The Northsea Convention in Ostende, Belgium

Hello everybody, My name is Alvin. I'm certainly an alcoholic,

and I'm also a fully conceited alcoholic.

Have you ever had fun without enjoying it?

I think a lot of people know what it means to have fun without enjoying it. I was trying this my whole life to have fun in my life, but I never really enjoyed the fun that I tried to have. And this is pretty much part of the pretty much my life story. I remember one particular event which took place when I was like, I don't know, 12-13 years old. I was sitting in the kitchen with the whole family, my parents, my two sisters, my brother. It was like a Sunday. We had lunch, we were sitting there. You know, we are the same family, the same bloodstream, we have the same

the same kind of feelings. And I was sitting there and somehow I didn't feel like I'm belonging. I was sitting there and I felt alone. And I'm pretty sure most of you can imagine how it must feel. I mean, when you're in a foreign country abroad, you're travelling or you meet new colleagues in a new company and you meet new colleagues the first time, it's very obvious, but you're normal that you feel alone, that you don't know whom to talk to. But when you are at home at one of the most secret places where you can be, where you should feel like you're taking

care of and everybody loves you and you're sitting there and you have this inner conviction, I don't belong here. These people have nothing that can help me. You know, when I tell you what thoughts I have like 40 years ago or, you know, ideas or realization that I had 15 years ago, I didn't know that back then when I was 10-12 years old. Everything I'm going to tell you about my drinking and the years after.

Emotions, realizations, conclusions. I didn't have them back then.

I learned all this as a result of working the steps. I didn't know any of this when I was 12 years old. You know, I never approached my father saying to him that we got to talk to each other because I don't feel quite well with myself. I don't feel like I'm belonging on this planet and I have issues with life and so on. And apart from the track, my father was an alcoholic, so I never could talk to him. So, and

about 40 years after this event, I ended up in a similar situation again, this kitchen table situation. But let me tell you briefly what happened in between. My drinking was pretty much that of an average alcoholic. You know, I had the normal stories for an alcoholic in my life was normal. You know, I started drinking when I was 25. I didn't have any issues with alcohol before. I could go to a party, drink, get wasted, get hammered and not having any

necessity, any strong feeling for alcohol the next day or the weeks and month after.

And I started alcoholic behavior, alcoholic drinking behavior, obsessive behavior in around 25. You know, like one Class A day, two classes a day, then several times a week until I finally within a relatively short time became alcoholic. I studied, I was very successful, like many, many of us are very successful. I was living abroad for like 10 years. I had all the usual. I mean, for normal people, it's exceptional when we tell our stories. But I mean, if I would tell you all my stories, most of the stories, it would say, OK, I didn't have this particular

and happening in my life. But you all have similar stories. I mean, the only story they always love telling is that one time I was living in Asia for a number of years. We went to a party in Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. You know, we had our own big pool, naked in the pool and whatnot. Or when we were totally hammered, we went into the jungle that night and you don't walk into a junk. And I found it funny. And I mean, all those people who were not drinking as we did, who wouldn't come with us even into the knee high grass, I thought they are cowards that don't want to have fun.

You know, there was a drainage system. We walked like 100 meters into the trunk and back. And I found it great afterwards to talk about it, like I mastered some particular strong adventure. And I thought I'm like a hero as having done this. And people didn't understand why I was doing something like this to begin with and feeling so great about it.

I was very successful in my business. I made a lot of money. I was living in pretty much all areas on this planet except on, let's say, Iceland or so, or the North and South Pole.

You know, it's very difficult to get alcohol over there. I guess I never would have made it over there. So, you know, nothing of it was spectacular. If you take the measurement of an alcoholic life. It all changed a little bit about 10 years ago. Back then, I was living in the United States down there in Miami Beach. I had my own apartment, you know, overlooking the Bay of Miami, all the islands. I could see the cruises coming in and out. I had next to no furniture in a huge apartment, just a chair,

the class desk and nothing else. And like a plastic mat on a concrete balcony. Not even the balcony was the grip. And I was sitting there getting hammered every night. You know, a very expensive apartment, no furniture, no nothing, just getting hammered every night. I was living there and I remember there was one day it usually took me like 3 cans of beer in order to feel OK. You know when the music is OK, when the neighbour starts to be OK, when everything seems to be just fine. And I don't want to kill half of Miami.

And you know, afterwards I would drink let's say 10/15/20 more cans depending on how well, you know, sometimes I had a good day at trying 20 beer. You know when people have a good day that don't even drink 3 beers. So and something happened. I drank my third can of beer and nothing happened. I took the 4th can, drank the 4th can of beer, nothing happened. I didn't feel anything. So I drank 20 more and I, you know, gave it to the pizza and maybe the pizza was that maybe I had a few or something like that. So I wrote the whole day off like

many things off in business and said OK, let's try it again the next day. The next thing, next day, the same procedure. I drank 3 cans of beer and nothing happened. So I drank the 4th and the 5th. And so it went on for several days. All of the sudden I still had the body of an alcoholic, I still got drunk, I still couldn't talk or walk or do normal things when you have like 1020 cans of beer. But I didn't have the mind of an alcoholic anymore. Alcohol did not do to me anymore what they did all those

this before. It didn't give me the east anymore, didn't take the edge off anymore. Normally alcohol would give me a 2-3 hour window every day where I felt the way I thought normal people feel. I don't know how normal people feel but I never felt that way so that's why I usually don't give any advice to normal people. I remember I'm in my first year of sobriety in Miami. A girl asked me for some relationship advice. I gave her advice. She fortunately did not relapse as a result of it. So

completely stop doing this. So what happened there is all of a sudden alcohol stopped working. I was racing around in my apartment, you know, I had to. I woke up at 10 in the morning. Usually I wouldn't start before 6:00 or 7:00 PM because only Alcoholics start drinking at like 3:00 PM. Now within one hour I needed alcohol and it didn't work anymore. That's the most terrible thing that can happen to an alcoholic. If you have the slow descent into the final stages of alcoholism to develop certain procedures, like

any kind of medication that you're taking order to adjust yourself a little bit to it. But in that case, it worked until the very end. And then it stopped working

and I couldn't drink alcohol anyone order to ease myself. But I needed it. I needed it so badly. So eventually I called a friend of mine who brought me in contact with the Doctor Who happened to be an alcoholic himself, German speaking doctor living in Miami. When I called him Sunday, he knew exactly what's wrong with me. So Monday morning I made it into detox in Miami. I stayed there for about a week and I got removed from alcohol. Without detox, I would not have been able to stop drinking. You know this one story,

big book of one alcoholic asked the other one, could you think not drinking 24 hours? No way, Never. I would never have been able to stop on my own. So I got removed from alcohol, went to meetings because the doctor told me if you don't go to a meeting after you're dismissed from the hospital, I give you two or three days, you will drink again. And from that day on, from the first day in the hospital, I never had obsession again to drink. And this is kind of good because it never had to fight alcohol. I was never sitting in front of 711 asking myself

should I shouldn't die. But it also did something to me that was not very healthy. I went to a A meetings because for the first time in my life, I felt like I'm belonging. I was meeting very nice people, especially down there in Miami Beach. It's usually a place where you start drinking and using drugs. It was for me the place where I stopped drinking. I mean, I never took any drugs in my whole life. Everything that I know about trucks today I learned in a A in Miami.

So

and no, it was a great place. I got sober down there. I had a sponsor, but not because I felt this ill necessity to do something simply because everybody had the sponsor. So I ended the sponsor. I had two sports cars back then. So I mean, if everybody has a sponsor, I don't how would I look? So I need a sponsor on top of my two sports cars. I would meet with him like every three weeks or so to eat sushi. I wouldn't work the steps I did. I acted as if, but it never really worked the steps with him. 1 1/2 years later I moved to

are met with a lot of very good people over there. Still didn't really work. The steps somehow made it through, but at least I went to as many meetings as I could. After 2 1/2 years, I had to move back to Germany. You know, for a long time I called it. I made the decision to go back to Germany because I want to get back to my roots, make amends and so on. A decision normally means that you have two choices. You can say either yes or no. I had no more money left, I had no decision commit. I had to go back to Germany because I was broke within only 1 1/2 years.

I had accrued as much debt in sobriety as it took me the seven years before during drinking. I mean, I was trying to make very successful business and I was close to it to become like a multi building, at least in my mind. And then the Internet crashed, So did I at the same time. And you know, I copied the same mistake from my drinking into sobriety of hot and alcoholic who looked like a very important businessman, which he wasn't, of course. So I made the same mistake again and then 911 killed our business.

So after 2 1/2 years, I had to go back to Germany and I had at this point in time more than 1000 meetings under my belt and that eventually would save my life. I could go to go to as many meetings as possible, listen to every speaker, to every advice I'll and so on. And the good ones. And I remember shortly before I left, Lai met a couple from Germany and they told me be careful in Germany meetings are terrible,

no big book, no sponsors, no steps. And I didn't believe them. I thought they are spies of the deceased joint, just just trying to test me.

So I went back to Germany.

I went back to Germany, my mom took care of me again. I had like $180 in my pocket. So I needed a place to stay somewhere. And I went to my first meeting there, told my story. And later on I moved into Cologne, went to meetings over there, and you know, I went to as many meetings as I possibly could in Germany. We don't have as many like in LA or Miami or New York.

But

after like a year or so, I fell again sitting in one meeting and I was asking myself how many minutes will it take from now? And I will go to a bar and drink. And I had this feeling, I don't know what's going on here. And I, you know, today I remember this kitchen table event again, I was sitting together with people who got the same disease, the same problem, the same challenges, the same feelings I had the same thoughts I have. But again, I had this conviction.

They cannot help me. Something is terribly wrong here. I so badly wanted to work the steps because I remember from all those people

how happy they were looking. I see so many happy faces here and I wonder it so badly. I wanted to live. I never wanted to commit suicide in my whole life. And I didn't know what to do anymore. And I was sitting there four years sober being convinced nobody here can help me, You know, I was convinced these are all just these BMW meetings, you know, BMW meetings, bitching, moaning and whining. This is pretty much

this is how I titled them. It's not that I had anything against these people.

You know, I had so many problems on my own. If I want to listen to my problems, I go home, sit on my couch and listen to myself. I don't need to go,

I don't need to go to a meeting to listen to a problem. You know, the big book says there is a solution. I want a year solutions, not your problems. I don't need new problems. I create new problems pretty much every day while I'm not working the steps. So it took me another 1 1/2 years and I made it back to English speaking meetings and I was in southern Germany. I went to a few conventions which were made by a few guys from the US Army and eventually I came to a convention here in back then in the Netherlands.

And I remember I was meeting a guy down there from the United States and I asked him where do you come from? He asked I told him my story that I'm looking for sponsor, yadda, yadda, yadda, and that I was living in the United States and he asked me where do we, where have you been at that Santa Monica? And then he showed me that it was saying Santa Monica and I asked him what's been your Home group? And he was saying 29th and Broadway, which used to be my Home group. So I told him my story and all the

know this feeling of getting flushed down the toilet rapidly.

And I told him I need a sponsor. I need a sponsor who had worked the steps and who had had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And this guy was in the Netherlands to make amends. That's been the only reason why he came to the Netherlands. So it was just a coincidence that he went to this particular

place there to this what is the convention? So he pulled the card out of his shirt, one business card from this one man whom he knew from Los Angeles.

And he told me, here is a card of a guy who does long distance sponsoring. He's even sponsoring people down there in Australia from Los Angeles. And he asked me, do you know Mickey Bush? And I was saying, of course I was living in LA, everybody knows him over there. So I took this cart, went home and of course did not call him. Of course I was afraid if I tell him the whole story. So it took me about another two weeks or so until I had to leave a German speaking. Look, when I say anything about German speaking, AAI am not against a A or against German speaking a A.

It's just my personal experience that I like to share with you because most of the trouble in my life started after I stopped drinking. Stopping drinking did not solve any of my problems. So I had one particular event where racistical statements were made in a meeting and asked the chairperson to stop that and he didn't. So I left the meeting, went home and I tried to call a friend, he didn't pick up the phone. I tried to call a former German sponsor, he didn't pick up the phone. So I called them Mine,

our sponsor in LA,

and taught him the whole story. How sad I was. You know this feeling when you wake up in the morning, you leave your bed and you're already awake for like 20 minutes and you're already terrorized before leaving the bed? 20 minutes, you're going nuts like crazy. I'm leaving my bed, going into the shower, and within 60 seconds I want to hammer my head against the tile to make these voices stop in my brain. In case you're asking yourself what voices exactly? Those voices that make you ask you now, what voices? Those

voices,

those voices that run crazy, not this whole comedy. Every voice wants to compete with the other. I am the best voice you ever listen. No, you are not the best voice. Listen to me. You know this kind of craziness. Every morning I just make it through the day so I can fall, go to bed at night and then it takes me 5 hours to fall asleep until 3:00 in the morning. And then I have like two or three hours halfway healthy sleep. I mean, I didn't sleep at night, I was simply unconscious. And then again, the same wake up process here after year after year,

all this. And I asked him,

would you sponsor me? And he said, yeah, let's try it. And I said, we can only want to know one thing from you, just one thing. Everything I just explained to you, all this horror, this terrorizing, will this go away? And he said, yes, that's been his only answer. And I told him I'm at step 8. That's where I left off when I left Los Angeles. And he said, oh, yeah, that's good that you want to make amends, getting back into life. And so. But let's talk about step one for a second.

So he asked me then a three question. One was what does powerless mean?

And this is when I started working the steps later on with him because he wanted to make sure that I know what I'm talking about because I cannot solve something, I cannot solve a problem and I don't know what the problem is. You know, there are people who don't work the steps. So say very clearly I don't work the steps. At least these people know what they are doing. What's far more terrible is what I did. I was convinced I'm working the steps and I did not work the steps. That's terrible because eventually you have to start inventing bullshit to justify everything

that you do and don't do because it simply doesn't make any sense. And that's what happened to me. So he asked me what means powerless, like it says in the first step. And I was saying, yeah, powerless means, you know, when I start, I can't stop. One is too many. 1000 or not, You would say, no, that's not what powerless means. Then he asked me what's the first step in recovery? And I would say we admitted we were Nora, That's not the first step in recovery. And then he asked me, what is it about you that makes you alcoholic?

And I would say to him, you know,

when I drink a Lantern jail, I get divorced, I lose my driver's license, I can't have a second. I would say, no, that's not what an alcoholic, that's not what makes an alcoholic. That's the result of being an alcoholic. But that is not what makes you alcoholic. And you would say, you see, I ask you three questions, you couldn't answer one of them. So no wonder that you fail with the rest of the program. If your years ago there was a video clip on the Internet showing a building like a six Storey building in Turkey and they tried to bring it down. So

bring explosives down to the basement, bump it and the whole building would just fall down. So it didn't fall into itself like it should disintegrate, it would just fall down. All the windows were still OK, the plumbing was still OK, electricity was still OK. In other words, you still could have used the whole building but it was useless because the first step or the 1st floor didn't work anymore. And this reminded me how I was working my program. You know, I can make an inventory for as long as I want. If I don't understand what the problem is,

it doesn't make any sense to do an inventory because I do it for the totally wrong reason. You know, I always thought if I,

you know, if you work the steps, you can no longer say you are powerless. I got so much power already. You can see even the equipment fall off. So

and

at this point in time, I didn't really understand why Mickey, why my sponsor was doing all this to me. But later on I understood, you know, it's like when I have an apartment without electricity, what's the first thing that I do? I don't go to my neighbor and ask him to do all the cooking for me. So at night I can flame it up with a little bit of heat. I don't paint my cat with illuminating color so I can see it at night. So I wouldn't step on it. You know, I don't prepare things. I don't walk around with a light flash at night The most. I mean as an alcohol as an.

Like of course I would do all this. The last thing I would do as an alcoholic is to start paying the money back to whatever the companies that provides electricity to me. That's the most natural approach that I would do. And I didn't know any of that. So why would I work the program just to stop drinking? There is far more to it than just stopping drinking. Eventually, like it says in the preamble of the pic book, it is about finding God. I do not have an alcohol problem. I didn't know this, you know, my sponsor told me if alcohol is the problem,

drinking is your solution and you would explain to me and these dense. Now I have to understand I didn't know all this, you know, I thought if I just behaved the way I wanted to behave, eventually the inner would follow and I would become the person that my acting would show me or want me. And it didn't work. It simply didn't work. Nothing of it worked. So he explained to me how if you don't know what the problem is, you will never be able to work a solution and you will always do it for the wrong reason. So he helped me to understand what is it that makes me alcoholic

of the body. We all know about the allergy of the body. Once I start, I can't stop. But it's also the obsession. What's an obsession? It's a thought excluding all else, including recovery. That's what an obsession is. Once I have the obsession, I cannot stop anymore. You know, we often hear these advices. Just don't take that first drink. If I would be able to just not take that first drink, I wouldn't be here tonight. I would not be an alcoholic. Normal people can just not take that fur string. Call your sponsor before you want a drink. If I want a drink, it's not even the last thing

my agenda to call my sponsor because I know exactly what he's going to tell me. And you know, when I really want to take a drink, I don't even have the power to pick up the phone. I mean, I had so much trouble working the steps when the certain power was missing to do things. Does anybody believe I can really make this? I can't make the decision when to drink and what not to drink. The disease will make the drink for as long as I get no power. So he later on also continued to explain to me

what powerless means. I mean I didn't know that my perception of reality was wrong.

I remember many years later my mom had a bad day and I told her drinkers schnabs and you will feel better. And she told me no, I don't feel better when I drink alcohol. Life does not change when I drink alcohol. The neighbour is still ugly when I drink alcohol. So all these

and it took me a long time, you know, all the damage alcohol did to me. I mean, I had a lot of damage done to me before I started drinking because alcohol for me was an attempt to solve my problems. You don't start drinking just because you had a bad summer or you failed some test or your wife left you. I mean, even heavy events don't make your drinking. You cannot become an alcoholic. But just drinking enough alcohol, there has to be something wrong with you before, which has been the case in my life. I didn't know all that. I didn't know that

drinking has no effect on my alcoholism. Simply no effect. You know recovery does not stop once I stopped drinking. Recovery doesn't even start when I stop drinking. Recovery starts when I start working the steps I can. It's over for 20 years with 0 recovery in me. You know there's a difference between being sober and sobriety. If I don't drink for 10 years, then I have been sober for 10 years, but I may have 0 sobriety. I didn't know all that I

to meetings. I dressed up, I showed, I mean, I did everything to look nice on the outer, but I was dying on the inter because I didn't know what the problem was. I didn't know that all this distorted perception of reality was still active in my brain. You know, people say it's irrelevant what you think about other, what other people think about you. What I think about other people is relevant. And I always think that's bullshit, that's wrong. What this guy thinks about me is important, what he thinks about me. But

later on, I understood when I go to bed at night,

everything that's happening in my head decides whether I fall asleep right away or after seven hours. And what you think about me, I don't know what I think you think and makes me think what you think about that I think what you think about me. That's actually what's good. I mean, these are the thoughts that I'm having that I have every night. And these thoughts kept alive in sobriety. People say life gets better. Just go to meetings if you asphalt or brings it to the meeting.

No life did not get better. Life got worse. I had my pink blood for like 2 weeks the first year sort of OK, and then it just went down

and I could realize how I was getting flushed down the toilet faster and faster and faster and faster because I didn't know what the problem was. I thought if I just say that I'm an alcoholic, that would make me an alcoholic. I mean, listen, I'm an alcoholic. I know how to manipulate people and I'm very sure I'm not the only one here. If I gain any advantage of admitting I am a nun, I will admit I am a nun. If there's only one way to come into a restaurant, which means to convince the waiter I am a nun, I will tell him, listen, I look like

man, but I have converted. I belong. I belong to a particular denomination that allows converted men to become a nun. You want me to drop my pants? You know, it may take a few attempt, but eventually I get in there. Being a nun, however, and this is what my sponsor then told me, it doesn't matter what you think. It doesn't matter what you admit in meetings. It has to be like the big books. That's on page 30. We had to learn to fully concede to our innermost self that we wear.

So first I have to know what is it to be an alcoholic? It's the obsession of the mind. It's the allergy of the body, plus the perception that I have a distorted perception. So what's not my innermost self? I can admit it as often as I want if I don't really have it deep down within me. You know, like when you put a hand once on a hot stove and nobody ever has to tell you again to not do it. No matter how drunk you are, you won't put your hand on a hot stove because that's so deep down within yourself. And no, alcoholic is stupid not to say, OK, I burned my left,

but maybe the right head works. We can't give that one a Troy. And maybe if the handstone where I can put my ass on the hot stove and try this, but you won't do that. This means and even even if you see even never even never burned your hand yourself, you see other people do it and you know precisely what's going to happen if you do it. That's so deep down within yourself. And the big book says we learned that we had to, which means it's a process. Recovery is not an event, it's a process. I had to learn that

to fully concede to my innermost self. So I had to find out what's my innermost self

working on it with my sponsor. I mean the 1st, the step before the steps and took me I think 4 weeks or so before I was through it. Before I knew exactly what it is to be an alcoholic. What makes me alcoholic, what makes me tick, the wayatic, why I still have all those problems while life is getting worse and worse and worse than my thinking. Far worse than it was before. I had days when I was sitting in the meetings saying this is not what I got sober for. And that's one of the most dangerous statements in alcoholic can make. Because this means

on the road to a relapse, not a recovery. And I learned to get this into myself. Then I had to learn what does it mean to be powerless? Because so many people say I'm powerless of repeated platters and things. I'm not powerless of a people, places, and things. In order to come here, I had to have enough power. Even if I had a drink yesterday, I had to have enough power to read the bus schedule, to buy a train ticket, to get a car, to ask someone. So I'm not powerless over people, places and things.

I had to understand what we deal with is alcoholism. We are not dealing with being totally crazy when it comes to hold a job or relationships or whatever. This will somehow get sorted out later on for five and 8-9. But when it comes in the first step, when I have to understand what my problem is, it's just alcohol, alcoholism and nothing but. I can be as crazy as I want to be and I have every right to be as crazy as I want to be. And I make sure I keep my right to be as crazy and I want to be even today. It

nothing to do with the first three steps. You know, when it's, for example, the second step that we came to believe that the power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. What's sanity? It's insane the way how I drank. There is no sanity in the way how I was drinking. So if it's insane to drink the way I was drinking, ask an expert what sanity means. What means sanity for a human being? There are different types of sanity. There is psychological sanity. There is philosophical sanity. There is legal sanity. There is medical sanity. You ask

10 people, you will get at least 11 different answers because one might have more than one answer for you. If it is insane to drink, then for me it is sane to not drink. And that's the only sanity I need to be restored to. I have not been born an alcoholic because I didn't drink after I came onto this planet. But I didn't know all this. I thought when I make the second step, I have to also believe that all the other craziness is going away. Like I'm waking up at 3:00 in the morning having great ideas about the book to write or

to make. I mean weird ideas. I don't want to tell you about any of these ideas tonight, but I didn't know. This is not the sanity that we are talking about in these rooms when we talk about sanity. What we mean is you don't have to drink no matter what. As a result of working the steps, there are no rewards for going to meetings. You know, people say just go to meetings and you will be fine. My experience is snow. If I go to a gym and look at the machinery, I won't lose an answer of fat. But just going to the gym, looking, looking, looking,

looking, it doesn't do anything. And it doesn't make any sense to read the instruction manual with a group of people standing around the running belt. And after we wrecked the instruction manual, we talk about what we just read. It's different reading and instruction manual and actually doing what it says. That's why in my experience, it never helped me to go to big book meetings of 12 and 12 meetings and just read and then later on talk on what I just read. If I don't know what I'm reading, if I don't understand, don't even understand what all this is really about and I didn't know all this,

you know, I was hearing all those phrases that we hear. And what do I do as an alcoholic? Because I want to sound like you, because I want you to love me. I want you to like me. I want you to accept me. So I copy what you say. I'm a little child. I mean, I have the mentality probably over three-year old, if I'm lucky, when I came to the into the fellowship. So what do children do? They mimic their parents. They save up their parents. They act like their father, they act like their mother, like uncles, aunts and whatnot. All and this is what I did in a a so obviously I copied all the mistakes,

but just listening to what people were telling me I didn't know nothing. So after 5 1/2 years when I had reached that point hitting bottom, what is the button? I didn't know must want to ask you what is the bottom and I would tell the bottom is if I lose my job, if I end in J end up in jail, my driver's license and all these things and he would say no, this is not hitting button. This may bring you to hitting a button. This may actually help you. It might be a good assistance, but this is not hitting button. Hitting button is something like when you say

God, what's wrong with me? I cannot help myself anymore. I want to kill myself. Help me, help me. This is hitting bottom. It's the very process that brings me back to God. Hitting bottom is that one step that I have to take in order to ask people that I used to hate because of what they were talking about in meetings. The people that I didn't like

are hated the most later on became part of those people that helped me the most. I have to come to a point where I make no more conditions. You know I tell my sponsors yes but sentences are not answered. Now when I say something to a sponsee and my sponsor is saying yes but I don't answer this sentence yes but means I disagree with what you are saying. Yes, but means I got something better. So and he told me this. At one point, he would even hang up the phone because I was interrupting him while he was talking.

So I had to call him back. Since then, I never interrupt people anymore. You know, one he went from my sponsor changed something that I didn't know how to solve it otherwise. And he gently then worked me through the first three steps, helping me to understand what I never had understood before. So I did research on the Internet just to, you know, just to learn what I had known before. Because in the first, what does it mean that the first step, we always say you have to do it

100%. What does it mean to do the first step 100%? What does it even mean to work the first step? You know, the title is saying here to precisely show how we did it. How do I work the step? You know, I had, I didn't know all this. So he taught me all this. He guided me through it. He gave me work that I had to complete to understand all this. About 1/3 of the big book. 1/4 to 1/3 deals with the first step.

If 1/3 of this lovely big book, which is the experience of about 100 people, if one third deals with just one step,

then it must be more to just say my name is Calvin, I'm an alcoholic

and there must be something to it. And that's why it took my sponsor so long to guide me through it. But I somehow knew this. This man is spending his time with me. No matter what's on TV, he always has time. He always answers my questions. If he doesn't hang up the phone, of course. And I know I knew. Somehow I knew, no matter how bad I felt. Something is changing here. Something is really changing here

and later on, so it went through this that I don't want to go through any of the other steps right now for otherwise you know you would celebrate Christmas together here.

Last year in May I did actually a German speaking step work. To anybody who wants to listen to German speaking step workshops, please come to Nicola me after the meeting. In Germany we now have German speaking step workshops. The first time ever I did this in Vienna last year when I was invited and it took me about 5 hours just to talk about the first three steps, which is very important. Most people were amazed because they never hurt any of that. Like if we don't have an alcohol problem, whatever else I was saying,

why did I do all this? No, why did I do all this? Why did I go through all this? You know, inconvenience, to put it mildly, you know, my 4th step and later on also the immense it was not a joy. Right now I have people say, oh, I love my forcep so much. Well, probably because it didn't do on it.

I didn't have no fun working my 4th step. Like the 12th and 12th is saying, we will suffer severe reactions. I remember days when I came home

from my work in Munich and I was so excited. I was on fire. I wanted to start my computer and continue the foster. I entered the door and I had this terrible resistance, this total dislike, and I couldn't even start my computer. So I had to overcome this bad feeling. This is also something I learned. I don't have to wait until I feel like I'm testing. Can work on the 4th. Forget about your feelings. The big book is saying we have to change our thinking and feeling. How do I make decisions in my life? If I'm intellectually biased I think about

or if a more let's say emotionally bound then I let my feelings make decisions of thinking and feeling is the only way how I arrive at decisions. If I have to change my thinking and feeling, why? Because it's rubbish, it's of no use. So this means if I have to change my thinking and feeling, I better listen to my sponsor told me I don't care what you feel just do what I tell you. Just do what I tell you. If you don't feel like I can do my 4th right now, sit down, pray, call me whatever, but do it, just do it. And that's how I was walking, walking the steps, and there was no fun.

But what is different today? What has happened in the meantime? What, for example, means the promises? When we talk about the promises, if I promise you we will go to cinema on Wednesday, Wednesday night, 8 PM, 8:00 PM. Let's say that doesn't mean we will go to cinema Wednesday night. Something might happen to me in the meantime. I may have, I may have an accident. I may find out that I don't like you,

the cinema may close down. So if I tell you promise right now, I mean what I say, but 5 minutes later it can be different. But that's not what the promises in the Big Book are. The Big Book is pretty much based upon the Sermon of the mountain, a few Psalms from the Bible. What does the promise mean? It's like a physical law, like the law of gravity. If I take this candle, open my hand, it will fall down no matter what. Whether I do it, whether you do it, whether it's night or day, Africa, Malaysia, it doesn't matter at all. It's a guarantee

and that's what the promises are. Everything that the people promises me is a result of working the steps, not a reward for going to meetings and a reward for being nice to other people. You know, the outer behavior is a result of the inner change and that's it. We have to have this entire psychic change. This is more like, well, you have to adjust some of your social behold behaviour once in a while or so. It means an entire psychic change so that I don't get angry anymore when people say something to me. You know, like the bedevilment, say I