The Recovery From Addiction convention in Plymouth

Good morning everybody, my name is Lou and I'm an addict. I have to say this is the finest group of sick people I've ever had the fortune to see. On behalf of the Plymouth Intergroup, it gives me untold pleasure to welcome everybody to the 2011 Drug Acts Anonymous Convention, Recovery from Addiction. Firstly, we would like to give a very special thank you to Joakim, Erica and Dow School who have had an eventful journey all the way from Stockholm to be with us here this weekend.

I'd also like to thank everybody from all the other groups who have traveled from far and wide and near to make this great event possible. We have a fantastic day and a half event which I'm sure everybody will enjoy.

It's all, it's all right James, There's no need to look so worried. You've done a little bit of service this morning. Nobody's going to ask you do another thing for another six months.

Surely there will be 315 minute shares from Nikki Beastie and Nikki Nikki H which will take us up to 12:00. We will then have half an hours coffee break at 12:30. There will be 220 minute shows from our Swedish members, one from America and one from Joking and then 50 minutes sharing from the floor which will take us up to 2:00 when we will have a break. An hour's break for lunch. At 3:00 there will be 215 minute shows from Simon and Joss and then 15 minutes shown from the

floor which will take us up to the finish at 4:30. There is a literature table at the back of the left hand side of the hall and if anybody would like to buy a big buck, Andy could just raise your hand a minute. Please. Please see Andy any arrangement for you? The toilets are located at the rear of the hall. The ladies are on the left and the gents are on the right. The fire escapes are on the on the left and the right hand of the building.

You are permitted to smoke outside of the building. But can I just ask that

the cigarette butts be put in the tins provided, please? And finally, can I respectfully ask that everybody is punctual and observes to the time in the itinerary? And with that, I will hand you over to Manu, who is our secretary for today. Thank you.

Thanks,

my name is Manu and I'm an addict. Welcome to the Drug Addicts Anonymous convention. Recovery from addiction

synonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from drug addiction. Could all mobile phones be switched off or turn to a silent profile? Please

Can we now have a moment's silence to remember? Tradition 5. Each DA a group ought to be a spiritual entity having but one primary purpose, to carry his message to the addict who still suffers.

This is an open meeting, so could I please draw your attention to Tradition 11? Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

DAA is not allowed with any outside organizations. Recovery is possible in DAA.

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when using you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably an addict. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

I will now hand you over to Nikki who has been invited to share for us today. Thank you.

Thank you, Alex. My name is Nikki and I'm a recovered addict.

Wow, what an honour today. What an absolute privilege to be sharing at our first DAA convention. You know, this is the first time I've ever been in a convention. And yeah, total privilege.

I guess from an early age of teenage years, what I most picked up on was the inability, total inability to form true partnerships and relationships with people. It wasn't something that I kind of dwelled upon, but I, I recognised it. Do you know what I mean? I felt, I mean, you hear a lot, a lot of people saying that, you know, I felt an outsider. And that's certainly like what I felt, you know,

and I found alcohol

and alcohol, you know, did it really ease me? I don't know, is a bit of a difficult one. I just enjoyed it from the word off. Do you know what I mean? I gravitated to the the naughty side of things. And, you know, and I certainly enjoyed it and it and I and I found an inability that it sort of like released my inhibitions that I could almost become a person that I kind of wanted to be, if that makes sense to you. I don't know who this person was, but it certainly felt a little bit better than the person I was at that time, you know?

And this total inability was the thread that ran right right through my life. Do you know what I mean?

I would,

I would manipulate people. I was felt. I was, I was baffled all my life. I was baffled because I couldn't understand why I done the things I did. I was incredibly

self aware of myself. Do you know what I mean? And we call self-centered. But yeah, I was incredibly self seeking at the same time, you know, I, I, I needed, I wanted people's appraisal of me. Do you know what I mean? I want it to be liked. I want it to be within crowd, you know what I mean? And I guess I couldn't really form that with sort of like normal people.

So I stuck to the people that was doing what I wanted to do your drugs, alcohol, and and I felt

more part of more fitted in in in with that kind of like lifestyle. And, you know, I didn't have any aims or goals or, or anything as as a teenager, you know, I just I don't know, I just wanted to bumble on in life. Do you know what I mean? Doing what I was doing, I was doing what I was doing. I wasn't having any sort of major consequences at this time. You know, why would I as a teenage girl? I was out having fun and, you know,

and just having a laugh like other people that they was doing, you know, and

I guess then you kind of like look around at your social circle and people are moving on. People are doing things and I just want to carry on doing this. Do you know what I mean? I'm enjoying this. I'm enjoying this feeling that I'm getting this, like I said, becoming a person that I thought I wanted to be. You know, I had a news of self-confidence about me when I was in, you know, under the influence of chemicals and or I just didn't care. Do you know what I mean? It was that kind of case scenario and

but I came to a point in my life where I did kind of like want want to settle down and

I wanted a bit of normality. You know, I could

dishonest of me, I know, but I could sense the shame of my dad and people like that. You know, I wasn't moving on and and I so wanted to, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Or I could do it for a short spell and then it would go back. Do you know what I mean? I just couldn't seem to form a normality within myself. You know, I was very emotionally imbalanced person as well. You know, I'd go from 1 extreme to the other and and this confused me. It really, really confused me. I had no knowledge of

what I was about, you know. I mean, I had no knowledge of my nature in any sense or form, you know, And it was so easy for me,

you know, now I understand this, you know, to point fingers at people and to blame is because of this, that I'm like, that's because of that 'cause I'm like this. Do you know what I mean? And I guess when you start, when you grow up and you run out of options, do you know what I mean? That was the place that I came to when I, I had to start looking entirely to myself, you know, I guess I didn't have a choice anymore. You know, I really didn't have a choice. I, I tried all the the normal things of the relationships and the children and and the jobs and

I still had this drug and alcohol problem.

I couldn't shake it. It wouldn't leave me. I would, I would stop for

couple days back on it, you know, Well done, Nicky, do you know what I mean? She managed to leave her alone for a little while. I'll have a glass of wine and then off I go again, you know, and I tried everything, you know, the book tells us of, you know, changing your liquor and I've changed my drugs and I moved the goal posts, you know, and, and the people I was with, you know, I didn't want to do what they was doing. But all of a sudden I found I was doing it. Do you know what I mean? I just couldn't work me out at all. I was lost. I was back baffled and I was totally confused and,

you know, and the, the volatile relationships that that I was in was just absolutely horrendous, you know,

and I know, and I can see today how incredibly selfish I was, you know, unbearably selfish. You know, everything was OK if it was going Nikki's way. And, and most of the times it went my way. I made it go my way. Do you know what I mean? I had, I had to control everything, you know, I had to control all my surroundings. I had to know where I stood all the time with people. You know, this, this is what this was. This is my nature. I understand this today, you know, this is

selfish and self centeredness, you know, it corrodes me, you know, and in an obvious confusion, I had fear, you know, a big massive fear of, I don't really know, it was just there. Do you know what I mean? Of, of life, of myself, of situations, you know what I mean? And it's not like, you know, I'm, I'm a little bit fearful today, you know what I mean? But it's not the case of like

I'm, you know, I'm sort of like consumed with it to the point

where I'm sat in my front room and I can't move. That's the cripple in fear that I'm talking about, you know, and, and I'll be on the phone to my mum and I'm like, mom, I've, I've got to stop doing this. I can't do this anymore. I can't go on. And you know, I look at my watch and I've been sat there for like 4 hours. Do you know what I mean? Just engulfed with this fear. But I always had like, an amazing ability, you know, my will. I'd shake it off and I'd try this or I'd try that, you know? But

thank God, thank God I was one of the fortunate people that, you know, finally,

that straw that broke the camera's back, you know, it broke for me. I was coming into meetings

and I identified with you guys, but in the same breath of it, you know, I, I didn't want to be you. I mean,

20 years of drug and alcohol addiction and, and, and then I'm sat in this room and you're telling me that I can't use and I can't drink. It's like, what life am I going to have? Do you know what I mean? The book talks about, you know, boring and stupid and glam. That's what I thought it was going to be like, you know, and I'd go back out there and I'd try control using again, control drinking again. And I'd wind right back where I left off and it would just get worse, you know,

until finally I was clean. I was clean for six weeks and I had to have a drink. You know, I was, I was, I was horrible, worse than what I was when I was using. I was absolutely horrible. My mum, I was living with my mum at the time and she used to say, so walk around with this big dark cloud. Do you know what I mean? Everything was just so irritable and I was unmanageable. And at one minute I was crying, the next minute I was shouting. I was just all over the shop and

I, I had a drink and I, I cannot tell you the relief that I felt of just taking this drink was just immense, absolutely immense.

And within three weeks, I was back, drug of choice, same behaviors. Nothing had changed about me. And, and I was appalled by myself, absolutely applaud. And for the first time that was when I had the choice. I knew that it was me

and you know, people talk about the step one experience. You know how dark and lonely it was. It was, but I had this like the shimmer of hope. Do you know what I mean? I just had a little slight shimmer of hope because I heard what you guys were doing. The seed had already been planted in my head and I knew that I could just go back, swallow my pride and just say, do you know what? I, I really need help here. Do you know what I mean? And, and that's exactly what I did. And I grabbed a sponsor and she took me through the steps rapidly. Thank God, you know, I, I don't think I, I'm not

type of person. I, I need to see results. I need to see results really, really quick. And, and I did within days, you know, absolute days. This is a 2020 odd addiction of drug and alcohol and in two days I'm not even obsessing about drugs or alcohol. That is amazing, absolutely amazing. I started, you know, doing things for people without, you know, thinking about myself of what I was going to gain from this. Do you know what I mean? My, my sponsor, she put me into such good habits early of service,

thinking of other people being there for the newcomer, ringing up newcomers, you know, I mean, even though I was only like a few days in the door, I still had a little bit more to offer than that new person that just walked in. And my, my life was being lit in amazing ways. And, you know, I worked through the steps and my life is just a,

it just keeps getting relayed. I don't, you know, I mean, I wish I could say this in a few sentences, but I can't. My life today is absolutely immense, you know,

from from myself, from the, the, the self-confidence that I have not arrogance. I have it in a self-confidence, you know, with my faith, I have a self-confidence. I have it myself esteem back. You know, I have Peace of Mind, my heads not rushing every two minutes. You know, I can actually sit there in my own time and my own space in my own skin and feel OK that it's just amazing. Is it, you know, the book tales and miracles among us, and I certainly believe that I am one of them. Do you know what I mean? With the help of a power. You know,

at first my power was my sponsor. It was the group, you know, I, I didn't even, I didn't even care. Do you know what I mean? I just seen it all working for you people,

you know, you had shiny eyes, you have big smiles. She's laughing. You know, your productive lives. This is attractive to someone like me, you know, And I just followed what all you guys were doing. I stuck to my sponsor. And, you know, I started to reap those benefits, you know, real, real quick. And I still get them today, you know, I still get amazed of where my life's gone. I know it's not my doing.

I'm convinced it's not my doing because I could never do it before.

I've tapped into something so special, what I call God, you know, and with, with my program, the more I do this and more my faith grows, the more my fears dissolve. Do you know what I mean? You know, I can be,

I can be the mother that I've always wanted to be. You know, I was, I was a good mum financially and, and in insecurity, but emotionally I was not there. I'm not up and down anymore. I'm, I'm, I'm very flatline. I remember I used to say this weird thing like when I was in addiction. I just want to be a flatline, just want to be a flatline. Like there's not up and down, up and down. And people like what I've got that today. Do you know what I mean? I've got that emotional balance today. I don't react. Do you know what I mean? To certain things, like

off my head, I can pause. That's meditation for me. I can pause,

I can think about the situations, I can process my day. I can go back in the evening and I can review my day of where I can be a better person, you know, because that's what I strive for. You know, I'm not, I am far from perfect, but I'm a million miles from where I used to be. And I still keep aiming to get to that, that perfection that my ideal of who I want to be, you know, and I will get things wrong, you know, and I will make mistakes, but it's what I do with those mistakes. I don't, I'm not going to, you know, demonstrate insanity and keep

in them today, do you know what I mean? I learned from them. And when I'm learning from them, I'm growing from them, you know, and you know, these principles are just spiritual. You know, I have to be in constant thought of other people. Now that goes, you know, in my meetings, that goes into my family, that goes into my work, it goes into all my affairs, you know what I mean? I have to be this person. And when I'm doing these things, you know, I'm at my best. You know, we was talking about it in my Home group on Wednesday. You know, I'm sincerely at my best when I'm thinking of other people and I'm not

locked in my own crap, you know, and it's so it's so simple and so, so easy to do if you're at that place of surrender, you know, because if you're not at that place of surrender, you've still got those. It was for me, those niggling little. Do you know what I mean? I might be able to do it this way. I might be able to do that way when you've sincerely got no more ideas in your head, you know, that is the best place that you know, I was. Do you know what I mean? And I and I just jumped on board and like I said, you know, my life is,

you know, it's absolute bore. I don't have dramas. I don't wake up in the mornings regretting the things I've done yesterday. I look at my husband and I still love him. Do you know what I mean? These are the things that, you know, I did, you know, in my relationship, what the hell am I doing with you? Do you know, I mean, because I was mad. I was totally and utterly insane, you know, and in my relationships, I don't look at what you can give me today. It's about what can I give you? What can I do for you today? I believe that's God's will for me. Do you know what I mean? You know, peace and harmony. I'm sure that's what he wants me

to live in, you know, and, and I do, you know, and guys, thanks ever so much for listening to me and it's absolutely fantastic to be a part of this and thank you very much.

And now I hand you over to Steve who has been invited to share for us today. Thank you. Thanks, Molly. I'm Steve, I'm an addict. Privilege to be sat here. I can't believe I'm sat here to be honest. 12 months ago or Saturday, ending my bed smashed using, you know, I were really ill. And thanks, Jordy for asking us.

Cheers.

Yeah, my experience was

I was, I felt lost as a lad. I didn't. I always used to say what's wrong with me all time. I used to be, I've loads of friends and but still feel separated from them and I picked drugs up speed when I was 1516 and it gave me some that I couldn't give myself the ability to dance.

It's true,

yeah. I thought I'd brilliant for a while.

So you know, I I did about 18 months with it, with that party scene and I loved it. I loved taking drugs. You know, I do. That's what's put me sat here today. I love taking drugs. Unfortunately, I don't take on 90 minutes. Take them, you know, my old friends and but yeah, I felt part of a little scene.

We wish to gather on a Saturday and and get the drugs and party. And it was fun, you know, it was fun.

And I went through a period where I was, I had, you know, a lot of people pick up at an early age and it's they're gone. I mean, I didn't, I was about I, I always took more than than other people and always took more drugs with my friends. But I got to about 25 and I.

I started isolating and fantasizing about using in my flat on my own. Wanna Be Good just sat on my own and it sort of took over my life and I were working full time and it got worse and worse and worse and when I tried to stop I couldn't stop.

That's what happened. My work funded me a bit. I used to have to rob everyday from work to feed me jobs.

When I try and stop it, I ended up ended up on a script and I didn't really know what wrote with me. I just wanted another way to get off the drugs. I ended up on a script and every time I went in I were positive for everyone as well. And they just said you need to stop this using everyone on top of your script, you know, and I went right suite Mia, you know, so I had AI had a methadone addiction and you know, it just spiralled and I couldn't stop.

I ended up in

in a daycare centre where we got picked up on on a bus and physical behaviour bus got picked up on a bus took to this place where they told me I were powerless and I used to come back and I and I obviously I used throughout that daycare. I wrote a step one in the bedroom smoking stone. So I was in it when I read it.

It got worse and worse and worse.

One away. I wanted to stop at that point and I couldn't stay stopped and and it did get worse. Ended up in another rehab, a residential one. And I wanted to leave and I just done a Subitex rattle and I wanted to leave. And he said you're going to use. I said I sort of think I am, you know, And I thought to myself I hope I don't. And you give me £20, you know, and I thought if I jump train, I hope I don't use it at 20 LB. And obviously,

you know, I didn't have a clue what suffered with, you know, and I got on turn, I, I jumped the train and I scored and I were out there again. And this was just repeated and repeated, an absolute inability to stay away from from that drug. And

yeah, I kept it there. It were hospitals you know that my experience hospital food

I were obsessed to use in hospital. I remember you know my family had found out were quite a secret user. I thought I were looking back when I've met some immense

the, the people were well aware of what I were up to. But yeah, in hospital, I mean, I had, I was really sick and

I was just wanted to get well so I could use no absolutely frightening. I started attending to all step fellowships and I was, I used to do loads of service, as much written work as I could and I had no concept or feeling of being powerless over this stuff. I thought, I didn't think like a power of my dilemma. I thought it were lack of money. I thought

a stag like that, there won't be any problems in my life.

But yeah, the Tulsa fellowships and I was smashing them. I was doing whatever I called and I can remember someone saying to me,

umm, you do, right? Well, you know, you got six brew positions and I was pouring bruise thinking I'm going to smoke storm as soon as I leave as me. I had to, you know, it brought me to a place where I've done some work through Big Buck and I ended up back in hospital beaten, absolutely beaten. I couldn't continue. I looked face to face with myself and my addiction

and it was put to me on the hospital bed.

My friends here tonight said, hey, sorry. And he said, do you understand the seriousness of your condition? And I did. And are you willing to accept spiritual hope? And I was, I was, I was just there. I was at that point I felt beaten and I got a sponsor and DAA in Plymouth, which was,

I don't, I don't know how that happened to be honest, but I did and I went through to work. I was willing to go to any lengths I was willing to do,

I think question Elliot words in book. I didn't question anything. It were just quick let's you know I'm up for it. I'll start back to work full time again from being out of hospital. And now I'm getting up at 3:00 in the morning to do my suggestions because I know I knew I were going to use again. And when I went through that step one, it showed me that I'm going to use again me on my power. You know, I try and kill myself.

That's my best thinking

and I had it. I had an experience with that because, you know, when I looked at that,

the physical craving, a lad at work said to me a bit ago now, he said, he said, how come you don't drink? Won't tell us. And I said, 'cause I'm allergic to it. You went, oh, right. You said, what ration that I went? I said, no, I break out in a phenomenon of craving, you know, Anyway, All right,

so

and I understood that, you know, I understood that when I had a drink, my last, my last relapse, last time I used, not the last time I used, but when I picked up was a drink. And I just, you know, the great obsession to drink like other people.

I I just wanted to be part and just have been normal and accepted that I was an addict. Do you know what I mean?

I had a drink and you know, they were all stood there with the pints and I witnessed that physical craving. You know,

they're all drinking pints, laughing and joking load of girls. I wanted to be part of that. They asked me what I wanted to drink and I went a big cocktail, you know, and they were like right, OK, so neck that and I was just off. I was off and I went getting because I end up boring and I was sniffing and I were knocking on door of my you know, the the to score gear the next day and that's what put me back in hospital. I couldn't stop.

But yeah, I looked at that physical craving and the obsession, you know, that the insanity to pick up clean

and you know, my it's up here and I see my thinking

and deal manageability. That was that was amazing to look at them that stuff on page 52 and totally identified what it was saying that, you know, to say that I struggled with personal relationships and emotional nature and I couldn't make a living. I could go to work, but I couldn't make a living, you know, full of fear and all that stuff. I identified with that spiritual malady, you know, that took me back and I couldn't sit with myself. I was disappointed if I were

in what my life were like and I was just I'll with myself

and I knew I were going to use again. I have no choice.

I had no choice. I was going to use again. And I went through the work. I carried on, you know, I had that willingness to believe and I was totally beaten throughout the steps. I felt beaten. You know, I felt absolutely finished and

it was deep in myself and I were blocked off and it was like, right, OK, I said. I didn't question anything. I just went through the work. I made that decision to do that inventory and have a look at myself.

Selfishness.

I didn't think I was selfish. No, I didn't. I thought I'd give anyone a lift. Didn't care.

It's not quite that, you know, I think about myself quite a lot.

But yeah, I did that inventory and it was put to me throughout all that stuff, all the inventory work. It was an experience. I came down here to do it in in March last year, and it was put to me. I'm not willing to turn to God with that stuff.

And I was willing to remember sitting back on set here and like I was willing and then through the rest of the work, you know, obviously demo men's, they were so important because I was I was told they were so important. So I went out and started making amends and I've met amends. I mean, I had to sit with the the managing director of of the company were Dunning for about 80 grand and sit there, you know, face imprisonment, sit there and tell them exactly what I've done.

And they were just like we saw you killing yourself. We just want you to be welcome back and see us forget it

and come back and see us every few months and tell us I get in on and all that sort of stuff. And that last time I spoke to him, because I've been doing that action, he said to me all we're starting a new company and blah, blah, blah. And there's a chance he might be ringing you up and not some work and things like that. What,

the mental crazy stuff.

I made amends to my family that record my men, amends to my family, which is obviously ongoing. But when I met amends to me to my dad and sports to my dad, he said it's brilliant what you're doing. I ain't got a clue what you do. And I said, right, well, do you want a big book? And he went, yeah, OK, so I give him a big book. And my mum said, oh, your dad's read that book three times this week already,

et cetera. So sports. I mean, he identified with everything apart from the physical grave in my dad. And then I went back again and he started

I started saying something about something on telly and he said resentment, resentment cop.

I said pray, pray for it to be removed. So I caught one with him. Well, I, I went

brilliant, yeah. And I continued to make the amends. I haven't much money at the moment. I'm working and everything and I haven't much money. But I made it. You know, all sorts of men used to people have had fights with and they started a period appearing from everywhere.

You know, they started coming off buses, a ladder had a fight with 15 year ago and all sorts of stuff and it were crazy. I've done one for 2 LB to the week for a scum and a cup of tea that I ran out that I ran out at Cafe from. She was like looked at me and said, listen, blah, blah, blah,

you know, about to go with us and see it sincere desire to put right my past because it says I'll use again. You know, to use is to die. And throughout the work, you know, I'm going to use again. I have to continue to do this stuff. And I have an inventory partner who most nights we're we're doing inventory together. You know, when we retire and we go through exactly, you know, we've been selfish, dishonest, resentful and fearful. And to keep me, you know, to keep me unblocked from that power that that keeps me clean.

You know,

it's been the next few months. I'm out there. I'm out there helping people. I do work in a rehab

frontline, I speak to lads in street. I have to do this stuff, you know, taking people through work. A lot of my time is spent doing that.

It's brilliant. My life's totally different. As I say, you know, I have an own group in Blackpool and I'm from Preston to get that in. But it's an old football thing that but I'm fond Preston, but I got a Blackpool ADA. It's a brilliant group and I'm accountable to that meeting. I've got through the big book.

I'm sat here, you know,

can I say this man still lives and is a Freeman? That's what it feels like for me and it's an amazing experience and just thanks everybody and DIA, the big book. Thank you know, God damn sat here. I'll leave it there. Thank you.

And now I'll hand you over to Nikki, who has been invited to share for us today. Thank you.

I'm Nicky. I'm an addict. That's a bit scary. I was just thinking when Steve was going on about the dance. And that would be a good judge of people's recovery, wouldn't it? Get all the recovered addicts in a room, put a DJ and go dance and see, you see who could dance. I'm here because I knew I was on a whole lot of trouble and there was nothing I could do about it. And my life had shown me that over the years. I mean,

yeah, childhood I was, I was right, happy child I was. I had a really good upbringing, loving parents, etcetera, etcetera. But I know that when I got to be a teenage,

it all went a bit odd. I couldn't see the point of life, you know, I didn't know what it was, what everything was all about. And I felt deeply unsatisfied. All the people around me, they had plans for the future and, you know, they were going to do this or they were going to marry their boyfriend and all this and all of this just seemed completely pointless to me. I, I, it was, I was very, very confused at that point. I started using drugs in my late teens, probably, which was older than than some people. And as Steve said, I could dance then, you know, it's that kind of thing.

So I was quite self-centered. I couldn't really it, nothing felt right. I started using drugs and it was like my whole world opened up for me and I liked using drugs. But this isn't about, you know, those early days. I always look at this, this journey before I came into the fellowship as a journey from hopefulness. And I was always hopeful when I was young, you know, even when I was using drugs to the point of hopelessness, which I got to

early days, I'm, I'm using drugs. Like Nick said, I'm young, you know, there's not many consequences. It's all great. I can function in the world a lot better.

I get on with people a lot better. And that feeling of pointlessness doesn't exist anymore. You know, I'm working on paying for, I'm paying for everything. But slowly the drugs start to become more important than anything else. I was not aware of really when I was young, I was not aware of what was going on in my head, how I was feeling. I thought that's how everybody felt, you know, how would I not, how would anyone know how, you know, if you feel differently? I, I wasn't aware of that. I know now in reflection

that I was different than other people, but you know, I, I was working, I had good prospects when I was young as well, believe it or not. I, I was in a full time job. I used drugs at the weekend, but the weekend started getting bigger and overtaking my whole week. So the weekends would expand and in the end I didn't have time to work. You know, the drugs become more important than that. So I I kind of left with a little bit of

a push from from my bosses because I wasn't performing very well at work. I left and I could devote my life to using drugs. But all the time I was hopeful. I just thought this is something I'm choosing to do.

This is a decision I'm making. I'm just being a little bit out there and a bit radical, you know, and going for it and, and being a bit of a face, which I thought I was, but I wasn't, you know, and it was like Nikki's always got something in her pocket. And I used to like all of that. I used to like that because I always thought that I would, when the time came, as other people have said, when the time came, I would stop using drugs. You know, if I found the, the partner or if I, if I found the job or if my mum got really, really cross, you know, if I had children, all of those things, you know, I would stop using drugs.

Umm, I remember my first, first attempt at, at stopping. I was just thinking about this when somebody who was speaking, my first attempt was at stopping, my partner phoned up my mum and said could you come and pick your daughter up 'cause I think she's having a nervous breakdown. And I remember my mother saying to me,

Nick, what's the matter? And I'm like, I don't know, you know, crying. And that hate took me. I was crying, but I was crying and that I don't know. I don't know what's the matter with me, you know? And it didn't feel, it didn't feel good, you know, I was completely confused. I used again, I used the only period of time when I stopped using was when I had my son. And I think that got me, got me through it. You know, I could stop for AI, could early days. I could stop for a period if there was good enough reason, you know. But in the back of my head, I remember those days. I was always saying, yeah, when he's so, when he's so old, when

is this old? I'll, I'll use again, you know, 'cause I still didn't think it was a problem. You know, obviously I used to gain and it started to take me into treatment centres. That's the only time really after that I ever cleaned up. First one I went in, I remember thinking this is, you know, actually I felt a bit of a fraud. I thought, I don't know, you know, I'm not that bad. I don't really need to be in there. And I remember sitting in a group and they're all sitting around talking about this. And I'm sitting there thinking, these poor people,

these poor people, you know, I'm just going to stop,

you know, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna leave out here. It would be madness to do what I've done previously. And I'm not mad. I'm sensible person. I'm not stupid. I'm gonna walk out and I ain't gonna use drugs anymore. An hour. That's what I lasted an hour. Because before I even got to the end of my treatment, you know, resentment was building up in, in, in me. Fear was building up in me. Hatred of everything, you know, just just that feeling that life. I didn't know how to manage life without drugs.

That was my story really for a for a quite a few years

in and out of treatment centres, you know, trying to clean up, thinking that this time it would be different thinking always not really wanting to stop completely. The, the, the thought of going through my life without using any drug drugs was a really frightening for, you know. So my idea was that I'd go in and I'd, I'd get, get me head around it, get a handle on it. And then when I, when I went out, I'd be much more sensible and I would just have that one

and I would just use at weekends. And I just have a little one, you know, I remember once I come out and I thought

my flats a mess, you know, I'll come out of treatments and then my flats a mess. I'm just gonna have a little bit just to tidy up,

just to tidy up because my life got to the point where I was living in complete filth and chaos. You know, that was my story, you know, to be honest, you know, I've said before, you know, I was the one that never washed her hair, had one dreadlock, you know, because my air saw water every three months if it was lucky, you know, because my drive to, to, I didn't care about what I looked like. I didn't care about anything like that, You know, that that's, that's what it was.

Yeah. I realised,

I think it was, you know, not this last treatment I was in, but the, the one previously. I realised that as much as I said to myself, you know, I'll come out and and I'll do that one. I knew that if I put that one in my body, I knew, you know, logically, if I put that one in my body, that there was no way that I was going to be able to go. That's just it. And I'm not going to have any more. I knew that it would always be. I'm just going to have it one once a week, once a week, you know, and I and I know that the day after I used, I'll be saying, yeah, but not this week,