ask God, God, what would it look like if Carrie wasn't having trouble in her personal relationships?

And then I write that vision of what the opposite of that the devilment is specifically based on what I wrote on how it's manifesting. So say I say I'm having trouble with coworkers, like I'm, I'm a snark and a gossip, right? Try very hard not to gossip. I work in an industry where everybody throws everybody under the bus. I mean, like bus throwing is like the our favorite pastime and nobody ever does anything right, You know,

never. So like it's sort of a pastime at my job for for like people to sit around in the office when when we change shifts and part of shift report is to discuss how everybody else sucks but you.

And so I don't really participate in that. I really don't. I have it ties slipped into that and pulled right back out of it going whoa. And I said, you know what, I'm sorry. The truth is, is I'm being unreasonable and I'll slip right back into the, the, the objective truth as opposed to my subjective truth.

But this is a thing in my job. And we all do this because we're, because we're all like, you know, demigods in our own little and our own little world. And nobody is as good at what we do as we as we are. And there's a huge competitiveness that goes on too. And so

I'll, I'll be sitting around at work and I'll see this going on and, and, and I may not be verbalizing it, but I'm thinking it, I'm thinking at them. I'm listening, I'm comparing, I'm doing all of these things. So when I'm sitting and I'm and I'm looking at those bedevilments and I'm saying, where am I having trouble with my personal relationships? Well, at work

I have judgment. I, I think I'm better than other people.

I, I play, I play the spiritual person. And I don't say it, but I think that because I don't say it, it makes me better than them, you know, and I do all, you know, and I'll write that out. Where does that? Where is, you know, what does that look like? And so what's the opposite of that? You know? OK, so, yeah, bring love and compassion. But what does love and compassion look like? For example, I work with somebody who is very racist and he uses a word that makes me want to vomit.

Now I've politely asked them not to use it. Now I can't make him not use it, and I also don't want to make a hostile work environment. So when, when, when he uses this word that makes me want to vomit,

I try to envision him encapsulated with God's love and grace. I visualize him surrounded by God's love and grace. I visualize myself surrounded by God's love and grace. And it just goes right through me. I don't react to it and I don't have judgment. It's just a word he's using. I preferred he used something else. God bless him, it's gone now.

If I sat in judgment and I tried to change him where I judged him for his perspective,

I don't agree with it. In fact I abhor it. But I, I, if I, if I sat there and I created an identity of me being superior to him because of this shortcoming he has,

I'm one not having any compassion. I'm not having any love. I'm not participating in a recovery. And The thing is, is when I visualize this and I don't react to this word, he stops using it

because he's not getting what he wants out of Maine. He's not getting an agreement nor an acknowledgement that it was spoken

because I don't hear the word. I hear it and it goes through me and I don't even react to it. And whatever comment he makes or surrounding this word,

I didn't hear that either.

I just, it just doesn't, it doesn't blip on my radar. He stopped using it when I would make a face. He got a reaction, so he used it. I don't make anything. I'm calm as a Hindu cow

and nothing happens. So that when we're talking about, you know, love and tolerance, you know, love intolerance of our is our code. Love intolerance is our code. What does that mean? And sometimes that means doing some spiritual work, such as you doing that. What I just told you was called the Love Light meditation, by the way,

and it's just a visualization that we use when we when when, when we have somebody who who we view as being in need of God's love and grace, who maybe is not awake to the God within them. I mean, when we say Namaste was up on the board and as the intent of Dom stay is basically the divine and me greets divine within you. So you know, it's it's it's that. And I think that actually, I actually when I when I and this is again, Merton and and and and and it's also Emma Fox. You know, the idea that there's,

there's a spark of the divine that dwells within me, there's a spark in the divine that dwells within you and dwells within all of us. So when I'm interacting with you, I try to pay attention to that fact.

So when I'm interacting with you, I'm trying to see that within you. I'm trying to make a communion between the divine within me and the divine within you.

And I might even think to myself, Namaste,

you know, there's certain things that we do or we can do to sort of bring about, we can, we want to bring about an environment of recovery and hope. And, and we're not. And like I said, This is why we said it's not just services, not just about drunks and newcomers and detoxes in the big book. But where can I bring this holistic perspective? Other places?

Where can, you know, do I? I don't want to be for different people in four different situations.

What I want to do is be able to be the same person everywhere. I'm the person you've seen at this table making cracks about porn and all the other things that the same person I am at home.

I mean, that's kind of the point. When I do this stuff, I don't. When I do these workshops, when I speak from the podium,

I don't have a podium persona.

This is my podium persona. Sorry, but this is what it is, you know? But that's the same person you're going to get on the telephone with the 10 step. That's the same person you're going to get when you're sitting across the table reading the big book. It's the same person you're going to get when we're hanging out, like just bugging out on something stupid or going for a hike or any of those other things. People know what they're going to get for me because I'm consistent. I don't wear a different face for different circumstances. I bring me who I am warts and all,

and one, it makes people feel a lot better about themselves because like, dude,

she's way fucked up.

But also part of it is then, you know, with that sense of comfort and, and who I am and what I do and being that without an apology because I'm an ass, you're an ass.

People feel more comfortable with being themselves. And it's amazing how other people's walls go down when my walls don't exist. Does that make sense to you? You know, so how do we not build those walls? What is it that we can do as individuals to be more effective in all the areas of our life by being more authentic in who we are?

You know, what is that authenticity look like for you? And that's what I'm saying. What is your vision? Who do you want to be? You have a chance to recreate your life. We have it. We don't. I'm not talking about dictating to God to be a demigod or be important or any of those other things, but we have an opportunity for God to recreate our life and we do have a say and somewhat as to how who we end up being. I remember when I first started doing this work and I was working or not even when I first started, when I, when I, when I really became like, you know, a thorough big book

Nazi. You know, I was in the Spiritual Awakenings group and it was like full of, you know, Dave and Chris and, you know, Mark was coming out and we had all these influences and all these people. And it was just like, we were all like in a crazy on fire,

thumping fire and brimstone, big book thumpers. And I kind of looked around at all of us and I'm like, we're all asshole.

Seriously. Like, like, you know, people would be coming into the meeting and be like, you know, you know, and they would just be saying the most sanctimonious crap.

And you go into a meeting and somebody asks for a topic and somebody brings up this horrible tragedy that went down or whatever.

And then the next person shares about something even worse. And the next person shares about something even worse. And it's like this this one ups on how fucked up our lives are. Well, at the Spiritual Awakenings group, we had the same concept, except who does better meditation? Who does it longer? Who does it in what way? And who has this better teacher? And,

and you know what? I read 37 spiritual books before I got up for breakfast and therefore I am much more spiritual than you.

And it didn't start out that way. It didn't start out that way. It started out as this drive to, to, to, to, to learn about this message and, and, and to carry this message and to help people. And, and somewhere along the way, we got caught up in the, in the, in the, in that, that guru thing,

you know, and we're all these little mini gurus and we're all got plans and we're going to change Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and we're making this big revolution and, and

you know what we got to change. And then it follows. It happens on its own. So, you know, like, and so like we, you know, we got sanctimonious and, and so spiritual that, you know, like we farted, you know, fucking fairy dust, man, seriously. And the thing was, it was like, it was awesome. And everybody, we all go through this phase. You guys have all gone through it, I'm sure

you know, and then you kind of come back to reality. There's this book that's called After the Ecstasy, then The Laundry,

and it's all about having profound spiritual experiences and then just finding yourself in the modern world, looking around, going. So that was it.

OK, you know, so how do I take this profound spiritual experience and go to the supermarket, you know, do the laundry function in the modern world? You know, because we all glimpsed God. If you're sitting here and you haven't had a drink and you have recovered, then you have felt the power of God. You felt the hand of God come inside of you

and switch something on. You felt it. You felt the flow. You know, it's time to do the dishes. Exactly. So we're walking through this. We're walking in this around this earth with, with this incredible experience and connection with this incredible knowledge, with this knowledge of this thing that something like that could exist.

And we're walking around and we're, you know, just going about our lives and how do we do that? How do we do that without becoming so,

without creating an identity around that? And that's really what we're talking about, is that not creating an attachment to being

awake, but experience being awake and being experiencing being awake is enough. That being awake in itself is enough that I don't need to be so attached to my awareness that it becomes an encumberment, you know what I'm saying? You know, and so

I was looking around this meeting and I'm looking around and like there and everybody's competitive and who's got more sponsors? Who wrote the longer inventory? Who meditates more? Who does this? Who's got more detox commitments? And they're like they're whipping their Dicks out left and right. That's a man's meeting. I was like the only girl. I was like the only girl that do the extended 3rd and 4th column inventory like for years,

you know, and I think if there was anybody who needed to do it, it's like, oh damn, it cares. The only girl who knows how to do it, so

send it to her. So I mean, this would this, this was this was the deal. So like I'm looking around and I'm thinking to myself and this guy saying, I haven't, you know, I haven't, you know, thought about a woman sexually and I haven't objectified her in six months. And I'm like, you're boring.

Really we're you know, and and that's where I thought about and I said, you know,

I'm not going to do this. You know, I came in here a tattoo covered, Mohawk wearing, freaking knife carrying punk rock chick with, you know, Doc Martens and I still wear docs, by the way. You know, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to create an idea of what a spiritual person looks like and try to fit myself into this idea because I'm going to be so attached to this idea that I'm going to lose sight of the whole point, which is the authenticity of this. This

if you know, I get people to work with me because I talk like a truck driver and I'm nuts. And they love that the most prim and proper woman will be like, yes, you said it. I fought it. This girl's got balls. And the guys are like,

she talks like me, awesome, you know, but and that's kind of how it goes. I mean, this is, and The thing is, is like, and that's me. Who are you? What is going to be your flavor? What is going to be your approach? We don't have to be spiritual robots to be effective and Alcoholics Anonymous in our lives. What we need to be is who God made us and embrace that. Now that's not an excuse to do terrible things.

God made me a pervert, So therefore I'm going to be what

you know, but what I'm saying is, is that we don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater to be spiritual beings that that's that's not what we're talking about. And I think for a long time we, you know, there there were these people that I absolutely adored. I worshipped. I created an idol out of them because they knew this book backwards and forwards in a way that I

still to this day wish I could.

I'm catching up. But you know, I still got a couple more decades till I'm, I'm like them and, and people do it to me. Honestly, I don't know how many times people have listened to a talk that I've given on on CD or whatever. And, and they're like, Oh, you know, when are you going to be in my, you know, my area, my, my, my state. And I'm like, oh, you know, I'm going to be in, you know, Seattle and blah, blah, blah. So you know what, you know what, why don't you? I'm going to speak in this day once you come out and meet me

and and they come in and their face falls. They're like,

you're Carrie. You sure

Carrie from XA shit?

Damn it. You know, I didn't see the disappointment. I think it's hilarious because I'm like,

would you say? Would you expect a statuesque blonde and, you know, in a business suit? Did you listen to my fucking story?

You know, really, you know, and we all got to be monks. And so, you know, when we're talking about working and playing well with others, part of it is learning to work and play well with ourselves in the spiritual sense.

Clarify that as part of part of it is accepting. I mean, when we take our 7th step

and we, we ask God to take all of us good and bad, right? And we go out and we make our amends and we're living in 1011 and 12 and we redress and go through the work when, when it's necessary to have to have more of our channels cleared, so to speak. You know, we're asking God to do something for us, right? We're asking God to make us in, in the way that, you know, it says, you know, filled with me and do with me as thou wilt means I don't get to decide what I look like anymore. I don't get to decide who I become.

Allow God to do that. I mean, I have a certain responsibility to show up and do a certain amount of work and God does listen to us. And this is the beautiful thing is what I want doesn't matter. Doesn't mean that God doesn't love me enough to hear what I what I want or allow me to ask. He's just allowed to say no.

You know, that was something else I had to learn was that it's OK to say to God, you know what? I don't like this and, and God says so,

but but you know, my kids say they don't like shit all the time.

I got four of them. So I have 4 separate opinions on a regular basis, you know, and I love it as much as it might annoy me when I get the no, you know, I also like, I love when they come up with their crazy opinions, when they entertain me with their, with their ideas and their plans and their designs and, and they're kind of, you know, my 4 year old is coming up saying all kinds of craziness to me. And I think it's hilarious and it amuses me. So is it possible that I am amused? God

with my crazy plans to design, does God not love me enough to hear me out? Even if, even if, even if the answer is going to be no or not now,

you know, so I mean, there's, there's that part too. So, you know, we get to ask, we get to communicate, but we also get to give up the control and allow us to become what we're, what we were intended to be in the 1st place. I mean, because that's what I really think is going on here is that, you know, we were supposed to be a certain way. And for whatever reason, because of alcoholism, whether we were, you know, freeze dried alcoholic crossed the line, I don't know. And I really don't care.

I don't really that's something that just that's a debate that's somewhat irrelevant because you are an alcoholic. So just deal with it. Who cares how the fuck you got here? But, you know, so ultimately,

you know, it's like what? However you got here, however you came upon this disease, there was somebody that you were meant to be in the first place.

And we got derail

through our alcoholism and our job from this point when it says to broaden and deep and to grow and understanding and effectiveness is to embrace and become that person,

you know, and that for each one of us is somebody different

that all of our paths of our we apply all of these principles and we use very, you know, a lot of the same techniques and mechanics and applying these principles. But the principles express themselves in each one of us in an individualistic way. The difference between the objective truth and the subject of truth. The objective truth being the 12 steps, the subject of truth being our own personal results.

It's making sense to you. I, I just don't want to dominate it.

You're doing great and I'm just enjoying it myself. Sorry, no, I just, the only thing I wanted to touch on with this stuff is, is, is for me, the, like I said, was the, the inventory process helped that and the ideals, you know, my sex ideal is not only a sex ideal, it's, it's, it's, it's relationship ideals and, and who I want to be. And I, and I apply those same principles and tweet them just a little bit in those same practices to become who I need to be, you know, to get that vision, 'cause I didn't know who I

supposed to be. You know, I didn't know what was right or wrong or, you know, inside of me there was something there, but I could never word it. I could never define it. I didn't know what it looked like. And it took practice and it took sitting down and actually doing it and asking God to show me the, the, the problem or the difference. I don't want to say it's a problem because it's not, It's actually works fine. The difference between me and her, she's very eloquent. She's got a she's got a way of using the language and she can express things in words

that I never could. I still can't. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm a show me guy. You know, you know, I, I don't, I don't give you this long, you know, really, you know, profound word definition of something. I invite you over. Let's hang out. And he gets to see then people get to see him tolerate my insanity. And they're like, you know, you want to go for a ride? I got, I got, I got to make a run to Newark Airport. You know, you got some inventory. Let's go,

you know, and I bring them into my life and I show them how I live and, and, and because I, I don't know how to express some of these things. I'm not the word guy,

you know? So, you know, for those of you who are similar to me, you know, bring them along, invite them into your world, show them how you live. And yeah, you can answer the questions and you can explain it on a situational basis on how this happened,

you know, but I can't bring into my consciousness how I did the past 18 years. There's, you know, I could tell you how I crossed the street and didn't, you know, and didn't bitch at that Lady who cut me off, You know, I, I, I know how to deal with individual situations, you know. So for me, it was all about bringing people along, showing them what I did, doing the writing and the meditation so that I could see what it looked like and not being afraid to ask questions, not being a, you know, find people that we respect and we we admire

and, and that have something that we want in our in their lives and ask them how you did it. You know, what's what do you think? But but the other the warning in that is, is, is, is what they say isn't gospel. If it resonates true, cool. If it doesn't, it doesn't have to be mine.

When you talked about the ideal, and over the years I've done many different types of ideals, of course, we've all done the sex like, you know, I mean, that's kind of a given. Hopefully. Yeah. If you haven't, get with me later and I'll explain it to you.

But you know, I the same, the same ideal, the same structure I've used for sponsorship. You know, for myself, what kind of sponsor do I want to be? What do I'm what? It's a relationship. Let me bring that to the table. Who do I want to be in the sponsor sponsored relationship? And for me, it wasn't about controlling or patrolling my sponsees. I don't do that. I don't drama manage. It was about setting an example, being of service,

being honest, being compassionate, you know, and it's, you know, talked about it in the doctor's opinion. It says that, you know, that that we have our message has to have depth and weight, right?

Depth meaning a solution or an answer. And the weight is the willingness to, to assist with that. And it's one thing to tell somebody they have a problem or even give them instructions and well, here's your problem. This is how you fix it. See you later, you know, let me know how that works out for you. No,

you know, we participate. It's collaborative, you know, because this is the fellowship of the spirit and it it is about collaboration. And that's where, you know, Alcoholics we don't do well at. I mean, think about this. Who who here's been been gone to college?

OK, how many, you know, we ever do like a group project, you know, and like when your professor decides that they're gonna, they're gonna, they were reading Piaget or some crap and they decided that they were gonna try some sort of, you know, like, you know, like constructive method of,

of instruction, right. And they decide we're going to do a group project. Let's do a group project where we all break up into groups and then we, we present this to the class and we do whatever, whatever. And, and did it suck? Did you hate doing group projects? Were you the one who just said, look, people just do here, look, you write this, you write this, you write this. Just give it to me and I'll fix it and I'll hand it in again. A because I, I can't trust you with my grade. Do that. I did that.

I was notorious, by the way, for that. Everybody wanted to be in my group because nobody had to do any work and they would get that.

Yeah. So, I mean, so we don't necessarily

do collaborative well, I mean, this is definitely something I'm working on, you know, and we don't do communication well. And again, this is, this is we're talking about creating this ideal and, and saying, okay, well, you know,

how can I be a more collaborative human being within the constraints of my personality and identity? Some of us are more fiercely independent and some of us are much more, you're much more laid back and easy going and social than I am, you know, so I mean, he's great at that. And a lot of times I'll defer to him, like when there's something going on, some sort of family thing, my family thing or something we got to organize. I get all the shit together and I get the schedule and I book everything and he deals with everything else

because I don't do that. Well, I bark. I bark orders. You go here, you go this, and then people want to smack me. I know that about myself. So I don't do it.

Yes. And I delegate the things that I'm not great at so I don't cause harm, you know. So I mean, part of it is about, you know, as about recognizing where where we're not great now. And you know, and we do get better with these things. I bark far less than I used to, you know, but it's saying, OK, I'm not great at this, but somebody else is. Can I not bring them into this? And

can we not work together? But see, egos a motherfucker, man. I want to. I want to do everything perfect all the time and never admit that there are things that I don't do. Great.

I have to be great at everything. And I can never let you know that I'm not well. Everybody knows that you're not. Anyway, you're not fooling anybody.

So you know that, that, that just acknowledging, admitting and and accepting the collaborate, the collaboration between the individuals work so much better than trying to force yourself be something that you're not pretending that you're something you're not or just harming other people because you're being you, you know, and so they mean this part of part of it is really that, but it's creating that vision. What do I look like as a sponsor? What do I look like as an employee? What do I look like as an employer?

What do I look like here? I'm a writer. I've written for years. I was something I stopped doing. And it's something that in meditation, it was something that we were talking about potential, you know, and, and meditation it, you know,

I'm like, people hate me for a lot of reasons. People really hate me for this because I'm in Graduate School. I do shit, I barely do the reading. I'll, I'll write a paper. I have a paper due tonight. I'm going to write it on the plane and I'll get an egg. I'll spend an hour, I'll write an 8 page paper and I'll get an egg. I spent two hours last weekend writing a paper and a 12 page paper and I got 100 out of 100 points. And my professor praised the living shit out of it.

And it was all bullshit. I wrote it. I wrote it in about an hour and 15, maybe an hour and 30 minutes. You know, I'm an asshole,

You know, I just, I have that kind of brain. So I, I'm a writer. I've always been a writer. I pull this shit out of my ass and, and, and my professors think that I walk on water and I laugh to myself thinking really, your standards are really fucking low, man. But as it was coming to me in meditation, it was something that kept coming to me. And it was like,

you know, I have this talent and I don't use it. How selfish am I? I can pull a research project out of my behind,

you know? I'm articulate when I feel like it, when it, when, when, when not every other word that comes out of my mouth is an F bomb. I'm rather articulate,

but you know, and I had this talent and I haven't been using and I haven't been using it because I'm lazy, because it's always been there. So when I want to pick it up, I can do it again, right?

And it came to me a meditation. It came to me with, to me, actually, I was meditating before I went to work and I was driving. I have an hour commute there, an hour commute home. And I and I drive, I go to work. I work 4:00 to 12:00 or 4:30 to 12:30. And I get out of work sometimes closer to 1. So between 1:00 and 2:00 in the morning, nobody's up,

you know, unless I'm going to call, you know, California or Texas with a 10 step because I'm being stupid. But other than that, no ones up, you know? So I have an hour of quiet driving home and it occurred to me like, you haven't been writing. You haven't written in years, you haven't written anything creative. What a selfish prick you are.

Maybe you need to start doing this again.

And it kept coming to me again and again, again and again. And I'm like,

there's something to this. So I started writing again

just for the pure joy of writing, you know, So I mean, like, you know, it, it sounds like something really stupid, you know, but and, and then you think it's like, OK, Graduate School, full time, full time employment for children, 10 sponsees. And, you know, and I and I, I take about a week, a weekend, a month and go somewhere else and give these talks and do these things. What do I have time to do that? There's always time to do things if you wanted enough.

There's always opportunities to, you know, to do things

if we wanted enough, if we prioritize properly. And that's one of the things that, again, Alcoholics were not great at prioritizing.

You ever just sit down and make a list of the things that are important to you in your life, the things that you need to prioritize? You ever do that

again? This is something, you know, it sounds so stupid and cliche, but something we don't do that we really should. And I have and I was made to do it, you know, is to look at what are my, what relationships are the most important relationships in my life, What are my priorities. And unfortunately, and Adam knows this, he's the 5th on my list because

I have four children. It's God a a four children, him. He's the, he's the first adult on my list. And he knows this and he's accepted this. And I think, and I think if it was any other way, no, if it was any other way, you would be unhappy about that, correct? Yeah,

But, you know, I had to sit down and what are the most important things? What are the most important things to me? What are activities or things that I value? What do I value? You know, because I've heard so many times people say, well, I want to do this and I really, really this and I think it's really important,

but their actions, their feet say it's not my four steps really important to me. My recovery is really important to me. When was the last time you wrote on it? Last week? No, it's not important to you. Well, and I but I just watched the entire season of Mad Men. I guess Mad Men's more important to you than your recovery. Dude, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, but I mean, these are things that we need to think about. Like one of the things that I did was not necessarily look at what I thought, but look at what I did. What do my actions tell me

are important?

You know, my actions tell me what's important in my life, that my children and the most important thing to me because I work like a dog just to make sure that they're that they're provided for. Plus, when I'm not working like a dog, I'm snuggling them and spending time with them and actually doing things like playing Uno and red light, green light and having conversations with them. Oh my God, You know, sponsorship is incredibly important to me because

when I'm not sleeping, working or with my children, that is what I'm doing.

I mean, I've seen 4 movies this year,

you know, not at home, but I mean out. Like I've gone to the movie theater four times this year. Yeah, that many? Yeah, exactly. You know, I don't, you know, I'm doing 12 step work. That's what I'm doing. Then it's the other stuff. Then it's yoga, then it's exercise, then it's this, then it's that. But my actions show what I value. Don't. It's not what we're thinking what we value. Look at what your feet are doing. What are you valuing in your life? And if you're giving time to something that isn't something you value,