The Montana area 3rd step conference in Bozeman, MT
I'm
an
alcoholic.
My
name
is
Nate.
I've
had
the
pleasure
of
getting
to
know
our
next
speaker
here,
Matt,
for
the
last
couple
of
years.
And
he's
been
a
real
power
of
example
in
my
life
as
far
as
the
embodiment
of
the
12
steps.
I
and
I'd
like
to
thank
him
for
coming
all
his
way
to
be
here
with
us
tonight.
And
I'd
also
like
to
thank
all
the
Bozeman
area
groups
that
have
made
this
possible.
A
lot
of
groups
came
together
to
make
this
happen,
and
this
is
phenomenal.
So
without
further
ado,
I'd
like
to
invite
you
guys
to
help
me
welcome
Matt
H
from
New
Hampshire.
Hi,
guys.
My
name
is
Madam,
an
alcoholic.
Thank
you,
Nate.
That
was
nice
to
hear
that,
umm,
it's
weird
you
guys
all
relate
to
this.
It's
weird
to
hear
things
like
that
about
myself
because
I
was
born
in
selfishness.
And
when
I
hear
something
nice
like
that
said
about
me,
I
still
don't
feel
like
it's
about
me.
I
don't.
It's
kind
of
strange
bouncing
through
some
shadow,
man.
Like,
no,
that's
not
me,
is
it?
I,
I'm,
I
grew
up
in
and
around
Boston,
MA.
I
lived
lots
of
places,
so
Massachusetts,
I,
I
met
this
guy.
He
gave
me
my
intro.
I
got
sober
in
Southern
California,
which
sounds
a
lot
nicer
than
it
is.
I
say
that
and
people
go,
oh,
I
was
homeless.
I
was
selling
my
blood
plasma
for
$15
a
pop.
You
can
do
that.
I
don't
recommend
it,
but
you
can
do
it.
I
had
nowhere
to
live.
I
was
in
terrible
physical
shape
and
I
I
had
been
trying
to
drink
myself
to
death
and
it
wasn't
working
out
for
me.
So
eventually
I
did
the
12
steps,
the
lessening
that
I
wanted
to
do
on
planet
Earth.
I
briefly
was
on
the
East
Coast
before
I,
I
left
the
country
again
and
go
work
abroad
when
I,
a
guy
who
was
instrumental
in
helping
me
get
better
called
me,
I
was
in
Boston
and
he
said
there's
this
punk
kid
who
thinks
he's
real
smart.
He
needs
someone
to
do
a
there
he
is.
He
needs
someone
to
do
an
8
step
list
with
him.
And
I
said,
all
right.
And
he
said
he's
in
Roxbury
right
now,
which
is
a
kind
of
tough
part
of
Boston.
And
I
went
to
pick
this
guy
up
and
it
was
funny.
I
heard
the
panelists
talk
today.
I
picked
him
up
to
do
an
eighth
step,
take
this
guy
through
the
book
around
the
8th
step.
And
all
he
wanted
to
do
for
two
hours
was
argue
about
the
existence
or
nonexistence
of
God
and
talk
about
the
clash.
And
that's
what
we
did
for
essentially
I
humored
this
guy
for
about
an
hour
and
a
half
with
his
ontological
and
cosmological
nonsense.
And
then
I
talked
about
the
clash
for
1/2
an
hour.
And
he
said,
so
listen
boy,
here's
the
thing.
You
can
keep
talking,
but
you're
not
going
to
make
it
very
long
in
this
neighborhood
unless
you
can
do
something
about
treating
your
alcoholism.
And
he
asked
me
to
sponsor
him.
And
I
brought
him
to
a
meeting
where
I
said
I
was
leaving
the
country.
I
said,
I
want
to
sponsor
you.
But
I
brought
him
to
a
meeting
in
the
back
of
a
medical
supply
warehouse.
It's
a
beautiful
place
to
have
a
meeting
because
it
was
very
scary.
There
was
disassembled
furniture
and
medical
waste
all
over
the
place.
No
coffee,
no
Donuts,
no
pastries.
A
bunch
of
hardcore
dudes
who
were
really,
really
into
getting
better
in
the
midst
of
all
this
garbage.
One
of
the
coolest
places
I've
ever
done
a
meeting
was
a
lot
of
fire
in
this
room.
There
was
a
circle
of
chairs
in
the
midst
of
a
mess,
which
is
symbolically
beautiful.
And
guys
would
come
in,
in
this
meeting,
in
the
first
where's
the
coffee?
We
don't
have
coffee.
You
got
pastries.
We
don't
have
you
don't
we
have
recovery
interested
in
that.
And
they
would
sit
down
and
be
fairly
terrified.
And
I
pointed
to
these
two
guys
and
I
said,
you
can
pick
him
or
him,
he
will
sponsor
you
or
he
will
sponsor
you
and
you
get
to
choose.
And
he
did
it.
And
I
try,
I
left
the
country
and
I
got
to
work
overseas
and
I
kept
tabs
on
the
boy
and
he's
done
real
well.
And
by
the
time
I
got
back,
he
came
to
visit
me.
He
was
instrumental,
especially
I
moved
back
to
New
Hampshire
and
he
was
living
there
and
he
was
instrumental
in
that
community
and,
and
helping
out
a
lot
of
young
guys
and
bringing
a
message
to
him
that
you
can
get
better.
You
can
get,
but
your
life
does
not
have
to
be
miserable
in
the
absence
of
alcohol.
And
he
was
a
really
important
guy
up
in
that
neighborhood
because
he
was
one
of
the
youngest
guys
around
to
be
bringing
that
message
to
him.
So
it's
he
said
I'm
an
inspiration.
It's
an
inspiration
for
me
to
see
guys
doing
it
at
that
age.
I'm
a
little
jealous,
to
be
honest
with
you.
I
missed
my
20s.
The
stuff
I
can
remember
from
my
20s,
I
kind
of
wish
I
don't
remember.
I'll
talk
a
little
bit
about
being
sick
and
then
I'll
talk
a
little
bit
about
what
I
did
to
get
better.
Again,
I'd
like
to
thank
you
all
for
having
me
out
here
and
let
me
be
of
service.
Everyone's
been
tremendously
nice.
Very
nice.
Very.
I'm
almost
intimidated
by
everyone's
niceness.
You
know
you're
from
Boston,
right?
You
know
exactly
what
I
mean.
I
went
to
the
grocery
store
today
and
the
girl
asked
me
how
I
was,
and
I
think
she
really
meant
it,
which
was
what?
I'm
not
shoplifting.
And
she
said,
how
are
you?
Good,
I'm
cool.
There's
none
in
there.
It's
beautiful.
So
it's
very
nice
for
me
to
be
out
here.
I,
I,
I
grew
up
around
this.
I've
been
going
to
AM
meetings
for
26
years.
I
am
34
years
old.
You
that's
real.
Some
guys,
some
of
you
in
the
room
know
exactly
how
that
happened
because
you
I
grew
up.
I
learned
to
do
math
homework
in
the
back
of
the
room
in
the
basement
of
a
hospital
filled
with
smoke
and
still
coffee.
I
I
come
from
a
big
clan
of
Alcoholics
and
drug
addicts
and
I've
been
going
to
a
meetings
since
I
was
a
little
kid.
This
never
seemed
weird
to
me
because
I
grew
up
in
it.
My
mom
had
us
going
to
Halatene,
which
is
a
lot
of
fun.
Guys
in
my
family,
like
my
father,
if
you
wanted
to
spend
time
with
them,
you
would
take
it
where
you
could
get
it.
And
the
truth
is
this,
I
could
get
that
time
that
I
wanted
with
these
guys
again
in
a
church
or
in
the
basement
of
a
hospital.
So
I
took
it,
you
know,
my
dad,
my
dad
was
a
Marine
and
my
dad
was
a
tough
guy
and
my
dad
was
a
smart
guy.
My
dad
was
a
real
bad
alcoholic.
My
dad
raised
my
mom's
whole
family
as
well
as
his
own
kids.
My
my
father
grew
up
the
he
was
the
oldest
of
six
boys.
His
father
was
Boston
cop
W
Rochester,
MA.
My
mother's
family,
who
were
great
people,
robbed
armored
cars
for
a
living.
That's
real.
So
my
father
and
mother
got
married
on
the
day
of
their
wedding.
What
they
did.
You
got
the
cop
over
here.
The
cop
side
of
the
family,
My
mother
and
father,
they
stayed
in
their
wedding
clothes
and
the
gown
and
the
tuxedo
and
went
to
Walpole
prison
so
that
my
grandfather
could
see
them
from
behind
three
inches
of
bulletproof
glass.
It's
real.
My,
my
dad
was
a
guy.
I
went
to
a
lot
of
meetings
with
him.
And
I
remember
when
I
was
a
kid,
I
saw
him
with
a
bunch
of
these
a,
a
guys.
You
know,
my
dad
was
Lebanese
and
he
had
a
little
camel,
gold
camel
around
his
neck
because
he
was
Arab
and
because,
you
know,
he
said
the
camel
can
go
a
long
time
without
a
drink.
My
dad
couldn't,
He
tried,
you
know,
I
love
him
for
it.
I
saw
him
with
these
a,
a
guys
who
are
at
the
house
and
I
always
thought
I
didn't
quite
understand
it,
but
I
thought
that's
kind
of
cool.
They
have
this
thing.
I,
I,
you
know,
that'd
be
kind
of
cool
to
have
something
like
that
someday.
Little
did
I
know
I
would
in
fact,
someday
have
something
like
that.
12
years
old.
My
father
was
coming
up
on
a
year,
which
was
a
magic
number
for
him.
He
could
not
hit
a
year.
My
dad
was
a
guy
in
the
80s.
He
put
himself
through
night
school
and
became
pretty
successful
guy
working
in
finance
and
he
drank
vodka
and
he
did
coke
like
everyone
did
in
the
80s
work
in
finance
and
he
went
home
about
3
days
early
from
vacation
and
he
was
coming
up
on
a
year
and
remember
this
was
pre
cell
phones.
There
was
a
time
when
cell
phones
did
not
exist
and
I'm
just
old
enough
to
make
those
kind
of
jokes
now.
I
kind
of
like
it
pre
Internet
jokes,
right?
And
my
mother,
I
could
always,
I
could
always
kind
of
figure
out
where
my
dad
was
at
by
my
mom's
pacing.
I
could
see
it
on
my
mom's
face.
I
could
I
could
read
how
my
father
was.
My
father
was
not
the
kind
of
guy
to
get
loaded
and
come
home.
My
dad
would
go
to
a
hotel
and
leave
for
five
days,
which
is
worse
in
many
ways
because
at
least
if
he
was
home
and
drunk
on
the
floor,
I
know
where
he
was.
But
when
he
was
gone,
you
never
knew
if
he
was
coming
back.
What
happened
at
12
was
we
came
home
and
I
saw
my
dad's
car
in
the
driveway
and
my
mom
just
turned
red
and
I
went,
oh,
I'll
fight.
And
I'll
never
forget
walking
by
his
Gray
grand
marquee.
And
in
the
back
seat,
I
saw
a
bottle
of
absolute
and
I
went,
oh,
man,
it's
going
well.
And
then
I
expected
to
hear
fighting.
And
instead
I
heard
screaming
and
screaming
and
screaming.
What
happened
was
my
dad
came
home
three
days
early
and
he
had
a
seizure
about
a
year
and
a
half
before.
And
the
doctors
told
him,
if
you,
if
you
keep
doing
this,
you're
probably
going
to
die.
And
he'd
come
home
about
a
year
and
he
relapsed
and
he
drank
and
he
did
coke
and
he
died.
And
he'd
been
in
that
bathroom
for
a
few
days.
And
it's
probably
the
worst
day
of
my
life
because
I
just
heard
my
mom
screaming
and
screaming
and
screaming.
And
my
brother
and
I
tried
to
get
in
the
house
and
my
mom,
with
the
force
of
a
bulldozer,
came
running
out
and
just
knocked
us
both
down
and
locked
the
door
and
locked
us
in.
Which
was
the
right
thing
to
do.
We
didn't
need
to
see
that.
What
happened
after
that
is
we
lost
our
house
in
our
car
and
our
stuff
and
our
place
to
live
and
everything
and
my
mother
being
a
St.
took
a
shitty
job
that
she
hated
working
60
hours
a
week
to
get
us
place
to
live.
And
this
kept
happening
to
me,
to
all
the
guys
in
my
family,
the
guys
who
replaced
my
Michael
Scotty
who
was
kind
of
like
my
older
brother
because
I
was
older
brother
happened
to
him
and
all
these
other
guys.
The
reason
I
say
that
is,
is
not
to
get
pity
from
you
because
I
bet
you
3/4
of
people
in
this
room
have
the
same
kind
of
family.
I
know
ominous
warning
which
I
failed
to
heed.
You
know,
when
I
was
a
kid,
I
did
not
plan
on
getting
high
or
drinking
ever
because
I
knew
it
was
bad
and
I
did
not
know
it
was
bad
because
a
DARE
officer
came
in
dressed
as
a
teddy
bear
saying
don't
do
drugs,
kids.
I
had
the
DARE
stuff
that
didn't
do
it
for
me.
You
bring
in
the
board
full
of
drugs
that
fascinated
me.
I
didn't
do
it
because
my
teacher
said
just
don't
drink
and
just
say
no.
I
didn't
do
it
because
Nancy
Reagan
was
on
the
television
told
me
not
to.
I
didn't
do
it
because
I
knew
that
you
get
bad
results
from
drinking
and
using.
The
bad
results
I
got
were
this
you
had
someone
at
your
high
school
graduation.
I
didn't.
The
bad
results
I
got
were
this
you
had
a
bike
and
I
didn't.
The
bad
results
I
got
were
this,
you
know,
you
had
someone
there
to
talk
to
you
about
dating
girls
and
I
didn't.
Again,
I
have
my
mom
is
great,
but
my
mom
tried
to
do
everything
and
again,
this
woman's
a
St.
to
me.
You
don't
want
the
sex
talk
from
your
mom.
I
assure
you,
my
brother
and
I,
she
sat
us
down
one
day
and
she
said,
listen,
you're
going
to
listen
to
me
and
I
we
thought
we
did
something
and
she
pulled
out
this
book
with
a
big
picture
and
I
won't
tell
you
what
was
on
it.
And
she
went
this
and
my
brother
and
I
went.
We
ran
for
our
lives.
She
tried
to
fill
him,
but
there's
some
things
he
need
a
guy
around
for.
My
mom.
My
mom's
got
three
siblings.
There's
four
of
them
there.
You've
got
3
widows
and
one
widower
whole
from
alcohols
and
drug
addiction.
It's
almost
every
one
of
my
family
and
I
swear
I
would
never
drink
or
use.
But
it
turns
out
that
I'm
an
alcoholic
and
and
by
the
time
I
found
alcohol,
I
was
already
pretty
sick.
In
fact,
I
didn't
know
how
much
pain
I
was
in
until
I
took
a
drink.
And
then
I
realized,
wow,
that's
medicinal.
The
first
time
I
got
loaded
was
in
a
basement
in
Dorchester,
MA.
And
we
all
got
booze
and
we
all
got
loaded
and
we
all
fell
down.
I
was
the
only
guy
to
come
out
of
a
blackout
and
walk
around
and
find
those
wounded
soldiers
and
I
had
choke
on
cigarette
butts
and
tobacco
spit
and
keep
going
for
it.
And
what
happened
to
me
as
I
drank
alcoholic
glue
for
a
little
while
and
then
I
stopped
drinking.
I
found
a
repair.
I
found
a
fix
for
my
alcoholism.
Someone
introduced
me
to
opiates.
Great,
don't
want
to
drink
when
I'm
on
opiates.
So
I
became
a
heroin
addict.
And
I
went
to
treatment
quite
a
bit
for
heroin
addiction.
And
that,
to
be
honest
with
you,
was
in
fact
my
first
love.
It
was
later
on
replaced
by
alcohol,
but
I
went
to
treatment
a
lot
as
a
heroin
addict.
And
I
played
this
game
with
myself
where
I
thought
I
could
drink.
Finally,
what
happened
to
me
in
the
90s
was
I
became
the
test
monkey
for
the
FDA
for
this
clinical
trial
for
a
new
drug
that
was
going
to
save
all
of
the
open
addicts
in
the
world.
And
they
said,
we're
going
to
give
this
drug.
I'm
one
of
the
first
guys
on
earth
to
take
this
drug.
I
want
to
mention
what
it
is.
They
said,
we'll
give
you
this
drug
every
day.
It's
going
to
take
away
your
your
craving
for
heroin.
And
so
long
as
you
don't
get
high
on
opiates,
you
get
to
stay
in
this
program.
Great.
So
for
10
months
I
took
this
drug
every
day.
I
did
not
crave
heroin
and
I
did
not
get
high
on
opiates.
But
I
learned
two
things
in
the
course
of
that
ten
months
that
changed
my
life
forever.
And
this
is
evidence,
by
the
way,
I
realized
later
on
that
what
I
suffer
from
is
truly
a
spiritual
malady.
My
problem
is
not
the
consumption
of
vodka.
Vodka
for
me
personally
is
medicinal.
It's
just
the
bitch
of
it
is
that
as
time
went
on,
I
found
the
efficacy
of
my
medicine
went
down
and
the
price
went
way,
way
up.
My
problems
with
spiritual
malady,
this
was
more
evidence
amounting
to
that.
For
10
months
I
did
not
get
high.
I
learned
two
things.
Number
one,
I
learned
that
you
could
inject
cocaine.
I
did
not
know
that
before.
Anyone
who's
tried
that
will
tell
you
that
is
not
a
hobby
with
any
longevity
to
it.
You
can't
do
that
for
a
very
long
time,
and
I
didn't
have
the
funds
to
do
it.
The
second
thing
I
learned
in
the
course
of
those
ten
months
is
what
really
changed
the
course
of
the
rest
of
my
existence.
I
learned
that
I
like
to
drink
vodka.
I
learned
that
I
like
to
drink
vodka
and
what
happened
was
I
finished
that
program
and
people
expect
you
to
go
right
back
to
the
dope
and
something
happened
to
me.
I
didn't.
I
stayed
with
vodka
because
I
figured
something
out
about
vodka.
For
me
personally,
vodka
is
dependable.
Dope
left
me
waiting
in
parking
lots
for
hours,
but
I
never
had
to
page
a
package
door
right
or
liquor
store.
I
don't
think
people
use
package
store
out
here.
I
never
got
to
the,
I
never
got
to
the
door
of
Blanchard's
liquor
store
and
had
it
locked
and
a
guy
page
me,
page
me
5
minutes,
5
minutes.
The
package
store
at
a
liquor
store
was
waiting
for
me
with
open
loving
arms
all
the
time.
It
was
there,
it
was
dependable.
And
the
truth
is
it's
cheap.
If
I
can
come
up
with
11
bucks,
I
can
get
a
plastic
handle
if
Mr.
Boston
or
pop
off
or
something
else
classy.
And
So
what
happened
is
I
started
to
drink
and
I
drank
and
I
drank
and
I
drank
and
I'm
a
blackout
drinker
and
it's
really
hard
for
me
to
control
it.
I
suffer
from
the
phenomenon
of
craving
and
it's
vicious
in
me,
a
very
little
control
of
how
much
I
put
my
body
when
I
start.
I
I
had
a
psychiatrist
at
the
time,
very,
very
wise
man
at
a
mine
like
a
steel
trap.
He
said
this
to
me.
I
sat
in
his
office
and
I
start
going
to
treatment
for
alcohol
after
I've
been
a
treatment
a
million
times
for
opiates
and
he
said
and
his
psychiatrist
way
as
he
postured
and
looked
around
he
said
jeez
jeez
mad.
It
seems
like
you
just
can't
stop
drinking.
There's
like
a
$200,000
education
right
there
that
got
him
to
say
it
seems
like
you
just
can't
stop
drinking.
And
I
went
what
you
just
came
up
with
that.
Now
you
didn't
have
to
consult
some
sort
of
Freudian
textbook
for
that.
And
So
what
he
did
was
he
he
put
me
on
an
abuse.
You
guys
ever
take
Ant
abuse
in
here?
Antabuse
of
course
is
a
little
pill
that
you
take
and
when
you
drink
on
anti
abuse,
you
get
sick
again.
This
is
I'm
a
guy
by
the
way.
I've
gone
to
detox
a
lot.
I've
gone
to
treatment
a
lot,
I've
gone
IOPA
lot,
I've
got
a
rehab
a
lot.
I've
been
locked
up
and
I've
been
a
whole
lot
of
mental
hospitals.
How
many,
Matt?
I
really
don't
have
a
number
for
you.
It's
that
many.
Honest
to
God,
I
don't
have
a
number.
It's
that
many.
And
for
years
and
years
and
years,
what
people
told
me
was
your
problem
is
that
you're
shooting
dope.
I
stopped
shooting
dope.
And
then
people
told
me
this.
Your
problem
is
that
you
consume
vodka
and
take
Klonopin
all
the
time.
Fair
enough.
So
what
would
happen
to
me
is
I
would
go
to
detox
for
seven
days
and
then
they
would
ship
me
off
to
Happy
Acre
Farms
or
wherever
I
would
go
for
28
days.
I
would
do
trigger
lists,
drop
pictures
of
my
disease,
and
they
would
spit
me
out.
The
some
people
have
done
this
all.
You
know
what
I
mean?
They
would
spit
me
back
out
into
my
life.
And
at
this
point
in
time,
I'm
at
454647
days
free
of
alcohol.
According
to
that
logic,
if
my
problem,
if
my
problem
is
the
consumption
of
vodka,
then
at
47
days
I
should
feel
OK.
Maybe
not
even
great,
but
just
okay.
But
by
that
logic,
every
day
that
I
do
not
drink,
my
life
should
get
progressively
better
until
we
get
to
like
day
60.
I
should
jump
out
of
bed
and
cartoon
Bluebird
should
fly
into
my
window
and
land.
I
should
Mary
Poppins
business
and
rainbows
shooting
out
of
my
ass
or
whatever.
This
did
not
happen
for
me.
This
did
not
happen.
What
happened
to
me
was
very
confusing.
My
life
got
progressively
worse
every
day
in
the
absence
of
alcohol
where
it
counts,
up
here
and
in
here,
to
the
point
where
one
of
two
things
would
happen
#1
my
psychic
pain
would
get
so
bad
that
I
would
say
screw
it,
I
don't
care.
My
third
meeting
of
the
day,
I'm
about
to
shoot
myself
in
the
head.
I've
been
locked
up
in
mental
hospitals.
Luckily
I
have
no
access
to
guns
and
someone
tells
me
just
don't
drink
just
for
today.
And
I
want
to
cry,
to
be
honest
with
you,
I
want
to
cry.
A
lot
of
people
say
this
may
be
mad
and
I
wanted
that.
I
wanted
to
cry
because
I'm,
I'm
saying
I'm
doing
it,
man.
But
it's
getting
worse
for
me.
And
what
I
would
do
is
I
would
walk
down
Center
St.
to
go
home
and
I
would
say
if
this
is
it,
if
this
is
happy
Joyce
and
free,
if
this
is
what
you
were
promising
me,
I
am
opting
out
right
now.
I
don't
want
anything
to
do
with
it.
And
I
would
go
in
and
I
would
buy
a
bottle
and
what
would
happen?
Of
course,
I
would
enter
into
the
well
known
stages
of
the
spray
emerging
remorse
for
the
firm
resolution
not
to
drink
or
use
again
only
because
I
had
to
sit
in
the
consequences
of
my
actions.
The
second
thing
that
would
happen
to
me,
and
this
is
more
mysterious,
is
I
would
find
myself
at
a
bar
and
as
the
second
shot
of
Maker's
Mark,
as
that
warmth
spread
to
my
extremities,
I
would
be
returned
to
sanity.
I
would
reach
down
and
I
would
feel
the
small
metal
circle
in
my
pocket
that
was
my
sixty
day
chip,
my
two-month
chip.
And
I
would
say
what
the
hell
did
you
just
do?
What
did
you
just
do?
And
it
was
like
getting
on
that
roller
coaster
again
when
you
don't
even
like
roller
coasters
and
everyone
just
talked
to
getting
on
it.
Why
did
I
do
that?
Why
did
I
do
that?
And
this
would
start
the
cycle
over
and
over
again.
I'm
baffled
and
confused.
This
man
tells
me
your
problem
is
the
consumption
of
alcohol.
We're
going
to
give
you
a
pill
that
gets
you
to
stop
drinking
alcohol.
Or
at
least
you
can
try,
but
you're
going
to
vomit.
I
took
the
pill.
I,
I
played.
I
was
working
as
a
professional
musician
at
the
time.
I
was
trying
to.
This
was
near
the
end
of
my
active
career
as
a
professional
musician.
I'll
never
forget
this
night.
I
played
at
a
bar,
a
place
called
Metronome,
the
big
square
bar.
And
I
finished,
finished
my
set
and
I
sat
down
at
the
bar
and
ordered
my
Pepsi.
And
I
played
a
little
game
with
myself
that
you've
all
played
where
you
convinced
yourself
you're
feeling
better
already.
I
sat
down
drinking
my
and
I
feel
bad,
man.
Muscle
tones
coming
back,
whoever
can't.
When
I
looked
at
the
other
people
at
the
bar.
And
I
did
that
little
game
where
I
said,
God,
that
used
to
be
me.
Look
at
these
people
look
like
fools,
don't
they?
I'm
so
happy
I'm
not
that.
I
looked
across
the
bar.
My
bass
player
guy
named
Dan
was
over
there
drinking
and
talking
to
a
girl
that
he
would
inevitably
go
home
with.
And
I
convinced
myself
I
didn't
miss
this
at
all.
Right?
That
looks
awful,
what
he's
doing
over
there.
And
I
remember
thinking
I'm
not
going
to
drink
him
on
the
interviews.
And
if
I
drink
on
the
interviews,
of
course
I'll
get
sick
and
therefore
I'm
not
going
to
drink.
And
then
a
little
voice
came
in
on
my
head
and
it
said,
I
wonder
how
sick.
And
then
the
other
boys
kicked
in.
And
it
said,
you
know,
you
should
know.
You
should
know.
My
theory
was
this.
You
know,
the
invisible
fence
for
the
dog.
You
put
the
collar
on
the
dog.
You
want,
you
want
Sparky
to
run
into
that
thing
a
few
times
and
he
knows
you
don't
screw
with
the
invisible
fence,
right?
The
only
way
you
can
learn
where
the
demarcation
is
is
to
do
it.
And
so
the
voice
said,
you
should
know
what
the
consequences
of
drinking
on
interviews
are.
And
you
know
what?
I
hope
it's
really
bad.
It
serves
you
right.
This
is
me
talking
to
me
because
I'm
psychotic.
And
so
I
remember
this
girl
behind
the
bar.
I
can
still
see
it
in
my
mind's
eye,
this
big
square
bar.
I
even
remember
the
side
I
said,
and
by
the
way,
this
is
a
girl
that
I
talked
to
for
45
minutes
telling
her
about
how
I'm
not
drinking.
And
I
now
feel
so
much
better.
That's
why
I'm
on
the
Pepsi.
And
I
said,
hey,
you
know
what?
And
I
thought
of
the
most
benign
drink
I
could
think
of,
a
whiskey
sour.
It's
like
a
soda
pop.
It's
all
soda
mix.
Who
drinks
that,
right?
And
I
said,
give
me
a
give
me
a
whiskey
sour.
And
she
kind
of
looked
at
me
a
little
strange
because
I
occupied
3/4
of
an
hour
of
her
life
talking
about
I
feel
much
better
now.
And
she
said
yeah.
And
I
said,
yeah,
which
is
whiskey
sour.
It's
nothing.
It's
nothing
to
digest
teeth.
And
she
said,
all
right.
And
she
went.
I
said,
no,
not,
I'm
on
an
abuse.
Don't
reach
up
there
paying
for
anything.
If
you
reach
for
it,
come
down
to
the
well.
I'm
going
to
give
it
back
to
you
in
10
minutes.
And
I
remember
she
reached
down
on
the
well
and
she
poured
me
a
whiskey
siren.
I
drank
the
whiskey
sour.
And
of
course,
if
you've
ever
drunk
on
anti
abuse,
you
know
you
get
sick.
I
went
in
the
bathroom,
right?
The
dry
heaves.
It
was
very
uncomfortable.
I
think
I
may
have
broken
a
river
too,
and
I
puked.
I
got
to
be
honest
with
you,
by
that
point,
my
life
in
my
mid
20s,
I'm
a
guy
who'd
spent
a
considerable
amount
of
time
in
opiate
withdrawals.
I'm
pretty
good
at
vomiting.
If
it's
an
Olympic
sport,
I
would
bring
home
the
gold
every
four
years.
I
vomit
like
you.
Use
punctuation.
I
can
hit
a
Pepsi
can
from
30
meters.
And
what
I
did
was
I
had
a
girlfriend
at
the
time,
she
was
a
tough
Italian
girl
from
East
Boston
and
she
every
morning
she
would
make
me
take
my
interviews.
Like
you're
giving
the
dog
a
pill,
she'd
make
me
swallow
it,
being
clever.
What
I
did
was
I
replaced
all
those
pills
with
allergy
medication,
which
cleared
me
up
as
well.
And
I
continue
to
drink
and,
and
what
happened
was
my,
my,
my
drinking
progressed
and
it
got
pretty
bad.
And
I,
I
would
go
to
meetings
where
people
would
tell
me,
you
know,
I,
I,
like
I
said,
I
grew
up
around
a,
but
I
grew
up
around
a
certain
brand
of
a,
a
that
you
may
be
familiar
with.
I
grew
up
with
this
kind
of
culture
of
meeting
attendance.
And
what
I
mean
by
that
is
go
to
meetings
and
just
don't
drink
just
for
today
that
that
works
for
certain
people.
And
I'm
not
telling
you
not
to
do
that
if
that
works
for
you.
People
always
take
this
as
a
battle
cry.
That
guy
said
don't
go
to
meetings.
And
I've
never
said
that.
I'm
not
saying
that.
Let's
just
get
it
right
now
so
you
don't
have
to
come
up
and
be
offended
after
the
meeting.
I'm
not
telling
you
not
to
go
to
meetings.
I
go
to
meetings.
What
I'm
saying
is
this
going
to
meetings
for
me
personally
is
not
a
treatment
for
my
alcoholism.
I
needed
to
change
as
a
person.
I,
I
would
go
to
meetings
and
I
would
still
feel
bad
and
I
would
go
to
more
meetings
and
I
would
still
feel
bad.
And
for
me
personally,
it
got
to
the
point
where
I
couldn't
tolerate
it
anymore.
I
just
couldn't
tolerate
it
anymore.
I
would
go
to
rehab.
I
would
go
to
detox
to
go
to
rehab.
I
do
an
ILPI
get
out
and
I'm
restless,
man.
You
haven't
fixed
me.
You've
taken
away
the
one
thing
on
planet
earth
that
gives
me
ease
and
comfort.
You've
left
me
in
the
wasteland.
You
have
literally
parachuted
me
into
the
desert.
You've
not
fixed
me
at
all.
Admittedly,
again,
my
medicine,
alcohol,
it's
gotten
awfully
expensive,
and
I
mean
consequences,
not
money
wise.
And
admittedly
it
does
not
work
the
way
that
it
used
to
work.
But
the
truth
is,
this
is
the
only
thing
that
does
it.
You
haven't
offered
me
a
real
replacement.
So
I
get
spit
back
out
onto
the
street.
I
need
something.
I
am
restless.
Restlessness
to
me
we
talk
about
rid.
Restlessness
to
me
is
not
this,
it's
not
this.
Restlessness
to
me
is.
I
have
no
ease
and
comfort.
The
first
thing
I
personally
go
for,
I
go
for
a
woman.
It's
a
relationship
for
me
is
number
one.
So
I
will
paint
a
target
on
some
poor
girl.
Hopefully
she
had
an
absentee
father
and
low
self
esteem
because
she's
easy
to
manipulate.
I'm
being
honest,
right?
I'm
being
honest.
I
throw
a
lot
of
words
at
her.
I
make
a
lot
of
promises
that
I
can't
possibly
deliver
on
and
I
have
a
New
Girl
in
my
life
and
do
I
get
ease
and
comfort
from
it.
You
put
7
to
14
days
till
a
novelty
wears
off,
to
be
honest
with
you.
7
if
you
have
a
nice
apartment,
Hopefully
6
channels
of
HBO.
I'm
moving
in
quickly
by
the
way.
I
do
for
about
a
week
and
a
half.
I
used
to
get
a
new
girlfriend
and
I
would
get
OK,
I'm
feeling
good.
This
is
great.
But
see
the
thing
that
I
figured
it
out.
That's
got
a
short
shelf
life.
Novelty
gets
old
after
a
while,
then
it's
not
novel
anymore.
And
what
would
happen
is,
you
know,
I'm
bored
with
you
now,
except
the
problem
is,
see,
when
I
would
finish
a
bottle,
I
get
to
throw
a
bottle
away,
right?
And
recycle,
hopefully,
right?
The
problem
is
now
you're
not
doing
it
for
me
anymore.
You're
not
fixing
me.
But
now
I'm
stuck
with
you
and
you
want
to
talk
about
your
mother
and
the
girl
in
the
next
cubicle
and
your
boring
life.
And
I
can't
stand
you.
My
God,
what
did
I
do?
So
I'm
crazy,
so
I
need
something.
So
the
second
thing
I
usually
go
to
is
meeting
attendance.
And
I
would
start
going
to
meetings.
And
when
I
say
I
would
go
to
meetings,
I
went
to
meetings
that
I
used
to
go
to,
which
there
there
was
very
little
talk
of
getting
better.
He
would
come
in
and
you
would
talk
about
how
you
sat
in
the
parking
lot
and
infanticized
about
a
drink
and
clutched
your
steering
wheel
until
your
fingers
were
bleeding
and
cried.
And
thank
God
I
made
it
into
the
room,
which
is
fine.
If
someone
else
says,
hey,
man,
there's
a
way
that
you
don't
have
to
feel
like
that
anymore.
But
instead,
the
second
guy
would
say
him
too.
And
then
the
third
guy
would
raise
his
hand
and
talk
about
how
he
almost
rammed
into
the
little
old
lady
in
front
of
him
today
because
she
stopped
at
a
yellow
light
and
he
screamed
in
the
car
and
punched
the
dashboard
7
times
when
he
noticed
there
was
a
plaque
with
the
serenity
prayer
and
he
said
the
serenity
prayer
and
he
did
not
rear
end
a
little
old
lady
on
purpose.
That
is
progress.
That's
crazy.
That's
really
crazy.
I
would
go
to
meetings
like
that
and
I'll
tell
you,
I'll
be
honest
with
you
for
a
week
or
so,
I
would
get
some
relief
from
going.
I
get
this
view,
some
nonsense
I
heard
some
other
dude
said
a
week
ago.
I
get
it
wrong.
I
got
a
couple
buddies
I
connect
with,
right?
Guys
like
this
grew
up
with
guys
like
him.
You're
from
Idaho
or
somewhere.
Anything
for
me
that's
east
of
Boston
is
it's
all
the
same.
But
I
talked
to
you
for
5
minutes.
I
know
you.
You
probably
got
that
feeling
about
me
and
that's
why
I
could
sit
down
very
comfortably
with
this
dude.
All
this
whole
table
over
here,
very
comfortable
with
all
these
people.
It's
my
people,
right?
Talk
to
this
guy,
I
might
as
well
known
him
my
whole
life.
I
hook
up
with
some
guys
like
him.
We
go
to
the
meeting
afterwards,
we
go
out
for
coffee.
It's
fun
'cause
we
make
fun
of
people
at
the
meeting.
That's
what
we
do.
But
after
a
week
or
so,
I
get
a
little
bit.
It's
not
doing
it
for
me
anymore
because
we
go
to
a
lot
of
meetings
together
and
we're
Bros
and
all.
But
the
problem
is
this.
You
say
three
things,
that's
all.
You
have
3
little
quotes.
No
matter
what
the
topic
of
the
open
meeting
is,
I
know
you
will
find
some
way
to
stitch
it
into
the
fabric
of
that
meeting.
I
can
now
lip
sync
with
you.
I
want
to
punch
you.
I
can't
take
it.
So
what
happens
is
the
next
thing
I
do
is
I
go
to
the
gym.
I
listen
to
loud
angry
music
and
I
lift
heavy
weights.
This
is
not
an
effective
way
to
deal
with
resentment.
I
assure
you.
Some
of
you
guys
have
tried
that.
It
doesn't
work.
I
leave
the
gym,
I
feel
good.
That's
it,
man.
I
just
need
to
get
back
in
shape
again.
After
a
week
that
wears
off
too.
So
my
brother
gets
me
a
job
and
I
start
making
a
little
money
and
someone
says
you
got
a
little
money
in
your
pocket,
you'll
feel
better.
You
can
go
buy
some
new
black
shirts
and
a
big
TV.
That's
all
I
wear
is
black,
so
I
own
black
shirts.
I
do
that,
but
what
do
I
find?
It's
not
doing
it
for
me.
So
I
end
up
talking
to
a
guy
at
a
desperation
of
meeting
and
I
say
I'm
just
going
insane.
And
you
know,
I'm
going
to
be
honest
with
you
here
at
this
meeting
for
60
minutes
in
one
of
the
smash
my
face
off
of
the
table
meetings
are
really
starting
to
kill
me.
And
what's
the
advice
I
get?
Sounds
like
you
need
to
up
the
meetings.
I'll
be
honest
with
you,
I'm
desperate.
So
I
up
the
meeting.
So
now
I'm
doing
2
meetings
a
day
and
I'm
going
to
the
gym
and
my,
my
deadlift
is
going
through
the
roof,
which
is
great.
You
weren't
doing
it
for
me.
So
now
I
have
another
girl
'cause
that's
not
going
to
add
to
your
problems
at
all.
It's
still
not
working
for
me.
So
what
would
happen
is
I,
you
know,
I
showed
up
at
the
doctor's
office
and
I
say
doc,
you
know,
I'm,
I'm
alcoholic.
They
tell
me
I'm
an
alcoholic
and
you
know
I
haven't
had
a
drink
in
60
days.
And
the
problem
is
this.
I
can't
sleep
for
three
days
at
a
time
and
when
I
finally
get
to
sleep
it's
for
three
days
at
a
time.
I
have
an
8
second
attention
span.
My
life
is
characterized
by
periods
where
I
feel
nothing
at
all.
I
am
like
a
robot
man.
I'm
an
Android.
I
can
think
of
dead
puppies
and
it
doesn't
produce
a
tear.
That's
interspersed
with
periods
of
complete
emotional
irrational.
I
fly
off
the
handle
for
apparently
no
reason
and
do
very
stupid
things.
Let
Geddon
fight
with
cops.
I
really
do
that.
I've
never
won
a
fight
with
a
cop,
by
the
way.
Cops
always
win.
I
always
lose.
Always,
every
single
time
the
doctor
hears
these
symptoms.
And
then
for
me
personally,
again,
my
faith
for
most
of
my
life
was
in
chemistry,
not
God.
With
good
reason.
Chemistry
worked
for
me,
God
didn't,
at
least
what
I
called
God.
Vodka
never
lets
me
down.
So
when
the
doctor
says
I
have
products
to
treat
all
the
things
that
you
are
to
the
talking
about,
I'd
like
to
blame
the
doctor.
I'd
like
to
say
the
evil
doctors
put
me
on
all
sorts
of
medications
to
treat
my
alcohols.
And
the
truth
is,
I
jumped
at
the
opportunity
to
use
chemistry
to
treat
what
ultimately
turned
out
to
be
a
spiritual
malady.
And
I
did
that
for
years.
And
I
know
the
PDR
inside
and
out,
and
I
know
the
DSM
4
inside
and
out.
And
I
took
all
these
things.
And
they
may
work
for
some
people
again,
but
they
don't
work
for
me,
right?
And
like
the
book
says,
we're
going
to
talk
about
religion.
We're
going
to
talk
about
psychiatry.
Even
though
those
are
very
thorny
issues.
These
are
the
ways
that
I
tried
to
treat
a
spiritual
malady.
That's
my
personal
experience.
I
would
take
these
very
powerful
medications
and
then
I
would
totally
disregard
the
little
label
that
says
do
not
consume
alcohol
because
it
has
a
little
martini
glass
and
I'm
going
to
drink
9
Heinekens,
9
martini.
I
don't
own
glassware,
I
would
drink
and
what
happened
is
I
started
to
do
really
crazy
things
and
the
state
of
Massachusetts
put
a
stamp
on
my
head.
That's
a
crazy
man.
I
started
to
get
locked
up
in
mental
hospital.
So
I
was
diagnosed
as
having
bipolar
one
and
later
on
I
was
diagnosed
as
having
schizoaffective
disorder,
which
is
the
real
deal.
That
means
you're
a
real
crazy
person.
I
didn't
mind
in
the
beginning.
I'll
be
honest
with
you.
I
don't
have
those
diseases.
By
the
way,
I
started
to
treat
my
alcoholism
and
next
week
will
be
two,
on
February
6th
will
be
6-6
years.
I
have
taken
nothing
stronger
than
and
here's
here's
the
impressive
thing
about
that
it's
two
weeks
it'll
be
six
years
that
I
have
not
suffered
from
the
obsession
to
take
a
drink.
I
have
not
thought
about
it
for
one
second
to
take
a
drug
to
walk
into
traffic
to
harm
another
human
being
and
here's
the
really
impressive
part
ready.
I
am
relatively
happy
every
single
day
pretty
amazing.
I
give
a
normal
person
happen
to
walk
by
and
hear
that
they
wouldn't
be
impressed.
I'd
say
that's
rather
scary
everyone
in
this
room
though
that's
that's
something
I'm
impressed
with
that
you
know
I
had
very
little
to
do
with
that.
I
had
to
do
some
footwork,
but
there
was
an
act
of
grace
there
as
presence
of
God
that
did
that
for
me.
And
I'm
actually
happy
to
be
alive
today,
which
is
a
miracle
because
I
used
to
look
at
life
as
a
curse.
That's
what
it
was
for
me.
Every
day
was
a
curse.
I
read
a
line
by
Dostoyevsky
and
he
says
consciousness
is
a
disease.
I
read
that
and
I
went,
I
should
have
been
born
in
Russia.
That
makes
sense,
made
sense
to
me.
You
know,
what
happened
was
I
started
to
get
locked
up
in
mental
hospitals
quite
frequently.
And
this
sounds
really
weird,
but
I
actually
took
some
comfort
in
it,
you
see,
because
I
had
all
these
people
telling
me
that
my
problem
was
the
consumption
of
vodka.
And
I
would
stop
consuming
vodka
and
I'd
hear
people
say,
I
come
to
two
meetings
a
day.
I
only
need
one,
but
I
don't
know
which
one
it
is.
And
they're
no
one
laughs.
I've
heard
that
joke
a
million
times.
No
funny
anymore.
And
then
they
would
say
this,
I
come
to
a
meeting
to
remind
me
not
to
drink.
And
so
long
as
I
don't
drink,
my
life
gets
better.
Now
I
got
a
93
highly
wide
Glide.
You
know,
all
the
guys
around
where
I
live
get
motorcycles
when
they
get
sober.
And
I
got
a
Boston
Whaler
and
I
just
put
a
down
payment
on
a
condo.
Thank
you.
This
baffled
me
because
I'm
pretty
sure
my
problem
is
not
a
lack
of
motorcycle
ownership.
Again,
against
motorcycles,
I
just
don't
want
one.
And
a
bass
boat.
I'm
a
vegetarian,
I
have
no
use
for
a
bass
boat.
And
I
know
you
bought
a
condo.
I
got
a
real
bad
credit
rating,
I
committed
a
lot
of
crimes
around
that
thing
and
I
got
no
way
anyones
giving
me
a
house
right?
But
this
baffled
me
because
it
sound
more
like
Amway
than
a
A.
You
come
to
a
meeting
every
day
and
then
you
you
unfurl
this
list
of
possessions
you've
acquired
since
you've
been
coming
to
these
meetings.
That's
a
pyramid
scheme,
man.
What's
going
on?
This
starts
to
really
baffle
me.
So
when
someone
put
the
stamp
of
legitimate
crazy
guy
on
my
head,
I
said,
well,
at
least
it
makes
some
sense,
right?
Because
I
don't
drink
and
I
get
worse.
Don't
get
me
wrong,
I
get
better
in
a
couple
of
ways.
Financially,
I'll
usually
get
better
because
I
go
to
a
job
for
a
little
while.
Physically,
you
know,
I'll
start
to
heal
and
in
fact,
I
may
even
be
brushing
my
teeth.
I
have
a
clean
shirt
on.
I'm
not
sleeping
in
Boston
Commons,
so
there's
no
leaves
or
debris
in
my
hair.
I
bumped
into
a
girl,
I
used
to
date
one,
so
I
went
on
one
day
with
her,
let's
be
honest,
on
Mass
Ave.
And
I
remember
trying
to
act
all
cool.
I
was
a
street
guy
at
the
time
and
she
looked
really
scared
and
freaked
out
and
I
made-up
a
job.
I
think
it
was
advertising.
Why
not?
If
you're
gonna
make
up
a
job,
treat
yourself
right.
And
I'll
never
forget
on
the
corner
of
Mass
Ave.
and
Boyles
in
the
street,
and
this
guy
went
out
with
this
girl
once
and
she
never
called
me
back.
Surprised.
And
now
I'm
doing
really
bad
again.
And
I
said,
yeah,
you
know,
I've
just
been
working
a
lot.
It's
a
big
hours,
but
you
notice
you
want
the
big
paycheck,
you
get
the
big
hours.
And
she
was
like,
I
have
to
go.
And
I
looked
in
my
reflection
on
the
glass
in
one
of
these
buildings
on
Mass
Ave.
and
I
literally
had
leaves
and
debris
in
my
hair.
So
I
don't
think
I
pulled
that
off.
She
didn't
go
for
it.
So
what
happens
is
I
start
to
I
do
look
better
if
you
bump
into
me
on
the
street.
I
look
better.
If
you
don't
talk
to
me
for
any
longer
than
3
minutes,
you'll
think
I'm
doing
better.
Maddie,
you
look
good.
What,
are
you
going
back
to
meetings,
man?
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Good,
Good.
You
look
great.
And
when
you
go
home
that
night,
you'll
even
say,
hey,
I
saw
Matt
today.
He
looks
really
great.
He's
going
back
to
the
meetings.
He
looks
good.
Great.
I'm
happy
to
hear.
But
see,
the
problem
is
this
where
it
counts.
In
here
and
in
here,
I'm
getting
worse
every
day.
And
then
I
relapse.
And
The
funny
thing
is
this.
All
these
people
around
me
who
aren't
alcoholic,
they're
surprised
they
say
this.
I
just
saw
him
and
he
was
doing
so
good
because
the
three
minutes
I
saw
you,
I
looked
good.
I
got
a
clean
shirt
on,
brush
teeth,
brush
a
shaven
right.
You're
surprised
because
you
think
I
was
doing
well.
I
was
getting
progressively
sicker
every
day.
It's
just
a
matter
of
time.
It's
no
surprise
to
me.
And
if
you
know
me,
if
you
live
with
me,
if
you
are
my
girlfriend,
it's
no
surprise.
You're
surprised
I
made
it
that
long
when
I
can
fight
it
for
50
days
or
55
days?
The
problem
is
this.
I'm
coming
home
from
my
second
meeting,
and
that
thought
creeps
into
my
head,
Right?
No
one's
gonna
know.
No
one's
gonna
know.
The
truth
is
this,
no
one
understands
because
no
one
has
ever
felt
the
pain
that
you
felt,
man.
My
pain
is
special,
by
the
way.
It's
worse
than
any
of
yours.
No
one's
ever
been
like
that.
Know
what?
You've
got
to
slow
it
down
up
here.
You
need.
Look,
you
can
get
a
pint.
You
can
go
to
the
Arboretum,
you
can
sit
down,
smoke
a
few,
but
no
one's
going
to
know.
And
you
know
what?
Your
program's
going
to
get
better
as
a
result.
Because,
you
know,
you
can't
take
this
stress.
And
if
you
relapse
from
stress,
it's
going
to
be
really
catastrophic.
But
if
you
can
sneak
off
and
just
drink
for
a
few
hours,
you
can
get
a
vacation
up
here.
Just
kind
of,
it's
a
pressure
valve,
man.
It's
a
pressure
valve.
And
I
know
that
most
of
these
people
consider
that
a
relapse,
but
you
know
what
it
really
is?
And
I
go,
no,
no,
no,
no,
no.
And
I
feel
my
little
chip
in
my
pocket
and
I
start
walking
home
and
I'm
fighting.
I'm
fighting
this
obsession.
I'm
fighting
these
recurring
intrusive
thoughts
that
I
don't
want
in
there
is
the
truth.
I
don't
want
them,
but
they're
coming
back.
And
I
don't
know
about
for
you
guys,
but
for
me
personally,
it
takes
99.9%
of
my
mental
faculties
to
fight
those
thoughts.
And
if
you
are
my
brother,
if
you
are
my
girlfriend,
if
you
are
my
friend,
if
you
are
my
employer
and
you
require,
say,
2%
of
my
love,
attention
or
energy
that
is
not
available.
And
I
assure
you,
you
will
see
what
your
ability
is.
I
am
not
a
nice
guy.
I
got
a
90
day
chip
in
my
pocket.
You
don't
want
to
be
around
me.
You
come
home
and
ask
me
a
very
simple
question
like
oh
you
didn't
get
to
mill
the
electric
bill.
I
even
left
you
a
check
drawn
from
my
account
because
I
go
to
work
where
you
don't
go
on
this
and
I
turn
around
like
the
devil
and
snap
and
I
say
I
went
to
two
meetings
today
for
you
because
you
asked
me
to.
I
am
miserable.
I'm
miserable.
And
the
truth
is
this
about
me.
If
I
can
get
a
few
secret
little
drinks
in
the
day
that
I
do
relapse
and
I
get
a
couple
drinks
in
there,
I
brush
my
teeth
9
times.
I
eat
all
of
that
garlic
hummus
that's
in
the
refrigerator.
I
am
a
sweetheart
on
that
day.
You
come
home
that
day.
This
is
the
first
relief
I've
had
in
three
months.
I
miss
you,
baby.
You
look
so
pretty.
I
forgot
how
pretty
you
were.
Tell
me
about
work
today.
And
here's
a
really
scary
thing.
Ready.
I'm
actually
interested
in
what
you
have
to
say.
I
got
a
little
relief.
I'll
actually
listen
to
you.
I
can.
I'll
have
a
conversation.
I'll
listen
to
the
horribly
boring
things
you
have
to
say
about
the
girl
next
to
you
in
work
and
how
that
plant
was
a
gift
from
the
boss
to
both
of
you
and
you
should
really
go
in
between
the
cubicles
and
blah,
blah,
blah.
I
can't
take
that
when
I'm
sober,
but
now
that
I
have
a
little
relief
in
my
head,
slow
down.
Tell
me
more.
Really.
No,
you're
right.
This
is
fascinating.
I
have.
I'm
interested.
I
love
you
again.
I
love
you
again,
right?
For
a
couple
days.
I'm
a
real
sweetheart.
If
I
can
make
it
past
that
point,
I
will
eventually,
at
1:00
in
the
morning,
come
home.
2
meetings,
two
hours
at
the
gym,
10
hours
of
work,
come
home
at
1:00
AM.
And
the
truth
is
this.
I'm
too
physically
exhausted
to
get
the
cap
off
a
bottle
of
Stoli
or
a
bottle
of
Klonopin
and
I
lie
in
bed
going
Happy
Joyce,
happy
Joyce,
happy
Joyce
free,
happy
Joyce,
free.
And
And
what
would
happen
to
me
is
this
thought
would
come
and
it
would
crush
me
like
1000
LB
stone.
It
would
say,
who
are
you
kidding?
And
I'm
going,
this
is
what
it's
about.
This
is
body.
You're
fighting,
you're
fighting,
you're
fighting.
Who
are
you
kidding?
And
I
go,
you
did
it.
And
I
give
myself
a
big
mental
pad
on
the
back
and
it's
you're
a
success.
You
didn't
take
a
drink
today.
You're
a
success.
And
then
this
other
thought
would
come
like
a
2000
LB
stone
and
it
would
say,
yeah,
buddy.
And
guess
what?
You
have
to
do
it
again
tomorrow
ready
and
the
next
day
ready
and
your
next
birthday
ready
and
next
Christmas
in
five
years
from
now
if
you
make
it
that
long.
And
that
would
be
the
one
that
crushed
me.
That
for
me
is
discontentedness.
And
I
would
say
I
can't,
I
just
can't
and
I
don't
want
it.
And
I
would
opt
out
and
I
would
relapse
in
my
bed.
I
1:00
AM
long
before
I
touch
a
drink.
If
this
is
happy,
Joyce,
and
free,
if
this
is
what
you're
promising
me,
I
am
not
interested.
I
am
not
interested
and
I
pick
up
a
drink.
And
the
truth
is
this,
I
get
relief.
I
get
ease
and
comfort
from
a
drink.
Again,
granted,
not
as
much
as
I
used
to
get,
but
still
more
than
anything
that
you're
offering
me.
The
problem
about
that
is
when
I
start
drinking,
of
course,
I
cannot
stop
and
I
get
in
trouble.
And
then
you
send
me
out
to
dry
out
somewhere,
and
then
you
send
me
off
to
Happy
Trails
Farms
to
do
trigger
lists.
And
then
you
say
you're
fixed,
Maddie.
And
then
you
drop
me
right
back
in
the
desert.
You
haven't
replaced
that.
I
got.
I
get
a
powerful
sense
of
ease
and
comfort.
There's
a
line
and
Bill
story.
Bill
talks
about
losing
all
of
his
money,
and
he
talks
about
his
contemporaries,
which
we
historically
know
lost
their
family
fortunes.
And
what
do
they
do?
They
jumped
from
the
towers
of
High
Finance,
right?
Bill
goes
to
the
bar,
and
what
happens?
OK,
it's
not
that
bad.
It's
not
that
bad.
And
that's
how
I
felt.
I
felt
like
this.
You
could
drop
me
into
a
war
zone.
You
could
drop
me
into
downtown
Mogadishu
with
bullets
whizzing
by
my
head.
If
you
give
me
smokes
and
vodka,
I'm
all
right.
I
hit
the
ground.
OK.
Could
be
worse.
Lisa,
it's
not
cold
here.
They
could
have
put
me
somewhere
cold,
right?
That's
a
powerful
source
of
ease
and
comfort.
And
the
truth
is,
for
me,
if
you
take
that
away
from
me,
you
need
to
replace
it
with
something
equally
as
powerful.
You
have
to
give
me
something
else
you
can't
just
take
it
away
from.
You
haven't
fixed
me.
And
when
you
give
me
something
like
antibuse,
all
you've
done
really
is
just
castrated
my
source
of
ease
and
comfort.
That's
all
you've
done.
You
haven't
fixed
me
at
all.
I
got
to
a
point
where
I
gave
up.
I,
I
mentally
threw
in
the
towel
like
some
of
you
have
in
this
room,
had
been
through
the
ringer
countless
times.
I
did
not
want
to
be
alive
anymore.
I
did
not
want
to
be
alive
anymore.
I
gave
up.
My
will
to
live
was
shrinking.
I
kept
waking
up
strapped
the
tables
with
charcoal
all
over
my
shirt
and
a
nice
nurse
going.
It's
going
to
be
OK,
sweetie.
I'm
going
to
give
you
a
little
chunk
of
wisdom.
If
you
wake
up
strapped
to
a
table
with
charcoal
all
over
your
shirt,
nothing
is
going
to
be
all
right
for
a
long
time.
I
assure
you.
I
don't
know
how
these
nurses
came
up
with
that.
No,
it's
not
true.
Things
are
getting
incredibly
bad.
Actually,
it's
going
to
be
really
bad,
right?
And
what
happened
was
I,
I
was
living
in
a
I
was
in
a
shelter
and
I
was
on
the
street
and
I
was
physically
sick.
I
was,
my
health
was
suffering.
And
I
have
an
aunt.
She's
an,
she's
a
non
drug
addict,
non
alcoholic,
one
of
the
only
ones
in
the
family.
She
works
in
treatment.
Wow,
right.
How'd
that
happen?
And
I
had
begged
her
for
help
over
the
years
many
times.
And
she
had
given
me
help
and
I
burned
her
and
I
burned
all
my
bridges
and
I
lied
and
I
embarrassed
her
and
I
begged
her
for
help
and
she
said
no
help
left
buddy.
There's
no
one
left.
Sorry.
And
I
went
to
a
detox
again,
familiar
place
for
me.
I
spend
more
time
with
a
wristband
on
the
knot.
And
I
talked
to
her
and
she
said
there's
there's
a
place
you
can
go
when
you
can
hang
out
up
there.
It's
very
different.
It's
not
really
a
treatment
center.
It's
way
up
in
the
woods.
It's
a
little
more
telling
these
guys
very
different
and
and
at
the
time
I
said,
no,
I'm
all
set.
And
she
said,
listen,
you
have
no
way
to
feed
yourself.
You're
sick
and
you
have
nowhere
to
sleep
by
virtue
of
the
fact
that
I'm
going
to
give
you
3
meals
a
day
in
a
bed.
I
would
go
there
and
I
want
this
place
sounds
different.
Maybe
I'll
try
it.
And
they
let
me
go
out
there
for
free
and
I
went
up
there
and
this
wasn't
a
treatment
center
per
SE.
These
guys
was
a
little
retreat
in
the
woods
and
these
guys
read
the
big
book.
And
I
got
there
and
right
off
the
bat,
some
guy
came
out
and
he
said,
welcome,
brother
in
the
right
place.
And
I
went
cult.
Oh,
shit,
cults.
OK,
maybe
I
can
work
them
for
money.
And
I
was
pretty
blown
out
at
the
time.
I
was
not
in
good
mental
shape,
and
I
didn't
pay
very
much
attention
to
almost
anything.
What
happened
was
something
that
changed
my
life
forever.
Near
the
end
of
that,
I
heard
a
guy
speak
who
later
became
my
sponsor.
I
heard
this
guy
talking.
He
said
something
that
I'd
never
heard
before.
He
talked
about
getting
physically
sober
and
then
he
talked
about
being
an
A,
A
out
in
Seattle
for
six
months.
And
he
said
I
was
going
to
two
meetings
a
day,
six
months.
OK,
I've
heard
this
all
before.
And
then
he
said
something
that
was
heresy
where
I
come
from.
He
said
in
my
life
in
many
ways
got
worse
as
a
result.
And
I
went
what?
He
said,
I
went
to
two
meetings
a
day
and
I
got
sicker
again.
I
was
shocked.
I
said,
you
can't
say
that
you
can
get
beaten
up
after
this
thing.
I'm
telling
you
right
now,
someone
will
beat
you
up
and
I'll
jump
you
in
the
parking
lot.
You
cannot.
That's
heresy.
And
then
he
started
describing,
he
talked
very
little,
by
the
way,
about
his
drinking
and
jogging.
Very
little.
He
taught.
He
made
one
funny
joke
about
how
he'd
go
for
a
jog
and
be
sober
and
then
say,
I'd
like
to
reward
myself
with
a
nice
cold
vodka
because
that's
what
people
do
after
they
jog.
And
that
one
vodka
would
turn
into
it.
And
I
related
that.
But
this
is
what
I
what
really
hit
me.
He
talked
about
what
it
looked
like
inside
his
head
when
he
was
desperately
trying
to
not
drink.
And
I
went,
Oh
my
God,
he's
talking
about
what's
wrong
with
me.
Doctors
have
told
me
it's
this
and
it's
this
and
it's
this
and
whatever
he's
talking
about
is
wrong
me.
I
got
to
see
what
it
is
and
and
this
man
blew
me
away.
And
I
went
to
talk
to
him
afterwards
and
I
said
what
you
were
talking
about
is
what's
wrong
with
me.
Later
on
I
come
to
find
out
it's
alcoholism
and
this
guy
impressed
me
and
I
said
you,
please,
man,
you
have
to
tell
me
you
have
to
this
what
you're
talking
about
is
what
I
don't
need
the
vodka
is
nothing.
I
need
a
cure
for
what
you
were
talking
about,
please.
And
in
a
nutshell,
he
said
God,
step
work,
spirituality.
And
I
went,
this
is
serious.
Don't
screw
with
me.
I
am
on.
And
he
and
he
kind
of
shook
his
head
and
he's
again,
he
said,
this
is
it
man,
God
steppers
picture.
And
I
went,
look,
I
know
you
have
to
say
that
in
these
circles,
but
I'm
I'm
I'm
well
traveled
and
well
read.
I'm
a
pretty
sharp
guy.
You
can
just
level
with
me
and
tell
me
the
real
deal.
We
can
and
I'll,
I'll
tell
them
that
you
said
it
was
God
and
he
said
that's
it.
I,
I
couldn't
wrap
my
head
around
that
at
that
point
in
time.
I'll
be
honest
with
you,
because
when
I
came
into
this,
I
considered
myself
to
be
an
atheist.
I
didn't
want
to
be
an
atheist.
I,
I
grew
up
my
whole
life
Catholic
schools,
they,
they
told
me
about
God
and
I
went
out
in
the
world
and
I
believed
what
they
said.
But
but
what,
what
happened
was
I,
the
evidence
of
my
senses
led
me
to
a
different
place.
You
know,
I
gave
up.
And
so
a
senior
year
of
high
school,
I,
I
opted
out
of
mass,
which
is
a
big
deal
if
you
go
to
a
Catholic
High
School,
right?
I
went
up
to
brother
Dan.
I
said,
Brother
Dan,
I
don't
believe
in
this
anymore.
And
I
think
it's
more
disrespectful
for
me
to
come
up
and
take
your
holy
NIL
away
for
I
didn't
say
that
because
I
didn't
want
to
get
punched
with
a
Notre
Dame
ring.
That
really
happened.
And
I
just
said,
I
can't
do
this,
man.
This
is
I
don't
believe.
I
think
it's
more
disrespectful
for
me
to
fake
it.
And
I
had
a
pretty
progressive
bunch
of
guys
who
taught
me
for
Catholic
monks.
They
were
progressive
dudes.
And
he
said,
good
luck.
I
hope
you
find
whatever
you're
looking
for.
And
what
I
did
was
I
started
to
look
another
places.
I
had
always
been
spiritually
hungry.
And
I
got
a
chance
to
study
some
philosophy
and
some
theology.
And
I
looked,
I
traveled,
I
saw
people
lecture,
I
saw
teachers.
I
sat
in
meditation.
I
went
out
to
the
desert
and
did
tremendously
kooky
things.
I
would
go
all
the
time
to
the
bookstore.
I
am
the
guy
at
the
bookstore
reading
spiritual
literature
and
later
shoplifting
it.
They
call
it
liberating
it
why
they
making
money
off
of
it?
There's
no
right.
It's
wrong
for
them
to
do
this.
Steal
some
magazines
too.
That'll
punitive
measures
against
them.
I
would
get
fired
up.
I
knew
it.
But
by
the
time
I
did
step
work,
by
the
way,
I
was
fairly
well
versed,
more
than
your
average
dude
in
spiritual
literature
by
far.
But
I
came
into
this
an
atheist.
At
least
I
thought
myself
to
be
an
atheist
because
I
went
out
there.
You
see,
I
thought
I
looked.
I
said,
look,
I
I'm
not
the
guy
who
wants
to
shoot
you
down
and
have
intellectual
arguments.
I'm
the
guy
who's
desperately
waiting
for
you
to
show
me
something.
I'm
the
guy
who's
showing
up
for
lectures
hoping
that
they'll
say
that
guy's
in
real
pain.
The
rest
of
these
clowns,
we
just
need
a
buck
from
them.
And
I
was
hoping
you'd
come
get
me
and
say
we
know
that
you're
the
real
deal
in
your
series.
Take
me
in
the
backroom
and
show
me
a
guy
levitating
or
juggling.
I
don't
know
anything.
Show
me
something
real.
But
the
truth
is,
I
wondered
literally
the
earth
and
I'm
finding
things.
So
when
I
when
I
got
to
the
steps,
I
said,
look,
here's
the
bad
news.
Sorry
to
be
the
guy
to
deliver
it.
It's
not
out
there.
I've
looked
later
on,
I
come
to
find
something
out.
I
had
a
fatal
flaw
in
my
logic.
Not
finding
what
you're
looking
for
is
not
the
same
as
disproving
the
existence
of
that
thing.
I
confuse
those
two
things.
You
see,
that's
why
I
say
I
thought
I
was
an
atheist,
thought
I
was
an
atheist.
I
got
to
spend
a
few
days
with
this
guy
and
he
he
impressed
me
and
this
is
what
impressed
me
by
the
way,
not
seeing
him
in
a
meeting
because
you
all
know
you
want
to
be
impressive
in
a
meeting.
Read
3A
a
history
books
and
learn
some
Doctor
Bob
quotes.
It's
easy,
right?
Who
said
I
think
it
was
I'm
on
the
panel.
Maybe
Melinda
for
a
very
impressive
people
on
the
panel
tonight.
By
the
way,
I
don't
give
compliments
lately,
but
all
of
you
guys
very
authentic,
very
impressive.
You
know,
it's
easy
for
me
to
show
up
and
be
a
hero
with
you
guys.
10
minutes,
we
chat,
we
smoke
a
butt.
I
throw
some
Doctor
Bob
quote
out.
You
know,
Bob
once
said,
and
everyone
goes,
this
guy's
good.
He
knows
a
lot
about
Doctor
Bob.
Let's
see
you
all
know
that.
It's
really
how,
how
is
my
home
life,
right?
I
come
from
a
big
crazy
family.
How
do
I
act
around
my
alcoholic
family
members
who
drive
me
nuts,
right?
How
do
I
deal
with
a
sick
person?
How
do
I
do
with
a
sponsee
who's
torturing
me,
right?
How
do
I
deal
with
someone
I
don't
like?
That's
that's
where
it
is.
And
I
got
to
see
this
man.
I
got
to
see
how
he
drove,
which
is
a
good
indicator
of
spiritual
fitness,
especially
in
the
city
of
Boston,
right?
I
got
to
see
how
this
was
what
impressed
me,
how
he
talked
to
the
girl
at
the
cash
register
at
Hannaford's
at
the
supermarket,
because
we're
in
the
East
Coast.
We're
not
nice
like
you
guys
are
here.
We're
mean,
right?
And
he
was
nice,
nice
to
this
good.
And
this
is
what
really
impressed
me.
I
heard
his
fiance
later
to
come
call
him
and
his
wife
call.
And
I
couldn't
hear
what
she
was
saying,
but
I
could
hear
the
tone
of
her
voice
and
it
was
angry
woman
tone.
And
I
went
here
we
go,
let's
see
now.
And
he
went,
no,
you're
right,
you're
right.
No,
I'm
sorry.
Can
I
listen?
I'm
going
to
call
you
back.
I
apologize.
I'm
with
and
I
went,
he
had
something,
I
couldn't
put
my
finger
on
it.
And
what
happened
was
I,
I
started
to
go
through
the
big
book
and
this
blew
my
mind
because
see,
I
thought
I
knew
something
about
a
A.
I've
been
around
a
A
my
whole
life.
I
know
more
about
a
A
than
you
do.
Someone
takes
me
through
the
doctor's
opinion
and
it
lit
me
up
like
a
Christmas
tree.
I've
been
a
treatment
literally
countless
times.
I've
been
a
countless
IOPS.
I've
been
a
countless
detoxes.
I've
been
locked
up
a
whole
bunch
where
they
forced
me
to
do
trigger
lists,
right.
I
did
a
trigger
list
once
because
I
was
in
a
place
where
I
couldn't
leave
even
if
I
wanted
to.
Inconvenient,
and
I
put
some
heart
into
it
out
of
boredom.
My
trigger
list
looks
like
a
Russian
novel.
It's
900
pages
long.
It
consists
of
any
situation
a
man
or
woman
may
find
here
himself
on.
My
trigger
is.
I
came
to
find
this
out.
My
trigger
is
consciousness.
If
I'm
awake,
I'm
in
danger
of
getting
drunk.
He
takes
me
through.
It's
very
true.
You
can
do
that
little
thought
experiment
on
your
own
and
see
if
that's
true
for
you.
It
was
for
me.
So
I
threw
out
this
business
of
triggers.
I
don't
have
triggers.
If
I'm
I've
done
it
on
a
Tuesday,
a
Wednesday,
a
Saturday,
and
Valentine's
Day,
early
evening,
late
afternoon,
7
AM,
12:00
PM,
you
name
it,
I've
I
I
drink.
That's
it.
Someone
takes
me
to
the
doctor's
opinion,
and
this
is
the
first
time
in
my
life
someone
puts
accurate
names
on
what
is
wrong
with
me.
Someone
talks
about
allergy,
my
abnormal
reaction
to
alcohol.
I
have
a
girlfriend,
she
grew
up
on
a
she
grew
up
on
a
little
village
on
the
Slovak
border.
They
make
slivel
bits
of
which
is
1000
proof
plum
Brandy
that
will
burn
off
your
eyebrows
if
you
simply
smell
it
and
they
make
wine.
This
is
strong.
I
by
the
way,
I'm,
I
don't
drink
and
I'm
a
vegetarian
for
two
different
reasons.
Obviously
I
go
out
to
visit
them.
I'm
an
alien
to
them.
I
might
as
well
be
a
Martian.
They
grow
their
own
food.
They
live
in
a
farm.
They
make
sausages
to
pride
and
joy.
I
don't
eat
it.
They're
baffled.
And
then
they
come
out
to
bring
me
their
homemade
liquor.
I
don't
drink
it.
They're,
they
have
no
idea
what
to
do
with
me.
She
drinks
1/2
a
glass
of
wine
and
I
say
you
going
to
finish
that
and
she
goes,
same
answer.
She
goes,
Oh
no,
I
starting
to
feel
it.
I'm
sorry.
What?
You
see
at
7:00
PM,
this
is
a
normal
reaction.
Alcohol,
you
ready?
It's
7:00
PM.
She
drinks
1/2
a
glass
of
wine.
She
starts
to
feel
the
booze
because
this
is
a
person.
This
is
baffling.
She
likes
the
taste
of
wine
with
food,
but
when
the
alcohol
kicks
in,
she
says
to
herself,
it's
seven.
If
I
have
a
whole
glass,
I'm
going
to
get
sleepy.
The
rest
of
the
night
won't
be
fun.
I'll
be
falling
asleep.
She
stops.
I
don't
relate
to
that.
Another
normal
reaction
to
alcohol
is
my
friends
who
love
to
drink
non
alkies.
They're
a
lush,
but
they're
not
an
alky.
You
guys
know
the
difference.
Some
of
these
guys
even
have
Duis.
By
the
way,
I
have
a
lot
of
friends
who
have
Duis
who
are
not
Alcoholics.
They
have
one
DUI
because
that
DUI
was
enough
consequences
had
manifested
to
a
sufficient
degree
to
get
those
guys
to
reel
it
in.
Because
they
have
that
ability
on
a
Friday
night,
I
guarantee
you
these
guys
will
be
snot
hanging
drunk.
That's
what
they
do,
right?
Normal
reaction
alcohol.
They
have
a
shot
and
a
pint.
What
do
they
want
after
the
shot
in
the
pint?
They
want
another
round.
What
do
they
want
after
the
second
round?
They
want
a
third.
What
after
the
third?
Smoke
a
butt,
talk
to
a
cute
girl,
Have
a
cheeseburger,
have
1/5.
OK,
I
drink
like
that.
No,
the
difference
is
this.
If
their
girlfriend
calls,
of
course,
and
says
Mr.
Fluffy
Paws
has
been
hit
by
a
car,
you
have
to
come
home
right
away.
They
have
the
ability
to
stop.
They
can
say,
look,
I
didn't
really
like
the
cat,
but
I
love
my
girlfriend
and
I'd
love
to
hang
and
I'd
really
like
to
drink
until
I'm
on
the
ground,
but
I
got
to
go
home
where
she's
gonna
kill
me.
They
have
that
ability
to
stop
on
a
dime.
I've
never
had
that.
My
she
called
the
cat
got
hit
by
a
car
just
like
get
a
shovel.
I'll
be
I
can
and
like
most
of
you
guys,
if
I
do
go
home,
I
will
go
to
the
bar
and
I
will
say
give
me
two
double
S
of
makers
and
the
guy
I
can't
give
you
double
S
in
the
state,
give
me
4
singles
and
makers.
I
have
friends
coming
and
I
#
them
and
I
go,
joke's
on
you,
I
don't
have
any
friends.
And
I
go
home
and
if
I'm,
if
I'm
still
on
my
two
legs,
I
will
help
clean
the
cat
up.
But
as
soon
as
I'm
done,
I'm
going
to
the
freezer
because
there's
a
bottle
of
Citron
in
the
freezer
and
I'm
going
to
drink
it
at
home.
I
can't
stop.
And
someone
explains
that
to
me
and
it
literally
explained
half
of
my
life.
Literally
half
of
my
life.
Every
time
I've
said
just
one,
it
turns
into
time
travel.
I'm
rocketed
into
next
Tuesday.
And
of
course,
everyone
knows
that
the
real
price
of
time
travel
is
not
plutonium
for
the
flux
capacitor
like
they
had
in
that
movie.
The
real
price
of
time
travel
in
my
case
is
this.
I
am
held
accountable
for
all
sorts
of
stuff
that
I
really
don't
remember
doing
right.
People
tell
me
these
things.
My
I
broke
up
on
my
younger
brother
on
top
of
me
once.
Who's
my,
my
younger
brother
is
much
tougher
than
me,
which
is
embarrassing
but
true.
My
younger
brother
on
top
of
me,
younger
brother's
a
tough
guy.
I'm
not
a
tough
guy.
I
grew
up
around
tough
guys.
I
know
I'm
not.
And
he
woke
on
top
of
me
and
he's
going,
where
is
Karen's
car?
Where
is
Karen's
car?
That
was
his
girlfriend
that
I
lived
with.
And
apparently
what
happened
is
I
lost
her
car
and
I
went
what
are
you
doing
in
my
room?
You
are
in
the
hallway
and
the
stairs
in
the
wrong
building.
Where
is
Karens
car?
Are
you
sure
I
had
it?
You
sure
it
was
me?
It
was
me.
This
explains
half
of
my
life
that
was
true.
They
found
in
front
of
a
bar.
Surprise.
Really.
This
explains
half
of
my
life.
And
then
someone
talks
to
me
about
obsession.
Obsession.
Something
that
is,
in
fact,
more
powerful
than
that.
I
can't
fight
with
my
thinking.
This
explains
all
those
times
that
I
find
myself,
after
the
booze
kicks
in,
in
a
parking
lot,
the
sweat
of
my
hands
soaking
into
that
coarse
texture
of
a
brown
paper
bag
and
the
warmth
spreading.
Outgoing,
What
did
you
do?
Here
we
go
again,
man.
Here
we
go
again.
Think
through
the
drink.
How
do
you
think
they're
a
state
of
mind
that
is
characterized
by
the
absence
of
all
reasonable
and
rational
thought.
This
was
what
drove
me
crazy.
People
would
say
think
through
the
drink
and
I
would
reflect
and
I
would
say,
do
there
are
times
I
don't
think
at
all.
I
just
find
myself
drinking.
What
do
I
do
about
those
times?
Call
your
sponsor
first.
Again,
I
don't
think
you
understand.
I'm
not
thinking
about
anything.
What
do
I
do
about
those
times?
And
what
about
the
times
when
it
comes
into
my
head
and
it
says,
that's
just
a
glass
of
red
wine,
man,
and
you're
at
a
wedding.
And
the
truth
is
that
wine
is
far
more
on
the
juice
end
of
the
spectrum
than
the
booze
end.
And
it's
packed
with
antioxidants.
And
I
don't
really
know
what
those
are,
but
they're
supposed
to
be
good
for
you.
So
you
should
really
do
this.
And
the
truth
is
this.
It's
not
an
open
bar.
It's
not
like
I
have
access
to
open
flowing
booze,
right?
That's
all
ridiculous.
And
in
fact,
I
have
overwhelming
evidence
that
says
if
you
touch
a
glass
of
red
wine,
you're
a
goner,
You're
in
detox
or
handcuffs,
guaranteed.
I
have
overwhelming
evidence.
And
yet
what
happens?
I
believe
something
that's
ridiculous,
and
I
go,
I
can
do
it.
You
know
what?
They're
just
about
to
serve
dinner
here,
and
it's
a
wedding.
And
I
know
people
here,
and
I
promised
her
I
wouldn't
get.
You
know
what?
That's
enough.
The
pressure
of
people
being
mad
at
me
will
keep
me
sober.
Yeah,
that's
ridiculous.
And
I
take
a
drink
and
what
happens?
Here
we
go
again.
And
someone
explained
to
me
what
it
meant
to
be
restless,
irritable
discontent.
What
it
meant
to
have
a
spiritual
malady
when
you're
trying
desperately
not
to
drink.
And
this
guy
drew
this
out
in
front
of
my
big
book,
and
then
he
put
two
arrows
in
a
circle
and
he
said,
this
is
the
cycle
that
we
recover
from.
And
then
we
went
back
to
this
title
page.
And
the
first
thing
this
guy
had
me
doing,
this
is
the
first
thing
I
do
when
I
sponsor
somebody.
We
open
that
title
page.
And
he
made
me
underline
a
word.
He
made
me
underline
the
word
recovered.
Recovered.
He
said,
you
see
that
word?
And
I
went,
I
was
afraid
of
that
word,
'cause
you're
in
recovery
or
you're
recovering,
right?
And
in
fact,
the
meetings
I
went
to,
if
I
use
the
word
recovered,
people
would
like
take
off
their
shoes
and
throw
them
at
me.
You
don't
get
away
with
that.
And
he
pointed
to
that
word
and
I
was
kind
of
afraid
of
it.
I
went,
is
it
possible?
Yeah.
And
he
said,
see
this
book
you
got
in
your
hands?
I
said,
yeah.
He
says
he
uses
it
86
times.
Yeah.
He
says,
yeah,
why
don't
you
watch
for
the
word
recovered?
And
then
why
don't
you
watch
for
the
word
recovery
and
see
what
you
say?
I
didn't
see
recovery
there.
I
saw
recovered
over
and
over
again.
He
explained
to
me
what
it
meant
to
be
well.
He
said
you
can
get
better
and
I
went
cool.
I
don't
know
what
better
is
by
the
way,
I
had
no
idea
I
was
playing
along.
Better
to
me
is
pretty
blackout
from
benzos
and
alcohol.
He
said
you
can
be
okay.
I
don't
know
what
okay
is.
You
know
something
I
figured
out
after
I
did
this
work.
I
had
never
been
happy.
Maybe
when
I
was
a
little
kid
but
had
been
so
long
I
didn't
remember
it.
I
had
mistaken
happiness
for
some.
Now
see
I
had
this
thing.
I
had
temporary
distraction
from
misery
and
suffering.
That's
what
I
had
and
I
thought
it
was
happiness.
I
got
it
through
drugs,
alcohol,
relationships,
right?
Sometimes
from
procuring
goods,
right?
It
distracted
me
temporarily
from
misery
and
suffering.
And
I
thought
that's
what
happiness
was.
Distract
yourself
from
how
miserably
you
are.
And
he
said
no.
This
idea
Bill
uses
this
term
two
times
in
the
book
that
almost
makes
me
cry
every
time
I
read
it.
4th
dimension
of
existence.
For
me
personally,
that
is
not
flowery
poetic
language.
I
live
in
1/4
dimension
of
existence.
When
I
say
that,
it's
not
because
I'm
hallucinating.
I
say
that
because
I
live
in
a
way
that
I
didn't
think
was
possible.
I
have
internal
stable
happiness
that
is
not
contingent
upon
external
circumstances.
I
had
never
experienced
that
before.
That's
a
fourth
dimension
of
existence.
You
could
tell
me
about
it
till
you
blew
in
the
face.
I'd
go.
But
if
you
have
an
experience,
if
you've
never
been
in
love,
you
don't
know
what
it
is,
do
you?
Until
you're
in
love,
you
don't
know
what
love
is.
You
can
listen
to
love
songs.
You
go
home
and
put
on
your
journey
cassettes
and
you
can,
you
can
read
your
beautiful
poetry
by
Rambo.
But
it's
not
the
same
as
being
in
love,
huh?
Until
you're
in
love,
you
don't
know
what
it
is.
And
when
they
talked
about
that
4th
dimension
of
existence
getting
well,
I
had
no
idea
what
he
meant
until
I
experienced
it.
And
if
you
haven't
done
that,
I
really
encourage
you
to
do
it.
I
imagine
from
from
what
I've
heard
and
from
what
I've
seen
here
so
far,
really
powerful
a
a
community
here
to
really,
I
get
to
travel
a
lot.
I'm
blessed
and
it
just
impressed
me.
Just
this
panel
tonight,
all
four
of
these
guys
were
talking
about
what
happened
to
me.
Brings
a
little
tear
to
my
eye.
Very
impressive
and
people
I've
met
here
today
been
just
incredibly
impressive.
You
all
doing
what
I
do.
We're
brothers
and
sisters.
We
walk
the
same
path.
If
you
stumbled
into
this
room
and
you
don't
do
those
things,
I'm
telling
you
do
it.
Do
it.
You
don't
have
to
be
miserable.
You
don't
have
to
be
crazy.
You
don't
have
to
battle
thoughts
of
drinking
all
the
time
and
it
can
be
good
and
I
I
experienced
something
I
experienced
this
happiness
that's
not
based
on
whether
I
have
a
woman
in
my
life
for
money
in
the
bank.
I
don't
I
never
do
I
buy
in
debt.
That's
thank
you.
9th
step
truly,
truly
to
this
day,
every
month
financial
restitution
again,
I
I
don't
own
very
much
stuff.
I
bought
a
car.
I
didn't
have
a
license
for
eight
years.
I
bought
a
car
for
the
first
time.
It
forever
cost
me
950
bucks.
Yeah,
it
was
a
big
purchase
from
me
because
at
any
given
time
I
have
a
big
three
digit
bank
account.
Every
now
and
then
it
will
breach
4
digits
and
I'll
go
into
the
$1000
range
and
then
all
the
sudden
payments,
it's
back
down.
But
I'm
OK.
I
wake
up
in
the
morning,
I'm
OK.
I
go
to
bed
at
night,
I'm
OK.
This
man
took
me
to
the,
the
beginning,
the
big
book
and
it
lit
me
up
like
a
Christmas
tree.
And
I
would
like
to
tell
you
all
that
I,
I,
I
did
everything
in
there
and
I
followed
it
through
and
I
lived
happy
living
after.
That's
not
true
for
me.
What
happened
was
I,
I
did,
I
did
basically
a
gym
story,
right?
I
did
step
work
to
a
place
where
I
felt
better
and
then
very
alcoholically,
what
I
did
is
I
traded
any
real
long
term
change
for
short
term
comfort.
Very
alcoholic
thing
to
do.
I'm
going
to
sell
out
the
long
term.
So
I
get
some
immediate
comfort
right
here,
right.
My
grand
sponsor
is
a
guy
by
the
name
of
Don
P.
He's
from
out
these
ways.
He's
from
Colorado
and
and
I
heard
him
once
say
my
spiritual
experiences
have
all
been
characterized
by
pain.
And
I
went
what?
And
he
said
spiritual
experiences
for
me,
they
hurt
and
I
was
supposed
to
be
feeling
it's
supposed
to
be
unicorns
and
rainbows
and
everything,
right?
Not
for
me
either.
My,
all
my
major
spiritual
experiences
have
been
characterized
by
me
walking
through
a
period
of
change
in
pain
and
discomfort.
That's
it.
Read
your
book.
And
by
the
way,
he
doesn't
promise
you
that
it
won't
be
that
he
talks
about
certain
trials
in
low
spots,
further
vicissitudes,
right?
I
have
my
beautiful
moments.
I
moved,
I
moved
back
from
Europe
to
New
Hampshire,
which
is
a
beautiful
place.
There's
nothing
there,
but
it's
beautiful.
And
in
the
summer
I
get
to
go
out
running
through
these
trails,
you
know,
and
I,
I
finished
a
retreat
of
meditation
retreat,
3
days
of
silence
and
it
is
powerful.
And
I'm
running
through
this
5K
loop
up
by
the
mountains.
Very
beautiful
place.
You
guys
all
live
here.
You
know
what
it's
like
to
be
out
in
nature.
And
I
remember
coming
around
the
bend
and
the
sun
came
through
the
trees
and
hit
me
on
the
face
after
three
days
of
silence
and
meditation
and
I
hit
my
knees
and
I
just
bawled
like
a
baby
and
I
prayed.
I
had
nothing
else
to
do.
I
didn't
know
what
to
do.
I
was
overflowing
with
happiness.
I
look
like
a
crazy
man.
I'm
a
guy
in
shorts
in
the
woods
alone
crying,
right?
I
didn't
win
the
lottery.
I
had
nothing
else
to
do.
I
hit
my
knees
crying
like
a
baby.
And
I
just
gave
thanks
and
praise
to
God.
Beautiful
experience.
I
don't
call
that
a
spiritual
experience.
I
I
call
that
that's
a
really
beautiful
moment
that
I
get
as
a
result
of
trying
my
best
to
be
spiritually
fit.
I
don't
confuse
that
with
the
spiritual
experience,
by
the
way,
that's
a
beautiful
moment.
I
don't
take
that
for
granted.
Trust
me.
I
don't
get
them
often.
When
I
get
them,
it's
tool,
right?
My
spiritual
experience
is
evolving,
characterized
by
me
having
to
walk
through
some
pain
in
my
personal
life.
I
don't
even
realize
I'm
doing
it
while
I'm
in
the
middle
of
it.
I'm
usually
saying,
what
am
I
doing
wrong?
I
come
out
the
other
end
and
I
realize
that
I
have
changed.
I
have
grown
spiritual.
I've
been
forged
by
the
fires
of
pain,
right?
And
that's
what
a
human
existence
is
about.
Walking
stuff
you
don't
want
to
walk.
What
happened
was
I,
I
felt
a
little
bit
better.
I
went
down
to
a
homeless
shelter.
I
had
nowhere
else
to
go.
I,
I
dabbled
in
the
steps
and
I
did
the
steps
to
the
extent
that
a
really
smart
guy
like
me
needs
to
do
the
steps,
which
is
less
than
the
rest
of
all
of
you.
It's
because
that's
my
attitude
and
I
felt
a
little
bit
better
and
then
you
know
what
happened.
Surprised.
The
surprise.
I,
I
drank,
I
drank,
you
know,
I,
I
didn't
think
about
it.
I
just
found
myself
drinking
and
I
went
back
out
and
there's
there's
a
place
in
the
book
Bill
tells
us
he
says
you
want
to
check
if
you've
done
a
real
first
step.
Here's
your
check
ready.
2
roads,
two
roads
when
you
guys
set
it
up
here
tonight,
right.
One,
if
you
really
know
that
you're
the
real
deal,
if
you
are
a
real
alcoholic
as
opposed
to
a
a
heavy
drinker.
If
you're
a
real
alcoholic,
the
first
word
is
this
blood
out
the
consciousness
of
your
intolerable
situation
at
the
bitter
end,
right?
And
the
2nd
is
accept
spiritual
help.
I
was
so
tired
and
so
blown
out.
I
took
Rd.
one
and
I
said
I'm
done.
And
I'll
tell
you
this,
there
is
nothing
so
painful
as
sitting
at
a
bar
in
the
midst
of
phenomenon
of
craving,
thinking
about
phenomenon
of
craving.
That's
miserable.
That
last
drunk
of
mine
took
me
to
Seattle
where
I
was
briefly
employed,
very
briefly.
And
then
I
managed
to
get
a
job
running
a
nightclub
when
I
couldn't
play
music
anymore.
I
started
working
studios
and
then
Raider.
I
bartended
and
I
ran
nightclubs,
Bad
nightclubs,
a
good
job
for
an
alcoholic.
I
made
it
down
to
San
Diego
where
I
was
employed
as
a
bar
manager
for
a
pretty
fancy
place.
And
what
I
would
do
is
I'd
wake
up
in
the
morning
with
the
shakes
and
I
would
take
a
whole
bunch
of
Ativan
because
I
couldn't
go
into
work
smelling
like
booze.
And
I
would
desperately
try
and
make
it
through
about
3
hours
before
I
could
drink
because
see
if
you
smell
booze
on
my
breath.
4
hours
later
I
could
say
well
what
the
came
by
and
I
had
to
do
this
and
I
had
to
make
sure
the
vodka
wasn't
spoiled
on
the
shelf.
I
had
to
check
the
freshness
of
the
vodka
and
I
knew
that
that
would
gig
was
about
to
come
to
an
end
because
everyone
already
caught
on.
I
didn't
last
very
long.
This
guy's
a
drunk,
they
knew
it.
I
had
bartenders
working
for
me
and
this
was
a
very
proper
upscale
type
place.
And
I
remember
doing
a
very
fancy
private
function,
some
very,
very
wealthy
people.
And
I
had
two
bartenders,
all
tuxedo
fancied
calling
me
Mr.
And
I
said,
you
guys
are
doing
great.
I'll
tell
you
what,
let's
take
a
shift
drink.
And
they
went,
what?
They
never
heard
of
this?
I
said
a
shift
drink
and
they
go,
what's
a
shift
drink?
I
said,
it's
a
drink
that
you
take
after
your
shift.
And
they
said
we've
only
been
here
for
45
minutes.
I
said,
this
is
a
mid
shift
drink,
we'll
take
one
now.
Really.
I
said,
stop
pouring
that
Johnny
Black.
Three
of
us
come
on.
And
we
ducked
behind
a
bar
and
these
guys
are
like,
is
this
cool?
I'm
your
boss,
right?
Yeah.
Drink.
I
knew
that
was
coming
to
an
end.
That's
all
real.
Yep,
I
know
that's
coming
for
an
end.
And
I
what
happened
was
I
took
a
job
down
in
Cabo
San
Lucas,
Mexico.
Bartending
at
a
discotheque?
Good
job
again,
right?
If
you're
thinking
about
fleeing
to
Mexico,
I
can
save
you
the
trip.
They
drink
down
there
and
they
have
drugs.
What
happened
was
I
got
down
there
and
I
was
legless
every
night.
I
had
two
bar
backs
doing
my
work
for
me
and
I
couldn't
do
it
anymore.
So
I
made
a
decision
to
drink
myself
to
death.
I
made
a
really
a
conscious
and
cogent
decision.
I
said
I'm
going
to
drink
myself
to
death.
So
I
literally
wandered
off
into
the
desert.
I
left
my
belongings.
I
didn't
have
many
and
I
I
started
drinking
and
I
got
my
hands
on
some
meth,
which
is
a
drug
that
I
despise
but
I
cannot
stop
when
I
start.
What
the
meth
did
for
me
is
it
kept
me
awake
to
continually
drink.
Rot
got
Mexican
booze
and
I
made
it
to
a
little
place
called
La
Paz,
and
in
La
Paz
I
got
a
cheap
little
room
with
the
last
few
bucks
I
had
and
I
started
to
drink
myself
to
death.
But
something
happens.
See
to
my
shock
and
horror
and
amazement,
I
kept
waking
up.
I
had
this
fantasy
about
Morrison
style.
I
was
just
going
to
fade
out
into
this
velvet
blackness.
It
would
be
cool.
I'd
be
celebrated.
People
write
books
about
me.
It
didn't
happen.
I
couldn't
figure
it
out,
but
I
kept
waking
up.
I
I
was
in
worse
and
worse
condition.
I
had
almost
chewed
a
whole
3
inside
of
my
face
which
got
infected.
I
looked
like
the
Elephant
Man.
The
whole
side
of
my
face
was
infected
and
swelled
up.
I
would
walk
through
the
streets
of
La
Paz
and
people
would
see
me
and
freed
them.
This
was
Crystal
gringo
to
somebody.
Walk
away.
I
was
very
scary
and
something
hit
me
and
this
is
ultimately
we
got
me
to
throw
myself
into
the
steps
and
really
do
this
make
this
my
life
in
effect.
This
is
what
brought
me
to
a
place
where
I
took
a
real
third
step
where
I
really
committed
where
I
really
signed
that
contract
with
a
God
as
was
so
eloquently
set
up
here
tonight
and
perfectly
said
of
my
complete
not
understanding
what
happened
was
I
realized
you're
not
going
to
die.
Your
life
is
going
to
get
progressively
worse
every
single
day.
And
every
day
I
woke
up
and
I
said
I've
never
felt
this
bad
in
my
life.
And
the
next
day
I
would
wake
up
and
say,
Oh
my
God,
I
feel
worse,
effectively
making
every
single
day
the
worst
day
of
my
life.
It
was
like
one
of
those
stories
of
the
conquistadors
coming
to
the
new
land
and
they
find
the
fountain
of
youth
and
they
realized
everlasting
life
is
in
fact
a,
a
curse,
right?
They
don't
want
to
be
alive
anymore.
And
I,
I
was
trying
to
drink
myself
to
death
and
it
wasn't
happening.
It
wasn't
fear
of
death
that
got
me
into
the
work
guys.
I
had
people
tell
me
I
grew
up.
I
might
as
well
grown
up
in
a
Funeral
Home.
Everyone's
gone
for
me,
right?
I'm
not
afraid
of
death.
I'd
counselors
sit
me
across
from
their
their
desk
and
tell
me
all
the
time,
I'll
never
forget
this
guy,
Bruce.
He
said,
you
know,
Matt,
you
could
die
from
this
thing.
And
I
feigned
shock
and
horror.
I
went,
you're
right,
Bruce.
It's
a
terrible
disease.
In
my
head,
I'll
be
honest
with
you,
in
my
head,
I
rode
the
commuter
rail
to
Mass
General
Hospital
that
day.
I
sit
next
to
the
open
door,
the
commuter
train,
just
to
give
myself
the
option.
That's
true.
That's
what
I
think
about
all
day
is
killing
myself.
I
don't
say
that
out
loud
to
Bruce,
the
counselor,
because
I
learned
the
hard
way
what
happens
when
you
say
that
out
loud.
You
get
locked
up.
I
figured
that
out.
So
what
I
do
is
I
go,
you're
it's
a
terrible
disease.
It
is.
Bruce,
we're
going
to
work
on
this
thing,
me
and
you.
And
then
I
looked
at
this
guy's
desk
and
I
saw
a
picture
of
him
and
his
kids
at
the
lake
holding
the
big
trout.
And
I
saw
a
picture
of
him
over
here
with
the
snowmobiles
and
then
him
with
the
wife
and
the
golden
retriever.
And
I
realized,
see,
we're
different
breed
of
cat.
He
and
I.
This
is
a
man
who's
attached
to
his
human
existence,
right?
Death
scares
this
guy.
He's
I
don't
want
to
die.
Life
is
good
every
day.
I'm
a
guy
who's
so
miserable,
it's
all
I
can
think
about.
You
can't
threaten
me
with
death,
man.
It's
sensation
of
consciousness.
I'm
into
it.
I
like
oblivion.
I'm
a
oblivion
Ranger.
I'm
a
blackout
drinker.
That's
what
I
do.
What
got
me
into
the
steps
was
this
idea
you're
not
going
to
float
out
in
some
peaceful
fog.
This
is
going
to
be
your
life
for
a
very
long
time.
And
when
death
finally
comes,
it
will
be
a
great
relief.
And
what
happened
was
I
made
my
way
back
up
to
Tijuana
and
I
crossed
the
border
into
San
Diego
and
I
did
a
real
third
step.
I
did
a
third
step
by
myself
in
a
parking
lot.
I
hit
my
knees
in
desperation.
From
the
outside,
it
didn't
look
very
impressive.
It
was
a
sad,
smelly
homeless
man
mumbling
to
himself.
It's
a
common
sight
in
San
Diego
because
the
weather
is
good.
There's
a
lot
of
homeless
guys
there.
This
was
the
most
meaningful
thing
I've
ever
done
in
my
life
to
this
day,
because
this
is
a
start
of
everything
for
me.
This
was
the
start
of
rebirth
for
me.
This
was
the
start
of
a
new
guy
there.
Still
to
this
day,
the
most
meaningful
thing
I
have
ever
done.
As
a
third
step,
a
real
third
step,
I
made
a
I
signed
a
contract
with
God,
again
a
God
of
my
non
understanding
to
follow
through
with
the
steps
and
make
this
my
way
of
life.
The
first
that
made
sense
to
me,
I
didn't
I
didn't
have
a
problem
first
up.
Even
that
idea
of
obsession,
I
knew
unless
I
did
something
to
change
my
broken
mind,
I
had
figured
it
out
on
my
own.
Guys,
I'm
not
even
that
smart.
I
think
I
am,
but
I'm
not.
I
figured
out
people,
you
think
through
this
and
think
through
that
I
might
thinking
is
broken.
I
can't
fix
a
problem
with
thinking
with
thinking.
It's
dumb.
It's
like
trying
to
fix
a
broken
tool
with
itself.
You
can't
do
it.
Second
step,
like
almost
all
of
you.
But
there's
this
beautiful
paragraph,
this
really
potent,
beautiful,
elegant
paragraph.
The
bottom
paragraph
of
page
43,
the
last
paragraph
before
we
agnostics
this
beautiful
summation
of
the
three
pertinent
ideas.
It
says
once
more,
the
alcoholic
at
certain
times
has
no
effective
mental
defense
against
first
rank.
The
most
dangerous
part
about
that
for
me
at
certain
times,
because
I
don't
know
when
they're
coming.
When
I
did
relapse,
three
days
prior
to
that,
the
girl
I
was
dating,
I
was
running
the
club
and
I'm
trying
to
fix
a
sound
board
and
the
band's
getting
angry
and
people
getting
angry.
And
I
remember
she
chooses
this
time
to
pick
a
fight
with
me.
And
I
look
down
and
I
was
losing
it.
And
I
saw
in
her
hand
something
very
beautiful.
I
saw
a
filthy,
dirty
martini.
I
like
martinis
because
I
get
to
pound
vodka
and
think
I
look
like
James
Bond.
I
don't.
I
look
like
a
drunk
because
I'm
spraying
food
on
you,
but
I
think
I
look
slick.
I
saw
in
her
hand
that
I
remember
this
little
voice
in
my
head
said
this.
It
said
grab,
see,
because
these
people,
I
moved
up
to
Portland,
ME
at
the
time,
no
one
knew
me
up
there.
I
wasn't
Matt
the
alkie,
the
junkie,
the
criminal.
I
was
this
guy
who
didn't
drink,
and
I
was
also
a
vegetarian.
They
thought
those
things
were
intertwined
again.
They're
not
jog.
That
was
just
a
healthy
Zend
out
guy.
I'm
not
it's
all
affront.
This
voice
in
my
head
said
grab
it
out
of
her
hand
and
pound
it
and
show
these
people
who
you
really
are.
Show
her
who
you
really
are.
Teacher
a
lesson.
And
the
other
voice
in
my
head
said
nine
months
ago
you
were
in
a
homeless
shelter,
a
bad
one.
You
want
to
go
back,
pal?
And
I
went
can't
talk
to
you
right
now,
baby.
Not
a
good
time.
And
she
walked
away
and
I
got
the
mains
on
and
I
smoked
a
cigarette
in
one
drag.
I
could
feel
my
pulse
in
my
face.
You
guys
know
what
I
mean?
When
you're
like
I,
I
did
this
thing,
I,
I
said
I
need
a
cigarette
so
bad.
I
went
to
light
another
cigarette
only
to
realize
I
was
already
smoking
a
cigarette.
And
I
walked
behind
the
bar
and
I
got
real.
I
still
felt
my
pulse
in
my
face,
but
I
got
real
proud
of
myself.
I
said,
wait,
you
did
it.
You
thought
through
the
drink.
You
did.
Apparently
you've
grown
a
lot.
Apparently
the
whole
thing
was
a
phase,
Maddie.
Granted,
it
was
a
phase
that
encompassed
most
of
my
teenagers
and
the
entirety
of
my
adult
life,
but
a
phase
nonetheless.
And
we've
emerged.
Come
on
the
other
side,
right?
I
was
real
proud
of
myself.
That's
one
of
the
most
dangerous
things
that
ever
happened
to
me.
One
of
the
worst
things
that
ever
happened
because
it
was
three
days
later.
I
woke
up
in
the
morning.
What
was
I
thinking
of?
Milk.
I'm
a
cereal
guy.
I
like
my
my
cereal
in
the
morning.
And
I
said,
did
you
remember
to
buy
milk?
And
I
went
into
my
bar
around
11
that
morning
to
meet
distributors
and
meet
Pepsi.
And
what
was
I
thinking
about?
I'm
looking
at
a
full
double
Well
bar.
I
was
thinking
about
lunch,
pizza
or
order
some
Thai
food.
5:00
that
night,
right?
I'm
sick,
I'm
sick,
I'm
ridful,
I'm
angry.
What
am
I
thinking
about?
Ice,
because
my
ice
machine
was
slow.
I
might
have
to
go
to
the,
the
hospital
across
the
street,
go
to
the,
the,
the
hotel
across
the
street
and
borrow
some
buckets
of
ice,
right?
I
drank
that
night,
you
know,
when
I
thought
about
drinking
came
to
me,
my
head
said
that's
odd.
It
seems
like
we're
seems
like
we're
pounding
a
handle
of
Jim
Beam.
And
then
this
voice
went,
yes,
it
appears
we
are.
And
I
said,
looks
like
I'm
drinking
again.
Yes,
it
looks
like
you
are.
I
lost
it
that
night.
I
was
overcome
with
with
with
spiritual
malady.
I
was
overcome
with
anger.
I
was
overcome
with
rage
and
jealousy
and
hostility.
And
I
didn't
think
one
little
thing
set
me
off.
There
was
nothing.
It
was
a
strong
broke
camel's
Brack,
right?
The
girl
that
I
was
dating
at
the
time,
and
I
thought
she
was
cheating
on
me.
She
might
have
been.
It's
irrelevant.
I
was
sick.
She
left
the
bar
and
I'll
show
her.
All
right.
I
did,
right.
I
just
snapped
and
I
drank.
That
first
sentence
tells
me
that
it's
possible
at
times
I
can
make
some
feeble
effort
to
ward
off
that
thought
of
drinking.
But
when
it
really
counts,
I
don't
have
it.
I
don't
have
it.
The
second
sentence
is
what
really
lit
me
up.
It
says
except
in
a
few
rare
cases,
which
we're
probably
all
not.
I
know
I
am
not.
No
human
power
can
provide
such
a
defense.
Now
keep
in
mind
I
thought
I
was
an
atheist,
but
what
I
had
to
do
here
is
reflect
on
my
own
personal
experience.
I
literally
traveled
the
globe
trying
to
employ
every
known
manifestation
of
human
power
to
give
me
such
a
defense.
So
first
I
used
willpower.
That's
a
joke.
Then
I
used
brainpower.
All
my
wily
coyote
schemes
right.
I'm
going
to
move
to
California
because
I
don't
drink
out
there.
They
do.
I'm
going
to
change
my
girlfriend.
I'm
going
to
change
my
profession
right.
I'm
going
to
go
to
the
gym
more.
I'm
not
going
to
hang
out
with
guys
who
drink
anymore.
This
didn't
work.
So
then
I
tried
to
tap
into
the
the
human
power
of
the
love
of
a
good
woman,
right.
Didn't
work.
What
does
that
mean?
She's
wrong
one,
I
need
you
right.
You
didn't
do
it
either.
Let's
go
down
the
line.
What
I
tried
to
do
add
to
that
is
I
tried
to
tap
into
the
power,
the
love
of
my
family,
and
that
didn't
work
and
I
did
this
later.
Some
of
you
guys
have
probably
done
this.
I
did
try
and
tap
into
the
power
of
the
group
of
drunks
and
I
know
it
worked
for
some
people.
So
please
don't
take
offense
if
it
did
work
for
you,
it
didn't
work
for
me.
I
tried
to
make
you
guys
my
God.
I
love
you
all.
Whether
I
know
you're
not,
I
can
honestly
say
that
I
really
do
love
you,
but
you're
not
God
for
me.
You
never
will
be,
right?
Didn't
work
for
me.
I
tried
psychopharmacology
to
my
big
believer
in
science,
right?
And
I
tried
psychotherapy
and
those
things,
for
me,
they
didn't
work.
So
if
human
power
isn't
strong
enough
to
fix
me,
again,
my
own,
another
person's,
or
a
whole
bunch
of
people's,
then
if
there
is
a
power
that's
going
to
fix
me.
And
at
that
point,
making
my
approach
to
the
second
step,
I
didn't
have
to
believe
that
such
a
power
existed.
I
only
had
to
be
able
to
make
this
statement,
which
is
a
statement
of
not
faith,
but
logic.
If
human
power
can't
fix
you,
then
if
there
is
a
power
that's
going
to
do
it
by
necessity,
that
power
must
be
greater
than
human.
That
third
sentence
in
the
bottom
page
43,
when
we
start
getting
into
We
agnostics.
My
favorite
chapter
in
the
book,
which
all
of
you
guys
know.
The
book
here
does
not
try
and
convince
you
that
God
exists.
That's
a
silly
endeavor.
I
work
with
people,
I
never
try
to
convince
him
that
God
exists.
Ridiculous.
In
some
ways
it's
it's
more
accurate
to
say
that
God
does
not
exist
because
the
truth
is
this.
There's
nothing
that
I
can
comprehend
of
that
represents
what's
in
my
life
every
day.
God
exists
doesn't
matter
to
me.
I
can't
really
prove
to
you
that
I
love
my
mother,
but
I
know
I
love
her.
I
can't
prove
to
you
I
know
my
I
love
my
mother
like
I
proved
you.
2
+
2
is
4,
you
see?
Or
that
that
chair
is
brown.
Irrelevant
though.
You're
not
going
to
talk
me
out
of
believing
I
love.
I'm
on
my
mother,
right?
I
get
into
that
chapter
reagnostics,
and
that
tells
me
two
things.
Number
one,
it
tells
me
you
better
hope
there's
a
God
because
you're
pretty
much
screwed
without
them,
right?
Talks
to
me
about
the
need
for
God.
And
then
the
whole
back
half
of
that
chapter
says
what
it
says.
Look,
I'm
going
to
give
you
these
demonstrations
that
show
you,
you
have
all
the
faculties
necessary
to
walk
a
spiritual
path,
take
spiritual
action.
Thus
having
an
experience,
you
get
to
interpret
that
experience
any
way
you
want.
Most
of
us
use
the
three
letter
word
God
to
talk
about
it
because
it's
as
good
a
word
as
any,
right?
That's
it.
I,
I
hit
my
knees
and
I,
I
heard
it
said
a
few
times
up
here
tonight
on
the
panel,
you
know,
God
of
my
not
understanding.
I
hit
my
knees
and
turn
my
life
and
my
will
over
to
a
God
that
I
was
not
sure
that
I
believed
in,
but
I
was
desperate
and
I
said
I
will
do
this
and
anything
that
is
out
there,
please
help
me
because
I
can't
die
and
I
can't
live.
And
I
wrote
a
letter
to
my
sponsor
conceding
defeat.
I
said
you're,
you're
right,
I'm
wrong,
you're
smart,
I'm
stupid,
you're
rather
good
looking,
I'm
unattractive.
You
smell
like
roses
and
lavender
and
I
have
a
rather
foul
odor
etc
etc
etc.
I
basically
admit
a
complete
defeat
my
methods
and
he
replied
to
me
and
he
said
you
know
what
to
do
you
know
what
to
do
now
you
have
to
do
it.
Recently
a
guy
in
my
family
that
I
love
very
much
he
he's
one
of
these
willpower
guys.
I
talked
a
couple
of
willpower
guys
tonight
right.
He
manages
to
make
it
a
long
period
of
time
just
not
drinking.
How
you
doing
Good,
good,
good,
good
man,
good.
You
know
good
how
you
doing
man?
You
been
all
right,
You
busy.
You
look
busy
man
you
okay?
I'm
worried
about
you.
Thanks
for
your
concern.
No,
I'm
doing
pretty
good.
Yeah.
Good.
I'm
good.
You
look
great.
This
guy
called
me.
He
travels
a
lot
and
he
was
out
of
the
country
and
he
called
me
and
he
said
he
drank
and
he
couldn't
stop.
And
he's
a
tough
guy.
This
is
one
of
those
tough
guys.
Never.
No,
I'm
good.
He
called
me
and
and
he
was
crying
and
devastated
and
he's
a
big
tough
guy,
which
means
that
he's
in
a
lot
of
pain.
And
he
said
this
to
me.
He
said,
you
know,
man,
I
I
listen
to
a
speaker
tapes
you
gave
me.
I
gave
him
some
tapes
of
some
big
book
guys.
And
he
said
I
was
still
thinking
about
drinking.
And
then
I
bought
the
book
with
me.
I
even
went
out
and
read
the
book
and
I
still
couldn't
stop
thinking
about
drinking.
I
said,
dude,
I
don't
think
you
understand.
It's
not
like
a
magic
book.
It's
not
like
Harry
Potter.
There's
no
spells
in
there.
You
can't
go
out
and
read
it
and
be
like
alcohol
be
gone.
There's
instructions
in
there,
brother.
And
it's
great
that
you
listen
to
these
other
guys
talk
about
doing
what
they
did
to
get
better,
but
that's
not
the
same
as
you
doing
it.
That's
like
studying
a
recipe
all
day,
even
memorizing
in
some
cases,
and
then
going
home
and
wondering
why
you're
hungry.
You
never
bake
bread,
man.
Never
did
this.
What?
Yeah,
man,
you
have
to
do
it.
It's
it's
not
magic.
You're
not
going
to
be
able
to
read
it
and
get
anything
from
it.
You
can't
get
it
from
osmosis.
It's
an
instruction
book.
It
tells
you
what
do
you
have
to
do?
And
this
guy
said,
you
know
what
to
do
now
go
do
it.
And
I'm
3000
miles
away
from
anyone
that
I
knew
doing
this
work.
And
I
threw
myself
into
it.
And
I
I
made
a
commitment
to
make
it
my
life.
That's
what
my
third
step
was.
It
was
me
sending
a
contract
with
the
God
of
my
non
understanding
saying
I
will
go
to
any
lengths
for
a
spiritual
experience.
I'm
in
a
very
privileged
and
blessed
position.
I
get
to
do
work
with
a
lot
of
people,
with
a
tremendous
amount
of
people.
I've
been
blessed
to
do
that.
It
might
be
a
karmic
thing.
Maybe
God
is
letting
me
make
payments
on
the
damage,
right?
I
kind
of
see
it
like
that
sometimes.
I
did
a
lot
of
damage
and,
and
I
tell
these
guys,
you
know,
there's
a
very
powerful
line
in
there.
Don't,
don't
confuse
yourself.
Don't
take
this
thing
lightly.
This
is
big,
right?
Any
length,
any
length
means
any
length.
It
doesn't
mean
any
length
within
your
comfort
zone.
And
these
guys
go
what
do
you
mean?
Like
go
to
meetings?
No,
any
length.
You
mean
like
I
gotta
go
to
sober
house
or
something?
Any
length?
You
mean
like
I
can't
smoke
weed
anymore?
Any
length?
What
do
you
mean
by
any
length?
I
literally
mean
any
length
there's
a,
there's
a
passage
in
the
Buddhist
sutras
I
love
it
says
best
to
not
get
on
the
path
at
all.
But
if
you
get
on
it,
you
better
finish
it.
And
they're
talking
about
the
spiritual
path.
And
in
my
personal
experience,
is
a
very
dangerous
thing
to
take
a
third
step
and
then
renege
on
that
agreement
because
where
it
leads
you,
and
there's
probably
some
other
people
in
the
room
like
me
who
started
to
dabble
in
step
work
and
then
stop.
You're
in
a
horrible
limbo
zone.
You're
in
a
world
of
pain.
It
was
better
that
you
didn't
do
this
at
all.
And
I'm
very
serious
about
taking
third
steps
with
guys.
I
tell
them
I
don't
treat
this
lightly.
And
we
stop
and
we
have
a
long
talk
and
gone
up
to
the
book
to
that
point,
and
we've
been
in
there
for
a
good
amount
of
time.
And
we
sit
down
and
I
ask
you
to
teach
me
the
1st
2
steps.
Tell
me
the
first
step,
the
elegant
session.
No,
tell
me
to
me
like
I'm
a
guy
who's
never
seen
the
big
book.
Tell
me
why
you're
here.
Talk
to
me
about
the
second
step.
You
tell
me
what?
The
second
step.
OK,
so
what's
the
third
step?
If
you
can
do
those
things
and
you
understand
the
gravity
of
what
we
do,
we'll
do
it.
And
if
not,
I
won't
take
a
third
step
with
you.
Not
'cause
I'm
a
hard
guy,
Not
because
I
want
to
make
this
some
esoteric
hidden
knowledge
and
keep
it
from
you.
I
won't
do
that
to
you.
I
won't
let
you
walk
into
this
thing
and
take
it
lightly,
because
the
chances
are
you
may
put
yourself
in
a
world
of
real
bizarre
pain
that
you
never
knew
existed.
Dabbling
in
the
steps
and
then
drinking
again.
I
felt
pain
in
a
place
that
I
did
not
even
know
that
I
owned,
didn't
even
know
I
owned.
That
was
serious
business
for
me.
I
got
busy
with
this
work
of
an
inventory
this
inventory
I
had
been
told
it's
funny
around
the
4th
step
my
whole
life
people
have
told
me.
I
told
you
guys
when
Nate
said
very
nice
things
about
me,
right?
All
fabricated.
I
I
was
born
in
selfishness
my
whole
life.
My
mother
is
one
of
these
selfless
people.
You
know
those
people
they're
naturally
selfless,
right?
My
mom
just
gave
up
her
whole
life
for
the
people
that
loved
her.
She
never
had
a
childhood
her
her
mother
was
a
drug
addict.
Her
father
was
in
prison.
She
had
to
raise
the
kids.
They
lived
in
the
projects
and
all
their
food
and
supplies
came
via
a
truck
that
said
Saint
Vincent
de
Paul
Charities,
right
Women's
A
St.
My
mother
had
used
to
say
something
to
me
when
I
got
really
bad
because
when
I'm
bad,
I'm
bad.
And
she
said,
I
don't
know
where
you
came
from.
That
was
my
degree
of
selfishness.
People
told
me
I'm
selfish.
Girlfriends
told
me
you're
selfish.
My
mother
told
me
I'm
dishonest.
Those
things
bounce
off
me
because
they're
mushy.
I
have
nothing
concrete
to
connect
them
to.
You
see,
here's
the
truth
about
me,
guys.
I
realize
this
is
a
result
of
taking
inventory.
I
lived
in
selfishness.
Everything
I
do
was
designed
to
make
me
feel
better.
So
when
you
said
selfish,
I
went.
It's
meaningless
to
me.
He's
like
talking
to
a
fish
about
water.
What
it
takes
it
for
granted.
You
see,
I
need
something
concrete
to
attach
selfishness
to.
I
need
to
see
clearly
what
it
means
to
be
selfish,
what
it
means
to
be
dishonest.
I
need
to
be
taught
those
things.
I,
I
did
an
inventory
and
I
got
to
see,
it's
funny,
we
get
to
that
4th
column
of
the
fourth
step
in
the
resentment
inventory.
You
know
what
I
struggled
with?
I
struggled
with
selfishness.
One
of
the
most
selfish
guys
to
ever
walk
to
face
the
planet.
I
struggle
with
selfishness.
And
you
know
what?
I
realized
everything
I
did
was
selfish.
That's
why
I
was
so
hard
for
me
to
do.
Essentially
in
my
4th
column
of
the
fourth
step.
Basically,
it's
like
Maddie
insert
the
contents
of
your
daily
existence.
There's
your
selfishness.
And
I
had
an
experience
in
the
fourth
step,
in
the
5th
step,
I,
I
didn't
understand
what
my
experience
in
the
4th
and
5th
step
was
till
much
later.
I
see
guys
take
fourth
steps
now.
And
I'm
around
this
culture
where
a
lot
of
people
doing
step
work
and
they
see
the
guys
who
are
in
the
beginning
going
through
the
book,
see
the
guys
who
have
done
the
4th
and
they
come
out
of
there.
Oh,
it's
like
removing
a
suit
of
armor
and
angels
came
down
with
flaming
swords
and
I
saw
Jimi
Hendrix
came
out
of
the
fog.
And
I
don't
like
that
because
it
builds
up
all
this
expectations
for
these
other
guys.
They
start
putting
all
these
labels
on
what
their
experience.
You
don't
get
to
dictate
that
God
dictates
what
your
experience
looks
like.
And
for
me
personally,
I
don't
even
try
to
interpret
it
because
I
don't
know
what
it
means.
It
took
me
a
long
time
to
realize
what
happened
to
me
in
the
4th
and
5th
step.
What
happened
to
me
was
this
it
branded
for
four
words
into
the
deep
recesses
in
my
mind.
I
could
never
get
rid
of
them.
Ready,
self
seeker,
selfish,
dishonest,
fearful.
I
could
never
get
rid
of
them.
And
what
would
happen
is
I'm
a
guy
who
so
habituated
being
dishonest.
My
brother's
nickname
for
me
was
Costanza
from
Seinfeld.
George
Costanza
because
he
lies
all
the
time
because
I'm
a
guy
who
will
lie
when
I
don't
even
have
to
lie.
I
just
don't
know
if
you're
trying
to
trip
me
up
in
some
previous
ball
of
lies
that
I've
woven
and
I
I
couldn't
do
that.
What
would
happen
is
I
got
this
this
bad
job
at
the
beginning
of
Friday.
I
worked
at
a
bad
restaurant
for
almost
no
money.
My
boss
was
an
18
year
old
girl
who
would
yell
at
me
all
the
time,
all
the
time.
This
girl
was
that
it
was
good
for
me
at
the
time.
I
had
humble
myself.
I
big
studly
musician
guy
and
you
right.
And
this
18
year
old
girl
would
come
up
and
go.
You
want
me
to
handle
vacuum
because
I
looked
under
the
table
and
you
told
me
that
you
vacuum
in
the
corner
and
then
I
moved
the
chip
and
there's
all
stuff
under
there.
You
think
I
wouldn't
check
under
the
table?
I
know
you
don't
know
how
to
vacuum.
And
then
she
starts
speaking
Spanish
and
I
go
and
I'd
go
home
and
you
know,
I'd
have
to
look
at
what
I
did
in
there.
And
I
said,
yeah,
I'm
dishonest.
I'm
I'm,
I'm,
I
still
have
this
pride
around
the
fact
I'm
too
good
to
do
certain
things
and
I
shall
be
grateful.
Have
a
job,
but
it
gave
me
a
lot
of
raw
material
to
work
with.
Give
me
a
lot
of
raw
material
to
work
with.
I
saw
things
in
the
inventory.
We
get
up
to
six
and
seven,
six
and
seven.
For
me
personally,
I
can
sum
that
up
Ready.
Excuse
my
language.
Don't
do
that
shit
anymore.
And
because
I
don't
have
the
power
by
myself,
I
need
to
pray
for
the
strength,
right?
Writing
inventory,
4th
step
or
10th
step
and
then
repeating
the
same
thing
is
ridiculous.
That's
you
writing
yourself
a
ticket,
a
get
out
of
jail
free
card.
That's
you
writing
yourself
a
ticket
to
do
the
same
thing.
And
I've
had
sponsors,
we
do
10
step
inventory
in
my
line
of
sponsorship,
we
write
the
10
step
out.
They'll
call
me
with
the
same
inventory
around
the
same
thing.
And
I
said,
dude,
I'm
not
a
priest.
I'm
not
father
mad
would
I'm
not
here
to
absolve
you
and
make
you
feel
better
and
alleviate
you
have
guilt
so
you
can
go
out
and
take
wrong
action,
huh?
If
you
continue
to
do
that,
I
won't
accept
your
phone
calls
because
I
want
to
participate
in
that.
My
inventory
shows
me,
it
informs
my
prayer
life.
My
inventory
shows
me
what
I
need
to
change
around.
It's
about
change.
And
sometimes
it's
literally
my
actions.
It's
the
way
I
interact
with
you.
In
my
case,
now
it's
a
lot
about
my
expectations.
You're
not
behaving
the
way
that
I
want
you
to
behave,
who
you
are.
Your
existence
doesn't
suit
me.
And
I
realize,
well,
that's
not
my
business.
I
need
to
I
need
to
abandon
that
attitude.
I,
I
made
an
8
step
list
while
I
was
still
living
in
California.
I,
I
had
a
very
powerful
experience
in
the
eighth
step.
You
don't
hear
people
say
that
much,
but
I
did.
People
usually
talk
about
the
9th
step.
You
got
this
book
that
has
about
1005
references
to
pen
on
paper,
black
and
white.
There's
something
powerful
about
that.
Again,
I,
I
know
people
who
have
worked
with
the
sponsored
guys
who
have
told
me,
you
know,
and
I,
I,
we
did
an
oral
4th
step,
my
guy
and
I,
my
sponsor
and
we
talked
about
it.
Not
the
same
for
me
personally.
There
was
power.
I
couldn't
escape
the
written
word.
I
did
an
8
step
and
it
shocked
me.
You
see,
I
knew
I
had
harmed
a
lot
of
people.
I
just
didn't
know
how
many
until
I
saw
notebook
pages
and
the
way
I
did
an
8
step
was
I
from
my
own.
No
one
gave
me
this
instruction.
I
give
it
to
my
guys
now
after
the
name.
I
wrote
what
I
did
to
them
and
it
made
me
want
to
throw
up
another
spiritual
experience.
By
the
way,
I
had
a
profound
spiritual
experience
in
the
fourth
step.
Nausea.
I
wanted
to
puke
on
my
notebook
because
the
guy
I
had
in
my
head
who
I
thought
I
was,
he
never
existed.
And
I
got
to
look
into
an
existential
mirror
on
that
fourth
step.
And
I
said,
I
don't
like
this
guy.
I
don't
want
to
be
this
guy.
This
guy
is
a
wormy,
fearful,
selfish
little
man.
I
used
to
run
in
a
Marine
Corps
buddies
and
my
dad,
they
bumping
him
every
now
and
then.
And
they
taught
your
dad
was
the
toughest
guy
in
West
Roxbury
and
he
was
a
stand
up
guy
and
he
did
this.
And
my
dad
was
a
Marine
three
and
third.
Talk
about
honor.
And
you
do
the
right
thing
and
you
take
care
of
the
people
who
count
on
you.
And
your
word
means
something.
And
I
had
that
in
me.
And
they
used
to
say
that
to
me.
They
say,
don't
you
worry,
your
your
dad's
watching
you
right
now.
And
in
my
head,
I
felt
like
I
got
punched
in
the
gut.
And
I
would
say,
I
hope
not.
I
hope
not,
man,
I
hope
he's
not.
I
really
hope
he
is.
And
I
got
to
look
at
myself
in
that
first
step
and
I
wanted
to
throw
up.
That's
good,
by
the
way.
I
didn't
like
who
I
was.
That
means
I
was
motivated
to
change.
I'm
not
a
sociopath.
I'm
not
a
psychopath.
When
I
do
the
wrong
thing,
I
feel
bad
about
it.
I
wrote
the
8th
step
list
and
it
had
power
over
me.
I
couldn't
escape
it.
It
haunted
me.
And
I
had
to
go
back
to
the
East
Coast
and
leave
California
to
make
amends.
And
I
was
facing
jail
time,
not
considerable
jail
time,
but
for
me
personally,
really
any
jail
time,
I'd,
I'd
prefer
no
jail
time,
let's
put
it
that
way,
to
any
jail
time.
And
I
was
scared
I
would
be
lying
to
you
if
I
say
I
was
filled
with
the
fire
of
God
who
gave
me
courage.
I
was
terrified.
I
was
absolutely
terrified.
But
this
gave
me
an
opportunity
to
to
really,
really
practice
this
thing
we
call
faith,
right,
Not
belief.
Belief
is
irrelevant.
Guilty
of
believing
crazy
shit
to
be
true.
Me
too.
I
don't
put
much
doc
and
belief.
I
believe
weird
things
all
the
time
and
I
come
to
find
out
I'm
wrong
all
the
time.
Right.
This
is
faith.
Faith
without
works
is
dead.
Belief
without
action
is
mere
superstition
and
that's
it.
I
had
to
back
this
up.
I
got
back
to
Boston.
I
turned
myself
into
the
courts.
I
took
care
of
some
of
that
business.
I
was
scared.
I
had
to
make
amends
to
a
guy
who
I,
I
worked
for.
I
don't
know
why
this
guy
liked
me,
but
he
did.
It
was
at
a
big
music
store
on
Mass
Ave.
in
Boston
and
I
needed
to
get
out
of
work
frequently.
So
I
made-up
kidney
failure,
dialysis
because
I'm
creative
and
this
guy
was
a
nice
guy
and
I
would
basically
be
able
to
leave
and
come.
And
I
was,
I
was
in
my
20s
at
the
time.
So
I
would
come
and
go
as
I
pleased.
And
not
only
would
I
be
getting
out
of
work
and
not
doing
my
job
when
the
other
guys
I
worked
with
would
be
like,
he
gets
and
go,
he'd
be
you
shut
up.
That
brave
little
guy.
Dialysis
real.
And
what
happened
was
I
had
worked
there
on
and
off
since
I
was
a
kid.
I
was
the
only
guy
who
got
to
work
at
this
place
and
not
have
my
bag
searched
when
I
finish
work.
And
I
took
advantage
of
that
and
I
robbed
them.
I
stole
a
lot
of
merchandise
from
there
to
to
pawn
and
sell.
And
this
guy
suspected
it.
But
the
truth
is
he
liked
me
for
some
reason.
And
after
I
left,
I,
I,
I
stole
a
piece
of
equipment
and
I
went
back
to
another
branch
of
this
store,
another
outlet
wisely
to
try
and
sell
it
there
where
I
was
recognized.
And
this
guy
kind
of
figured
out,
but
he
desperately
didn't
want
to
believe
that
I
would
do
this
because
he
liked
me.
I
went
back
to
make
amends.
I
borrowed
a
car.
I
drove
in,
I
sat
outside
of
this
place.
This
guy
liked
me,
but
he
was
crazy.
And
I
saw
him
do
crazy
things
and
I
was
scared.
And
I
sat
out
front
troubling
and
shaking
and,
and
almost
puking
into
my
mouth.
And
I
called
a
good
friend
of
mine.
I
said,
I'm
here
to
do
this
men's
man.
And
I,
you
know,
I'm
going
to
go
in
and
I'm
going
to
tell
him
he's
a
good
friend
of
mine.
I
said,
I'm
going
to
go
in
and
tell
him,
you
know,
that
at
the
time
I
wasn't
doing
well.
And
and
that's,
and
my
friend
said
hide
behind
that.
So
when
you're
going
to
hide
behind
that
shit,
you
can
hide
behind
your
alcoholism.
What?
Don't
do
it
in
my
mind.
Yeah,
I
did
it
drunk
or
higher.
Now
I
did
it.
It's
me.
It's
not.
Again,
this
is
that
idea
of
disease.
You're
right,
you
have
a
disease.
But
guess
what?
You
have
a
disease
that
is
a
moral
component
to
it,
right?
You
have
responsibility.
You
have
a
disease
that
there's
it's
treatable.
If
you
choose
not
to
take
the
treatment,
guess
who's
responsible?
You
are.
I
had
a
friend
of
mines
wife
who'd
been
in
the
program
a
long
time
argument
that
she
said
it's
not
a
moral
thing.
Why
do
we
say
moral
inventory?
But
how,
how
come
the
book
uses
that
word
moral
so
much?
How
about
how
come
Bill
talks
about
his
declining
bodily
and
moral
health?
If
it
has
nothing
to
do
with
morals,
then
why
would
we
ever
make
amends?
Because
if
if
it
has
not
do
morality,
guys,
guess
what?
There's
no
such
thing
as
right
and
wrong,
is
there?
Right.
I
don't
like
that,
by
the
way,
because
it
means
I
have
to
take
responsibility
for
my
actions.
I'm
not
happy
about
that.
But
it's
real
liberating,
isn't
it?
You
know
what
it
means?
It
means
you're
not
the
product
of
determinism.
It
means
not.
There's
not
some
disease
force
that
you
can't
control.
It
means
you
have
free
will.
You
can
make
choices.
You're
free.
That's
liberating.
I
was
liberating.
To
me,
the
downside
is
it
means
the
heavyweight
of
responsibility
falls
clearly
on
your
shoulders.
I
went
in
to
make
amends
to
this
guy,
and
I
went
in
there
trembling
and
shaking
in
a
nervous
wreck
and
with
the
guy
behind
the
counter
said
I
said
my
name
is
Matt
and
I'm
here
to
see
Hersh.
And
the
kid
looked
at
me
and
he
said
Hersh
isn't
in
today.
And
I
went,
he'll
be
tomorrow.
And
I
and
I
had
to
borrow
a
car
and
I
came
back
the
next
day.
And
what
happened
was
I
parked
out
front
of
this
joint,
trembling
and
shaking
and
vomiting
into
my
mouth
and
and
I
got
myself
up
and
I
prayed
and
I
walked
into
there,
my
legs,
I
felt
like
I
was
gonna
fall
down.
And
I
said,
my
name
is
Matt.
I
was
here
yesterday
to
see
Hersh.
I
you
said
you
can
make
any.
This
other
guy
looked
and
he
said
he
actually
called
in
today.
He's
not
coming
in.
Yeah.
Any
length
is
any
length.
I
I
was
dying,
but
I
realized,
you
know,
if
I
have
to
come
back
every
day,
I'm
willing
to
do
it
any
length
of
a
spiritual
experience.
And
so
I
came
back
on
the
third
day
trembling
and
shaking.
And
on
the
third
day,
he
was
there
and
the
guy
said,
what's
your
name?
And
I
told
my
name.
And
he
said,
Hirsch
wants
to
know
what
this
is
about.
And
I
said,
I
just
need
5
minutes
of
his
time.
I'm.
I'm
asking
for
5
minutes
of
his
time.
And
he
comes
down.
And
The
funny
thing
about
this
store
is
the
office,
the
office
is
up
behind
a
giant
head
of
Elvis.
So
there's
this
heavy
moment
for
me.
It's
heavy.
And
I'm
trembling
and
I'm
waiting
for
this
guy
to
come
down.
I'm
like.
And
he
emerges
from
a
giant
Elvis
head
down
a
spiral
staircase.
There's
this
real
weird
juxtaposition,
right?
And
he
walks
down
and
he
looks
at
me
and
I
knew,
right?
And
he
goes,
yeah.
And
I
go,
do
you
Remember
Me?
I
used
to
work
here
and
he
goes,
a
lot
of
guys
used
to
work
here.
And
I
said
my,
told
him
my
name.
I
said,
could
we
go
to
your
office
for
a
minute?
And
he
said,
no.
I
said,
OK.
He
said,
what
do
you
want?
I
said,
could
I
just
have
5
minutes
of
your
time?
And
he
said,
I
am
here,
you've
used
a
minute.
And
I
went,
I
said
I,
I
need
to
let
you
know,
I'm,
you
know,
I'm,
I'm
an
alcoholic.
As
a
part
of
my
program
recovery,
I
need
to
write
the
wrongs
that
I've
done.
And
the
truth
is
that
I've
wronged
you.
And
he
went,
really?
How?
And
I
told
him,
I
said,
I
robbed
you.
I
stole
things
from
here,
you
know,
anyone
really.
And
I
started
to
talk
about
it.
And
he,
he
said,
hang
on.
And
he
came
back
with
a
pen
and
a
piece
of
paper.
He
goes,
could
you
please
write
these
things
down
And
I
went
and
we
started
I'm
searching
my
memory
for
the
items
that
quite
expensive
I've
stole
from
here.
And
then
I'm
estimating
price
and
we
get
to
the
bottom.
He
said,
could
you
sign
that
and
date
it?
I
went,
this
is
great
in
court.
They're
going
to
hold
this
up
right?
And
Mr.
is
to
describe
Dan
written
the
and
I
write
it.
And
at
this
point
in
time
I
start
to
tell
him
I
did
this
and
I'm
here
to
make
financial
institution
or
go
to
the
police
or
wherever
I
said,
but
I
also
wronged
you
because
you
trusted
me
and
you
treated
me
really
well
and
I
betrayed
you.
And
at
this
point
in
time,
I
started
to
blubber
in
Saab
and
cry
uncontrollably
in
the
middle
of
a
busy
music
store.
So
there's
guys
playing
Stairway
to
Heaven
on
out
of
tune
guitars.
Really
weird,
right?
And
I'm
crying
like
a
baby
and
he
started
to
get
uncomfortable.
And
when
they're
there
and
I
said
and
I
betrayed
you,
you,
you've
treated,
you
were
one
of
the
guys
in
my
life
looking
out
for
me
and
I
and
I,
I
screwed
you.
And
he
softened
up
a
little
bit
and
he
said,
listen,
I
I
understand
what
you're
trying
to
do
here.
This
whole.
And
he
said
that
he
did
this
with
air
quotes.
He
went
this
self
cleansing.
And
I
went,
yeah,
and
I'm
still
crying.
And
he
said
this
was
a
while
ago.
I
don't
know
if
there's
anything
we
can
do
about
it.
And
I'm
not
the
guy.
He
said,
I
have
to
talk
to
my
boss
and
see
what
my
boss
wants
to
do.
And
I
gave
him
my
information
and
where
I
was
staying.
And
I
said,
you
call
me,
you
call
the
police,
I'll
be
here.
I'll
go
to
the
police
station.
I
have
no
money
right
now.
I
brought
the
money
that
I
had
on
me.
I
bring
money
when
I
make
financial
amends.
And
I
had
a
lot
because
I'm
a
thief
and
I
am,
it's
true.
And
I,
I
had,
you
know,
little
money
on
me,
but
enough
to
start.
And
I
told
him
I
don't
have
enough
to
pay
back
the
thousands
that
I
owe
you.
And
I'm
still
crying.
And
he
said,
I'm
going
to
show
this
to
my
boss
man.
And
he
said,
and
we'll
be
in
touch
with
you.
And
I
said,
and
I
started
walking
out
when
I
was
about
10
paces
away.
And
he
said,
Matt
and
I
turned
around
and
went
and
he
said,
if
you
don't
hear
from
me,
it's
a
good
thing.
If
you
don't
hear
from
me,
it
means
this
was
enough
and
I
never
heard
from
him
again.
That
was
that.
I
was
clean.
I
made
the
amends.
I
don't
feel
light
my
my
amends
for
me.
A
lot
of
people
talk
about
making
amends
and
then
I
feel
really
cleansed.
I
feel
really
awful.
I
went
to
the
cemetery,
I
saw
my
father's
grave.
I
finished
making
amends
for
me
perfectly.
I
finished
making
a
good
amends.
I
feel
really
bad
to
be
honest
with
you.
I
feel
like
I've
been
gutted.
I
find
that's
again
spiritual
experience
because
I
get
to
look
down
the
loaded
barrel
of
the
gun
of
reality.
This
is
the
physical
manifestation
of
my
selfishness
in
the
real
world.
I
really
hurt
people
and
guess
what?
They
really
hurt.
And
here
was
a
mind
blower
for
me.
Ready.
They
hurt
as
much
as
I
do.
Never
thought
about
that.
But
my,
your
pain
is
as
real
as
my
pain.
I
left
crying
and
I
went
to
go
pray
in
a
cemetery.
I
had
another
amends
to
make
to
a
woman.
I
was
in
my
mid
20s.
I
under
a
little
recording
studio
very
briefly
because
things
started
to
disappear.
I
made
a
record
for
her.
She's
a
Christian
lady.
She
there's
a
paragraph
and
we
agnostics
that
really
reminds
me
of
her
when
it
said
how
we've
just
written
off
these
religious
people
were
quick
to
see,
you
know,
and
again,
happy,
stable,
useful.
This
is
a
woman
who's
happy,
stable,
useful,
very,
very
religious
woman.
She
would
leave.
She
since
I
was
in
a
bad
place,
she'd
give
me
prayer
cards.
I'd
go,
oh,
I'll
put
I'll
read
this
later.
I
look
forward
to
it.
I
used
to
look
down
my
nose
at
her
as
she
left
and
I'd
say,
isn't
that
cute?
She's
a
little
sheep,
you
see.
She's
brainwashed
herself
into
believing
something
that's
not
true
because
she's
not
strong
enough
to
take
a
good
look
at
what
a
human
existence
is
really
all
about,
whereas
I'm
dark
and
artistic
and
can
do
such
things.
You
say
it's
cute
that
she's
brainwashed
herself.
It's
good.
It's
Orwellian
in
a
way.
It
gives
her
comfort.
Let
her
be
stupid,
thinking
I'm
all
smart,
right?
If
I
was
as
smart
as
I
thought
I
was,
what
I
would
have
taken
a
look
at
is
that
this
woman
had
happiness,
stability
and
usefulness,
things
that
I
never
had
ever.
She
would
go
off
to
volunteer
at
Walpole
Prison
and
do
prison
ministry
and
work
with
the
elderly
and
I
would
go
back
to
actively
harming
people
in
drinking.
Right.
Who's
the
smart
one?
I
went
to
go
make
amends
to
her.
I
owed
her
$500.
I
overcharged
her.
I
took
a
loan
out
from
her
and
I
want
to
go
make
amends.
And
what
happened
was
we
got
there
and
being
a
pretty
spiritual
lady,
she,
I
came
in,
she
started
crying
and
she
said,
what
did
you?
And
I
said,
I
got
so
and
she
wanted,
she's
one
of
these
women
who
wanted
to
know
about
my
spiritual
experience.
And
I
talked
a
little
bit
about
it.
And
she
took
me
out
to
her
garden
and
she
got
on
her
knees
with
me
and
she
prayed
with
me.
She
said,
pray,
I've
been
praying
for
you
for
years.
I
didn't
see
her.
I've
been
praying
for
you.
I
knew
God
was
going
to
help
you
when
I
started
crying.
It's
emotional.
And
we
left
and
she
said,
I
knew
it.
I
knew
that
you
were
gonna
find
God.
I
knew
he
would
help
you.
And
I
left
and
it
was
such
a
beautiful
moment.
And
I
left
and
I
got
in
the
car
and
I
didn't
feel
like
I
see
usually
when
I'm
making
amends,
I
feel
gutted
and
disgusting.
And
this
time
I
felt
light
on
my
feet
like
a
feather.
And
I
said
that
was
so
beautiful.
In
fact,
it
was
such
a
beautiful
moment.
It
wasn't
even
sullied
by
all
this
dirty
talk
of
the
money
I
owed
her.
We
never
talked
about
it.
We
never
talked
about
it.
I
didn't
put
this
together
till
much
later.
I
left
that
area
and
I
was
in
other
place.
And
what
happened
was
I
was
gone
for
a
while.
I
came
back
to
visit
my
mother
who
lives
near
here.
I
do
my
morning
spiritual
practice,
which
is
probably
a
lot
like
yours
and
I'm
there
and
what
happened
and
I
don't
know
why
it
happened.
Was
I
in
the
area?
Did
I
see
things
that
are
mine
of
your
I
don't
care
God's
will.
I
don't
care
to
decipher
it.
It
worked
and
I
I
got
on
my
knees
and
what
happened
is
I'm
praying
for
God's
will
God
Grammy
knowledge
you're
willing
to
power
cut
it
out
today.
And
what
happens
is
this
woman's
face
comes
in
my
head.
Her
name
is
Therese.
And
of
course
I
did
that
thing
where
I
was
like
praying
go
away,
leave.
And
it
happened
to
me
a
few
days
in
a
row.
And
I
at
the
time,
it
kind
like
maybe
you
need
to
go
see
her.
You
never
really
gave
her
that
money.
And
I
said,
yeah,
but
it
never
came
up.
And
I
left
and
it
haunted
me.
And
I
couldn't
get
her
face
out
of
my
head.
She
haunted
me
day
and
night.
You
never
made
that
amends.
You're
a
phony.
You
get
to
go
talk
in
front
of
groups
of
people.
You
get
to
go
sit
dies
down
and
tell
them
to
go
make
amends.
And
you
haven't
made
this
amends.
You're
a
fraud
and
you're
a
phony.
And
it
was
killing
me.
It
was
eating
me
up
inside.
And
I
have
to
go
home
and
say
what
happened
is
I
came
back
to
where
my
mom
lives,
which
was
very
far
from
where
I
lived.
And
I
went
to
Bank
of
America
and
I
took
$500
out
of
the
bank
immediately.
And
I
went
right
to
this
woman's
house.
And
I
knocked
on
her
door.
And
she
came
to
the
door
and
said,
Matt
and
I
said,
please
don't
let
me
talk.
And
before
I
could
open
my
mouth,
I
gave
her
this
envelope.
And
she
said,
what
is
it?
I
said,
This
is
Money
I
owe
you.
And
she
said,
what?
She'd
forgotten
about
this.
This
is
not
a
wealthy
woman,
by
the
way,
but
she'd
forgotten
about
this.
She's
that
kind
of
person,
right?
Mind
blower.
A
good
person
naturally
don't
have
to
work
at
it.
And
she
said,
come
in.
And
we
sat
down.
And
when
I
said
this
woman
had
happiness,
ability
and
usefulness,
I'm
going
to
tell
you
why
that's
impressive.
Are
you
guys
ready?
She
lives
in
a
circus
of
alcoholism.
I
knew
it
because
I
used
to
hang
out
with
people
that
lived
with
her,
her
family.
I
ran
with
them.
See,
so
that's
impressive
to
me.
It's
not
like
her
life
was
all
roses
every
single
day.
I
knew
that
I
came
to
see
her
and
a
lot
of
things
had
fallen
apart
in
her
family.
I
gave
her
the
money
and
she
said
I
I
forgot
all
about
it.
And
she
said
I
thank
you.
And
I
said
don't
thank
me.
It's
not
my
money,
please
just
take
it.
It's
not
mine.
You
have
to
have
it.
And
and
something
very
beautiful
and
powerful
happened.
She
said
please
come
with
me.
She
started
crying.
She
had
been
divorced
from
her
husband
at
this
time.
He
left
the
news
in
bad
shape.
He
still
is.
She
took
me
to
the
refrigerator
and
she
took
her
oil
bill
for
the
furnace
off
of
the
refrigerator
and
it
was
for
something
like
517.
I
don't
remember,
but
it
was
about
20
bucks
over
500.
And
she
started
crying
and
she
said
I
had
no
way
to
pay
it,
at
which
point
I
started
crying
again
like
a
baby.
And
we
hugged
and
prayed.
And,
you
know,
people
say,
was
that
was
that
God's
will?
Was
it,
was
it
this
thing?
Was
it
meant
to?
I
don't
know.
I'm
not
that
smart.
I'm
I'm
bound
by
the
laws
of
metaphysics
and
what
it
means
to
be
a
human
being.
So
I
can't
decode
the
universe
again.
Like
these
guys
said
tonight,
I
don't
try.
I
don't
need
to.
I
just
need
to
make
use
of
this
power
in
my
life.
Every
day
I
cried
when
I
felt
that
day,
I
felt
gutted.
I
left
her
out
that
day.
I
felt
gutted.
I
said,
that's
right.
You
had
that
that
poor
lady
who's
a
good
person
out
there
doing
the
right
thing.
You
had
her
money
for
all
these
years,
right?
I
made
amends
to
my
mother.
I
sat
at
my
mom
down
and
my
mom.
I
found
out
I
was
looking
for
formal
men's.
I
made
a
formal
Mens
to
her.
My
mother.
My
mother
told
me
what
she
wanted
from
me.
A
shocker.
Ready.
My
mother
does
not
want
flowers.
My
mother
does
not
want
guilt
gifts.
My
mom
doesn't
want
a
gift
certificate
for
massage
after
I
have
robbed
her.
You
know
what
I
turned
out?
This
my
mom
said.
She
said
I
just
wanted
you
to
be
happy.
I
just
wanted
you
to
be
a
man.
I
said
what
do
you
mean?
I
wanted
you
to
be
able
to
take
care
of
yourself,
be
happy,
pay
your
own
bills,
be
healthy.
That's
all
I've
ever
wanted
for
you,
my
living
amends
for
me.
Living
amends
don't
mean
not
drinking
and
destroying
your
property.
Normal
people
take
that
for
granted.
They
do
that
every
day.
That's
not
enough
for
me.
A
living
amends
for
me
means
I
have
to
figure
out
how
I
want
to
make
this
right.
Not
living
amends
for
my
mother
looks
like
this.
My
mother
never
knows
the
bad
parts
of
my
life.
She
never
knows
my
problems.
Ever.
Ever.
Ever,
ever,
ever.
For
many
years,
my
mom
was
my
ambulance
driver,
my
taxi
driver,
my
lawyer,
my
bail
agent,
my
psychologist,
right?
That
wasn't
her
job.
And
I
realized
something,
you
see,
I
have
a
relationship
with
God
and
I
have
a
sponsor.
So
when
I
have
problems
in
my
life,
I
have
ways
to
deal
with
them.
I
don't
have
to
tax
my
mom
and
bring
them
to
her.
So
if
I'm
getting
chased
down
the
street
by
rabid
pit
bulls
and
my
mom
calls
as
far
as
she's
concerned,
hi
honey,
how
are
you?
I'm
up
running.
It's
nice.
You
see
some
people
said,
is
that
lying
to
her?
No
see,
because
I
figured
out
something
about
my
mom.
I,
I
need
a
new
tires.
The
other
day
I
went
to
go
see
a
guy
of
mine
that
I
sponsored
and
he's
a
tire
guy.
And
he
said,
Maddie,
these
are
bald.
And
I,
I
just
mumbled
something.
She
called
me
and
I
said,
oh
hey,
can
I
call
you
back?
I
just
found
any
new
tires.
It's
going
to
be
like
500
bucks.
Call
me
back.
Didn't
think
about
it.
Three
days
later,
I'm
sending
you
a
check
for
$50.
I
go.
What
are
you
talking
about?
You're
on
bald
tires.
You're
driving
around
on
bald
tires.
My
mom's
from
Boston
as
I
go.
What?
I
didn't
even
think
about
it
again.
I
forgot
I
was
even
on
the
phone
when
I
mentioned
it.
But
you
see,
for
me,
it's
nothing.
But
you
know
what
my
mom
does
for
three
days?
In
her
head,
she
suffers
obsessive
visions
of
me
careening
off
of
mountain
roads
in
New
Hampshire
in
a
flaming
pile
of
wreckage.
I'm
sending
you
$50.
No,
no,
no,
no,
no.
I'm
fine.
You
see,
the
other
thing
I
do
for
my
mom
is
I
do
this
I
once
a
week.
What
I
do
is
I
turn
over
remote
controls.
I
turn
off
the
Internet,
which
is
hard.
I
turn
over
magazines
and
books.
And
I
go
to
a
dark
corner
of
my
house
and
the
corners,
a
little
couch
right
here.
I
sit,
I
pray,
I
call
my
mother
and
I
say
this.
I
say,
hey
mom,
how
you
doing?
Shut
up.
And
I
listen
and
I
actually,
and
sometimes,
don't
get
me
wrong,
I
have
to,
I
have
to
pray
for
mindfulness
because
my
mom
will
say
things
like
this.
I
love
my
mom.
But
you'll
say
you'll
never
believe
what
you
haunt
did.
I
will.
It's
the
same
shit
every
week.
I
know
it's
going
to
be
you're
never
going
to
believe
this.
Listen
to
what
you
haunted
and
I
OK,
so
I
have
to
pray
and
she'll
tell
me
what
my
aunt
did.
I
can
absolutely
believe
it.
I
go.
That's
unbelievable,
mom.
No,
that's
unbelievable.
I
can't.
Yeah,
no,
she's
she's
ridiculous.
You're
right.
I
listen
to
my
mother
has
to
say.
And
if
she
wants
to
talk
for
half
an
hour
at
school,
20
minutes
to
school,
whatever,
she
wants
to
talk.
I
don't
say
any
word
about
myself.
I'm
doing
good.
I
just
want
to
see
how
you
were.
And
I
hang
up
the
phone
and
I'll
tell
you
this.
My
mother,
my
mother
went
to
Alon
for
many
years.
My
mom
cut
off
all
contact
with
me,
rightfully
so.
She
changed
the
locks
on
her
door.
And
she
told
me
if
I
showed
up
her
house
again,
she
would
call
the
police.
The
right
thing
to
do.
It
saved
my
life.
Because
if
she
didn't
do
that,
I
would
have
died
in
her
basement
on
her
couch,
probably
eating
her
food.
Guarantee
it.
My
mother
for
for
a
long
time
didn't
talk
to
me.
That
was
the
right
thing
to
do.
I'll
tell
you
this,
my
relationship
with
my
mother,
probably
the
thing
I
value
most
in
my
life
today.
I
love
my
mother.
I
have
a
friendship,
I
have
an
adult
relationship
with
my
mother
and
that
my
mother
doesn't
give
me
things.
I
take
care
of
my
mother.
She
still
fights
me.
We
go
to
restaurant,
she
still
tries
to
do
it.
She'll
try
to
send
me
a
check
for
my
birthday.
We
fight
over
who
pays
every
now
and
then.
I
just
let
her
do
it
still
feel
like
a
mom,
but
I
value
my
relationship
with
my
family
and
especially
my
mother
so
much.
It's
hard
for
me
to
not
cry
when
I
talk
about
it,
you
know,
And
that's
one
of
the
things
I
got
back
as
a
result
of
this
process,
as
a
result
of
changing,
as
a
result
of
demonstrating
how
would
do
it
on
time.
I
thought
for
a
long
time,
we
OK,
we
hitting
it.
We
I'm
going
to
talk
really
briefly.
You
guys
hanging
in
there?
You
hanging
in
there?
Good.
I'm
gonna
take
a
sip
of
coffee
'cause
I'm
fading.
I
want
to,
I
want
to
just
my
sense
of
my
own
personal
satisfaction.
Completion.
Just
talk
somewhat
brief,
relatively
briefly.
We
will
say
about
10:11
and
12:00
ten
step
from
me,
I
think
it
was
you
guys
on
the
panel.
We're
talking
about
a
written
10
step.
I
take
a
written
10
step
when
selfish,
you
know,
when
resentment
pops
up,
when
fear,
when
I
need
to
take
conduct
inventory.
I
do
that.
I
I
have
friends
who
don't
write
their
ten
step.
They're
spiritually
fit
people.
I
respect
them
very
much.
I
can
only
wonder,
though,
I
got
to
be
honest
with
you,
how
much
growth
they
may
have
missed.
Because
I'll
tell
you
this,
for
me
personally,
I've
grown
tremendously
in
the
10th
step
and
I
grow
tremendously
as
a
result
of
having
to
put
that
stuff
down.
It
makes
me
be
much
more
thorough,
you
see,
for
me
to
do
little
mental
acrobatics
and
say,
yeah,
I
was
dishonest
because
of
this
and
that
it's
too
quick
for
me.
My
head
will
spin
things.
I
need
to
put
it
down
on
the
piece
of
paper.
I
take
it
to
another
person
that
I
trust.
I
read
it
to
them
and
the
magic
thing
happens.
I
hear
myself
say
it
and
I
go,
wow,
you
are
selfish
and
wormy,
you
better
stop.
And
there's
a
magic
to
me.
It
makes
it
real.
And
by
the
way,
I
read
my
inventory,
you
know,
most
of
the
time
the
same
person.
So
I'm
accountable
to
them
and
someone
I
trust
in
the
steps
from
my
line
of
sponsorship.
When
I
read
that
to
them,
they
say,
hey,
you
know
what,
man?
Two
months
ago
you
were
kind
of
talking
about
the
same
thing.
What
were
you
praying
for?
How
do
you
change?
What
have
you
done
in
the
past
two
months
since
the
last
time
you
read
me
the
same
inventory?
Have
you
changed
anything
around
that?
Have
you
had
that
conversation
with
them?
No.
Why
did
you
expect
anything
to
change?
I
don't
know,
my
last
gig
before
I
move
back
to
the
States,
I
was
teaching
a
certification
course
and
my
boss,
I
took
a
job
for
this
guy.
This
guy
was,
I
knew
who
he
was
when
I
came
into
the
job,
you
know,
I
knew
he
was,
let's
say,
thrifty
and
he's,
he
kind
of
skimped
on
things
that
he
probably
should
have
skimped
on.
But
I
knew
I
got,
I
knew
that
getting
into
it.
What
happened
is
I
showed
up
one
day
and
the
computer
printer
wasn't
working
and
I'm
teaching
a
certification
course
where
I
have
to
observe
these
guys
teach
at
the
end
of
the
day
and
give
them
grades
and
whatnot.
I'm
not
qualified
to
do
this.
I
can
just
talk
well
and
for
a
long
time
and
I
rigged
up
the
printer
so
that
these
guys
could
print
out
their
lesson
plans
and
I
came
in
the
next
day
and
I'm
a
hero.
I
saved
the
day
and
I
got
a
note
on
there
saying
next
time
that
you
tamper
with
it
equipment,
you
will
be
fined
1000
crowns,
which
is
about
50
bucks.
I
am
red
in
the
face.
I
save
the
day
man
and
you're
going
to
find
me
and
So
what
I
did
is
I
sat
down
and
I'm
about
had
it
for
this
guy.
I
wrote
this
scathing
letter
of
resignation.
I
say
resignation.
It
was
more
like
A7
page
personal
attack
in
insane
diatribe
telling
him
about
all
the
shit
I
put
up
with.
And
what
I
did
was
when
I
feel
hot
like
that,
when
I
feel
my
pulse
in
my
face,
when
I
myself
getting
I
know
I
don't
make
good
decisions.
We
talk
about
freedom
from
the
bondage
of
self.
When
I
am
hot
with
anger
and
resentment,
I
am
a
slave
to
resentment.
I
want
relief.
And
how
do
I
get
relief?
I
get
relief
by
telling
you
what
I
think
about
you.
Or
probably
in
my
case,
I'm
going
to
tell
her
what
I
think
about
you
and
then
I'm
going
to
tell
him
and
I'll
get
them
on
my
side
and
eventually
will
leak
back
to
you,
you
see.
So
I
hit
draft
instead
of
send
and
I
went
home
and
I
wrote
a
piece
of
inventory
and
I
realized
something.
I
wrote
that
piece
of
10
step
and
I
looked
at
my
my
selfishness
and
my
dishonesty
and
you
know
the
truth.
Is
this
what
I
realized
over
the
course
of
working
for
this
guy?
Because
he
did
things
that
I
found
to
be
acceptable?
What
I
started
to
do
was
the
things
that
I
didn't
really
want
to
do
at
work
anymore,
I
didn't
do,
essentially
giving
myself
a
raise
in
a
way.
I
knew
who
I
was
working
for
and
I
knew
his
business
practices,
and
I
worked
for
him
anyway.
And
then
I
want
to
reserve
the
right
to
complain
about
it.
And
the
truth
is,
what
I
came
up
in
the
end
of
this
inventory
was
I
either
accept
the
terms
of
employment
for
this
man
or
I
leave.
That's
it.
Anything
else
is
less
than
honest.
And
what
I
also
came
up
with
this
inventory
is
this
job
has
some
hassles
in
it,
but
name
me
a
job
that
doesn't.
And
the
truth
is
the
good
far
outweigh
the
bad
in
this
job.
I
enjoyed
the
gig.
I
had
to
put
up
with
some
stuff
from
my
boss
who
doesn't.
I
came
in
the
next
day,
I
read
the
inventory,
I
prayed,
I
read
that
letter
and
I
went.
I
am
really
glad
I
didn't
send
that,
especially
because
I
really
need
a
job,
Really
a
job
around
the
11th
step,
prayer
and
meditation.
Everyone
has
their
own
thing.
The
book
is
really
beautiful.
It
invites
us
to
go
out.
The
world
is
filled
with
spiritual
literature.
It
has
changed
my
life.
One
of
the
instructions
I
got
before
I
took
a
third
step
from
my
sponsor
was
to
quite
inventory
and
he
gave
me
a
list
of
books
to
read.
I
went
into
the
borders
in
San
Diego.
I
just
picked
1
randomly
off
there.
That
changed
my
life
forever
and
really
let
me
do
this
work.
I
opened
this
book
in
the
first
page,
lit
up
like
it
was
on
fire.
This
has
happened
to
me
other
times
with
spiritual
literature.
The
words
said
this
and
this
is
a
guy
who
was
struggling
with
the
second
step.
It
said
so
long
as
you
pretend
to
live
in
pure
autonomy
without
even
a
God
to
rule
over
you,
you
will
inevitably
end
up
the
alienated
member
of
a
group
or
the
servant
of
another
man.
Paradoxically,
it
is
the
acceptance
of
God
as
your
master
that
will
set
you
free
from
yourself
in
human
tyranny.
How
did
I
randomly
open
to
that
page?
I
don't
know,
but
it
happened.
Meditation.
I
wake
up
early
every
morning.
It's
inconvenient
for
me.
I
don't
like
it.
I
have
AI
have
a
regimen.
I
do.
I
go
to
the
bathroom
first.
I,
I
put
the
coffee
on
and
then
I
go
take
out
my
cushion
and
I
meditate
and
I
do
it
before
I
have
coffee
or
breakfast
or
check
my
e-mail
because
I
know
what's
going
to
happen.
You
see,
if
I
go
and
I
look
at
any
of
this
business,
it's
going
to
detract
me
from
doing
spiritual
work.
And
the
truth
is,
in
the
end,
we
all
know
in
this
room
it
takes
discipline
to
do
spiritual
work.
The
correct
use
of
the
wills
along
spiritual
lines
I
may
groom
in
my
life
because
I'm
not
a
guy
who
is
full
of
all
sorts
of
natural
willpower.
As
I
already
said
around
the
12th
step,
I've
been
very
blessed
in
my
life
to
be
able
to
be
a
a
link
in
this
chain
of
goodwill
and
show
other
people
what
I
have
done.
I've
got
a
chance
to
work
with
a
lot
of
guys,
a
lot
of
guys
getting
out
of
prison
in
early
sobriety.
And
I've
got
to
sit
them
down
and
read
them
the
instructions
in
this
book
and
convey
my
personal
experience
in
this
thing
to
them.
And
not
many
of
them
got
well.
But
if
you
did,
and
I'll
tell
you
this,
one
of
the
most
beautiful
things
I've
ever
seen
in
my
life,
the
most
beautiful
thing
I've
ever
seen
in
my
life
is
a
human
being
change
and
find
God.
Because
before
I
did
this
work,
I
will
be
honest
with
you,
I
did
not
believe
it
was
possible
for
a
human
being
to
change.
I
wouldn't
say
that
out
loud
because
you
sound
like
a
real
bummer
at
parties
when
you
say
stuff
like
that.
But
I
didn't
believe
it.
And
then
what
happened
is
I
did
this
and
I
changed
profoundly.
And
the
guy
that
you
see
here,
we
wouldn't
recognize
the
other
guy.
Get
my
mom
on
speakerphone.
She'll
attest
to
it,
right?
Took
me
a
long
time,
but
finally
one
of
these
guys
made
it
through
the
work
and
I
got
to
see
another
human
being
change,
find
God,
walk
this
path,
right?
What
a
privilege.
What
a
privilege
for
me
to
be
in
that
position
where
I
get
to
be
a
link
again,
It's
not
me
getting
them
sober.
We
all
know
that,
But
for
me
to
be
able
to
use
my
experience
to
benefit
someone
else,
that's
alchemy,
right?
That's
something
magic
right
there.
And
for
me
to
be
here
right
now
is,
is
really
magic
as
well.
Again,
it's,
it's
a
trip
for
me.
Sometimes
it
snaps
me
back.
I
said,
how
did
this
happen,
right?
I
did
a
little
bit
of
work
and
then
the
spark
of
grace
came
in
and
life
is
really,
really
good.
Thank
you
guys
all
again
so
very
much
for
having
me
here
and
let
me
be
a
service.
I
really
appreciate
your
hospitality.
Thank
you.
Thank
you.
From
For
a
minute
there,
I
thought
he
was
telling
my
story.
Nate,
would
you
like
to
come
back
up?
So
I'm
meeting.
I'm
an
alcoholic.
Thank
you,
Matt,
for
being
with
us
tonight,
for
speaking.
We
got
your
little
gift.
Something
to
remember
Montana
by
and
so.
Thanks
again
Matt,
wonderful
story.
I
was
asked
to
read
this
by
the
people
that
set
this
up.
When
this
event
started
it
started
out
small.
As
of
today,
every
group
or
meeting
in.