The Recovery From Addiction in Plymouth, UK

Hi, my name's Joss and I'm an addict.

It's an honour and a privilege to be asked to come and talk here today.

I'll tell you a little bit about

my using and what brought me to to this fellowship. I started using drugs at the age of about 11 years old.

I just the normal types of drugs really, you know, just just smoking a bit of puff and it, it escalated pretty quickly for me by the age of sort of 1516, I've got introduced into the, the house music scene and into, into clubbing and, and parties. And, and you know, I'm not here to say that it, it wasn't fun because it was fun. I had an awful, awful amount of fun. I, I had fantastic times. I couldn't,

I wouldn't change that for the world. But that's not the way that it ended up. It become problematic pretty much from the beginning. I believe that I had an appetite more than everybody else. I believe, you know, that I have that gold ticket for the for the Cannons club. I could go further, I could go longer and I was, I was pretty proud of it. I thought to myself if it was, if it was an Olympic sport, then it was, you know, I was going to win it definitely for the for staying up for days on end. It was,

it was something that that I was really good at, but that

just carried on. You know, everybody around me grew up, everybody else got families, everyone else had children. And I just carried on doing the same thing. I just stuck in this revolving door of doing the doing the same thing. And then I've got a bit further on in my life and, and having to and my, my partner had a child and I still carried on within the house music industry. And now I was DJ ING and, and it was, it went hand in hand. It was, it was a DJ ING and running parties

good excuse to use a lot of drugs because that's what deejays do. That's what we all do. And and I thought that was fine. But the difference with me was I I just didn't know when to stop. And more to the fact I, I couldn't stop it would, it would go on for it would go on for days and weeks and

lots of, you know, lots of funny stories would come out of that. But the, the reality of it is and the truth and the, and the bare truth is it wasn't nice. It wasn't nice. It always started out nice and it always started out that it was gonna be different this time. I was gonna use, I was gonna have fun and, and I'd, and I'd be like a normal civilian and I'll get home and I'll, and I'll go to bed and everything would be fine. But I couldn't do that. I physically couldn't do that. As soon as I put a drug into my body,

I, I just had a hunger for it that that I couldn't control. And

as I say it would, it would go on for weeks on end, at times weeks on end. There'd be brief intervals where I could control it. I'd, I'd decide that it was time for a break. I'd, I'd stop for a while and then it could be, it was like I could only describe it as a time bomb. I was, I'd never know when it was going to get me. And I used to describe it as it I didn't know it something was going to get me. I could. I could be popping out

on a Tuesday afternoon.

It could be raining. That would be a great excuse to go and have a drink and and I'd pop in for a drink and think that. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I could get away with that. The circumstances we change and I could maybe would have that drink and I'll go home. But I couldn't guarantee it. I couldn't guarantee you that that where it was going to end, that one drink would always turn into,

but sometimes turning to a massive Bender that was completely out of control. And I travel around the country trying to find more people and more drugs. And it was, it was in existence is what it was. And, and then a catalogue of, of letting people down, a catalogue of being unreliable, a catalogue on the surface of it. Near the end. I, I just about had everything. I just about still had a house. I just about still had a partner. I just really skin in my teeth. I still had a job

and luckily I had some understanding people around me. It got to a point where not I wanted it to do, wanted to do it. That's not wasn't the case for me. I didn't want to come and start going into these rooms. What I wanted was I wanted to be able to use normally. So I got, I went down the classic route and I went and saw my GPI had some private health cover and, and I went and, and, and sought help through

a psychiatry, which at first I thought to myself, yeah, this is what I needed to do, talk about lots of stuff that happened to me. But I would only tell the psychiatrist what they wanted to hear. I wouldn't tell them that I, I used drugs

on a regular basis in high amounts. That wasn't that, that wasn't what I was telling them. I was telling them that, that I, I had a, that I just wanted to calm down a bit, which is what they tried to do for me. Then after yet another, yet another massive blow out and, and yet yet another situation where I'm sitting with my head in my hands and I said to my partner and she said, well, look, you need to go back to this city psychiatrist. And this psychiatrist told me that I needed to go into, into a rehab centre. So which, which I did and I wasn't very happy about it, but I went and did that.

And the reality of all of all of it is and the whole story is that the rehab centre, all the money and the time and the effort that I spent trying to get there. The only thing that has ever done anything for me is exactly in this room today. And that's I don't make it up. This is, this is the truth. This is actually what happened. I, I, I started going, I got introduced to 12 step fellowships and as a few people have spoken about today, and I'm sure a few more will

I, I went in there and I didn't get a message. I've got a message if you keep coming back. So I kept coming back and guess what, you know, I went, I went out there and I used again and I found myself back again in the same situation.

And then divine intervention, call it what you want, I don't know. But we went to this meeting back after another relapse after another with my tail between my legs again, promising everybody again. And there was somebody sitting up here like I am today, not with a microphone, but they were sitting up here like this and they had the information. And I looked at what this and listened more, looked and listened really. I could see that this, this guy, he had something. He was, he, he wasn't sick like everybody else. He wasn't

it, It wasn't moaning about his day. He wasn't, he wasn't glorifying his using. He wasn't telling me a big long story about how many drugs he used and how exciting it was and, and, and how terrible it was. He was telling me about what he's done about his problem. And my ears pricked up and he at the end of the meeting, this guy came over to me and offered me his telephone number, which is something was new to me. You know, usually I could scurry off and have a cigarette and and I could probably get away with not speaking to anybody, getting in the car and driving home. But this guy came,

spoke to me, took and gave me a telephone number. A few days later, I thought, you know, I sort of got this wishy washy message of, of sponsorship and I didn't. I bought lots of books and lots of lots of well meaning books and I've looked at them and they meant they meant nothing to me really. I looked at them and it made no sense at all. But I went to this guy and I thought, you know, he's given me his telephone number. I'm going to I'm going to make that step. I'm going to ask him. So I asked him, I'll bring him up and said, would you sponsor me? You got to instantly says, yes, I'll sponsor you.

And to be honest with you, that's really the end of the story. Because from that point onwards, he gave me some simple, very, very simple things to do that I believe all of this, all of us in this room do exactly the same stuff, but there's no maybe you can do this and maybe you can do that. Just do this. It's simple, which is what I did. It gave me some some simple suggestions and it was the God part of it came in, you know, and I'm not the sort of fellow who goes to church and gets on his knees. I'm not, I'm not a gaudy,

but I thought I'm desperate enough and this guy seems to have something that I want. So I followed what he said to do and I and I got down on my knees and it didn't feel right. No, it didn't. Getting down on my knees. I sort of hid myself away and got down and and said these prayers, but but followed these suggestions that that he told me to do. And

as I say, I don't make this stuff up. My obsession that I'd had for 15 years of wanting to use drugs. Don't get me wrong, I will always think about drugs. I'm a drug addict. They always come into my head. I can't stop them coming into my head, but I do not obsess about using drugs. And that for for no tick number one, that's a miracle. That's that's the first miracle that if I hadn't had that, if that hadn't happened to me, I don't know if I could have carried it on. If I hadn't have had some answers straight away that like I've had, then I wouldn't have

we're done with the rest of the work. But I did, I did get those answers. So and then it quickly, I quickly realised that it wasn't me not using drugs was not, was not the only problem. And because I had some well educated people around me about this, about this disease that we've got. I was, I was learning and I was taught about it. I was taught about what is wrong with me. And it carried on from there. We went, you know, we started working through the steps. We got step three and

I didn't even realise that I was only had a temporary sponsor, but he asked me would you like me to be a sponsor? I said yes,

we carried on, we carried. I've been all the way through the work now and it's been, it's, it's

been a revelation. I mean, the, the people who are in my Home group have seen the change in me. And it's as I say to, as I say to anybody who will ask me that. And a lot of people say the same. If you want to know how it's worked, then you just speak to my partner because she'll, she'll tell you the,

the changes in my life.

They're not dramatic. They're they're amazing. It's I'm a living testament to it and absolutely living testament. I don't one, I don't use drugs. Two, I can pull myself up when I'm being a right selfish bastard. You know, excuse my language, but I,

I've got those tools now to, to deal with it. I can, I can deal with life on life's terms. And for that I'll be eternally grateful that the things I've got going on in my life. Thanks. That that I used to hear people saying my life is on fire now. The idea when I was using of my life being on fire when I wasn't using drugs, that was just a crazy, that was a crazy thing for somebody to say. I thought a life without drugs would be a seriously bought. They'd be walking around with a big grey cloud above your head. That's not the case.

That really isn't the case and I can't stress it enough. I'm I'm just at the beginning of my life. I feel like I've just, they just started. I've just kicked off and what lies ahead of me is I'm excited. I've got a future, a real future that doesn't that doesn't go week to week and day-to-day my future. I'm looking out ahead and I can see the next 50-60 years. And I never thought I'd see that. And that's purely through just shutting my mouth, listening to my sponsor and getting on with this program. And it's

as simple as that. And I will leave it there. Thanks a lot. Thank you, Josh,

and now I hand you over to Simon, who has been invited to share for us today. Thank you. I'm Simon. I'm a very grateful recovered addict. Oh, cool. Is this Seriously though, just seeing everybody here today, I mean, I'm sorry and I would have immense feeling of gratitude for what we've done here. Thanks to the guys from Sweden. Thanks for the

direction we've got from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thanks to my sponsor, thanks to his sponsor, and so on at Infinitum. I've got an amazingly cool life. It's so cool to be you're inexperienced. That wasn't always the case, as I'm sure most of you any will identify with. I'm the kind of guy that goes out in the morning for one and comes on three weeks later with a criminal record.

I'm the kind of guy that goes to hospital after overdosing and being in a common for 13 days and fix. It's the most natural thing in the world. The day leaves to go and take the same substance that put him in there. That's the kind of guy I am. This one. I shared this in my own Group A while ago. Me, my partner,

we were seeing our boy off. The summer holidays had just started and he's going out and my partner's fasting over. And are you going to be all right? What are you going to do? And all the rest of it. Now, I remember being a kid, my parents would be kicking me out the door is what they'd be doing. And I'd kind of I'd go out and they wouldn't hear from me for the rest of the day. You know to come home at tea time because that's what you did

at 5:00. More often than not with The Dirty clothes of Rip somewhere it's hungry and smelling of fire.

No Fast forward 2530 years and I'd be living at my mums house still because I was gangster. I was in a room my parents house and I tell her I was going out and probably got come back two weeks later hungry with a tooth, missing rips in my clothes and still smelling of fire.

But I didn't get that. I couldn't equate the fact that the attitude that I had was exactly the same as the one that I had when I was a kid. I couldn't do that.

I mean, a lot of guys have shared today are are usually exactly like you do. I have completely no power over the amount of chemicals that are put inside my body once I take one. I'll never understood that. I always thought it was the chemicals that I used that was the problem that I had. I always equated the drama that came along with that as the root of the problem that I had. I didn't understand. I didn't know any different in you know what? It was just the way it was.

I didn't know any different. This was the thing you hear people talk about. Oh, when I was a kid,

I was just a kid.

I didn't know any different, you know, I, I kind of, I, I mixed and then I wouldn't and then I would. And that's just what my life was like until that great day when, you know,

so stereotypical in school bike sheds, somebody's got a bit of wacky baccy. So what they've got and we're doing this. Do you want some? OK, didn't have to think about it, did it? And I realized that it did something for me. And what I found was as I grew up, I mean, I was never aware of any kind of great spiritual malady. And, you know, you people say, oh, I felt

separate educating. Yeah, I kind of did. But, you know, didn't all kids. That's the way I used to think. And what I did find there was as I was growing up, I found out the guys that I was knocking around was used to do stuff with the increasing ease compared to what I used to do. I used to look at these guys and the way they would communicate with people and their personal relationships more than anything. And I'll think, how do you do that? And then, you know, Steve mentioned it earlier on, it would take me to use a chemical to be able to do stuff that muscle more friends doing with really relatively ease when they weren't.

I still didn't equate that as being a problem. Still didn't get that.

Use drugs for 1520 years, whatever. In much the same way Erica said. Do you want some of this? Yes, I do. How much do you have? That's the way I use chemicals. Didn't care. I remember one time, and I know the drama is not important, we managed to get hold of a midwife's case is what we did. And I remember sit down systematically going through every drug in this book. What's this? Don't know, let's try. Don't. What's this? Don't know, don't try. And that was my attitude towards chemical. I didn't realize that I had this racial attitude that I was mentally incapable of stopping. I didn't know that

there are periods in my life where I stopped. I'd meet a set of consequences. I'd run into the local magistrate or something to do with social services around my son or my parents would threaten to Chuck me out. And I would manage to stop and I would make all the resolutions and I would never decision. I would make all the promises and I'd stop in local Gray and I'd I'd get into some college courses what I would do. And then it'd get boring. And then the way my Mrs. Breathed was really good on my nerves

and then I'd look at her

and then

Julian Sponsor talks about it. You know it, that little voice. You could probably smoke a joint

that or you've done really well. You could probably just have one and that and I'd be off or not. I'd be walking down the street and I'd be just walking down the street and I'd see somebody or new that I use with alright, and now I'm gone it it it really was as simple as that. This went on adding for an item for 15 years, someone like that. Another set of consequences, another promise made. I'll clean up this time. I went into a facility is what I did.

And I think it was Erica mentioned it earlier on or somebody else mentioned it. I thought,

I'll get this out the way. I'll just clean up and I'll go about and live my life. And in there I was told I was perilous is what I had no clue what these guys were talking about. And I didn't relate. And they're all talking about some really horrific stuff that went on in their life. And the best I could come up with in my head was my dad never bought me a Mr. Frosty machine. That was the extent of the drama that happened in my life. I grew up in a really normal or OK family.

Anyway, came came out of this facility, moved to a new area.

Life was great. Eagle was fully intact. I'd put a couple stone on. I had some tea put back in my head. That's what I did. Then I got introduced to women who had their own teeth, which was a novel, which was great, which was brilliant and

kind of fitted right into the fellowship that I went into because I was start raving mad. I had no conception of what being powerless was. I had no conception of what being an addict was. Somebody mentioned it earlier on. I was clever enough to understand that drugs were problematic in my life and now once I started, I found it really, really difficult to stop. I got that. I kind of got that and then went off and got all the things I thought I deserve because I did a really hard life and enjoyed the Pats on the back and all the rest of it.

Proceeded to do that and made a very good job of it too.

But that familiar feeling

kind of started to come back, and I kind of did what I always did. And, you know, I did the only thing I knew how to deal with that, and that was trying to shrug it off or buy myself something different or text another woman or this or that. And these things worked periodically,

but then they started to fade and I remember being sat on my flat.

I'd create myself my own business. I had a partner I was very much in love with. I had a lovely flat. It was awful and really nice shiny things. I'd been going to this fellowship and everybody there thought it was great because I'd learnt their book inside and out. And I was able to really often say this and all the rest of it and come out with a funny one liners and make people laugh and tell you my boring stories again, is what I would do.

And I'll tell you to keep coming back. I, I wouldn't go that often, but cause I've been there for a year and a half. I was old timer. I was, I'd, I'd do that. And I'd, I'd, I'd share about what was going on in the, the guy who had, I was, had a sponsor that time. He, he'd been a, he was, he'd been around for a long time in that fellowship.

And now don't misunderstand me. You know, I'm not, I don't bear any malice at all to what's happened. Plenty of times do I sit down at the end of the night and I'll write these people on my gratitude list because if it wasn't for the experience that I had there, I don't believe I would have reached a place that I've reached now.

I don't. I remember a week before I finally got a good sponsorship, I asked some other guy in the same fellowship if he responds to me and he turned me down because he had his daughter coming down over Christmas and he was all a bit busy and all the rest of it. And I remember, you know, I didn't know any different at the time. That's what happened around me. But I'm so grateful to that man for not taking me under. I'm so grateful for that man for not sponsoring me.

I reached a point in my life where fear was a constant companion.

Fear. I wasn't able to manage my emotional nature. I was just scared all the time, man, you know, all the time. I was wondering what you were doing, what you were thinking about me. Stuart comes up with a brilliant story. He's walking down the road and somebody will be looking at him and he'll think, they'll think I'm walking funny. And then I'll try and start not to walk funny and I'm walking even more mad funny. I identify with that.

I'd walk downtown and see somebody with a clipboard from a charity or whatever and I'm 300 yards up the road and I'm plotting what I can say if I get stopped, how I can not get stopped by them. This is a constant thought for me and I'm thinking this is not good. And you, I hear you guys talk about suicide, suicidal thoughts. Now, I never thought I had them,

but more often than not I drive down to Plymouth for meetings or whatnot and I'd have this crazy thought. I wonder what happened if I just went and got into the side of the world.

This No, that's not, A2 recalled thought. I don't know what is. And I reached a point in my life where I knew I was done. I had this very brief moment, and that's what it was. And I knew I had to capitalize on it. And in that moment, I could clearly see what my wife was in there. Every problem I had had, I was still at the front of the queue creating it. I could see that it was me. I could realize that all the resentments I had, all the bitterness that I had was ultimately killing me. I knew that's what I want, and I knew I could do something drastic. And doing something drastic for me is taking on board suggestions

from somebody else and actually going through with them. We said often a lot in my group. I'm no, I'm not one of these people and I don't identify. Oh, I'm never asked for help. You know, I mean, I never, if I can ask for help, I wouldn't have a flat, I wouldn't have had a script. I wouldn't have had all of these things. I was good asking for that. But I never, you know, I sit down and I nodded you and I'd be thinking I'm going to go into school in a minute or I wonder what she's doing later on. And I'm listening to you intently is what I'm doing.

Went to this meeting, shared about it a little bit earlier on

and still being in that kind of mindset of the fellowship that I was in, it was like I was in some kind of MK Ultra CIA thing. I'd been brainwashed. And Stuart, remember my own group, He was the share Finder of this meeting at the time. And he said to me,

we do the share, and I'm in a place of step one. Of course, I'm still in this mindset of, yeah, that's what I will do it. Yeah, All right, I'll just talk about it. That'll make everything OK. So I've sat down and I've just talked nonsense for however long I did. And in that room that night was my sponsor. Sponsor. And all he simply did was share his story. It's what he did. And I'm sat at that table and I've listened to it. And I thought I'm doomed.

I'm doomed with that after I didn't go and ask him because I had to write up with him.

I had the right hand for them. So I went and asked some other guy and bought an act of Providence. Call it whatever you like. This guy responded at the big book and he he sat down and he qualified me and he asked me the questions. He said, if we're using do you obsess? What should I flake? What's your personal relationship like with this really informal kind of conversations? And I just said that's yes, yes, yes. And he asked me that question. Are you willing to go to any links? I didn't know what that meant,

but I said yes because I was afraid. I said, yes, I did

because I meant it. And not only did I mean it, more importantly, he meant it as well. It wasn't going to stand up for any of my nonsense is what he was going to do. I went on that night, I put into action the the suggestions just God give to me and I, I this just the most amazing feeling. I this kind of light shine on me for the first time in my life. And I thought like I've been saved. This is what's happened. And I remember ringing my sponsor the next day. He's gone. Brilliant, fantastic. I said, this is great. You know, he said, yeah, OK. He said, what have you done today?

I'm just phoning you. He said no. He said go away, do your suggestions said phone me later on. That's what he did. And I've, I've just kept doing that for the last seven years and I've got an amazingly wonderful life. I've such a simple life and that's all I have to offer anybody.

I'm still accountable to my sponsor. My sponsor told me in the very beginning that my life depends upon me trying to give this away to everybody else, my life. I don't do this because

the sole purpose of me doing this isn't for me to have a fantastic life so that I can help the next guy. As a result of doing what I do, I have an amazingly fantastic life. I'm somebody who you would not put your money on to be sat in this chair alive and well today. I'm not. I'm surrounded by people. I've made lifelong friends. It's funny, Erica mentioned something about Harry wrong when she's going for a treatment.

And Once Upon a time I was surrounded by people that have been, oh, it had been all like that. I've just finished a course of intense intensive treatment is what I've been and I'm surrounded by my own group members and they've been telling me you look like you're dying.

And I love that. And somebody like me needs the my selfish and self-centered nature totally humiliated and smashed to the point where I'm able to see it myself in a ridiculous it actually is. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for that. This is the only place I've ever known I've got it.

It's one for a beer, Joking. Thank you and the guys from Sweden from coming over and thank you for giving me the opportunity to share.