Kerry C.. from Tannersville, PA speaking in Conyers, GA

I'm going to introduce Carrie. I think one of the guys in your story happens to be a guy. I know right now the mechanical guy

is a guy. He's not as mechanical as he. I hope he's not. He's, he's had a good effect in my life. And I had originally asked him to come, you know, be our facilitator. And he goes, you know what? No

know a great because he had talked to me enough and knew how I believe, you know, that the big book that was the baseline and I've done all this other work and he knew my belief systems and he goes, you know, there's a girl in it, Carrie, and he goes he goes, you should check her out. She's she's be great for you guys. And so I looked her up on XA and it was a talk in Iceland and and she said some stuff and I was like I I like this. This is this is what I like and

and I'm really looking forward to seeing, you know, you guys open up to this. Adam, thank you so much. That was great. I love the spirit part because I do fall in the mechanical zone a lot. And so with that I give you Carrie Andrew.

Hi, I'm Karen. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 6th, 1994. My sponsors name is Peggy and my Home group is the Way Out group in Tannersville, PA. I started every talk that way. You can hear it all weekend long. Not because those are the things that have given me

long term abstinence from alcohol, but there are three things that helped me to get to the source

that allowed me to obtain long term abstinence from alcohol.

You know, we're back home. Adam's the nice one. I'm going to warn you that right, right, right out the gate, he's a nice one. When I'm not available, he's like sponsor in law. My sponsese call him and they're like, why can't you be more like Adam? Like he's just so cool and I'm like, state me, sorry. So I'm going to give you that right out the gate, like he's a nice one. He's a laid back when I'm the one who's going to piss you off

and I have the phallus mouth. Ever

The things that come out of me should not come out of a little girl that looks like, you know, you know, this cute little Irish girl that has a mouth like a sailor. And I apologize, but I'm going to try and rein it in because, you know,

want to try and, you know, pretend that I, that I live the spiritual program, OK? No, I am, I feel very, very, very intensely about the steps. I feel very intensely about God. I feel very intensely. I have a lot of opinions and sometimes I express those opinions and not so socially acceptable ways. And I apologize in advance for that.

I mean, I've given talks where people have called up my my sponsors have called me and they're like, dude, they wanted to tar and feather you.

What did you do to them?

Umm, so with that being said, umm, I want to yeah, me too. Finally giving them. But we thought, you know, we thought we wanted to start out this weekend by letting, you know, talking about our stores and letting, letting you know a little bit about us and our journey because, you know, it's like you, you wonder like, why are we, you know why we come here for a weekend and listen to us, you know, two morons talk about the book. You know, what is it that is so particular or spectacular about our experience that that

that, you know, warrants an entire weekend of discussing God and a, a, you know, and The thing is, is there's really nothing that's really particularly special about me or special about Adam, except for we happen to be at the right place at the right time. And we happen to

get involved in the big Book community when there was a real renaissance or resurgence of

actual practical application of the steps. I mean, it sounds so, but really that would be really what it was. And, and part of it was because we were very disenchanted with Alcoholics Anonymous prior to our introduction to the Big Book. Our experience with my experience was that Alcoholics Anonymous didn't work. I have been in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous since I was 13 years old. I got sober at 18. I have. I'm one of five children.

We're Irish Catholic, so I'm right at home at a Trappist monastery. You know,

in fact, I never set foot into a inner product, into a Protestant church until I came to AI because, you know, I thought I was going to burst into flames.

You know, I went to an all girls Catholic school and was expelled. So I mean, like, I grew up in this, this very religious

household, but I mean, it was alcoholism. I mean, and again, this is just my experience with it. It seems to run in families, this weird thing. I don't know. So I'm one of five children, Four of us have darkened the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm the only one who stayed, my one brother who maintains the abstinence from drugs and alcohol but does not participate in the 12 step program of recovery. The other two, well,

maybe one day I've given him a couple rides of detoxes.

What? So, so I grew up in this household where I had very, very, very, very religious, very upstanding parents. My parents, my mother's a Eucharistic minister, my daddy's an usher in the church. They have received accommodations from the, you know, like that they an awards from the, for the, from the, like senators have come and given them awards and things like that for their humanitarian efforts. Like, I have these incredible parents and they gave birth to the four of the most shiftless pieces of crap on the face of the earth.

Seriously, you know, I look at them sometimes and I think, Oh my God, you poor things. But that, with that being said, my, both of my parents are adult children of Alcoholics. And again, you know, that kind of lends my, my, my theory that there's something to this disease that, you know, may have some sort of genetic component. Again, So I grew up in this household. I had these wonderful parents who just, you know, really just loved us and cared about us and did did you know

all these wonderful things?

And I had, you know, these four, the four of us were like, you know, drug addict, alcoholic degenerates. And so there was a very much a very big thing about like keeping The Dirty secrets in, you know, not letting the neighbors know. I grew up. I grew up the complete opposite of Adam. I had some privilege. I grew up. My parents were not wealthy, but they worked very hard. And so I had, I had access to

private schools,

really good health insurance and rehabs.

I never wanted for anything. I had a stable household. My parents are still married. They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary a couple years ago. So I mean, I, I had the complete opposite, as you know, than what he had. Yet I ended up as bad or if not worse actually than him when it came into a, a. So that that says something about it, says that, you know, external circumstances have nothing to do with my internal condition. You know, because my parents are right now in my house watching my 4 evil children.

That's how much they love me.

You know, they're pretty evil,

but I mean that, and that's kind of my point that I, you know, I had a very supportive family. You know, they were adult children of Alcoholics. So they did have some, some things that

they fell short. I'm like, my dad had a really bad temper and he wasn't, it wasn't short of beating the crap out of you, but a lot of times, like there were things like, you know, that we did that not that we deserved it, but I mean it his, his violence wasn't at a maliciousness. It was out of an inability to deal with his own feelings or anger, which I've come to recognize today. So it was this weird dichotomy because I, we looked right on the outside. I had designer clothes, I went to good schools, I had a nice house, we had a dog, nice cars. And inside, you know, we beat the hell out of one another

bloody messes and, you know, and, you know, drunken brawls and, you know, and the cops being called and don't tell anybody and the all of the shame in all these secrets. And I'm the youngest. I'm the youngest by 16 years. I was I was a mistake,

I was told. And my mom I love her so much but like sometimes she I wonder what she thinks sometimes because I guess I was in my like

4th rehab and I think she wanted to tell me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. So she told me the story about how when she was 40 years old, she got pregnant with me

and the doctor thought she had cancer. Like they felt like this lump in her, in her, in her tummy, and they told her she was going to die and

they went in to remove the cancer, which then turned out to be Carrie.

Sorry, Miss Cosgrove, you don't have cancer, but you're going to have another baby. Good luck with that. You know,

and she, and so she told me this story and, and, and about how like everybody said, oh, you know, you, you should, you should really get rid of that, you know, and like, if you know, like you can plan for that, you get rid of that, you know, just go get it taken care of. It was 1976 and that was something that was, you know, an acceptable thing to do. And about how she, she really loved me and she didn't do that. And all I heard was your cancer and I didn't want you,

you know, because I'm an alcoholic. I have that. I have those blinders. I have that that filter that, that edits for the worst things possible. Because I have this incredible sense of worthlessness and an incredible sense of entitlement at the same time. I need constant approval, acceptance, love and validation. And if I don't have it, I feel completely empty

at all times. And there's no sense of self, no core that says anything about who I am other than I'm nothing. And, you know, and if you felt like that, drinking looks like a really good idea, doesn't it? And I felt like that from like, the very beginning of my life. I mean, I don't remember not feeling like that. I don't remember not feeling like there was something wrong with me,

you know, And mind you, I'm telling you a little bit about, like, the household I grew up in. So, you know, you kind of look at it and you go, OK, you know, Dad just, you know, beat the crap out of my brother, who then beat the crap out of me. And I fell down a flight of stairs and, you know, got stitches in my head. And Mom's going, don't tell the doctor that he threw you downstairs. And I'm thinking, OK, well, maybe that has something to do with why I feel different, you know, 'cause I grew up, you know, I'm living in this. At the time, it was a relatively affluent community. And you know,

you know, and, and, and I have secrets, all these secrets and all these things. And nobody's families like mine, nobody has this experience like mine. And, and I, I really believe that that sense of, you know, worthlessness or that sense of emptiness came from the outside. And when, when I came to alcohol, it's anonymous and I did some step work and I found out that that had almost nothing to do with that lack of sense of self. That lack of sense of self was there long before

any of these things happen, you know, because with me, I, I assigned an external condition to everything that went on in my life.

You know, I had to blame somebody else because if I acknowledge that there was something different about me or different about how I drank or different about how I perceive the world, that would make me a piece of shit. And I couldn't tolerate that. So I had to live as the victim of everything and everyone

at all times. And when you're living as the victim of everyone and everything at all times, mission really freaking paranoid.

So then I'm making up things that really didn't happen because and I'm reading into things and I'm thinking for you and I'm assigning things to you that you that you're going to do in the future. So I'm pissed at you about something you haven't done yet. You don't even know you're going to do because I think you're going to do it.

Then I found alcohol.

Yeah, You know,

so, so this was kind of my internal state and, you know, and, and then and then, you know, growing up in the household that I did, you know, with the Alcoholics that I did, you know, it wasn't so abnormal to find, you know, booze, you know, and I found it and I found it at a really young age. And again, it was something that I did and it was like I wanted. I remember I was like

10 years old and I said I'm never going to be like my brother John. My brother John's a hero or was a heroin. He hasn't done heroin in 20 years.

And I'm never going to be like my brother John because, you know, he's bad, you know? And then I remember, like, having my first drink and by 12, I'm like, I'm going to be a drug addict. And I'm like, you know, I think I'm going to go out. Ology Morrison

Yeah, that's it, You know, You know, like, my world of view changed so quickly once I put alcohol in my body. You know, for me, it was like everything. Everything that a normal person would want. I absolutely reject it,

you know, and for me, and the truth was, was that once I put it in my body and I had that reaction, I had that sense of warmth and that feeling of being whole for the first time in my life. I, I knew that I was going to do just about anything. Did you feel that again? And I also knew because I, I watched what it did to the people that I loved. I watched alcoholism destroy people. I watched, you know,

drugs destroy people that I loved. I watched this go on, you know, right in front of me.

I I mean, I knew that I was going to just keep doing this and I so I knew that I should just really lower my expectations as to what I was going to be. I figured, you know, rather than being disappointed in myself, you know, and try to be normal, I was just going to not at all. I was just going to remove myself from any expectation, any

idea of being human, normal or functioning on any level. And if I did that, then I can drink any way that I wanted and I wouldn't be disappointing myself at least, you know, and I figured eventually people would get with the program and stop, you know, having any kind of expectations or, you know, any, you know, idea that I was going to behave in any way that was, you know, socially acceptable. And they would get with my program, which, you know, let Carrie do what she wants and she'll just drink until she dies and she'll be, this will be all good.

You know, she's just, she's not going to make it to 21 and it's all good, you know, like I'm just going to go out that way. And I really didn't think I was going to make it to 21. Actually, I almost didn't, I died for two minutes. But, but that's a whole other story. But so you know, that that's, that's my worldview. Once I put alcohol in my body, like I knew that there was something different about how I felt when I, when I drank, you know, and, and I, and you know, and I, I love when I hear that, that thing in a, a, we talk about drugs. A drug is a drug. You ever hear that?

And I'm like, Nope, no, you know, you know, it's one of those things. It's like, you know, I, I, you know, I came into a A and I heard at first I came into NA,

you know, and I basically came in to relapse. Like my parents kept dropping me off at churches and like with a dollar and they just get in there,

take her. And, you know, and I would, I would, they would always make this announcement, the beginning of any meetings. And they would say, you know, if you have anything, any drugs or paraphernalia on you, please, you know, leave them outside. So I would wait a few minutes and then I would like get up and smoke a cigarette and be like kicking the bushes like.

I found rise to Newark and NA meetings that was that, you know, for for a 14 year old girl without a drivers license job or you know, any means of obtaining, you know, that was always a good thing. I, so I found people to relapse with, you know, and so, you know, I, my first introduction to any kind of 12 step recovery was really, you know, it was, it was a place for degenerate kids to get together and pull our resources

so that we can drink the way we want to.

And I really didn't see anything wrong with that. Like I just kind of felt like that, that, you know, you know, this is what we did. And there really wasn't anybody who was sober any extended period of time in this, in these groups, because it's not like I went to good meetings. I went to like candlelight meetings at 1:00 in the morning, you know, you know, So 'cause like I, you know, I picked, I chose well, you know, so I looked for every degenerate I could find. And then, you know, we all, you know, pulled our resources.

So, you know, my parents kept dropping me off at these churches,

you know, with this meeting. Listen, a dollar, you know, and I kept coming in here and I and what I heard was, you know, like as a drug, as a drug, as a drug. And I would and I would think to myself, well, you know, I can smoke pot and, you know, just like what Adam said. And I don't have any problem with that. You know, when I drink, I try to stab people. So I probably shouldn't do that so much,

you know, But you know, pills are fantastic and especially when you got a script. I'm actually,

I'm almost finished with my master's in psychology, which is really, really ironic because the physicians desk reference in the DSM four were my favorite tools back in the day. I would read them and I would make up my symptoms so that I can get the drugs that I wanted. But you had to be able to get the right symptoms to get the right diagnosis, to get the right drugs,

no? So I did my research very well. It actually comes in handy because I do work in the mental health field today, which is really funny.

And and when I tell stories about being in four point restraints to my my Co workers, they're like, I think, but I wanted to don't worry about it. I want it.

Dorsey. OHK OK.

I was like, it really didn't flip out. I just faked it, you know,

So what began to happen for me is like, I, you know, I did, I did what what I do, which is, you know, I started to drink and I found that I couldn't stop drinking. And I found that, you know, the consequences piled up. And just like what Adam said, you know, I didn't try to rationalize. I didn't try to do any of those things. I, I, I did the fuck it from the gate. I lowered my expectations. I said OK, I'm not going to live to be 21.

I will die an alcoholic death. I will probably die bloody, stabbed and rape some in some freaking crack house down in Newark. And this is OK because I need to drink, you know? And I did. I went right to the bucket. I didn't even like Pasco, you know, and so

I began to do things like, I don't know, like go down to Paterson, NJ and date drug dealers at like 13. That seemed like a good idea. In fact, one time, like my dad picked me up from school and somebody asked me if it was my boyfriend and I was like, no, that's my dad, I guess 'cause I had all these like, you know, these older guys picking me up from school to take me to, you know, do what I had to do that it didn't like occur to me that that was weird. Like what? It's like, look, if you're 14, you're an alcoholic and you're a drug addict. Wouldn't like, you know, guys who had

are a job, you know, over 21? Wouldn't that make like a lot of sense to you, right? Like why mess with somebody who can't cure alcohol for you? Right, Made sense to me. So I would just look at them and be like,

you guys are dumb.

I don't have to pay for it.

You got to bribe some guy outside the liquor store.

They roll up with a case in the backseat of their car.

Yeah. Later my sponsor was explained to me that was called prostitution.

I didn't see it that way. I saw it as being very opportunistic and intelligent. So like this 30 year old drug dealer picked me up at my house. My parents thought maybe it was a good idea for Kerry to go to rehab. So that's what I did and I went to rehab and you know, I did what you typically do in rehab. I talked about my inner child.

I made loafers and like a belt. I had like this really nice coffee mug we had, we had a yogurt bar, horseback riding, a swimming pool. And see like adolescent rehabs are like kind of like they're, they're, they're they're psych wards really with like an alcohol rehab, you know, an alcohol and drug like trapped in it. So it's like a locked ward. And it's sort of like Lord of the Flies. Like, I began to really like rehab,

you know, like I would go on a run. I would disappear for days. I would like, you know, be off with my 40 year old boyfriend and, and I and like, eventually I get mad and I come home to steal to rob my parents and, and, and they would be like, you know, you have to go back to rehab and I'd be like

free drugs, access to men, no parents. All right,

I'm good with this, you know, So I really didn't, you know, I didn't really have a problem with rehab. Rehab for me was a place to, you know, to chill out and relax, you know,

take a spa, come out with some new prescriptions. I was all good with it, you know, so I, I was doing this and I was coming in and out of a A and I was hearing all of that stuff, you know, like don't drink and go to meetings. Meeting makers make it. And I was like, meeting makers make what, you know, I had no interest in actually stopping. I just pretty much came into the, you know, to meetings because I wanted to get people off my back. And I had just accepted that I was going to die

and

something, something happened where I, I was, I was in Paterson and some bad things happened to me when I was there. And my parents thought it was a really good idea for me to move to Pennsylvania to live with my sister. And my sister, she's a nurse and she's the only non alcoholic in our family. She had four kids. Actually, we, we bought our house, which is really funny because of our four kids. And I live and I look just like her. Like I'm like just, I'm 1/2 inch taller and I have a different nose. Like, that's the only difference between me and my sister Morning, who's 16 years old.

Everybody thought I was her illegitimate child in the neighborhood. They just because she's she was, she was 16 when I was born. And people just thought maybe like, you know, she went away for a summer, pushed, pushed me out and just passed me off as her sister. Like good Irish Catholics, you know.

But anyway, so my parents sent me to live with, sent me to live with my sister

and she lived in the woods and you know, like I'm a city girl and like, I didn't have access to, to, to alcohol the way that I had previously. And you know, one of the things that happens to an alcoholic is if you take alcohol away, we get way sick. I mean, like, I'm fine when I'm drinking. Like drinking is my solution to you because you all suck. And I think you and you think it may. And I'm

playing like this mental chess game, you know, and my thoughts screaming my head and I pretty much want to sleep all the time and die. And so,

you know, if I'm drinking, at least I can like function and, you know, have a conversation with somebody, you know, and you take that away from me and don't give me anything to to like, you know, fill that void up with like, you know, God, you know, and I go slowly start raving insane. So in this year that I lived with my sister, like, you know, it turns out that I'm actually kind of smart. I didn't know that and I did really well in school. But the problem was is like I kept trying to kill myself. And I kind of it was really funny because like I took, I went to the library and I took out this book about like suic

survivors. And is this book like there's a book written for teenagers about how they should, how they could deal with their friends or family members committing suicide. And I read it back-to-back and I kept like renewing it. And I didn't really realize because I wasn't very, you know, aware of what was going on with within me. I just kept renewing this damn book. And then one day, like I ate the medicine cabinet, you know, like it was just like there was no, you know, I was just, I slept all the time. I was miserable. I wanted to die. I didn't know I wanted to die, but I kept obsessing about

one day. I just, you know, tried it, You know, nothing happened that day. There was nothing particular about that day.

I just figured today was a good day to die, you know, And of course, my sister's in our end. So look like we're going to try to commit suicide. Don't do it when the R NS home. So she finds me, which I have made amends to her for that by the way. She finds me. Bump the stomach, put Carrie on the psych ward. Some more pills for Carrie, which she keeps using to try or kill herself with. I don't know. So maybe you shouldn't give them to her,

but so, you know, so, you know, more time on the psych ward, come back out and and you know, and, and I, my pet and she was my sister was like, look, you got to move back home. Like I can't do this. I can't, you know, I already, you know, I, I've already been through the three other Alcoholics. Like I can't do this. Like, so my parents took me back and I and I had done I, I did well enough in school to be able to get into this private school. And where this really does apply to step one is, is that

I had, I had that, you know, that suicide attempt, I spent that time in the psych ward. And The funny thing about alcoholic families is when, when all my friends started to call and they couldn't figure out where I was because you know, they hold you for a while, You know, when you do something like that,

Umm, like my, I, I said to my mom, like when she was visiting me and during visiting hours, I, I was like, So what do I tell people? She's like, well, tell everybody you, you had pelvic inflammatory disease. She would rather me have like massive clap that came and infected my insides. They just say I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict and I tried to kill myself.

I didn't, by the way, I told people, but I made it seem like it was an accident.

But so I came out of the ward and and I was like, you know what, I got into this private school and I and I moved back home and I was like, you know, I, I have a new start here. Like I can, you know, I had already been gang raped. I had already had the suicide attempt. I already had all this bad shit happened to me. Like I can do this again and I can be a good girl. Nobody knows me here. And I got you know, I got into this all girls Catholic school. It was like a very prestigious school and where I lived and I'm like, nobody knows me here. All I have to do is just not drink.

I'll go to meetings, I'll go to real meetings, I'll do whatever I have to do. I just have to not drink. And if I could just not drink, it'll all be OK. I'll pretend that I'm somebody else. If I pretend that I'm a good girl and I pretend I'm a fucked up mess, maybe somebody might believe it. Maybe I could be. Never do that.

And then what happens with the devastation of like when you pick up that drink, when that suddenly happens when you're just like walking down the street and somebody walks up to you and was like, hey, I got a 40 all right, boom. Not a not a thought, nothing. There was no defense, nothing. All of this stuff, every all these consequences, like 101 rehabs, you know, a diagnosis is out the wazoo. Discouraged parents, discouraged sister violence, rape, torture,

suicide.

You want to go get high in the park? OK,

Do my little Catholic school uniform, you know, not a thought, not a defense, nothing. I couldn't, it wasn't even, you know, I didn't even raise that threadbare idea that I can do it again. I just did it. Just did it.

And within, I don't know, two weeks I was dead for two minutes because I knew like I knew I was like, I can't not drink. I don't have not to drink. I keep going to meetings and they keep telling me things like, you know, just make coffee and just keep coming back and, you know, get a network. I hate everybody. I don't freaking network, interact with people. Everybody sucks. I hate myself. I hate you. I hate every freaking thing on the face of the earth and my skin crawls and you tell me to fucking call people

you know. Seriously, go to the diner. I'd rather die,

you know, seriously, you know. So everything they were telling me, everything they were offering me was like, it was like chewing glass

and, and, and, and I would try it and it wouldn't work. And I would just, you know, and I would just feel so empty and discouraged. I was like, I would see these people. They would,

some of them were staying sober and I was like, I can't even get, I can't even stay sober. Like these people, it's working. They got like, you know, 90 days, They got like six months. They're getting their key chains and their chips and their pins and their and and I'm popping, you know, pills and drinking and dying

and I can't get it, you know, and and and some dirt bag comes up to me in the park and says you wanna get high. Boom

boom boom. Not a thought, not a thought, not a thought. Boom boom boom. So this was my bright idea. I had this really nice boyfriend who his sister eventually married my brother, so now he's sort of my brother-in-law, which is kind of creepy. By the way.

I did make amends to him too for this, because what I decided to do was that I should just get rid of everybody who cares about me,

burn every bridge, eat the medicine cabinet and die for real this time and just get it over with because I can't. I can't not drink. I can't drink successfully. Nothing's working. A A doesn't work. NA doesn't work. Pills don't work. Shrinks. Did I tell you I had like a lot of shrinks? My parents had really good insurance. They were union. Union

rate, insurance, state union. So I mean, I had shrinks, I had a shrink. I would drive around on a Mercedes to go find me while I was like leaving the 40 year old man for drugs,

you know, as you can find me and drag me out of these places. I mean, this is, I mean I had every opportunity one could think to get sober,

everything you could possibly want, you know, Cadillac rehabs and I can't.

So I call up this wonderful guy who loves me very much and I tell him he is the smallest penis I have ever seen and I hope he dies.

That's why it's kind of funny that he's my brother-in-law

because the family parties at my house. He loves my husband. It's really funny now.

And I tell him, you know, like hoping you die. And then I eat the medicine cabinet and I die and my mother finds me on the floor and I'm not breathing. And I wake up a couple days later and faded and, you know, in, in the ICU and the pediatric ICU because I was 16 and I can't even die. I can't die. I can't not drink. I can't stay away from it. I, I, when I drink, I can't control how much I drink. You know, I do incredibly terrible, horrible things. I wake up

miserable, depressed when I'm not drinking. I want to die.

When I do drink I'm fine. But everybody else wants me to die, you know, and, and now I can't even die. I can't even die, you know. So another trip to rehab and I come out and I get thrown out of that wonderful school. I was in there for a sum total of nine weeks, 3 weeks before rehab and you know, six weeks after. And then I set something on fire while drunk in the girls bathroom and beat the shit out of somebody

in the hallway all at the same time and got thrown out of that school and got into another rehab. And then you see the pattern here, you know? And you know. So this went on for a while and it wasn't until I was 18 years old

that I was able to get any substantial time away from alcohol or drugs. And the thing The thing is, is that I didn't get introduced to the steps until I was two years sober. And

see this wonderful thing happened was like, you know, I had that moment of clarity. Adam already talked about it where we crawled out of this basement. You know, I met him and of course it was like, you know, sitting Nancy. And I love that, you know, and and I told him I was like, you know, by the way, I'm going to die. I'm probably going to kill myself. So, you know, don't get too attached to me. But like, let's have some fun while while, you know, while we're doing this, you know, we get sober and I get pregnant. I'm like 60 days sober and I find out that I'm pregnant. Of course my mother calls me a whore.

Unwed mothers are not OK in our family. We have a lot of them by the way,

but I was kind of the one who broke the ceiling on that one.

And so I, my, my family had completely disowned me at that point. Like, you know, my mother would see me on the street and she would look through me. She wouldn't even stop, you know, and you know, so I'm this, you know, 18 year old pregnant girl with 60 days sober. And I, I, and I know I'm not going to make it. I know I'm not going to stay sober. I'm just hoping I can stay sober long enough to push this kid out. And I, I had this incredible surrender. Like I didn't work the steps. I knew nothing about the steps. I mean, I read this 12:00 and 12:00 and I thought

about the steps and, you know, and I, and I was, I'm a relatively articulate, so people thought that I had some kind of program, but I had nothing, you know, and I knew that this wasn't going to work. I knew I was going to die. I knew I was going to fail. And I, and I can remember, you know, I was about a year and a half sober and I'm looking at my daughter. She's a year old and she's beautiful, the most beautiful creature on the face of the earth. And I'm looking at her and I'm like, I'm about ready to drink again. I don't know it.

And I'm looking at her and I'm thinking, well,

Adam is pretty stable because, you know, he had done some kind of work. And my parents are wonderful people. So when I die, they'll take care of her. And I was making this plan in my head and, and my sponsor calls me and says, you know, there's this weird guy who's going to, you know, he's going to India and he's going to go study with Dalai Lama, but he's speaking at this meeting. You want to go? And I'm like, all right, like whatever, you know, I'll just kill myself tomorrow, you know, sort of thing.

I'm sitting in this meeting and at this point, like I, I, I was only making midnight meetings because I couldn't, I couldn't talk to people. They, they used to call me shaky Carrie because I walk around like a coffee cup like this. I mean, I, I couldn't, I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't function. I didn't leave my house. I, I went between complete and utter withdrawal to throwing everything at my poor husband. The only thing, the only person that I treated with any kind of love was my daughter, you know, and I worshiped her and everything. And I was just

empty and broken and completely, completely, utterly, utterly incapable of interacting with human beings. I didn't, you know, my, my poor sponsor would pick me up and take me to a meeting and I wouldn't speak the entire time. I was freaking mute. I mean, she was such a wonderful lady. She tolerated me. So she took me to this meeting and there was this guy and he was talking about a men's. He was talking about having we have to make amends to them all the mall. I hate all by the way.

It's like most, you know,

there's lots of walls and must, but you know, that's one of the other misnomers. Now costs on us. There are no must bullshit. There's lots of muss in requirements and lots of balls. So he was talking about all and I got pissed and I was like the first time in like a year I'd spoken in a meeting. And and this guy like if you hadn't hit Joe Hawk and he looks like if he looked like before back in the day, he looked like a Captain Kangaroo and David Crosby had a love child. This is what this man looked like.

So he's got that warriors mustache and Oh my

And all of a sudden, like, it was like the Exorcist, like my head spun around and then this poor guy, I mean, like he's such a he just looks at me and he just gets that smile. You ever, you know, people do this to me all the time. I'm sure they do it to you,

right? That this newcomer comes up completely insane and spews like this and you just smile because you have them. You know you have them and you and you're like, I got you.

I should get that look. And I think I think I'm convincing him of of why the nine step doesn't apply to me. Nine were in a four step. I mean, I and the third step,

I was thinking about it like it was kind of like I went fishing through my wheel out and I took it back. You know, I never hear that people say I gave up my I took my will back. You. You would line your wheel, dumbass.

Where do you say we give up our will? It's not a fishing expedition, man. So I mean, I was just the same thing that I was doing this. Yes, I was fishing and I didn't know what it meant to be an alcoholic and said I was one. I know idea what craving mental obsession, spirituality, although they were all over the place. I didn't know what they were, but I, you know, but I didn't want to make amends and I was going to convince him why I didn't, he didn't apply to me

and Oh my God. So he called somebody over and he qualifies me. I didn't know that at the time, but that's exactly what he did. And he hooked me up with somebody to work, work steps with me. And I began to work the steps out of the big book. And I began to, I was for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to be an alcoholic and I knew why I, I kept thinking, you know, I'm just going to die because he says we're doomed. Like literally says doomed. Doom, Doom. You know,