The Recovery From Addiction convention in Plymouth, UK

My name is Ruth, and I am an addict.

Yeah. Welcome, everyone. It's it's great to see everyone here. When when I was asked to do this share, I I was kind of thinking, you know, what am I gonna say? What profound things can I say about

DAA? And, and then I thought, stop being so pompous and, you know, just just do your job, you know, and actually there is nothing more profound than the stories of, of how, you know, people like us have recovered,

you know, through DA and for a 12 step program. So that's basically what you're going to get. But you know, as reflecting last night on how this convention has been. And, and I do just want to say this, you know, I'm, I'm really impressed. I'm really, I'm impressed that the organization and the effort that people have put into this. And, and I'm equally impressed

at like the effect that this has had, you know,

for me personally, I, I, it just fills me with so much kind of hope and gladness to see, you know, there's people from, from Sweden, of course, from Blackpool, from London, from Cornwall, from all over the place, people who are, who are out there sharing this message, this and, and the fact that we're all doing the same kind of work, you know, we've all got a very simple message to share and one that we know works.

And, you know, and that's, that's been a really powerful thing for me.

And, you know, I just wanted to say that. So for myself, you know, I, I was using for many years and

I, I, I didn't think I had a problem until I tried to stop. You know, I took, took drugs and sometimes it was fun. Sometimes, you know, life was complete chaos and I was lurching from one crisis to another. But there wasn't really any problem in that, you know, I just thought that was what life was like.

And, you know, and I just kind of muddled through it and, and, you know, I would kind of get knocked down, but I would get up and brush myself off and carry on, which actually turned out to be one of my biggest problems.

But you know, when I got to a point where I wanted to stop, that's when it really got scary because suddenly I found that couldn't stop and that completely, you know, it turned into a whole different ball game.

And I often think of that, that

when that happened as being kind of much later on in my using, when I was physically addicted to drugs and, you know, life had had become this very closed space and, and very, you know, a lot of unpleasantness. But actually, you know, I was thinking yesterday that, that it went right back even in the early days of my using, when my daughter was born and, and I, and I couldn't cope with smoking cannabis because I, you know, had this little tiny

baby to look after. And I, and I would just get really paranoid and anxious every time I smoked cannabis. And I, I thought, I'm not going to do it. Well, I couldn't, I couldn't not do it every time someone passed a spliff round. And I was surrounded by, you know, I had surrounded myself with people who did all that. I, I just, I couldn't say no half the time I'd take it before I even, you know, before my brain even kicked in.

But you know, that was early on and I was able to kind of rationalise that away and and, you know, just carry on with what I was doing.

So, you know, it carried on for many years and until I got to this point where I was physically addicted to drugs. And, you know, I just really wanted to stop my life that I thought with drugs would be this really kind of big exciting, you know, expand your horizons kind of life had just turned into like a little room really and, and the curtains drawn and, you know, and really no life at all. And I could see that

and, and I wanted to stop using. I wanted to stop waking up every morning with that wrenching feeling in my gut about where was I going to get drugs from and what was going to happen today. You know,

I tried for many years to stop using and there were times when every single day I was going to stop. Every single day. You know, I would wake up in the morning and I'd think I'm not going to school today and I would lie on the bed and and writhe around and moan for a couple of hours, if that, and then phone Madela.

And and then there are other times where I thought this is just not going to happen and I might as well just get on with it and use and and maybe I'll die at some point and you know, what the hell. But really, you know, I wanted to stop and, and

I'm one of the lucky addicts, so I'm told he didn't end up in a rehab. You know, I, I, you know, I tried to battle this stuff on my own and I tried to kind of hold my life together into some sort of semblance.

You know, I worked and, and I

brought my daughter up and dragged her up, as the case may be. And you know, and I tried to kind of carry on with life. But, you know, I got to a point where I was completely beaten. I got to a point where, you know, today I'm so grateful for it. At the time I didn't feel very grateful. But you know, that that all that delusion, all that rationalisation, all that justification just fell away from me.

And, you know, consider myself incredibly lucky that that happened to me because that that was the kind of that was my step one experience was when I saw my life for what it really was. But I'd glimpses here and there, but I saw the whole picture in such a way that I could almost touch it. I could see, you know, I knew exactly what was going to happen. And, and that was the point at which I knew I was completely

doomed. I was out of ideas

and you know, I had nowhere to turn and it and it really was, you know, had to do something different or or die really, you know, those were the two choices.

And that was the point at which I turned to a group that I knew were working a program, a group that I knew was serious about what I, what they did and a group that I knew were, you know, did what they said. And, and you know

this as, as I said last night, you know, this, this group that I'd been avoiding like the plague for, for many years because I hadn't wanted to face up to myself. You know, I hadn't wanted to even admit how much of a problem that I had. But I was ready. I was ready once I'd really seen, you know, the, the, the depth and the breadth of my problem. And you know, I'm very, very fortunate, although

DAA wasn't, you know, we, we in England, we didn't have ADAA fellowship. But, you know, I went to a group who were doing

exactly they were doing then exactly what they're still doing now as DAA. They were working a, a simple program out of the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they were able to give me a very direct message and, and tell me exactly what it was. It was wrong with me. And I identified immediately, you know, after all the years I'd been looking for some answer to whatever this problem might be, that I couldn't even,

they said things that just fitted. I just knew they were right. And, and I had this, you know, just enough humility and willingness and faith to take on board what they said and, and start putting it into action in, in my life.

My life has never been the same since that day. It has changed for me beyond all recognition. You know, I have a completely different life today, a life, you know, I would say a life that, you know, I'd always dreamed of, except that I didn't even have dreams. I didn't have aspirations or ambitions. I was resigned to life previously. And, you know, I now have a life that is,

it has purpose, it has meaning. I'm, I'm very busy, you know, but I'm busy in the best possible way. I, I pack a lot into my life

and, and not only that, thank you, but I, I thoroughly enjoy it. You know, I'm able to kind of engage with the world in a meaningful way. And, you know, I'm able to carry on working this program in my life because that is the only way I'm going to keep this stuff is, is through continuing to, to, to practice these principles in all my affairs, you know, and why would I want to stop really?

Because right from the very start, when I was first given some basic suggestions, they started to work in my life. You know, the little bit of faith that, that I had, the little bit of, well, it's worked for them. Maybe it could work for me, turned into experience. You know, I did this and it worked. You know, I prayed and I felt calmer. I, I prayed and I was able to deal with this situation. I phoned somebody and I was able to, to get away from my own thinking, you know, these things

for me and, and, and that kind of drove me on to continue doing them. And they still work for me today. You know, I'm still self-centred, you know, and I still need to phone other people. I'm still self willed and I need to keep in touch with my sponsor and, you know, check out my thinking. I'm, I'm not immune to this stuff, but I know without any doubt in my mind that when I continue to do this stuff, my life is going to continue on the same lines it's been on for the last 6 1/2 years.

And let me tell you, I love it. You know, I really love it. You know, I couldn't wish for more in my life. And to say that it's been very simple,

it's probably what amazed me more than anything. You know, I'd always thought there was going to be some really complicated, convoluted kind of solution. I don't even know if I believe there was a solution, but treatment, I suppose, for whatever was wrong with me. And actually, you know, it's been very simple,

but it's been made all the more simple because I had a Home group who set an example to me and, you know, I have a fellowship, you know, and, and, and I'm part of something bigger. You know, I'm no longer I, I, I now recognise, thank God, that I am not the be all and end all. And, you know, I'm able to kind of get involved in something that, you know, lots of other people are doing and, and

that's a wonderful feeling, you know, that that kind of carries me along.

And I think my time is probably upside down. Rough this up. You know, it's, it's been a very, very simple program because this stuff has been placed in front of me in a, in a very simple way. And all I've had to do is follow instructions. And that's it really. It's, it's that simple. I'll leave it there. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I will now hand you over to Tommy, who's been asked to share his fear and strength and talk with us. Thank you.

Thanks, Simon. I'm tell me I'm recovered addict.

Hello,

this is a bit weird, I've never shared this early in the day,

I'm usually in bed by now, this time on a Sunday or thinking about having a coffee and a fag. But yeah, thank you for asking me to do this.

I

yeah, I was listening to Ruth there and I, I identified, you know, when I, when I first turned up to a meeting. I'm lucky. I should start with this. I regard myself as lucky. I wasn't in the 12 step fellowship was very long before I came across people that were talking just like Ruth has just spoken about, you know, talk talking with conviction and

informing me of of

what I was suffering with. I didn't understand what it was. I didn't understand what was going on in my life. I just I was just a massive warrior and

I I just regarded myself as as a bit of a depressive young man for for many, many years and

I

I found life difficult. I found life difficult being being who I am and feeling the way that I felt throughout my life. You know, it was AI often knew someone used this word chore and I liked it. So I've nicked it and it it you know, I've, I've found I've found life to be an absolute chore most of the time, from the moment I woke up in the morning. I

didn't wanna be part of this world. I didn't wanna have to interact with all those people that I have to interact with. And you know, because I just found it very, extremely difficult to, to not want to slap a lot of people. Quite frankly, most of the time, you know, I I would, I would find

most people in my life extremely irritating. And

I seem to kind of now have naturally been born with this, this propensity to want to regulate everyone and and correct everyone in my life. And and that, you know, that's kind of been with me since I was a child. I was doing that when I was a kid to all my mates or or you shouldn't be doing that or don't do that. You know, to to everyone. I'm knocking around with their plan, knock down Ginger and posting,

you know, stuff through people's letter boxes and

and putting bangers in it and you know it. And and I'm, you know, from a very early, early age. I can clearly recall, you know, me trying to stop my friends doing this sort of stuff, but then at the same time really enjoying it once it all goes off and people coming out the door, chasing us down the street. It was all fun then. But, you know, I just seem to have had this, this kind of natural

moral barometer that, that, you know, that, that

I don't know, I just kind of naturally always felt like I was right and everyone else was wrong, is what I'm saying. And oh, and yeah, that that followed me throughout my life. And I just felt, you know, I heard, I heard my sponsor talking about just feeling wrong. Most of the time. I just felt out of place. I felt like there was something deeply wrong with me and I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

I discovered drugs,

umm, which was brilliant. You know, it, it's like, like most of us have spoken about, you know, it just helped me to be able to deal with the way that I naturally feel. And

I,

I loved it, you know, for quite a long time. I went through various different stages, as we all do, you know, dancing with white gloves on and with whistles in my mouth and wearing weird brightly colored stuff. And then I went through a rock'n'roll period, you know, And

that was fun.

I, I just couldn't cope with, with how I naturally felt Is, is, is basically what I'm trying to say. And it, it was difficult, difficult being me. I felt very sorry for myself most of my life. I, I just had this natural feeling that the world owed me something. World owed me a living, you know, people. I wanted things to happen for me without putting any effort in to to try to attain

the jobs that are wanted or the career, you know, that I believe that I was born to do and, and all that sort of stuff. And you know,

I was, I was miserable a lot. I was, I was a miserable man quite a lot behind closed doors. When I, when I was out in public, I'd, I'd put on this facade, I'd try to pretend, try to, to make out. I was a very confident, very tough individual,

a sexy and all the rest of it. And beyond closed doors, I felt very inadequate

and I was extremely concerned about what you thought about me, how you saw me, how how other people perceived me in my life. And so I, I spent a lot of time trying to

convince you that, as I say, that I wasn't this frightened, lost,

confused young person, you know, and it, it took up a lot of my energy. You know, I wasted a lot of energy doing it. And

I, I carried on, I carried on using drugs. I, I had a lot of good times, but

as, as this, as

I want to do this disease, I, I, I

then started to have really, really bad times and, and not so happy times and, and in the end, you know,

I realised that I couldn't stop using drugs. I realised that I couldn't go out without using drugs. I couldn't do a lot of things without using drugs and

I didn't want to anymore. I really didn't want to and but I just couldn't stop doing it. Or I could stop for periods of time, but I just couldn't stay stopped. And

I, I ended up telling my parents what was going on and, and my mum actually helped me. First of all, she, she gave me a number to, to a place and I went there. It was, it was like a day release place. Done a lot of painting about how I'm feeling and

talking about all that sort of stuff, you know, triggers whatever, whatever that meant. I don't know. But I, I completed this thing and, and, and,

and then when I got, I even got a certificate to tell me that I'd completed it with me and this other guy called Animal

from Bermondsey.

Me and me and animal we

we celebrated getting through this course. His brother owned a limousine firm and and I ended up in the back of this limousine with animal and a few people use it to celebrate me getting through,

getting through that little period of my life and.

There's nothing profound about me, quite frankly. And you know, I'm not, I'm not gonna try and talk about this in a profound way. You know, I'll talk from the heart is, is what I was taught. You know, that's, that's what I related to when I first met my sponsor and a bunch of people that were talking about this disease.

They were armed with a fax as as, as we say. And, and I, I started to, as I said in the beginning of my share, I was lucky. I I, I wasn't around long before before I heard people talking about this disease

in a way that helps me to understand what I was dealing with because I didn't know, I had no clue, you know, I went, I went to treatment centres green as Kermit a frog. I'm I'm in these in, in these rehabs and I'm talking to my missus on the phone and she's saying, I said, what's it like? And, and I'm like, yeah, so right. As it happens, it's, you know, some, some lovely people in it. But Jesus, they've done some stuff in their life. And and I'm reeling off on the phone to my misses what these people have done. And and and and then in the feelings

next day, they say going around the room. How you feeling? Yeah, I'm really angry. I want to kill Tommy.

I came around a room and yeah, I want to kill Tommy. I'm like, shit,

what's going on here? And they come round. Are you feeling Tommy? I'm like, I'm blinding. Yeah, lovely. I'm yeah, yeah, I'm cracking. And

you know, I, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't like that place much. And but, but, you know,

I was, I guess, I guess I was introduced to, to the to the steps in these places. But you know,

I came out and I used again and

because I couldn't coat, I couldn't cope with the way that that that my faults made me feel. But anyway, so I turned up at this meeting only about a month of, of going round to,

to Centroset fellowships and I ended up hearing this guy. No way. I, I ended up hearing this guy talking about how peaceful he felt as a result of working a program and, and, you know, having a power greater than himself in his life. And I, I, I walked, I walked across from him and asked him to sponsor me. And, and, you know, I got on with, I got on with what I was told to do.

I discovered that I suffered with free fold illness and

I've started going through the work, you know, and as a result of doing that, I, I started to experience a sense of freedom that I've never known. You know, I felt imprisoned by my own mind and things started to change pretty pretty quickly. You know, obviously not quick enough at times for me, but I chose the kind of sponsor, you know, that that

didn't pull any punches. You know, he told me straight

and a lot of it stung at first. You know, I was a very arrogant man, very prideful man. Like I said in the beginning, you know, I think I know best always have done. But I, I, I understood that, you know, I admitted defeat and, and I understood, you know, I, I don't know if it was intuition, but I just knew how much trouble I was in. And then when, when, when I asked this guy just want to meet, he, he, he started to, to illustrate to me, you know, he taught me

what I was dealing with. And, and he taught me

that there was a way out. If if it's, if I just did this simple work, you know,

and I guess, I guess

as I said, I just intuitively knew that I was banging in trouble basically. And and I got on with this work. I started to make amends to people And and it's I've I've I've had a wonderful experience, You know, I've had a spiritual experience. I don't what what that means to me is, is that

I no longer walk around with that horrible feeling that that feeling that that fearful horrible, not in my stomach anymore. You know, that that was that was on me all the time. And you know, I'd, I'd have to go and take the edge off and have to have to start using and to try to feel normal. You know, I'll, I'll, I'd just like the way that it made me feel when I did it. And,

you know, as a result of doing this work on now feel as as that the most comfortable I've ever felt in inside. And

I, I,

you know, I never thought that the solution to this problem would be to, to try and help other people, you know, and you know, I, I,

how long have it got left?

What can I say? It's wonderful to be down here. I've been coming down here for,

I don't know, five years,

couple of times a year. I love coming down here and this is great,

this little event, this good stuff. And you know, I tried to help other people. Now I'm trying, you know, I take people through this work myself. I work with other people and, and what that does is, you know,

this power greater than me has restored me to sanny and

I, I sometimes get a still get a little bit wrapped up with these character defects and,

and, but you know, I, I, I use these spiritual tools that I was given that I was taught to use. And, and I do, I do it every day. I work a daily spiritual program

and as a result of that, I'm, I'm growing spiritually. I guess, you know, I would never be cured, but I am a recovered addict. I no longer use drinking drugs. You know, I, I

and I, I, I love life now. I wanted to end my life. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I couldn't see a way out before I started working a program. I could not see how I was going to be able to cope with the rest of my life feeling the way that I felt.

And I wanted to end it. You know, we've heard a lot of people talking about having suicidal faults and. And yeah, that that they played me for a long time fantasizing about it and, and

I, I don't do that anymore. I don't do that anymore. And

I I'm, I'm

I'm a grateful I'm a grateful person today. I've recently had the most unself centered holiday I've ever had. A I celebrated five years hanging off a parachute, six, 6 1/2 thousand foot up in the air. And

I'm afraid of heights. You know,

it was a wonderful experience. But the reason it was a wonderful experience was because as a result of, of doing this stuff, my partner, who I love, who was stuck by me through it all, now experiences a much better way of life as well as me, you know, And, but yeah, thank you for asking me to do this.

Sorry if it was a bit confused,

muddled, but yeah, I, I'm gonna do this for the rest of my life, you know, I don't wanna go back to that life. I don't. And I'll leave it there. Thanks.